Wet Baby Lips hightails it toward the pole-embracing car that contains a trapped Satan's Spawn and the Treacherous Terry. As he begins to open Terry's door first, which makes no logical sense whatsoever, Terry screams, "Sarah! No! Get Sarah!" Apparently, somebody has learned from history!! Hey, do you think they are trying to emulate a flashback? Keeping that Sarah kid outta your car is Shell Answer Tip #21, eh? Ryan tries the back door, but it's fused shut. "Watch your eyes, Sarah!" he shouts as he smashes it out with the obligatory large blunt object he finds sitting next to the car. The SUV screams up with G.I. D'oh and Hooker Girl inside. Baby Lips deposits his Spawn with his new bride and inexplicably rushes back to rescue Terry. Predictably enough, despite the lack of gas leakage, fire, or electrical damage, the car violently explodes moments after they are free of the wreckage. If only he had been a bit slower on the draw, this could've been a real finale.

Amanda and Peter discuss the Cheerleader Murder. "It's true. I killed Kent Damarr," she admits. She explains that she realized that her bracelet was back at the scene of the crime so she ran back to retrieve it from Klod's hand. How one manages to keep his grip on a small piece of jewelry while falling 30+ feet from bleachers and being dragged into a ditch is beyond me, but hey, physics was never the Queen's strong point, so let's just suspend our disbelief together, now. K? So when she returned to pry her bracelet from Klod's cold dead fingers, she found he was still alive. Whacking him in the skull with a large boulder (without breaking her nails), she foiled any plan he might have had about dragging his ultra-fractured, internally injured body out of the ditch to hurt her. Good plan. She then told her mother, Hilary, who, if anyone recalls from pre-Models Inc. days, had actually abandoned Amanda at a much earlier date, than she killed Kent. Since the Queen Mother was pals with Kent's mother and didn't want to jeopardize their future tennis dates, she convinced her daughter to let Eve take the rap. The Queen tells Peter that her trips to visit Eve in prison were partially out of guilt and partially to see if she remembered anything. "And now she has," replies Peter. Yes, after all those prior trips back to the site! "Guess it's my turn for prison," sighs the Queen. "No. That's not going to happen. I'm not going to let that happen," Lord Peter insists.

Over at Alien Eve's, the Empress Lexi glows with enthusiasm. She paces back and forth in a skintight blue stripy tank with sprayed on black pants, telling Eve that they need to get on the phone with a DA (or ADA or DAT) and get the truth about Kent's death out quick so that they can bring Amanda down. "People get nailed with this repressed memory stuff all the time!" she gleefully gabs. She picks up the phone and dials information. A voice that sounds curiously identical to Peter's says, "Directory assistance. This is Bob. City and state?" Now, is that the same Bob that Lexi ran over when she was loopy on downers. Glad he's got a job again if so! Unfortunately, before she can query the operator about his true identity, Eve whacks her on the back of the head with a wooden pepper grinder. Either that must be a magic condiment, or she must have special Jedi or Tae-Bo powers, cuz I doubt that if someone whacked me in the back of the head with a small hollow piece of wood that I'd say more than, "What the hell you doin?!?!" Whatever. Lexi falls to the floor unconscious as Alien Eve eerily states, "I'll take it from here."

Then we get some commercials.

As the credits run, we hear that annoying song with lyrics about "I will reMEMber you, will you reMEMber me..." All I am thinking is that I really hope that I will NOT remember the majority of the past two seasons. Ah, but then it'll all come back with the repressed memory stuff, so why wish.

Michael's strutting his stuff across the courtyard on his way to Lexi's. He knocks at her door, and Alien Eve shouts, "Come in!" Why is SHE here? She tells Mike that she's just looking after the place while Lexi is out of town on a big business deal. "Closing the deal, sealing the deal, whatever." Is that like closing escrow? He confides to her that he fears Lexi is only interested in getting Amanda sent to prison so she can have another crack at decorating the tree with Peter. Eve gets all starry-eyed, dopey, and liar-like and tells him that the plan didn't work. You see, she realized it was all just a "stupid dream", an eminence front, it's a put on that was all made up. Sultrily reminding Mike that Lexi is madly in love with him, Eve strokes his jacket and slinks out the door. Wiping at his jacket where she touched him, Michael frowns as if she had just smeared him with toxic waste.

