Anyway, the episode begins at the beach apartment with Kelly “I'm no longer a ho” Taylor wearing a conservative gray blouse with black jacket arriving home from Matt's brother's funeral. While in New York, she also added three more tints to her hair, bringing the new total to 25. Donna, hiding her cavernous cleavage in a high-necked pink midriff-baring sleeveless pink top, jeans, and an enormously chunky brown leather belt she stole from the "Dukes of Hazzard" set, greets her, saying “Hi…I have big news.” “Oh, you do?” queries Kelly, sounding appropriately intrigued.

Backpedalling furiously, Donna asks about how Matt is and how the funeral was, ever the sweet and concerned friend. “Sad,” Kelly responds, telling Donna that they are still together, which she feels is “right for now.” Hmmm. Think they'll break up before the two hours are over? So Donna blah blah blah proposal, blah blah blah didn't think he was interested blah blah blah said she'd think about it. Then Kelly blah blah blah man of your dreams blah blah blah amused/wise look on her face. And I rumble rumble rumble reach for the ubiquitous bottle of Tums, dump them in a candy dish, and enjoy a heapin' handful of my precious mints. Kelly reaches for Donna's hand to see the ring and lets out the most incredibly blasé sounding “Wow” I have heard in my entire life.

Simultaneously, David and Dylan are down at the beach with a shovel creating a love note for Donna in the sand. Dylan tells David that he is graduating from CU the next day, and did we even know he was taking classes? I don't remember seeing him study ever or mention he had to run to class. Maybe he paid someone to write his term papers. Anyway, he credits David with his success, since David submitted Dylan's application after Dylan threw it out in disgust during one of his angstier-than-usual moments. So our favorite buffoon and head character of comic relief, Steve Sanders, shows up. “How sweet and yet so pathetic,” he says upon learning of the love note David is creating.

Okay, now call me inexperienced, but why do you need three guys to shovel a few words in the sand? Somehow I can't see it taking one able-bodied individual any more than 20 minutes to do the entire shebang by himself, but I guess it was time for a male-bonding segment. “They want you to commit, and when you do it's not enough,” whines Dylan. He suggests that David's message should be “Consider yourself lucky.” Steve suggests “Marry me; I love you,” and that David call her “Pumpkin.” Eyikes. Anyone else remember that whole Ray Pruitt and the pumpkin-smashing incident all over the beach apartment front deck? I think “Pumpkin” is better left unsaid. “Make sure you don't misspell anything,” David instructs his college-educated buds. I don't even have a comment for that.

Then we get the credits and commercials and then more credits while some band is singing some lame-o song about a new America and “marching to extinction with blinders on our eyes” and I just thank all that is holy that I remembered to fill my candy dish with my calcium-enriched 90210 mints. Then I laugh out loud as I see “'Ode to Joy' Special Appearance by Jason Priestly” and momentarily misinterpret that as an exclamation of the bliss we are about to experience at Brando's return, but then I realize that's just a segment name and I disappointedly chug my Diet Coke.

We show up at the no-longer-Walsh house, where Janet is asking her non-supportive and ever sorry for himself husband if she can bounce her ideas for Nouveau off him. Steve tries to pour milk on his cereal, but alas, Janet has used the last. She pushes her cereal toward him, cuz God knows she has more time to grab a bite than her Mr. Mom hubby who could just run to the Circle K and get another damn carton, but no…she must be selfless, and the bowl shoving ensues, ending in the shattering demise of bowl vs. ceramic tile. He whimpers, “I hate what's happening to us,” and she counters with “You hate what's happening to you,” and reminds him that staying home with their daughter is a privilege, and he fires back that she didn't want that privilege, and I hurl my lamp against the wall and feel one hell of a lot better. Mid-argument, sadsack Matt shuffles in. Janet expresses her sympathy about his brother and leaves for work. Matt sits down at the table, carefully avoiding the breakfast buffet strewn on the floor. Steve blathers on with that furrowed brow concern of his about remembering Patrick and Julianne playing with Maddie. Whatever.

