It's hammer time! In our last thrilling episode, Kimberly whacked Michael into unconsciousness with a hammer to the skull, for absolutely no reason that anyone could see beyond her own twisted psyche and her need for an exciting storyline. But that was then and this is now, and now she looks down at his crumpled body and feels really, really sorry. Everyone's entitled to make a mistake now and then, and since Kimberly is currently housing three personalities, she's got dibs on three times the mistakes. Keeping up a running commentary of the oh-what-have-I-done variety, Kimberly checks Michael out -- he's still got a pulse, so according to Doctor Kimberly, "he'll be okay," even though his brains seem to be leaking out of the back of his skull. But it's not like Michael used his brain that much anyway; I'm sure he'll never miss it. She realizes that Michael never saw what hit him, so she can get away with it by faking a burglary and pretending that the burglar did it. With her husband bleeding, unconscious and possibly brain-dead on the floor, Kimberly starts doing her imitation of a burglar, which involves opening up a drawer and throwing lingerie around, then dumping the contents of a jewelry box on the floor. Rushing into the kitchen, she pushes over a fruit bowl, because if there's one thing burglars always remember to do, it's toss fruit around. Grabbing her coat and two silver candlesticks, Kimberly completes her cat-burglar ruse by exiting onto the balcony, ditching the sticks, and pretending to come in through the front door again. As Kim hits the porch, she sees Sydney coming up the stairs. Sydney is coming to see Michael about a "bookkeeping crisis," because, of course, if the ever-dedicated Sydney spends the entire workday having lunch with her friends and producing porn movies, it only makes sense that she would do her actual work until ten at night and then pay her boss a surprise visit for a bookkeeping consultation. They just don't make secretaries like her anymore. Kimberly opens the door, looks around at the fruit lying on the ground, and says, "Oh my god, I've been robbed." Syd believes anything anybody tells her, so she immediately joins in the search for Michael, and they find him groggily waking up on the floor. Sydney rushes off to call an ambulance, and Kimberly helps Michael up, telling him that apparently he surprised a burglar, who happened to be armed with Michael's own hammer. Wow, what a tragedy -- getting robbed by the cast of This Old House. Michael, shocked and woozy, moans, "I could have been killed!" Kimberly, putting on her Look of Concern and staring off into space, says, "Yes, you very well could have been." But that's all part of the fun when you marry a psychopath!

Irritating REM music plays as morning dawns in LA, and Sydney pops out of her apartment. She sees Jo reaching for a paper, and chirps a sarcastic hello to "Miss Busybody." Sydney mocks Jo for caring about Tyler and his "one teeny weeny bruise," and Jo wisely decides she doesn't need to listen to abuse so early in the morning. Coming downstairs, Sydney sees Jake bringing coffee to Jane's apartment. "Oh, how quaint," Syd snaps. "Bringing coffee to his lady love. Chicken Little upstairs, Prince Charming downstairs. I live in a freaking fairy tale."

Jane sits at her window looking moody and very Aimee Mann-ish, wondering why she can't get up the gumption to actually do anything about her rape. Jake's coffee delivery service arrives, and he takes the opportunity to apologize for nothing again and then ask what's wrong. She brushes him off, saying, "I'm fine, okay, I got a little frustrated, that's all," which even the simple-minded Jake can tell doesn't mean anything. This whole scene is sort of Non-Communicative Theater; they don't seem to say anything and I think most of the scene is being done through telepathy. He broadcasts some kind of general concern, she blows him off, and that's a wrap.

