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Dear Fatty,
Where to begin... well, I'm 20 and about 5'7" and weigh a whopping 159 lbs. I wasn't always FAT. I used to be so thin up until about last summer and I hate it now. My family is the hardest on me with the name calling. They think it helps but really it just makes me feel so much worse about myself. I've been really depressed and been put on anti-depressants but I know if I could just be think, things would be OK. I honestly don't know why I gained so much. I haven't changed eating habits and I don't eat a lot of junk. I have the occasional binge but I usually end up purging afterwards. I wish I could have the self confidence that you guys have. I hate myself and what's worse is I've even started self-harming so now I'm not just fat and disgusting, I have scars and cuts to make me even uglier. I guess if you guys could just give me some advice on how to get my self confidence back that would be good. Thanks.
Chubby Monkey
Dear Chubby Monkey,
I'm not usually the one to respond to these but after reading your message I just felt I had to say something.
First of all, I'm bipolar. It's a disorder I've struggled with for more than half my life but I'm proud to say I've now been med-compliant for almost 2 years. However, it took almost 20 years of fighting against doctors, medications and therapy for me to finally understand and accept my condition. And during those years, my weight has gone up and down repeatedly. Part of that is due to the medications I've been prescribed. Part of that is due to the depression. And, of course, part of that is due to horrible eating habits and lack of exercise. :) Anyway, I mention all this because some of your weight change could be attributed to the anti-depressants you're taking. I'd suggest talking it over with your doctor and pharmacist.
As for the cutting, binging & purging and low self-esteem, please please PLEASE discuss this with your doctor and tell him/her what's going on. I think once you get to a point where you can learn to love and accept yourself unconditionally, the cutting and purging will stop. But we're not professionals and your doctor can't help you unless he/she knows all the details. If you have one of those kinds of doctors who wants to shame you for your actions, GET A NEW DOCTOR! During 25 years of therapy, doctors, etc. I've seen so many I could write a guide. *grin* Seriously, though, make sure you connect on some level with your doctor so you can get the most out of your treatment.
Finally, I don't know what the "normal" weight range is for a 20 year old female who is 5'7" nor do I really care. What I do know is this - I'm 5'9" and weigh close to 300 pounds and I'm trying to get down to 200 (I think my ideal weight is between 145 and 165). So, while you may be over your desired weight, you are by no means morbidly obese.
So, my best advice would be to start learning how to love yourself unconditionally and become your own best friend. Once you accomplish that, I'd be willing to bet everything else sorts itself out. Just remember to take it slowly and be good to yourself. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL and anytime you forget that, feel free to e-mail me or Fatty for a reminder! :)
Peace,
Bertha
Dear Fatty,
Hello, I'm a 16 year old girl, 5'4" and weigh 200+ (that's all I'm going to tell because I'm so ashamed of it). My whole family is overweight and I've tried to lose weight but I can't because it's so hard. When I see girls with boyfriends I want to cry. My two friends are skinny but I'm so ashamed. I know I need help but I can't keep the weight off. What should I do? Thank you.
Can't Keep It Down
Dear Can't Keep It Down,
Ashamed? Of what? The fact that your body isn't the same size as everyone else's? There is no shame in that. That is the first thing you are going to have to fix. Find ways to accept yourself as you are and truly unconditionally love yourself. God loves us no matter what we look like - and I think that if you looked a little closer at yourself, you would find some good things about you to be proud of. Focus on the positive things and take the negative thoughts out of your head.
Now as far as your desire to be skinny - this may never happen. And you know that there are men who like bigger women so boyfriends arent always after those little girls. What they are after, is confidence, personality, joy, enthusiasm. You have got to get your head straight and then people will see the real you. And then .... You will have it together enough to take the weight off. I went through this last year. I am not in high school but hey - lets face it, there are happy couples everywhere. I know that you are a wonderful person and can be whatever you want if you love yourself enough to do it!.
Hang in there!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I think my boyfriend dumped me 'cause I'm fat. I'm 15 years old and I'm about 5'2" and I weight about 145. Anyway, he ended up with a thin bitch who thinks she's all that. What should I do? Should I lose weight and try to get him back or what? :) Thanks!
LILY
Dear LILY,
If your boyfriend dumped you because you're fat then he's superficial and never truly loved you to begin with. Why would you want to be with someone like that when clearly you deserve so much better? If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself -- AND NO ONE ELSE! I know the pain all too well of being rejected because of my appearance and after many painful years I finally had enough. I started learning to love and accept myself unconditionally and eventually I started attracting people in my life who genuinely liked me for ME - not what I looked like.
