This week's episode picks up right where last week's ended - Jack has just flatlined and Amanda is horrified to discover Sydney standing in the doorway to his hospital room. Sydney, undaunted, glides over to Jack's bedside and puts his "breathing do-hickey" back in his mouth. She then floats out of the room as the pretend hospital staff comes charging in. After a good ernest effort to revive him that lasted all of 10 seconds, Michael pronounces Jack dead - "for good this time".

Peter is pacing back and forth in his living room, holding Kimberly's radar bracelet and looking very perplexed. Perhaps it's because, even though he is a doctor, he just can't seem to figure out the secret code to the thing. Or maybe he has "Batman Decoder Bracelet Envy" since he didn't think to save his boxtops and get one of his own. Regardless, Kimberly comes home and Peter starts giving her the third degree about where she's been and does she know what time it is and how much trouble they could be in, and I wonder if Beaver's mom ever got this mad. Kimberly tells Peter about her new "job" at the radio station and how liberated she feels as a result, and Peter tells her that she has to quit. But before he can go any further with his lecture on being a responsible grown-up, Amanda calls to inform him that Jack is dead. Peter hangs up the phone and rushes to the hospital, but only after he tosses the bracelet back to Kimberly while demanding she stay put.

At the hospital, Michael confronts Amanda about Jack's tampered-with breathing apparatus and the fact that his body was "moved". Of course, I could say something really derogatory here about how any man in a bed that close to Heather Locklear would probably be "moved" (SCHWING!) but I won't. Amanda refuses to discuss the matter with Michael and is then rescued by Peter who pulls her away and into a private room to discuss what happened. Just as they walk away, Michael discovers Sydney hiding in a doorway. When he asks her what she knows, she replies by telling him "I know everything".

Amanda tells Peter what really happened - which was that Jack came back from a life-threatening coma just so he could slap her around one last time - and then finishes her story with an overjoyous cry of "I'm free!". Too bad Jack's former-Fame-TV-star-turned-cheesy-attorney isn't there - they could break into a really great song and dance number. But he isn't so they don't and just hug while Peter reflects about what hair dyes would work best at taking care of Amanda's roots.

Jake - oh God, do I have to go into this? - Jake is at home throwing out a hefty trash bag worth of beer bottles, and I'm thinking "so now he takes work home with him?". He passes Matt along the way who, while jumping up and down, informs Jake that he has just been accepted into medical school. Jake, big dorkboy that he is, says something like "whoa - down boy - just make sure you have the party at Shooters" like everyone's number one concern should be about Jake's stupid bar. Jo walks down then, obviously reconsidering her trip to Hawaii as she now has a suitcase in tow, and inquires about Jake and Shelly doing the "big nasty". She explains that, even though NOW she's going to Hawaii, she originally told Richard to suck wind when she found out Richard's true intentions. Jake, obviously sensing this is the last time he can play "jealous meathead boyfriend", asks if she calls Richard "Dick" so Jo slaps him across the face and I guess that means the answer is "yes". And all I can say is that this storyline is so tired that I almost wish they were the 2 who had died at the beginning of the season.

Hayley tells Allison that he thinks the 2 of them should move into "Phase 2" of their relationship by getting married. No ring. No romance. Just her in an ugly bathing suit and him with more gray hair than Donahue. Duh.

Peter and Michael agree that they both have Amanda's best interests in mind, when a courier delivers 2 handwritten letters to them. Just as they open them up and read them, Amanda shows up with _her_ personal invitation and it appears that Sydney has invited them to a blackmail sushi dinner, although the invitations don't clarify what to wear to such an occasion.

Allison goes to Shooters looking for Jo and, after discovering that Jo is in Hawaii, decides to confide in Jake (of all people) about Hayley's "proposal". Jake is such a smart guy - he tells her if she marries Hayley she'll become Brooke's stepmother and Billy's mother-in-law and you wonder how anyone with the IQ of toothpaste can manage to run a business!?! Then, Mr. "I know all about successful relationships" continues on by telling Allison that she should get past Billy by talking to him and testing her feelings for him. Dr. Joyce Brothers could have a field day with this guy. Wait - that's it! The cure for Jake could be... KIMBERLY'S RADIO SHOW!!!

Allison takes Jake up on his advice and, while working late at D & D, starts to confront Billy with her feelings but is stopped short when Brooke walks in. Allison leaves, and Brooke says something stupid about the "little secret mutant spawn growing inside of me". Then, as if that isn't enough to make you lose your cookies, she leans back and, while rubbing her stomach asks Billy is he can tell she's pregnant, to which he replies "definitely". And I'm thinking, if she's supposedly only a few weeks pregnant yet is already showing, then this baby may very well indeed be Hayley's.

At the sushi bar, Sydney (too sexy for her kimono) informs Amanda, Peter and Michael of her demands, which are pretty easy to guess. From Amanda, she wants exactly one-half of the inheritance Amanda receives from Jack (since they are, technically, still married). She wants Peter to convince Amanda to do this. And from Michael, well - she wants nothing (or so she says) but does "allow" him to buy their aphrodisiac dinner, although I find nothing sexually exciting about cold raw fish.

