Anyway, the episode begins at the beach apartment with Kelly “I'm no longer a ho” Taylor wearing a conservative gray blouse with black jacket arriving home from Matt's brother's funeral. While in New York, she also added three more tints to her hair, bringing the new total to 25. Donna, hiding her cavernous cleavage in a high-necked pink midriff-baring sleeveless pink top, jeans, and an enormously chunky brown leather belt she stole from the "Dukes of Hazzard" set, greets her, saying “Hi…I have big news.” “Oh, you do?” queries Kelly, sounding appropriately intrigued.

Backpedalling furiously, Donna asks about how Matt is and how the funeral was, ever the sweet and concerned friend. “Sad,” Kelly responds, telling Donna that they are still together, which she feels is “right for now.” Hmmm. Think they'll break up before the two hours are over? So Donna blah blah blah proposal, blah blah blah didn't think he was interested blah blah blah said she'd think about it. Then Kelly blah blah blah man of your dreams blah blah blah amused/wise look on her face. And I rumble rumble rumble reach for the ubiquitous bottle of Tums, dump them in a candy dish, and enjoy a heapin' handful of my precious mints. Kelly reaches for Donna's hand to see the ring and lets out the most incredibly blasé sounding “Wow” I have heard in my entire life.

Simultaneously, David and Dylan are down at the beach with a shovel creating a love note for Donna in the sand. Dylan tells David that he is graduating from CU the next day, and did we even know he was taking classes? I don't remember seeing him study ever or mention he had to run to class. Maybe he paid someone to write his term papers. Anyway, he credits David with his success, since David submitted Dylan's application after Dylan threw it out in disgust during one of his angstier-than-usual moments. So our favorite buffoon and head character of comic relief, Steve Sanders, shows up. “How sweet and yet so pathetic,” he says upon learning of the love note David is creating.

Okay, now call me inexperienced, but why do you need three guys to shovel a few words in the sand? Somehow I can't see it taking one able-bodied individual any more than 20 minutes to do the entire shebang by himself, but I guess it was time for a male-bonding segment. “They want you to commit, and when you do it's not enough,” whines Dylan. He suggests that David's message should be “Consider yourself lucky.” Steve suggests “Marry me; I love you,” and that David call her “Pumpkin.” Eyikes. Anyone else remember that whole Ray Pruitt and the pumpkin-smashing incident all over the beach apartment front deck? I think “Pumpkin” is better left unsaid. “Make sure you don't misspell anything,” David instructs his college-educated buds. I don't even have a comment for that.

Then we get the credits and commercials and then more credits while some band is singing some lame-o song about a new America and “marching to extinction with blinders on our eyes” and I just thank all that is holy that I remembered to fill my candy dish with my calcium-enriched 90210 mints. Then I laugh out loud as I see “'Ode to Joy' Special Appearance by Jason Priestly” and momentarily misinterpret that as an exclamation of the bliss we are about to experience at Brando's return, but then I realize that's just a segment name and I disappointedly chug my Diet Coke.

We show up at the no-longer-Walsh house, where Janet is asking her non-supportive and ever sorry for himself husband if she can bounce her ideas for Nouveau off him. Steve tries to pour milk on his cereal, but alas, Janet has used the last. She pushes her cereal toward him, cuz God knows she has more time to grab a bite than her Mr. Mom hubby who could just run to the Circle K and get another damn carton, but no…she must be selfless, and the bowl shoving ensues, ending in the shattering demise of bowl vs. ceramic tile. He whimpers, “I hate what's happening to us,” and she counters with “You hate what's happening to you,” and reminds him that staying home with their daughter is a privilege, and he fires back that she didn't want that privilege, and I hurl my lamp against the wall and feel one hell of a lot better. Mid-argument, sadsack Matt shuffles in. Janet expresses her sympathy about his brother and leaves for work. Matt sits down at the table, carefully avoiding the breakfast buffet strewn on the floor. Steve blathers on with that furrowed brow concern of his about remembering Patrick and Julianne playing with Maddie. Whatever.

Then we see Kelly at her new PR office hanging some framed something or another on the wall. Dylan saunters in, asking her if she's busy. She tells him that she has three clients and “believe(s) in every one of them.” “And that's very important to you,” he responds, while I try frantically to get my nostrils above the flood waters of metaphor. She mentions that that is important to everyone, and he says that to her it's mandatory. We get a close-up of Kelly's head with some random braid things commencing in the front and the whole ensemble wrapped up in some kind of odd twisty mess of explosiveness at the nape of her neck with poorly done highlights growing out all over the place, which makes me wonder how much time this woman has in the morning that she can a) braid little sections of her hair, b) twist it all into a ball of chaos, and c) make those little symmetrically sized tufts stick out so strangely. Maybe that's what she does while she comes up with great marketing schemes for her three clients. Dylan mentions that David is confused and can't figure out why he and Donna aren't engaged. He apparently feels that it's odd that two people so right for each other just can't get together, and all I have to say is that if he can't wait a WEEK for her to make up her mind about a very serious life-long commitment after they had just been back together for mere days, he's just a bit too instant-gratificationy to really deserve Donna, and I just can't believe that I'm defending her. Yikes. Anyway, Dylan gives Kelly a wistful look (what else is new?) and says that he doesn't understand that either, tossing another metaphor as I toss something else into my handy waste can.