Then we see Kelly at her new PR office hanging some framed something or another on the wall. Dylan saunters in, asking her if she's busy. She tells him that she has three clients and “believe(s) in every one of them.” “And that's very important to you,” he responds, while I try frantically to get my nostrils above the flood waters of metaphor. She mentions that that is important to everyone, and he says that to her it's mandatory. We get a close-up of Kelly's head with some random braid things commencing in the front and the whole ensemble wrapped up in some kind of odd twisty mess of explosiveness at the nape of her neck with poorly done highlights growing out all over the place, which makes me wonder how much time this woman has in the morning that she can a) braid little sections of her hair, b) twist it all into a ball of chaos, and c) make those little symmetrically sized tufts stick out so strangely. Maybe that's what she does while she comes up with great marketing schemes for her three clients. Dylan mentions that David is confused and can't figure out why he and Donna aren't engaged. He apparently feels that it's odd that two people so right for each other just can't get together, and all I have to say is that if he can't wait a WEEK for her to make up her mind about a very serious life-long commitment after they had just been back together for mere days, he's just a bit too instant-gratificationy to really deserve Donna, and I just can't believe that I'm defending her. Yikes. Anyway, Dylan gives Kelly a wistful look (what else is new?) and says that he doesn't understand that either, tossing another metaphor as I toss something else into my handy waste can.

Back at the beach apartment, Donna is looking romantically at the beach when David struts over. She tells him that some girl wrote “I love Don” in the sand for her boyfriend. With a puzzled look on his face, he wonders aloud that he thought he spelled it right. Okay, now that is just troublesome. He tells her that he knows that she has been dreaming forever about her perfect wedding and marriage and stuff and he thinks he might fall short. She comments that it must have taken all night to make that sign, and again, I have never created such a sign myself, but you would think that they would at least have some idea of how long it took whatever staff grunt they forced out there with a damn shovel to do the work, and I seriously doubt it was that long unless the poor sap padded his hours, which I guess is absolutely possible, which would explain the writer's ridiculous notion that this was an all-night event. They snuggle and thankfully the scene ends.

Over at The Beat, Janet's boss asks if she's ready to discuss her ideas for Nouveau. She gushes about being honored for this great opportunity just as Ava Small, a petite brunette with a V-neck fuzzy-looking black monstrosity of a top that screams “Cruella Deville” shows up. She apparently is from the New York office and is there to compete with our sweet little Janet. She complains that the title of the mag is horrible. Her sappy boss agrees, saying that the title has “no focus, no theme, no point of view” and all I have to say is both Cosmo and Time have ambiguous names that don't really seem to have a “focus…theme…point of view” and they seem to be doing okay. Jeez. Bossman walks out to the elevator and is chased by a frowny Janet who expresses her dismay at having competition. He tells her “Just have your report by the end of the week…I'll take it from there.” Now didn't he just two minutes earlier ask her to meet with him to discuss the ideas? Talk about lack of focus. Anyway, he tells her that Ava has helped with all his acquisitions, which begs the question “Where was Ava when this empty-brain-panned numbskull was in the process of acquiring The Beat?” Oops. Sorry. Thinking again.

Over at Noah's girlfriend Ellen's place, Caitlin is finally asleep, and our hero Noah -- who has had tons and tons of experience with kids apparently in some other lifetime cuz it sure wasn't on this show -- says sagely, “You know kids can be so different, but they all hate having a bedtime,” and I just wish it was my bedtime so I could avoid this whole painful scene of the worst acting in 90210 history. As if reading her lines from a cue card, Ellen tells him that although it's premature, she wants a commitment for the sake of the child who would get confused if he were to only be around for a while then leave. He does his usual smirk and toss his head number and says something stupid about being crazy about her. Now wasn't this woman the one who kept pushing him away so she could go drink at a bar or sulk about how poorly equipped she was to hold down a job? And now she feels she should be hammering out a deal with Noah? Let's just move on.

