This week's episode starts with Jack Parezi's viewing at a funeral home in California, which is pretty stupid considering he was just visiting. But maybe his Mary Poppins nurse requested it or something. Anyway, Amanda shows up wearing a super-short pink satin-looking suit, which was easily the most inappropriate thing in her wardrobe to wear. Mr. Former-Fame-TV-star Attorney shows up and gets Amanda to sign some legal papers so they can transport Jack's body back to Miami and, as if it isn't already inappropriate enough, she signs the papers by pressing down on Jack's closed casket.

Kimberly is having one of her "sessions" with Peter but mostly she's just bitching about her Mighty Morphin Power Rangers bracelet and how she's ready to graduate onto something else like maybe some Barbie dolls. The session is interrupted by a call from Amanda, and I hope Kimmy isn't paying Peter a lot of money 'cause that's a pretty unprofessional thing to do when counseling someone. As expected, Amanda has nothing of any redeeming value to say - she just wanted to call to tell Peter that she's claustrophobic but then gets bent when she finds out that Kimberly is in his office. Peter hangs up the phone and, exasperated, tells Kimberly it is time to "cut the cord". Kimmy is all for it but wants her bracelet removed first.

As if enough women aren't screwing with the man, Peter is next confronted by Sydney who informs him that she is throwing Michael a surprise birthday party and invites him and Amanda. She then tells him that presents are mandatory and that his present to Michael WILL be an extra 4% of their private practice profits. Peter refuses and, as he walks away, we hear Syd mutter to herself "well poo-poo to you too".

Allison and Hayley are in Cancun on their honeymoon and Allison is gushing about how much she loves the hotel so Hayley offers to buy it, but it appears he already owns it as he is then pulled to the side by the hotel manager who is trying to get Hayley to break away for a scheduled conference call. Hayley is outraged and makes no secret of it with Allison just a few feet away and all I could think about was his ugly purple shorts.

Richard and Jo return from Hawaii and back to the office where they discover that Jo's equipment has been packed up by Jane who informs Jo that she's fired. Richard jumps to the defense of his new skanky girlfriend and tells Jane that she has to consult with him first blah blah blah and now I'm thinking Patrick Muldoon should just stop reciting lines and just walk around shirtless on the MP set.

At Shooters, Shelly gives Jake a key to her apartment as she disses on all his lame-o friends. Matt walks in and asks Jake for a job, promising to be the "best waiter ever". Jake turns to his bookkeeper/rag doll and ASKS if he can hire someone and I guess she must have really been good in bed since he seems to have no idea how to run his own business anymore. Shelly agrees to hire Matt since she's willing to do "anything for a friend" and I bet you that deep down she's really bumming that Matt's gay and, therefore, not interested in doing Shelly on Jake's desk.

Back at the Cancun hotel, Allison walks out to the pool looking for her hubby, who is having a heated conversation with the manager. But, instead of approaching Hayley, Allison stops short and eavesdrops on their conversation which, in my opinion, is not the best way to start out a marriage. The manager is telling Hayley that the business is suffering and Hayley is getting huffy and telling the manager that he doesn't want to negotiate and then he sees his eavesdropping wife standing there holding what appears to be a glass of wine and tells her to pack their bags as they're going home.

Buff Billy comes home from an obvious workout and finds Brooke on the phone long-distance to Mexico looking for her father's hotel. But before she can get connected, Billy hangs up the phone and explains, since she obviously has the IQ of dirt, that Hayley and Allison are married. She tells Billy that it may take her 20-30 years to accept it and Billy tells her in no uncertain terms that she WILL apologize to Allison and Hayley when they get home. So she calls her hubby names and tells him she's not his slave and he's not the boss of the whole world or something equally idiotic and storms out of the room. Billy chases after her and tells her she's a "whiny, selfish, immature little brat" and when Brooke counters with "oh YEAH? Well maybe I'm not the only one upset about their marriage" Billy cuts her off by saying "Oh, for God's sake - you're going to be a mother - why don't you start acting like one". And given that Brooke's only role model in this department is DEAD, I think Billy has a pretty good idea.

