Welcome back to another evening of mayhem! You're just in time to see drill sergeant Kimberly fire up her trusty tool and give Peter a new hole in his head, but wait, what's this? Dave the Guard rushes in and interrupts, telling Kim that they've caught two people sneaking in, who say they're friends of hers. Kimberly shuts off the drill and orders Nurse Benson to sew the incision in Peter's head back up so the stuffing doesn't fall out, then take him back to his room. Benson's disappointed, but suture self, Kimberly. (Yes. It's a joke. Read it again.) Then Kim goes out into the hall to face Michael and Amanda, who are pulling the usual "take your hands off me" routine with the guards. "Look, sweetie, we're just a little confused here," Michael says, so Kimberly helpfully explains that she's moonlighting here at Willow Bridge while Dr. Tucker is away. She says that Peter fled to the asylum to escape prosecution, because of course if you wanted to run away from being locked up in a tiny jail cell, the first thing you'd do is go to an insane asylum to hide in a tiny jail cell. Makes sense to me. Kim tells them she'll lead them to his room, but when they enter the room, she yells, "Bye bye, suckers!" and tries to slam the door on them. But Michael pushes against the door just in time, knocking over Kim and the guards like bowling pins, and he and Amanda scurry down the hall. Kimberly jumps up and slaps an emergency button, screaming, "Lockdown! Search every room, every closet until you find them!" Every closet? Hey, guys, you might also want to search the hall that you just watched them run down. Try that first. With a majestic sweep of her arm, Kimberly commands her winged monkeys to fly, fly!

The next morning, Sydney and Jane are feeding pigeons in the park, and Jane is explaining her new philosophy to her stunned sister: "He's a monster and he always will be. No one can stop him - not God, not Jake, not the police. Only us." Well, okay, maybe GOD could stop him, but he's probably kind of busy right now, what with running the whole universe and everything. But it's nice to see that Jake's getting second billing right under God these days. Sydney recommends professional help for Jane, but Jane says she's not crazy - "in fact, I've never had more clarity. Richard has to die." By the way, Jane is currently wearing an ascot. Just wanted to point that one out. Continuing the religious theme, Sydney reminds Jane that "thou shalt not kill" is in the Bible, and that she's concerned about her sister's afterlife. Doesn't she believe in Hell? "No, but I believe in the Devil," Jane spits. "You're going to help me kill him." Jane wanders off, and Sydney slouches back on the park bench and starts munching on the bread, so I guess that means the pigeons are just going to have to go hungry today.

Meanwhile, let's continue the vermin motif by checking in on Michael and Amanda, who are hiding like rats in a heating duct facing a Willow Bridge storage room. They're trying to figure out what to do and don't seem to be having any major brainstorms. Amanda wants to call the authorities, but Michael gallantly says that he doesn't want anyone to get hurt, including Kimberly. Then one of those burly guards arrives to give the storage room another once-over, and in the heating duct, a cute, fairly well-fed rat comes up and starts nuzzling Amanda's foot. Apparently the rat is upset that Michael and Amanda are encroaching on its turf - "Hey, this is my corner!" it squeaks. Amanda doesn't take this well at all and cries out as Michael tries to keep her quiet. The guard hears her and looks up into the duct, but by the time he gets there, Michael and Amanda have scooted down a little bit and are well hidden. It's unclear what happens to the rat after this, but I'm sure he makes out okay. It's a shame, the rat is really one of the most endearing guest stars they've had in the last couple of months; they should have taken the time to develop that character more. I certainly liked him better than Julie Newmar.

So let's hurry back to Matt's bedside. Jo and Jake have both shown up to visit Matt at the hospital, which apparently is more than his own mother can manage, but who am I to judge. Matt isn't feeling any better and is so feverish that his eyes are burning, but the only thing he seems to be worried about is missing a med school test. Then he decides that he feels like he's going to die, closes his eyes and loses consciousness. Jo gets all uptight about it and I really wanted Matt to sit up and cry "April Fool!" but no such luck, Dr. Jake points out that Matt is just sleeping. They walk out into the hall together, and Jo tells Jake that it's just occurred to her that he might die. Jake puts his arms around Jo and hugs her, and of course, Dominick just happens to be lurking in the hallway, and his eyes narrow when he sees Jake walking Jo to the elevator with his arm around her. And there's so much to worry about in this scene - Matt's illness, Dominick's jealousy, Jake's haircut which just isn't growing out well at all - that I can't help but reflect on the complexity and fragility of life. How painful, how miraculous, how beautiful life is. Thank you, Melrose Place, for letting us laugh at spinal meningitis again.

Okay, are we ready for foreshadowing? At Mancini-Hart, we see Richard berating his contractor over the phone, telling him that he's tired of the work on his house not being done - he has to walk around to the side of his house to get in, which makes him the perfect target for a mugger. Why he would get mugged around the side of his house and not the front is a little mystery for us to puzzle over; maybe the side of his house is in a bad neighborhood or something. Then Jane shows up, still wearing her weird ascot scarf. She's come to drop off sketches, but Richard takes the opportunity to make another icky move on her, telling her that he misses having her around the office. She says she misses him too, so he asks for a kiss. After some sexually harassing prompting, she finally plants one on his cheek, and he smiles and says "Good girl." All of this is supposed to remind us how much we hate Richard - in his own words, "Thank you for reminding me how vile you can be" - but frankly, the only thing he could do at this point to make me dislike him more would be to renegotiate Loni Anderson's contract. On his way out the door to a meeting, he says, "Jane, next time? On the lips." And oh what a charmer he is. When he's gone, she murmurs to himself that next time it'll be between the eyes, then flips open the company checkbook to lift a few pages of checks.

At Shooters, Billy is once again whining to Jake about how Alison hates his guts, and then Alison shows up to hate his guts in person. Jake pushes the two of them together to talk, and Alison is understandably irritated, as anyone would be if they were forced to talk to Billy. Jake makes a hasty exit as Billy announces to Alison that he wants to make amends to all the people he burned. Alison clearly couldn't care less and says that it probably won't change her feelings for him. "Well, key word: probably," Billy says. And since when does Billy talk like a Lexis/Nexis database? Yikes. He may have left his wedding ring on Brooke's gravestone, but as far as I'm concerned, key word: doofus. Alison walks away, so Jake comes back for his three-minute update on their relationship and Billy says that his foot is back in the door, not to mention in his mouth.

