This week's episode starts at the beach house with Jane the "crip" whose wheelchair batteries need to be recharged and Sydney the martyr whose patience at being a "caregiver" has long worn thin. Despite Jane's protests that her doctor's appointment is hours away, Sydney is shoving Jane's chair around and slamming it (and Jane) into furniture, doors, etc. Syd is whining about Michael and Jane is giving Sydney grief about how she (Syd) must enjoy being used and abused. Jane then asks Sydney why it is she loves misery but Sydney doesn't answer as she is obviously lost in thought. All of a sudden, Sydney pushes Jane's wheelchair down the driveway into the path of a speeding truck, which prompty turns Jane into roadkill. Immediately afterward, we get a full screen shot of Sydney's menacing grin, and it's painfully obvious that what just happened was nothing more than Sydney's fantasies playing havoc with us. But, even though it wasn't real, it felt good to see Jane smacked by that truck - a nice vulture scene would've added, though. As Syd tells Jane how lucky she is to have a 60's throwback for a sister, I went into the kitchen to get some crackers to go with all the CHEESE!!!

It's "the morning after" for Amanda and Bobby and, in celebration, Amanda is cutting Bobby's hair (thanks, Amanda, for exposing just how thinck Bobby's neck is), so if she ever loses control of D & D again she can always fall back on a career as a Supercuts stylist. Amanda tells Bobby that she needs to go talk to Peter and tell him what's happened, but when Bobby flexes his Parezi muscles and offers to go talk to Peter, Amanda says, "NO!". Bobby then tries to discourage her, using all sorts of bad examples like her marriage to Jack, but Amanda insists saying "it's something she has to do".

Alison is picking up her morning paper when Brooke comes out in her bathrobe (looking remarkably "fresh") throwing a fit about how someone is stealing her newspaper. Alison, who is far more patient than some saints I've heard of, offers to be supportive and listen to Brooke's petty woes. Brooke then settles down and - brace yourself - is actually *NICE* to Alison, and just when you think this is another "fantasy sequence", Alison leaves for work and Brooke turns to Billy (who has just come in, presumably from jogging) and tells him what a sap Alison is because Brooke has just gotten her to go do all her work. Brooke then offers to make Billy pancakes and, considering that Brooke has never set foot in a kitchen in all her spoiled-brat-living-with-Daddy days, I hope Billy stopped at McDonald's during his run.

Michael is chasing Kimberly down the beach when they both fall in the sand and each other's arms. Michael kisses Kimberly and mutters something about letting the whole world see the best sex he's ever had when we then see Michael sucking his pillow instead of Kimberly's face and - yes - it was just a dream (hope he changed the sheets). Michael walks out of the bedroom and we discover he is staying with Peter in the same room that Kimberly inhabited just a few months earlier. There's a knock on the door, so Michael goes to answer it and is greeted by Amanda asking, "What are you doing here?" Michael then explains that he's crashing at Peter's for a few days because "my beach house is unliveable due to unforseen circumstances of freak of nature... and her sister". On her better judgement, Amanda asks Peter if he can step outside so they can talk and, as Peter is walking past Michael out the front door, he turns and tells his new roommate, "Put on a robe for God's sake - you're frightening the neighbors".

Amanda tells Peter she wants to give him an explanation about their relationship. She then tells him, "I never meant to hurt you" and then follows up with "I love Bobby". When Peter asks what their (Amanda's and Peter's) relationship was all about, she tells him it was about gratitude, although at the time she thought it was something else. Peter is obviously hurt, but isn't giving up on her, which is probably not a bad idea especially considering that Amanda changes partners almost as frequently as Jake!

Matt drags Jo into his apartment so he can add as much drama as possible to the fact that the pills she had him analyze are indeed the same phenylbarbitol sleeping pills that caused Jane's stroke. Matt then accuses Jo of being the one who drugged Jane so, in her own defense, Jo compares this situation to Matt's run-in with the law (and Paul's dead wife) earlier this season. (Gryphon notes, "Hey! Let's keep bringing up all of Matt's past plotlines to avoid giving him new ones!") She then informs Matt, "I have to handle this myself so just STAY OUT!" and if she doesn't want him involved, then why the hell did she go to him in the first place??!!?

