We're back at the Peach Pit, in what could be its final scene before they auction off all the set chairs and jukeboxes to charity. David, Steve, and Dylan review the composition of the wedding party. They won't be hiring anyone new -- same old assortment from hell. Poor Matt will be the odd man out since he'll have no partner. Poo pooh!! Guys named Matt never get lucky on Spelling shows!

The guys chide Dylan about being the last one to get hitched, but Cool Guy reverts the conversation away from himself, as always. Steve leaves to run wussy married-guy errands, which leaves Dylan and David. Dave thanks Dylan for being the best man (in title only, of course). Hey, Dyl's the guy Dave's alienated the LEAST, I guess. He also asks Dylan if he'd say a few words at the ceremony. Apparently Robert Frost wasn't available. Dylan suavely agrees, griping that he has to write his own material.

Back at Kelly's Beach Promenade, the girls -- she, mom, 'n' Kelly -- are discussing their end of the wedding plans. Typical girl arrangements, such as ice sculptures, rose petals, sugar cubes. Where is this happening, Alaska?? They outline the stuff they don't have yet -- besides brains. One such item is apparently a "wedding dress." But alas, Donna surprises them!! She has herself a dress already in storage unbeknownst to the rest of them. I hope it's one of those half-breast-showing, butt-clinging things we see her in when the National Enquirer snaps her pic. Mom jests, "Are you pregnant or something?" Relax, Kelly, it's a joke! Then Mrs. Martin, in a lapse of tact, asks Kelly if she can borrow her wedding folder since she won't be needing it anymore. OOOOOOhhhhhhh -- dis!! Cut this scene, please...

...to the After Dark, with Noah, Donna, and Nat. Sing a swan song for this place, too. Noah proudly announces that he has struck a deal for the wedding liquor, and that he'd be glad to foot the bill. I'd suspect some shenanigans, but it's too close to the end here. So Donna thanks him. How tragic would this finale be if his liquor was some of that Reverend Jim Jones Kool-Aid, huh?? Dream on... Donna remarks that Ellen has not RSVP'd to her wedding invitation. Noah tells her it isn't happening, and proceeds to nutshell their breakup to Donna. Ho hum... Dave walks in wearing his lumberjack bright green plaid. He and Noah head out, leaving Donna with Nat. Guess we know nothing sexual is gonna happen here. Donna does ask Nat if she can make a request. Stop dying your hair, Nat? No. Rather, Donna poignantly tells him that the only thing missing from her life (besides any talent and skill) is a father figure. She would like Nat -- not Aaron Spelling -- to walk her down the aisle since he is the closest person to a father she's had. Nat agrees and they hug.

Steve be-bops into Janet's office, carrying some folder with tripe about 1,000 Celebrity Rapsheets for her articles. She has handed in the BIG PROPOSAL, and is waiting to hear if she makes the cut. Just in time, the boss walks in and congratulates her as the new editor of Nouveau. The chick from New York is out the door. Can you see the future TV-movie: "90210: The Sequel -- Ava's Revenge"? Me neither. Now Janet is only "semi-joyed," while Steve hugs her and raves. Unfortunately, all she can think about, however, is the vast time she'll have to spend in this position implementing the ideas she has merely put on paper. "My own daughter barely knows me," she piddles. Well, who the heck was screaming to have a kid back in Season 8, honey?? "This is what you wanted," says Steve rightfully.

Back in Donna's trap. She and Dave enter, going over yeas and nays on the invitations. Sorry, Valerie WILL be there. But Brandon has declined. You mean, we won't see him tonight?? Criminy! No Gina either -- good riddance, I say. And, again, no mention of Brenda! Whazzup? Soon, we'll be hearing that Brandon was an only child! Donna starts pouting with little doubts about the wedding. Trouble in paradise? It appears Ditzy wants to be a spring bride at all costs, and that means rushing things a wee bit. Donna agrees to live with their absences and moves on. Looking over their wedding task list, everyone is doing their job, so they relax and kiss.