Back at the beach apartment, Donna is looking romantically at the beach when David struts over. She tells him that some girl wrote “I love Don” in the sand for her boyfriend. With a puzzled look on his face, he wonders aloud that he thought he spelled it right. Okay, now that is just troublesome. He tells her that he knows that she has been dreaming forever about her perfect wedding and marriage and stuff and he thinks he might fall short. She comments that it must have taken all night to make that sign, and again, I have never created such a sign myself, but you would think that they would at least have some idea of how long it took whatever staff grunt they forced out there with a damn shovel to do the work, and I seriously doubt it was that long unless the poor sap padded his hours, which I guess is absolutely possible, which would explain the writer's ridiculous notion that this was an all-night event. They snuggle and thankfully the scene ends.

Over at The Beat, Janet's boss asks if she's ready to discuss her ideas for Nouveau. She gushes about being honored for this great opportunity just as Ava Small, a petite brunette with a V-neck fuzzy-looking black monstrosity of a top that screams “Cruella Deville” shows up. She apparently is from the New York office and is there to compete with our sweet little Janet. She complains that the title of the mag is horrible. Her sappy boss agrees, saying that the title has “no focus, no theme, no point of view” and all I have to say is both Cosmo and Time have ambiguous names that don't really seem to have a “focus…theme…point of view” and they seem to be doing okay. Jeez. Bossman walks out to the elevator and is chased by a frowny Janet who expresses her dismay at having competition. He tells her “Just have your report by the end of the week…I'll take it from there.” Now didn't he just two minutes earlier ask her to meet with him to discuss the ideas? Talk about lack of focus. Anyway, he tells her that Ava has helped with all his acquisitions, which begs the question “Where was Ava when this empty-brain-panned numbskull was in the process of acquiring The Beat?” Oops. Sorry. Thinking again.

Over at Noah's girlfriend Ellen's place, Caitlin is finally asleep, and our hero Noah -- who has had tons and tons of experience with kids apparently in some other lifetime cuz it sure wasn't on this show -- says sagely, “You know kids can be so different, but they all hate having a bedtime,” and I just wish it was my bedtime so I could avoid this whole painful scene of the worst acting in 90210 history. As if reading her lines from a cue card, Ellen tells him that although it's premature, she wants a commitment for the sake of the child who would get confused if he were to only be around for a while then leave. He does his usual smirk and toss his head number and says something stupid about being crazy about her. Now wasn't this woman the one who kept pushing him away so she could go drink at a bar or sulk about how poorly equipped she was to hold down a job? And now she feels she should be hammering out a deal with Noah? Let's just move on.

Back at the no-longer-Walsh house, Steve opens the door to Donna, who is holding Janet's dress for Kelly's wedding. “Is Janet home?” she asks, resulting in a sneer and grunt from Pity-Me Boy. Upon walking into the kitchen, she sees her real-life sibling enjoying some cereal. “Hey, you. I thought you were on a world tour with Rush!” she says to Ryan, making me think for a split second that someone on this show actually has taste in music but then I realize they mean Rush as in Sanders, not Lee, Lifeson, and Peart. Dammit. And where is the other non-Spelling brother of Steve? Anyway, Whiny Boy goes into another tirade of “Oh poor me, I have to stay at home and watch the child who I supposedly love instead of being at the office like I want to be,” and I hurl my phone at the wall and wonder how many dollars worth of damage I have done to inanimate objects in the past 10 years due to the insipidity of this show. Janet arrives and is berated for not calling to say she'd be late. Donna follows her out of the room and we get the most frightening marriage advice I have ever heard in my entire life, so scary and ominous that Nosferatu himself seems like a cuddly little sprite in comparison. Janet tells Donna that on a “good day” her marriage is “51-49 in favor,” and it's not a matter of being happy about that but accepting it, which makes her happy. "I've been reading from this great book, 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Wall Street' by Amanda Woodward." I reach eagerly into my dish of antacids and crunch furiously.

Kelly arrives home at the beach apartment to find Matt sulking on the front deck. He tells her some stupid idea he has about being his sister-in-law's baby's father, and that it's his responsibility, and I just have to say that if most people had a spouse die and a troglodyte of a brother or sister-in-law decided on his or her own to just horn in on the role of surrogate parent, there would be screaming matches and rending of hair aplenty. What a presumptuous dolt.