Jane's wheelchair battery has miraculously been charged and she wheels herself into her new doctor's office, where she has come for a second opinion. Jane tells the doctor how she's been doing all the therapy but isn't seeing any results, so the doctor proceeds to blow sunshine up her ass, telling her how it's "hard work" and there's no telling how short or long a recovery period will be. Jane counters by bitching about how easy doctors have it, so Dr. Sunshine tells her "easier than you think" and we see that he and Jane have something in common. Is it a lawnmower haircut? No... the doctor is also in a wheelchair, paralyzed permanently from the waist down, and he's such a good looking guy that you just hope that not *everything* is dead from the waist down. Jane stammers out an apology and the doctor tells her "it's time to get over your self-pity" which is probably the last thing she needed to hear.

Jane wheels herself out to a non-handicapped pay-phone which is entirely out of her reach. But, lucky for Jane, Melrose's knight in shining armor (i.e. Jake) appears and assists her. After Jane finishes her phone conversation with a customer (who Jane has just told to contact her directly, thus bypassing Hart-Mancini altogether), she tells Jake that she's got a pretty good feeling that Richard is the one who drugged her. Jake tells her to "get over it" and to focus her attention on walking, as if she hasn't thought twice about walking since her stroke. Jane tells Jake where he can stick it and then immediately apologizes. Jake tells her not to worry about it and, looking like a scolded puppy dog, turns and walks away.

At Shooters, Jake offers Jo a beer because it appears "she needs it". Jo tells Jake she had the drugs analyzed and that they are, indeed, the same pills as the ones that caused Jane's stroke. When Jake tells Jo she needs to go to the police, she tells him she can't until she talks to Richard first. Richard walks in just then, so Jake puffs out his chest and tells her if she can't confront Richard, he (Jake) will. Richard sits down and Jake - oblivious to the fact that this is NONE OF HIS BUSINESS - starts provoking Richard. Jo immediately ends up caught in the middle until Jake finally ends it by telling her "there's your proof". Jo and Richard get up to leave, and Richard asks Jo what Jake meant by his last comment, so Jo finally confronts him about the pills. When it becomes clear that she believes Richard is capable of murder, Richard leaves. Jake walks up to Jo and tells her that she no longer has any choice and must go to the police and I'm just wondering - isn't this the same guy who is always preaching about not sticking your nose where it doesn't belong?

Kimberly is sitting in the hospital cafeteria when Michael waltzes in and drops a negligee into her lap, telling her, "I found this in your bed". He then asks her for her help in getting Sydney and Jane out of his house. Kim replies by saying, "Your first ex-wife, who is now your mistress moves in with you and your second ex-wife, who is now your girlfriend and then you come to your present wife to sort it all out" and then reminds Michael that he and Kimberly are still married. Sydney then walks in, looking for Michael and pulls him aside to talk privately. When she asks him, "When are you coming home?" he replies by telling her "as soon as you get your sister and her electric buggy out". He then goes on to tell Sydney that, if she can't manage this that he will be forced to evict them both. Kimberly gets up to leave and, hopefully, make a clean escape, but Sydney catches up with her and, after whining about all that's wrong with her life, asks Kimberly what she should do next. Kimberly first tells Sydney that she agrees with Michael and that Sydney and Jane should move out of the house. When this doesn't please Syd, Kimberly hands her the phone book and suggest her "fingers do the walking" (which is how Sydney gets into trouble anyway) and start looking for a convalescent home for Jane.

At Hart-Mancini, Jo enters Richard's office and tells him her regrets at getting Jake involved in the whole pill situation. Richard is still shocked and hurt that Jo believes he's capable of doing such a thing and tries the guilt approach by recounting their trip to Hawaii. He then hands the phone to Jo, telling her, "Call the cops - I really don't care anymore".

Billy is following Alison around D & D telling her to stop doing all Brooke's work. Alison defends Brooke, even after Billy informs her that Brooke is only using Alison by playing into the "abandoned child" routine. And, for someone who only last week told Alison to "get out of my life", Billy sure is doing a good job of staying *in* Alison's! Alison urges Billy to be more supportive and understanding, but Billy tells her he's tried all that, along with compassion, but he never knows what Brooke is going to do next. Brooke witnesses the entire exchange through the silence of her glass-enclosed office.