Also, people who carry themselves like "they are all that" and better than everyone else are actually lacking in self-esteem. So they act that way to protect themselves from anyone actually getting close to them. Sounds like your boyfriend left you for an empty shell - his loss!
I know it's hard but try not to let the opinions of the shallow, hollow people get to you, especially if they aren't anyone important in your life. It's what YOU think that matters and you are beautiful! Anytime you doubt that, you just drop us a line! :)
Bertha (filling in for Fatty)
Dear Fatty,
I'm 16 and weight 180. I'm in that popular clique in school and friends with all the guys but most of my best friends are guys. Recently I lost 30 pounds but my guy friends say that I'm "face pretty" and they all comment on my big boobs. But what I don't get is that one of my best friends likes me but will never go out with me because I'm overweight. How am I supposed to take it? Am I supposed to feel OK with it or ashamed? I don't know what to think. :(
Kay
Dear Kay,
Should you feel ashamed??? NOOOO!!!! Never feel ashamed for who you are. You should, however, feel that your friend who doesn't want to go out with you because you are fat is either a big jerk or just oblivious. I like to think that men are just oblivious. Now, before anyone considers that a male bashing statement, let me explain. Men never see us the way we truly are because they don't think the way we do. It is a proven fact that men and women are different. My advice to you is to let him go on his merry way and find a guy who will appreciate you. You deserve to be unconditionally accepted. See, if you lose more weight and get down to a weight that pleases him and then he wants you, did he really want *YOU* in the first place? Or did he want something that fits what he *THINKS* is attractive??
Hang in there and NEVER feel ashamed!! *smile*
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I'm 20 years old, 5'9" and weigh 280 pounds. I have a hard time getting guys because I'm a BBW. What should I do? Please help!
shygirl20
Dear shygirl20,
Being a BBW is not the reason that you have a hard time getting guys. I am a BBW and have been hit on a lot lately. It has to do with my confidence and the fact that I don't really care what people think about me. I am not telling you that being fat is the greatest thing in the world, because you and I both know that's not true. But it goes along with the saying - If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Well I am sure that there are lots of things you can do for your appearance - but I am sure that if you are shy and timid and thinking that being a BBW is keeping you from getting guys, confidence is going to be your key. Accept yourself as you are - God makes us all in his image and he doesn't make crap. You are a beautiful person and people will love you if you put your best, most confident foot forward so to speak.
Being shy sometimes stinks too - start practicing talking to strangers in the mirror. Have pretend conversations with people you don't know in your head. Soon, you won't be so shy anymore as well. Hang in there shy girl - you can do this!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
Hey. I'm in the 8th grade and although I feel overweight , I don't really know if I am or not. I weigh around 130-135 lbs and Im 13. Everyone at school says I shouldn't lose weight because they say I'm skinny, well I don't think I am. I recently went on a 'diet' to lose weight and I lost over forty pounds which is really good, I think., but I think I still look the same. My mom says she can tell but I can't. Is it just me or am I really fat?
Kell
Dear Kell,
It is good that you are worried about your weight but at 13 you should really be careful about dieting. It is not healthy for you - still growing like you are - to go on fad diets. If you have a diet that your doctor has recommended then I think that would be ok. I do not think you are overweight. I dont know how tall you are so I can't tell you exactly what your ideal body weight is.
The key thing here that you should know however is this - no matter how much weight you lose, you will never look good to yourself until *YOU* start to believe it. If people are telling you that you are skinny, then more than likely you are! People don't say that otherwise. Start to believe in your beauty and strength as an independent young girl. This self assured thinking will be good for your self esteem. Another thing, exercise is the key to maintaining your young figure. You don't even need to diet at your age if you just get moving. *smile* Walking, biking, inline skating, all of these are great ways to keep active.
Hang in there Kell - You are beautiful and you need to believe that!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I'm not fat and I'm not even a girl. In fact, I'm 5'11" and only weigh 145. I only came across your site, b/c a friend linked me to the "Fat Girl Quiz". But I stuck around and took a look at the whole site (btw, I was only a wannabe fat girl :) )
Anyway, I do deal with serious self-esteem issues and I find your advice in the "Dear Fatty" column to actually be wonderful for anyone, including someone like me. I feel better about myself reading your advice and realize I do need to take time to stand in front of the mirror and see that I am a beautiful person. So, I just wanted to say thank you and let you know you are doing a wonderful thing. :)
Jakob
Dear Jakob,
Thanks for your words as they mean a lot to me. I know that we all need someone to tell us that we are ok from time to time and it makes me feel better to be the one who does that. I learn a lot from the emails that I get and I really had no idea that there were so many wonderful people out there struggling with self esteem issues like myself. You know - i am not perfect, and I don't know everything. But I am really good at telling you what I have and have not had success with. So I think that through my sharing, it makes the lessons I have learned, twice as valuable.