So let's move on to a much more pleasing image - Dominick lying naked on top of Jo. Apparently she's not responding or calling him Doctor God or something, because he's pulling his largeness off of her and crabbing that she's clearly not into him tonight. She protests that it's not him - she just hasn't been the same since Kennedy was shot. No, actually she says that she's worried about Matt, even though Dominick already called the hospital and found out that Matt's fever broke and he's out of the woods. And I'm sure that Doug Savant couldn't be more thrilled that the turning point in his character's current storyline is being acted out as dialogue in someone else's sex scene. Dominick asks if it's something else, and it looks like Jo's about to tell him she's allergic to all the bronzer he has on, but then he points out that she never told him that she was monogamous. He starts to get up, and Jo protests, "Wait a second, you can't just say something like that and then put your pants on." His face gets all crinkly like an apple-head doll, and he tells her that he saw a guy at the hospital with his arms around her. She starts laughing and says that Jake's just a friend, but she's amused to see Dominick feeling insecure. She likes to see him not in control for a change - "in fact, it kind of turns me on." "You're a very strange woman, y'know that?" he responds. "Maybe," she says. "But that kind of turns you on, doesn't it?" She kisses his shoulder and makes a proposition: "You come back to bed and we'll take turns being in control. First we'll do it my way, which means nice and slow." So he hefts himself back on top of her and they start to kiss and I don't really understand what her problem was in the first place, but I guess everything's fine again. Another success for sex therapy.

Speaking of nice and slow, let's see what's happening with the Peter-in-the-bughouse storyline. Peter is drugged out but not technically lobotomized at this point - a description which actually fits the average Melrose viewer quite well too - and he's slumping in a wheelchair in the main playroom in the asylum. Louie invites Peter to play a game of solitaire, and then Michael and Amanda wander in wearing gray bathrobes, trying desperately to mix with the rest of the patients. Amanda spots Peter and coos softly to him, but he's in a fog and can't really focus. Michael and Amanda try to push Peter's wheelchair out of the room, but then Louie starts yelling, "No! That's against the rules! That's against the rules!" Clearly, Peter's first job when he was recaptured should have been to tape Louie's mouth shut with duct tape. Nurse Benson spots them and runs after them, but just as they reach the exit, the double doors swing open, and Kimberly strides in like the sheriff in High Noon. She smiles sweetly at them. "End of the line, psychos."

The next morning, Kimberly's got all three of her pals locked up tight, and she tells the guards, Dave and Ziggy, that people are coming from a sanitarium in Arizona to fetch the "escapees." Dave says that he checked the intruders' ID's and found that one of them is a doctor, but Kimberly insists that they're extremely dangerous escaped mental patients. Or maybe they're extremely dangerous escaped doctors. Frankly, at this point she could probably say that Michael and Amanda are extremely dangerous mermaids from Venus and Dave and Ziggy would eat it up with a spoon. Kimberly informs them that they are the only ones who know where Amanda, Peter and Michael are. Dave and Ziggy scurry back to work, and Benson approaches Kimberly to ask where Mr. Peters is. Kim says that he's been moved so that Benson won't see him again. Benson also asks about the two intruders, whose car is still outside. By now, Kimberly is lying like a Republican spin doctor, and says, "Well, maybe they had a dead battery. As far as I know, they've left." Now, even a soul as simple as Nurse Benson can't be asked to swallow all of this, but Kimberly dismisses Benson, reminding her that she has other patients to care for. Benson is left to wonder what's really going on and also to try to think of a decent first name.

Michael, Amanda and Peter have been locked up in a huge boiler room, which must be the Disney World of boiler rooms - it's got all these chutes and ladders and steam vents and walkways and it looks like the set of a Madonna video. Peter's drugs are starting to wear off, so he can focus enough to tell Amanda that she looks great. "For having spent the night with rats," Amanda adds, so I guess she must be referring to Michael. But he's right, she does look great - the Melrose version of how you look after spending the night in a boiler room is sort of tousled and disheveled, like they spent the day walking on the beach and haven't had time to comb their hair. Peter tells Amanda how he ended up here, and you can tell that he's been away from his surgery practice for too long, because he uses the word "hyperdermic." Amanda complains that Kimberly ought to be lobotomized herself, but Denial King Michael comes to Kimberly's defense, saying that he's not giving up on her. Which would be really sweet and romantic if it wasn't also impossibly stupid.

Back at Melrose, Jane emerges from her apartment dressed in another boxy mannish suit with another ascot tied around her neck. Apparently she's so comfortable with herself that she's willing to be seen in public looking like Fred from Scooby Doo. Alison jogs by and hails Jane, saying that she left five messages on Jane's answering machine. Apparently she hasn't taken the hint and asks if Jane is too busy for her "best friend." Jane has no time for girl talk and informs Alison that "right now, my best friend is me," which sounds like her entry for the Joycelyn Elders Solo Sex Slogan Competition. Alison the therapy queen reminds Jane that You Can't Stop People From Caring, and she and Jake want to help. Jane gives her some advice: "Well, maybe you two need to get a life, or at least find someone else to obsess on. Hell, maybe you and Jake should date each other; that way you'd both be off my back." Jane turns to leave and you can just see the pinwheels turning in Alison's head.

Abracadabra! Presto-changeo! Doctor Doug Henning must have stopped by, because now Matt has magically recovered. His hair has gel in it again, so you can tell that he's spontaneously recovered from his near-fatal illness. Now he has nothing else to worry about except Jo and Dominick's relationship, so when Jo comes to visit - again - all he can talk about is how great Dominick is. I would suspect that Matt is living vicariously through Jo, but that's such a scary thought that I can't even contemplate it. We have enough problems with one person living Jo's life.

