Right, the episode. Yes. Well, we kick off in Amanda's office, with Officer Plotpoint of the Storyline Patrol getting right up in Amanda's face, questioning her about Peter's disappearance. He still thinks that Peter killed Bobby, and that Amanda knows where he is, but Amanda insists that Peter is missing, and that the police ought to stop pestering her and actually go out and find the boy. Our pal Officer P. thinks Amanda helped Peter disappear, "and if I find out that you're helping him, you're gonna wish you never crossed my path." Well, it's too late for that, we're all sorry already. Then Michael pops in for another day of playing the New Mod Squad game, so the police officer splits and Michael tells Amanda about another one of his weird denial dreams. According to Michael, he saw Kimberly today, and she's gone to Hawaii. Michael says that Kimberly doesn't know where Peter is -- she just loaned him her office while he was away -- and now she's left him and gone away. Poor Mikey is way upset: "I lost the love of my life, because your runaway killer either pushed her over the edge, or kidnapped her, or hell, I don't know! Maybe ran away with her!" Okay, Michael, maybe it would help if you took a deep breath and tried to rejoin the rest of us here on the planet Earth. C'mon in, the water's fine. Amanda tries to bring him back to reality, saying that the only way they're going to find out what happened to Kimberly is to find Peter, so Michael's going to have to help. Michael finally agrees, but vows, "if Peter has anything to do with Kimberly leaving me, he's gonna wish I'd never found him." He leaves Amanda alone to wonder why all the men in her life just run around making improbable empty threats.

So it's morning in LA again, and Billy has stopped in to Jake's for breakfast. Billy is dressed in his typical no-class suit jacket and black T-shirt, which tells me that not only is he too dumb to learn how to tie a tie, but he doesn't even know how to wear a clip-on. But Billy isn't there for fashion advice, he just wants to whine about Alison. Jake, who has absolutely no interest in seeing Billy and Alison get back together, tries dropping hints that Billy's been a jerk and that Alison just wants to be friends with him, if that. Billy pushes Jake, asking if Alison "still has a thing for me," and Jake finally admits that she probably still needs him. Billy gets all smug, and Jake has to start reading the paper before he gives in to his urge to smack Billy. Don't fight it, Jake. We all want you to do it.

So here comes Jo in her blue and white Donald Duck sailor top, and she finds Matt coming back from a refreshing jog around the courtyard. He's supposed to be sweating profusely, but only his head and shoulders are drenched with sweat, so apparently this new mysterious medical condition he has only makes him sweat from the neck up. He's obviously in terrible shape, and when Doctor Jo feels his head, she says he's burning up. Matt says he's doing fine; he just needs to lie down for a day or two. Jo watches Matt go into his apartment, and in Daphne's most natural moment this entire season, she wipes his sweat off of her fingers as she walks off camera.

Let's check in at Willow Bridge, where Kimberly has assembled all the mental patients so she can make a little speech so paranoid and self-incriminating that if Captain Queeg were in the room, even he might feel a little uncomfortable about it. Dr. Tucker is mercifully coming back from his vacation to clean up Betsy's mess in a few days, so meanwhile she's apparently slipped into a new bad-nanny personality and is using her new Mary Poppins accent to lecture everyone: "If any of you patients hope to rejoin society, there's something you should learn. Your treatment and medication are for your own good. If you fight me, your treatment becomes more severe." Peter, obviously, is Exhibit A. She's noticed that Louie, Willow Bridge's answer to Rain Man, seems to like Peter a lot, and she's even seen Nurse Benson looking at him "all cow-eyed"... "and that will stop!" Kimberly yells, as she grabs a clump of Peter's hair and snaps his head back. "I know this man for what he really is -- kidnapper, torturer, an evil, lying abuser!" Okay, so this is getting less and less professional all the time, and if everyone in the asylum hasn't figured out her game yet, they're as dumb as Michael is. Kim adjourns the meeting, and as Nurse Benson wheels Peter back to his cell, he whispers, "Help me... please help me..." Sorry, Peter, no can do -- nothing's allowed to happen in this episode. You have to stay here until the season finale. You know the rules.