So David is on the beach again, probably spending four or five hours on the “N-A” needed to finish Donna's name. And we note that neither wind nor children running on the beach have marred the other letters. Donna tells him about the brilliant advice Janet shared about nothing being perfect and I have to say that being married to Steve, she truly is the expert on that. Anyway, David replies with “Mediocrity's an asset,” which pretty much sums him right up. “You're loyal, and you're honest, and any girl would be crazy not to fall in love with you blah blah blah I remember when you were a cute little freshman blah blah blah grew up together blah blah blah overcame obstacles blah blah blah,” she spews. “My love for your has never changed,” he lies, obviously forgetting the sweaty five minutes of passion and crabs he shared with Ariel in the backseat of a limo after playing keyboards for Babyface at the carnival. “I want to be totally devoted to you,” she emotes. They decide to get married and I freak most profusely at the thought of the two of them reproducing. With that horror coursing through our veins, we get a wide-angle view of the two of them kissing and hugging with “I love Donna” in the sand behind them.

Steve is lying on the floor playing with a kiddie basketball game extolling the virtues of fatherhood to his daughter Maddie who is sitting in her carseat looking as bored with him as I am. He tells her unconvincingly how taking care of her is a "privilege" because of all the great things it entails like "poopie diapers, spitups, and 5am wakeup calls" and what I want to know is which Supreme Being saw fit for this guy to reproduce in the first place. He continues his depressing soliloquy by saying, "There's more to life than strained carrots and good naps," which causes baby Maddie to look for something sharp to stab him with and put herself out of her misery. When that fails, she chirps, "Dada," causing Steve to do an about-face. He excitedly picks her up and twirls her around telling her how she's going to say "millions of words" in her lifetime and, if she's lucky, they'll all be during the course of a 10-year run on an Aaron Spelling show.

David and Donna are in bed when David wakes up to find Donna on her side staring at him watching him sleep. I think I'd scream if I awoke to that, but it doesn't seem to bother David in the least. He smiles and tells Donna about "the most amazing dream" he had in which a "beautiful girl on the beach asked [him] to marry her" and we're only half an hour into the series finale and already these two are starting to make me nauseous. Kelly calls to tell David she's just seen his profession of "I Love Donna" written in the sand and how incredibly sweet it is, causing me to reach for my Tums. David passes along the information that today is Dylan's graduation day before hanging up the phone and returning his attention to his big-eyed fiancee. They talk a little more about how lucky they are to be spending the rest of their lives together with his morning stubble and her morning breath but somehow that doesn't deter either one of them from a morning game of tonsil hockey.

In the no-longer-Walsh house, Steve rushes into his living room with a cup of coffee for his oversleeping wife who is on the sofa even though it's 7:45 a.m. Don't these people own alarm clocks? And with all the bedrooms in that house, why is she sleeping on the sofa to begin with? Janet wants to know why Steve is so "chipper" and, from the way he's behaving, my guess is that he's been smoking crack in the bathroom but he claims it's because he has a "beautiful wife, an adorable daughter that says 'Dada' and lots of cash in the bank." He starts to rattle off his itinerary for the rest of his daughter's life when Janet interrupts him and asks, "She said 'Dada'?" Sensing his wife's envy, Steve offers, "Once... or twice -- it could've been gas." Janet demands to know who this creature is and what he's done with her husband and my hopes of aliens and pod people being in this show are once again dashed as Steve admits how unsupportive he was being and how truly lucky he is. Janet's jealousy becomes even more apparent as she begrudgingly gets ready for work.

Kelly stops by Dylan's hotel room to help him tie his tie and ask if she can attend his graduation. Since her hair was straight when she talked to David, she obviously stopped off for an important hair-curling along the way. (Current tint count: 27.) Naturally, Mr. Brooding tells her she can't because it's "a private event" so I'm wondering exactly what kind of school he attended in the first place -- Mario's Hitman Academy? I bet they have classes like "Broken Kneecaps 101." Anyway, Kelly asks if she can at least take him out to dinner to celebrate, and Dylan gladly accepts. Kelly tells him how proud she is of him for being able to "see something all the way through," even if it did take 10 years for him to do it. Somehow that's supposed to be a compliment or else Dylan is just too dumb to take notice.

Janet gets to work to find Ms. Snippy perched on the desk of Mr. Boss Man chattering away about all her new ideas. Janet points out that their reports aren't due until Friday, so Ava makes a hasty departure while her boss tells her not to be so sensitive. Janet's phone rings, thus saving us from anymore of this inane conversation, and it turns out to be Steve calling. He tells her to check her e-mail and when she does a big PERFECTLY POSED snapshot of Steve, Maddie, and Uncle Ryan comes up on the screen. Must be nice to have a T1 connection. Steve excitedly tells his wife about their day at the amusement park before hurrying off the phone. A depressed Janet slowly hangs up the phone while staring zombie-like at the computer monitor. All I can think of is "Maddie Has Two Daddies."