Ocean waves pound the beach as Steve delivers to Kelly on her porch the obligatory speech that had to come at some point during the evening. You know, about how they all managed to stay friends for all those years despite all the hurdles they have overcome. It's called honor, jerky! The rest of us regular people who don't have good looks, fancy cars, and babes at every turn manage to stay faithful in life, thus so can you! He wonders if there is some "Steven King storyline evil scheme" planned for them in the end. Not a bad idea. Give me a rewrite! But they get back to the seating chart, and Kelly wonders where Matt will sit. Steve regretfully informs her that Matt will not be coming. He's decided to depart for New York. Kelly feels sickened. In walks Dylan and I feel sickened. Steve has to leave to tend to his wife. Wuss! Dylan immediately snuggles over to Kelly. As soon as she says, "I know you're in a tough position," referring to his life situation, he is standing behind her, lightly grabbing her hair close to his crotch area. Let the mind wander. He just drivels on about how sexy she looks. Kelly talks about breaking her engagement being difficult. Dylan improves his verbiage by mustering up FOUR-word answers this time, such as "It'll be OK", "Duh," etcetera. Fade away.

Now here's an odd one. Steve walking the missus through some semi-abandoned building leased from the "Homicide" set. He reminds her about what she said about spending more time with the baby. So what are they gonna do, hire a crack whore to clean their house? No. Steve laments that she has too much work and he has too little, so they need some BALANCE. What better time for a Balance bar commercial? Promptly, he opens the door to an apartment and leads her in. He claims this is balance, and by God is it grungy!! Kinda looks like the factory Bart bought for $1 on the Simpsons a few seasons ago. But then Steve reveals his plan. He sits on one side of the room and she on the other, both working -- with the baby in her crib in the middle. It'll be their OWN publishing venture. That's right, stab the current employers in the back. That baby'll look and sound great when the clients start rolling in as well. After Janet consigns herself to take this little risk, the now-happy couple hug.

The bachelorette party has begun. Lame strikes one and two as soon as we see the girls' old HS teacher "Mrs. T" and Andrea. Mrs. T looks plump as hell, while Andrea is appearing mighty fine in this fellow's opinion. Mrs. Martin sets up 'em for a game called "Toilet Paper Bride." Men play that one, too, but it's a lot different, I think. Andrea brings over a mysterious videotape. Didn't know you 'rette partyers did that, too.... My God, it's Brandon Walsh on video. What is he doing to that girl? Only kidding, it's just Brandon congratulating Donna via satellite. Nothing exciting here. Kelly belches out some drivel about him "still being disgustingly cute." Whatever, nice cameo. Andrea whips out the old popcorn and ice cream for everybody. The girls reminisce about Brenda's slumber party from Season 2, the one with the "truth or dare" game with the mean friend of Kelly's, in which Andrea established herself as "a contender." Meanwhile, the toilet paper gals are wrapping themselves up in the stuff. I would rather it were "Naked Toilet Paper Bride" at least. And just as things begin to get dull, here's the stripper. No, it is just Valerie, and she has clothes... She hugs Donna hello, and hands her a tasteful shower gift of a box of flavored condoms.

The bachelor party at the old Walsh house looks a wee bit more exciting! Immediately cut to Noah pouring three bottles of liquor down the throat of "The Fat Guy Who Used to Be Steve's Frat Buddy." He is now actually the "Fat BALD Frat Buddy." Dylan heads over to the VCR to provide the entertainment for the evening. Drum roll, please, as he hits PLAY. Yep, it is Brandon again. No "Deep Throat," just "Deep Thoughts" about Dave's longtime chase of Donna and how much he misses the guys. Dave's Dad is in the background, just absorbing all this, getting no lines in the script. Steve then decides to change course and read a poem called "Ode to Silver," in which he sonnetizes all of David's female exploits into three stanzas, culminating in a tribute to Donna. I think we can publish this one on the website somewhere, folks. [Editor's Note: Done!]

Back at the bachelorette party, the girls discover they have no cake, which is good, so they can get drunk faster. Since most are already there, Valerie sees fit to liven it all up. She offers Donna ("not the most experienced filly in the stable") some sex advice in the form of a poster. She unrolls it, revealing a male model with David's face superimposed and a bulls-eye target over the "package" area. All the girls and old biddies get quite a chuckle. Will we pin the something on something, I wonder? Val spins Donna and hands her a suction dart gun. Donna misses, perhaps prophetically getting "David" in the heart. "Practice shot," indeed. A little sidebar develops in which Kelly tells Janet about how Steve was her first love. The normally uptight Janet is now drunk, so she reacts with reminiscent pleasure. Then they compare notes on Steve's pre-sexual "growl" behavior, and escalate themselves to hilarity. Janet jokingly stands up and asks if there is anyone in the room who HASN'T slept with Steve. Many raise their hands except for Mrs. T, too busy stuffing the face, upon whom they proceed to rake. On to Mrs. Martin with the suction dart gun … BING!! Right in Dave's thing that rhymes with kisser. Admit it, didn't it strike you as just a little odd to see her taking aim at her future son-in-law's privates?

