The Night of 1001 Improbable Plot Twists begins with Kimberly bouncing in to Michael and Peter's office like she owns the place. She's stopped by Receptionist Traffic Cop Sydney, who bluntly accuses Kimberly of pitting Michael against her. Kimberly puts on her Concerned Therapist face and informs Sydney that "Michael never saw you as anything but a diversion." Sydney insists that Michael loved her, to which Kimberly replies, sadly, "You're a very sick girl." And she should know! As Kimberly walks to Michael's private office, Sydney mutters darkly, "You... are going to find out just exactly how sick I can be."

"Honey, you gotta fire that girl!" Kimberly announces as she busts in on Michael's important health care work. Yes, apparently Kimberly the Bitch Goddess has the power to hire and fire people at her whim -- don't cross her, you may be next. Michael protests that he has no reason to fire Sydney; blackmail and tossing one's ex-wife into the ocean obviously not being good enough reasons to fire a secretary. Kimberly says she'd be grateful and happy, and that's reason enough for me. "It's just not possible," Michael whines. "She's a great receptionist, the patients love her." Obviously he's referring to some other Sydney from an alternate universe. Kimberly gives him a "visual aid," jumping on top of him and dragging him to the floor for a morning of uncomfortable lovemaking. No wonder health care costs are skyrocketing; it must cost Michael a fortune to clean his carpets.

The Melrose Place theme music starts up and the credits start rolling by, but the picture of Kristin Davis is gone which can only mean one thing: BROOKE IS REALLY DEAD AND SO IS HER GHOST!!!

It's morning at Dungeons and Dragonladies, and once again, Billy is the only man in the office not wearing a jacket and tie. But he doesn't let his recurring fashion faux pas get in the way of buttonholing Amanda and telling her he wants to repitch the Madge & Mabel ice cream account. Amanda says she'll think about it, but Billy eagerly insists she think about it now. She's amazed by his new EZ-Growth Spinal Cord, but warns him: "Going downhill isn't pretty, so if you're in this for the long haul, take it easy," an incomprehensible aphorism that she must have read in the Daily Meditations for Ruthless Career Women pamphlet she keeps on her bedside table. Billy's face is filled with the warm glow of triumph, or indigestion.

Speaking of triumph, Alison smiles broadly when she sees a janitor erasing Brooke's name from her office door, apparently thrilled that every vestige of her daughter-in-law is being cleansed from the earth. Billy informs Alison that they're pitching the Madge & Mabel account together, and Alison is annoyed that he didn't ask her about it. She's irritated by his new take-charge attitude, and says that either he's on "advertising steroids" or he's avoiding his feelings about Brooke. She says he should seek professional help, but he ignores her suggestion since all the shrinks in town are busy blowing up apartment complexes. "If you really want to be a friend, help me get the account," he says. She agrees, but says, "I'm not sure I like this new confidence -- I think it's more like arrogance." "You love it," he counters, smoothly.

Richard shows up at Jane's garage design studio, apparently to mock her again. He says he's come to make a deal -- he's about to be interviewed by Fashion News (which must be the new show on the Weather Channel, I suppose), and he's heard that she's going to be interviewed too. He won't hassle her about scheduling her fashion show a day before his if she doesn't do a hatchet job on him. He'll give her the same respect. She's suspicious but says she'll think about it. Then she slams the door on him and wonders how she's going to get the carbon monoxide smell out of her studio.

Peter shows up at Alycia's office -- this must be Take Your Devious Lover to Work Day -- and asks her why she left early last night. She tells him she saw him rifling through her briefcase, so she did her own spying and found out about last year's attempted murder charge. She also found out that Peter was possibly complicit in Jack Parezi's death. "What the hell is going on between you and the Parezis?" Peter launches into Improbable Plot Twist #85, telling her that Vince Parezi once ruined Peter's father's business, and his father killed himself. Now he wants to get even with the Parezis. The improbable part? Alycia actually believes this bizarre story. She asks if he's sleeping with her to get at Bobby, and he tells her, "I'll admit I thought about it at first... until I fell in love with you." And like all Melrose women, the word "love" has a Pavlovian effect on Alycia, making her forget that Peter is a lying murderer and turning her instantly into his Zombie Love Slave who lives to do his bidding. She melts instantly and murmurs that she loves him too, and they celebrate by pushing their faces together in some kind of imitation of passion before Peter slams Alycia down on the desk for Uncomfortable Mating Position #2. Watch out for the stapler, kids!