Eve sneaks back to her own apartment and closes the blinds. She goes to her bathroom where Lexi is bound and gagged in the tub wearing only the cream colored lingerie that Nurse Audrey wore a few months ago. Eve brushes her teeth, using no toothpaste and not getting a smidgeon of the dark lipstick she's sporting on her teeth or the toothbrush. Observant viewers will recollect that lipstick is an indicator of true insanity. Too much smeared on your lips, you're a nut job. Brush your teeth with lipstick on, you've got toys in the attic. She explains to a frightened Lexi that she plans on killing Amanda and Peter, and then she reapplies her lipstick. "Got oodles to do! You have yourself a great day, honey," she instructs the struggling Lexi as she departs.

At Wilshire Memorial, Wet Lips and little Demonia walk toward Hooker Girl. Sarah, despite probable trauma and injury, is ready to leave and eager to attend the wedding reception. "One piece of cake and in bed by nine," says her responsible father. Terry comes out of the emergency room, and Sarah, suffering from Patty Hearst's Stockholm Syndrome, goes and hugs her kidnapper with great joy. "I know now what Callie meant when she was trapped in the car and said to take Sarah. She wanted you to raise her," bubbles Terry. Honestly, I think that Callie probably wanted Sarah to be safe first, but I doubt she thought about dying and leaving her child to that dork. She probably figured he'd have time to come back and rescue her. Anyway, they all forgive and forget as if she'd merely stolen a pack of gum. I shovel Tums a-plenty into my churning innards. Join me!! Whilst Kyle is filling out the ever-hated paperwork at the desk, Jane arrives and tells him she has news for him. He cuts her off and begins spewing about how they should take their time with their relationship and maybe do some traveling before they get tied down with the "heavy stuff," which just shows how incredibly unobservant this "Marine" is considering how obviously preggo Jane, who he has been knocking boots with for the past few episodes, is. She spills the beans, and he becomes schizoidically happy, spouting, "This is everything that I've always wanted!" and all one can do is stare at that odd, shadowy, inch-thick line between his lower lip and chin that makes it look like he's trying to grow a really strangely shaped beard thing. "Is this really what you want?" she asks. "Look in my eyes. Do I not look like the happiest man on the planet? YES!" he says. If that's what the happiest man on the planet is supposed to look like, I'd hate to see the most apathetic.

Still here at Wilshire, Michael bumps into Peter, accusing him of not answering his pages. He tells Peter that Dr. Schulman is on to him about the Children's Fund embezzlement which prompts Peter to compete with Megan in the Almighty Idiocy Department by asking Michael if he's considered being honest about the entire situation. Beer Nuts replies that he's "tried" but it would only have looked like a friend covering for a friend and, besides, the evidence is on Peter's hard drive. Peter exasperatedly sputters, "I was covering for what you did!" because, after all, that's what Chiefs Of Staff who own hospitals do for their bumbling idiot partners whom they detest. Whatever. They reach Peter's office just as a couple guys carrying Peter's computer come busting out. When Peter asks who they are, Big Ugly Guy answers by directing Peter's attention to the warrant in his pocket. Dr. Smooth removes it and reads it as Michael quickly tells him, "Anything I can do to help, buddy, just let me know," and makes a hasty exit.

Eve shows up at Burns Central and Peter asks her what's the status with the accusations about the Queen. Before the cock crows thrice, Apostle Eve denies it a second time, saying it was a dream. In a schoolgirlish tone, she recites, "I was transforming my jealousy into fantasy." "So you're okay with it?" he asks. "Oh, yeah. Yeah. More than okay. It's like I had an epiphany. I'm over you, Peter. I'm over both of you." She kisses his cheek and leaves a big lipsticky print. More with that lipstick! He rubs his face, sees the lipstick on his hand and gets all snarly and disgruntled.

In the GYN care section of Wilshire (remember there are no other doctors offices in the area), Jane's doctor tells her that she's due in November, which means that Kyle can't possibly be the father. "Oh my God!" she gasps, "Michael's the father." The last girl to find herself in the same predicament took off!! Maybe Jane will be a bit more creative.