Kelly meets Matt on the pier for their planned lunch, but first Matt wants to walk. They talk about his pregnant sister-in-law and how she shouldn't be alone and decide to make arrangements for a New York restaurant to deliver her dinner a few times a week. Kelly admiringly remarks about how Matt "takes care of everything," but he humbly says he's just trying to be the "best uncle he can be." Then, for whatever bizarre reason, he tells his fiancee, "If it were up to me, I'd be the father ... but because of us ... I can't do that." Kelly insists she can't let him do that and needs some time alone to think. Matt agrees, but not before telling her the unappetizing things he brought her for lunch: an avacado and bean sprout sandwich and "that eggless potato salad you love so much." Blech! What's for dessert -- dirt-flavored Jello?

David fumbles with his pants as he runs for the door to greet the pizza delivery guy. He hands him a bill and tells him, "Keep the change." Immediately, the pizza guy informs him, "This is a 50," so right away we know this must be a dream sequence since NO pizza delivery person would be honest enough to point out such an oversight. David, however, doesn't seem to care as he closes the door and quickly returns to the bedroom where Donna is STILL lying naked in bed. They talk about how Donna shouldn't change her name because, as David explains it, it wouldn't be right for the person making Donna Martin Designs to be named Donna Silver. Why that's a problem I have no idea -- I mean, children work in sweat shops for Kathie Lee Gifford and SHE doesn't seem to have a problem with it, but what do I know.

The conversation switches to children and Donna says she wants two children and she wants both of them to look like David. Judging from this conversation, it's apparent they got lots and lots of extra cheese on that pizza. Donna romantically wishes they could "rewind the last 3 years," but David disagrees since the last 3 years brought them to this exact place and now I'm clutching my bottle of Tums as I cry out, "Dear God, please make it stop!" David then tells her he already sees them having a problem as he wants their children to look like Donna and didn't either one of these people take Biology in school? They agree on a "50/50 compromise" regarding their childrens' looks. What's that mean -- half plastic surgery, half natural? Then they toss their half-eaten $50 pizza slices into the box as they engage in some pizza-breath nookie.

Kelly shows up at Dylan's room all dressed up for dinner, but it's obvious she's upset. She rushes into his room telling him, "We have a problem... Matt is incredibly thoughtful, wouldn't lie to me, and would do anything for me." That's a problem? I'd love to see what his good points are. She continues that Dylan isn't thoughtful, she can't trust him, and he wouldn't do anything for her. Dylan tells her that's not true and begs her in his oh-so-brooding Dylan way to "give [him] a chance." Kelly is reluctant because she fears he'll let her down again, but with little more than an hour left in their time together, I don't foresee that happening. Then again, this *is* an Aaron Spelling show, so anything is possible. Kelly picks up Dylan's degree which, ironically, is in Humanities. As she stands looking at it, Dylan comes up behind her and breathily whispers, "Kelly, I will never let you down. [Pause] Wow, I almost convinced myself!"

The following morning finds Kelly and Dylan still in the same clothes sitting outside somewhere while Kelly finishes a conversation with Matt -- Mr. "Whose Sperm Is It Anyway?" -- on her cell phone. After hanging up, she turns to Dylan and tells him, "I'm going directly to Hell." Apparently staying up all night talking to your ex-boyfriend is a venial sin in her world. She tells Dylan how Matt is "the most decent person I know," but Dylan counters that that's no reason to marry him. That's true. Infidelity, abuse, and dishonesty are a much better basis for marriage, especially on an Aaron Spelling show. Kelly tells Dylan, "All I want is a little peace," which I'm guessing is precisely what Dylan is thinking. He tells Kelly to call him after she talks to Matt and, holding her, reassures her that all will be well in Happy Land just because he says so and he's the Special Guest Star so whatever he says, goes.

Kelly and her streaky hair go to see Matt in his office to deliver the bad news by telling him she thinks he should father Julianne's child. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I thought Julianne was already pregnant. Chalk up another failure for the Beverly Hills Biology classes. Matt asks, "What about us?" to which a teary-eyed Kelly apologizes and tells him she can't marry him. Matt insists she's "not backing out," but when Kelly tells him he "deserves better," he gets angry and blames everything on Dylan. Matt then confesses his desert-tryst with Amy, obviously under the impression that Dylan has already enlightened Kelly to this fact. D'oh! When he realizes his error, he tries to put it back on Kelly by asking if she, in her own way, hasn't been just as unfaithful. Kelly can't argue that point and tells him that's "why I know breaking up is the right thing to do." With that, she removes her engagement ring, places it on the desk, and walks out.

