It's a bird, it's a plane, it's SuperPeter! Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! In last week's thrilling episode, SuperPeter was pushed over a railing by his arch nemesis, Mr. Mook, and fell two stories onto his neck. What's the damage? This week he's got a little booboo on his cheek and a sprained wrist. Luckily, the Bionic Peter fell on his titanium-reinforced wrist and left cheekbone! Another fortunate escape for our hero. So the forces of darkness are vanquished once more, and SuperPeter is free to get back to doing what he does best, manipulating others. Noticing that both Amanda and Alycia have shown up at the hospital to tend to his wounds, Peter frantically pages Michael to come and get rid of them both. Meanwhile, Peter gives a statement to the police about Mr. Mook's lawless deeds. Michael makes a hasty exit to the corridor, where Amanda and Alycia are standing around trying to see who can make their eyebrow arch higher. Michael tells them that Peter's in X-ray right now, and they don't need to stick around. Neither is willing to let the other claim the field, so they both decide to stay. "Wow, Peter's own private harem," says Dr. Mike. "I don't know if that makes him cursed, or unbelievably lucky." Um, do I get a guess?

Meanwhile, in the MookCave, the sinister Bobby Parezi is confronted with the terrifying specter of Sydney, who has appeared in his house somehow. Maybe she climbed in the window? Anyway, Bobby doesn't seem to have let her in, because he keeps asking why she's here. Bobby's been around for a while now, but he doesn't seem to have caught on to the patented Melrose shamelessness yet -- for some reason, he feels responsible for pushing Peter to his possible death. He goes out to set things right, with Sydney tagging along behind him urging him not to do anything even stupider. Like that's ever stopped him before! No, sir, our boy Bobby is never satisfied; he'll just keep doing stupider and stupider things until his head explodes. Bobby yells, "Get out of my way, Sydney. I'm touched by the concern, even though it makes no sense at all!" You know, it makes it a lot easier when Bobby writes my commentary for me. Thanks, Bob! Sydney explains, "I know what it's like to be trampled by that bunch -- Peter, Amanda, the courtyard crew. You look around one day and realize they're the only friends you've got. And that's when you're in real trouble." Cue the police, who show up and slam Bobby face down on his car and cuff him. Actually, considering this is the LAPD, they're surprisingly gentle; I was expecting them to club him like Rodney King. Sydney, clearly under the impression that she's Bobby's new defense lawyer, cries, "Leave him alone; it was an accident!" Bobby, who knows a bad penny when he sees one, urges her to stay out of it. Sydney stands in his driveway and watches the police car take off, and it looks like it's gonna be another long night...

So who let Kimberly near the knives? She's home chopping vegetables for breakfast when Michael comes home from the hospital. Since Peter sprained his wrist, Michael has to cover all of his surgeries, so he has to go back to the hospital soon. Kim asks if Michael just came home to change, and Michael pointedly asks if he should expect anything else. He spits out a derisive comment about "that fiasco last night," saying, "It's funny, I always thought our sexual fantasy games would include, say... me." Kimberly helpfully explains, "I just got confused. It's weird, that's all," so I guess she's been watching Richard and Jane's storyline too. But now she's over her confusion: "Let me prove it to you." She kisses him and they fall onto the couch together. Michael the hound dog is happy again; as long as he's having regular sex, he doesn't care what's happening. What's a few psychotic episodes between friends, anyway?

And speaking of psychotic episodes, let's check in on our possessed friend Billy, who starts the day dumping all of his client files on Alison's desk. Since landing Midnight Sun Vodka and Three Point Shoes, he's giving all his little accounts to Alison. Little accounts... so that would be, like, the Keebler elves, the Ti-D-Bowl man, and Mikey the Life kid, right? Billy says that Alison is best at juggling the easy, small accounts. "And what's your specialty?" asks an insulted Alison. "Stealing big-ticket accounts from unsuspecting colleagues?" Billy says he did it for the company, but she's not having it. She gives him another dose of Alison's Tough Love: "Billy, would you listen to yourself? It's so obvious what's going on here. You're not only acting like Brooke, you've become her." Except, of course, that Billy's working really hard and Brooke never worked a day in her life. Billy isn't interested in this impromptu therapy session and gets back to his hard-nosed corporate lifestyle, leaving Alison to wonder what she's going to do with all these new accounts.

