Sydney dreams that she saves Bobby from being killed by mobsters, apparently by opening a door and bumping them into each other. Bobby swears his undying love for her. Waking back up to the reality of her life, Sydney finds new roommate Bobby complaining about how cold it is in her apartment. She invites him into her bed, where it's nice and warm, and didn't Sydney promise Bobby that *she* would be the one sleeping on the sofabed since she "loved it so much"?!?. Completely uninterested, Bobby reminds her, "I told you, we're roommates, nothing else." She tells him that if he wants to turn the heat up, the thermostat's behind the fridge. And here's a little household hint for Sydney -- you know, Syd, there are more convenient places to put a thermostat, like maybe under the sink or in someone else's apartment.

Kimberly has arranged a meeting with Peter out in the park. She's snapped back to her original personality like a rubber band (although one might wonder if this is a new "bad fashion sense" personality since everyone knows redheads should NEVER wear orange), and now she's concerned about her "mood swings" again. (Apparently Betsy and Rita are both sleeping right now, so she's able to talk about them behind their backs.) She confides in Peter that Michael is the most important thing in her life, but she's feeling really closed in right now and could use some time alone. It might also help if Michael didn't interpret her mental problems as sexual role-playing. Doctor Peter suggests that maybe she should actually talk to her husband about her problems, but pish-tush, that's not the way we do things around here. It's so much more fun to sneak around and keep secrets from our loved ones. Peter reluctantly agrees to get Michael away for a few days, but Kimberly needs to take her medication. She thanks him and dashes away, leaving Peter to wonder if maybe he should increase the dosage on that medication just a little.

At Dissed and Departing, Alison is on her way out, and there ain't no one who can stop her. While Alison packs up her desk, Amanda comes by and mumbles something unconvincing about how she valued Alison's work. Alison snaps that Amanda doesn't do any work herself -- "you're too busy angling, postitioning and selling any piece of yourself you can to get an edge. And it's too bad. Because I think you used to have talent." That's funny, I thought all that stuff WAS her talent. Amanda argues that she does what she has to do to deal with the boy's club that suddenly sprouted up within the last two episodes. Amanda calls Alison an amateur, and Alison says she'll stay that way "as long as being a pro is the same as standing on Sunset Boulevard flagging down tricks." Mee-rowr! That's pretty catty for someone who's making herself unemployed because her boss slept with her ex-boyfriend. On her way out, Alison has another catfight with a gloating Billy, who says he hopes she knows what she's doing. Alison looks deep into his eyes and puts on her Concerned Therapist voice, telling him that he's the one she's worried about. "Fine, Alison, okay!" Billy yells as she heads out the door. "I'm the one that's in the action, making things happen! You're nowhere! You're ridiculous!" Is anyone else thinking that the coffee at D&D might be a little strong these days?

Well, that was a little too much for me, let's slow the pace down for a moment and see what's happening with Jake and Jane, who are having a nice relaxing lunch at Shooter's. Jake tells Jane that he's been thinking about her design business and the fact that it's clearly going under. (Although, mind you, 2 weeks ago she couldn't fill the orders fast enough. This must be Melrose 2-week bankruptcy, sorta like Melrose 2-week stroke recovery in reverse). Gently moving the knife away from her wrists, Jake says that she has the talent; she just needs a partner to run the business. And he's got just the guy -- their nemesis, Richard! He tells her about his meeting with Richard, who's suddenly interested in going back into business with the woman he mocked and betrayed. Jane explodes in a sheet of flame, taking the entire county with her. She coldly informs Jake that despite her idiotic haircut, she does have her pride, and she'd rather not have her business run behind her back. She stalks out, leaving Jake to wonder what he could possibly have done wrong.

And speaking of businesses gone horribly awry, let's check in at the office of Burns-Mancini, where Peter is inviting Michael into his office for a chat. "Y'know, we've always had an unusual partnership," Peter observes. "Not always on the same wavelength." Michael instantly assumes that he's being fired, and he blusters about suing Peter. Peter calms his partner down, saying that he just wants to do something that will make them better partners -- even friends, as unlikely as that seems. He shows Michael an invitation he's received to judge a beauty pageant, "Miss Health and Fitness". The pageant, which is obviously an incredibly important event in the medical world, lasts THREE DAYS and will involve a lot of drinking, eating free food, and ogling pre-teens. "Besides, it's a bonding thing," Peter explains. And I'm sure Peter and Michael's patients can take care of themselves for a few days anyway. After all, the less Peter and Michael see their patients, the better off those patients are. Completely uncharacteristically, Michael declines the opportunity to schmooze with beautiful babes, saying that he doesn't need the temptation these days. Peter insists that they need to bond -- "It's a guy thing!" He's just as embarrassed about this as we are, by the way. Trust me on this one.