Sydney is at work getting price quotes for convalescent homes and discovering that it's going to be a lot more expensive getting rid of her sister than she originally thought. With that in mind, she goes to Peter and persuades him to help her by telling him that, if Jane doesn't leave the beach house, Michael won't leave Peter's. Peter tells Sydney he'll consider it and instructs her to leave the price quotes on his desk and he heads out to the golf course.

At the golf course, Peter is teeing off when Bobby walks up with the final settlement papers from Peter's malpractice suit. The 2 exchange a few hostile comments regarding the "taking of Amanda" so Bobby warns Peter to stay away from her, noting that he'll do "whatever it takes" to keep Peter away. Suddenly it hits Peter that Bobby set him up from the beginning. When he confronts Bobby with this thought, Bobby confirms it.

Billy is helping Alison carry home a box of files when the 2 discover that Alison's apartment has been trashed. As Billy and Alison survey the damage, she discovers the only picture she had of herself and Hayley with the frame smashed and her face torn out of the picture. Billy is livid and ready to go confront Brooke right then and there, but Alison stops him and begs him not to talk to her when he's so angry. Billy shouts that Brooke is "out of control" and wants to know *why* Alison keeps defending Brooke. Alison explains that it's because of Hayley and that she believes Hayley would want her to do all she could to help Brooke. Billy leaves her apartment with the parting comment, "You were right about one thing - I definitely married the wrong woman. Should have been you."

The elevator opens into the parking garage of Down & Dirty and Amanda emerges wearing another Victoria's Secret pajama outfit. Peter is waiting by her car. (Gryphon was hoping to see a reenactment of the garage scene from Body of Evidence) Amanda tells Peter that there's nothing left to say. Peter asks her, "then why did you send Mr. Mook?" He informs her that Bobby came to see him and threatened him to stay away from her. (Then why are you there Petey?) Peter tells Amanda to keep a tighter leash on Bobby, and that it makes sense that she chose Bobby because she needed a big dumb dog to protect her. Amanda retorts, "I need someone like that to keep away strays like you." (What is this, "Lady and the Tramp"? And, if so, who is who?) Peter leaves warning her, "you're on your own with this one."

Back at Melrose, Matt is studying when Alan comes home from AN ACTUAL AUDITION!!! and quoting Norma Desmond (She's had quite an influence lately.) He tells Matt that he got the part of a doctor on a soap opera - soap within a soap, how original. Hey significant other, I just got a job that may change my life, let's hug! Alan wants to take Matt out - his treat (a switch). Matt has some cardioblahblahblah exam and can't. Alan gets pissy and tells Matt that there is always something else. Gee Alan, like those nonexistent auditions? Relationship tip #341: If you fight more than you kiss, its time to call it quits. Matt, being the only selfless and sacrificing one in the relationship, frees some time up so they can celebrate. Another patented Matt-Alan squashed faced hug.

Sydney and Jane are out on the town (aka Shooters). Sydney pushes Jane into a corner until Jane protests and Sydney has to face her forward so Jane can see no doubt all of L.A. eventually filter through the door (it's the only bar in L.A. remember). Sydney makes a hasty exit-thank God; that hot pink outfit was hurting Gryphon's eyes. Jake comes over and hands Jane his millionth free beer. Jane apologizes for her earlier behavior at the hospital. Jake half-jokes about them dancing and Jane says she'll DEFINITELY take a raincheck. They exchange bedroom eyes.

At Sunlight Corners nursing home, the manager is showing Sydney around. Sydney barters the $1000 a month price down by giving up a view and adding two roomates. When the manager offers $750, Syd has to flirt her way down by saying she'd really like to visit Jane at this home and that way she could also visit him. He takes the bait and offers $650 a month (hey wait, that's the price of my apartment!) and tells Syd to, "Call him Harlan." Naaah... I'll call you "sucker".

At Peter's place, Michael tries to talk Peter into going to a nudie bar but Peter informs him, "There's only one woman I'm after." Michael tells him to just forget Amanda but Peter proclaims that he will get Amanda back. (Obsess much Peter?) Michael tells him that women always bounce back better later on. No, that's in Melroseland Mike. He then discloses that Kimberly has been giving him signals. Sydney knocks on the door ending this little male bonding session. Sydney corners Peter (literally) in a fit of giddiness and tells him about the great deal she got on the nursing home. Peter agrees to put up $200 when it would cost him nothing to just kick Michael out! Peter asks to not let Michael know that he's involved and to get Michael out soon. Sydney then cozies up to Michael and tells him he can come home tomorrow. Michael begins to protest but Syd knows the way to his heart - his crotch - and she promises to treat both well. Mikey likes it.

