Maybe it's because the way I feel, sappy as it sounds, is hard to put into words. I knew it would be a drag when MP ended, but I tried not to think about it, because I always thought, "I'm going to have to find something else on TV to take its place, I guess." But I could never think of anything that would take its place. If she'd asked me how I felt, maybe that would have been easier. Kind of the way you feel the day before your fun vacation is over, and you're going to have to go back to work. It feels a lot like the time I drove up to one of my favorite Italian restraunts, that I had been going to for 10 years, and found it boarded up, with only a notice that a new Mexican restraint would be opened by new owners in about a month. It wasn't just the food I'd miss, though I'd miss that a lot. I'd miss the excitement of getting dressed up to go out to dinner there on a Saturday night or a special occasion, the times I had sitting around with my friends, drinking wine, and talking and laughing. I was just kind of at a loss, dissapointed and sad that one of my favorite places was completely gone. As I've followed the auction, and I've watched bids for the props and wardrobe from the set climb so high that I have no chance of getting anything, I also feel kind of like the time I was on vacation and left my purse on a chair to go and pick up my order at a fast food restraunt, then a few minutes later realize my purse was missing and I wasn't going to get it back. Now that it's sunk in that there isn't going to be a next episode to look forward to ever again, I mostly feel numb.

It's also easier to look back and remember MP, though that kind of makes me sad too. And I do have lots of memories.

I remember the first time I ever heard of MP, leafing though the TV section of the paper to see an article about its premiere. The picture of Andrew Shue caught me eye because his smile reminded me a little of my then-boyfriend, now husband's. I remember thinking, "Oh, another one of those lame soaps that will last about a month before it gets cancelled that no-one will watch." I kept getting it confused with a short lived soap that aired around the same time with Drew Barrymore, 2000 Malibu Road.

I didn't have anything else to do after 90210 one night a few months later, and thought I'd leave the TV on. I wasn't instantly hooked. I think after the first time I watched it all the way through, they had the scenes from next week, with Billy's boss sexually harassing him, and I kind of liked that and thought I'd watch next week to see what happened. I started then to get interested in the sub-plot about the doctor who was tempted to cheat on his wife at work with another doctor--I didn't want him to but part of me hoped he'd do it. Things heated up, and sometime between then and the 90-minute season finale, I was hooked. I was surprised to hear myself say out loud, "I love this show." during the opening credits of the finale, as I watched the camera track through Allison and Billy's apartment while U2's "Even Better than the Real Thing." played. And when Jane held up her hand to show her wedding ring to Kimberly and proceeded to tell her off, I clapped and said, "All right!" out loud, something I couldn't ever remember doing at a TV show before.

I remember looking forward all summer to the second season, and not being dissapointed; someone called someone else a whore in the first 5 minutes. Around this time, I found friends at work who also liked Melrose Place, and they would come over on Wednesdays to watch 90210 and MP and drink. While I still was bored with the Alison and Billy sub-plots, I looked eagerly forward to see what would happen next with Kimberly, Jane, Michael and Sydney. Some of my friends thought Michael was funny, but I *hated* that man. I remember how much I looked forward to Wednesday nights, sitting around in the living room with my friends, talking about what a bitch Amanda was, what a slut Sydney was, and what a bastard Michael was, and laughing our butts off.

By the end of the second season, I'd started reading tabloid spoilers-I couldn't help myself. I know way beforehand that Kimberly wasn't really dead, that Alison's dad molested her and their wedding wouldn't happen. I impressed my friends, but wished I hadn't ruined it. Of course, I still got some real shocks.

The show where Kimberly was revealed to be standing on the beach scared my friend so bad she didn't want to walk to her car in the dark. I remember the moment when Kimberly took off her wig--my friend said, "Oh, sh*t!" and I said, "Ho...ly.... (same bad word)" with my eyes bugging out of my head. I just totally didn't see it coming, especially on a soap opera where characters are supposed to look beautiful. It shocked me as much as anything I've seen on St. Elsewhere or ER...maybe more because on those shows, you expect it. It just plain blew me away. I'll never forget the way it made me feel.