Jo comes home from a hard day's work at... well, nowhere, actually, and she sees a little boy in the courtyard chasing after a ball that's rolling into the pool. Jo rescues the boy from reaching for the ball, which is bobbing right up against the wall and could easily be picked up by anyone over the age of six months. Standing by helplessly is Laurie, a frog-faced woman (played by Justine Priestly, sister to "90210" star Jason) who seems to just be hanging out in the courtyard with her 6-year-old son Tyler (just what Melrose needs - a little boy. I thought Billy was enough). Laurie explains that she's an old friend of Sydney's from Chicago, and asks if Jo knows Sydney. KNOW her? Heck, this is Melrose Place, it's amazing that Jo hasn't married her. Tyler the boy wonder is apparently controlled by audio-animatronics like the Talking Lincoln at Disney World; he stands completely motionless and expressionless until it's time for him to deliver his cutesy line. And what a line it is -- I couldn't make most of it out, but it sounded to me like "You know, if you could be inside the ball, you could go anywhere -- on the ground, in the water." At least I think that's what he says. I can't be sure because it's such a bizarre non sequitur. Jo instantly recognizes Tyler as the only character on the show with less of a handle on the script than she has, so she invites the homeless pair upstairs for chocolate milk.

Back at Shooters, Alison the alcoholic cheapskate sips at her free glass of water and tells Jake that she feels really terrific about being unemployed. Now, of course, she just has to figure out how to pay the rent. Bingo! Ding ding ding! Get that lady a cigar. I'll give you three guesses what Jake says to her. Yes, that's right! He offers her a job at Shooters! Alison smiles, "What are you, the safety net for the entire apartment?" But she accepts, because if she doesn't work at Shooters, then her only other choices are to work at the hospital or in Jane's garage. Of course, she couldn't find, you know, like, an advertising job or anything, because D&D is the only advertising agency in the entire world, and besides, I hear they're all run by these awful boy's clubs. Alison is thrilled that after four years she's finally figured out what color her parachute is, and it matches her shoes!

At Jo's apartment, the Tyler Talking Robot has been deactivated, and it's lying on the couch. Laurie tries to call Syd's apartment again, but Sydney still hasn't come home. Laurie says she'll have to shlep Tyler out to a hotel, but for some reason, Jo decides that they can stay in her apartment for the night. Jo picks up Tyler and carries him into the bedroom. As Jo carries the sleeping child, the soft music starts up, so obviously Jo is considering stealing him and running off with him, her only current model of childrearing. (Although, as a birthmother, Stacie would like to point out that it's ABOUT DAMN TIME that Jo had some feelings for the son she relinquished for adoption OVER A YEAR AGO!!! *Ahem* Back to our update...)

Amanda shows up at Peter's office, and what do you know, he's sarcastic all over again: "You know, I'd love to stay and chat, but doggone it, we're closed for the day." That's the opening shot in this ping-pong game of a scene, where the motivations fly back and forth until you're not sure which one is in love and which one is angry and which one is in deep denial. She counters his coldness by saying that she can't accept the bracelet he gave her -- "I thought we were clear; we're not involved anymore." "Oh, clear my butt!" Peter cries. "Nothing's ever clear with you." He informs her that they'll always be involved -- when she's through with all the Ken dolls in the world, she'll be back with him. She may be as old as Julie Newmar by then, but they'll be together. She says it'll never happen. He says it will. Your serve, Amanda! She says it won't happen because he lies to her. He counters that he loves her, and she loves him. She claims that she doesn't, but then he kisses her, and she responds. "Now who's lying?" he says. Amanda walks away. And y'know, after all that, I lost track of who actually has the bracelet. Did she keep it?