The useless Randy Spelling character guy -- whomever he plays -- walks into the old Walsh house with the evening entertainment for the bachelor party. Steve is mighty greatful. It's a bridally dressed stripper named Kiki Dupree, whose claim to fame for eternity to the grandkids will be appearing on this finale. Kiki begins her act, shaking the goods around. She works the crowd quick and reaches David. Mounting David, Kiki asks what his bride's name is. "Duh, Donna" he responds. "Is she as pretty as me?" asks Kiki. With that, Ryan reaches over and grabs the veil off her head, revealing she to be a HE! Whoooah, the Crying Game! The men roll in hilarity. David is not disgusted, for some reason. Hmm.... That was almost as good as the "Sixth Sense" secret! By the way Kiki looks like the gay guy from "Will and Grace." Yeah, sure, all you guys knew -- riiiight!

Then we jump to the wedding….

The Pepto-Bismol IV I put in during the bachelor/bachelorette parties has soothed my rumbling stomach somewhat, so cautiously I take it out. We return from commercial break and find ourselves at the church. Donna, in a bathrobe, is expressing doubts that she will be able to remember her vows and feels that she "can't go through with this." Kelly and Janet, in their lavender bridesmaids' dresses, reassure her. I myself am reassured that Kelly finally seems to have washed her hair. "Keep the sobs to a minimum," Kelly advises. "You're too pretty for tears. And no wire hangers!" Donna's mother enters carrying a small round box that looks a lot like something a former roommate of mine used to keep pot in, but it turns out to be a small candle, which Donna's mother thinks they should light in memory of Donna's father, who couldn't be there because of him being dead and all. "I feel like he's here watching over me," Donna admits. "Of course he's here," her mother replies. "He's executive producer!" They hug.

Meanwhile, at Casa Ex-Walsh, Dylan and a pantsless Steve are trying to help David get dressed for the wedding. Considering the relative intricacy of mens' and womens' wedding attire, I'm surprised that help is needed at all, but then I remember that this is David. In walks Valerie, bosoms-a-flying, to save the day and put on David's cufflinks. Amidst LOTS of innuendo, she tells them that her life in Buffalo is really good and that she has a good relationship with her mother and a good job and a new boyfriend. (Just one?) Valerie then proceeds to sleep with Dylan, Steve, and David for old times' sake.

Ding-dong, the church bells are ringing and the church is full of people evenly spaced in the pews. Steve escorts Donna's mother to her pew and then he and Dylan and David take their places at the front of the church. A priest and rabbi walk out, a flower girl scatters rose petals everywhere, and here come the bridesmaids with their tiny facial features. Big-faced Donna enters on Nat's arm and looks startlingly masculine considering she's wearing a strapless gown and big poofy veil. Everyone stares beatifically as she and Nat make their way down the aisle. David's eyes, which have been red throughout the entire show, continue to puff up.

The ceremony begins. I get all excited because I immediately recognize the rabbi as someone who once appeared on "L.A. Law" as a guy with Tourette's Syndrome, but unfortunately he does not punctuate his speech with obscenities this time around. He talks about how David and Donna have chosen each other as their "life mates," which makes me think of "Nurse Mates" shoes that nurses wear, and I wonder if this means that David and Donna are pledging to wear ugly but comfortable shoes 'til death do they part. Dylan and Kelly take turns reading passages about true love and what makes a good marriage. During this part, Matt skulks into the back of the church. After watching Dylan and Kelly sneak furtive glances at each other during the especially meaningful parts of their readings, he becomes depressed and leaves. Valerie runs after him to have sex.

When the priest announces that Donna and David have written their own vows, I immediately plug the IV back in and brace myself. I am not disappointed. David, who by now appears to have a roaring case of pink eye, says that he can't remember a time when he wasn't in love with Donna, except for those times when he was sleeping with other women, and blah blah blah. I frankly can't remember how the rest of his vows go because I'm so stunned by what Donna says next. Crying, Donna blathers on about how David's energy and passion inspire her in numerous ways (just like they've "inspired" countless other women before now) and how being with him makes her "no longer fear being [herself]" and how he gives her purpose and without him her soul is empty and her heart is broken and she is incomplete. "Thank you for loving me," she finishes, and I am so utterly depressed by Donna's obvious lack of self-esteem that I am crying, too.

