The fun kicks off with Michael finding Peter in the hospital locker room -- and guess what? Peter's cranky! Really cranky! Peter informs Michael that he's been charged with unlawful sexual intercourse with an icky-looking minor. Michael, recognizing his own despicable crime, gulps and asks if there's any proof. Peter says that a maintenance man saw "the little tramp" having sex with some guy on the beach. (Really? Charlie Chaplin was having sex with some guy on the beach? Get me the National Enquirer, and make it snappy!) The maintenance man (and since when do beaches have maintenance men?) couldn't identify the man having sex with Miss Brandy Tarzana, but Brandy's mom insists that it was Peter. "Y'know, it's crazy, Michael," Peter groans. "You work hard, you earn a reputation, you build a practice..." (You falsify evidence, you destroy people's lives, you try to kill your girlfriend... Yeah, Peter. You've led a blameless life.) Michael offers any help he can -- short of confessing his own part in the crime, of course -- but Peter assures him that Alycia has put aside both her new cable company and her eternal hatred for Peter and volunteered to give him legal help. (Surprised? Don't be. A woman in love does that sort of thing, especially when her own storyline has run out of steam.) Peter leaves, thanking Michael for his concern. "Hey, your problems are my problems," Michael says, and boy, ain't THAT the truth. Then Michael takes a phone call from Miss Tarzana herself, who apologizes to Michael for this whole mess. Michael asks her what this is all about, and she says she'd like to drop the charges if she could. Then Brandy's mom, loony Loni, grabs the phone, and gives Mike a little advice -- if he tries to help Peter, he'll be charged with the crime himself, and she'll also show his wife the wedding ring that Brandy found on the beach after the deed was done, complete with Michael and Kimberly's names inscribed. Loni recommends that Michael let Peter take the fall for this one. He hangs up, wondering how he could possibly have let his hound dog tendencies get him into trouble yet again.

Meanwhile, the Melrose pool boy is innocently cleaning the pool when a huge white bird flies by and assaults him. It's gruesome. Oh, the humanity.

And now back to our story. Rather than getting ready for her own job, which she never seems to have time for anymore, Sydney spends the morning checking the classifieds for her enormous roommate Bobby, who is now officially bewildered by everything that is happening in his entire life. Sydney finds a $60,000 executive job in the paper, but Bobby reminds her that he already has a job, and he's happy with it. By the way, Bob, if you have such a great job, feel free to find your own apartment any time. Then a greasy-haired man with a loud shirt shows up at the door, introducing himself to Sydney as Drew Stanley, a movie producer. Hearing that he's a producer, Sydney instantly brightens up and invites Drew in. He claims to be an old friend of Bobby's, but as soon as Bobby sees Drew, he gets all bossy and says that he's not interested in whatever Drew is selling. Drew says that he's totally legit now, and he's ready to let his old buddy Bobby in on his new movie: "Domestic and foreign distribution's already lined up, video rights too." "All of which are probably illegal," Bobby snorts. Is there such a thing as illegal video rights? Bobby picks Drew up by the scruff of his neck and carries him to the door. Drew yells that he's staying at the Sunset Plaza Hotel, and Bobby should think over his offer. A starstruck Sydney notes the address. Bobby drop-kicks Drew out of the apartment complex, then slams the door. Sydney is furious: "Does the phrase golden opportunity mean anything to you?" "No," Bobby chuckles. But that's not really a surprise. There are lots of phrases that don't mean anything to Bobby. Most of them, actually.

Billy barges into Alison's apartment with coffee. "Excuse me, there's this thing called knocking," Alison snaps. (There's also a thing called a golden opportunity, but that's a whole other scene.) Billy has brought Alison a latte in exchange for a few minutes of her time -- actually, the going rate is a tall double cappucino, but Alison hasn't kept up with inflation. Billy - who is still wearing that damn wedding ring! - needs Alison's advice; he's doing a presentation for On-Line Bank tomorrow, and the best he's come up with is "On-Line Bank: The bank to choose when you choose to stand on line!" Alison snipes at him: "A little late to be doing your homework, isn't it?" She asks why Amanda isn't helping, and Billy admits that Amanda was using him like a dishtowel. "Oh, well," Little Miss Sunshine grins, "you've gotta give her credit for equal-opportunity backstabbing." And y'know, for a chick still in her bathrobe, she's certainly in a spicy mood this morning. She warns Billy that On-Line Bank is interested in facts and figures, unlike all those other banks that are interested in juggling and stamp collecting. She recommends that Billy reschedule for a time when he's better prepared. "Spoken like somebody who flips burgers for a living," Billy snaps, and stalks out, telling Alison to "have a nice minimum wage day." Alison watches him go and makes a mental note to lock her front door more often.

