Back at the complex, the ORIGINAL Pool Boy is cleaning the pool, so I guess the "dumb jock" pool boy is making a career elsewhere.

Matt is in his apartment and on the phone with a hospital nurse who is telling him something to the effect of "stay on the phone for a few more seconds so it looks believable". Matt hangs up and we see that Jake "I have no friends so now I hang out with Matt" Hansen is there enjoying a cup of lukewarm java. Much to the surprise (and possible jealousy) of Jake, Alan the Rude Boy (yes, now he has a name - about damn time) emerges from the bedroom and it's obvious that our favorite Melrose homosexual FINALLY got to have SEX like all the rest of his morally-void neighbors. Jake looks terribly uncomfortable and makes up some lame excuse and leaves. Alan then tells Matt "you were great last night" and then, just as you think that they are going to get it on right there in the kitchen, Alan sees the time on Matt's watch (Alan doesn't wear one) and rushes out of the apartment in a sudden hurry to get to some lame acting job, probably as one of those "Fruit Of The Loom" guys.

Amanda waltzes into Peter's office and finds Peter on the phone yelling at someone and telling them to take him to the Supreme Court. He hangs up the phone and informs Amanda that he's being sued for malpractice by a former patient. Amanda says something insensitive like "you have insurance" and then offers Peter the cure to all his worries - a croissant! Wow! She then proceeds on with her self-centered banter and tells Peter that they need to make plans for New Year's Eve *AND* the future and Peter explodes all over her telling her if he gets sued and loses, he won't *have* any future (and probably no more croissants, either). Amanda snaps at Peter "don't yell at me!" and then throws a little Brooke-esque "I'm not important to you anymore" snit fit and storms out of his office and if the producers don't give Amanda back her spine pretty damn soon, I'm gonna start wishing *her* dead instead of some of the other lamers on the show.

Michael is in Jane's hospital room telling her she's had a "small stroke", although it quickly becomes apparent that the entire right side of her body (with the exception of her facial muscles - convenient) is paralyzed. Jane starts crying and screaming "I'm paralyzed! I'm paralyzed!" while a nurse unsuccessfully tries to console Jane.

Sydney is at Kimberly's office asking her what she should do about the whole "oops I drugged my sister into a stroke" situation. Kimberly starts giving Sydney a lecture about accepting responsibility for her actions and then turns around and replaces the 3 missing pills in Sydney's bottle with 3 from her own private stash explaining that, once Michael gets the toxicity report back, he will immediately jump on Sydney and count her pills. Kim then advises Sydney to "smother Jane with caregiving" so that no one will suspect Sydney of being the one who drugged Jane. But, I gotta say that if Sydney is being nice to *anyone* it's ALWAYS because she's up to something, so I don't think that plan will work. When Syd makes a comment about her "unorthodox therapy" Kim counters by telling Sydney she is an "unorthodox patient".

Brooke, Billy and Hayley's attorney are having lunch at an expensive restaurant and Brooke is signing all the necessary papers to allow the transfer of funds from Hayley's account into her own as soon as her non-existant child is born. Billy leaves, and Brooke asks the lawyer if she'd still get the money if she miscarried. He informs her that the Will was very specific and, basically, "no kid, no money". Knowing Brooke is a scheming, spoiled brat, the lawyer asks Brooke why she's asking such questions, so Brooke tells him the truth about the lab error and her pregnancy. The lawyer advises Brooke to "get pregnant immediately" but I think what he *really* wanted to say was "have sex with *ME* baby".

At Dorkboy & Dogbreath, Billy confronts Alison about the fact that she's been avoiding him ever since Christmas and wants to know why, and it's apparent that Santa did not bring him a CLUE for Christmas. Alison says something about "old acquaintances" so the two of them take a little departure and start to dissect the song "Auld Lang Syne". Luckily, shortly into this, a newly-SAG'd extra runs in and informs Billy that Brooke just called from Wilshire Memorial and that he better hightail it down there since she sounded upset. But instead of telling this extra that that's just how Brooke always sounds, Billy drives over to the hospital as instructed. Once there, he discovers Brooke sitting outside and she lies to him and tells him that she had a miscarriage and then cries as Billy holds her and looks off into space, probably pondering how they get the peanut butter into those Reese's peanut butter cups.

Pool Boy now has competition - it's the LEAF BLOWER MAN!!!

Billy and Brooke are back at home and Brooke is very anxious to "get on with their lives" by screwing like rabbits until she conceives and even makes up some crap about how women are fertile immediately after miscarriage. But Billy is reluctant and tells her he thinks there should be some kind of "grief period" before they try again. Alison then stops by with a plant and her condolences and Brooke accepts the plant and then gets ugly with Alison. Billy offers to walk Alison out, even though she's only ten paces from the front door. Once outside, Billy tells Alison he's a mess about the whole thing but that Brooke is a little "too OK" with it all. Alison leaves just as we hear Brooke calling out "Billy - I need you!" when really what she needs is a good smack in the head.