Well, let's take a break from all this romantic hoo-ha to consider a moral dilemma. A friend who you haven't seen for four years leaves her husband and travels two thousand miles to show up at your doorstep, with no warning, with an irritating six year old, to crash in your apartment for an indefinite period of time without asking you. You hesitate. Does that make you a bad person? Well, that seems to be what Laurie and Jo think of Sydney, who is a little less than thrilled that her old friend has descended on her apartment and seems ready to move in. "I'm hungry, I'm hungry!" toddler Tyler yells, pulling on Jo's coat and apparently auditioning for the lead in Oliver. Sydney explains that she's just had a guy move in with her, and things are sort of at a delicate stage right now. Jo's judgement: "Sydney, you are SO lame." Okay, let's recap. Neither Jo or Laurie has any visible means of supporting themselves, and Sydney's the lame one. Fine, I just wanted to get that straight. Laurie volunteers to go to a hotel. Yes! Good thinking, Laurie! Unfortunately, Jo won't hear of it, and says that they'll stay with her for another night.

Meanwhile, at the Miss Health and Fitness Conference, Peter is still trying to encourage Michael to enjoy himself and bond with something. They're hanging around on the courtyard when who else but Chuck Woolery -- host of TV's "Love Connection" -- comes by to thank Peter and Michael for agreeing to be judges. Boy, does Melrose attract a high class of celebrity for these cameos or what? Julie Newmar, Chuck Woolery... next up is Charo and Jim J. Bullock. All we need is Loni Anderson and we've got "The Love Boat" all over again. Chuck moves on to some important Woolery-oriented event, and Peter urges Michael to check out all the beautiful women passing by. Michael whines, "I don't want beautiful women; I want Kimberly." Bada bing, bada boom! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, I'm here all week. Michael tears himself away from the frolic to call Kimberly.

Then who should come by but Loni Anderson herself, who looks just as beautiful as she did in "WKRP in Cincinnati" except she's about twenty years older and had a couple more face lifts and she's forgotten how to smile properly. She's calling herself Teri Carson and she's dragged along her teenage daughter Brandi, who kind of looks like Tiffany Amber-Thiessen if you pressed her face into Silly Putty and stretched the Silly Putty out quite a bit. Brandi is competing in the Miss Health and Fitness Contest, and her recent triumph was being named Miss Tarzana. I kid you not. Miss Tarzana. No joke necessary. Teri attaches herself to Peter and keeps up a steady stream of breathless patter: "Hi, I'm Teri Carson, and this is my daughter, Brandi, she was Miss Tarzana, and the obvious choice for Miss Health and Fitness. Dr... Burns. Are you a real doctor? My, that must come in very handy when it comes to judging a contest like this. I like licorice, don't you? Riding in airplanes is nice. To be or not to be, that IS the question, don't you think? Yadda yadda yadda..." Okay, well, that's not an exact quote, but I nodded off after a while. Peter tries to escape, but Teri reminds him that it's rude to walk away from a beautiful woman. So it looks like Peter's doing just fine manners-wise, but she still clamps on to him like a lamprey, sending Brandi off to deal with "the other one."

"The other one" is a few yards away calling his wife on his cellular phone. Kimberly isn't pleased to get the call -- she's doing important psychological healing which can only be done by wrapping herself in an afghan and sitting alone on a rocking chair. Don't tell me -- this is the LOW end of the manic-depressive swing, right? Michael whines that he wants to come home and have monkey sex, but she says she needs some space. She hangs up on the poor guy, who is then left to talk to Brandi, who zeroes in on him like a Scud missile. She grabs his hand, asking if she can use his cellular phone. Then she smiles a lot, using only the left side of her mouth, which is quite a trick if you can manage it, and she makes some stupid chatter in the hope that she'll find him endearing, which he doesn't, and neither do I. Then she insists on "paying" for the phone call, which she hasn't made yet, by pinning him up against a palm tree and trying to grope him. He pulls away, another victim of the gruesome consequences of allowing Loni Anderson to breed.

Cut back to scary Teri, who invites herself to dinner with Peter tonight. He tries to get out of it by asking if that's illegal under the rules of the competition, but she assures him that it's within the rules. She's done these pageants for years, first as a contender, and then as a pushy stage mother, ha ha ha. Really, this chick is taking this whole beauty pageant thing just a little too seriously. I mean, what do you win at this thing anyway, a bouquet of flowers and a box of Rice-a-Roni? Peter still tries to get away, saying that he couldn't abandon his partner. Teri starts working her whole face: "I'm suuure" -- blink blink -- "he wouldn't want you" -- mouth-wrinkle -- "to miss an opportunity" -- blink, raise an eyebrow -- "like this" -- eyebrow eyebrow eyebrow. By now every part of her face is working completely independently, and they're each demanding union scale. Peter is overwhelmed by this ghastly display and finds himself unable to refuse.