But let's check back in with Cranky Doctor Peter. Still cranky? You bet! And here comes someone to turn his crank -- Amanda, who was last seen leaving his life in a huff and is now returning to apologize. Apparently she's decided to be a decent, trusting person today. But it's a little too late; Peter's busy today: "I'm on my way to see a candidate for a heart transplant, something you should look into one day!" He says that she practically accused him of statutory rape on Loni Anderson's say-so. She offers to help Peter get competent legal help, but he says he doesn't need competent legal help -- he's got Alycia. Bada bing! Alycia has advised Peter to settle. Amanda is outraged: "Is settle the only word that comes out of her big mouth?" She reminds him where Bobby ended up thanks to Alycia's legal counsel, which somehow fails to soothe Peter's frazzled nerves. He just gets crankier and crankier until he cranks himself right out of shot, yelling, "I needed you the other night!"

Did I not warn you about how depressing this episode is? You should believe me next time; I wouldn't lie to you. Just to prove it, let's look in on the squalid lives of Mom of the Year Laurie and her android son Talking Tyler. Jo drives them to the new apartment they're renting -- and in what sense can they afford this new place? I guess the landlords in LA are so laid-back and mellow that they don't care about things like credit checks or security deposits. Jo invites Tyler to stay with her for a few days; their new apartment isn't even furnished yet. Laurie doesn't mind that -- "We've slept on plenty of floors before." And why does that not surprise me one bit? Jo asks about the big bruise on Tyler's back. Laurie shrugs and says she doesn't know how he got it, but he's a little boy, they're always bumping into something or sleeping on the floor or falling into threshing machines. You know kids these days. Someone pulls a string in Tyler's back, and he pipes up and asks if Jo's staying with them at their new apartment. Laurie makes up some story about how Jo has her own life, as unconvincing as that seems right now. She hoists Tyler over her shoulder and carries him toward their new shack. Tyler waves goodbye to Jo, Jo waves goodbye to Tyler, Tyler waves goodbye to Jo, Jo waves goodbye to Tyler, and we keep cutting back and forth until the director gets dizzy and has to lie down for a while.

Back at the apartment complex, Jane is sitting on her floor sketching out some ludicrous fashion drawing when Richard stops by for a spooky little visit. He invites her to show up at the office once in a while, but she claims that she works better at home, hunched up against her coffee table. Richard says that she can't avoid him forever, especially since the have the biggest retailer on the East Coast wanting to do business with them -- Humphrey's, which has 70 stores in 10 states. (Actually, that's one store each in 9 states and 61 stores in the same town in Vermont. Bad franchise planning, if you ask me, but that's their problem.) For some reason, Humphrey's is itching to sell their lame fashions, even though both of them have sunk businesses in the last month and have only started to work on these new designs a week ago. But that's just the way things work in the fast-paced world of Melrose business, I suppose. Richard wants them to fly to New York together to meet with their new clients, but Jane is understandably wary about travelling overnight with him. He says that they'll stay at different hotels if she wants, or only see each other at meetings, or take different flights, or put bags over their heads and only communicate in Morse code, if that'll make her feel more comfortable. He flashes his puppy eyes at her until she gives in. Richard sits down at her phone to make the reservations, and everything seems hunka-dora, but then that creepy buzzy music starts up, which means that either a wasp is sitting on the boom mike or Richard is plotting something evil.