Back at the no-longer-Walsh house, Steve opens the door to Donna, who is holding Janet's dress for Kelly's wedding. “Is Janet home?” she asks, resulting in a sneer and grunt from Pity-Me Boy. Upon walking into the kitchen, she sees her real-life sibling enjoying some cereal. “Hey, you. I thought you were on a world tour with Rush!” she says to Ryan, making me think for a split second that someone on this show actually has taste in music but then I realize they mean Rush as in Sanders, not Lee, Lifeson, and Peart. Dammit. And where is the other non-Spelling brother of Steve? Anyway, Whiny Boy goes into another tirade of “Oh poor me, I have to stay at home and watch the child who I supposedly love instead of being at the office like I want to be,” and I hurl my phone at the wall and wonder how many dollars worth of damage I have done to inanimate objects in the past 10 years due to the insipidity of this show. Janet arrives and is berated for not calling to say she'd be late. Donna follows her out of the room and we get the most frightening marriage advice I have ever heard in my entire life, so scary and ominous that Nosferatu himself seems like a cuddly little sprite in comparison. Janet tells Donna that on a “good day” her marriage is “51-49 in favor,” and it's not a matter of being happy about that but accepting it, which makes her happy. "I've been reading from this great book, 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Wall Street' by Amanda Woodward." I reach eagerly into my dish of antacids and crunch furiously.

Kelly arrives home at the beach apartment to find Matt sulking on the front deck. He tells her some stupid idea he has about being his sister-in-law's baby's father, and that it's his responsibility, and I just have to say that if most people had a spouse die and a troglodyte of a brother or sister-in-law decided on his or her own to just horn in on the role of surrogate parent, there would be screaming matches and rending of hair aplenty. What a presumptuous dolt.

So David is on the beach again, probably spending four or five hours on the “N-A” needed to finish Donna's name. And we note that neither wind nor children running on the beach have marred the other letters. Donna tells him about the brilliant advice Janet shared about nothing being perfect and I have to say that being married to Steve, she truly is the expert on that. Anyway, David replies with “Mediocrity's an asset,” which pretty much sums him right up. “You're loyal, and you're honest, and any girl would be crazy not to fall in love with you blah blah blah I remember when you were a cute little freshman blah blah blah grew up together blah blah blah overcame obstacles blah blah blah,” she spews. “My love for your has never changed,” he lies, obviously forgetting the sweaty five minutes of passion and crabs he shared with Ariel in the backseat of a limo after playing keyboards for Babyface at the carnival. “I want to be totally devoted to you,” she emotes. They decide to get married and I freak most profusely at the thought of the two of them reproducing. With that horror coursing through our veins, we get a wide-angle view of the two of them kissing and hugging with “I love Donna” in the sand behind them.

Steve is lying on the floor playing with a kiddie basketball game extolling the virtues of fatherhood to his daughter Maddie who is sitting in her carseat looking as bored with him as I am. He tells her unconvincingly how taking care of her is a "privilege" because of all the great things it entails like "poopie diapers, spitups, and 5am wakeup calls" and what I want to know is which Supreme Being saw fit for this guy to reproduce in the first place. He continues his depressing soliloquy by saying, "There's more to life than strained carrots and good naps," which causes baby Maddie to look for something sharp to stab him with and put herself out of her misery. When that fails, she chirps, "Dada," causing Steve to do an about-face. He excitedly picks her up and twirls her around telling her how she's going to say "millions of words" in her lifetime and, if she's lucky, they'll all be during the course of a 10-year run on an Aaron Spelling show.

David and Donna are in bed when David wakes up to find Donna on her side staring at him watching him sleep. I think I'd scream if I awoke to that, but it doesn't seem to bother David in the least. He smiles and tells Donna about "the most amazing dream" he had in which a "beautiful girl on the beach asked [him] to marry her" and we're only half an hour into the series finale and already these two are starting to make me nauseous. Kelly calls to tell David she's just seen his profession of "I Love Donna" written in the sand and how incredibly sweet it is, causing me to reach for my Tums. David passes along the information that today is Dylan's graduation day before hanging up the phone and returning his attention to his big-eyed fiancee. They talk a little more about how lucky they are to be spending the rest of their lives together with his morning stubble and her morning breath but somehow that doesn't deter either one of them from a morning game of tonsil hockey.