I remember looking forward to the premiere even more in 1994...the "Mondays Are a Bitch" ad campaign really psyched me up for it. I realized the show had dropped any pretenses of trying to teach moral lessons, like 90210, and just came out of the closet for what it was: a trashy, cheesy, over-the-top parody of a nighttime soap. By calling it a parody, I don't mean it as a put-down...it seemed to take all the watered-down stuff on daytime soaps, cut to the chase, and show what fans wanted to see. Cat-fights, people trying to kill one another, passionate sex, someone calling someone else a bitch or a bastard right to their face. The show knew what it was and didn't try to take itself too seriously.

I started taping the episodes early in the third season, right after the scene where Alison tells off her pervert dad at a family barbecue and I thought, what the hell is wrong with me, not taping this so I can watch it again? I started watching episodes more than once. About halfway through season 3, I asked my then-boyfriend-now-husband if he'd mind watching an episode with me, and he actually said he'd give it a try. Three episodes later, he was coming home after work Monday night and wanting to watch the tape of MP right away to see what happened. He started having just as much fun as I did watching it, and making fun of the dumb parts. I never once had to pout to get him to watch it, and he took a break from work to come home and watch the third season finale with me. Right off the bat, he loved Peter and Michael together, and laughed at almost everything they did. I realized somewhere along the way, I had stopped wanting Michael dead and started looking forward to any scene he was in to add comic relief to. I remember getting to the point where I would not miss an episode for ANYTHING, I didn't care what it was, MP took priority. Dinner at the White House? Sorry, MP is on that night. I remember actually having nightmares that I fell asleep and missed an episode, or spaced out and forgot to tape an episode. I remember beginning to order Chardonnay when I ordered white wine and the server would ask me what kind, because Amanda and Kimberly had ordered it during a scene where they met in a bar to plot against Michael. If it tasted horrible, I might have stopped, but I decided it was my favorite and it is my wine of choice to this day.

I remember the Oklahoma bombing, and MP making the decision not to show the explosion. I remember opening up a tabloid and reading the 3rd season finale spoiler that Kimberly was going to blow up MP. At first I thought it was so over-the-top that the tabloid had made it up. Then I remember thinking clearly "this is it, this is the peak of MP. They'll never be able to top this, and everything after this will just be downhill. They won't be able to go anywhere but down after they've played all their cards." I also knew somehow that MP was the most popular it would ever get. Both Rick and I knew that the bomb had been cut out of the finale, but we both loudly and simultaneously went, "Oh, MAN! NO WAY!" when the picture froze with Kimberly's finger right over the detonator and the smile on her face.

By this time, books, tie-ins, and magazines started coming our with Melrose Place as the theme, and I got so excited every time I found a new one. I remember during the summer before the 4th season, feeling sad because the wedding I'd planned for a year had come and gone (post-wedding depression) and wondering what I was gonna do with myself now that all the planning and anticipating was over. The night before we left for our honeymoon I found "The Official MP Companion" at the book store and being so overjoyed I forgot all about being depressed. I remember also very clearly being on my honeymoon, starting to get bummed out because it was our last night at Disneyland and we were going to have to fly back the next day. I was watching TV at the Disneyland Hotel and the station was on FOX. I held my breath as the teaser for the premiere said, "Get ready, because this season of MP... begins with a bang!" and they showed the explosion. I jumped up and down on the hotel bed I was so excited. Whooo-hooo! Suddenly I felt sooooo much better. This is still up there with the best of my honeymoon memories, along with Disneyland and getting my picture taken under the Melrose Place street sign at an intersection on Melrose in L.A.

I remember not being disappointed at all by the 4th season, though I was worried it wouldn't live up to the 3rd. In fact, the show seemed to have plenty of very funny, intentional humor. Michael and Sydney were incredible. They just got more and more hilarious. The show was so over-the-top, and they were throwing in all kinds of fun things and twists, and Sydney started dressing like an extra from the set of Austin Powers. I remember going out shopping and seeing a mod outfit at a vintage clothing store almost identical to one of Sydney's and buying it mainly because of that.

I remember when my believability was stretched to the breaking point when Kimberly not only got out of the hospital, not only moved back into MP, but started her own psychiatric practice. Alison married Brooke's father. After a couple of months, I just gave in and enjoyed the hell out of it, no matter how crazy it got.