Jack's funeral is held in Miami where his brother Bobby has arrived to pay his last respects and the doofus lawyer botches his lines when he explains that Amanda is alive and that she "hated Jack so much she faked her death and a few weeks later he found her in LA" and it seems like several years have passed since Amanda first joined the show and never once was she married to the mob and living in Florida that I can remember anyway. So now I'm thinking it's time for lawyerman to go back to "Fame" and learn how to act.

Allison and Hayley return home where Hayley prompty scoops up his new bride and carries her over the threshold. Much to their surprise, Brooke is waiting inside like an eager little puppy dog and I guess she really must be Billy's slave because she has come to "apologize", although the apology holds about as much water as the Sahara. But Hayley falls for it and embraces his incestuous little girl. Brooke then makes her move and says something about how her mutant offspring shouldn't have to share an inheritance with any children that Hayley and Allison might have. Hayley informs Pouty Mouth (and obviously his new bride at the same time) that he and Allison don't plan on having any children and then walks off to take a phone call that must be more important than his own FAMILY, leaving Allison with her jaw dragging on the ground and Brooke gloating - the only other facial expression she seems to have mastered besides pouting...

Sydney has concocted a silly "60's Party" for Michael's surprise birthday party, and has gone to the trouble of finding some 60's music and some "60's food" (which is probably pretty stale by now) and even stopped by the Salvation Army to pick up a 60's mini-dress and some shiny pink go-go boots. But Peter obviously has no idea what the 60's were like as he is the only guest wearing a stupid party hat, and obviously Amanda senses this as she snubs him for the duration of the party. Then Matt starts running around like a little goon-boy telling everyone "Michael's coming! Michael's coming!" and then Michael walks in and pretends to be surprised and I'm just wondering where all these people came from since Michael has no friends. Sydney turns the stereo back on and instigates trouble by getting Jo and Richard to dance ("so everyone else will"). She then walks over to Michael who is all smiles and happiness and he and Syd giggle and I'm having 90210 flashbacks and then Michael surprises Syd by planting a big *smooch* on his pretend girlfriend.

Meanwhile, out on the porch, the only 3 people who appear to remember what the 60's were like - Jake, Jane and Shelly - are doing shots of tequila and acting really stoned, and Shelly starts playing with Jane's hair and saying something about how Jane's not a snob like the rest of Jake's neighbors. So they start making asses out of themselves by talking loudly about the SNOBS in their complex and Jo and Richard keep dancing and ignoring the 3 of them and then Jane makes goo-goo eyes at Jake, big dumb oaf that he is.

Peter confronts Michael and tells him of Sydney's plan to blackmail him into giving Michael an additional 4% of the practice's profits, to which Michael chuckles and replies, "It's amazing the levels that woman will stoop to my benefit". (Thanks to Susan Peterson for that one!) Peter then tells Michael to find the blackmail tape and destroy it or else their partnership is over. Peter then confronts Amanda for the umpteenth time, but before their conversation can really go anywhere he is beeped by Kimberly and has to leave.

Allison is marching around the kitchen slamming things around and having a little martyr crisis when Hayley finally picks up on the fact that maybe she's upset about something and asks her what's up her butt. Allison starts in on Hayley and "his damn secrets" and tells him she's upset about his "no children" statement and the fact that, as a rule, he keeps her "in the dark". Then she tells him again how secrets ruined her previous relationships and how she doesn't want any more secrets so Hayley promises "no more secrets" and tells her if she wants children that they'll have them and then they kiss and make up and then I had to leave the room so I could go *VOMIT*...

Kimberly is swimming in the little 4616 pool when Peter strolls in demanding to know why she paged him when she obviously wasn't having a crisis like she claimed. Kimberly rattles off some nonsense about having an anxiety attack but now it's conveniently gone away, but Peter ain't buyin' it. So Kimberly then starts throwing a temper tamtrum about her bracelet, which appears to be waterproof, but obviously her cast isn't as it's now gone. When Peter tells her to leave him and Amanda alone, she stays true to her word and tells him that there will be no freedom for Peter until Kimberly gets hers and suddenly I think that some of her psychotic tendencies are starting to return.

During the commercial break, we are treated to a sentimental promo for the upcoming episode of 90210 where Kelly will tell Donna "we don't fall in love with fantasies - we fall in love with REAL PEOPLE"... MUHAHAHAHAHA!