David, who is apparently unaware that there are any other gay men in the universe, shows up to pester Matt again and what's with all the David close-ups? I could play connect-the-dots with the moles on his face. David pretends to commiserate about Alan's sham wedding, but Matt is working the denial route -- Alan made a choice to get married, so Matt made a choice too, to get on with his life. David doesn't understand the concept of getting on with one's life, so he says that Alan can't get away with this charade. Matt should sell the story to the tabloids. Saint Matt is shocked -- shocked, I tell you, shocked -- and says that Alan will be punished enough without his help. He leaves David to stew alone about it. You know, David is really more interested in this whole scenario than either Matt or Alan. Looks to me like this boy is in serious need of a new hobby. I hear stamp collecting is nice.

Peter shows up late to a lunch date with Alycia, which any good therapist (translation: not Kimberly) will tell you is a passive-aggressive way of trying to assert some control. He says he's tired of this whole storyline: "I've had it; I can't keep pretending we're having a real relationship, no matter how much you blackmail me." As if he can just call off blackmail because he feels like it. Alycia patiently reminds him what the whole blackmail concept is all about, telling him that if he stops pretending, she'll tell Amanda about what they did to Bobby. Anyway, it's all down to business at this point -- she needs $2 million for the takeover. "What if this charade, as you call it, is up for sale?" She tells him that two million will buy his freedom, and then leaves without even having appetizers. Doesn't anyone ever finish a meal around here? Why do they bother meeting in a restaurant at all?

Sydney writes out a check for $2500 to bail Bobby out, and for some reason, the police accept a rubber check from a woman dressed in a bright blue coat with a pattern that looks like wood paneling. Bobby is released and is amazed to see that Sydney is the one to help him, as if he has any other friends. He asks why she's doing this, and she tells him, "Just think of me as your guardian angel. Give and give and give and ask nothing in return." Bobby sighs, "I'm too tired to know or even care," which is so true that he ought to print it on a T-shirt and wear it in every scene. Syd leads him home on a leash. I found him at the pound, Mom, can I keep him?

Speaking of people too tired to care, Jo slumps on a barstool and downs booze like it's going out of style. Alcohol completely makes her lose touch with her brain -- and doesn't it always? -- and pretty much every line she says in the entire scene has no relation to any conversation she may be having at the time. Let's watch, shall we? Jo confesses to Jake, who really couldn't care less, that she misses being in a relationship with Richard. Jake says he doesn't understand how a jerk like Richard can dump all over everyone, and Jo will still love him, and Jane will still hire him. But it's all too complicated for his simple simian brainpan, so he just shrugs and says he figures Jane can fight her own battles. Jo's neurons start misfiring and she blurts out, "God, open your eyes, Jake! Everyone has a dark side, even Saint Jane. She did not hire him because she's full of compassion." Jake doesn't know what she's talking about; Jane hired Richard with no strings attached. Jo snorts and says, "Yeah. Like Pinocchio was ever a real boy." Jake gives her a quizzical look and says "What?" I know how he feels. Daphne, could you stay on script here? The rest of us are on page forty-two. Jo just stumbles on: "Richard has never been able to stand on his own two feet; now is no exception." Jake is still puzzled by this little trip to Non Sequitur Land. Jo, mercifully cutting the conversation short, says, "Good night, Jake, before I say another word." Yeah, you do that, babe. We'll take the scene from the top again tomorrow.

Meanwhile, at another restaurant set, Billy is having dinner with the sleazy mud-wrestling Vodka Man. Amanda happens to be at the same restaurant with Peter, who I thought was banned from ever seeing Amanda, so that shows how much I know about the world of blackmail. Apparently it's sort of a casual arrangement. Amanda asks Peter not to press charges against Bobby for his assault; then they'll be free of him forever, as if leaving him free to walk the streets makes him _less_ likely to run into them again. Peter agrees, and asks why Amanda keeps looking over at Billy. She tells him Billy's having dinner with Leif Thomason, the owner of Midnight Sun Vodka and the shrewdest businessman to ever slip a twenty dollar bill into a woman's cleavage. Billy's already got the account, and Amanda doesn't understand why he keeps pushing. Peter says he'll find out -- he'll go over there, and Amanda should interrupt them in 90 seconds. Peter butts in on Billy and Leif's dinner chatter and introduces himself to Leif, who is obviously uncomfortable having dinner in a restaurant where the waitresses keep all their clothes on. Peter invites himself to sit down and clumsily introduces the topic of investments, somehow bringing the conversation around to needing an investor in the cable company. Leif, ever the corporate genius, practically signs away two million dollars without knowing anything at all about the company or the fact that it's currently bankrupt. Amanda interrupts on cue, and she drags Peter away. Leif asks Billy what he thinks of the cable company as an investment, and Billy says it's okay as long as he gets a piece of the action. I'm sorry, Billy, but didn't you start out writing for Teen Beat magazine? How did you become such a financial whiz kid all of sudden? I'm bored with all this wheeling and dealing; get back to the sex! C'mon, where's the mud-wrestling pit? On their way out, Amanda asks Peter what he found out about what Billy's up to. Peter answers that Billy's not up to anything, he's just trying to keep a big fish happy. Yeah. Like Pinocchio was ever a real boy. Thus ends the second restaurant scene in this episode without a speck of food in sight.