The fully ascotted Jane is summoned to the clothes store by wide-mouthed boutique chica Samantha so that Jane can make an offer to store owner Margot, an Emma Samms clone with a French toast accent. Samantha introduces Jane, but Margot replies, "Non int'odocktion nacassa'y. Ahm a beeg fahn off your deesahns." Keeping a straight face, Jane says she's interested in buying the store, but Margot sadly informs her that there's already been another potential buyer who's made a substantial offer. At least I think that's what she says, I can't understand a damn word. Jane says she'll top the offer if Margot can tell her how much it is, but Margot is still bitter about the whole EuroDisney thing and answers that that's not legal. (Actually, she says it's not "liggal," but let's not split hairs.) Margot tries to ditch Jane so she can go back to her office but Jane clutches her arm and pleads that she was counting on this. Margot invites her to make an offer - maybe she'll be lucky. Special Reminder: This is Pointless Plot Element #2, which has absolutely nothing to do with Richard's murder. Apparently Jane is moonlighting from her own storyline.

Back at Willow Bridge, Dave and Ziggy stop Kimberly in the hall for another Moron Institute of Technology staff meeting. Seems they've got this nutty idea in their heads that the "escapees" should be in cells rather than the boiler room. Kimberly patiently explains that this is a special case - the patients are murderers, and they killed several asylum workers in Arizona. Now that just seems to be even more of a reason to put them in cells, but what do I know. Meanwhile, Nurse Benson dons her cloak of invisibility and eavesdrops on this conversation from about six inches away. Ziggy wants to throw the prisoners some food - after all, it's been a whole day, and Amanda is skinny enough - but Kimberly says she's scheduled them for surgery. The people from Arizona asked her to do lobotomies on all three of them. And why not? There's nothing better on a hot day than a nice, cool, refreshing lobotomy. Lobotomies for everyone! Bartender, set up the house; it's on me! Benson's eyes grow wider as she watches Kimberly walk off to inventory her drill bits.

Meanwhile, in the boiler room, the three prisoners are turning on each other like rabid dogs. Michael blames Peter for the whole mess, accusing him of mistreating Kimberly. "That is such garbage!" Amanda snaps. "Every day that you have been in her life, you have driven her closer to the brink of insanity." "Hey, hey, what is this? Blame Michael Day?" says the poor wounded boy. He's still under the impression that he can bring Kimberly back to herself if he can just flash his puppy dog eyes at her. All of a sudden, Amanda can't breathe and starts getting dizzy, so the three amigos climb up on the scaffolding to get some fresh air from a broken window up there. Why they don't try to climb out through the broken window I don't know; they seem pretty lackadaisical about the whole escape concept.

And after all that heart-stopping ladder-climbing action, it's time for a coffee break. Jane - still with the ascot - lures Samantha to a trendy coffee shop and attempts to seduce her with lattes, inviting Sam to stay on as assistant manager when Jane buys the store. Samantha says she would if she were staying in LA, then spins a sob story about how her ex-boyfriend wants her to move out, and she can't afford her apartment alone, so obviously the only choice open to her is to move to Central America and find work as a freelance freedom fighter. Suddenly, Jane's brain skips a groove, and she invites Samantha to come move into her one-bedroom apartment. Samantha is touched by this alluring offer to become Pointless Plot Element #3, but Jane says that none of this will matter if she can't beat the other offer, hint hint. Sam finally figures out what this is all about and writes the figure "$197,500" on a napkin. Jane nods and tries to figure out how she's going to come up with $197,501.

Next up is Non-Communicative Boys and the Demanding Women Who Annoy Them. Put-upon Jake is at Shooter's, just trying to earn an honest living, when Sydney comes along and tries to sweet-talk him into helping Jane. Sydney says that Jane needs someone who's "morally grounded," but Jake has less than no interest in talking to his wigged-out ex. Sydney gets frustrated and leaves in a huff. Next! Now it's Alison's turn to get on Jake's case, asking if he wants to go to a movie after work tonight. Staring straight ahead like a zombie in a desperate attempt to keep control of himself, Jake tells her, "Y'know, I think that lines get a little fuzzy, with me being your employer. So why don't we keep socializing to a minimum." Alison gets all hurt and rejected, spitting like a cat: "At least I know where I stand. Billy's a friend, and I'm just an employee." Alison stalks off too, leaving Jake zero-for-two in the Demanding Women round. Jake closes his eyes and tried to pretend that he lives in a world where he can just go to work and run his business without all these shenanigans and goings-on.

And so once again we find ourselves in the ugly little boutique Jane wants to buy, and we're forced to watch as Jane poses in front of the mirror and Sydney plays with cookies. Uh-oh - now Sydney's wearing the ascot! Look out! It's contagious! Margot comes up, and with a "Bonjour" and a hearty hi-ho Silver from Samantha, Margot tells Jane that she has "inched out the competition" (quelle grand surprise). Jane responds with an incredibly fake "thanks," and a hug for everyone's favorite salesgirl. Sydney asks Jane if maybe now she'll be on to a new "healthy" project, and dropping everything else (insert confused glances from store personnel here), to which Jane replies that she still has some business to take care of. Brr - is it cold in here? Oh, I'm sorry, that must be the ice dripping from Jane's bitchy attitude. Margot asks Jane about her down payment on her new boutique (I think she should call it "The Black Widow" or "The Asp" or "The Bad Haircut"), and Jane whips wads of cash out of what looks like a shaving kit. So I guess Richard is good for something after all. It certainly isn't designing or staging fashion shows, so I suppose his gullibility and fat company checking accounts are it. Jane and Margot go off into her office to discuss the sale, and Syd is left slavering over the thought of all that money - think of all the vinyl suits and stupid hats she could buy! Samantha tells Syd that her sister is amazing - my word would have been "nutso" - and that when she sets her mind to something, nothing can stop her. Except maybe a drugged cocktail.

Over at Dominick's lair, we find him spooning Chinese onto sexy plates, and trying to keep all that mousse in his hair from catching fire on the candles. Jo comes to the door, and is pleased to finally see his place. It seems that after a month of "seeing each other" this is her first time at his house - "I was beginning to think you had a girlfriend or a wife stashed somewhere." I was beginning to think that he had a personality stashed somewhere. I guess we were both wrong. Dominick proposes a toast, and that's not all he proposes. He tells Jo that he thinks they should get married, and she does a gorgeous spit-take all over his sweater. She tells him they haven't known each other very long, and he responds, "Four weeks, two days." He forgot the three hours, sixteen minutes and twelve seconds, but who's counting, Dom? She tells him not to pull the Mr. Romantic crap, and wants to know what happened to slowing down. He tells her that he can't, because he loves her and she loves him - glad he cleared that up. Doesn't she? "I don't know what I feel," grunts Jo from behind clenched teeth - I think she's trying to rip the table in two with her hands or something - and turns to leave. But HELLO! Here's the Melrose charm - Dominick grabs her and starts sucking her face off. She seems to enjoy it, so I guess he's not one of those face-suckers from Alien, despite the slight resemblance. But then she turns to leave, telling him, "I want more than chemistry." Yeah, Dominick - she wants biology, physics, the natural sciences!