I am glad to see that you are poking around our site. You know we all know that physical attractiveness is the forefront of social acceptance. We aren't asking anyone to say otherwise - just want them to know that we are talented, beautiful people who are as wonderful as they (society) thinks that they are. I think that is all anyone wants from life - to be accepted in society as a member.
You stay strong - because you are going to be alright. Knowing your inner self is the first step to letting it out for others to see. Hang in there - you too are beautiful even if you arent fat *grin* j/k
You can email me anytime you need a reminder from someone who believes in you!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
Hello! I would just like to say that this website is such a lifesaver and so refreshing! I'm 17 yrs old, 5'6" and weigh about 257lbs. Although my nutritionist(yes my nutritionist), says she would've never guess I weighed that much, thats what the scale says! About 2 years ago I lost a bunch of weight and got down to about 155 (yes, i gained about 100 lbs), and wore a size 10. When I started feeling like I was gaining weight back (which was my biggest fear), I became depressed and developed social anxiety disorder, which made me so nervous to be around my peers and friends,( I thought they were jugding me on the weight I gained), that I skipped school and my grades dropped. I fell into a deep depression on top of my social phobia and started eating and eating and stopped exercising on a count of having no emotional energy. I felt worthless and a failure. Well, at this point in my life, I am on my way out of this darkness,, but I am a size 22 and would like to be fitter and lead a healthier lifestyle. It has taken me a long time to get over the fact that I don't have to be skinny to be happy, and that my past days of being thin won't come back like magic. But as I am on my way out of the tunnel, I try to seek support from others but it's just not there. My family doesn't give me support, all I see is disappointment from them at how much weight I've gained. I walk around in shorts and a tank-top and my dad just shakes his head. I mean, Its his damn fat genes that contribute to my problems with weight! Geez! Even my grandparents throw "you need to lose weight" comments at me, I feel so rejected. And my mom constantly yells at me to stop eating something, or, "don't eat anymore more of that", almost everytime I pop something in my mouth, and all this in front of my friends too! I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. My brother also asks me often "have you exercised lately?", and when I haven't I have to make up excuses and usually just walk away feeling like someone has punched me in the stomach. I know that my family is just looking out for me but these remarks just kill. I want more than anything to lose weight and lead a healthier life; I feel I will always be a disappointment to my family if I don't. I'm a confident, intelligent(I've raised my grades now that I'm going to school), loving, and people say I have a beautiful face, but feeling so different from the ones who are suppossed to care for me doesn't help my motivation, self-esteem, or social anxiety disorder-- I feel so hurt sometimes. How can I help my family to see the unkind words and actions they *think* are helping are really hurting? Thank you!
Fat Friend With Family Foes
Dear Fat Friend With Family Foes,
First let me say that I am very proud of you for recognizing the need for professional help. Most people are ashamed to seek the help of others, and I want to acknowledge that right off the bat. You may have eaten the food by yourself that made you fat, but the way you feel was given to you by others and you will need some help with those notions.
Second, the only way to explain what you feel to your family is to be politely blunt. "Mom - when you say these things, you make me feel worse than I already do and I don't want that kind of help. I know that you love me - and I know that you want the best for me, but you are hurting me so please stop saying....." It is a conversation that is going to be soo hard to have. I have had this conversation with my father more than once. You may have this conversation and it not work - you should be prepared for that. You can talk over options of having them accompany you to therapy. That is probably the best place to have these conversations. Not everyone is healthy in their thinking unfortunately and do not understand about wanting a mentally healthy lifestyle. Seek the support of those who do understand (like me *smile*) and let them help you with unconditional support too.
It's not going to be an easy road - but it is one you can travel. Hang in there - you can email me any time!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I really love your website, I appreciate all the self confidence you show and support for all the fat girls in the world. I am 17 years old, 5'4" and 250lbs, I know that is not normal, and I have a boyfriend who lives in Tennessee, who I have met online. He has seen my face and he knows I am big, but he doesn't know just HOW big I am. We are meeting soon, and I am worried about his reaction... what should I do??? Thanks!