Ellen returns home to find Noah covered in chalk and her daughter Caitlin nowhere near ready for happy bathtime. Caitlin excitedly overacts her two lines and if she was the best out of all the kids who auditioned, I'd hate to see the ones who she beat out for the part. She makes the "Joy of Cola" Pepsi girl look like Meryl Streep. She prattles on in her skreechy voice about how Noah turned her bedroom into a rocketship, then she runs into her room and, thankfully, out of this scene. Ellen is moved to fake tears over how bad her daughter's acting is and how much Caitlin likes Noah, but he quickly brings her back down to earth by telling her he can't commit right now. He asks if they can just slow things down, but when Skreechy summons her mother from her rocketship, Ellen tells him, "…but we can't" and walks away.

Hey look -- it's a crashing surf at nighttime. For a split second, I thought we'd been transported back to the infamous Melrose Place beach house. (Kimberly, wherefore art thou?) Kelly is leaning over the railing outside her apartment when Dylan walks up. Streaky Hair immediately attacks Brooding Boy for not telling her that Matt slept with Amy. [Current tint count: 35.] Dylan calmly replies that it was "none of [his] business." Kelly insists he should have told her so she could've broken off her engagement a long time ago instead of having to waste time during the series finale to do it. Again, Dylan calmly points out that the two of them would have most likely ended up together but only because Kelly was mad at Matt. Kelly will not listen to this reason and cries, "I thought we were friends!" Dylan, who has about as many facial expressions as Andrew Shue did on Melrose Place, tells her, "When you get distance on this, you'll see I acted like one" and leaves.

We're back at the Peach Pit, in what could be its final scene before they auction off all the set chairs and jukeboxes to charity. David, Steve, and Dylan review the composition of the wedding party. They won't be hiring anyone new -- same old assortment from hell. Poor Matt will be the odd man out since he'll have no partner. Poo pooh!! Guys named Matt never get lucky on Spelling shows!

The guys chide Dylan about being the last one to get hitched, but Cool Guy reverts the conversation away from himself, as always. Steve leaves to run wussy married-guy errands, which leaves Dylan and David. Dave thanks Dylan for being the best man (in title only, of course). Hey, Dyl's the guy Dave's alienated the LEAST, I guess. He also asks Dylan if he'd say a few words at the ceremony. Apparently Robert Frost wasn't available. Dylan suavely agrees, griping that he has to write his own material.

Back at Kelly's Beach Promenade, the girls -- she, mom, 'n' Kelly -- are discussing their end of the wedding plans. Typical girl arrangements, such as ice sculptures, rose petals, sugar cubes. Where is this happening, Alaska?? They outline the stuff they don't have yet -- besides brains. One such item is apparently a "wedding dress." But alas, Donna surprises them!! She has herself a dress already in storage unbeknownst to the rest of them. I hope it's one of those half-breast-showing, butt-clinging things we see her in when the National Enquirer snaps her pic. Mom jests, "Are you pregnant or something?" Relax, Kelly, it's a joke! Then Mrs. Martin, in a lapse of tact, asks Kelly if she can borrow her wedding folder since she won't be needing it anymore. OOOOOOhhhhhhh -- dis!! Cut this scene, please...

...to the After Dark, with Noah, Donna, and Nat. Sing a swan song for this place, too. Noah proudly announces that he has struck a deal for the wedding liquor, and that he'd be glad to foot the bill. I'd suspect some shenanigans, but it's too close to the end here. So Donna thanks him. How tragic would this finale be if his liquor was some of that Reverend Jim Jones Kool-Aid, huh?? Dream on... Donna remarks that Ellen has not RSVP'd to her wedding invitation. Noah tells her it isn't happening, and proceeds to nutshell their breakup to Donna. Ho hum... Dave walks in wearing his lumberjack bright green plaid. He and Noah head out, leaving Donna with Nat. Guess we know nothing sexual is gonna happen here. Donna does ask Nat if she can make a request. Stop dying your hair, Nat? No. Rather, Donna poignantly tells him that the only thing missing from her life (besides any talent and skill) is a father figure. She would like Nat -- not Aaron Spelling -- to walk her down the aisle since he is the closest person to a father she's had. Nat agrees and they hug...

Steve be-bops into Janet's office, carrying some folder with tripe about 1,000 Celebrity Rapsheets for her articles. She has handed in the BIG PROPOSAL, and is waiting to hear if she makes the cut. Just in time, the boss walks in and congratulates her as the new editor of Nouveau. The chick from New York is out the door. Can you see the future TV-movie: "90210: The Sequel -- Ava's Revenge"? Me neither. Now Janet is only "semi-joyed," while Steve hugs her and raves. Unfortunately, all she can think about, however, is the vast time she'll have to spend in this position implementing the ideas she has merely put on paper. "My own daughter barely knows me," she piddles. Well, who the heck was screaming to have a kid back in Season 8, honey?? "This is what you wanted," says Steve rightfully.