Finally, a new location. At the Upstairs Non-Jazz Club, D'oh is offering up a lame toast to the happy couple and announcing their first dance. It'd be funny if the crowd threw up pieces of toast ala Rocky Horror, but don't hold yer breath - do it at home. Demonia stands looking all cheery and bubbly, still clinging to that damn teddy bear she took with her when she ran away. That child obviously needs therapy, and I'd rather see her go to Dr. Kimberly Shaw than that Visconti, any day. Would serve her right. Kyle asks Jane if everything's all right, and she says yes. Eve walks over to the Queen and Peter. She tells Amanda that she hopes that Peter has told her that she knows that her flashbacks were all just a crazy mix-up. After all, there is no way that Amanda could have killed Kent, cuz how could she have lived with herself all these years knowing that her innocent friend was frolicking with the wardens and the butch inmates instead of herself? And we all know from rock videos and late night movies that "All-Girl Prisons" are full of hot babes in shortie pajamas participating in fun activities for all, anyway. As she walks away, Peter turns to Amanda, saying, "That wasn't very reassuring, was it?" "Not at all," responds the Queen. In the middle of Ryan and Megan's first dance, Kyle grabs the microphone to announce that he and Jane are expecting a baby. Exactly why GI D'oh thought this would be an appropriate venue for such an announcement is beyond me. But since it is the finale, we need some form of excitement. Excited squeals ensue from some unseen partygoers, but no one we know steps up to offer congratulations. Amanda, still clinging to Peter, is shocked, and Jane looks appropriately uncomfortable. Peter asks Amanda if she's all right, to which she replies "It's perfect...perfect closure" and flees. We cut to Jane and Megan both looking uncomfortable, though Jane's probably just nauseous. She runs to the ladies' room, and Megan follows her. There is no grand finale barfing scene. "What's going on?" Megan asks. "Isn't it obvious?" Jane replies. "I'm unmarried and knocked up, and Kyle just ruined your wedding reception." She didn't say that actually, but Jane reveals that the baby is in fact Michael's and, since she can't bring herself to tell Kyle, she's going to do the responsible thing and run off somewhere, leaving Kyle a "Dear Moron" note to explain it all. "I can't stay here anymore," Jane sighs. "I'm leaving tomorrow." So much for being creative. And all after she just got back into town! She and Megan, the only two (so far) surviving members of the Michael Mancini Ex-Wives Club, hug, and Jane predictably swears Megan to secrecy as they leave to rejoin the party. As they exit the powder room, a stunned but purged Amanda emerges from a stall. Thus the moral of this scene: "Always check for feet."

The next day, Amanda returns to the scene of what is now either Dream House 2.1 or 3.0, depending on whether you think Jane represents a significant upgrade from Amanda. She finds Kyle hanging a cuddly mobile in thin air where presumably the baby's crib is supposed to go, assuming that this house doesn't burn down too. I'll assume all our union boys will be working around that one. After awkward conversation, she apologizes for intruding and turns to go, but Kyle senses there's something wrong: "It's that telepathy thing, when two people were once close and still are." I didn't realize Amanda and Kyle were still this chummy, but oh well. Amanda relays to Kyle what she overheard in the Upstairs bathroom last night. Kyle is floored, although even basic algebra would floor him. Lest Kyle think he's living for naught, Amanda informs him that Jane can and will give him his dream of having a family. Won't Peasant Serf Jane be delighted to discover that Queen Amanda has decreed this!?

Peter enters his office and finds Dr. Shulman and some of LAPD's finest, the "White Collar Crimes Division" (snicker) going through his stuff. By the way, Louis's department is now re-titled "Head Games and Shrinkage Division". Big ugly cop talks to him, yada yada tax evasion, yada yada fraud, and then warns Peter not to leave town before stomping out with a box of records. Dr. Shulman offers Peter a synopsis of why his character is headed for the sewer main: "You live like a rat, you die like a rat." Prophetic... Peter gives his "did somebody cut the cheese?" expression as Dr. Shulman departs.

Kyle enters the beach house and intercepts Jane, who is rushing out the door with her bags packed. He tells Jane that he knows everything - about her baby that is - not useful things like diction and math. She is furious, probably thinking Megan blabbed, but Kyle launches diatribe about how he wants to raise the baby as his and how much he wants them to be a family. "You make it sound so simple," Jane says plaintively. Simple is the Kyle way, honey. Kyle and Jane embrace as the scene ends, and suddenly I realize that the source of Kyle's attraction to Jane is that same Waring-blender hairstyle that Taylor used to have.