Jane, looking for a sporting goods store, wanders into a trendy clothes boutique and meets Samantha, a long-haired young woman with a really big mouth who swallows most of her words. No quotes from Samantha in this synopsis, I'm afraid; I can't understand a damn thing that chick says. Jane's looking for a knit cap and gloves, but she figures this store doesn't carry that kind of thing, unless they've decided to pick up the new OJ Simpson line for the fashionable fugitive. Meanwhile, Samantha is way too impressed with the suede purple outfit Jane's sporting, gushing that it's totally hipper than anything they've got in the store. Jane admits to having designed the thing, and Samantha says they ought to get some of her clothes at the store, but it's probably too late anyway -- the owners are divorcing and they'll probably sell the place, and then Samantha will be out on the street again. "I talk too much," Sam smiles. No, dear, that's fine, we appreciate the exposition, you just need to pronounce the words so that the human ear can understand them. Jane hands Sam her business card, and says that maybe they'll be able to work something out so that Sam can stay there for as long as she wants. Yes, Jane is planning to murder her rapist ex- fiancee, so now is obviously a good time to be making future business plans. Jane and Samantha give each other these long, lingering looks as Jane leaves the store, and if I read those looks right, I think they're dating now.

Jane immediately runs over to Michael's office, and finds him suddenly swamped with patients. He hasn't seen a patient this whole season, and all of a sudden the office is full to the brim with LA's sick and injured. Jane pulls Michael into a private room, then hits him up for cash for her new lame-brained business concept. After all, she's destroyed, what, twelve fashion design firms so far? I'm sure it wouldn't hurt to buy a failing clothes boutique too. Michael has no time for Jane's ridiculous propositions, so he urges her to hit up her sister for funds: "Hell, you could blackmail her!" You see, sometime around five months ago when that whole Sydney-drugging-Jane-and-paralyzing-her storyline was in full swing, Michael found out that it was Sydney who put the pills in Jane's drink. I don't remember exactly how that happened, but he must have -- after all, this is Melrose. They never screw up on continuity. Nooooo no no. So let's just take it for granted that Michael knows, and he spills it to Jane, then runs off. Moments later, Sydney finally shows up for work, having spent the morning at the airport seeing Bobby off on his "final flight to Florida." (So that's where ex-mobsters go when they die!) Sydney sees Jane and tries to say hi, but Jane just blows past her without a word, slamming the door on the way out. Sydney asks Michael why Jane was acting so weird, and a distracted Doctor Mike tells her that he revealed Sydney's crime. Sydney is as surprised as we are -- yeah, Syd, we thought that storyline was wrapped up too.

But enough of Sydney and her months-old storyline. We're just itching to move that Peter thing along inch by agonizing inch, so let's get to it. Peter is strapped down in his little cell, which is supposed to be a scary hole but is actually a private room bigger than my whole apartment. If I didn't have to be strapped down and force-fed medication, I'd move there myself. Anyway, Nurse Benson shows up with his nighttime feeding, and Peter asks for "a little favor" -- the injections are killing him, and he'd rather take the medications in pill form. Benson clearly has no skills at dealing with patients, so she says she'll have to check with Dr. Shaw. Peter starts pouring on all the charm that a restrained unwashed mental patient can muster, saying that Benson has to help him since she's so compassionate and beautiful and famous and all. "What do they call you?" he asks. "Benson," she says. "Nurse Benson." (And somewhere in the background, I'm sure I can hear Inga Swenson's voice: "I can heeeeear yooooou!") Peter asks for a kiss on the cheek as the sedative knocks him out, and Benson finds herself strangely drawn to this insane man with messy hair. She bends down to kiss him on the cheek, but he quickly turns his head and gets her full on the lips. She pulls away, getting all starched on him, and leaves. Peter looks up at the bedpost, and if he could move his arm, he'd put another notch on it.

