We start out with Amanda somehow slipping into another decade, and while she's there, she decides to visit the St. Dennis Club. She goes up to the evil troll man who guards the front entrance and tells him she's there to see Arthur Field. The troll tells her -- get this -- that women are not allowed on the premises. Excuse me? My watch must have stopped; what year is this again? Well, one of Amanda's little rules is not to take any guff from trolls, so she just busts right in and finds the guy she's looking for. The world ends. No, it doesn't really, but you'd think it did from the way the troll is reacting. Arthur Field waves the troll away, saying that Amanda works for him. Now, see, I had been led to believe that Amanda ran D&D up until this very minute, but now this guy has been beamed down from the Planet of Lost Bosses and he seems to be in charge of things, so Amanda plays along. She says that her contract renewal hasn't been signed, and he promises that it's the next thing on his busy docket. Meanwhile, he wants to talk to her about Billy, who he describes as "quite an asset to D&D." Field wants Amanda to do the little asset a favor -- the Coastal Advertising Conference opens tomorrow, and he wants Billy to give the keynote address. Amanda says she'd planned to give the speech, as she does every year, because, as we know, D&D is the only advertising firm in the world. Field tells her that he wants Amanda to help push Billy into orbit -- which sounds great to me! Does he have to wear a space suit? Then Field dismisses Amanda, telling her that if she doesn't skedaddle, he'll get in trouble with the troll master, and the club might be forced to comply with federal regulations about gender discrimination or something ridiculous like that.

Amanda returns to D&D, where Billy has clearly begun to receive messages from the mothership, because he knows that Field wants him to give the keynote speech. And he's so excited about it, you'd think it was actually something important in the world. Amanda tells him she hasn't decided yet, and she reminds Billy of his place by asking him to bring her a cup of coffee, which he doesn't do because he's too busy being annoying. Amanda reminds him that the keynote speech will be on ethics, which isn't really Billy's cup of tea these days. Alison wanders by, and Amanda decides to let Alison give the keynote speech. Alison is flabbergasted and thanks Amanda for the honor. As Amanda walks on, Billy protests that Field promised the speech to him. Alison apologizes, saying she didn't know. "The hell you didn't," Billy says, staring straight ahead and tuning in more messages from space that tell him to kill Alison! Kill her now!

Michael wakes up with his wife Kimberly, who happens to have a split personality which he hasn't really noticed yet. Kimberly awakes firmly in the role of Betsy, who is revolted by Michael pawing her flannel nightgown. He moves his hands down to her crotch, and she tenses up. "Hey, I thought marriage was a physical contact sport," he says. "Why am I in the penalty box here?" Michael, of course, is such a hound dog that he can't deal with not having sex every day. If his wife doesn't feel like making monkey love the first second they wake up, it's a major relationship issue. And isn't that true for everyone? He asks what he's doing wrong, and says they need to get some excitement back into their lives. (You know, if I was living with Kimberly, I sure wouldn't wish for excitement.) Betsy decides to submit to her husband's wanton lusts, and stretches out stiff as a board so that he can have his nasty way with her. After all, she can always burn the sheets later and smash the bed into pulp. Dog Boy displays unusual sensitivity and realizes that she's not really into it right now, so he exits stage right and heads for a cold shower. Kimberly sits up and runs a hand through her hair, which is her secret batty-signal. (Coincidentally, it means the same thing when Dennis Miller does it!) The spooky music starts up, and Kim whispers to herself, "You blew it, Betsy. Now it's my turn. And Rita knows how to take care of her man." She jumps out of bed and into the shower with Michael, offering to soap his back. "Whoa baby, I like how you soap!" Michael cries. I swear he says that.