So Peter's back in jail again, this time for something he didn't do. Alycia, the Lawyer of a Thousand Faces, effortlessly shifts from running a cable company to defending Peter in a civil suit to defending Peter in his brand spanking new criminal case. Is there anything this chick can't do? Well, she can't seem to actually help Peter in any way, because they're sitting in the Interrogation Room at the LA County Jail, and she's still babbling about trying to pay Loni's settlement. He insists that he won't admit to having sex with Brandy the creepy beauty queen. Then Amanda barges on in -- I'm sure there must be some rule about visitors busting in on inmates and their lawyers in the middle of a conference, but Amanda's a Special Guest Star, so I guess she gets to go anywhere she wants. And just to prove it, Amanda asks Alycia to leave the room -- and Alycia does! Clearly Amanda can bend all rules of time and space -- she can talk confidentially with prisoners! She can turn brown hair blonde! She can wear skirts that defy the imagination! And now she proves that she has the power to investigate crimes more effectively than the LAPD can! All she needs is a cape and she'll become SuperAmanda, Defender of the Hunky! Amanda calmly tells her victimized boyfriend that she saw Michael with Brandy yesterday, and "their body language was screaming intimate!" Peter realizes that Michael has betrayed him, and SuperAmanda promises that she'll handle it -- "I read somewhere that in the 90's, it's actually okay for a woman to rescue a man." So not only does SuperAmanda fight crime, but she also has enough free time to read Cosmo! Peter the Boy Wonder is grateful, and asks, "Is thank you good enough?" "Not nearly," Amanda murmurs, and they kiss passionately. Then she twirls around three times and vanishes in a puff of smoke, leaving Peter in super-need of a cold shower.

Cut to the Mid-Wilshire Professional Building, which is really misnamed since nobody acts professional within two hundred miles of the place. Burns-Mancini is closed for the day, and Sydney has hung a very reassuring sign on the door: "No doctors in today -- Burns in jail -- Mancini in hospital." So we check in on the woman who has late-night bookkeeping crises, and what is she doing? Entertaining the reason she has a bookkeeping crisis in the first place -- Jimmy, the sleazy porn producer who suckered Sydney into embezzling money to make a film that, let's face it, is not gonna win any Golden Globes this year. Jimmy shows her a rough cut of what he's filmed so far, without any of the music or computer-generated dinosaurs that'll be in the final film. There's just two more days of shooting -- so to speak -- and then they'll be done. Sydney, unable to take her eyes off the screen, hands Jimmy the final installment of her "investment." Jimmy, seeing that this is a woman with more access to money than she has brains, decides to put his slimy moves on her. She shrugs him off, and then who comes barreling into the room but the original un-greasy grease monkey, our very own mobster turned airplane mechanic, Bobby! How he got into the presumably locked office I'll never know; maybe he learned that trick from Amanda back when they were dating. Shocked that Sydney is working on a porn movie, Bobzilla hurls Jimmy headlong out of the office, then turns on Syd. She babbles that she was trying to find something better for him than working on planes, and that she didn't know it was porn. (No, she thought it was the pilot for a new Spelling show! Bada bing, bada boom!) Bobby chuckles that he came to apologize for getting mad about the tattoos, but now he's really disappointed that she would do this just to start up a relationship with him. He lays down the law: "Whatever it was, Sydney -- and it was NEVER a relationship! -- it's over." Then he stomps out of the office, presumably to move out of Sydney's apartment and into the apartment that he could have moved into a month ago if he'd felt like it. I hear the zoo's offered him a free room at the monkey house...

And now another look at the fascinating world of Melrose Medicine. As everyone knows, treating a gaping head wound is nowhere near as important as hair care, so when the Melrose paramedics bandaged the hammer-shaped dent in Michael's head, they didn't do anything stupid like shave the back of his head so they could actually get near the wound -- no, they just lovingly positioned the bandage right over his carefully moussed hair. This all makes sense when you see who's treating Michael -- it's med student Matt, who's been on the show long enough to know that style always takes precedence over actual health care. Michael whines about being treated by a med student -- he's being a jerk, but really, do you blame him? Matt's been on service for, what, six weeks now? He's almost as unqualified to play doctor as, say, Michael himself. I don't blame Michael for being cranky -- he needs this kind of stress like he needs a hole in the head! Ba boom! And it looks like we're going to have to call one of the guys from ER when SuperAmanda drops in for a visit with a big bunch of flowers. Matt exits stage left as Amanda confronts Michael, telling him she knows that he slept with Brandy. He tries to fake being sick, which doesn't fool Amanda and just serves to remind the audience that he's awfully perky for someone whose skull was recently punctured with a claw hammer. Amanda says that unless he comes clean with her, she'll tell Kimberly about it. Michael instantly caves, admitting that he slept with Brandy once. He asks what she's going to do. Patting his wound, she smiles, "I'm going to save your butt."