Back at the office, Michael takes his first opportunity to lash out at that great receptionist that all the patients love. He accuses Sydney of ordering lo mein with peas for his lunch -- "I hate peas!" -- and coming in ten minutes late. "I can't live like this; you're fired!" Sydney is stunned. "No way is this goodbye," she insists, dumping the lo mein over Michael's head. At last, the peas get their revenge.

Doing a quick change, Sydney puts on hospital scrubs and barges into the operating room to confront Peter, who is in the middle of stitching up a patient. Oblivious to the medical drama unfolding before her, Sydney complains that Michael fired her because his lo mein had peas in it. He pulls her out into the hall so that his fellow surgeons don't have to listen to his disgruntled employees. Holding his bloody hands out in front of him -- say, since when does Peter see patients, anyway? -- he tells her that if Michael fired her, he's glad. She takes too much care and feeding anyway, not to mention her hair is frightening the patients. "Now get out of here!"

In another random hospital corridor, Matt appears from the elevator, barreling down the hall for some crucially important med student moment. David, the boy who can't hear the word no, pops up next to him, having tracked Matt with the Radio Shack Gay Boy Radar System he got for Christmas. David invites Matt to a bowling party with some people from the hospital, and Matt tells David again, as if he didn't know, that he's seeing someone. David says he's asking as a friend -- "Come on, Matt, we work together, I took your old job," as if that qualifies him to fill up every available minute in Matt's social calendar. Matt says it's a great offer, but he's busy tomorrow night and he has to go. He leaves David in the dust.

Kimberly stalks by into another scene, not acknowledging Matt as she speeds by. Michael, the original Happy Puppy, bounds up to her with his tail wagging and announces that he fired Sydney. Kim isn't pleased to hear about it. She's having another of her famous mood swings -- hide the pencils! -- because she came home to find divorce papers in her mailbox. His tail droops as he begs, "Aw, c'mon Kimberly, give me a break. I filed those when you were in the nuthouse!" He rips up the papers. She says it's not just that -- "We missed a few steps," like maybe running each other down with cars. She's terrified that the "old Michael" is going to come back. "He's not coming back; we're both different people," Michael vows, and boy, ain't that the truth -- this morning she was all over him like he was the first meal she'd had in days, and now she can't bear to have him touch her. Presto-changeo! It's all part of The New Kimberly, woman of a thousand faces. "I want to feel safe," she says, leaving Michael the kicked puppy standing alone in the locker room.

Bobby brings Amanda to his office to make her a fabulous offer. He's starting the Board of Directors at his cable company and he wants her to be a member seeing as she's such a financial genius and everything. She agrees, knowing that there's nothing that cements a relationship more than serving on your partner's Board of Directors. He tells her to look over everything while he makes her some coffee. She looks around for a calculator. Randomly opening drawers, she stumbles across a file marked "Shooters: Jake Hansen." "Ah, I see", she says to herself, this must be the Jake Hansen File Drawer. Now she feels really comfortable about serving on Bobby's Board of Directors since she knows he has such a sophisticated filing system. She opens the file and learns that Bobby loaned money to Jake to save Shooter's.

It's time for Uncomfortable Mating Position #3 as Jake and Jane enjoy sex on her living room floor during lunch hour. (Doesn't anyone use a bed anymore?) There's a knock at the door, so of course Jake answers the door shirtless, zipping up his pants. Jo is stunned to see this Natural History Museum exhibit playing butler, but she collects herself enough to ask to see Jane. She drops the files she's carrying down on Jane's messy coffee table, and pulls out some proofs of photos she took of Jane's mannequins so Jane can do an inventory. When Jo picks up her files to leave, she also accidentally picks up a few of Jane's sketches.

Jo arrives back at work, and she and Richard (LA's Crankiest Couple) bicker about some fool work-related thing that I confess I couldn't pay attention long enough to listen to. Jo drops her files -- and Jane's sketches -- down onto Richard's desk. Stephanie, one of Richard's disgruntled employees, comes in to start sewing some of the new designs from Richard's sketches. Richard and Jo are going to lunch, so Richard waves vaguely at his desk and says that she should start working on... oh, anything she happens to find. Obviously Richard is comfortable with the possibility that his models will be walking down the runway wearing dresses that look like Chinese takeout menus. The Cranky Twins take off for a long lunch, and Stephanie unearths the stolen sketches of what seem to be part of Jane's New Zoo Revue African Adventure line -- a zebra-print sweatshirt and a leopard-print lampshade dress. "Now we're talking," Stephanie nods, so apparently working in Richard's sweatshop has destroyed either her eyesight or her sense of taste.