Can't get enough of that storyline? Next, Amanda storms into Michael's office and tells him that she's checked the passenger manifests for all the flights to Hawaii, and Kimberly ain't on 'em. There also haven't been any hotel reservations in her name in ALL OF HAWAII, AND YES, AMANDA HAS CHECKED. She's a Special Guest Star and that means she can do anything she wants, no matter how impossible. Michael is a little confused: "Where'd you get this? Isn't this illegal or something?" Amanda explains that she has "friends in the airline business." Yes, dear, I'm sure you do. I'm sure you have "friends" in just about every industry in the world, including electronics retail and crowd estimation. Amanda insists that something is going on, and Michael has to help her figure it all out. Michael, honestly, everything will go fine for you as long as you learn the new rule of Melrose Place: Amanda is Always Right. Memorize that rule, kids, we'll be using it again later.

Jo and Dominick are out on yet another date -- what did these two do at night before they met each other? -- and they stop by Matt's apartment. He answers the door in his bathrobe, sweating more than ever. Matt still insists that he's just fine, and then passes out in Dominick's arms. Wow, even when he's at death's door he's still making passes at cute men. Matt, my hat is off to you; you're my new role model. Dominick runs into Matt's apartment to call an ambulance, leaving Jo to uncomfortably prop Matt up on her knee. Jo tries to be all supportive and helpful but the look on her face lets you know that she can't help noticing that Matt is covered in sweat and it's all just so icky.

Matt is rushed to the hospital and immediately plugged into every machine they can find. They have absolutely no idea what's wrong with him, so Dominick orders random tests for everything he can think of, including swine flu, malaria and pregnancy. Then he announces to Jo that Matt's condition is stabilized but he still has a high fever and a lame storyline that they're now permanently trapped in. Dominick asks Matt if anything's happened to him, and Matt finally admits the whole problem with Jerry the sick street kid. Matt hasn't told anyone about it because he didn't want to look like an incompetent. "That's completely unacceptable!" Dominick yells. "You not only look incompetent, you are." And wouldn't it be fun if those were the last words Matt heard before slipping into a coma or something? Anyway, Dominick rushes out, yelling, "You better hope we find that kid." And why exactly do we need to find the kid who infected Matt? What is this, rabies, and we need to find the dog that bit him? Just make with the diagnosis. Anyway, Jo follows Dominick out into the hall and starts nagging him about how he wasn't very nice to Matt. "If there's one thing I can't stand in people, it's stupidity," Dominick says, so obviously he can't last long on this show. Jo bares her teeth at him and walks away.

So, ladies and gentlemen, what is it that Michael needs? That's right! A clue! And Amanda's going to find him one. Michael's brought all of Kimberly's records that he could find to Amanda's office, and Miss Nancy Drew herself is looking over all the bank statements, telephone bills and laundry lists looking for some kind of evidence. Michael drones on about how they don't even know that Kimberly has MPD, since the person who diagnosed her is a wanted murderer. "Shut up, Michael," Amanda snaps as she calls Kimberly's bank. Posing as Kimberly, she uses the password Michael provides her to check on the amount and location of Kimberly's last few ATM transactions. Tossing privacy to the wind, the bank obediently fulfills her every request, without making her listen to a recorded message or press buttons or anything. Amanda hangs up and tells Michael that Kim' s last transactions were both from a machine in Merton -- "I know where it is, it's a small town north of Sacramento," says Miss Rand McNally. Now hitch up the wagon and be vewy, vewy quiet -- we're hunting psychos!

Back at the institution -- and don't worry, kids, we'll be going back and back and back this whole episode -- Nurse Benson has brought the pills rather than the injections. Peter asks if she can unstrap him. Benson says that Kimberly wants him in restraints full time -- which means, of course, that all this time he's been seducing her, he's been lying in his own filth. You gotta hand it to a guy that can get away with that. Benson starts yapping about her whole life story and how she's never really had a life outside the institution. "I can make you happy," he says, and kisses her again. He begs her to take him away from this hell -- she can take him out at night to her home and then bring him back and strap him down in the morning. Yeah, I've had relationships like that too. "I have to think about this, I have to think about this," she sighs as she gives Peter his pills and straps him back down. "I'll be waiting here for you," he says. Yeah, no duh, Peter, you're tied down. When she leaves, he spits the two pills back out into his hand. Great, Peter, good job. Now if you can just make a ladder out of those pills, you can escape through the window.