So, Melrose Space readers, here's a test. Who noticed something interesting about the last scene? Yes, you in the back. That's right; Michael sure confessed to his crime awfully quickly, didn't he? He's been hiding it for the last two episodes, but Amanda just had to come into his hospital room and ask him, and he spills his guts. That's because tonight is the special True Confessions Night on Melrose, highlighting the new E-Z Interrogation technique they've developed. All you have to do is bug someone a little bit and they'll just start confessing anything they can think of. Want another example? Okay, let's look at the next scene, where Jake and Alison are working on some important stool positioning lessons at Shooter's. Jake's very cranky, and Alison asks what's bothering him, and why he's taking it out on her. Does it have anything to do with Jane? Jake cleverly stonewalls: "No!... Yeah." See how easy it is, kids? All you have to do is just keep asking questions and people will tell you ANYthing. Jake spills that he and Jane have been fighting all the time, and he feels like he's losing her. The poor little monkey just doesn't know where to turn. Then he gets a minor brainstorm and asks if Alison could pry into Jane's affairs. Alison, in a rare fit of reality, refuses: "Oh no, no way. Don't get me involved in it. I'm terrible at this kind of thing! I'll just foul it up more and you'll turn around and blame me!" Jake offers to give her the night off to do it. "And if I refuse?" Alison asks. Jake shrugs. "I'll fire your ass." Alison grudgingly accepts her assignment.

Billy, who is now the man without a storyline, does what any good Melrose character does when their story runs thin -- he wanders around the office and whines. Amanda finds him strolling back and forth at D&D, and he asks her what's happening: "Every time I turn around, there's something going on behind my back." Amanda has no clue what he's talking about, and snappily asks him what he's doing in the office after six. Billy sighs histrionically. "If you've been paying attention" -- and we haven't, Bill, thanks for the exposition -- "you would notice that I've turned over a new leaf." Amanda cares about as much as everyone in the audience, so she breezes past him en route to her office. "Oh, by the way," she says as she motors, "congratulations on that new leaf thing."

Amanda finds Loni lurking in her office; she was summoned from her swamp to come to this meeting. Loni kicks off the negotiations by saying she's not interested in Amanda's offers. And it's time for another one of those True Confession Moments! "Nothing you can do or say will make up for what that man did to me," Loni insists. "To you?" Amanda asks, "I was under the impression that he did it to your daughter." For some unexplained reason, this causes Loni to malfunction completely, and she starts blurting everything out like Amanda just offered her a truth serum cocktail: "Me, her, whatever. You know how men are. How indiscriminately they use people. They use you, your beauty, and then they just toss you away the minute you're not their ideal anymore... the lies, the heartache... it all started with Brandy's father." Amanda asks if he abused Loni, but Loni bursts into sobs and says she never even knew his name. Amanda offers Loni a kleenex and a phone so she can call someone who cares.

Well, that was easy. In fact, it was so easy that we're going to do it all over again, slower this time so you can see how it's done. Jane and Alison are having tea at Jane's place, and Alison is busy trying to drop hints about how tense Jake's been lately. Then the phone rings, and Jane allows the answering machine to take a message. It's Richard, calling to harass her, muttering, "You can't hide from me forever, Jane..." Jane wanders off into the living room, where she paces back and forth. Alison follows, asking what's wrong: "Is it about Richard?" This is such an idiotic question that it breaks Jane's concentration, and she spills that Richard raped her. Alison comforts Jane as she bursts into tears. Sob sob sob. See how easy it is? Try this technique on people you know!