In the no-longer-Walsh house, Steve rushes into his living room with a cup of coffee for his oversleeping wife who is on the sofa even though it's 7:45 a.m. Don't these people own alarm clocks? And with all the bedrooms in that house, why is she sleeping on the sofa to begin with? Janet wants to know why Steve is so "chipper" and, from the way he's behaving, my guess is that he's been smoking crack in the bathroom but he claims it's because he has a "beautiful wife, an adorable daughter that says 'Dada' and lots of cash in the bank." He starts to rattle off his itinerary for the rest of his daughter's life when Janet interrupts him and asks, "She said 'Dada'?" Sensing his wife's envy, Steve offers, "Once... or twice -- it could've been gas." Janet demands to know who this creature is and what he's done with her husband and my hopes of aliens and pod people being in this show are once again dashed as Steve admits how unsupportive he was being and how truly lucky he is. Janet's jealousy becomes even more apparent as she begrudgingly gets ready for work.

Kelly stops by Dylan's hotel room to help him tie his tie and ask if she can attend his graduation. Since her hair was straight when she talked to David, she obviously stopped off for an important hair-curling along the way. (Current tint count: 27.) Naturally, Mr. Brooding tells her she can't because it's "a private event" so I'm wondering exactly what kind of school he attended in the first place -- Mario's Hitman Academy? I bet they have classes like "Broken Kneecaps 101." Anyway, Kelly asks if she can at least take him out to dinner to celebrate, and Dylan gladly accepts. Kelly tells him how proud she is of him for being able to "see something all the way through," even if it did take 10 years for him to do it. Somehow that's supposed to be a compliment or else Dylan is just too dumb to take notice.

Janet gets to work to find Ms. Snippy perched on the desk of Mr. Boss Man chattering away about all her new ideas. Janet points out that their reports aren't due until Friday, so Ava makes a hasty departure while her boss tells her not to be so sensitive. Janet's phone rings, thus saving us from anymore of this inane conversation, and it turns out to be Steve calling. He tells her to check her e-mail and when she does a big PERFECTLY POSED snapshot of Steve, Maddie, and Uncle Ryan comes up on the screen. Must be nice to have a T1 connection. Steve excitedly tells his wife about their day at the amusement park before hurrying off the phone. A depressed Janet slowly hangs up the phone while staring zombie-like at the computer monitor. All I can think of is "Maddie Has Two Daddies."

Kelly meets Matt on the pier for their planned lunch, but first Matt wants to walk. They talk about his pregnant sister-in-law and how she shouldn't be alone and decide to make arrangements for a New York restaurant to deliver her dinner a few times a week. Kelly admiringly remarks about how Matt "takes care of everything," but he humbly says he's just trying to be the "best uncle he can be." Then, for whatever bizarre reason, he tells his fiancee, "If it were up to me, I'd be the father ... but because of us ... I can't do that." Kelly insists she can't let him do that and needs some time alone to think. Matt agrees, but not before telling her the unappetizing things he brought her for lunch: an avacado and bean sprout sandwich and "that eggless potato salad you love so much." Blech! What's for dessert -- dirt-flavored Jello?

David fumbles with his pants as he runs for the door to greet the pizza delivery guy. He hands him a bill and tells him, "Keep the change." Immediately, the pizza guy informs him, "This is a 50," so right away we know this must be a dream sequence since NO pizza delivery person would be honest enough to point out such an oversight. David, however, doesn't seem to care as he closes the door and quickly returns to the bedroom where Donna is STILL lying naked in bed. They talk about how Donna shouldn't change her name because, as David explains it, it wouldn't be right for the person making Donna Martin Designs to be named Donna Silver. Why that's a problem I have no idea -- I mean, children work in sweat shops for Kathie Lee Gifford and SHE doesn't seem to have a problem with it, but what do I know.

The conversation switches to children and Donna says she wants two children and she wants both of them to look like David. Judging from this conversation, it's apparent they got lots and lots of extra cheese on that pizza. Donna romantically wishes they could "rewind the last 3 years," but David disagrees since the last 3 years brought them to this exact place and now I'm clutching my bottle of Tums as I cry out, "Dear God, please make it stop!" David then tells her he already sees them having a problem as he wants their children to look like Donna and didn't either one of these people take Biology in school? They agree on a "50/50 compromise" regarding their childrens' looks. What's that mean -- half plastic surgery, half natural? Then they toss their half-eaten $50 pizza slices into the box as they engage in some pizza-breath nookie.