Back in the world where nobody has a job, Sydney and Laurie do lunch at Shooters. Tyler's been left with Jo, and Sydney encourages Laurie to milk "the sap" for all she's worth. Laurie isn't interested in talking about her child, so she turns the conversation to "the meatball" Sydney's shacking up with. Sydney admits that the relationship isn't really cooking yet. Laurie lets her in on a little trailer trash love tip -- Sydney and Bobby should get matching tattoos as a "bonding thing", which appears to be the catchphrase of the episode.

At the next table, Amanda is whining to Billy that her contract still hasn't been renewed. Then she catches sight of the awful specter of Alison the saucy barmaid. Can I give you two a tip? Don't order any food from Alison just now; she may still be holding a grudge. Amanda asks what Alison is doing. "Making an honest living, what a concept," Alison quips. "Well, you know your liquor," Billy shrugs. Alison stalks away, so let's get back to the storyline. Amanda is scared that she's going to be let go -- she can't socialize with Arthur Field or the board of directors because they're all men, except for the ones who are women. She can't do the "guy thing" that Billy's so good at because, as we know, Billy is in the action and making things happen. Billy suggests that Amanda have a party -- her birthday's coming up, and she can invite the whole board... but she probably wants to invite her friends to her birthday party. In a rare reality attack, Amanda admits, "I don't have friends, Billy. I just have enemies and associates." "So what am I?" Billy asks, setting himself up for the punchline of a lifetime.

Back at home, Jo and Tyler are playing CandyLand, which is apparently just something that Jo keeps around the house. "Mom doesn't play games like this," Tyler moans. Jo explains that Laurie is out looking for work. "Do YOU work?" Tyler asks. Jo shrugs, "Sometimes." And boy, that exchange could apply to just about everyone on the show, couldn't it?

That night, Teri has wrapped herself in a "Sigmund the Sea Monster" inspired giant grape leaf dress, and she's locked her hooks into Peter for the evening. They run into Michael in the hall of the hotel, and Peter desperately tries to involve Michael in their plans, but he gets away and goes out to the beach. Peter and Teri sashay into the elevator, where Teri sighs, "I'm on four -- care to join me?" Peter protests that he's just going to go to bed. "That's what I had in mind," says Teri, who must have won the Miss Subtlety pageant at some point in her career. Peter still isn't going for it, so Teri pushes the STOP button and jumps on him like she's Tyler and he's just offered her some chocolate milk. He tries to push her away, claiming that he's in love with another woman. "What's love got to do with it?" Tina Turner cries, clawing at his chest. He shoves her away again, and now she's furious. "I'm not used to being turned down! You rich doctors... you think you control the world." She warns him that she's doing this for Brandi, and "what happened tonight Buys! Your! Vote! Whether it was consummated or not!" And with that parting shot, Teri opens the elevator and slinks out.

Teri pulls herself over to the door overlooking the beach, where she sees her daughter Brandi whoring herself for a vote too. Poor Michael is just trying to duck out of the way, but Brandi's tracked him down and insists she has to repay him for borrowing his phone. A quarter would be sufficient, really, but now she's jumping on him like it's 1999. He tries to resist -- "You're gorgeous, but I'm taken, okay?" -- but then she hurls him down onto the sand. She jumps on top of him and strips her top off. Obviously this girl is a professional. "This is not your responsibility," she insists. "Just lie there and do nothing." And boy, it's been a long time since Michael's had an offer as good as that one. Miss Jailbait 1996 rubs herself into him, cooing, "You're not here. You're a figment of my imagination. I'm a figment of yours. And when you wake up... you're going to vote for me." (Kiss.) "Vote for me." (Kiss.) "Vote for me." And you know, Bob Dole was over at my house the other week, and he pulled the exact same stunt with me. I guess that's just how campaigns are run these days.