Back in Donna's trap. She and Dave enter, going over yeas and nays on the invitations. Sorry, Valerie WILL be there. But Brandon has declined. You mean, we won't see him tonight?? Criminy! No Gina either -- good riddance, I say. And, again, no mention of Brenda! Whazzup? Soon, we'll be hearing that Brandon was an only child! Donna starts pouting with little doubts about the wedding. Trouble in paradise? It appears Ditzy wants to be a spring bride at all costs, and that means rushing things a wee bit. Donna agrees to live with their absences and moves on. Looking over their wedding task list, everyone is doing their job, so they relax and kiss.

Ocean waves pound the beach as Steve delivers to Kelly on her porch the obligatory speech that had to come at some point during the evening. You know, about how they all managed to stay friends for all those years despite all the hurdles they have overcome. It's called honor, jerky! The rest of us regular people who don't have good looks, fancy cars, and babes at every turn manage to stay faithful in life, thus so can you! He wonders if there is some "Steven King storyline evil scheme" planned for them in the end. Not a bad idea. Give me a rewrite! But they get back to the seating chart, and Kelly wonders where Matt will sit. Steve regretfully informs her that Matt will not be coming. He's decided to depart for New York. Kelly feels sickened. In walks Dylan and I feel sickened. Steve has to leave to tend to his wife. Wuss! Dylan immediately snuggles over to Kelly. As soon as she says, "I know you're in a tough position," referring to his life situation, he is standing behind her, lightly grabbing her hair close to his crotch area. Let the mind wander. He just drivels on about how sexy she looks. Kelly talks about breaking her engagement being difficult. Dylan improves his verbiage by mustering up FOUR-word answers this time, such as "It'll be OK", "Duh," etcetera. Fade away.

Now here's an odd one. Steve walking the missus through some semi-abandoned building leased from the "Homicide" set. He reminds her about what she said about spending more time with the baby. So what are they gonna do, hire a crack whore to clean their house? No. Steve laments that she has too much work and he has too little, so they need some BALANCE. What better time for a Balance bar commercial? Promptly, he opens the door to an apartment and leads her in. He claims this is balance, and by God is it grungy!! Kinda looks like the factory Bart bought for $1 on the Simpsons a few seasons ago. But then Steve reveals his plan. He sits on one side of the room and she on the other, both working -- with the baby in her crib in the middle. It'll be their OWN publishing venture. That's right, stab the current employers in the back. That baby'll look and sound great when the clients start rolling in as well. After Janet consigns herself to take this little risk, the now-happy couple hug.

The bachelorette party has begun. Lame strikes one and two as soon as we see the girls' old HS teacher "Mrs. T" and Andrea. Mrs. T looks plump as hell, while Andrea is appearing mighty fine in this fellow's opinion. Mrs. Martin sets up 'em for a game called "Toilet Paper Bride." Men play that one, too, but it's a lot different, I think. Andrea brings over a mysterious videotape. Didn't know you 'rette partyers did that, too.... My God, it's Brandon Walsh on video. What is he doing to that girl? Only kidding, it's just Brandon congratulating Donna via satellite. Nothing exciting here. Kelly belches out some drivel about him "still being disgustingly cute." Whatever, nice cameo. Andrea whips out the old popcorn and ice cream for everybody. The girls reminisce about Brenda's slumber party from Season 2, the one with the "truth or dare" game with the mean friend of Kelly's, in which Andrea established herself as "a contender." Meanwhile, the toilet paper gals are wrapping themselves up in the stuff. I would rather it were "Naked Toilet Paper Bride" at least. And just as things begin to get dull, here's the stripper. No, it is just Valerie, and she has clothes... She hugs Donna hello, and hands her a tasteful shower gift of a box of flavored condoms.

The bachelor party at the old Walsh house looks a wee bit more exciting! Immediately cut to Noah pouring three bottles of liquor down the throat of "The Fat Guy Who Used to Be Steve's Frat Buddy." He is now actually the "Fat BALD Frat Buddy." Dylan heads over to the VCR to provide the entertainment for the evening. Drum roll, please, as he hits PLAY. Yep, it is Brandon again. No "Deep Throat," just "Deep Thoughts" about Dave's longtime chase of Donna and how much he misses the guys. Dave's Dad is in the background, just absorbing all this, getting no lines in the script. Steve then decides to change course and read a poem called "Ode to Silver," in which he sonnetizes all of David's female exploits into three stanzas, culminating in a tribute to Donna. I think we can publish this one on the website somewhere, folks. [Editor's Note: Done!]