Kelly shows up at Dylan's room all dressed up for dinner, but it's obvious she's upset. She rushes into his room telling him, "We have a problem... Matt is incredibly thoughtful, wouldn't lie to me, and would do anything for me." That's a problem? I'd love to see what his good points are. She continues that Dylan isn't thoughtful, she can't trust him, and he wouldn't do anything for her. Dylan tells her that's not true and begs her in his oh-so-brooding Dylan way to "give [him] a chance." Kelly is reluctant because she fears he'll let her down again, but with little more than an hour left in their time together, I don't foresee that happening. Then again, this *is* an Aaron Spelling show, so anything is possible. Kelly picks up Dylan's degree which, ironically, is in Humanities. As she stands looking at it, Dylan comes up behind her and breathily whispers, "Kelly, I will never let you down. [Pause] Wow, I almost convinced myself!"

The following morning finds Kelly and Dylan still in the same clothes sitting outside somewhere while Kelly finishes a conversation with Matt -- Mr. "Whose Sperm Is It Anyway?" -- on her cell phone. After hanging up, she turns to Dylan and tells him, "I'm going directly to Hell." Apparently staying up all night talking to your ex-boyfriend is a venial sin in her world. She tells Dylan how Matt is "the most decent person I know," but Dylan counters that that's no reason to marry him. That's true. Infidelity, abuse, and dishonesty are a much better basis for marriage, especially on an Aaron Spelling show. Kelly tells Dylan, "All I want is a little peace," which I'm guessing is precisely what Dylan is thinking. He tells Kelly to call him after she talks to Matt and, holding her, reassures her that all will be well in Happy Land just because he says so and he's the Special Guest Star so whatever he says, goes.

Kelly and her streaky hair go to see Matt in his office to deliver the bad news by telling him she thinks he should father Julianne's child. Perhaps I'm mistaken, but I thought Julianne was already pregnant. Chalk up another failure for the Beverly Hills Biology classes. Matt asks, "What about us?" to which a teary-eyed Kelly apologizes and tells him she can't marry him. Matt insists she's "not backing out," but when Kelly tells him he "deserves better," he gets angry and blames everything on Dylan. Matt then confesses his desert-tryst with Amy, obviously under the impression that Dylan has already enlightened Kelly to this fact. D'oh! When he realizes his error, he tries to put it back on Kelly by asking if she, in her own way, hasn't been just as unfaithful. Kelly can't argue that point and tells him that's "why I know breaking up is the right thing to do." With that, she removes her engagement ring, places it on the desk, and walks out.

Ellen returns home to find Noah covered in chalk and her daughter Caitlin nowhere near ready for happy bathtime. Caitlin excitedly overacts her two lines and if she was the best out of all the kids who auditioned, I'd hate to see the ones who she beat out for the part. She makes the "Joy of Cola" Pepsi girl look like Meryl Streep. She prattles on in her skreechy voice about how Noah turned her bedroom into a rocketship, then she runs into her room and, thankfully, out of this scene. Ellen is moved to fake tears over how bad her daughter's acting is and how much Caitlin likes Noah, but he quickly brings her back down to earth by telling her he can't commit right now. He asks if they can just slow things down, but when Skreechy summons her mother from her rocketship, Ellen tells him, "…but we can't" and walks away.

Hey look -- it's a crashing surf at nighttime. For a split second, I thought we'd been transported back to the infamous Melrose Place beach house. (Kimberly, wherefore art thou?) Kelly is leaning over the railing outside her apartment when Dylan walks up. Streaky Hair immediately attacks Brooding Boy for not telling her that Matt slept with Amy. [Current tint count: 35.] Dylan calmly replies that it was "none of [his] business." Kelly insists he should have told her so she could've broken off her engagement a long time ago instead of having to waste time during the series finale to do it. Again, Dylan calmly points out that the two of them would have most likely ended up together but only because Kelly was mad at Matt. Kelly will not listen to this reason and cries, "I thought we were friends!" Dylan, who has about as many facial expressions as Andrew Shue did on Melrose Place, tells her, "When you get distance on this, you'll see I acted like one" and leaves.

--written by zinc, Stacie, Anthony and Ellen, edited by Ken, stills courtesy of Anthony