Peter is instantly released from jail, and he rushes over to thank Amanda, who saved him by walking around and talking to people. This must be one of those superhero tricks; she didn't really do anything special, but somehow it seems like a big deal. Anyway, the important thing is that Loni and Brandy agreed to drop the charges now that Brandy has been "chosen" by Amanda as the new Miracle Girl for Lady Day Cosmetics. And talk about a miracle -- Brandy is so hideously ugly that it's a miracle she wasn't smothered at birth. Peter insists that they at least tell Amanda the truth, and, true to form for this episode, Brandy fesses up to the whole thing. Loni walks out with some non sequitur parting shot about how Peter is always conning someone, and even though all of this is over, she's sure he'll get into more trouble at some point and get what he deserves, and whatever, let's just get her off camera, okay? Amanda snuggles up to Peter and asks how he's conning her. He tells her, "Everything I have ever done and will ever do is because... well, you know why." She asks what he means, and he mumbles, "I love you." She tries to get him to say it again, out loud, but he walks out of the office, refusing. Oh, they're just adorable together. So anyway, now Brandy's the new Miracle Girl, so Loni and Brandy are happy, and Peter's out of jail, so Peter and Amanda are happy, and Loni and Brandy are off the show, so the whole audience is happy. Isn't life swell?

"Enter, Fielding!" Matt is summoned into Dr. Dominick O'Malley's office; Matt is applying to be O'Malley's teaching assistant. I don't really know how you can be hired to be a teaching assistant halfway through a course that you're already taking, but he's the doctor. What do I know. "I hate butt-kissers," Dr. O says, so there goes Matt's chances for a date, "love eager beavers... now you're two-thirds of the way there, Fielding." To get the job, all Matt has to do is set Dominick up for a date with Jo. Matt is uncomfortable with the idea, but Dominick says that they can scratch each other's back. Then Dominick leans back in his chair, squints and smirks at Matt. This kind of look is about as far as Matt ever went with any of his boyfriends. Does this mean they're dating now?

Michael is getting ready to be discharged from the hospital when Peter pays him a visit. Michael sputters that he would have come forward to confess as soon as he found out that his partner was in jail, but then he got bopped by the burglar -- "lousy timing." Peter doesn't believe this anymore than the rest of us do, but he concedes that he would have done the same if the positions were reversed. Michael's apparently been infected with the confession fever that everyone else has tonight, and he tells Peter that when he gets home, he's going to tell Kimberly about Brandy. Peter says that Kimberly will kill him -- no, literally, she'll kill him. He and Amanda have decided to keep quiet about the whole thing, and he suggests Michael do the same. Then he checks out Michael's bandage, and painfully rips it off Michael's head: "Now, if you pull a stunt like this Brandy thing again, you'll know the true meaning of head injury." Peter stalks out, leaving Michael to rub his hurt skull and wonder what the true meaning of head injury could possibly be, if this isn't it.

Meanwhile, Matt has set up a date with Jo at Shooter's, and Jo limps in the door to meet him, disheveled and weighed down with camera equipment. Matt greets his friend warmly, crying, "What the hell happened to you?" Jo staggers to the barstool and explains, "I fell off a horse shooting a beer commercial." How weird -- why was a horse shooting a beer commercial? This is the kind of random accident that could only happen to Jo. She seems to inhabit some other universe where the rules are different. Then Dominick comes in, looking even more like a model in his snazzy Gap clothes. Matt stammers something about this not really being a date and ducks out, leaving Jo and Dominick together. Jo realizes that she was set up, but she puts up with it for now, cause here's Dominick sitting across from her squinting and smirking, which apparently is his only expression. I've seen stuffed animals with a wider emotional range. He tells her that he knows she's angry about being set up, but really, she should be flattered. Not feeling particularly honored, she says that she'll have one drink, and then she's gone. "Plenty of time," he nods.