Jake stops by Jane's garage design studio and finds the ghoulish Claire, who complains that she's been calling him for two days and is starting to suspect that he's avoiding her. He explains that he's avoiding her, because she's creepy looking and he's frightened of her. He whines that they had one great night, but she promised him no complications. Now she's shown up to work for Jane. Claire shrugs and says that she met Jane at the conference and Jane offered her a job, apparently without checking her references or asking if she'd ever slept with her boyfriend. Jake says that he's in a relationship with Jane, but Claire is fine with that -- it'll make their time together more special. She tries to grab hold of him but he pulls away, just in time for Jane to walk in with an armful of fabrics, prattling about some deadline as if she thinks she has any clients. Claire vanishes, and Jake tries to admit to Jane that he slept with Claire... but she doesn't really pay attention, and the moment is lost. By the way, if Jane goes out of business, where do you go after you've worked out of a garage? Will her next studio run out of a shoebox in her closet?

That big ol' advertising conference has begun, and Alison rehearses her speech for Amanda: "Every ad exec must fight the urge to violate ethical principles, but we all stumble. I do, you do, my CEO does." But Alison is shocked -- shocked! -- when Amanda informs her that under no circumstances should she announce at a national conference that Amanda has "stumbled." Alison is having a problem wrapping her brain around that concept, so let's move on to Billy, who meets up with his good friend Dennis, who he chummily refers to as a "bottom feeder." Dennis smugly tells Billy that he's about to land "one great celebrity" for his agency -- Julie Newmar, who's making a comeback. Don't remember Julie Newmar? Don't worry, nobody does. She played Catwoman on the old Batman series, and she also played... um... well, hardly anyone, really. But the aliens are fully in control of Billy's brain at this point, so he's very impressed with Dennis' coup. Julie is signed on to do a series of ads for Dennis' agency focusing on family appeal and "real wholesome values." They apparently haven't figured out a product for her to advertise yet, but whatever it is, you can bet it'll have real wholesome values. Then the crowd parts and some absurdly tall lizard woman with white streaks at her temples shows up. Good heavens, it's Julie Newmar, who apparently just crawled out of her bog. She greets Dennis with some kind of weird accent that she must have picked up from the Midnight Sun Vodka man, and Billy treats her like she's an actual celebrity, going so far as to call himself a fan. Julie doesn't know what he's selling, but apparently her many facelifts haven't begun to affect her brain yet, because she's not buying. Good move, Jule.

Kimberly arrives at Peter's office for their consultation, all decked out in a black leather jacket, black fingernails and black lipstick. Meet Rita, Kim's brand new personality, which she seems to really enjoy. She tells Peter she's feeling all better now -- that whole Betsy thing was just some role-playing, but now she's just hunky-dory. Peter has no patience for this foolishness, and says that she's obviously still having problems. She insists that she's not a danger to herself or anyone else, and tosses him back his bottle of magic pills. He tells her he doesn't think she's ready to go off her medicine -- which has obviously been oh so effective for her so far -- but she tells him she needs his support. "You see, those pills deaden my senses," she hisses, "and I need to get in touch with my real feelings." Peter finally agrees, but says that at the first sign of trouble, she'll go back to her medication. Yeah, good plan, Dr. Demento. What would the first sign of trouble be exactly -- blowing up a building? Peter leaves the new juvenile delinquent alone, who smiles and murmurs, "Doctors are such idiots."

Sydney shows up at Alycia's office at the cable company. Sydney has appointed herself Bobby Parezi's personal assistant, and she's come to ask Alycia to give Bobby a job: "Bobby knows this company inside and out; you couldn't even begin to fill his pants." Well, that's Melrosian logic for you; when someone gets forced out of his company, the first thing that happens is that he's immediately rehired so that he can begin to plot his revenge. I've seen it with Alison and I've seen it with Jane and Richard, so here we go again. Alycia doesn't seem to grasp the principle, and she refuses to jump on the idiot train with Sydney. Sydney points out that someone set Bobby up to take the fall, and Alycia's the one who seems to have benefitted from the entire operation. Alycia says that it was Bobby's father who set him up; everyone knows that. Sydney points out that if that's true, Alycia should have no problem rehiring him. Alycia cautions Sydney not to overplay her hand and promises to think about it. And Alycia hasn't thought very much recently, so it's going to take a while to jumpstart her brain again.