Back at the beach house, Kimberly wakes up alone on the couch, the musky scent of satisfied hound dog all over her. This snaps her into Betsy-mode, and she jumps up, buttoning her blouse. "Shame on you, Kimberly! Look at this place!" she yells, as she begins to straighten up with obvious distaste. "Oh, it's disgusting! Filthy! Filthy lust on the couch! Michael is a bad, bad man!" Unable to bear it, Betsy pulls the couch out through the sliding doors onto the deck. "Kimberly makes the mess, Betsy cleans up after her," she mutters as she tips the couch up and over the deck railing onto the beach below. So fa, so good! Grabbing some lighter fluid from the barbecue, she douses the couch and then lights it aflame. She stands on the beach and watches the upholstery burn. Well, that's one way to redecorate, I guess.

The next morning, Michael comes home from the hospital. Kimberly, back to her "normal" old self, sits on the deck and looks forlornly at the Cajun-blackened loveseat lying on the beach. She greets him warmly, trying to distract him, but he asks, "Where the hell is the couch? The potted plant is a clever disguise, but tough to watch a ballgame from." She pretends she's just redecorating, and is ordering a new couch. Meanwhile, she offers to make him breakfast in bed while they still have some furniture left. He says he'll join her, but then looks down and sees what is clearly the charred remains of their couch. He asks what happened, and she says that last night some kids were having a bonfire. Michael stares at the ashes, obviously wondering why a bonfire would have springs in it.

Bobby returns to his office and finds Alycia sitting at his desk. She reminds him that the office isn't his anymore, and she hasn't been taking his calls because it would be a conflict of interest. She can't be associated with him right now. You know, a lawyer did this to me once too. You just can't trust them lawyers; they're always trying to take over companies. He asks for his check, but she tells him that the FCC has frozen his assets [insert obvious joke here] while they're investigating his involvement with the senator. Hey, is this more financial stuff? Good grief. My eyelids start drooping, but then Bobby picks up the scene by banging his huge fists down on the desk and shouting how he put everything he had in this company. Then he pitches a full-blown tantrum, hurling a paperweight at some ugly modern art at the wall, shoving Alycia's papers off the desk, and knocking over a filing cabinet. Boy, the furniture's really taking a beating in this episode. It's Dr. Bobby and Mr. Hyde; prop walls beware! Sydney pops in and warns him: "Do you think I can afford to bail you out again? Besides, I'm double-parked in the white zone." Alycia is amazed that Sydney bailed him out, but Sydney said she had to, "only because his so-called other friends seemed to have vaporized off the planet." Alycia tells Bobzilla to get out. Sydney takes Bobby's arm, who's still too tired to know or even care, and I just don't blame him. On his way out, Bobby maliciously punches the door. You know, when relationships go sour, it's always the furniture that gets hurt. Sad, really.

At D&D, Billy has transformed into some kind of investment advisor, and Leif the Creepy Vodka Man signs a check for two million dollars and asks Billy to give it to Peter. He leaves, and Amanda wanders by and asks what Billy's playing at now. "I just landed a great account," Billy says, explaining that once Leif has a share in the cable company, he'll give all the advertising to D&D. Now, if I remember correctly, they already had this account when Amanda was dating Bobby, until about two weeks ago, so I don't really see what all the hoo-ha's about. Amanda correctly tells him that the cable company is a mess, and she doesn't see why it's a good thing to be tied to that sinking ship. But apparently she no longer has any control over her employees, and Billy orders her to show up for the celebration dinner tomorrow. She should also probably eat first, because it's likely that someone will stalk out before the meal is served. For some reason, Amanda still puts up with this, although if I were her, Billy would look a lot like Kimberly's couch right now. You are SO fired!