At D&D, the Two Horsewomen of the Apocalypse arrive for a meeting. Madge and Mabel, the aged terrors of the ice cream world, are old, but they could clearly take Ben and Jerry down in the first round. "You're Madge and Mabel, the ice cream queens," Billy announces. "Kid's on the ball," Madge nods, as if Billy should be congratulated for knowing who's coming to his meetings. Alison begins the worst pitch of all time, babbling about apple pies and farmhands. The phrase "country freshness" is involved. Mabel rolls her eyes, saying, "We've seen that five million times." Billy agrees -- that campaign doesn't fit them, they're cantankerous and tough. He proposes a "kick-butt" campaign bringing them into the 90's, featuring the two of them wearing black leather jackets, smoking stogies, and riding motorcycles. His tag line: "Madge and Mabel: Absolutely, Definitely, Not Your Grandmother's Ice Cream." Inexplicably, Madge and Mabel like this idea. Alison's eyes bug out of her head and roll around on the floor as Madge and Mabel order Billy to draw up his idea and march out. Alison is put out, asking if Billy set her up. He shrugs and says he just had an inspiration and went with it. She's sulky because her pitch blew and she knows it.

Jane comes to Jake's apartment looking for her missing drawings, but Jake the Twice-a-Day Man distracts her by kissing her and telling her it can wait. Of course, she falls for it, because Melrose women can't resist guys with bad haircuts. He carries her into the bedroom for some odd reason -- maybe he's got an ironing board or a table saw in there that they can stretch out on.

Matt shows up at the bowling alley to meet David. Alan had a late rehearsal and cancelled, so Matt decided to show up. David is delighted to see him, and Matt says "Thanks for being a friend," which is one of those things that only Matt can say on this show. Just as Alan walks in to the bowling alley, Matt hugs David, and when Alan sees them touching each other, he turns and stalks out.

Alycia and Peter suck down martinis at Peter's house. All of a sudden, Alycia has turned on Bobby like a rabid dog, and she has plans for his destruction. She's found out that Senator Wilcox has jurisdiction over the cable industry, so she got Bobby to sign some blank checks. She pre-dated the checks and made them out to Senator Wilcox. Peter is very pleased with this faked evidence that Bobby is bribing a senator for a cable license. He asks why she's so ready to destroy the company she works for, and she informs him that there's a rider in the cable contract -- in the event of a breach, she has the option to buy the company, and for some reason, she considers herself qualified to run a cable company. "Not that you're not enough," she moans. He's not, but she's entitled to her opinion, I suppose. They kiss passionately, the only proper way to end a Melrose scene.

Night falls on the beach, and Kimberly stands on the deck of the beach house looking wistfully at the ocean -- maybe she's watching in case another of Michael's ex-wives washes up on the shore. Michael brings her a drink, and she reminisces about the early days of their relationship. "We were so innocent," she recalls, remembering those carefree days when Michael was cheating on his first wife. Michael, still in puppy-dog mode, says he wants to dedicate his life (or the next fifteen minutes, whichever comes first) to making her happy. "Will you marry me... again?" "A real wedding," he explains hastily, so she mentally cancels her order for clown shoes. She says it's too early for "all that fanfare." He gives her some more puppy face, telling her that "you can help me be the man I can be," which must be a hit song from the 70's. That Pavlov-Zombie effect works again, and she agrees to marry him again. "God help us both," she murmurs as they start sucking face like it's 1999.

Sydney is at Burns & Mancini with her newfound friend Bob the process server (did I hear her right?). As she asks Bob to "wave his magic wand", Sydney informs Peter and Michael that she's sueing them for sexual harassment and notes that, "the courts don't look very kindly on that sort of thing these days" but the courts are obviously overlooking things like blowing up buildings and trying to kill your sister. Sydney says, "I'll see you in court" and with a wink and a nod to good ol' Bob, turns and walks out of the office. Peter hisses to Michael, "another fine mess, Mancini!"