The pool glows ominously as Michael enters Lexi's apartment and sees what would appear to be our favorite wild redhead in a slinky black dress with her back to us. He assumes it's Lexi and is overcome by his usual horniness. But nothing is straight here, and we know that the mystery lady is probably someone else. As Michael begins to nuzzle her neck, the camera swings around to find - Norman Bates? J. Edgar Hoover? Marv Albert? RuPaul? Close - it's Eve, who elbows him in the gut and whacks him on the base of the skull with what appears to be the Maltese Falcon. Women across America cheer as Michael sinks to the floor, unconscious. Eve tosses her hair back. "Idiot," she says. Hey Mr. Spelling, could you please give the Psycho Eve her own show? She's the best character I've seen in a long time.

Somewhere that appears to be neither Kyle's restaurant nor the Upstairs, the Queen and her Lord are slow dancing and talking about how much they resemble Nero, carrying on blithely while Rome burned. No inflated sense of importance here. What's next - a comparison to FDR and Churchill about how they saved Melrose from the Germans? They chat about their respective prison terms. "So how many years do you think we're looking at?" asks Amanda. "Oh, I don't know. Me, probably five to ten, you a few more...unless, of course, we just...blow town..." replies Peter, who apparently attended the William Shatner Acting School after work today. They leave the restaurant, planning their escape. A speeding car zooms out of nowhere and tries to run them down but merely takes out the valet parking sign as Peter throws Amanda to the ground. "That was Lexi's car," Amanda gasps. A well-dressed lady, probably a winner of a "Win a Walk-on Part on the Last Episode of 'Melrose Place'" contest rushes up, identifies the driver as a woman with red hair, and announces that she's called 911. "This is beautiful...now Lexi's trying to kill us!" cries Amanda. "And you thought things couldn't get any worse," adds Peter.

Coincidentally, we know that the Empress had nothing to do with this, because our camera cuts to Lexi and Michael tied up in Eve's bathtub. No soap or brush in sight either! Lexi breaks free by sawing the rope against the shower stall door track, which in real life would probably take close to a week, but (all together now), THIS IS MELROSE. Dr. Beer Nuts dopily thinks that the real Lexi must have knocked him over the head, tied them both up, and sat in the bathtub waiting for him to regain consciousness, because he immediately berates her for getting him into this mess. Untying him, she fills him in on Eve: "She's fruitier than a nutcake!" That line was dead as a doornail... They escape Eve's apartment and sneak across the courtyard, Lexi still in her undies. "It's this building - it makes people nuts! Kimberly was the first," whispers Michael in his best Tony Danza voice. "Maybe it's the pool of water - you jump in, you go bonkers, you know? Sorta like the opposite of Lourdes!" Melrose fans roar with approval and laughter, but Lexi says shut up. They get back in her apartment safely and Lexi dials 911. Michael, in that retrospective spirit, yaps afar about how Kimberly and Sydney both went strange and bonked him over the head in their own special ways. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door, but my hopes for a surprise appearance by the late Syd or Kim are dashed, because it's merely the police, there to arrest Lexi (who's still in her underwear) for trying to kill Amanda and Peter a few minutes ago. Michael, obstructing justice and our view of Lexi, refuses to let them go unless they take him too. The officers comply. "I can't believe you're doing this for me," she pants. "Part of the engagement - I'll never leave your side again," Michael excitedly informs her. Since when? Lexi professes her love for Michael who counters with, "Ditto, kiddo" and they kiss as the cops cuff the Underwear Empress and her mate and haul them off to jail.

The set for the police station seems to have been salvaged from "In the Heat of the Night". Amanda issues her statement, whining about how much Lexi hates her. Not that that's a bad thing! Enter Lexi -- who has magically gotten dressed on the way to jail -- and Michael, herded by a peon whose sole function is obviously to parade the suspects in before the victims just so everyone can see each other, sneer, yell and then cause the chief to bark "Okay, time to go!" However, this time the guy in charge is interested in hearing Lexi's story, and she explains that Psycho Cheerleader lied about not remembering anything new from that fateful night at the bleachers. Now it's apparent that Amanda was the killer of Kent DeMarr. Peter protests, but Amanda fesses up because the guilt's weighed on her conscience for too long. "I let Eve go to prison when I was just as guilty," she states. Uh, looks to me Amanda's actually MORE guilty because she physically killed Kent. They keep cutting the camera to this overly made-up blonde female desk officer. Please let her be Kimberly in disguise!? Peter argues self-defense, but Lexi scoffs, and in response to the very confused police officer's question Amanda admits that yes indeedy she is confessing to the murder of Kent DeMarr. The blonde officer's mouth unattractively hangs open as we go to commercial. Does Amanda have a conscience after all??