I remember talking back to the screen and really meaning it, not just by calling someone a slut, but caring what certain characters did. When Alison thought she saw Hailey after his death, then went up to the bar, I heard myself urgently saying, "No Alison...don't do it, Alison!" as if that would make any difference in her ordering a drink or not. I might clap or say, "You tell 'em!" while watching a show, but it's rare that I actually start TELLING characters to do something. I've done it the most on MP.

I wasn't "online" till the 5th season, so I read all my spoilers in magazines. I tried not to, or to tell myself just to read the first half, then throw away the rest not to spoil it. Didn't always work. There were times when I'd see a headline like "SHOCKING MELROSE TWIST!" and have to tear the page out of the tabloid FAST while I still could, rip it up, and throw it away. Then I would later pull it out of the garbage and try to tape it back together to read it. At one point--I am not making this up--I had to start ripping it up and flushing it down the toilet, the only way to keep myself from reading it. Unfortunately, there was the time before I knew what was going to happen to Brooke, when I turned the page in a tabloid and the headline "BILLY HAUNTED BY BROOKE'S DROWNING" leaped out at me before I could look away. That took care of that surprise. But I loved every minute of "No Lifeguard On Duty."

I couldn't help myself later when tempted by spoilers and read that Kimberly would develop multiple personalities and try to give Peter, Amanda, and Michael lobotomies. I thought, OK, that is the most over-the-top they can get without having someone be abducted by a UFO. I didn't believe this one would really happen until the plot started going that in that direction. I also realized the show was going to start having to get a little bit more serious, because it was in danger of crossing the line into bad self-parody. It was okay so far, but reallly treading on thin ice.

I loved every minute of the finale, though I had the feeling that the writers might have painted themselves into a corner with Kimberly and had nowhere else to go with her. I remember seeing that Jo would be leaving--the first original cast member to start trickling out. Never a good sign, but we'd see. I remember sitting there with my friends, loving the finale, all of us laughing very hard when Michael and Amanda tried to disguise themselves as mental patients to help Peter escape evil Betsey. I remember all of us jumping when Richard's hand suddenly clawed through the dirt, a la "Carrie", even though I had an idea of what was going to happen. I remember not seeing any "scenes from the next MP" and then remembering it was the finale, and thinking, there is no way I'm gonna make it 4 months till the premiere. I'm gonna go into withdrawal or something.

I remember reading an article about the 5th season, with someone connected with the show saying, "We're going to start making the show a little more realistic, and get out of the psych wards and more into relationships." I remember feeling relieved--little did I know I'd be longing for the over-the-top wackiness of Sydney being a porno producer or Kimberly giving Peter shock treatments very badly during the 6th season. I also remember a smaller part of me worrying that the show might get too serious and not as fun and campy.

I remember that the 5th season just wasn't as fun for some reason, and the media had started to notice this. It was becoming less "in" to be a MP fan, but I stuck by the show. New characters were introduced, lots of them, some interesting and amusing, some terrible. I hated Taylor at first, but realized by the end of the season she was pretty entertaining, especially compared to, say, Samantha. I still wouldn't miss my Monday night Melrose fix for anything. I remember the other time I talked back to the TV and really meant it--when Peter couldn't do surgery because he was traumatized, and was in a coffee shop when a man was in a car wreck, and you could see on his face him trying to work the nerve up to help it. I was saying, "Come on Peter...you can do it...come on....YES!" and clapping when Peter finally ran over to help the guy. (I also remember thinking, "Thank God no-one but my cat saw me doing that") Right around the time Peter finally slept with Taylor, I got online, and couldn't believe there were people as obsessed with the show as I was. I laughed so hard at the MP Drinking Game, and was thrilled when the rules I sent in were added. I started reading spoilers on the net, though the big ones still came from the tabloids.

I remember reading somewhere that Marcia Cross would be leaving MP in a few months, and feeling very sad. Again, they had nowhere left to go with Kimberly, but I was going to miss her so much, and knew the show would never quite be the same. I watched Kimberly being killed off, knowing it was the beginning of the end, or at least a different show. Even though she'd done everything possible, committed every sin, been involved in every plot twist the writers could imagine and there was nowhere else to go with her character, when people think of MP, they think of Kimberly and her insanity.