At D&D Amanda tells Billy that he landed the Old Lady Ice Cream account and continues with, "I don't know what's gotten into you lately, but I like it!" Before Billy can respond his phone rings with a call for Amanda who must have some kind of radar detectable device in her plastic hair clip since the receptionist has an uncanny way of finding Amanda regardless of where she's at. The call is from Peter, who informs Amanda that he's just "wrangled" an invitation to a cocktail party that evening and wants Amanda and Bobby to join him. When Amanda presses him for details, Peter tells her it's a fundraiser for Senator Wilcox who just happens to be in charge of the cable industry and wouldn't that be oh-so-helpful for Bobby who Peter is now referring to as "a friend". With a hint of jealousy in her voice, Amanda suggests that Alycia organized this whole shindig and tells Peter, "She's quite a woman". Peter tells her, "Yes she is - then again, she isn't you" before hanging up the phone leaving Amanda to ponder why it is she can't ever be happy with the man she has and always wants what she can't have.

Look - it's Pool Boy in the same clothes he's been wearing now for 3 years!

Matt and Alan are having coffee and attitude problems when Alan asks Matt who called so early in the morning and then goes on to suggest it was "work" knowing damn well he's referring to David. Matt tells Alan that it was Kimberly who called to invite Matt to her re-wedding wedding and asks Alan to be his date. Alan, who is having some resentment waffles along with his bitter coffee suggests Matt might "want to take someone else". When Matt asks what the hell he meant by that, Alan tells Matt that he saw Alan and David "all over each other" the previous night at the bowling alley. Matt tells Alan that it was nothing more than a friendly hug and that if Alan had stuck around he would have seen that. Alan insists it was more than that and who can really blame him when you consider that the only public display of emotion gay men on this show are allowed to show is hugging! Alan and Matt get into a verbal catfight when Matt raises his hand and says, "I'm hating this conversation. I'd like it to end well but I'm going to be late for rounds." Alan accuses Matt of having more time for David than Alan and Round 2 of the Bickering Boys begins. Again Matt halts the conversation by saying, "I can't talk about this" and storms out of the apartment.

Jake and Jane sit down to watch a videotape of Richard's television interview to make sure he "didn't trash her" when Jane makes the shocking discovery that her missing sketch pad designs have materialized and are now on the mannequins standing behind Richard. Jake, big lughead that he is, insists there must be a "logical explanation" but Jane ain't buyin' a word of it.

At "The New Improved Just Hart - No Mancini - Designs" Richard tells Jo that he'd like to take her away for a long weekend after the upcoming fashion show. As Jo accepts, a livid Jane comes marching in and accuses Richard and Jo of stealing her designs (which, on the hanger are even uglier than they were in the sketch pad). Jane insists that Jo's offer to help earlier was all just part of a bigger plan by Richard to steal her designs. As Richard questions Jo about "helping the enemy", Jane takes the rack with her designs and throws it to the floor so she obviously must not think very highly of those designs either. Jane then grabs Richard by the collar and tells him she's ready to "play hardball" before storming out of the office, presumably to look for a bat. Jo questions Richard about stealing Jane's designs while Richard questions Jo about her loyalty to the company and it's a good thing since the best relationships are built on deceipt and mistrust.

Amanda and Bobby arrive at the big fundraiser cocktail party and Amanda tells Bobby how she discovered the Shooters file in his office. She then asks if he did it so he'd "have something" on one of her ex-boyfriends and if that's the case then he'd need several hundred file cabinets what with all the boyfriends *she's* had. Bobby tells Amanda that he's willing to help anyone "go legit" since no one ever "lifted a finger to help him". This answer pleases Amanda. Peter then walks up and asks if he can "borrow Amanda's date" so he can introduce Bobby to the Senator. After hearing Bobby's name, the Senator thanks Bobby for all his "help" and shakes his hand as a nearby photographer gets a few shots of this exchange. Alycia leads the photographer away and tells him, "You've outdone yourself". She then hands him her business card and tells him to send the photos and the negatives to her. He leaves, Peter joins her, and the two engage in some shallow ego-boosting about how "smooth" they are and now I'm actually starting to feel sorry for Bobby the poor sap.

Another dark and stormy shot of the courtyard and Melrose pool and for a minute I thought maybe BROOKE was coming back from the dead!

Kimberly is at Sydney's groveling for forgiveness for asking Michael to fire her. As Kim starts rattling off her psychobabble reasons, Sydney sarcastically asks Kim, "Are you sure you wouldn't like to lie on the couch?" and Sydney is looking stunning in her long-sleeve all-black dress with a big red flower-shaped rug stuck to the side of it. When Kimberly tells Syd not to punish Michael and Peter for something she (Kim) did, it quickly becomes apparent that Kim has been sent here to convince Sydney to drop her lawsuit. She then tells Sydney how great life will be because not only will Syd have her old job back, but she can also be Kim's maid of honor and I bet winning the lottery could never be *this* exciting! Sydney applauds Kimberly for her effort and bad acting and informs Kim that she plans to sue Peter and Michael "for all that they're worth" since all Sydney's problems are Kim's fault. Sydney goes to the front door to show Kimberly out and, as she holds the door open for Dr. Quack, Sydney tells her, "Fool me once - shame on me. Try to fool me twice - it's definitely war!"