Dr. Visconti enters his office and starts to turn on the light, but Peter, waiting in the dark, commands Puddles to leave the light off and to lock the door. Personally, I'd leave the room first, before I locked the door, but Dr. Visconti ain't down with the safety smarts. (After all, he did sleep with Dr. Shulman. Yeesh!) He seems more surprised than anyone to learn that Eve's memories were proven authentic. Since he's the one who brought them out under hypnosis, we have to ask ourselves yet again just which mail-order medical school or community college this guy got his diploma from. Peter reveals that Amanda hasn't been arrested yet, for some unfathomable reason because, (you know the drill) THIS IS MELROSE. He then emerges from the shadows carrying a large brown shoulder bag which brings back images of television's vintage fugitive, Dr. David Banner from the Incredible Hulk. "Eve tried to kill us," he informs Puddles. "Do you know where she is?" Dr. Visconti falls all over himself apologizing, but Peter instead reaches into his bag and pulls out the other Large Green Monster That Rules, several large wads of cash. He explains that he wants to" rent" Dr. Visconti's cabin for a few days, and demands the keys. Puddles gives him the keys but smartly declines the money, instead saying that he'll claim the keys were stolen if anyone asks him about it. Good idea to come up with a cover story that doesn't sound suspicious or will arouse anyone's interest. "You're a good man, Charlie Brown - I mean Louis," Peter intones as he leaves.

Amanda meets G.I. D'oh at the framework of Dream House 2.1/3.0. In keeping with the reality-warping nonsense, the house looks less finished than it did before! Not even a piece of drywall in place, just that unfinished wood. When Kyle comments on this, Amanda should reply, "I think it's a metaphor for the seventh season." Kyle says consolingly, "I heard about your troubles. I was really taken aback by that commercial I saw for Texas Justice on the USA Network next week. Are you really that hard up for cash?" "You sweet, foolish ex-slave! That was an old miniseries I did! Never again shall I be touched by the likes of Peter Strauss." Back to true dialogue, of her legal problems, she says that's in the hands of the authorities. She asks if he's decided what to do about Jane's pregnancy, and Kyle declares, "I will raise it as my own." "Oh, God, no, the poor child! I mean, that's wonderful. I'm happy for you." Geez, at least with Michael as a dad the kid would have had a fighting chance at life! Kyle tells Amanda that no one else will know: "You can't say anything to Michael." The Queen mutters darkly, "Like I'll ever have a chance." "That sounds like goodbye," Kyle notes, but she just says, "You have your secret -- I have mine." She then wanes melancholy, saying "I lived a lot of lives, stabbed a lot of backs, had a lot of love, get down tonight!." She adds that she'll miss Kyle. Sure, all of us will! "I'll miss you, too," he says. When he sees that she's still wearing the heart locket, he asks, "So how long till Peter makes you take that off?" "When you have a daughter! It'll be my gift. If you have a boy, I'll send him a baseball club and an 8x10 glossy of his Mistress To Be." They hug and wish each other a good life. Now just stay the hell apart, will you two!?

That night, The Pool relishes its latest treat: Lexi! Unfortunately, the Empress has decided not to be a total skank tonight, so she's actually wearing a bathing suit as she doogie-paddles happily. Yes I said "doggie PADDLES". Michael then enters triumphantly (not on horseback) with Dr. Puddles and another man. He yells to her, "We are gettin' married!" He introduces the guest star as Judge Hernandez, "who I ran into in outpatient care. He had some growth removed." This judge is heavily doped up. Lucky dude! I could do with some narcotics to get me through this lame-ass finale! This guy could be the "Mills Lane" of Guatemala. Mikey wants to begin the ceremony right now, but Lexi says, "Michael, honey, ah am not getting out of this delicious pool." The Pool agrees! So Michael hops in, fully clothed, followed reluctantly by Puddles and the judge. Lexi is quite surprised, but The Pool is repulsed! The judge launches into the "short version" of the ceremony. Michael quickly says, "Yes, I do" to his part, but Lexi can't go through with it. She says, "Two or three months down the road, I'm gonna lie to you or cheat on you and break your heart." She forces herself to output that he's a "great guy," but she feels it's best to end it here. Be happy, Mike, in my day, I always prayed for the wild chickies to call it quits before they got too attached. She climbs out of the pool, and Puddles waddles over and puts a consoling hand on the sad Michael's shoulder.