And speaking of shrewd businesspeople, Sydney has lunch with Drew the extremely legitimate movie producer, who is trying to talk her out of fifteen thousand dollars but hasn't brought any contracts or physical proof that these movies even exist outside of his own personal dream-world. Sydney says that she can persuade Bobby to jump into bed with them (so to speak), but she wants to be sure that Drew is legit. He suavely replies that he's made ten low-budget films, each grossing more than a million. That's legit? Pauly Shore movies gross more than a million. "Ishtar" grossed more than a million. But don't ask me, Sydney, you make your own decisions. You know best, dear. The shrewd business-babe squints her eyes and says she wasn't born yesterday -- what was the net? He tells her it was $950,000. For some reason, this really impresses her, and she gets all excited and flouncy and totally loses any remaining shreds of composure. Drew tells her that an investment of $15,000 will net her $75,000, although he neglects to explain why he needs to go to his friends for handouts if his previous ten movies were such blockbusters. Apparently he's spending it all on gunk to put in his hair. He tells Sydney that since she's Bobby's friend, he'll take them on as producers. Sydney's juices really start flowing, and she instantly makes out a check for $15,000. Drew notices that the check is from Burns-Mancini, which Sydney says is her "corporation." She explains that everyone in LA has one. Of course, Drew lives and works in LA and has never heard of such a thing in his life, but what the heck, a check's a check. "Welcome to show biz, kid," Drew smiles, and they clink glasses. Boy, for someone who never shows up at work anymore, Sydney has really turned stealing office supplies into an art form. Sydney Andrews, secretaries around the world salute you.

Back at Melrose, med student Matt comes home from a hard day of saving lives and fighting homophobia wheresoever he may find it. As soon as he walks into the courtyard, he's set upon by a hysterical Jo, who tells him that she's afraid Tyler is being abused. This whole bruised back story is getting a little old, but she asks Matt if he knows an agency she could call. Matt asks what this accusation is based on, and Jo lamely replies that she saw Laurie shake Tyler once. Matt warns her about making false accusations, and he suggests that she talk to an expert. Jo starts getting all sarcastic: "Oh, an expert, yeah, great. Hmm, where should I find one, the Yellow Pages? Matt, I think that Tyler is in danger, so time is crucial." Okay, listen, Clueless Jo from Hannibal, Mo. This kid has clearly survived without you up to the last week, and while Laurie is clearly not winning the Pulitzer Prize for Creative Parenthood this year, she's also not performing unnecessary brain surgery on her kid with pinking shears, so take a pill, okay? But hey, I'm just writing a synopsis, Jo doesn't listen to me. Matt says that one of his professors at school knows something about child abuse, so Jo insists that Matt introduce her immediately. An irritating child's life is at stake, quick, let's all drop everything and listen to the chick who wears black all the time.

So I guess I missed a couple episodes, because Michael is now mothering Kimberly and bringing her piping hot chicken soup. Is it my imagination, or wasn't she complaining about needing some space last week? Did she get the flu? Anyway, Michael sees that her bedside reading is The Big Book of Multiple Personality Disorders, and he asks what she's reading it for. After all these clues, the boy still just doesn't get it. What is he waiting for, each of Kim's personalities to pop out and invite Michael to be a fourth at bridge? Well, I suppose I should be glad that he's not pulling his usual tricks and imagining that Kimberly is doing some research for a kinky Multiple Personality Disorder sexual fantasy. He blithely says that she shouldn't be treating people with MPD anyway; "those people are way too far gone for ordinary therapy." Itching to change the subject, Kimberly asks about the Miss Tarzana problem, and Michael is tormented by a brief guilt pang. He decides to get everything out in the open, and says he has to tell her something: "Okay, I know that I am not perfect," -- big newsflash, Mike ! -- "but I love ya, dammit, more than you can imagine. So if we can find it in our hearts to forgive?" He never really gets around to exactly what it is she's supposed to forgive him for, but Kimberly nods tearily and agrees with the general concept of forgiveness as an ideal in the Judeo-Christian tradition. They hug and seem to come to some sort of vague understanding that whatever it is they're talking about is an opportunity for forgiveness in some fashion.