Well, they must have run out of booze at Shooter's again, because the place empties out like someone just died of bubonic plague in the bathroom. Jake and Alison are the only people left in the bar, so Jake has to apologize for his earlier rudeness just to make conversation. He asks what he can do to make it up to her, so she calls up a cheezy 80's song on the jukebox and says "Dance with me." They slowly sway back and forth like zombie mannequins, and Alison tells Jake that fun is something that's been missing from his life lately, as if seeing your girlfriend date her rapist isn't fun. He tells her that what's missing from her life is Billy. She tells him she isn't interested in Billy anymore and then leans in for the kill. Showing fantastic willpower, Jake pulls away. Of course, he's living with that haircut, so he must be a pretty strong guy. Just then, Billy walks in, and Jake tries to send Alison home with him. With a leer at Jake, she says, "No, I'm gonna stick around. Might get busy again."

Back at Willow Bridge, we find our junior sleuths boiling merrily away on the boiler room catwalk with Mr. Crazypants. Peter and Michael apologize for the situation, and just as the love-fest is about to start, Nurse Benson walks in. Peter asks her to let them out, and then manages in a matter of seconds to convince a now-stuttering nurse that they're sane and Kimberly is nutty. Benson reveals that she has overheard Dr. Shaw talking: "She's planning on having you all.... (could this pause be any longer?).... lobotomized." Suddenly, Benson is the queen of professional integrity, and she lets them all out, but with classic timing, Betsy and Dave walk in. Betsy snaps away like a chihuahua caught under the couch about putting the facility at risk (blah, blah, blah) and that Benson disobeyed her orders, and are you ready for this, kids? Michael the wonderdoctor comes up with a miracle cure for MPD! It's called The Shouting Method! It works like this: He grabs Kimberly and says, "I want you to let Peter and Amanda go. I love you. Do you hear that? I love you." Kim snarls at him to call her Betsy, but Michael looks at her with big basset eyes and keeps love-bombing her. "You're wonderful," he says. "You're everything that this monster that's taken you over is not." Yeah - a good dresser, someone who enjoys the company of the man she loves, a human being, and so on. Kimberly twitches and yells "No" while Michael shakes her and yells, "Come back, Kimberly!" This really is revolutionary treatment. That's how we'll treat all diseases from now on! We'll just yell at the victims and shake them real hard! Actually, I'm pretty sure that that's how Michael got his medical license. Suddenly the music stops, Kimberly is back and apologizing and asking for help. Dave, who's on delayed-reaction today, gets a flash of insight and tells Mikey, "I don't know what kind of weird medicine this is, but let go of the doctor and STEP BACK!" Benson tells him he doesn't understand, but he tells her, "Yeah, I do. You're boinking Peters, and this other guy is hypnotizing Dr. Shaw!" Really, Dave is the only one still holding on to all of this; let it go, Dave. Take a pill. Kimberly dismisses class, but Dave is really into it now and tries to stop them. Peter, Amanda and Nurse Benson run away, but Dave hits the alarm, and then Michael, in that order. As Mikey is getting the snot pounded out of him, Peter and Amanda abandon him and are led down the hall by Benson, followed closely by Ziggy. Louie pops out of his own personal little dimension to trip Ziggy and snaps, "THAT's for all those times you made me miss dinner!" Go, Louie! Really. I mean it. GO. Nurse Benson is off to call the police, and Amanda and Peter make a narrow escape. Meanwhile, Dave is trying to choke the life out of Michael on the catwalk - it seems that he now thinks that everyone is crazy, and that they're trying to "pin all of this on me." I wish I knew what kind of a picture of this Dave has now. Kimberly heroically tries to rescue Michael, pulling Dave off of him and getting him in the face with a jet of scalding steam from one of the boiler room pipes. Dave rears back and grabs Kimberly, and the two of them go toppling off the catwalk in a perfect back-flip. The Russian judges would give it a 9, but then she lands on her back on the pavement below. Michael stands above on the catwalk shouting Kimberly's name obviously under the misimpression that doing so will magically cure her of her current state of unconsciousness.

Kimberly is rushed into the ER as a result of her Mary Lou Retton "back-flip-over-the-railing" impersonation - way to go, Kim! Michael is by her side barking vitals and orders to the doctor and finishes by telling her how grateful he is that "Kimberly's fall was broken by the orderly" which is funny considering how they were laying side by side on the ground when last *I* saw them. And isn't it ironic that the season began with the exact same scenario? (Jake and Jess). But I digress... The doctor convinces Michael that she has everything under control so Michael leaves the ER, only to be accosted by that annoying detective who wants to ask Michael a few questions about Peter. Michael tells him he doesn't give a damn because Kimberly is on a stretcher and he won't know until next season whether she will live or die and isn't it amazing how devoted a husband he has suddenly become?

Amanda walks cautiously to Apartment 2 and, looking over her shoulder, uses her PRIVELEDGED APARTMENT MANAGER'S MASTER KEY to enter Matt's apartment where we see Peter hiding behind the door and now I'm guessing he's been standing there all night and wouldn't that be great for Matt to come home and find what's been sleeping in his bed. Amanda notices that Peter's found something to wear out of Matt's wardrobe and then tells Peter that they "need a plan". She encourages Peter to leave the country and head for Mexico but Peter refuses, citing the fact that he has that alibi. Amanda informs him that his alibi (Kimberly) is in critical condition so Peter asks her to drive him to the hospital to see her. Amanda reluctantly agrees but will only do so later at night when it's dark and I guess all the cops that are swarming around the hospital during the day will magically disappear after sunset. As the cheesy music starts, Peter starts to thank Amanda but she cuts him off with "for believing in you? (pause) for risking my life? (pause) for saving yours?" As Peter stammers his agreement to these facts Amanda confides, "It's taken me a long time to realize this but I want you in my life." The 2 then share a patented "Matt Hug" so maybe it's something in the vents of his apartment.