I missed her, but the show still had Sydney around. Then I read she would be leaving too, and then I knew MP was in big trouble. Alarm bells started going off. Then I read about Grant Show and Courtney-Thorne Smith leaving, and realized the exodus of staple characters was just going to get worse. I tried to prepare myself. I was so mad at Laura Leighton and the producers for killing Sydney off over a salary dispute. When I read in a tabloid (having fallen off the spoiler wagon again) that she'd be killed by a car on her wedding day, I was in denial. Hey, they'd said Hailey was gonna die in a plane crash, and they said Jake was gonna jump in front of the bullet when Jane shot Richard! None of that happened!

I was lucky enough to get to go to one of the "Finale Parties" thrown by FOX, where the finale would be broadcast live on-screen in a movie theater. A BIG movie theater. There were over a thousand people there. I waited in line for 2 hours, seeing that the fans in line weren't all women in their 20's. There were older guys who looked like plumbers, middle-aged women, frat guys, high school girls, a couple of grandmothers. I went in and felt like it was my birthday, there were tables full of free MP pins, stickers, postcards, and also free food and drink. All you wanted. I kept going back for more of those stickers, though now I wish I'd gotten even more. I made fun of two volunteers from the audience who got up to act out a scene from the show and looked like dorks, until the announcer handed each of them a giant-size "Mondays Are A Bitch" poster. I never got called up there for trivia--which was too bad, because there were a few questions that no-one but me got. They also got the crowd psyched up by showing last week's episode, which everyone loved. You should have heard people cheer when Alison pulled a bottle of Stoli out of her grocery bag. During the credits, the guys cheered the most at Heather Locklear and Laura Leighton. The women screamed the most for Jack Wagner and Andrew Shue. Lisa Rinna got booed.

The master of ceremonies urged everyone before the show to yell out whatever they wanted, telling us this was an audience participation event. "If Amanda is being a bitch, then you guys call her a bitch! If someone is being a tramp, call them a tramp!"Everyone was happy to oblige. The second Heather Locklear made her first appearance, even though she was just walking by innocently in the background, some guy promptly yelled, "Bitch!" to much hilarity. Everyone cheered every time Peter called Taylor a slut in the episode, and you should have heard them go nuts when Peter finally caught on to Michael and Taylor's plan by overhearing them outside the window. I can't tell you how fun it was yelling, "You can do it, Peter!" when he was getting ready to push Taylor off the lookout. When Matt was on trial during his custody battle for Chelsea, and the attorney for the mother came to question him and brought up with homosexuality, someone yelled, "But he never has sex!" People laughed for a long time at that one.

But the biggest reaction of the night came when Sydney got hit by the car. I already knew what was going to happen, but wisely kept my mouth shut. When the photographer told her outside the wedding chapel that he wanted to take some pictures just of her, some people were already figuring it out and starting to groan. When the moment of impact came and poor Syd bounced off the hood, every one of those thousand plus people in the movie theater went, "WHOOOOA!!" at the top of their lungs. After it was over and we were leaving, I didn't know which made me sadder--the fact that it was over, or the fact Sydney was almost certainly dead.Or maybe the fact that some bimbo who had admitted she didn't usually watch MP won the grand prize--a copy of the finale script autographed by every cast member. People booed, because she didn't even get the trivia question and they gave it to her anyway because they were out of time. I seriously considered going up to her and saying, "Can I see that for just one second?" then running like hell. I also kicked myself for not bringing along a few fifty dollar bills and offering them to her for the script on the spot.

I wanted that script so bad. Still do.

I was excited for the 6th season, though most of my anticipation was due to the rumor that two openings had been filmed, one where Syd lives and one where she dies. I think I knew deep down there was no chance of her making it. I got excited when they showed the teaser with just the pool guy, fishing various items out of the pool--handcuffs, panties,etc--while the MP theme played in the background. But the 6th season started off bad with no-one even telling Michael about Sydney's death, and got worse in a hurry. There were a few bright moments--Taylor trying to get pregnant, Craig shooting himself, Michael and Peter's little Western showdown in the hall of the hospital while Sergio Leone type music--but it had become something to sit through rather than anticipate. Shooters was gone. D&D was gone. They said that the series finale was the end of an era? D&D shutting its doors, Billy kissing Alison goodbye at the airport, Jake saying Shooter's was going to be turned into a Laundromat, that was the end of an era. It just wasn't the same. I didn't like the jazz club as a substitute for Shooters and I sure as hell didn't like Alyssa Milano as a replacement for Sydney. I don't know who I was happier to see go, her , Craig, or Samantha. I was a little more excited for the 7th season, since most of the characters I couldn't stand were gone, and Josie Bissett was coming back. But I wanted the old Melrose Place back. With at least one of the redheads back in it.