So here's a surprise: Mancini-Hart is open for business! When Richard agreed to join Jane's business, it was still running out of a garage, but now their old office is magically open again, and it's just buzzing with little worker bees. Poor Richard; two weeks ago, he spent the entire episode packing up the office, and I guess he had to unpack it all again and clean the sandwich marks off the wall. (Yes, I'm making references to scenes that happened more than an episode ago, which is more than the actual show ever did. Feel free to play along at home.) So Richard is doing little business activities like the financial whiz kid that he is when he gets a surprise visit from Jake. Jake has a bad haircut and a bad attitude, and he's ready to lay down the law. Richard snickers, "This is where you lay the Cro-Magnon speech on me, right? Me Jake, Jane mine?" Surly Jake reminds him that he and Jane are a couple and they're not breaking up any time soon. Richard, who has all the best lines in the scene, agrees: "Sure. Everybody deserves a warm body at night. But you know, Jake, sooner or later Jane's gonna need some intellectual stimulation, and when that happens, where is that gonna leave you?" Jake the Intellectual grabs Richard by the cuffs and slams him into the wall, which kind of proves Richard's point, really. "I'm on to you, smartass," Jake grunts. "You go anywhere near Jane, you mess with her head at all, and I'm gonna take that pretty-boy head of yours and pound it into the dirt." He hits Richard's head against the wall once more. "You got that?" Richard, slumped against the wall, watches as Jake slams the door. Breathing heavily, Richard moans, "Yes, SIR," making this scene about six times more homoerotic than anything that's ever happened to Matt.

Sydney, Laurie and Tyler take in a free-spirited single gal's lunch at Shooter's. Tyler has ketchup all over his face, which Laurie cleans off with her own spit, and isn't THAT what you cancelled all your Monday night plans to see. Sydney sighs and says she could never do "that single mom thing," and Laurie agrees, "Well, I love my little guy... but it's kind of a drag sometimes." Luckily, Tyler is engrossed in his french fries, and that potentially traumatizing statement sails right over the little tyke's head. Laurie thanks God for Jo -- a prayer that's probably a new one for God -- since she's been so helpful taking care of Tyler. Syd shrugs and notes that Jo is probably "working off that guilt of hers..." It doesn't take much prompting for Sealed-Lips Sydney to spill the entire sordid story of Reed, Jo's baby, and the Carters' custody fight. Laurie is amazed she ever let such a woman near her child. Syd breaks the gloom by asking Tyler if he wants to split a banana split with her. So would that make it banana quarters?

And where is Jo while a former prostitute/stripper is badmouthing her in a bar? She's waiting with Matt at the medical school for Matt's professor, Dr. O'Malley. O'Malley emerges from class, surrounded by a buzzing crowd of female students. Don't ask me why, but he's supposed to be good-looking in some kind of a tall, broad-shouldered, well-groomed, chiseled sort of way... okay, well, I guess he is good-looking, what's it to ya? Anyway, he barrels out of class and keeps walking, hardly pausing as Matt introduces Jo, who says she knows about a possible child abuse situation. O'Malley says that since she's a friend of Matt's, she's got the time it takes him to get to his car. He keeps walking, and she hustles after him. She gives him the whole spiel about Tyler the Troubled Toddler, and O'Malley asks how long Jo's known them for. She admits that she's only known them a week. "I see," Doctor Dish smirks. "So a four-year-old that you hardly know has a bruise on his back. And based on that, you come to arguably the most well-respected expert in the field of child abuse. Don't you think you may have skipped a few levels?" Jo says she trusts her instincts, and asks for some insight. "Okay, insight number one: You watch too much daytime television." Zing! Okay, this guy's obnoxious, but at least he's got better one-liners than Loni Anderson, right? Let me hear an Amen. Jo gets pissed and starts to flounce off. O'Malley takes pity on her and tells her to bring Tyler to his office to check him out. "I'll do that," Jo nods. "Just try to be less of a jerk with him than you were with me." O'Malley smiles wryly as Jo walks away, so you just know they're going to be kissing next week, right? We've been down this road before.