At the defunct Richard Hart Designs, Richard is still packing up the office. The place closed weeks ago, but I guess he's a slow packer. He's visited by the eerie specter of Claire, and he asks her if she's done what she's supposed to do. She admits that Jake is honest and won't cheat on Jane, although he did sleep with her once at the conference. He owes her a bonus for seducing Jake so fast -- "but he's got the guilts now, so he won't touch me, period, exclamation point." Wow, who would have guessed that Claire was literate? This girl is just full of surprises. Richard urges Claire to lie to Jane, telling her that she sleeps with Jake every day at lunch. Richard is really getting into this whole thing a little too much, but what do you expect -- it's that alien mind control thing I mentioned before. But even he can't match the madness of her next offer: "I tell you what... for an extra fifty, I'll jump Jane's bones." Um, Claire, is this your career? Your mother must be so proud. Richard just nods and smiles and seems happy with the whole negotiation. Remember, kids, Kimberly is the only character who _officially_ has three personalities. Everyone else is just putting in overtime on their own.

Claire returns to the garage from whence she came. Jane is working hard and jumping around like a happy little bumblebee, so Claire takes this opportunity to "confess" that she and Jake are having an affair. Jane doesn't believe it, but then Jake shows up, and like the dope he is, he confirms it. He says that it only happened once, but it didn't mean anything, and it's not an affair. Jane won't take this: "Jake, you were with me and then with her. What do you call it, double dating?" Jake says that it was the night they were fighting, and Jane asks if he thinks that makes it okay. "No," Jake admits. Boy, he always knows just the perfect thing to say, doesn't he? You know, this is the one time on Melrose when denial might actually have been helpful, but George Washington Hansen over here seems genetically incapable of lying. "Well, I hope you and your little tramp are very happy together," Jane spits and stalks out, yelling "You're fired, bitch!" on the way. Jake glares at Claire, who shrugs and goes back to TV-movies or whatever she was doing before this.

Cut back to Richard -- who's still packing! This boy just doesn't know the meaning of "be out by twelve," does he? Richard stands around and stares at a row of naked silver mannequins like he's been elected King of the Androids. Then Jo, the original Glutton for Punishment, stops by -- and look, she's brought sandwiches! "I got some sandwiches, I thought we might talk," she says. About what, dear? "We've been through a lot lately," she explains, "and you've seemed pretty remote. I don't know where we stand." Excuse me, um, Jo? It's called Breaking Up. You did it about two weeks ago. Did the alien mind control make you forget, or have you not been reading the script again? And where did you get those sandwiches? She says she's willing to give it one last chance. He barks that she's being preachy, just like she was when she gave him the speech when he was engaged to Jane. "You didn't love her. She didn't love you," Jo says. Well, one or the other, Jo. One out of two ain't bad. Richard, who is determined to be a pod person version of himself today, tells her, "Marriage is a business, Jo. And my business folds without a designer." He grabs the sandwiches and hurls them against the wall -- "Do you think that I want a life of peanut butter and jelly? I want caviar, I want lobster, I want style in my life!" Go, Richard! Death to sandwiches! Jo sneers that Richard would do anything to win. "You just figured that out?" he smirks. "I always win." You call this winning, Richard? You fired your entire staff, there's sandwich marks on the wall, and you're barely hanging on to the last shreds of your storyline. Well, you know best. Jo tries to score a point by telling him Jane set off the sprinklers at his show, but he's impressed: "She had the stones to do that? I gotta hand it to old Jane." Jo is shocked: "You are a putrid excuse for a human being." She pushes his file box over -- hey, it took him two days to pack that box! -- and yells, "I can't believe I left Jake for you!" "I can't believe you're still here," Richard responds. So which Richard is this one again? At least Kimberly helpfully calls each of her personalities by a different name so we can tell them apart.