The rabbi and priest respectively ask David and Donna to repeat the vows. It's the standard routine: loving and faithful, in plenty and in want, joy and sorrow, sickness and health, as long as we both shall live, yada yada yada. It goes something like this:

"I, David, take you, Donna, to be my wife. I promise to give you multiple orgasms every night and to keep it in my pants when other women are around. I will love you when you inherit your father's money and also, though less so, if we live in a house without an Olympic-sized swimming pool. I will love you not only when someone buys you a Golden Globe but also when people point out your lack of talent and beauty. Through plastic surgery and recuperation, I will stay with you as long as we're in syndication somewhere."

"I, Donna, take you, David, to be my husband. I promise to give it up whenever you ask and not get distracted by male models or my brother, who is actually playing Steve's brother on the show, but you know what I mean. I will love you when you're bigger than Babyface or Howard Stern and also when you're sitting around unemployed in your underwear watching "Ricki Lake." I will love you when you finally grow a real beard and when you start getting bald. As long as you throw away the bottle of eye drops after your pink eye clears up, I will love you as long as you will have me, because I'm obviously so unworthy of your love."

There's a close-up of the ring exchange. Donna's ring is way too big for her finger. The rabbi (who has a surprisingly large part in the ceremony considering that Donna's mother is so very Catholic) speaks for the priest in pronouncing Donna and David husband and wife. Donna and David kiss, everyone cheers, and Valerie runs up to have sex with the priest and rabbi.

After the commercial, we are whisked off to the reception at the Hilton, where everyone's clinking their glasses to get the happy couple to kiss. Now it's time for the first dance. Instead of the hoped-for "Kung Fu Fighting," we get Eric Benet and Tamia singing. Powerful song. Donna grabs David's butt, and from where I'm sitting, it looks like Kelly grabs Dylan's yoo-hoo under the table. Valerie comes up. "Matt's in the lobby, and he wants to talk to you," she says to Kelly. "By the way, I just slept with him." Kelly leaves, and Valerie sleeps with Dylan. Out in the lobby, Matt is standing by a gift table piled so high that it looks like Mount Everest. Matt confuses everyone by first telling Kelly that he feels they gave up on each other too quickly, then by laying a guilt trip on her, and finally by telling her that he saw her and Dylan giving their readings at the church and no longer feels that their connection is "unhealthy" because he saw how much they enjoyed talking about breath and smiles and stuff. "You made the right choice," Matt says, and Kelly looks bewildered but relieved as they hug and say goodbye. What a load of baloney! No guy would EVER admit that!

Valerie has by now slept with Nat, Noah, David's father, Steve's little brother, the wedding photographer, Eric Benet, all the waiters, and Steve's gross fraternity brother. Everyone is dancing and getting loaded. Noah dances with Donna and tells her that he's not going to move away for the sailing race and is instead going to stick around and give things a try with Ellen. Donna suggests that he go over to Ellen's place right then to tell her so that there will be one fewer ex among the guests. Valerie has sex with him on his way out. Kelly and Dylan gaze at each other across the crowded dance floor. Andrea is wearing yet another shawl, which makes me wonder what's wrong with her arms. The photographer wanders around taking pictures in between having sex with Valerie. Donna and David cut the cake and feed bits of it to each other. I barf. Kelly gives a mushy toast about how she initially wasn't that thrilled about having David as a stepbrother, but now he has turned her best friend into her sister. Kelly and Donna kiss.

Not surprisingly, Kelly catches the bouquet. More photo ops with Kelly, Dylan, Donna, David, Steve, and Janet. Donna gets mushy and drinks a toast to everyone, and I'm amazed that any of them can still stand considering all the booze they've put away. Say, isn't Dylan a recovering alcoholic? Dylan asks Kelly to dance, and finally she accepts, and they kiss. The band plays a half-hearted rendition of "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang as the camera circles slowly around the 90210 gang in the middle of the crowd. We get to marvel at Donna's oddly shaped breasts and the fact that no one, not even David "Funky Fresh Def Super Fly" Silver, is dancing in rhythm. As our pals hug, we fade to black one last time.

--written by zinc, Stacie, Anthony and Ellen, edited by Ken, stills courtesy of Anthony