Bobby and Amanda are in Amanda's office, presumably discussing business, when Bobby asks Amanda is she's OK. She tells Bobby about Peter's malpractice suit and how he needs to "get out of town". Bobby invites the two of them to his Palm Springs house for New Year's Eve, but then decides it's probably not a good idea since "three is a crowd". Just then Alison walks in and Amanda, seeing a golden opportunity, invites Alison to join them in Palm Springs. Alison hesitates but accepts.

At Burns-Mancini, Michael walks in and discovers Peter on his hands and knees sorting through all the files and bitching about Sydney's filing system while looking for anything he can to help his malpractice case. The fax rings and then spits out the results of Jane's toxicity tests, showing Michael that a high level of phenylbarbitol - the same drug that "Dr. Fruitcake" prescribed Sydney - was found in Jane's body. Sydney then walks in and is immediately dragged into Michael's office where, as Kim foretold, he grabs Sydney's purse, finds the bottle of pills, and starts counting. Much to his surprise, he finds 30 pills, but still has his doubts about Syd's *or* Kim's innocence as he heads over to the hospital. Sydney shoots him a little "Too-da-loo!" as he leaves.

Matt and Alan (who is an obvious LIAR as he is now, indeed, WEARING A WATCH - thanks to Bev and daughter for pointing that out) are at Shooters and Alan tells Matt he's moving back to New York and then follows up this bombshell with "but let's enjoy tonight". And all I have to say is that if ALL the homosexual and bisexual men in L.A. are shallow, psycho, or unstable, then Matt needs to either A) try women or B) move to Atlanta.

Billy is sitting in his living room looking at the teddy bear he gave "the baby" for Christmas and obviously dealing with his emotions over Brooke's miscarriage. Brooke then beckons to him, so he begrudgingly gets up and goes to the bedroom and finds her laying on the bed in some satin pajamas. It's obvious what Brooke wants as she greets Billy with "I'm ovulating!" Billy turns down her sexual advances, so Brooke tells him of her "need to have a mutant spawn growing inside of me". Billy tells her "we have to wait" so Brooke pulls her standard M.O. and throws a temper tantrum and tries to guilt trip Billy by accusing him of not wanting her on account of her being "damaged". She then throws him out of the bedroom and then continues her snit fit alone on the bed.

Jake visits Jane at the hospital so I guess Jane is his only friend in the world now that Matt is no longer available for that position. Jake proclaims the truth to Jane about "saving yourself" since no one else will and no one else really cares anyway since the world is a cesspool of crap anyway (or something along those lines). He then tells Jane that there's a light inside of her, and I wonder if he just watched E.T. or something. Jane starts crying that she "feels so alone" so Jake comforts her, although it's probably awkward for him to console a woman without jumping into bed with her. Oh well - there's a first for everything.

Michael is pushing Jane around the hospital in her wheelchair when the two of them run into (no, not literally) Kimberly. Michael pulls Kimberly aside and accuses her of being the one who drugged Jane. He then makes some comment about her association with Sydney, so Kim first reminds him of the patient-doctor confidentiality agreement and then denies any involvement in Jane's overdose. Michael tells Kimberly he's keeping an eye on her and then threatens her with various rantings, and Kimberly very calmly warns Michael not to threaten her. Michael walks back out to Jane, who is now talking to Billy. Michael does the old "Hi Billy. Bye Billy" and wheels Jane down to the dayroom.

Dr. Fisher, Brooke's OB/GYN then walks by and, while having a brief conversation with Billy, informs him of the truth about Brooke's pregnancy. She tells him that there was no miscarriage and that Brooke's non-pregnant status is a result of a lab screwup. Billy's eyes get bigger and bigger as he slowly goes into shock.

In a rage, Billy storms into Shooters, finds his wife, and drags her out back. Through clenched teeth, he gives Brooke the verbal beating we've all been waiting for for months. He tells her about the severity of a miscarriage and his feelings for his lost child and that what she did by lying to him was sick. He then says "I'm an idiot" (no... really?) and that everything with her is "always about money". He recounts all the times he's taken her abuse and played along with her games and that he's not taking any more of it. He was so mad that he almost appeared to be foaming at the mouth and, for a minute, I almost thought he was gonna haul off and give Brooke a good smack. Brooke begs Billy "listen to me" as she wants to give him some lame explanation, but Billy just shouts "NO!" and then follows-up by telling her their relationship is over. As he walks away, there's a slight smile on his face, as if the relief of being rid of Brooke is better than he imagined it would be, and all I can say is that it's about damn time Billy got a spine and it was refreshing to see Andrew Shue portray a gutsier, self-assured character for a change.