Brooke is sitting in the bathroom looking at the toilet contemplating which scrubbing bubbles really do work best, and we're supposed to believe she has morning sickness for a pregnancy I don't believe even exists. Billy is flying to Santa Barbara and, although Brooke was originally scheduled to accompany him, she has called in sick, so Billy thinks he's going alone. However, when Allison shows up to bring him the layouts he needs for his presentation, she announces that she's also joining her ex-roommate-boyfriend-cab-driver-fiancee-neighbor-life-saver on his one-day trip. Brooke is horrified, but Billy just kisses his little chunk-hurling wife and says "I'll be back in time for dinner". Brooke starts to do her signature pout but then quickly covers her mouth and runs for the bathroom. This, of course, is supposed to prove to us that she really is pregnant, but I think that the overwhelming scent of Billy's cheap Brut cologne is what did the trick.

Back at their office, Michael is still walking on eggshells waiting for the proverbial bomb to drop from Sydney, who is still maintaining her story of not blackmailing him. She does, however, get him to agree to take her to Matt's big party that night, and then tells him how she's looking forward to their date or some crap like that and HELLO!! DIDN'T WE DO THIS STORYLINE ONCE ALREADY A FEW SEASONS AGO, MR. SPELLING???

Jo calls Richard in Hawaii and he apologizes and she says she's changed his mind and all that happy horseshit, and when he asks if she'll come join him in Waikiki, she explains that she's already there and then we see her calling from a payphone on the other side of the pool deck. So Richard walks over to her with his arms outstretched like they've been buds for years and they hug and smile blah blah blah. Jo then tells Richard she's afraid of the "rebound thing" and they agree to keep the trip "just business", and on Melrose Place, that means he won't boink her until at least the next commercial break.

Amanda and Peter decide they need to find a way to get Jack's slimeball lawyer out of Amanda's life and Kimberly out of Peter's and then they get all cornball and suck face.

SHOOTERS, DUDE! BIG PARTY! WHOA - PASS ME ANOTHER BREWSKI!!! Matt has his party at Shooters and, for a guy with little to no exposure on this show, he certainly does seem to have alot of friends. Either that or his party coincided with another one of Shelly's oh-so-successful "dance parties". Jane and Jake diss on Richard and Jo but luckily we don't have to listen to it long as Michael waves Matt over and away from those 2 and their WHINING. Michael, drunk on 1/2 a beer, tells Matt that he changed the scores in the computer. Mr. Matt Ethics tells Michael that he will report it and withdraw as he doesn't like the idea of "owing" Michael. Michael informs him that this is his repayment for the time Matt "switched some numbers in the computer" for him awhile back, which seems to appease Matt.

Back in Hawaii, we finally get to see a redeeming quality of Richard's, which is that he is buff and perfect for this scene in which he emerges from the shower wearing nothing but a towel, headed for the ringing telephone. On the other end is Jane, who is calling to tell Richard she still cares for him. As she asks "is it too late?", Jo steps out of a room wearing some ugly short silk number with black hose and high heels that Jane, no doubt, must have designed. Richard makes up some excuse so he can get off the phone and then Jo jumps his bones. So much for "business"...

Brooke is horrified to discover her father packing up her mother's belongings. When Hayley explains that he loves Allison and it's time to move on, Brooke asks in her baby-doll voice "but you loved mommy too, didn't you?" Before they can get into this incestuous "who loves who more" crap, they are interrupted by a phone call with bad news: Billy and Allison's plane is missing.

After an agonizing commercial break (who, me?) we see that Allison, Billy and the puddle-jumper pilot are all alive and well and looking remarkably photogenic for having just survived a plane crash (mind you, the plane is intact). Alex the pilot (could this be Pool Boy in disguise?) announces that the electrical system is shot and that he's going to make the 6 hour hike to civilization to get help. He informs Billy and Allison that there's no need for them to join him, so neither of them put up any kind of argument to the contrary and let the man wander off all by himself in the middle of nowhere, and now I'm thinking maybe he was hitting the bottle and that's why they landed in the middle of a dried up lake bed. But anyway, this gives Allison the perfect chance to talk to Billy - sans Brooke - which is why she made arrangements to join him in the first place. But before she can "test her feelings", Billy interrupts and tells her "Brooke is pregnant... I can't - even if I wanted to" as if to say that if his wife weren't knocked up he'd bone Allison right there and then. So Allison, after spewing some nonsense about real love, gets up and walks about 10 paces away from him, obviously distraught that Billy will never be hers to boss around again. And I can't help but notice that a pregnancy (Amanda's) didn't keep these 2 apart back in the beginning of their dysfunctional relationship. But I digress...