Alison and Billy sit in the lobby of the conference's hotel. Alison is still working hard on that keynote speech: "I decided to define it intuitively. Ethics is listening with your conscience." Billy is staring off into space again, listening to his alien masters who keep trying to convince him that Julie Newmar is an actual celebrity. Billy comes out of the trance and mentions Julie -- "She's totally charming. I can't figure out why she retired." Alison knows the score: "Age is just one more glass ceiling. You can be the most beautiful, talented woman in the world" -- which Julie Newmar is not, by the way -- "and when you hit forty, adios." Alison complains that Julie plays her TV too loud; her room is next to Julie's, and the TV kept Alison up half the night. Billy wonders how Dennis landed such a catch. Then the catch of the day herself stumbles into the lobby, looking abnormally tall and gaunt, as usual. Billy gets up before he has to listen to any more of Alison's speech, and he paces around behind Julie and Dennis, who are discussing secret business very loudly on the couch in the middle of the lobby. Dennis has brought Julie an envelope full of photos, and Julie reminds him, in her strange Deanna Troi accent, "Iff the tabbloirds effer get hold off these photors, you carn kiss my shnow-white comeback girdbye." Or something to that effect. He tells her she's talking to Mr. Mum's-the-Word, and gives her the only existing copies of the photos. As soon as she signs the contract, she'll get her first paycheck. "Eiff neffer been paid so leetle!" Julie protests, but Mr. Mum assures her that as soon as she's back in the public eye, her price will skyrocket. Yeah right. That chick is one scary mamma jamma and everybody knows it.

Abracadabra, presto-changeo, poof! Now Bobby's an airplane mechanic. Yes, he's gone from mobster hitman to clean-as-a-whistle president of a cable company to airplane mechanic, all in the space of six months. Sydney, who currently has no visible means of support herself, comes to visit Bobby at the cleanest airplane hangar I've ever seen in my life. Bobby himself doesn't have a speck of dirt or grease on his huge body; I guess his new boss is Felix from The Odd Couple. He tells Sydney he loves his new job, even though he's never showed any aptitude or interest in anything like this ever before. But we know why, don't we, kids? It's that alien mind control once again. "Then this is what I want," Sydney burbles. "For you. Well, for you for me, that is. What I want." Bobby shakes his head: "What are you talking about?" She tells him she wants him to move in -- he's about to get evicted from his fabulous condo, so now he'll need a place to crash. He cocks an eyebrow and asks where he'll sleep, and she offers the sofabed. He says he hates those things, and she says, "No, no, it's for me. I love sofabeds. No, really." Anyone get the idea Sydney would do just about anything to get Bobby to move in with her? Hey, Syd, get down on all fours and bark like a dog. Fetch! Bobby smiles at her: "You really are cute, and I do appreciate everything you've done for me. But if I do this -- it has to be..." (He takes a minute to search his vocabulary database...) "... platonic." She says okay, then leads him away, arm in arm. Apparently he was only playing at being a mechanic for a while and he doesn't really have any, like, work to do or anything. After all, this is Melrose: rest stop for slackers.

Back at the hospital, Kimberly is talking to herself. In her office. In her underwear. "Okay, I'll just tell him," she decides. "Michael, I've become three different people. You see, sometimes I'm this woman Betsy, she's a dangerous prude. But then Rita, she's the strong one. She protects us from her. Have you ever read the book Sybil?" (No, but I've seen the new sitcom.) She shakes her head. "Michael, I'm going completely and totally insane again." You know, Kimberly is really going out of her way to make things easy for the Melrose viewer these days. Not only is she naming her mood swings, but now she's providing her own subtitles! Thanks, Kim! Her monologue is interrupted by Michael and a nurse, neither of whom notice that "Rita" decided not to wear a shirt to work today. Michael tells her that "some yo-yo" parked a motorcyle in her parking spot today. She tells him it's her bike -- which she received as a gift from our new alien masters, I suppose? -- and puts on her leather jacket. She breathes in his ear, "C'mon. Let's ride!" Michael gleefully walks away with her, saying, "So is this the biker chick picks up the doctor fantasy?" Jeez, Mike, can we stop thinking with our shorts for just a minute? You insist on interpreting your wife's severe mental problems as sexual role-playing. Do you have any other frame of reference?