In Palm Springs, Peter is drinking himself into deeper stupidity (is that possible?) when Bobby walks in and joins him. They briefly discuss Peter's malpractice suit and Bobby offers to give Peter some legal assistance. Peter, sensing male inadequacy, tells Bobby that he's got his own lawyers and turns down Bobby's offer. Amanda then walks in and invites the two of them to join her and Alison out on the patio. Peter stands up and announces that he will be taking a shower and that Amanda should join him, which she agrees to, leaving Bobby to sit there and just be jealous about the whole situation. Bobby then walks outside and attempts to make small talk with Alison. When he tells her she's beautiful, she responds with "I'm not Amanda" when I'm sure a simple "thank you" would have sufficed. Bobby then wishes her a happy new year and goes back inside.

Peter is dressed and lying face-down on the bed when Amanda walks in wearing some lacy, sexy lingerie, so I guess the shower idea went out the window. She then jumps on Peter and tells him "show me how big a man you can be" and Peter miraculously becomes sober and procedes to show Amanda exactly who wears the penis in this relationship.

Michael wheels Jane into his house and it quickly becomes obvious that she will be staying there for awhile. He even announces that he will lighten Sydney's work load so she can spend time helping cart Jane's paraplegic body around. Michael then orders Sydney to go find some pillows for Jane so she'll be comfortable on the sofa. After he picks Jane up and puts her down on the couch, Sydney walks in and gets Michael to help her look for pillows. Once in the bedroom, she closes the door and informs Michael that she is not any too happy about having Jane live there. Naturally, Michael could care less what Sydney thinks and he lets her know that before going back out to Jane.

Back in Palm Springs, Amanda can't sleep so she puts on her robe and leaves the bedroom, thus allowing her loser boyfriend to sleep. However, as she walks out, we see Peter's eyes magically pop open, and if these two can't even be honest about insomnia for heaven's sake then they have absolutely no chance at having a successful relationship. Out by the pool, Amanda is startled to find Bobby also wandering around in his robe. As the fireworks light up the sky, Bobby confesses his love for Amanda and then passionately kisses Amanda while Peter watches from the bedroom window.

The next morning, Alison looks out the window and discovers that Billy is asleep in his car in the driveway. She runs out to him and finds out that Billy is leaving Brooke and he didn't know where to go so he got the address where Amanda was staying from her voice mail and started driving. When Alison asks if running away is the best solution to his problems, Billy makes the witty comment about "Fugitive From A Marriage - The Billy Campbell Story" and how it should be the movie of the week, so I expect to see it on the Fox Tuesday Night movie shortly. Alison, noting that this Palm Springs escapade has been anything *but* a vacation, offers to drive Billy home.

Sydney is bitching to Kimberly about the fact that Jane is now living with her and Michael. When Sydney makes the comment "I'd be better off if Jane had just died", Kimberly goes ballistic and tells Sydney "DON'T EVER SAY THAT" with enough emphasis and conviction to scare the crap out of Syd. Sydney then tells Kim that Jane is her weakness, so Kim tells Syd "violence is mine". Sydney agrees to help Jane.

Matt is dropping off Alan at the airport, which figures since this show doesn't know how to handle a homosexual relationship anyway. They hug goodbye and, as Alan is walking away, Matt calls out to him. He then runs over to Alan and begs him "don't go to New York - move in with me". Matt then grabs Alan's face in his hands as if he were going to kiss him, but then I remembered what show I was watching. After a little bit more begging, Alan agrees to move in with Matt.

Peter is in his office when the answering machine goes off and Amanda leaves a message for Peter, asking him what's going on since he left this morning without saying goodbye. She hangs up and Peter throws a few files across the room, which is pretty dumb, especially considering all he went through to find those files in the first place. Bobby then walks in with papers from his "malpractice pro" showing a legitimate settlement in Peter's malpractice case. Peter doesn't trust Bobby, who is still insisting he did it as a "favor for a friend". Peter shoves the papers back on Bobby and then, after a little bantering, punches Bobby in the face. Bobby picks up the papers, gives them back to Peter and tells him "that was a mistake - if you do it again, it will be the last time" and then he leaves.

Alison and Billy are back at the only apartment complex in existance in all of L.A. and they do their little goodnights and thank-yous before parting for the night. Billy walks into his apartment and discovers the telephone off the hook and spitting out that rapid dial tone you get when you're phone has been off the hook for about a minute. He hangs up the phone and notices a note on the desk. Without reading it, he instinctively knows to run to the bathroom, where he discovers Brooke - who is bleeding and blue-faced - has attempted/committed suicide by slashing her wrists.

As Billy scrubs Brooke's blood off his bathroom floor, Alison tells him how she's always believed Billy and she were soulmates, so he tells her to "get out"; Jo and Richard - the current 2 suspects in Jane's overdose - suspect Sydney is the actual culprit, so Syd plants drugs on one of them and then calls the police.