Billy and Brooke are sitting down to dinner and Billy asks Brooke why she trashed Alison's apartment. Brooke (whose bandages are gone and whose scars have magically disappeared) starts throwing all her wedding gift dishware around while accusing Billy of feeling too much for Alison. She admits that she trashed Alison's apartment (like there were other suspects) because Billy is breaking her heart. She then throws a big pot of pasta at him which he dodges (bummer). Billy gets some guts and walks out on Brooke for the second time. Brooke calls after him telling him that, even if he runs to Alison, he's still married to her...for life. Uh-oh, I see a rabbit boiling.

Outside Hart-Mancini, Richard waits for Jo. He asks her for a ride home because his battery is dead - what, rich people don't have AAA? They sit in the car and Richard convinces Jo that even though he's had thoughts, he didn't drug Jane. Jo believes and tells him that she could've never called the police because... she loves him. They start to make out like teenagers in a backseat and Richard suggests he follow Jo home. Jo asks, "what about your car?" Richard responds, "That's the last lie I'll ever tell you." Uh Rich, what about the one that you're straight?

Hey everyone!... It's Matt's old defense attorney! Peter enters her office to drop off his settlement papers. Alicia Barnet, a name to remember now that she's really a character, is Bobby's attorney now. When she questions why Peter didn't just mail the papers he flirts, "Well then I wouldn't have the pleasure of meeting you." Peter asks about how Bobby must have lots of legal work to have his own attorney (puhleez - my dog has his own lawyer). Alicia avoids the question and is thrown when Peter asks her out on a date. In Melrose lingo: Dating lawyers = Getting the goods on their clients. I guess Peter is the only one allowed to have interracial relationships (remember Jasmine Guy?). Alicia tells him that he's out of luck to which he responds, "I'm luckier than you think." Hey Pete, is that why you were just heinously dumped?

Sydney is pushing Jane up to her new home at Sunlight Corners (I smell a spinoff). Jane observes, "this is an old folks home." Harlan the sucker manager comes up and tells Jane how happy she'll be there. Jane smells a rat and runs over Sydney's foot to get away. Syd yells to an old lady with a walker, "Stop her!" When Syd catches up Jane fumes, "How could you do this to me?" Sydney tells Harlan to hold Jane's bed and she'll get her to sign the admittance papers soon.

Back at Shooters its a tearful reunion for Matt and his former lawyer until he hears the call of customers - too bad he doesn't hear the call of a clue about Alan - and leaves Alicia to talk with Jake who she was looking for in the first place. She informs Jake that her client... duh who could that be?... has bailed Jake out of the whole bookie mess and sees it as a legal investment. Jake asks her who it is but Alicia tells him that her client wishes to remain anonymous. Hmmm...

At the beach house, Sydney is preparing dinner for her and Michael. Jane says she doesn't want to eat with Michael and Syd says - no prob I'll just leave you out on the beach for a couple of hours. When Jane objects, Sydney tells her, "You could've been watching "Cocoon" with the other residents but you chose to stay here." As she leaves Jane parked in the sand, Jane yells a useless "Damn you!"

Amanda burst into Bobby's office and huffs about how he went to see Peter. He says, "Nobody tells me what to do." She says, "Nobody tells *me* what to do." They then agree that they're two stubborn people who can't keep their hands off each other and make out. Was there a purpose to this scene other than to make us gag?

Sydney and Michael are finishing dinner and also starting to make out when Jake knocks at the door looking for Jane (he's quite the devoted friend this episode). Sydney tells him she's out on the beach. Jake looks for her on the beach and finds her empty wheelchair. He then hears Jane's cries for help and sees her floating out to sea. Jake dives in and fishes her out. Jane tells him that after Sydney left her out there the tide came in and pulled her out. As they lay dangerously close on the sand Jake swears to her that, "No one's gonna hurt you" with rage in his eyes.

Bobby and Amanda are in bed as Bobby talks to his mobster dad on phone. Dad says, "If Amanda Woodward is still alive there's a hell of a lot for us to talk about." Brooke tells Alison that Billy is divorcing her. Jake and Jane make out in the pool and, yes, it looks like she's grappling him with all four limbs.