Jane and Sydney are at Jane's having their own personal "General Foods International Coffee Moment" when there is a knock at the door. Jane heads for her bedroom to "finish getting dressed" and barks over her shoulder for Sydney to answer the door. Sydney begrudgingly obliges her sister while muttering, "Get the door, Syd. Kill Richard, Syd. Whatever you say Jane." Upon opening the door Sydney comes face to face with the monster she has been instructed to help murder and immediately starts to panic. Richard helps himself to some coffee and tries to make small-talk with Sydney who is otherwise preoccupied with his planned demise. She tells Richard that she has a lot of her mind and then informs him that "he looks pale" and encourages him to take a vacation ASAP and I think he might need a vacation in Hell. When Richard tells her he doesn't have time to take a vacation Sydney hints, "I'd make the time if I were you." Jane overhears this and asks Richard to wait outside while she and Sydney discuss some "family business". Richard agrees, but before exiting he tells Sydney that he hopes they can "get to know each other better since your sister and I are so close" which only wigs Sydney out even more. After he's gone, Jane snaps at Sydney, "What the hell are you doing? You were trying to get him to leave town!" so Sydney asks her big sister, "Do you want to live in a world where a person like me has more morals than a person like you?" Jane responds, "As long as Richard's not in it I don't give a damn" and then storms out, leaving Sydney to contort her face into another one of those typical Sydney "whatever" expressions.

Matt is packing his bag at the hospital and explaining to Dr. Dominick how he has exams to get ready for when Jo walks in bearing flowers. She asks Dominick if Matt is being discharged and he tells her that Matt is exercising his free will and all I want to know is when did Matt grow a penis cause I haven't ever seen it. Matt promises to take his antibiotics and get plenty of rest as he gives Jo a fake "air kiss" on the cheek. He pauses to tell Jo and Dom "what a nice couple they make" and then darts out the door. Jo asks Dominick, "aren't you going to stop him?" but Dominick is more concerned with his marriage proposal and asks for an answer. When Jo hesitates, he tells her "indulge me" so she does and tells him her answer is "no". Jo tells him that his hyper drive speed is "too much too fast" for her old fashioned ways. Yeah, Dom - don't you know that beating her up comes first? Dominick tells Jo, "for you maybe but not for me" and then stalks out of the room like the good beefcake doctor he is.

At Mancini-Hart - the design house of rape and murder - Richard approaches Jane and asks about the missing checks. Jane naturally denies taking them and points out that she doesn't even have access to the checks so Richard reminds her that she was alone in his office WITH THE CHECKS the day before. Jane quickly deters Richard by telling him that she thinks he is using the checks as an excuse to be in her office (Office? What office?) and then starts coming on to him. She tells him that if he is nice he might "get her" and then kisses him. Jake, who has just arrived, sees this and protests. When Jane reminds Jake that their relationship is over, Jake tells her, "Fine - but you can't seriously be interested in this guy!" to which Jane tells him, "My every waking thought is of Richard and I am completely focused on him" and I think we all know why. Jake tells her what she's doing is "sick" and leaves. When a very smug-looking Richard tells Jane, "He left with his tail between his legs, didn't he?", Jane regains control over her mind from the pod people who stole it and goes back to work.

Back at the hospital Kimberly is waking up as devoted husband Michael watches on. Peter, who is wearing a great disguise of a BASEBALL CAP, rushes in with Amanda and tries to get Kimberly to focus on the night they had dinner but Kimberly is too weak after her half gainer over the rail. Michael immediately convinces Peter to leave and just as he does, the police rush in to arrest him. Some skanky nurse points at Peter and says, "that's him" so I guess now she'll soon be appearing on "America's Most Wanted" as "The Narc". Amanda turns to Peter and tells him she'll get him a lawyer which may take a little longer this time since Alycia is now dead. Peter tells Amanda, "I guess I should have listened to you" and personally I think he should start listening to ME but that's another story entirely.

Alison pokes her head into Jake's office to ask him for some help as the bar is "getting packed" and Jake tells her that he could use some privacy so instead of giving it to him Alison walks into the office instead. She notes that he's been "holed up" in his office with a bottle of tequila for 3 hours and asks if he wants to talk about whatever it is that's bothering him. Jake is drunk and is, therefore, "permitted" to behave like an ape. He tells Alison, "This is where you stick your nose in my business and get all pathetic, right?" so Alison tells him again how they're friends and it is therefore ok for her to ask "why he's hurting". (Who writes this stuff?) Jake asks her, "Is that why you're throwing yourself at me?" Alison is taken aback at having the BLATANT TRUTH thrown in her face which she adamantly denies. She tells Jake she won't participate in his imaginary world so he asks her, "Why did you come in here? Maybe I should do you right here on the desk" and now I know why he did Shelly - he was too drunk to know the difference. After a statement like that he has the nerve to tell Alison, "I keep trying to be a nice guy and it seems like all you women want is someone treat you like trash." (ever notice how he misses syllables and whole words when he gets worked up?) Alison is annoyed and goes to leave but Jake runs and closes the door before she can open it just like that scene in "An Officer And A Gentleman" only Jake doesn't apologize for being a prick. Instead he tells Alison, "You got a good guy in Billy but you gotta come sniffing around me" and I'm beginning to think the source of all Jake's anger is his own unresolved lust for Mr. Campbell. Jake finishes his tirade by informing Alison, "I'm not interested" - repeating it once to make sure she got the point. Alison leaves and Jake goes back to his tequila and now I'm wondering why the HELL a recovering alcoholic would want to put up with that crap to begin with.

The following morning Alison is leaving to go jogging and almost trips over Billy who has planted himself at the foot of her stairs, hoping for yet another chance to grovel at her feet. Alison brushes him off but Billy never was one for getting a hint and continues by telling her he's taken a good look at his actions and is "taking steps to correct them". Alison congratulates Billy on growing up and the Clueless Wonder asks Alison to give him yet ANOTHER chance. Just then Jake emerges from his apartment to get his newspaper and what I'd like to know is why we always see Jake getting a paper when we know he can't read. Alison's tune suddenly changes and she agrees to go out with Billy the following evening, making sure Jake hears every word she's saying. Billy tells her it will their chance to "start over" and that she won't be sorry. As Alison leaves for her jog, Billy turns and makes this ridiculous "ching" noise while walking towards Jake to tell him the good news. Jake feigns happiness as Billy tells him, "I knew she'd come around eventually!" Jake is left standing there looking very hungover with his "I am a puppy dog who hasn't had a boner in a while" face.