Cut to the countrylands, in Visconti's rural getaway cabin, Amanda and Peter relax by the fire. Fire, Butthead, heh heh!! He says, "This time tomorrow we won't be here, we'll be out of the country forever, and FOX will be sticking crappy reality shows in our time slot." He's confident that things will work out fine. "Think of what our romance has survived: husbands, wives, psychos, collagen-injected freaks, mood-hair women..." Still, Amanda is worried, "but I know that our love will get us through this. That, plus lots and lots of lying." They snuggle in front of the fire, and I feel like I'm trapped in an ancient Rod Stewart video.

A short time later, Michael -- wearing merely a bath towel -- answers his door to Dr. Shulman and a couple of police detectives. Irene says Amanda and Peter have left town, and she's convinced Michael knows where they are. As Michael stumbles verbally, Puddles walks out from the back, wearing Michael's robe. Shulman gapes! "You're gay?!" "No," says Louis, explaining how he had been in the pool and not, ahem, playing doctor. At least this gay character would've been a less uptight one, right? Michael tells her that Amanda and Peter are at the hotel, but the police say they've fled the coop. Shulman looks at her former stud-muffin Puddles and says she thinks he's hiding something. Puddles, who can stand up to Amanda, is no match for Shulman's iron will! He immediately crumbles and fesses up. Before you can say, "You dirty rat," Shulman, Michael, Visconti, and a bunch of armed police officers converge outside the cabin. (And wasn't it nice for the cops to wait for the boys to get dressed?) Question One: Do we ALWAYS bring civilians on armed raids?; Question Two: Wouldn't this be out of jurisdiction for the L.A. police?; Question Three: When does this end?? The detective tells the shotgun-toting cops that Peter and Amanda may be armed (by whom?!), which freaks out Michael, who pleads for a couple of minutes to talk to the couple and arrange a peaceful surrender. The detective agrees, and Michael takes a few steps toward the cabin when -- BOOM!! The whole thing explodes violently, sending Michael flying a brief bit. Could this really be the end of our beloved Queen? What about the reunion special Melrose Place: 2010?!?

The next morning, Jane and Kyle are having breakfast on the patio, and she announces she's having her first ultrasound today. Kyle promises to be there and bring some CD's (bu dam bum). A glum Michael then struts over with a copy of the morning newspaper. He wanted to tell them in person about Peter and Amanda's death before they heard about it on the news. The paper's top headline reads, "Couple Killed in Cabin Explosion"; underneath, in much smaller print, are "Cure for Cancer Found" and "Giant Radioactive Lizard Slays Thousands." Kyle and Jane are shocked by the news, and Michael says the explosion has been ruled an accident, perhaps the result of a propane leak in the cabin or too many burritos. He adds, "It was so bad they had to use dental records to identify the bodies, as well as analysis of the peroxide found in Amanda's hair samples." Oh no, not an ounce of suspicion here - propane tanks come with police-sensing probes which explode when surrounded! Kyle can't hear any more! Michael hands over some of her personal effects -- driver's license, ring, Brooke dartboard, whip -- but no locket. Kyle is puzzled. A funeral service will be held at a park today; Michael says Amanda wanted her ashes to be scattered over the Pacific. Does anyone wonder how he knows what Amanda's final wishes were, or how those autopsies got done with so fast? It's not like he was Amanda's attorney! He asks them to spread the word.

Let's skip right to the funeral, which isn't in a park -- it's in a park-ing lot! Oh, how the mighty have fallen! Kyle gets up to make a statement: "I saw Amanda yesterday, and she was happy. Right after we said our goodbyes, she yelled at a couple of tourists until they licked her boots. Man, she was in heaven." Sympathy for the eulogist abounds. The camera pans around to take in the other mourners, but aside from the current cast, who the hell are these people? It's not like Amanda or Peter had any friends. And where's Jake? (Yeah, I know, no reality permitted, but couldn't the producers have tried to get somebody for a walk-on?) As soon as Kyle is done, however, the lunacy continues. Here comes Alien Eve in her cheerleader outfit and pigtails! The loony toon says, "What can you say about a woman who let me spend 15 years in prison for something she did?" She mentions how Amanda also stole her husband. "Oh, and about that husband, did he turn out to be a sick, simpering lapdog or what? Hee hee!" She shocks the crowd by gloating over the deaths, and Lexi tries to get her to leave. "Lexi! You always wanted Peter all over you. Well, here he is!" Eve grabs Peter's urn and hurls the ashes at Lexi. The laughing Eve is dragged away by security guards (at a civilian's funeral??) who should have acted ten minutes earlier, while Lexi is grossed out beyond belief, since gray ashes on a black dress never looks good!