Well, the mood seems to be lightening now, so let's bring everyone down with another update on the world of Loni Anderson. She and Brandy wait impatiently in Peter's office with their lawyer, who reminds me a lot of that real estate woman who showed Kimberly houses a few months ago. Michael and Peter arrive for the meeting, and Loni starts in on him: "Oh, don't tell me. Dr. Burns was practicing his bedside manner on a 14-year-old." "Don't push me, lady!" Peter snaps. Alycia, acting as Peter's lawyer, tries to pretend that all of this isn't happening and introduces Danielle Sanderson, Loni's lawyer. Peter asks Sanderson how she likes representing "Satan's bride." And it really just goes downhill from there. According to the proposed settlement, Peter denies any involvement with Brandy, but offers $200,000. Loni, pleased as punch, grabs Brandy's hand and smiles. Once again, false accusations of statutory rape bring a family together -- and isn't that always the way? Peter can't resist another crack: "There she is, Miss Extortion 1996!" Loni gets mad, but Sanderson says they're prepared to accept the payment. Alycia opens her briefcase and takes out a giant check, like she's Ed McMahon awarding another lucky lottery winner. Alycia waves the check under Loni's drooling lips, but then Peter snatches it away. He'll lie, he'll cheat, he'll push people around, but he's damned if he'll give his own money away. He challenges Loni to take him to court -- "because you don't have one ounce of proof that I slept with your nympho daughter! And for your information, I don't find her or you remotely attractive!" Tearing the check into confetti, Peter stalks out. Alycia apologizes for Peter, saying that they'll proceed once he calms down. Smoke coming out of her ears, Loni says that they'd better proceed, because the price for the settlement goes up $100,000 every day, as if she can make those kinds of demands without any real proof. Alycia and Michael's eyes both bug out. You know, Peter, I don't mean to be critical or anything, but would it really have been such a problem to vote for Brandy in the first place? Just an observation.

Then: New York. Look! It's New York. You can tell because there's a big caption that says New York and they're showing some old footage of cars driving around New York. Jane stumbles into her big New York hotel room, followed closely by Richard, who is clearly a lot more sober. They're celebrating -- in New York, mind you -- because Humphrey's has put through a colossal order. Jane thanks Richard, saying that they work well together, and she compliments him on being "a perfect gentleman" the whole time they've been in New York. The phone rings, initiating a throbbing headache for Jane -- but she answers it, and is happy to talk to Jake, who's calling from Shooter's. She announces the good news that Humphrey's bought everything, but the only thing Jake can focus on is that she's clearly drunk. He's surprised she's knocking back champagne with the guy she supposedly hates. Confused, she asks why he's acting like she's done something wrong, and all he can say is, "I'm not; I'm just saying," the big dope. Jake says he'll save his congratulations until she's sober, and says to give his best to her drinking buddy. Jane blurts out that Richard's right there, which makes Jake completely lose control of his brain: "Oh. So does that mean you don't have any clothes on?" Jane has had enough, and she hangs up on him. Jake, depressed, goes to the wall of booze behind him and starts knocking back shots of colored water. Luckily, Shooters liquor is so watered down that he'll have to drink the whole wall just to get a buzz.

Meanwhile, in New York (honestly!), Jane rants to Richard about Jake not trusting her. She plops down on the bed, and Richard moves in next to her. He says she deserves better, and starts touching her hair. She tells him to stop, but then he grabs her arm and here comes that spooky buzzy music again! He starts pushing her down on the bed and climbs on top while she struggles. She yells for help, but he puts his hand over her mouth and hisses, "Shut up! And quit pretending that you don't want it!" Jane fights her suave ex-lover, but he drags her down on the bed, jumps on top of her, and then somehow has sex with her even though they both have about twelve layers of clothes on. And then there's a commercial break, so the audience can feel free to get up, go to the bathroom, get a sandwich, maybe slash your wrists or take poison or something. It's your choice.

It's the morning after and Jane is in the shower - something they say you are not supposed to do if you are raped - when Richard waltzes into the bathroom acting like he is God's gift to defenseless women. Jane is horrified to see him and demands to know how he got in her room. When he tries to get all schmaltzy with her she pushes him away and tells him, "You raped me!" At first, Richard tries to convince her that they "made love" but when he sees she isn't buying it he screws with her head some more and tells her that, given the circumstances, no one will believe her anyway. He cooly tells her, "Meet me in the lobby in 10 minutes - we don't want to keep the customers waiting" and strolls out, obviously proud of the fact that he is now part of the same "Men Who Abuse Women" Club that Vic from North Hollywood belonged too. We can only hope that Richard's death is as painful as Vic's was.

Jo pays an unexpected visit to Laurie and Tyler and is shocked at what she finds. Laurie is yelling at Tyler for something, the place is a mess and Tyler's shirt is filthy. Laurie explains that, in her twisted world, if you mess up a shirt you have to wear it, so God only knows what's going to happen when this kid grows up and gets into his first food fight. Laurie tells Jo that she's been letting the exotic dancer next door babysit Tyler while she goes out looking for a job. Jo is none too pleased about this and tells Laurie, "I don't think an exotic dancer is an appropriate babysitter for Tyler" as if Jo has any say in Tyler's upbringing to begin with. Laurie gets in Jo's face and starts yelling about how she needs a babysitter at a moment's notice so Jo tells her that, for Tyler, she'd be willing to drop everything to come babysit him. Laurie settles down and tells Jo that she needs someone that afternoon; Jo promises to be there.