Peter shows up at Amanda's apartment, where he finds her dressed only in a robe. He says he came to thank her and offers her a bunch of flowers. Tossing the roses on the floor, Amanda nags, "I saved your butt, Doctor. You think ten bucks worth of flowers will do the trick?" He admits that it wasn't very creative: "But you know us doctors, we're all left brain." Amanda agrees: "In advertising, however, it's 90% right brain." I always knew that between the two of them they had a whole brain! He asks for a proper way to thank her, and she suggests he take off his clothes. He promptly pulls his shirt off, then kisses her. "By the way," she says, opening her robe and showing him her breasts, "did I ever tell you how grateful I am for all the times you've rescued me?" They kiss again, and the camera pans down to their feet as her robe slips to the floor. Then he lifts her up; all we see is her heels rising from the floor as he apparently swallows her whole like a boa constrictor.

Meanwhile, Dominick walks Jo back home to Melrose Place. She's still whining, showing off her most attractive mood for her potential Dream Date. It turns out that she's been playing him like a violin this entire evening; he thinks he's about to score with her, but really she just wants him to agree to take another look at Tyler: "It may sound ridiculous, but I have very strong instincts in this area." "As well as a history," he observes. Bingo! That's the magic comment that brings forth yet another True Confession from Jo, who tells him that she once had a husband who drank too much and hit her. Dominick knows a potential scoring situation when he sees one, so he agrees to see Tyler again. Jo invites him to the park tomorrow afternoon; Laurie always takes Tyler there at three. "And here I thought I was setting you up," Dominick says -- and guess what? Yes! He squints and smirks again! This guy is very consistent; he developed one good look and he sticks with it.

I hate to be harping on this True Confessions thing. We strive for variety here at Melrose Space, but sometimes we just can't help it -- the Melrose writers just get a particular motif stuck in their craw, and they just won't let go. I'm afraid to say that the next scene is yet another confession. Let's take a deep breath and try to get through it together. This particular confession is made by Michael, who paces back and forth and spills his guts to Kimberly, who is wearing a housedress and methodically polishing silverware, firmly stuck in Betsyland. Michael admits that he had sex with one of the beauty contestants a few weeks ago, and Kimberly just doesn't take it well at all. Lovingly polishing a huge knife, she glares at Michael and coldly instructs him to leave. He agrees, maybe it would be better to take a walk on the beach and let them both cool down. "Get out, Michael," she snaps, and as he closes the door, she hurls the knife at him, and it sticks -- thwonnnnng! -- into the door. She sits, staring at the door, laser beams shooting out of her eyes.

The next morning, she's barricaded the door, and Michael is whining at the door like a forgotten puppy: "C'mon, Kimberly, locked out of the house all night? And it's been RAINING, and I slept in the CAR, I mean..." She tells him he has to move out; "it's dangerous to be near us." He's confused -- what you mean US, paleface? Kim hurriedly pretends that she's talking about their relationship, about the two of them. "Please go before it's too late," she says, slamming the door on him. He's got a puzzled, suspicious, squinty look on his face -- maybe after three months of this behavior, he might start to think that something might be, well, not quite right with his charming wife. Michael! Pull yourself together, boy! Wake up and smell the Prozac!

At Burns-Mancini, Jimmy the Happy Porn Merchant is all jumpy and excited because he's hoping to close a deal with a studio. Sydney couldn't care less; "Who cares anymore, he's gone," she mopes. "God, if only his father hadn't taken away his business!" Jimmy, who must have his finger on the pulse -- so to speak -- says that it wasn't Bobby's father who set him up; it was someone else. And where did Jimmy find this out, the National Enquirer? I find it hard to believe that Jimmy has contact with other human beings, much less that he's in touch enough to know something that Bobby himself hasn't been able to hear about. But you can't fault Jim on his facts; he tells Sydney that he heard Bobby's lawyer set him up, along with "someone she was doing." Sydney realizes that he's talking about Peter. Ding ding ding! Give that girl a cigar. It's about time someone figured out that little non-mystery. Now she knows enough to get Bobby back, and after that -- ha ha ha! She'll rule the world!