Alison arrives at Shooters to wait for Billy, because even though they live in the same building, they'd much rather meet for their date in a crowded bar. She's got a red Crayola dress on, and Jake greets her with a loud "Wow! You look like a million bucks!" And she's even marked down. Alison tells Jake that Billy's taking her out to dinner, and for some strange reason, she seems almost pleased about the whole thing. Jake, showing a sneaky streak we've rarely seen before, says that it's nice that Billy's making an effort to make it up to Alison, "even if it is just to be friends." That sinks in just as Billy comes in the door and leads Alison out, leaving Jake with yet another unpaid-for drink sitting on the bar.

Dominick shows up at the apartment complex to bring Jo a bunch of flowers that he probably stole from one of the dying patients at the hospital. He apologizes -- again -- for being insensitive, and she chews him out -- again -- and asks if Dominick has apologized to Matt. He says he doesn't need to; Matt's the one that screwed up. Jo blows up: "And he's paying for it, isn't he, Doctor God?" Ooh, it's so cute that they have little nicknames for each other now. She asks if he's planning to drum Matt out of medical school once he gets better, and Dominick says that maybe he will. "You don't have a drop of human blood in you, do you?" Jo asks, and informs Dominick that she's going to take his flowers to Matt. Dominick is very hurt by Jo's unfair accusations -- he does too have a drop of human blood in him. In fact, he has two.

Billy takes Alison to a super-swanky Beverly Hills restaurant. He can afford to take her anywhere he wants, because after all, this is Melrose Place, and the chances of them actually finishing and paying for a meal is practically nil. Alison starts rambling about how she's finding deeper satisfaction working as a waitress than she ever did when she had, y'know, a real career, and Billy's attention is understandably wandering. When she finally pauses in her monologue, Billy looks up distractedly and answers, "Yeah, I do." She looks at him incredulously, trying to figure out what conversation he thinks he's taking part in. Then Billy greets a couple of colleagues walking by, and pours himself another glass of champagne from the huge bottle that he apparently ordered all for himself, being incredibly sensitive to the feelings of his ex-alcoholic ex-girlfriend, who is clearly ex-interested in this entire exhibition. Okay, let me get this straight, I thought Billy was NOT being a jerk anymore. And the difference here would be? Anyway, Billy goes off on how Alison's going to come back to work at D&D, and they'll be working together all over again. Alison realizes that the date she's having and the date that Billy is having are only tangentially related to each other, so she decides to call the whole thing quits. She gets up, and Billy protests that he's really trying to please her -- he even asked Jake what she wanted from him. This pisses off Alison even more, so she keeps walking. "Alison, come back here!" he barks, like she's a naughty girl that needs a good spanking.

Sydney shows up at Jane's apartment with just the lamest excuse for the whole pills-in-the- champagne thing that you can think of, trying to tell Jane that she meant to put the pills in her OWN drink and then, I suppose, paralyze herself. Jane, paying no attention, picks up her gun off the coffee table. Sydney takes one look at the gun and starts freaking out, babbling, "I think maybe we should talk when you're feeling a little bit more rational -- y'know, I'm not really comfortable around instruments of death." Jane agrees that they'll talk later, and Sydney bolts. Jane happily plays with her gun.

The next morning, Alison shows up at Jake's apartment and chews him out for getting into her personal life and talking to Billy about her. "My god," she yells, chattering like a chipmunk, "it's like the two of you are working out ways for him to get me into bed!" Jake objects, saying that Billy came to him, and he was just being Billy's friend. "Are you my friend?" Alison screams. "Then keep my secret!" Okay, fine, Alison, we'll all keep your secret, just as soon as you tell what the heck you're talking about. Do you even have a secret? Have you been helped?

Michael and Amanda find the bank machine in Merton, and Amanda leads Michael into the nearby coffee shop. They're inconspicuously dressed, which for Amanda means jeans so tight that you can count her rings and see how old she is. They walk into the coffee shop and inconspicuously quiz the chatty waitress, showing her a photo of Kimberly and finding out that she gets her dinners delivered to the Royal Oaks Motel. Sniffing their new clue, Amanda and Michael inconspicuously bolt from the coffee shop without ordering anything.