At Online Bank, Billy is schmoozing with the receptionist telling her crap like, "send me your resume... I'll be happy to get you into the game" so obviously he is looking for soccer recruits. Mr. Bank Man walks up, introduces himself, and inquires where Billy's presentation materials are. Billy replies, "I've got the whole dog and pony show right up here" as he points to his head which is, in actuality, filled with nothing but cabbage.

Jo and Tyler are at the office of illustrious Dr. Arrogance who has just finished looking at Tyler. He tells Jo that Tyler shows no signs of being abused and, since he is the end-all, be-all of child abuse doctors, she should "find another outlet for her passion... find a guy, settle down...". Jo, insisting she is right about Tyler's abuse, calls the doctor a "sexist pig" and tells him he's in the wrong line of work. On that, she turns and leaves - presumably taking Tyler with her - while the doctor stands there with his best "toothpaste commercial" smile looking quite smug about the whole thing.

Kimberly is taking a walk in the park and stops at a water fountain to take one of her Dr. Peter's Magic Pills (yeah, I always think to take *my* medication while wandering around in public). Just as Kim leans down to take a drink, her head immediately snaps back up and Betsy says slyly, "No, we aren't taking these". Her face twists into a concerned look as Kimberly says, "But Peter wants me too" and all I gotta say is that I've known people with MPD and Marcia Cross is doing a damn good job of portraying one.

Amanda shows up at Shooters 30 minutes late for her meeting with Sydney, who has traded in her Pat Nixon/Donna Reed wardrobe for Dale Evans'. Amanda gives Sydney $200 in exchange for the hotel location of the "She-Devil and her daughter". When Sydney asks why Amanda wanted the information to begin with, Amanda confides that she's going to "pay them a visit". She reminds Sydney, "that $200 also bought your silence - not a word to Peter" and walks away. On her way out, she passes by and stops at Billy's table where the Bill Stud Machine is drinking himself into oblivion. Billy snaps, "go away!" but Amanda is intent on rubbing his face in his horrible excuse of an ad campaign for Online Bank. She says, "Online Man?!? Superhero of banking?!?" and then tells him that the clients are still laughing and that the upper brass at D & D decided to give Amanda the account instead of Billy. Billy barks back, "They're a stupid account! They don't know what's here and now!" and as he does this I can't help thinking that Tyler may be more of a man than this guy. Alison walks up and Amanda leaves with some smart-ass parting remark. Alison decides not to press for details on what just happened and instead sticks to her duties of being a good waitress and asks Billy if he'd like another beer. Billy stands up and tells Alison, "I don't need a damn thing - not from you, not from anyone!" He then pulls out some money, slams it down on her tray, and storms out in a huff.

It's late and Kimberly is sitting in Peter's office waiting for him to show up as if he normally stops by his office at 11 o'clock at night. He does show up, however, and Kimberly jumps up to greet him with a big hug. Peter is in a crab-ass, funkybutt mood and tells her he doesn't have time for social visits right now. But when Kimberly frantically tells him that she's hearing voices again and she's afraid of losing Michael, Peter changes his tune and does his best to calm her down. The 2 head towards his office to talk but before they can get there, the police come charging in (they couldn't wait until daylight to come get him) and arrest Peter for his alleged sexual act with Miss WhatsHerFace. Kim begins to panic and begs the police not to take Peter away. As the police cuff Peter and lead him out of the office, Peter turns back to Kimberly and tells her to call Dr. Turner and I really hope that's not the same doctor we saw earlier looking at Tyler. Kimberly is left standing there, upset and alone, and cries to herself, "I can't do this alone!" but she isn't really alone because, after all, she has herself.

The following morning Michael is at home distraught over the fact that his wife never came home the night before. The phone rings and he answers it immediately, hoping to hear Kimberly's voice on the other end. Instead, it's "Wife #2" who has called to tell Michael that Peter's been arrested and that Michael has to get his butt in the office since Sydney is taking the day off. Michael hisses, "those witches!" and hangs up the phone.