Meanwhile, in a slightly more wholesome storyline, Laurie is at the park exercising Tyler the Toddler when she spots the twin specters of Jo and Dominick heading her way. She approaches them, hands on hips: "Y'know, there's gotta be a law against this kind of harassment." (Yes, dear, I'm sure there is.) She insists that she wouldn't hurt her child and just wants to be left alone. But Dominick knows his True Confessions tricks by now, and he starts pushing her: "You're running from something, aren't you?" Is it her husband, or someone in the family? "Whoever it is, you're not responsible." Well, those must be the magic words again, because Laurie snaps like a twig and starts blabbing: "But what if it was my boyfriend and I allowed him into my home? Tony was so cool at first... and I needed a guy around, for Tyler..." Wait a minute. Does this mean Tyler dates guys? Anyway, the main point is that Laurie is broken but good, and she ends up sobbing on Dominick's big ol' chest. He tells her they're going to help -- they'll contact Child Services in Chicago and make sure that Tony stays far away from Tyler. Um, isn't Chicago to LA far enough? Does he beat the kid through psychokinesis or what? Then Tyler runs up to his mom and says some damn fool line like, "Mommy, look, it's my friends!" It's a pretty spooky moment, but luckily it ends with Laurie picking Tyler up and walking out of the shot and off the show. See ya, kid. Good luck with the rest of your life. Don't end up knocking over a convenience store or something; I know you child actors. Stay out of trouble.

That night, Jane and Richard stalk into Shooter's like zombies. What kind of date is this? They both look miserable as they hunker down at a table. Richard snappily tries to order from Alison, but she coldly replies that it isn't her station. Alison walks away, and Richard says he hopes Jane is keeping her mouth shut about New York. Then he heads for the bathroom, throwing a jaunty greeting Jake's way. Jake looks over at Jane, and she returns his gaze for a moment, then sadly looks away. Jake furrows his brow and tries to figure all this out, but he can't, and at this point I'm just too depressed to care. What a dark, Lynchian little scene.

Well, maybe a scene with the Amazing Bobby will cheer me up. We find Bobby doing some late-night work at the airplane hangar -- why is it that all these kids spend most of the day running around sleeping with each other and then work all night? LA must be a city of vampires. But I digress. Sydney approaches, and he warns her that if she's here to get him back, she should forget it. She chuckles: "I'm not THAT stupid... well, sometimes I am, but everybody makes mistakes!", which is the most cheerful and charming admission of stupidity I've ever heard. She smiles hopefully at Bobby and launches into a mini-sob story about how she tries so hard but gets rejected all the time. Bobby encourages her to get somewhere near a point. She tells him she's found out that it was Peter and Alycia who set up Bobby. She has absolutely no proof of this, of course, but somehow just saying the names to Bobby seems to set something off in his head. "So what're you going to do about it, Bobby?" she chirps. "Because if it's revenge that you're contemplating, I have a lot of experience in that area..." Looking like he's about to explode into a billion bite-size Bobby chunks, he orders her to get out. Syd backs away, having done her good deed for the day. Bobby thinks real hard, like he's plotting his revenge or has a toothache or something.