The following morning, Michael is at the beach again - you know how most criminals like to return to the scene of the crime. He also has another man with him there and a long metal buzzing rod. Nope, not a vibrator like I hoped (because hey, Mike and Matt would be a great couple) but a metal detector. It seems he lost his wedding ring during his romp in the sand and has recruited random extra #8 to help find it. Mikey gets a call on his cell phone and its Kimberly looking all reflective on her deck while the waves crash in the background. She tells Michael that she's sorry she asked for time apart and it had nothing to do with him. She just needed some time to think because she has a time share on her brain with two other people and thinking time is now hard to come by. They exchange "I miss you's" and hang up. Random extra #8 hasn't had any luck so Michael grabs the detector and starts looking himself. So all those dorky people on the beach are all really infidelists...it all makes sense now!

Jane (or is it Chynna Phillips - I'm so confused) walks into Jake's office at Shooters. She apologizes to Jake for shooting him down about asking Richard to join as a partner. She says that Jake and Alison are right and Richard is a great business man. She's concerned that she'll be spending more time with Richard than with Jake and asks if he's comfortable with that. Jake tells her that he trusts her and if it helps her design more of her ugly fashions then he's happy. She starts to call Richard but Jake tells her to let him wait a few minutes and they start macking. I mean these two know only one way to end a scene so why break the formula. So Jane and Richard-partners again. Most mergers on this show end on the floor next to balled up clothing. Stay tuned.

Its the swimsuit portion of Miss Health and Fitness pageant (you can call in during the pageant to say you want the swimsuit contest removed by the way) and Michael is nervous about the outcome. He sits at the judging table with Peter and tells him that he hopes that Peter voted for Brandi. Peter has this whole morality thing going this episode and tells Michael this is not a team voting effort. Loni (I know I should call her Teri but come on, you know its Loni, I know its Loni) sits by and bites her marblelized acrylic nails. Chuck Woolery announces the second runner up and then announces Brandi as first runner up. Brandi is obviously disappointed but don't worry honey, Chuck will find you a date. Loni storms up to Peter and says, "My daughter needed this title. Now she'll never be Miss California!" As she exits singing, "I had a dream, I dreamed it for you June." Peter yells after her, "I'm sure she'll get over it." I'm over this scene!

Jo comes home and hears Laurie yelling at her kid. Laurie slaps his hand and lightly shakes him while yelling at him to never play with the stove again. Jo is shocked at the "abuse" and comforts the child. Fast-forward ten years to Tyler's guest spot on Oprah: "And she slapped my hand and yelled at me for innocently playing with the stove. It was hell, Oprah." It was a slap on the hand, Jo - O.J. got less. Laurie tells Jo that she'll be out of her hair because she's looking for apartments tomorrow (there are other complexes other than Melrose?) if Jo will babysit. Saint Jo agrees.

Sydney and Bobby are stumbling out of a bar OTHER THAN SHOOTERS!!!! Bobby asks why Sydney bought him seven drinks because now he's hammered. That's not an easy task seeing that his neck must soak up enough alcohol as it is. He asks if she plans on seducing him. Syd says no and leads him into a tattoo parlor "just to look". Yeah if it was between sex with Syd and a vibrating needle piercing my skin I'd pick the latter too.

Back at Melrose, Amanda and Billy are in her leopard clad bed and Amanda is actually saying no to Billy's advances. Billy notices that she's crying and asks if she's worried about her D&D contract renewal. He tells her that he'll go to the board and asks then to renew her because "He's hot and and they'll do anything he asks." Amanda says, "Please promise me that you won't do anything on my behalf." Billy tells her he isn't making any promises. Amanda goes into the other room to watch T.V. and as she tosses her tissue and grins smugly it is clear that it was all an act. Just like those orgasms she had with Billy.

Bobby wakes up to find a lovely eagle tattoo on his arm and a massive spiderweb tattoo on his elbow. Why aren't those covered? Infection - the new Melrose storyline. Sydney comes up to him and expresses her approval but Bobby is not pleased. He asks her how she did this to him. She tells him, "You made it pretty easy passing out and all." Are we still talking about tattoos? She tells Bobby that she got one too and reveals a tiny heart above her heart, I'm glad she didn't lower her top any lower because I almost saw a nip. She tells him that the point is they shared in the pain and bonded. I guess this means she wants to try out her new whip with Bob. Bobby storms out and Syd just looks off lamely.