Mandinga
Dear Mandinga,
Well - since you are afraid that he will dump you, dump him first??? NOOOOO!!! *smile* Be confident. Your confidence will show through and that is what men are really attracted to. And if he isn't, he is a moron and you don't need him. But I am sure as in all cases, if you act like you are the most beautiful girl in the world without being arrogant, he is going to love you.
Hang in there!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I am overweight. I am 5'8" and 150 lbs. I am also 15. I am part of this group in my school that makes you wear tight clothing and perform in front of people (aka colorguard) everyone in my guard is abnormally skinny and they don't like to talk to me because I am fat. How do I deal with this? I am constantly feeling sad when I go to that class and I wish there were more "normal" girls on the team..please help!
Sadly Overweight
Dear Sadly Overweight,
First off - you are NOT overweight. The other girls are UNDERWEIGHT. Your BMI is 23 and normal is 19 - 25. So you are right in the middle. Also your ideal bodyweight at that height is 149-153. So I say again - you are not overweight.
I think the thing to emphasize here is this: People see in your what you allow them to see. If you show them an insecure, average weight girl who thinks she is fat, then that is what they will see. Act like the beautiful girl that I know you are and people will love you no matter what you look like. These girls that don't talk to you are out and out losers. You can tell them that I said so personally. Send them to the URL and let them see all sorts of people who are human beings who are trying to fit in this world.
Another sad thing that you have to remember is that high school sucks donkey - and I am sure you have heard worse phrases than that from TV so I don't feel bad saying it. Some teenagers are cruel in nature because it keeps them from being attacked by others. Just remember that the point to High School is living through it. Not what everyone there thought of you. Find friends in other places and in that class if no one talks to you, then sing to yourself - out loud. Let them know that they aren't hurting you by denying you their bad treatment. Be Strong! Be Bold! Be the beautiful girl that you know you can and let them all be damned for not accepting you the way you are.
You are going to make it through this - everyone does. If you need someone to talk to, lemme know. I will listen.
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I read a lot of those entries from other girls, and it makes me sad that they think they are fat, and they're really not!!! I am 19, 6'1" and roughly 275lbs. I know I am fat.. and the hardest thing for me to deal w/ is that all of my friends are skinny, and they always want to go out, dressed up, showing skin. & then they ask me why I don't wear tanktops! I'd rather wear a sweater during the summer than be caught in a tanktop. They always tell me I am big, not fat, but I think they're just being nice. I don't know where to find support, because I really do want to get down to at least 190-200lbs. I will still be a big girl even at that weight. But I just can't get the willpower. I've asked God, and that hasn't really gotten me anywhere, yet.. *i think* But I hate going out!! At one point, I went out b/c I thought it would help my self-esteem. But, nope. I only left those parties feeling more self-conscious and disgusting. I wish my girls would listen to me when I try to say I hate being this way. They just tell me I'm beautiful the way I am, and leave it at that. I really don't feel beautiful!! I need some words of support, from someone :(
LovelySixOne
Dear LovelySixOne,
First let me say this - it is great to see another tall girl out there!! Rock On!!
Willpower is a strange thing. It is one of the most ellusive things in the world at times but at other times, it is over abundantly available. The thing to remember is this - do what you can. Ok - so you set out to eat better - and you do for a couple of days - then BAMM!! you eat something you think you arent suppossed to. So far - all this is all good. Here is the catch. What most fat chicks do is - "aww man i am never going to lose weight" and go back to eating the way they used to. Here is what I did - "Ohhhk. I have just eaten ice cream and it is not the end of the world. I am going to eat healthy now" and continue forward. What people don't realize is that just because you eat something that isn't healthy, it isn't the end of the world. If you keep going, you will still lose. Also - increase your exercise level and keep telling yourself that this is because you wish to LIVE. See - the truth of the matter is that we fat chicks are killing our hearts and our bodies. We will die sooner than healthy people. And what kind of living are you doing when you feel you have to wear a sweater in the summer? That's not living - that is surviving.
So live a little and start exercising. Do this because you need someone to look up to (yourself). And if you need someone to give you a push now and again - you email me and I will do it!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I am 14 years old and am about 200 pounds. I hate the way I look and how people make fun of me. It's almost the end of the year and I'm going to graduate from grade 8. I dont know where to get my dress and how I can get a date. Please help!!!