Later, at the hospital, Dr. Shulman sees Michael and Nurse Amy carrying some boxes. She thought he'd take the day off, but Michael smugly says, "Oh, the Chief of Staff never gets the day off." "What?!" He says Peter arranged for Michael to take over in the event of his death, as part of his "deal" with the hospital, and he shows her the paper that proves it. Oh, now just stop! You can't bequeath a damn job! What next, feudal land ownership?! Michael moves into his new office, and Amy holds up a penny she found. "Michael, that's good luck. Make a wish on it." She leaves, and Michael concentrates hard -- but nothing happens. A second later, in walks a bodacious babe in a much too skimpy nurse uniform. An awed Michael whispers, "It worked." "Hello, I'm your new assistant, Ingrid, from Physical Therapy." OK, so just in case there was any confusion before, the episode has now officially gone into the Twilight Zone. The finales of Twin Peaks and Star Trek - TNG were more grounded in reality! She sits on Michael's perking lap as he dic-tates a memo to the staff (heh), saying he's going to take some time off to mourn the loss of "my partner and best friend." Gggngh, choke! Ingrid offers to introduce Mikey to the healing powers of massage, and Michael invites her along. He adds, "I've recently come into a sum of money -- a rather large sum, in fact." Ingrid begins to nuzzle and lick Michael's neck, and he's as happy as a pig in you know what, which is also close to what we're watching here. Is this the way Michael Mancini leaves us? What a waste - he lives with impunity! Just once, I would like to have seen one of his silly schemes work to perfection, with no one ever being the wiser. That would have been the perfect way to end our time with the Great Mancini.

Over at the police station, a teary and icky-looking Alien Psycho Ash-Tossing Cheerleader Eve sits in the "tank" along with various hookers, thieves, network executives, and other lowlifes. One of them says to her, "I used to be a cheerleader." Eve replies eerily, "I always relied on the kindness of cheerleaders." Sheesh, goodbye and good riddance, Eve! According to reports, there were plans to bring back Kimberly as Eve's psychiatrist in the final episode, but Marcia Cross couldn't agree to financial terms with Spelling. C'mon, Marcia, and all you other has-beens, what were you thinking? It's not as though you're super-busy these days. You could have done one itty-bitty cameo for the bloody Melrose Place finale!

Jane calls her mom (no, not Donna Mills) and tells her about the ultrasound. It's going to be a girl! After she hangs up, Kyle walks in with an interesting piece of mail: Amanda's heart locket! There was no note with it, and Kyle tells Jane that Amanda would send it if they were going to have a daughter. But they didn't find out until after the funeral, so how could Amanda have send it? Jane, dumb to the last, says, "I'm sure there's some explanation." Kyle wanders onto the patio, looks at the ocean, and suddenly realizes the truth: "It was the Locket Fairy!"

Cut to some sort of Hawaiian island, where a lei-laden Amanda and Peter are getting married. The celebrant says, "You are now one with the elements! God help us all. I pronounce you husband and wife." When he leaves, they rejoice in the success of their plan. Amanda says, "You think Michael will keep the secret?" "He's got a million bucks in cash! The million they think burned up in that cabin." (Just an interjection, 100's and 50's are traceable, dudes). Apparently, with Michael's help, they got two freshly dead bodies from the university (which burned in the inferno) and switched the dental records. Amanda sighs peacefully about "our own island, miles away from civilization." They joke about getting bored easily so, naturally, they should have lots of kids. Lucky for Amanda, Peter says he already has the names picked out: "Billy, Alison, Matt, Jake, Jane, Kyle, and maybe a Michael." Amanda teases, "Just no Kimberly, though. Promise?" And they laugh and smile and walking into the sunset -- as Kimberly climbs out of the sand and chops their heads off with a machete! Sorry, just wishful thinking on my part. They fade out as that annoying tune "Closing Time" plays over the credits.

--written by zinc, Ellen and Ken, edited by Anthony and Stacie