Back at the bachelorette party, the girls discover they have no cake, which is good, so they can get drunk faster. Since most are already there, Valerie sees fit to liven it all up. She offers Donna ("not the most experienced filly in the stable") some sex advice in the form of a poster. She unrolls it, revealing a male model with David's face superimposed and a bulls-eye target over the "package" area. All the girls and old biddies get quite a chuckle. Will we pin the something on something, I wonder? Val spins Donna and hands her a suction dart gun. Donna misses, perhaps prophetically getting "David" in the heart. "Practice shot," indeed. A little sidebar develops in which Kelly tells Janet about how Steve was her first love. The normally uptight Janet is now drunk, so she reacts with reminiscent pleasure. Then they compare notes on Steve's pre-sexual "growl" behavior, and escalate themselves to hilarity. Janet jokingly stands up and asks if there is anyone in the room who HASN'T slept with Steve. Many raise their hands except for Mrs. T, too busy stuffing the face, upon whom they proceed to rake. On to Mrs. Martin with the suction dart gun … BING!! Right in Dave's thing that rhymes with kisser. Admit it, didn't it strike you as just a little odd to see her taking aim at her future son-in-law's privates?

The useless Randy Spelling character guy -- whomever he plays -- walks into the old Walsh house with the evening entertainment for the bachelor party. Steve is mighty greatful. It's a bridally dressed stripper named Kiki Dupree, whose claim to fame for eternity to the grandkids will be appearing on this finale. Kiki begins her act, shaking the goods around. She works the crowd quick and reaches David. Mounting David, Kiki asks what his bride's name is. "Duh, Donna" he responds. "Is she as pretty as me?" asks Kiki. With that, Ryan reaches over and grabs the veil off her head, revealing she to be a HE! Whoooah, the Crying Game! The men roll in hilarity. David is not disgusted, for some reason. Hmm.... That was almost as good as the "Sixth Sense" secret! By the way Kiki looks like the gay guy from "Will and Grace." Yeah, sure, all you guys knew -- riiiight!

Then we jump to the wedding….

The Pepto-Bismol IV I put in during the bachelor/bachelorette parties has soothed my rumbling stomach somewhat, so cautiously I take it out. We return from commercial break and find ourselves at the church. Donna, in a bathrobe, is expressing doubts that she will be able to remember her vows and feels that she "can't go through with this." Kelly and Janet, in their lavender bridesmaids' dresses, reassure her. I myself am reassured that Kelly finally seems to have washed her hair. "Keep the sobs to a minimum," Kelly advises. "You're too pretty for tears. And no wire hangers!" Donna's mother enters carrying a small round box that looks a lot like something a former roommate of mine used to keep pot in, but it turns out to be a small candle, which Donna's mother thinks they should light in memory of Donna's father, who couldn't be there because of him being dead and all. "I feel like he's here watching over me," Donna admits. "Of course he's here," her mother replies. "He's executive producer!" They hug.

Meanwhile, at Casa Ex-Walsh, Dylan and a pantsless Steve are trying to help David get dressed for the wedding. Considering the relative intricacy of mens' and womens' wedding attire, I'm surprised that help is needed at all, but then I remember that this is David. In walks Valerie, bosoms-a-flying, to save the day and put on David's cufflinks. Amidst LOTS of innuendo, she tells them that her life in Buffalo is really good and that she has a good relationship with her mother and a good job and a new boyfriend. (Just one?) Valerie then proceeds to sleep with Dylan, Steve, and David for old times' sake.

Ding-dong, the church bells are ringing and the church is full of people evenly spaced in the pews. Steve escorts Donna's mother to her pew and then he and Dylan and David take their places at the front of the church. A priest and rabbi walk out, a flower girl scatters rose petals everywhere, and here come the bridesmaids with their tiny facial features. Big-faced Donna enters on Nat's arm and looks startlingly masculine considering she's wearing a strapless gown and big poofy veil. Everyone stares beatifically as she and Nat make their way down the aisle. David's eyes, which have been red throughout the entire show, continue to puff up.

The ceremony begins. I get all excited because I immediately recognize the rabbi as someone who once appeared on "L.A. Law" as a guy with Tourette's Syndrome, but unfortunately he does not punctuate his speech with obscenities this time around. He talks about how David and Donna have chosen each other as their "life mates," which makes me think of "Nurse Mates" shoes that nurses wear, and I wonder if this means that David and Donna are pledging to wear ugly but comfortable shoes 'til death do they part. Dylan and Kelly take turns reading passages about true love and what makes a good marriage. During this part, Matt skulks into the back of the church. After watching Dylan and Kelly sneak furtive glances at each other during the especially meaningful parts of their readings, he becomes depressed and leaves. Valerie runs after him to have sex.