And the tension builds as Laurie marches up to Jo's apartment and starts banging on the door. When Jo answers, Laurie pushes her way in and starts screaming at Jo for taking Tyler to see a doctor. Jo apologizes, but this isn't good enough for Miss "Riding On My Brother's Coattails". She tells Jo, "I'm a good mother - unlike you!" and then throws the whole "Jo/Reed/baby" thing in Jo's face as if that's something that a good mother should do to prove her point. Jo tells Laurie, "this isn't about judging, this is about getting you help" but Laurie informs Jo, "I don't need any help!" and I've got news for you Laurie - you could use some help from an acting coach for starters. Laurie tells Jo to "stay away from my son" and storms out, leaving Jo standing there with her typical "I am such a victim" look on her face.

Billy is in the cemetary alone holding a bouquet of flowers and standing in front of Brooke's 4-foot-tall headstone. He tells his widow, "I stopped loving you and you ended up dead. I've tried to make up for that by keeping you alive by becoming all the things that I thought you were." He pauses, then puts the flowers on the ground by her headstone. He then removes his wedding ring (FINALLY!), places it on top of her headstone and says, "goodbye, Brooke" before turning and leaving. Very touching except I want to know where he got that snazzy looking sportscar - I thought he drove a taxi...

At Emery Studios in Hollywood, Sydney shows up on the set of the movie she just forked out $15,000 to produce. The slimeball who took her check is surprised to see her and equally as anxious to get her to leave. But Sydney insists on staying, saying that it's part of their agreement. Another part of their agreement is that Sydney has script approval, so she points out to Slimeball Guy that there are some scenes that have no endings. Slime tells her that the director likes the actors to improvise - "like in a Woody Allen movie", but Sydney continues to harp on the issue. Silence is called for on the set, the cameras start rolling, and the man and woman pretending to be actors start acting out the very scene that Syd was just whining about. We quickly see why there are no endings written when the woman takes off her robe and exposes her completely naked body. Sydney is in complete shock - which is surprising considering her own sordid past - and she gasps, "Oh my God - I'm a porno producer!"

Amanda successfully finds the hotel room of Teri and Brandi but discovers that Michael is already there. She hides in the hallway and watches as Michael first pounds on the door and then starts yelling at Brandi, who can't seem to keep her hands off him. Michael rejects her advances and tells her, "I want you and your mother to come clean!" as he walks into the room. The door closes behind them and Amanda has yet one more piece of dirt on a fellow Melrosian.

Back at the beach house, a silhouette of Kimberly/Betsy/Rita is pacing back and forth as we hear Kimberly's voice saying, "I'm not going to let you do this Betsy. I'm not going to let you win. I'm not going to let you take control." Michael arrives home then, obviously exhausted from his battle with the Tarzana Has-Beens. He looks around the house for Kimberly and calls out, "we need to talk". Just as he enters the bedroom, a hand holding a hammer comes down and nails him (har har - get it?) in the back of the head. Michael falls unconscious to the floor, and Kimberly emerges from behind the bedroom door - hammer in hand - only it's not Kimberly, it's Betsy. Or is it Rita? Hell, maybe it's Marcia. She says out loud, "Guess what - Betsy won."

Jake shows up at Jane's apartment to make nice-nice with her after their little bi-coastal spat. Jane is understandably not up to dealing with Jake, but refrains from telling Jake that Richard raped her. Jake senses he's being put off and asks, "You're not still mad are you?" Jane tells him she doesn't want to get into it, but Jake starts explaining why he got jealous the other night. Jane starts yelling, "I asked you to stop! Go away! I'm sick of you - all of you!" and then slams the door. Alone inside her apartment, Jane breaks down and sobs as she slowly sinks to the floor.

--written by Danny and Stacie

(NO SHOW NEXT WEEK - PREVIEWS FOR APRIL 29): Loni tells Amanda not to bother with the offers she has up her sleeve; Michael tells Betsy he slept with Miss Tarzana, Betsy tells him to leave and then throws a knife at the door after he exits; Jane tells Jake that Richard raped her; Alison asks what Jane told Jake to which Jane replies, "I told him the truth - now he's going to kill him" and then we see a body - presumably male (looks like Alan to me) - going out the window of a large high-rise building.