Meanwhile, Kim has gone out to dinner with Peter, who's dressed in a tight black sweatshirt like he's become the Ninja Doctor. "Betsy's back... and with a vengeance," she tells him. "Oh, Peter, it's so terrifying; I mean, I used to be a lot Kimberly and a little bit Betsy, and now it's the other way around. And the worst part is -- she's mean. Crazy mean." And what's REALLY scary is that she also used to be a lot Kimberly and a little Rita, and then she was a lot Rita and a little Betsy, and then she was a little Kimberly, a little Rita, AND a little Betsy, and then she was a little bit country and a little bit rock and roll, and THEN... oh, it's all very complicated; it would take a lot of charts and diagrams to explain the whole thing. The point is that Peter wants to check her into a mental hospital for a coupla decades until they can work the whole thing out. Kimberly's fine with that idea -- the Kimberly part of her was hoping that's what he'd suggest, although the Betsy part of her wants to go skeet-shooting. "My buddy Peter," she smiles. "Always checking me into loony bins." As the check comes, Kim takes a sip of tea, which magically transports her into another personality, although Peter can't tell because he can't hear the spooky incidental music that the rest of us can. Kimberly excuses herself to go to the bathroom, and Peter says he'll wait for her outside. Kim heads for the bathroom, but then scoots out through a back door, disappearing into the night.

Alycia arrives at Peter's office, and she's surprised to find a very drunk Bobby waiting for her. Somehow, Bobby managed to get into Peter's office. I can't figure out quite how he did it myself, but maybe it's best for Melrose viewers not to ask too many questions. Alycia says that she had a message to meet Peter, and Bobby tells her that when Peter checks his voice-mail, he'll find a message to meet her. (Because, as everyone knows, Bobby is a master mimic and can easily imitate Alycia's voice. He's known worldwide as the Rich Little of the ex-cable company owners' world. I hate to interrupt the action with these little notes, but otherwise you might mistakenly think that this whole plotline doesn't make a lick of sense. Shame on you for thinking that. Wrong, wrong, wrong.) "What did I ever do to you, Alycia?" Bobby roars. She backs off like a frightened deer, protesting that it was all Peter's idea. Bobby's not buying it: "You destroyed me! Bitch! You and Peter both!" He comes at her, and Alycia grabs a golf club that's lying on the desk and lifts it up and -- FORE! -- she whaps Bobby upside the head with it, sending him crashing through the plate-glass window and down a whole bunch of flights to a very crunchy death. Alycia stares at the golf club in disbelief, then looks out the window to see Bobby's dead but surprisingly still-intact body lying lifelessly on the pavement below. She can't seem to believe her eyes, and neither can I -- what kind of a world is it where big, dumb, cute boys like Bobby die, but Billy is still allowed to live? As you know, as the writer of these synopses, I try not to get personally involved, but this development is just making me cry. Sleep well, sweet, huge prince. You will be sorely missed. The only bright spot about the whole thing is that I was worried that when Bobby's enormous body hit the ground it would raise a huge cloud of dust that would blot out the sun and eventually extinguish all life on earth. So, all things considered, it's a pretty lucky break for all of us.

The next morning, Peter shows up at Amanda's house, having spent the whole night looking for Kimberly. Amanda has been notified of Bobby's death, and she seems pretty down in the mouth about it, considering that she dumped his Mr. Mook butt a while back. Amanda tells Peter that Bobby was murdered last night: "He was thrown out a window. Your office window. The police are looking for you." Struck with grief, Peter's first thought, of course, is for himself -- "Do they have a time of death?" She tells him it was 9:15, and Peter is overjoyed -- he was with Kimberly until 9:00; he has an alibi. Surprisingly, Amanda says she trusts him, although when he tries to kiss her, she's not very responsive. He leaves, and she hangs around on the couch and looks sad. Boy, are these two hard on Parezis, or what?

Suddenly it's night again, and Alison comes to work at Shooter's. Boy, that day went by pretty quickly; I guess time flies when nobody has a coherent storyline. Jake grabs Alison as she comes in the door; he's really obsessed about this Jane thing and just won't let it go. "I am about five seconds away from breaking up with someone that I happen to love," he cries, which just can't be true -- it would take more than five seconds for him to find Jane, unless he's planning to do it with his psychic powers. But I'm just splitting hairs again. And speaking of splitting hairs, isn't it time for Jake to grow his hair out again? This messy George Clooney do is getting old; even TV Guide said they didn't like it. Anyway. Back at the scene, the ever-helpful Alison says that she can't tell him anything: "You don't understand, she swore me to secrecy!" Well, thanks, Alison, you sure kept that secret REAL well. She tells Jake to go ask her himself. "All right, I will!" Jake says, heading for the door. Alison is helpful again: "No, Jake! Don't!" Hey, remember when Alison said she was going to mess this all up? Guess what! She was right!