At the hospital, Dominick tells Matt and Jo that they found Jerry the sick street urchin. And then where did they take him? To the Jerry-atric ward! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, the only actual joke in this whole synopsis. So Dominick has good news and bad news for Matt -- the bad news is that Jerry had spinal meningitis, and the good news is that he's dead. Matt is less than thrilled about this turn of events. So now they'll do a spinal tap on Matt, and then they'll get him on a penicillin IV drip. I mention these things because I'm sure you care just as much as I do about the details of Matt's health care. Matt, being a saint, is only concerned that it was his fault that Jerry died. Dominick tries to pull his sensitive act again, assuring Matt that it wasn't his fault, and when he gets well, he'll make "a terrific, if overly compassionate, doctor." Matt perks up and gets all cheery because now everything's going to be okay, since Doctor God said two nice words to him. Jo holds Matt's hand and tries to pretend that it isn't really weird that she's the only one of Matt's friends or relatives who's bothered to show up and care for him on his deathbed.

Michael and Amanda arrive at the Royal Oaks Motel, and they see Kimberly driving into the motel. Now, I'm perfectly willing to use the same joke for as long as the Melrose writers are willing to use the same dialogue, so here goes: Michael suggests that Kimberly and Peter are together at the motel, having an affair, and boy, isn't he in denial? See? I can keep this up for as long as you can, guys. Don't push me. Michael goes into the motel to see what he can find out, and he asks the aged country-fried clerk if he's seen Dr. Burns or Dr. Shaw -- there's an emergency with one of their patients. "Pepperidge Farm remembers," the clerk says. No, he doesn't really, but honestly, didn't you expect him to? The clerk answers that Dr. Shaw is staying there, but she's not taking any calls, unless they're from Willow Bridge. Michael inconspicuously asks where Willow Bridge is, and the clerk obligingly gives him directions.

Cut to Willow Bridge, where Nurse Benson comes into Peter's room and gives him a master key so that he can break out in an hour and come to her house for a night of passionate monkey sex, and maybe a shower or a change of underwear or something. And boy, isn't she being forward for a woman who hasn't told Peter her first name yet? Maybe her first name is Nurse. She leaves and Peter goes back to sleep. Really!

And just in case you think they couldn't be wasting any more time with this storyline, we get to see thirty seconds of Michael and Amanda TURNING THE CAR AROUND. I swear to you this happens. They drive forward for a while and then they decide to turn around and drive the other way. End of scene.

So then it's back to Peter, who uses Benson's key to sneak out of his room. As he's sneaking down the hall, Crazy Louie, the comic relief mental patient, sees him and starts banging on the door saying that he wants to come too. Peter clearly has had way too many of those injections, since he opens Louie's door and drags him along. Then Louie says he won't leave without his friend Marco, so Peter opens Marco's door too, and it's getting to be like five o'clock at the day care center with the three of them shuffling out of the asylum together. And isn't that what you'd do if you were trying to break out of someplace? Bring Louie and Marco along? Honestly, Peter, if you're going to act like this much of an idiot, we might as well go back to watching Michael and Amanda turn the car around again. The three stooges head outside, where Benson is shocked to see them bumbling down the steps like the Banana Splits on thorazine: "What in God's name are these two doing with you?" she yells. Peter breaks it to her gently: "Nurse, this isn't a love affair, this is a break. Now I need your car, we're getting out of here." Benson starts to yell that he's betrayed her, so Peter grabs her as she bangs on the emergency button. (No! That's the history eraser button, you fool!) Instead of running away -- y'know, through that open gate towards safety or anything -- Peter decides to hang around and wrestle with Nurse Benson until the guys in the white coats come and clobber everybody and drag them away. Just as all the mental patients are locked away, Michael and Amanda finally arrive just in time to get a good dose of Benson's scorned-woman act. They show her a picture of Peter and ask if she's seen him, but she says he's not there and bangs the gate shut. Seems like she's really broken up about Lisa Marie's divorce and has no patience for Jessica Fletcher and Hercule Poirot, Junior. Michael and Amanda shrug and walk back to their car, but upstairs in the institution, Peter can see them through the window as the orderlies gag him and Kimberly sticks a big needle in her neck. Fortunately, that's the same needle that stuck Jerry the street urchin, and Peter gets spinal meningitis and dies.