Billy walks into Alison's apartment and tells Alison (instead of asking) to sign a card he got for Madge and Mabel. Alison is still ticked off about the fact that Billy set her up and accuses Billy of using her. Billy insists he was just "focusing" and, as he crawls on top of Alison, claims, "just like I'm focusing now" (is that what they call it nowadays?) This "new and improved" Billy tells Alison what *she's* thinking and feeling as he continues seducing her and I found it quite ironic that the initiator of this little romp is the only one of the 2 still wearing his wedding ring...

It's the Wedding from Hell and Peter and Michael are inside the beach house adjusting their buttoneers and discussing Sydney's lawsuit when Syd herself waltzes in and tells them that the 10% they're offering is acceptable to her. But, as a result of "Kimberly underestimating my intelligence", Sydney adds that she will also become their Office Manager and has a share in the office voting. The 3 agree on this arrangement and sign the settlement papers that Sydney conveniently remembered to bring. Kimberly walks in then, wearing a giant silver condom for a dress and is displeased to hear of the transaction that has just taken place. As if that's not bad enough, Kim's visit to Sydney backfires even more when Syd announces that she's changed her mind and *will* be Kim's maid of honor. And it seems that perhaps, *finally*, Sydney has landed on top.

Outside on the beach, the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, and a string quartet is playing on a bedsheet. Matt is pacing and waiting for Alan who shows up and apologizes for being late and says that Gloria called and wanted to see him. Alan then apologizes for "the other night" and he and Matt make nice-nice. Matt then asks what Gloria wanted so Alan says, matter-of-factly, "Oh, Valerie and I are getting married". Naturally, Matt assumes, "You mean on the show?" to which Alan replies, "No, in real life". Matt is obviously unhappy about this so Alan whines, "Aw, c'mon - it's for public consumption". Before the 2 can get into another argument, Sydney the Maid Of Honor (with her own bouquet!) rounds the back of the house with Kimberly close behind and the ceremony begins.

The minister begins by telling everyone how "these 2 people have come to renew their wedding vows... again" as if he has better things to do and is wasting his time with all this nonsense. As he continues on with a bunch of non-applicable crap about love, both Sydney and Peter look like they will each soon be in need of airline sickness bags. The ceremony lasts all of about 15 seconds and Kimberly and Michael suck each other's lips off while everyone but Sydney applauds.

It's instantly nighttime and Richard is leaving work and heading for his car when Jo comes running out of the office after him. She has in her hand a bunch of sketches she found in the trash and tells Richard that these particular sketches are for the designs Jane claims are hers. She goes on to tell Richard that she fears she (Jo) may have accidentally picked up Jane's sketches when she dropped off the photographs. Looking straight at Richard, Jo says, "I need to know - did you draw these?" Richard tells her, "I told you before, I didn't steal anything from her" and then lies and says the sketches are his, but Jo doesn't look too convinced.

Back at the MTV Beach House Party of Wedded Bliss, everyone is laughing and drinking and having a good time. Alison is guffawing with Matt and Alan while Sydney and Jake are humoring each other. Billy, odd man out and all alone, goes over to Alison and leads her to the middle of the floor where he announces, "I am asking Alison Parker to move in with me!" Ironically, all the extras are ecstatic about this but all the "regulars" like Amanda, Bobby, Sydney and Jake look pretty depressed about it. Alison tells Billy, "you're drunk" and "I'm not one of your clients" so Billy says, "OK, how about this: I love you - will you move in with me?" Before Alison can give a response, Kimberly walks in and announces that it's "bouquet time". Alison turns away from the crowd and, despite the fact that about 20 women have gathered to catch the bouquet, it conveniently manages to fly over all their heads and into the hands of Billy, who gives it to Alison. He then kisses her and, when he comes up for air says, "I'll take that as a yes" even though Alison looks less than enthused.

--written by Stacie and Danny

Amanda needs a friend and seeks comfort in Peter; Alycia accuses Peter of lying about his motives to destroy Bobby.