Alison's been working that tiny brain of hers overtime today, trying to figure out an intelligent thing to say about ethics, and it's just tuckered her right out. So she's sprawled out on the bed of her hotel room, fast asleep. For some reason, Billy's also in her room, even though they supposedly hate each other these days. Billy makes sure she's sleeping, and then takes the opportunity to climb out on the ledge to sneak into Julie Newmar's room next door. He crawls across the wall like Spiderman and slips into the next window. All this for Julie Newmar. Of course, Julie's busy being a celebrity somewhere, so Billy is free to find the photos in a bright yellow envelope. He checks the photos out, obviously pleased with what he sees. Then he climbs back into Alison's room, dropping the photos on a chair under a towel. "I've got a little surprise for you when you wake up, Alison," he mutters, then splits.

The next morning, Alison answers the knock at her door and finds Amanda on her cellular phone talking with Arthur "I used to be in Power Station" Field. Art is bitching in her ear about her decision to give Alison the ethics speech and then threatens not to renew his contract with D & D unless Amanda gives the speech to Billy. Amanda hangs up and, after being cleverly maneuvered to a chair by BillStud, discovers the stolen Julie Newmar envelope. Alison doesn't have to feign her ignorance as she knows nothing about the envelope nor how it got there, but Billy offers, "We'll claim it was planted" and then tells Alison, "We'll cover for you". Alison and Billy then engage in a little "whinefest" which Amanda breaks up by telling them that the "ethical" thing to do is return the envelope to its rightful owner.

At Shooters (still the only bar/pool hall in all of LA) Jo drags herself in and, mustering all the energy she has, sits her sorry ass on a barstool. Jake (still the only bartender at the only bar/pool hall in all of LA) gives her a beer and the two proceed to discuss how "Richard Happens". Jo then rehashes her tired monologue about her bad luck with men but obviously forgets Jake was one of them as she then asks him to go away with her for a few days. Jake hesitates so Jo asks, "you really love her, don't you?" When Jake says yes, Jo unconvincingly says "lucky you" although it distinctly sounded like she said something else.

Julie Newmar shows up at Alison's hotel room as requested and Amanda hands her the stolen envelope. Ms. Newmar is outraged so Billy suggests she "trust her biggest fan" and I'd be willing to bet that, prior to last year's "To Wong Foo" movie, he never even heard the name Julie Newmar. BillStud jumps into action and tells Julie that the unsigned contract in her envelope stinks and offers to triple her current salary offer if she signs with D&D. To prove his point, he whips out a contract and hands it to her. Julie tells Billy, "For someone so young and charming, you certainly are so cold". But, noting that "she'd rather have someone like Billy with her than against her" (in addition to "all those extra zeros") she signs the contract and walks out. Amanda is clearly in shock but Alison is unimpressed and suggests Billy blackmailed Julie. Billy informs them both that he was exercising "good salesmanship". He then suggests that Alison bow out of the ethics speech since, after all, the envelope was discovered in *her* room. Seeing an opportunity to make Arthur happy, Amanda immediately sides with Billy and tells Alison it's in D&D's best interests that someone else give the speech - and who better than Billy? Alison protests this switch and accuses Billy of setting her up. Billy in turn tells Alison, "I just saved your bacon - a little thanks would be nice" so Alison obliges him by slapping him across the face and then saying "thank you". Billy takes his "cue to leave" and takes Amanda the "I can't think for myself Barbie doll" with him.

Later, Billy starts his big speech on a topic he no longer knows anything about - ethics - and tells his colleagues, "Sex is what sells... sex is our biggest lie... and lying is what we do best". Alison leaves the room and Billy continues, "I'm a liar and a thief and an empty shell. I've stolen accounts, plagiarized campaigns, lost every friend and lost every human impulse". And, for a moment, it seems the Billveeta of Yesteryear has returned. But not for long. Billy informs his half-comatose audience, "I'm a huge success, so it's all worth it" and then emphatically urges everyone, "Say it loud - I lie and I'm PROUD!!!" and I almost expected the theme song from "Rocky" to start playing. A strained silence fills the room as Billy takes his seat next to a mortified Amanda. Someone begins clapping, although it's probably because they're looking for their keys and not because they liked Billy's speech. The applause catches on, however, until finally the room is on its feet giving Billy a standing ovation. Amanda is notably relieved.