Jo shows up at Dominick's - unannounced I might add - and sees that he is packing to move. Dominick tells her that he is going with a team of doctors to Bosnia for a year - a plan that had been "in the works" for several months. Jo whines, "How dare you make me fall in love with you and then do something like this!" Hearing this, Dominick pleads with Jo, "What's holding you back?" from this "once in a lifetime opportunity". She tells him she can't leave her career or her friends - both of which are non-existant these days. Dominick sneers, "I'm moving on - maybe you should too" which Jo reacts to by slapping him across the face and hissing, "Go to Hell" before storming out. Dominick pounds on a box and mutters, "That's one description of it" so I guess we're supposed to get the impression that this was not his first choice for a year-long vacation spot.

At the County Jail, Amanda has come to visit Peter who is still focused on his alibi so Amanda informs him that Kimberly is still "out of it". There's a pause and then Peter tells Amanda to get up and walk away from him as he doesn't want to drag her through "all this". Amanda arrogantly refuses so Peter barks, "Walk away!" and then does exactly just that, leaving Amanda with her half of the prison telephone in her hand no doubt wondering exactly what kind of diseases she's picked up from using the thing.

Outside, a teary-eyed Amanda is approached by that idiot Detective Man again who makes some smartass remark about "not having a tissue" handy. He then informs Amanda that she is the Grand Jury's "star witness against Peter" since Peter did confess to her that he set Bobby up. Amanda tells the detective that she has no intention of testifying to the Grand Jury since she obviously thinks her "Special Guest Star" status makes her impervious to anything bad that happens on the show. Mr. Detective informs her that, since she's not Peter's "lawyer, priest or wife" she WILL be testifying. With that he says, "So look out for that subpeona - and have a good night."

Matt is in the library late at night trying to study and failing miserably as he is having a difficult time staying awake. A fellow med student sees this, comes over and sits down. He offers Matt some amphetamines to help stay awake but when Matt refuses the offer he adds, "These aren't the street - they're PRESCRIPTION" so I guess that makes it OK, right? Matt still turns him down so the sneaky student leaves one pill on top of Matt's book telling him, "Med student's best friend" as he slinks back off into the dark recesses of the medical library where he can push his drugs on rodents and other small meaningless creatures.

Jane and Sydney are dressed in their "prison blues" having their "last supper" and for the first time this season Sydney actually looks "normal" so I guess it's safe to say they don't have go-go boots in prison. Jane is LITERALLY gorging like a pig from a platter full of food and, judging from the distorted view we are getting of Josie's face being stuffed with food, I think it's a good bet that this is yet another dream sequence. Sydney asks Jane, "How can you eat at a time like this?" to which Jane replies, "We won't have to worry about our weight anymore" and then follows that comment with a slovenly, "I'm gonna miss lobster". The prison guards and whoever's responsible for flipping the switch enter their cell then and tell them ominously, "It's time". Jane is all too eager to oblige but Sydney starts to panic telling them, "I won't go! You can't make me go!" As the 2 are escorted down a long hall to the gas chamber Sydney starts babbling about how she didn't do it and was blackmailed by Jane. Jane turns around and snaps to Sydney, "Have some dignity for God's sake!" Sydney is in full hysteria now as she cries, "I don't want to die! I don't want to go to Hell!" and the next thing we see is a full-screen distorted shot of Jane's face as she screams, "Shut up Sydney and take your GAS like a MAAAAN!!!!!" They have now arrived at the gas chamber door which prompts Sydney to start screaming with a priceless cross-eyed expression on her face which must be seen to be appreciated. As Jane arouses Sydney from this nightmare, I must say that this scene gets my (Stacie) vote for best scene of the season, if not the entire series thus far.

Sydney wakes up to find Jane sitting on the edge of her bed. Sydney tells Jane about her nightmare - "We were dead sisters walking!" - to which Jane replies flippantly, "It was just a dream". When Sydney inquires why Jane is in her apartment, Jane replies that she did some "shopping" as show tosses a black shirt at Sydney. Jane continues, "Richard knows about the money so we have to act quickly". When Sydney asks how quickly, Jane - who is polishing the prints off her gun - tells Syd "tomorrow night". Sydney reaches under her mattress and pulls out a Bible and says, "Read this with me. Pray with me" and I'm sure half the nation was laughing with me at this point. Syd tells Jane, "Put your decision in the hands of a Higher Power" to which Jane replies, "I am - Smith and Wesson" and as she does so she reloads the gun, thus putting her fingerprints back on the weapon. Jane tells Sydney, "I'll pick you up at 6 - we'll have dinner first" and then walks out leaving Sydney alone with her Bible.

Kimberly is being wheeled in for surgery with Michael at her side telling her that once her burst spleen is out she'll be "A-OK". He said that. Really. Kimberly, who is already feeling the effects of her pre-surgery drugs, tells Michael, "Don't sugar coat it - I could die" but Michael will have no part of this negative talk. She continues with, "I caused so much pain to so many people... I don't deserve to live" and then finishes with, "I don't understand how you can still love me". Michael tells her, "Well I do. End of story." and watches helplessly as she is wheeled into the OR without him.

Amanda has come to see Peter in jail even though he asked her not to and after a very long mutual stare Amanda immediately starts in on him about how he wouldn't look at her earlier at his arraignment. She goes on to tell him that Michael called to tell her Kimberly is in surgery and that it seems pretty serious so this alibi plan of his could probably use a solid backup. Amanda tells Peter that she talked to his lawyer then, staring down at the ground she tells him, "A wife doesn't have to testify against her husband." Looking up, she flippantly adds, "Marry me." Peter is in shock and asks her to repeat herself and when she does he tells her, "NO!" He immediately takes that back and asks her why she's doing this - does she feel sorry for him? She insists it's because of their mutual love for each other or some crap like that and asks, "You do still love me, don't you?" Peter tells her he does love her - so much, in fact, that she deserves more than "conjugal visits to a husband in prison." He orders her never to come back and warns her if she does that he won't see her. With that he stands and leaves.