When the priest announces that Donna and David have written their own vows, I immediately plug the IV back in and brace myself. I am not disappointed. David, who by now appears to have a roaring case of pink eye, says that he can't remember a time when he wasn't in love with Donna, except for those times when he was sleeping with other women, and blah blah blah. I frankly can't remember how the rest of his vows go because I'm so stunned by what Donna says next. Crying, Donna blathers on about how David's energy and passion inspire her in numerous ways (just like they've "inspired" countless other women before now) and how being with him makes her "no longer fear being [herself]" and how he gives her purpose and without him her soul is empty and her heart is broken and she is incomplete. "Thank you for loving me," she finishes, and I am so utterly depressed by Donna's obvious lack of self-esteem that I am crying, too.

The rabbi and priest respectively ask David and Donna to repeat the vows. It's the standard routine: loving and faithful, in plenty and in want, joy and sorrow, sickness and health, as long as we both shall live, yada yada yada. It goes something like this:

"I, David, take you, Donna, to be my wife. I promise to give you multiple orgasms every night and to keep it in my pants when other women are around. I will love you when you inherit your father's money and also, though less so, if we live in a house without an Olympic-sized swimming pool. I will love you not only when someone buys you a Golden Globe but also when people point out your lack of talent and beauty. Through plastic surgery and recuperation, I will stay with you as long as we're in syndication somewhere."

"I, Donna, take you, David, to be my husband. I promise to give it up whenever you ask and not get distracted by male models or my brother, who is actually playing Steve's brother on the show, but you know what I mean. I will love you when you're bigger than Babyface or Howard Stern and also when you're sitting around unemployed in your underwear watching "Ricki Lake." I will love you when you finally grow a real beard and when you start getting bald. As long as you throw away the bottle of eye drops after your pink eye clears up, I will love you as long as you will have me, because I'm obviously so unworthy of your love."

There's a close-up of the ring exchange. Donna's ring is way too big for her finger. The rabbi (who has a surprisingly large part in the ceremony considering that Donna's mother is so very Catholic) speaks for the priest in pronouncing Donna and David husband and wife. Donna and David kiss, everyone cheers, and Valerie runs up to have sex with the priest and rabbi.

After the commercial, we are whisked off to the reception at the Hilton, where everyone's clinking their glasses to get the happy couple to kiss. Now it's time for the first dance. Instead of the hoped-for "Kung Fu Fighting," we get Eric Benet and Tamia singing. Powerful song. Donna grabs David's butt, and from where I'm sitting, it looks like Kelly grabs Dylan's yoo-hoo under the table. Valerie comes up. "Matt's in the lobby, and he wants to talk to you," she says to Kelly. "By the way, I just slept with him." Kelly leaves, and Valerie sleeps with Dylan. Out in the lobby, Matt is standing by a gift table piled so high that it looks like Mount Everest. Matt confuses everyone by first telling Kelly that he feels they gave up on each other too quickly, then by laying a guilt trip on her, and finally by telling her that he saw her and Dylan giving their readings at the church and no longer feels that their connection is "unhealthy" because he saw how much they enjoyed talking about breath and smiles and stuff. "You made the right choice," Matt says, and Kelly looks bewildered but relieved as they hug and say goodbye. What a load of baloney! No guy would EVER admit that!

Valerie has by now slept with Nat, Noah, David's father, Steve's little brother, the wedding photographer, Eric Benet, all the waiters, and Steve's gross fraternity brother. Everyone is dancing and getting loaded. Noah dances with Donna and tells her that he's not going to move away for the sailing race and is instead going to stick around and give things a try with Ellen. Donna suggests that he go over to Ellen's place right then to tell her so that there will be one fewer ex among the guests. Valerie has sex with him on his way out. Kelly and Dylan gaze at each other across the crowded dance floor. Andrea is wearing yet another shawl, which makes me wonder what's wrong with her arms. The photographer wanders around taking pictures in between having sex with Valerie. Donna and David cut the cake and feed bits of it to each other. I barf. Kelly gives a mushy toast about how she initially wasn't that thrilled about having David as a stepbrother, but now he has turned her best friend into her sister. Kelly and Donna kiss.

Not surprisingly, Kelly catches the bouquet. More photo ops with Kelly, Dylan, Donna, David, Steve, and Janet. Donna gets mushy and drinks a toast to everyone, and I'm amazed that any of them can still stand considering all the booze they've put away. Say, isn't Dylan a recovering alcoholic? Dylan asks Kelly to dance, and finally she accepts, and they kiss. The band plays a half-hearted rendition of "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang as the camera circles slowly around the 90210 gang in the middle of the crowd. We get to marvel at Donna's oddly shaped breasts and the fact that no one, not even David "Funky Fresh Def Super Fly" Silver, is dancing in rhythm. As our pals hug, we fade to black one last time.

--written by zinc, Stacie, Anthony and Ellen, edited by Ken