Kimberly finds Peter at the hospital and asks the surgeon for a brief psychiatric consultation. She pulls him into a nearby empty room and tells him, "It's happening again, Peter. Weird things, things I can't control." Peter asks for an example, so Kimberly tells him, "Last week I dressed up in clothes I don't remember buying, called myself Betsy, and ordered hundreds of dollars worth of Tupperware." That sounds pretty bad, but then she tells him about her sofacide, which really worries her. She lied to Michael this morning about it; "I don't know whether he bought it or not." Um, Kimberly? That would be a no. "If anyone finds out about it, I'll lose everything. Michael. My career." Peter is very concerned for her, because obviously it would be a real tragedy if a little thing like barbecuing her home furnishings put an end to such a promising psychiatric career. He says they need to watch out for her episodes -- good eye, Peter! -- and gives her a prescription for some medication. What medication is that, Pete, Vitamin C? This chick doesn't need some pills, she needs a brain transplant. After all, I hear Jo has one she hasn't been using lately.

And speak of the devil, here comes Jake into Jo's apartment for another of their helpful chats. Jake breaks the ice by accusing Jo and Richard of trying to ruin Jane's life again. Jo says she didn't mean what she said last night because she was drunk, and besides, she'd left her brain in her other pants. "Bad excuse," Jake spits. "You're still in love with him, I think you'd do anything to get him back." Jo gets mad and decides to give Jake "a dose of reality." This particular dose involves showing him the photos of Jane holding the torch up to the sprinkler, momentarily forgetting that this is what she was using to blackmail Jane in the first place. Jake just shakes his head, amazed that for once he's the smartest person in his storyline. "You people are so screwed up," he mutters. Jo insists, "Yeah, maybe we are, but you can't say anything!" Like she can start a bus rolling over a cliff and then just step on the brakes in midair. Jake scoffs: "Oh, sure, another secret. Jane, the woman I love, flooded a building, but just ignore that. Whether you know it or not," -- and she doesn't, Jake, she honestly doesn't -- "you just blew this thing wide open." He stalks out, leaving Jo behind to wonder why she's the worst blackmailer in the history of the world.

Sydney comes to Amanda's door and its apparent that not only do they have Bobby in common but also an affinity for tight little sweaters. She demands that Amanda drop the charges against Bobby when the only thing she should be demanding is for a new costumer. Amanda tells her that Peter is already on it. By this point, the ultra close-ups in this scene are making Gryphon dizzy and then he remembers that this episode is directed by Anson Williams (a.k.a. "Potsy" from "Happy Days") who's trying to mimic the success of his costar Ron "Apollo 13" Howard. Amanda asks why Syd is so involved with Bobby anyway. Sydney goes on about how she's Bobby's real woman blah blah blah...I'm too busy looking into her gaping pores because the camera's so damn close. Anyway, Amanda says, "Listen you little twit, you haven't a clue as to what you're getting involved in. I had a momentary flash of compassion - fortunately its passed." The door slams, the lens shatters and so does my glass eye.

At Wilshire Memorial, the Granny Gums nurse is at her nosy best when she spots an article in the National Inquisitor (get it?) that reads "Soap Star's Secret Life: Alan Ross Spotted at Nightclub with Gay Friend". Granny then dramatically alerts Matt. In a gracious whim of chance, David comes around the corner and Matt nabs him to have one of their famous corridor chats. Matt accuses David of calling the tabloid. David is angered and suggests that maybe one of Alan's past lovers like Richard Simmons, Rip Taylor, or other TV gays did it. David tells Matt that he's sick of Matt whining to him whenever Alan treats him like trash. David orders "Leave me out of it!" and storms off. Matt stares off thinking, "I never asked you to butt in in the first place" and, "Oh no! I just lost the second and last person that I interact with on the show!"

Peter hands Alycia a check for two million dollars (Demi Moore went for only a million) and tells her that Vodka Collins is her new partner. He adds, "End of charade. I'm free." As he walks away, Alycia tells him, "For what its worth, I loved you once." Peters says, "I know you did." and I thought he should have added "But your forehead was coming between us."

At a big buyers convention party, Jo shmoozes with Richard telling him how nice it is to see him on his feet and Gryphon thinks how nice it is to see him so minimally. Jane comes up to ask the two most unlikely people she'd keep as friends if they've seen her man. Richard tells her he's at the bar and obviously dealing with something. Jane skips over to the bar to find an already drunk Jake (actually we wouldn't have known he was drunk if he hadn't said so). Jake gives Jane a quip about how he's avoiding the "Jane Train" and if he were any more intoxicated, he'd tell her off. Jane asks him where this is coming from. Jake responds, "I'll tell you where its going...nowhere." Bald and bewidered, Jane wanders off. Enter brunette slut! She introduces herself as Claire Duncan. The two flirt (this is Jake the human trampoline). Claire makes it obvious with a few tacky lines too lame to repeat that she wants to jump Jake and gives him her room key. Jake digs down deep and recalls all the love that he and Jane shared and waits about a heartbeat before he catches the elevator up to Claire's room. He passes Richard in the lobby who looks on with smug interest... or bored indifference (Patrick Muldoon and Andrew Shue must have had the same acting coach). Jake enters Claire's room to find a lingerie clad Claire with hair and make-up by Elvira. Jake asks, "No strings attached?" and Claire answers, "Just these" while holding the tiny strands holding up her nighty which she promptly slips off. Cue cheezy guitar music.