Jo is looking her awfully worst, laying on her sofa sucking down a half gallon of ice cream and feeling all sorry for herself when there's a knock at the door. Upon opening the door she sees Dominick - suitcase in hand - who has come by to apologize for assuming Jo would drop everything to accompany him halfway around the world. Jo snips, "Thank you for stating the obvious." Dominick defends his actions by telling her, "I acted out of love only" and then, seeing that this is getting him nowhere, says, "I came to say what I had to say" and heads for the door. Jo stops him and tells him coyly, "If you only have a few hours left in this country, I think you should spend them with me." Dominick is all too eager to drop his bags and jump on her.

At Shooters, Alison approaches Jake with a drink order so Jake starts a conversation regarding her date later in the evening with Billy. Alison is understandably still annoyed with her "Just Boss" which Jake doesn't help any by telling her, "I think you're doing the right thing." Alison quips, "Well as you so eloquently put it the other night I'm lucky to have someone like Billy." Jake immediately does his "I'm a dumb oaf" apology thing but Alison cuts him off and states flatly, "You did me a favor. I was starting to have feelings for you but it would have only been a waste of my time." With that she does her patented Alison-twirl exit and walks away. Jake looks mildly befuddled as she walks away and then spots Jane across the bar which only adds to his conviction that he should start dating men.

Jane and Sydney are eating dinner and, true to Syd's dream, Jane is stuffing her face, although not as sloppily as before. Sydney asks Jane how she can eat - also just like the dream - so Jane agrees to stop eating especially since they need to get going anyway. She stands up and heads for the rest room and asks Syd to "keep an eye on her purse." After Jane is out of sight, Sydney carefully slides Jane's purse off the table and onto her seat where she promptly opens it and starts to finger the gun. Jane stops off at the pay phone to call Richard at his office and confirm that they are still "on for tonight". Richard tells her, "My place - 8 o'clock" and then tells her, "I've been thinking about it all day." Jane echoes this thought and tells him, "I can't wait to see your face" - yeah, his face with a gun stuck in it.

At the hospital, a harried nurse in answering phones and telling people how short staffed they are when Med Student Matt approaches her about a morphine increase for one of his patients. She tells him she's too busy to do it and then hands him the keys to the medicine cabinet. Matt turns to walk away and spots Greg the Med Student / Drug Pusher down the hall. He approaches Greg and tells him, "I've been trying to reach you all day" and then asks for "some more of what you gave me the other night" and I sure hope he's talking about that pill and not something else. Greg tells him that he's "all tapped out" which is surprising considering that just the previous evening he had a whole bag of pills so he must have bestowed his generosity on several other med students as well. He suggests that Matt "make another connection" and then says, "It's a good thing you're in a hospital" which prompts Matt to look at the keys in his hand and realize it's a good thing he's in a hospital AND has the keys to the drug cabinet in his posession. He then heads to the drug cabinet and picks up the morphine for his patient as well as a few Dexedrine for himself. As he replaces the bottle on the shelf, we see in plain view the sign that says "Unlawful use of drugs is strictly prohibited" as if the show should get some morals NOW after all these years.

The Laurel and Hardy sisters drive up to Richard's house and Sydney immediately starts to panic. She tells Jane that "she doesn't think she can go through with it" and starts babbling about the possibilities of them getting caught, crying, "We'll never get away with this!" Jane, the woman with ice in her veins, tells Sydney to "get a hold of herself" which must be the magic words since Sydney immediately calms down and apologizes. Jane tells Sydney, "Wish me luck" and as Sydney whispers her best wishes Jane steps out of the car and hides in Richard's bushes. A moment later Richard arrives home and as he fiddles with the keys to the SIDE door, Jane emerges from the bushes. Richard is startled and says it's because she's early when he should be asking why she's dressed in heavy black winter clothing when it's 90+ degrees outside. He asks Jane if she'd like to go inside and she ominously tells him, "I'd rather die first." When Dick looks perplexed by this statement, she tells him, "In fact, I'd rather you die" and then shows him her shiny new toy. Pointing the gun directly at him, Jane demands, "I want you to admit you're a rapist! I want to see the fear in your eyes! I want you to BEG FOR MY MERCY!" Richard egotistically tells her, "I'm not begging for anything, bitch." Undaunted, Jane steps closer to him and orders him, "BEG! You can either say it to me or you can say it to God!" She then cocks the gun and sneers, "Either way, you're dead." Sensing that Jane really does, in fact, mean business, Richard obliges her and with hands in the air starts to slowly kneel to the ground, all the while asking Jane not to shoot him. He then confesses, "Yes, I raped you. And I swear to God I'll never do it again." He then tries to convince Jane to give him the gun, which is now shaking in Jane's quivering hands. He dives for the gun which Jane immediately fires, only to discover that the bullets have been removed. Richard grabs Jane and flings her onto a pile of cement bags and proceeds to rape her again. But before he can do anything, he's hit over the head with a shovel, and as he slithers to the ground, we see Sydney standing behind him. Jane immediately starts screaming at her for taking the bullets out to which Syd responds, "I'm sorry - I wasn't thinking!" as if stopping a planned murder is a BAD thing. Oh wait - this is Melrose Place - never mind. Sydney points out, "But I stopped him" which calms Jane down enough to go listen to Richard's neck and hold his wrist with her still-gloved hand long enough to conclude, "He's dead." Sydney is horrified as she asks, "My God - I killed him?"

Well, Jane has been plotting and scheming for a month to get to this point, and now that Richard is actually dead, she's sorry. Which just goes to show that cold-blooded murder isn't for everyone. Sydney's little brain starts whirring - maybe they could steal his wallet and make it look like a mugging, or a carjacking, but Jane is busy falling to pieces and doesn't want to listen to any helpful suggestions. Finally, Jane decides they'll just bury the body somewhere and maybe no one will ever notice he's gone.