I remember getting the idea for a column, and writing to Stacie, who was so friendly and told me she'd be glad to have me write it. I really had fun doing it every week, and seeing it on the net. I had a feeling this was going to be the last season, and wanted to do something online while the show lasted.

Though I'd read an article in January talking about how the writers were getting ideas together for the series finale in case the show wasn't renewed, I still had some hope. Jack Wagner had said he'd love to do another season, and Locklear sounded hopeful too. I had mixed emotions seeing the announcement first thing Monday morning on E!Online--I was sort of relieved, because I knew the show should be ended before it got as bad as the 6th season again, and not many of my friends watched it anymore. Most gave up during the 6th season which I don't blame them for, I suppose. My husband still watched it with me, and I had also gotten my mom hooked on the show during the 5th season. But something that had been a big part of my life was ending.

I started doing Top 10 lists, because there was so much about the show that I loved, so many moments and lines that I wanted to put down while I still could. I finished my last one late Sunday afternoon, the day before the last episode. Earlier in the day I had temporarily deleted Stan's site from my bookmark list, because it had a scene-by-scene spoiler of the finale that I was scared I'd break down and read during a weak moment. I had a lot of weak moments during the last 2 weeks before the finale. I was all moody and crabby, due to the show ending, the fact I was trying to wrap up a lot of writing about the show, and also due to the fact I was slowly realizing, as the prices climbed out of my price range, that I didn't have a chance in hell of even getting a minor item from the official auction. I was already feeling sorry for myself, and while I knew most of what would happen on the finale, I wanted there to be SOME mystery left, and some surprises.

In fact, in the two weeks leading up to the finale, I think I went through most of the "stages of grief" that you hear about in Psycho 101. Anger, Denial, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Anger, as in, "How DARE they only give the fans a ONE HOUR finale?? FOX says they don't want to move the Ally finale to another night? Well, SCREW THEM!" Denial, as in "This isn't gonna be the last episode. They were just kidding. I'm sure they'll leave some cliff-hangers open for several TV movies" or "Well, I think I have a pretty good chance of winning the auction for Michael's desk-plate". Bargaining came about a week from the finale...I started realizing I'd do anything for just one more season, please God, just one more, I don't care how crappy it is, at least I'll still have the hope that the show will improve, and at least I can put off dealing with the show being over for another year. Depression started to come the day of the finale, when I realized this was really it, and furthermore, I was about about several hundred dollars short of even getting something crappy from the auction. That stage is still going on, and hasn't gotten much better since May 25th. Acceptance, I'm working on. My poor, patient husband, who has never once complained, cut me off, or rolled his eyes no matter how long and redundantly I rambled on about Melrose Place at any point in the last 6 years, finally had to tell me to knock it off when, the Wednesday before the finale, we saw an ad for the 90-minute series finale of "Home Improvement" and I started raving for the 50th time about how even that piece of crap got 90 minutes. "Yes, honey, you've explained that to me several times before", he kindly cut me off before I could finish. I was not fun to be around.

I was having big-time mood swings the day of the finale. I also felt conflicted. I counted the hours till 8:00pm, but knew when the time came that it would all be over.

I remembered how before, the hour leading up to 8:00pm Mondays would seem to be the slowest hour of the day...and the time from 8:00-9:00 would seem more like 5 minutes, not an hour. I remembered all the other years, how excited I was the day of the finale. But those days, I wasn't sad, because I knew Melrose would be back in the fall. Today I was sad. The day was here, and I was excited, but tomorrow at this time it would all be over.

The time before the finale on May 24th seemed to zip by pretty fast. Before I knew it, it was time to crack open a bottle of champagne, make popcorn, and gather in front of the TV. I got a very funny feeling when they started to show the clips. Something about the words "July 1992" coming on the screen...when I realized how fast the seasons had gone by..and that this was really it...something inside me started to hurt. I loved watching the clips, especially since they picked some pretty good ones. Especially with the theme played in the background. But knowing that it was almost all over, I could barely smile.