The morning after at Shooters, Jane walks in to smooth things over with Jake. Jake tells her that even though he was drunk last night (but not so drunk that he couldn't perform with slut's-her-name) he meant what he said. Jane wants to know why he has turned on her and he reveals his knowledge of the fashion flood. Jane admits that she was wrong but that she acted on impulse. We're treated to more close-ups in which we discover just how purple Jane's eyeshadow is. Jane tells Jake, "I love you." Jake answers, "Jane..." and just when you think he's going to say "...get away from me you bald bitch who puts on her make-up with a butterknife" he says "...I love you." As they embrace, Jane promises never to lie again because Jake has always been honest with her. Jake looks off with guilt.

Matt is frying up some goodies when Alan knocks on his door. Alan tells him that he cut his trip short and that it was him who told the tabloid about himself. Matt is stunned because for once, the man we all know as Rudeboy is being sweet and sincere. Alan goes on to say that Gloria fired him so his Symphony Pathetique is complete. Matt says, "Umm...duh hmm..dahhh" Alan finishes by asking Matt to think about giving him another chance and given that psycho at the hospital is no longer on speaking terms, Alan looks pretty good.

Amanda exits her abode in a slinky red dress to be greeted by an ever smug Peter. He tells her that the charges against Bobby have been dropped. He then suggests that they go out for their "long overdue reconciliation." Amanda tells him that even though she's grateful for all that he's done, she is not a doorprize. Peter tries to blame her behavior on her fear of intimacy but Amanda says its her fear of dishonesty citing Peter's plan to have Vodkaman invest in the cable company. She tells him she just attracts dishonest men saying, "You fit into that category... hell you *own* it." Billy comes out in a fine penguin suit and as a huffy Peter exits, Alison enters to make this poolside venture drag on even longer. Alison looks at the trendy two and jokes, "Doesn't this bring back memories?" Billy assures her that its business. Amanda goes back to her apartment to get some file (and some condoms, no doubt). Alison takes the opportunity to ask Billy why he has changed so. Billy says, "What if I told you Brooke's ghost visited me and cursed me to become just like her?" (oh yeah.. that was a storyline... I forgot because so did the writers) Alison answers, "You could find a way back if you really wanted to." Billy tells her that he doesn't and wishes her "a nice night in front of the TV". (Like I am now... pathetically hooked on this.)

Jake comes into Jane's workshop, narrowly dodging the V-6 engine hanging from the ceiling, to tell her that dinner is ready and also to make a move. Jane tells him that they're not alone; her new assistant is there. Enter brunette slut! (That sounds familiar). Jane introduces Claire as her new assistant. Claire and Jake play like they have never met. After Claire leaves, Jake and Jane resume their favorite pasttime - making us gag - but Jake looks off with anxiety.

Meanwhile, Michael and Kimberly sleep peacefully at the beach house. "Betsy" wakes up and is disgusted that she's in bed with Michael (can you blame her?). Betsy is such a popular storyline that she requires her own creepy underscored theme. Betsy thinks aloud, "Kimberly might like pigs but I don't." (So I guess she won't be rooting for "Babe" to win Best Picture at the Oscars this year). She grabs a very large Glenn Close knife from the kitchen, raises the covers and closes her eyes obviously disturbed by the genital damage that Michael must have sustained from various STD's. Just when it looks like Betsy is going to pull a Lorena Bobbitt, Michael wakes up (bummer) and Kimberly returns. She hides the knife and lies about hearing a noise outside. Michael gets up to investigate and Kim puts the knife not back in the kitchen, but in her top drawer with all her delicates. Hmmm...nobody will find it there and question you later! Kimberly looks distressed and realizes that even she can't afford her therapy rates so its just a matter of time before she develops enough personalities to be able to do the entire show by herself.

--written by Danny and Gryphon

Kimberly comes into Peter's office dressed like a Hell's Angel and tells him that all is well when its obvious that she's not herself. Claire tells Jane that she and Jake slept together and Jane confronts Jake. Claire is revealed to be working for Richard. Amanda tells Alison that she is not going to lose the Billy game and the two are seen getting it on.