Even later, everyone is drinking and schmoozing when Amanda walks by and tells Billy she wants to "show him something" and leads him off to her room. Billy acts only mildly interested and notes that "he's seen this before". Amanda, obviously turned on by BillStud's power trip, continues seducing him until finally he consents. Holding Amanda's head like a soccer ball, Billy lowers himself on top of Amanda who whispers, "sex sells" and then stares at the ceiling looking suddenly disinterested.

Kimberly - or is it Rita - is in her office puffing on a cigar when Peter comes marching in. He tells her that he heard about her bike ride with Michael and he's concerned about her behavior, her appearance, her mood swings, and her hideous black nail polish. Peter tells Rita that he wants her back on her medication and wants her to resume her daily sessions with him. When she objects, Peter tells her that she'll do it or face being readmitted to the hospital. With that, he leaves, and Rita tosses the prescription bottle into the trash.

Jake is in his office at Shooters when Jane pays him a visit. She's having trouble with the "business part" of her business and notes, "Where's Richard when you need him?" Sensing Jane's frustration at screwing up her orders, Jake offers to "run interference" with Richard. Jane expresses her distrust in Jake so Jake informs her of his distrust in her and then the two start in on a long-winded mutual apology which all has me heading for the medicine cabinet looking for the Pepto Bismol. Jake tells Jane, "Sometimes I don't think" (Noooo, really?) and then says, "It's all about you... you're the one" which is usually what TV guys tell TV girls just before they ask them to marry them. They hug half-heartedly as if to say, "things between us are cool but only for the remainder of this episode".

Richard is packing up his office - STILL! - when Jake waltzes in and announces, "Richard Hart - down and out in Beverly Hills!" Richard counters with, "Did you come by to watch someone with breeding go under?" and now I'm convinced that Jake and Richard have the combined IQ of tofu. Jake tells Richard that Jane is having a hard time with her company and invites Richard to join her in a 50/50 partnership business deal. Despite Richard's request that Jane "dump Jake's sorry ass" he agrees and the two lugheads shake hands on it since each is too illiterate to draw up a contract.

Back at the Advertising Conference from Hell, BillStud is standing around with the other male chauvenist pigs smoking cigars. The conversation immediately turns to Billy's "conquest" with Amanda the previous evening. Billy, who is obviously one to "kiss and tell" tells the old horndogs, "Anything you can dream - it was better".

Meanwhile, back at Desperate and Dumbass, Alison is packing up her office when Amanda walks in. Alison informs Amanda that "everyone" was talking about her romp with Billy the previous evening to which Amanda retorts, "I do what I have to to get ahead - I intend to be the last one standing at the end of the game." Alison replies cooly, "Must be pretty hard to stand at all - you spend so much time on your back." Alison continues with her soapbox speech and calls Amanda on all her unethical BS. She finishes by telling Amanda that she's leaving D & D. As she walks out of her office, Alison turns to Amanda and asks, "You think you're gonna sneak into the big room in Billy's pocket?" When Amanda replies with some ludicrous remark about how Billy is "snugly in her pocket", Alison just rolls her eyes and walks out, clearly the victor (and the smarter of the 2) in this conversation.

--written by Danny and Stacie

No show next week, but in 2 weeks Billy gets a clue when he tells Amanda, "You were just using me!" and she replies, "That's the polite term for it". As we see scenes from Amanda's romantic involvements with several members of the cast (basically everyone except Matt) Mr. Voiceover tells us, "Amanda has always been the Queen of Treachery at Melrose Place, but in two weeks she'll get plenty of competition from Loni Anderson..." and then we see Loni Anderson getting cozy with Peter when he says, "I have to go to bed tonight" and she responds, "That's what I had in mind!" (Thanks to Sara Hodsden, Victoria Martin, Julian Vigo, Danny and Gryphon for helping me compile the previews)