The finale would have zipped by even if they'd given the fans the 2 hours they deserved (don't even get me started on this) but so much was crammed into one hour that it was the fastest hour of MP ever aired. I didn't want to look at the VCR clock to see how many minutes were left, because I knew I would panic. Since I'd read spoilers of the finale in the tabloids, and TV Guide's article gave most of it away, there were few surprises. My mother and my husband hadn't read anything even resembling a spoiler, and they both said about 2 seconds after the cabin blew up, "They're not dead, they faked it." I was pleasantly surprised at Michael's happy ending, as the writers said over and over in advance that "Michael will finally get what he deserves." I'm glad nothing bad happened to him. But that funeral scene was so short, and the final wedding scene was over almost before I could blink. I felt sad but numb, and it wasn't just because of the entire bottle of champagne I'd consumed. I was hoping they'd wind up with the Melrose theme playing as Peter and Amanda romped i n the surf (as pictured in the tabloids) but there wasn't even a very lingering shot of them walking off into the sunset. I sat there patiently waiting for something, maybe some of the actors at the wrap party telling the fans goodbye, anything but that Spelling Productions logo for the last time. I didn't expect scenes from next week, I don't know what I expected, I felt like I'd been hit over the head with a very large board when they started showing "Previously on Ally McBeal".

I didn't cry. It was one of those horrible moments in your life when you are actually too depressed to cry.

I went to a grocery store on the way home to do my shopping, and sort of walked around pushing the cart like a zombie. I started to reach for the soap opera magazines near the checkout to scan for any mention of gossip on Melrose Place, until I remembered. That hurt. The thought that kept running through my head like a broken record was, "it's over. It's over. I can't believe it's over." It kept running through my head the rest of the night, and through the next day. It's slowed down some now that a few days have gone by, but every once in a while it will hit me again. I still haven't totally broke down and sobbed yet, though I started to do it the second time I replayed the video of the final episode, and the opening song came on with lyrics about "remember me..." Then I realized I was getting teary over a Sarah McLaughlin song, and hastily pulled myself together. That moment will definitely come, though. Hopefully I'll only have to have one or two really good, pathetic cries, then do what you usually do when you've lost something that was a big part of your life--remember the good times, and look back happily on the memories.

I won't remember Melrose Place the way the last episode was wrapped up, not with a bang, but with a whimper. I won't remember all those times during the sixth season when the show was so bad it even embarrassed me. I won't remember the characters the way we see them for last time on the finale.

I'll remember how every day leading up to the finale episode each season I felt like a little kid on Christmas Eve, thinking the time till I got to open my presents would last forever. I'll remember how I'd started to get excited around five minutes before each episode started, making sure the VCR was set up, the anticipation to see what was going to happen next. I'll remember the Mondays when I was going through a bad time at work, and how thinking, "Melrose tonight!" was sometimes the only thing that got me out of bed in the morning. I'll remember gasping in shock when Kimberly took off her wig. I'll remember laughing out loud in delight when Amanda told Jake, "In my office--NOW!" then started making out with him once they got there. I'll remember Kimberly the way she was, homicidal and over the top, and I'll remember the look on her face right before she rammed that pencil through the shrink's hand.I'll remember the episodes that I watched alone, and calling my friends or my mom or my husband as soon as the commercial break came on to say, "Oh God, that was so great!" because I couldn't wait till the end of the show. I'll remember the way I cheered when someone called someone else a bitch or a slut to their face. I'll remember sitting around with my friends, all of us yelling and laughing so hard when Sydney came out to strip at Billy's bachelor party that I was worried the neighbors would phone in a noise complaint. I'll remember having very long, in-depth discussions with people I barely knew about what would happen next week on the show. I'll remember making friends because we started out talking about Melrose. I'll remember my husband and I loving almost everything Michael and Peter did, and rewinding certain moments several times they were so awesome. I'll remember the way I'd lean close to the TV, holding my breath when it came time for scenes from the next Melrose Place, then playing the preview back over and over. I'll remember smiling every time I remembered something great that had happened during an episode, no matter how down I was at the time. I'll remember feeling like I died and went to heaven for several seasons every time the credits started, and my favorite hour of the week began. I'll remember Melrose Place as my favorite, most beloved TV show of all time.

Goodbye, Melrose. I'll never forget you. Never.

-Kitten With a Whip