Amanda finally shows up at work and talks to some nameless office drone. I guess since everyone who used to work there is either dead or fired or busy turning over a new leaf, she doesn't have anyone to talk to anymore. Maybe she can hire Tyler and Brandy; I hear they need work. The office drone blathers about some useless work-related thing, but the important thing is that Amanda plays her voice-mail message from Bobby: "Hey, gorgeous, it's me. Bobby! Guess where I am? Buzzzz! Peter's office! Anyway, so you know, it was Peter who set me up with that senator, the contributions? He sank my reputation so you'd dump me and he could have you all to himself. And how about that? It worked!... Wait, someone's coming, I think it's Peter. Gotta gooooo..."

But now let's check back in with Jake, who lurks outside Jane's apartment until she comes home, then follows her inside. "There is nothing to say, Jake," she protests, "everything is fine!" Which is so patently untrue that even Jake wouldn't believe it. He asks if she's having an affair with Richard; when she says no, he asks what happened in New York. Finally, Jane can't take it anymore, and she screams, "He raped me, all right? Richard raped me!" Faced with a clearly traumatized and hurting girlfriend, Jake does what any sensitive 90's guy would do... he turns around and walks out the door. Alison pops in just in time to see him go, and she asks Jane what's going on. Jane says that she told Jake the truth about what Richard did, "and now he's going to kill him." "And you didn't stop him?" Alison asks, incredulously. Jane shakes her head. "No. I let him go. I want him to kill him." Hearing this, Alison rushes out the door after Jake. Jane is left alone, looking so whisper-thin and sad that she's practically invisible. Even Aimee Mann herself doesn't look this much like Aimee Mann.

Peter arrives at the hospital and asks kooky Nurse Amy if she's seen Kimberly. Nurse Amy says she hasn't, but the police have been looking for him all day. "Just tell me where she is," Peter protests. "I need her; she's my alibi in all this." And I think this is WAY more than Nurse Amy really needs to know right now. Then two policemen show up and ask Peter to come to the station with them to discuss the collapse of Bobby's cable company and all the related nuttiness. Peter's about to go when there's a magic emergency call for him from Alycia, who's calling from a car phone. "I just wanted to call and say goodbye," Alycia sobs, explaining that when she saw the police at her house, she rented a car and took off. "You see, I killed him! I killed Bobby!" Peter tells her that the police suspect him, and she has to turn around and come back. "I loved you so much," Alycia whispers. "I still do." Peter lies and says that he cares for her and he'll help her -- which is nonsense, of course, he just wants her to come back so he's off the hook, but it seems to work. She says she'll come back, but then -- oops! She drops the car phone, and like an idiot, she takes both hands off the wheel and dives headfirst under the dashboard to fumble for it. She finds the phone, but when she pops back up for air, there's a huge semi-truck bearing right down on her! Alycia lets out a big ol' say-goodbye-to-a-lucrative-contract scream, and then there's a satisfying crunch as the semi puts an end to another guest star. The car phone ends up out on the street, where Peter is still trying to talk to her -- "Alycia, are you there? I'm losing you, you're breaking up!" Bada bing, bada boom! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, we're outta here! Have a good night, and remember, drive safely!

--written by Danny Horn

Amanda punches Peter in the face for setting Bobby up; Jake knocks Richard over the head with a motorcycle helmet while Alison tries desperately to stop him; Peter is driving Betsy to the police station when she sticks a syringe in his leg; Peter screams, "I don't need drug therapy!" as he is strapped to a gurney; and we swap Loni for Priscilla Presley who joins us as a psycho nurse.