The next morning, Hayley receives a phone call informing him that Allison and Billy are fine and are on their way home, so I guess the company in Santa Barbara who was expecting them will just have to wait for their account rep to get his ass over there and do his damn job. Hayley passes the good news along to Brooke (who, as I suspected, _did_ spend the night with Daddy Dearest the previous evening). Relieved that she won't have to raise the mutant offspring alone, Brooke spills the beans about her pregnancy to Hayley and then suggests that she and Billy move into the guest house so the four of them (Brooke, Billy, baby and Daddy) can all live dysfunctionally ever after. Hayley reminds her that there's this girl ALLISON who he's been seeing and who he's IN LOVE WITH (Hello?.. McFly?..) and then pretends that he's "thrilled" about the fact that he's going to be a grandfather.

Back at the "crash site" (studio back lot, perhaps?) Allison tells Billy she's sorry About Last Night (just like the cheesy movie) and Billy responds by spontaneously kissing her. Then, like the moronic dork he is, says something oh-so-loving like "you better not ever tell Brooke I did that". Allison doesn't seem to mind though and smiles as she agrees. Good thing these 2 didn't ever reproduce...

Peter shows up at Amanda's apartment with Jack's autopsy results, which show that he died of some malfunction of the brain (tv doctor jargon confuses me), and the 2 devise a plan that will get Sydney out of their hair and into Michael's which, obviously, is what Syd wants anyway. Amanda gets all lovey huggy smoochy with Peter as she mumbles something about "how will I ever repay you?" and I'm thinking holdit - just a few days earlier she was drunk and seduced him and then had a tizzy when she realized what she did, but now since she's sober Peter isn't as revolting? I thought people were supposed to be _more_ appealing when you're drunk, but what do I know...

Back at the Dysfunctional Family Farm - er, I mean Mansion - an anxious Hayley and Brooke welcome Allison and Billy home. Brooke is jabbering away to Billy about how she told her father about the baby and how he's just oh-so-happy for them, and Billy tells her that he told Allison and before they can really discuss all this they turn to see that Hayley is down on his knee in the driveway proposing to Allison - ring and all. Allison, who is all teeth at this point, says yes, and while the happy couple rejoice, Brooke and Billy are in shock and not lookin' too happy about any of this.

Amanda goes to Peter's and Michael's office and gives Syd 50 cents, which is exactly one half of the dollar she received from Jack's estate after she agreed to forfeit the inheritance in exchange for a sealed autopsy record. Sydney is shocked, but it gets better. Amanda then tells Syd that Kimberly is moving into Sydney's apartment at 6pm that evening and that Sydney needs to find a new place to live - like the beach house. And I guess Allison's old apartment is being turned into a museum of "The Love That Went Bad" or something because isn't her apartment still vacant? But Syd doesn't seem to mind any of this - except for the money part, of course - because now she can go back to pursuing Michael again full-time, which is in itself a very old and tired storyline so Darren and Aaron - if you're reading this - could you PLEASE breathe some new life into these characters??!?!!??!??

At Distraught & Dillusional, Hayley has come to his spoiled brat daughter to ask for her blessing on his upcoming nuptials. Brooke is upset and angry and tells him that, if he marries Allison, he will never see his grandchild. Hayley informs her that he plans to go to Mexico and marry Allison, and Brooke not only pouts but starts to cry as her daddy walks out the door. Because now it's starting to hit her that she's going to be stuck with puff-boy for the rest of her life and is destined to live a "common" life since they obviously can't move into the guest house now. On top of all that, now that Jack Parezi is dead, shouldn't she be losing that cushy job of hers soon as well?

Peter helps Kimberly move into her new digs and Kimberly, who is back to wearing her radar detector, is basking in the glory of her "new life". In addition to having her own place now, she is also part of a work release program that allows her to keep her job at the radio station, which is a good thing 'cause wouldn't it be a bitch if that thing went off during her radio show and she'd have to air a bunch of commercials until she could finish gnawing her hand off to get the damn thing off again! She thanks Peter for all he's done and hugs him goodbye and, just when we thought she was actually getting better, she stands at the window and sees, much to her chagrin (my $5 word of the week) that Peter has no intention of returning to his home and instead plans to dance between the sheets at Amanda's.

Since we've been to Hawaii and a lake bed so far this episode, why not travel to Mexico as well? In a little Mexican chapel, Hayley and Allison exchange their cheesy self-written vows and become "one complete person". And, for the happiest day in her life, it all seems kinda sad, 'cause remember how all her friends were there at her last wedding and how she had this really pretty dress and it was a beautiful day and even the pool was decorated? Well, here she is actually getting hitched this time in a little flimsy dress in a dark little chapel (not enough candles to qualify as "romantic") and no one is around except the priest who is saying something ominous like "what God has put together let no man tear apart", and the whole thing just seems destined to go down the toilet since nothing good ever happens to Allison anyway.

Sydney shows up at Michael's beach house and, after he fails to "take pity on her situation", resorts to blackmailing him so she can live there. As she recounts the "happiest days of her life" when she and Michael were married, she tells him that they "belong together" and, again, I've got to say NEW STORYLINE PLEASE!!!!!

Women are no longer the "weaker sex", according to the announcer, as we see Jane punch Jo in the face, Amanda tell Peter that she could never love him, and Kimberly breaks the heart of a dumb jock she went to bed with.