So the next morning, it's time for another weird motivational speech by Kimberly, who paces back and forth and lectures everyone at Willow Bridge about how Peter has broken their trust, and now they'll change his behavior forever. He'll be given a temporal lobotomy, which I've never heard of and sounds kind of like they're just going to take out the part of his brain that lets him tell time. Louie gets all agitated -- and haven't we all come to dread another scene with Louie -- and says, "I have to go pee." Kimberly thanks him for sharing and lets him go. Still pacing a groove in the floor, Kimberly announces to Peter, "You are about to discover a clean and simple way of living -- living without thinking." Oh, no! They're going to turn him into Billy! Hurry, Michael and Amanda! There's no time to lose!

Meanwhile, Michael and Amanda are cooling their heels at yet another small town diner, and Michael decides to call Sydney and check in with the office. Sydney tells Michael about how she's busily referring their entire patient base to other doctors when another call comes through, and she puts Michael on hold. She finds herself talking to Louie, who has somehow channeled Peter's office number from out of the sky. Louie tells Sydney that Peter is at Willow Bridge, and "they're going to do his brain!" Sydney can't even begin to guess what Louie's talking about, so she hangs up on him. An orderly drags Louie away as Sydney goes back to Michael and chuckles about the lunatic calling from Willow Bridge about Peter's brain. Michael, who can recognize a coincidental plot point as well as the next guy, hangs up on Sydney and tells Amanda that they have to head back to the nuthouse. And we know what that means -- another turning-around scene! To the Batpoles!

Back at Melrose Place, Dominick shows up at Jo's door with a flower and a little speech about how he always thought that he was trying to protect his patients from the pain and confusion of disease, but really he was just trying to protect himself, and the more he's around Jo, he realizes that's not necessary, so now can he come into her apartment and finally get to have sex with her? And guess what? It works!

Down in the courtyard, Jane grabs Sydney and drags her by the scruff of the neck into her apartment. "Sit," Jane orders, and Syd starts to babble about how sorry she is for the poisoning. Jane shuts her up and moves on to more timely issues, telling Syd that she was raped by Richard in New York. Syd expresses concern, but Jane says, "I'm fine, because I have a plan, and you're part of it." Sure, Jane, that's great. Reeeal healthy. Why don't you blow up his boat while you're at it. Jane explains that she has Sydney "over a barrel" because of the pills -- that doesn't make a lot of sense to me, but that's okay, I don't really understand why Jane thinks that Sydney's going to be a big help anyway. Jane says that Sydney is going to help her kill Richard, which I guess puts Sydney into the Amy Fisher role, which makes Jane Joey Buttafuoco. Or is it the other way around?

Amanda and Michael head back to the asylum and ring the bell, but nobody's answering the door. ("Damn trick-or-treaters!") Meanwhile, up in the procedure room, Kimberly is drawing a big "X" on the side of Peter's head while Nurse Benson opens up the E-Z Home Lobotomy Kit. Kimberly explains that the anesthesia will allow him to stay awake: "You won't feel any pain, but I will get the distinct pleasure of seeing that manipulative little light in your eyes as it goes out for the last time." Benson still doesn't seem to notice that Kimberly seems a little too involved with this particular patient. And outside, Michael and Amanda go around to the side of the building. Want to break into a huge old mental institution with bars on the windows? Sure, we all do! Well, just use Michael and Amanda's method -- take a big stick and just break those bars right off the window. It's so easy a child could do it. They crawl through the window and it looks like we're just about ready for Amanda's kung-fu version of Die Hard. But they'd better hurry! Up in the procedure room, Kimberly and Benson don their surgical masks as Kim fires up the big ol' rusty drill. It's tool time! The drill inches closer to Peter's skull...

--written by Danny

**PREVIEWS FOR NEXT WEEK'S 2-HOUR SEASON FINALE: Jake and Alison kiss, Jane points a gun in Richard's face and tells him to beg for his life, Amanda tells a now-jailed Peter that wives can't testify against their husbands and then proposes marriage to him, and Kimberly goes over a railing as Michael screams her name.