Peter's back in jail, and once again, he's somehow wrangled an enormous private cell with no other inmates in sight. Apparently accused murderers get the quiet garden condominium jail cells. Then an old, bearded prison guard who looks like an unemployed Macy's Santa Claus pulls Peter out of his cell and takes him to an interrogation room, where he's met by Amanda, his lawyer, and a Justice Of The Peace. Amanda has used her Special Guest Star powers to arrange for a quickie jailhouse wedding. Peter doesn't want to go through with it, but Amanda tells him, "Too bad. I want to marry you, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it." I'm touched, Amanda - that proposal is even more romantic than Dominick's, and Peter didn't even spit all over you. And apparently she's right, because he obediently signs the license and stands next to her as the justice of the peace gets himself revved up. "Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "He does," Amanda replies. Peter realizes that he's trapped, so he agrees: "I do." Same shtick with Amanda, and in the shortest marriage ceremony ever, they exchange rings and are pronounced jailbird and wife. Of course, Peter's chance of holding on to that ring in prison is pretty slim, but that's his problem. As soon as they kiss, Kris Kringle comes back to bring Peter back to his cell. "I'll be thinking about you tonight," Amanda promises, making a mental note to buy some new batteries for her vibrator on the way home.

Back at Melrose, Alison is getting dressed for her nightmarish date with Billy when Jake arrives with the paycheck she forgot to bring home. But is Jake really there to give her the paycheck? No, of course not - he's there to apologize, which seems to be his hobby these days. Alison turns around and asks Jake to zip her up. Jake is nervous that Billy will be arriving soon, but she assures him that she's supposed to meet Billy at the top of some office building. She lifts up her hair and he zips up her dress, staring hungrily at her neck like this is an outtake from Kindred: The Embraced. Alison turns to face him, shining her huge eyes at him and asking, "It's not just me, is it? You feel this. Don't you?" Apparently he does, because after a few more obligatory "we shouldn't do this" comments, their lips meet. They kiss passionately, and as Alison lifts her arm up around Jake's neck, our view is blocked by the paycheck that Alison didn't have the sense to put down.

So where is Billy in his hour of shame? He's rented out the whole top floor of a dimly-lit rooftop restaurant, and he's being attended by a violin player and a waiter who just happens to add insult to injury by wearing Jake's exact haircut. The waiter serves Billy some more champagne and asks him what the imaginary occasion is. Billy explains that it's "a long overdue reunion," but the only reunion that's going to happen here is if Brooke's ghost shows up to take the empty seat.

Meanwhile, Jo is sleeping off the effects of an afternoon of hot O'Malley love. Dominick wakes her up to bid her sayonara. "Is it too late to tell you I don't want you to go?" she asks. Jo, please. Stop being so selfish. The Bosnian orphans NEED him. He kisses her once more and then leaves. Now, shouldn't he take a shower before getting on a transatlantic flight? Maybe it's just me.

Jane and Sydney are playing Hide the Stiff, and Sydney drives them out to the country to find a spot to bury Richard. Jane can't seem to move by herself, so Sydney has to take charge of the whole operation, forcing Jane to help her drag the body out of the car. Then there's a long, grisly scene with the two of them wrestling with the corpse, which goes on and on until everyone in the audience feels really uncomfortable.

At the airport, Dominick tries to call Jo for yet another final goodbye, but as her answering machine picks up he hears his boarding call and runs to the gate. Jo shows up just as he's heading down the runway, and tells him, with typical Reynolds logic, that he can't leave because "it just doesn't feel right." He tells her to come with him, she begs him to stay - it's a re-enactment of the final scene of ET! Now all we need is for Dominick's finger to glow and for him to say "Beeee gooood." But instead he asks her to catch the next flight to New York; he'll meet her there and then they'll fly off to their year-long vacation in Bosnia. She says she needs time to think - c'mon, Dominick, the woman can hardly handle life in LA, how is she going to deal with Bosnia? She doesn't even KNOW any orphans. He tells her that he loves her, then wheels around and runs down the runway to the plane. Our last image of Dominick is seeing him run with his impossibly tight jeans. And BOY are those orphans getting more than they bargained for, yes sir. Those are some lucky orphans. Our last image of Jo is her standing alone in the airport looking helpless and confused.

And now for another anti-climactic farewell. Kimberly is out of surgery and hooked up to a beeping machine, and Michael is perched on her bedside promising her that she'll be fine. Kimberly whispers that she'll testify for Peter as soon as she's well, which is a very nice sentiment, but not really that helpful, since she flatlines two seconds later. Michael runs to yell for help, then starts doing CPR on her throat, crying, "Don't you die on me, Kimberly!" Um, Michael? It would help if you moved your hands just a little further down. Thaaat's right.

Meanwhile, in the big house, Santa Guard taunts Peter, chuckling, "Enjoy your honeymoon, lover!" So the message of tonight's episode is that all security guards are sadistic tormentors. Jot that one down for future reference.

For her part, Amanda is lying on her bed with her blonde hair piled on top of her head, resting on her leopard-print pillows and staring at her marriage license, which is a perfect imitation of a Vanity Fair photo spread of Ivana Trump relaxing at home. This happy scene is interrupted by sadistic tormentor Officer McGruff, who tells Amanda that there's been a development in Peter's case. What a relief, we've been waiting for a development for three weeks now. McGruff tells Amanda that "Peter Burns isn't in jail," which I guess is some kind of Zen riddle, then shows her a photo of a fiftyish man with graying temples. Amanda says she's never seen the man before. "That's odd," McGruff says, "because this is the real Dr. Peter Burns." Stay tuned for next season, when we'll have a brand new storyline featuring Amanda yelling, "You lied to me!" I can't wait for the fall!

Back at the gravesite, Jane is helpfully holding the flashlight while Sydney does all the burial work. They hear a crackling noise and look around, but they don't see anybody. Jane worries that Richard isn't buried deep enough, but Sydney is sick of digging and throws the shovel down the hill. "He must be so cold!" Jane shudders, as Sydney leads her back to the car. "It's okay, Jane," Sydney says. "The nightmare's over." But as they drive away, the camera pans down to the grave... and from out of the grave, Richard's hand slowly emerges and for the second time this season Melrose Place imitates the Michael Jackson video "Thriller". The Hand reaches out of the grave, waving madly to the audience: "Bye! Bye, everyone! Have a good summer! Bye-bye!"