I Can't Get A Date
Dear I Can't Get A Date,
Congrats on graduation. I am glad that you made it through the first 8 years of school. I wanna tell you though - it is only going to be worse in the next 4 years. Kids are cruel and they make fun of people who are different. You said it yourself - you hate the way you look - why should anyone else like it?? The first thing I want you to do is turn around - go to the bathroom and get in front of the mirror. Then I want you to take both arms and wrap them around yourself and say these words - "I am sorry for hating you. I am sorry for treating you bad. I am sorry that I dont love you enough." These are called affirmations and they are the first step in feeling better about the person within this body you hate so much. If you do this often and add to these things - like "I am beautiful. I am smart. I am intellegent. I am a good catch for a guy." - then you will start to believe them and people will see a confident young lady that they dont want to pick on - or when they say things, you will know without a doubt that they are wrong. Baby - PLEASE start loving that girl inside the body you hate. Summer is a good time to dedicate yourself to get moving and shape up before High School. Take a 20 min. walk everyday and enjoy the scenery of your neighborhood. Watch MTV and dance non-stop for 20 mins a day. Anything that keeps you moving for 20 mins. a day everyday - and then work up to 30 mins. and 40 mins. and so on.
Now - the dress - go to Avenue.com or to Lanebryant.com and you should be able to locate one of their stores near you. They have great clothes at affordable prices. Also JCPenneys and Sears have a great plus size selection as well as - believe it or not - WALMART. Good luck and settle for nothing less than what makes you *FEEL* beautiful.
You can do it and I am going to keep you in my thoughts for a few days so I can send you some spiritual care.
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I'm not exactly 'fat' in the stereotypical sense, I just have a big stomach. I try to eat well and exercise regularly, but it always ends up slipping. I go to the gym weekly with a friend but I haven't been for about 6 weeks with one thing and another and about all the other exercise I get is through walking to school. I just can't get myself motivated. Any suggestions?
RandomPsycho
Dear RandomPsycho,
Motivation is one of those things that can come only from within. I asked so many people for help and ultimately the only thing that worked was to pray that God would give me strength and then do what I knew was right. You know what you need to do without anyone telling you. Willpower is a hard thing to get but it is not 100% ellusive.
Hang in there. You can reach your goal if you really really want it and work towards it.
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
I'm 4'11 and 109 pounds why am I so fat? I do crunches walk and swim just about every night and I don't eat much fatty foods at all. What can I do to lose weight?
Fatty Mc Batty
Dear Fatty Mc Batty,
First off - here is a website that you can go to that will calculate your BMI. Thats your BODY MASS INDEX. That is what determines whether or not you are fat. According to the numbers, your BMI is 22 - which is right in the middle of the normal range. Meaning that by physicians standards, you are not fat.
Now by vogues standards - ahhh forget vogue and any other magazine or societal bull**** that makes you feel fat. You are not! And if you are doing exercises, you are probably carrying around some muscle under there that makes your mass a little denser than everyone else's - meaning - muscle weighs more than fat.
You are going to have to put yourself in a more positive frame of mind and see yourself beautifully because you are! You are beautiful in every single way....VOGUE cant bring us down...(oh wait - isn't that a Christina Aguilera song?) Seriously - all kidding aside, start to tell yourself positive things and start to believe them - run the numbers bay bee - you ARE NOT fat.
Hang in there - and think good thoughts!
Fatty
Dear Fatty,
Waddup Waddup Fatty?
I am a 14 year old female, 4'8" and weigh about 114 lbs. What's up with that? I wear size 5 (juniors). I mean, that's pretty big for someone my height. My friend is taller than I am and she weighs only 105 and she's 5'2.5". I work out all the time - I got the highest score in my class in gym doing pushups. That's good, right? Well I just want to know what should I do to go down and lose like about 15 pounds. Thanks.
Livin~Large
Dear Livin~Large,
Hey Gurl - wassup yo!
Ok - ghetto slang out of the way! Girl you have got to be kiddin' me. You are NOT big. You are only 26% BMI which means you are 6 lbs over your ideal body weight. And I am thinking that if you are working out in gym class and stuff that you are not truly overweight because you have built muscle. And it is like I have told everyone - MUSCLE WEIGHS MORE THAN FAT. Girl - keep up the good work and if you truly wanna drop 15 lbs, ask your gym teacher about some muscle toning exercises that will trim you up some more - the more muscle you build, the more fat you will burn. Just remember - WATER WATER WATER - you needs ta drank you some water and whatup.
YO! You can do it!
Fatty
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