Michael comes home to Kimberly who is in OshKosh b'Gosh denim overalls and comes bounding up to him. I thought it was her new personality, "Candy the four-year-old". Michael tells her that he lost his wedding ring body surfing which isn't that much of a lie when you take the term literally. Kim gets worried and takes it as a sign that her and Michael will lose each other but Michael tells her not to worry and gives her a big hug. Kim keeps her frantic expression.

At Dungeons and Dragonladies, Amanda blows the candles out at her office birthday party. She makes a brief speech about how she won't reveal what birthday it is (a far cry from those of Loni, honey) but she's had five with D&D and she hopes for five more. Arthur the biggest pig I've seen on T.V. since Babe at the oscars pulls Amanda aside and hands her an envelope. It's a contract for three more years. She thanks Arthur but he tells her to thank Billy because he threatened to quit unless they renewed her. As Arthur exits, Billy approaches Amanda to receive his thanks. Amanda obliges but he tells her she can thank him later at her place. Amanda tells him, "Actually I was looking forward to spending the night at Peter's." Billy asks if she's joking (it is April Fool's Day and this whole show qualifies as one big joke). Amanda tells him that they both got what they wanted so now the deal's over. "You used me?" he asks to which Amanda responds, "That's a polite term for it." Billy looks off stunned because not only did his sister not win the Oscar this year, but now his storyline is in the toilet.

Oh my God! Matt is on this episode! Why do they even put his picture in the opening credits? He's at Shooter's with David who is doing a great job staying out of Matt's life like he promised. Kids, you're a block away from at least twenty gay bars and you go to Shooters? I guess its because the entire cast works there on and off. David has gained about fifteen pounds in the last three weeks and its all in his face. Matt is ranting on about Alan and how Matt was such an idiot to be with him - telling us what we were aware of twenty episodes ago. Matt's pissed that Alan moved to New York and didn't even leave a number. David stops him and asks why Matt's envoked the Satanic Sorceror's name "fifty times in the last fifteen minutes." Matt explains that he's just discussing his feelings how he's over Alan. David asks, "Then why do you need his number?" Matt flubs and David calls for the check. Matt tells David how he's sick of guys just thinking of themselves and he's going to try it for awhile. Thank God, its about time Matt got a scrotum and started acting like his neighbors. The possibilities are endless now. Catch next week when Matt ventures to a leather club and whips the stuff out of some college frat guy.

Peter is making himself a sandwich when Amanda comes knocking at his door. She tells him that Billy is history and she missed him. Peter is taken aback but glad that Amanda is moving in for a kiss. Doorbell. Its Loni looking older than ever which is the reason she's in this scene with Amanda... to make Heather look thirty. Loni is wearing more make-up than an actress in a Paul Verhoeven film and tells Peter that she's suing him for corrupting a minor. Amanda asks what this is all about and Loni informs her that Peter had sex with her seventeen-year-old daughter. Peter tells Amanda that she's lying because he didn't vote for her daughter in a beauty pageant. Loni tells him to get a better story and bounds out. Amanda believes Loni since they are bound by that bleach blonde sisterhood and storms out as well. Peter runs after her yelling that he loves her but Amanda just tells him that she "can't believe she almost fell into his sick world again." That's the same world where Kim is a shrink and Billy is an ad exec. Amanda screeches off in true Cruella de Ville fashion and Peter gazes off thinking what a crappy year he's had. Just wait Pete, Priscilla Presley is yet to come!

Jo is babysitting Tyler who is wishing he got that "Jurassic Park" gig instead. She's made him a lovely bath but Tyler ain't budging. Jo entices him with bubbles which I understand was Michael Jackson's tactic too. Tyler takes his shirt off and Jo discovers a large bruise in his shoulder. She asks him where he got it but he tells her he doesn't know and runs off. Jo looks off thinking, "Why does my character deal with all the moral issues? I want to have sex with people like everyone else." And now I'm wondering if it's me or has this show just gotten weird? Its like the writers have watched too much high school drama competitions.

--written by Danny and Gryphon, edited by Stacie

No show next week (again!) but in 2 weeks Loni tells Michael to let Peter take the fall for his liason with Brandi and Peter is seen being arrested. Sydney invests $15,000 with some greasy producer and finds out she's producing porn (and not starring in it like her former roomie Tracy Lords). Richard attacks Jane and tells her, "Don't act like you don't want it."