Back to Melrose... Jane is looking pretty dogged the morning after Michael's big party and as she opens a window for some air (I'm in Atlanta where it's below freezing now - is it really _that_ hot this time of year in LA?) when she overhears Jo and Richard outside ragging about Jane's behavior and her lame fashion designs (which is actually pretty true). Conveniently, Richard has forgotten his car keys, so as he runs up to Jo's apartment to fetch them, Jo knocks on Jane's door to play her "friend card" and tells Jane that they "need to talk". Jane, doing her tuff girl routine with her tossled hair and wearing a white tank top, punches Jo square in the jaw and then tells her "next time I'll rip your heart out" before walking back into her apartment and slamming the door. Jo is on the ground moaning and clearly in shock when Richard reappears. So Jo, knowing she's lost this round, gets pissy and demands that Richard "do something" about Jane, so no doubt he'll be heading to Billy for help on that one since Andrew Shue is the one in charge of that organization.

Matt's being the "best waiter he can be" at Shooters when he asks Jake how he and Jo are doing. When Jake dishes the dirt, Matt says that he always thought Jake and Jo were made for each other, so Jake responds narrowmindedly by asking Matt "what do you know about women anyway?" But Matt, clearly the more intelligient one in this conversation, tells Jake "I think I know women better than you - I'm friends with them" and before this ludicrous conversation can continue, Bob the delivery man comes in with a meat delivery that's C.O.D. Jake, having been whipped into submission by his new bookkeeper, has no clue how to cut a check for the man since all the accounting information is now on computer. But, have no fear - Boy Wonder Matt knows computers and volunteers his assistance in retrieving the information from the computer. But when he and Jake go back to the office and try to get into the database, they find it's been password protected, and as they ponder aloud as to why Shelly would do such a thing, we see that she's at the bank stashing some more of Jake's money into her own safe deposit box. And now I'm finding it really hard to believe that a girl capable of doing all this smart stuff could have ever come from the same part of the world as the idiot Hanson brothers...

At Desperate & Drunk, Jane surprises Allison by bringing her lunch. Allison wants to know more about Jane's "Mike Tyson" stunt but Jane wants to talk about Allison and Hayley. When she asks how the newlyweds are doing, Allison tells Jane about her recent discovery that Hayley doesn't want to have any children, but then follows up with "if Brooke were my daughter, it might sour me to parenthood". Getting back to Jane's issues, Allison suggests that Jane just back off Richard and Jo, but Jane has other plans and tells Allison of her plans to make Richard jealous by using Michael.

Sydney comes home to find roses and lit candles and Michael acting uncharacteristically lovey-dovey. As Michael suggests they go sit by the fire, Sydney asks "isn't it a bit warm for a fire?" and again, I have to ask, is it _really_ that hot in LA 'cause I'm freezing my ass off on the other side of the same country. As the 2 of them get cozy, Michael surprises Sydney when her blackmail tape magically appears in his hand. Sydney tries to snatch the tape back but Michael tosses it into the fire, destroying it for good. Sydney, obviously distraught, asks Michael what the hell he's doing and as an argument ensues, Michael grabs a fire poker and starts swinging it around, eventually backing Sydney onto the sofa, where she begs him "please just don't be angry" and sits down. Michael tells her that he's tired of watching his back 24 hours a day and then captures my vote for best line of the episode when, exasperated, he says, "If there were a Blackmailers Anonymous, you could be the spokesmodel!!!" Sydney, sensing her gig is up, asks Michael if she should pack up and leave. But Michael says he "doesn't mind having her around" and, if she promises to behave, she can stay. Syd's response is "Cross my heart hope to die never tell a dirty lie" and then Michael initiates a kiss and then does Sydney on the coffee table.

Kimberly, SANS-BRACELET, is obviously lonely and bored with her "new life" and takes some old medical notebooks to her neighbor Matt and then asks if he'd like to have lunch or go for coffee. Matt turns her down and when Kimberly inquires as to why, he says "Kimberly, you did blow this place up and to be honest with you nobody can get past that", thanks her for the notebooks, and goes back into his apartment. Pool Boy, sporting a tattoo and an "I Do Pools" t-shirt, overhears the conversation and tells Kim that he gets off at 5 and would love to have dinner with her.

The sun is up and Michael is asleep in bed, obviously exhausted from the previous evening's romp with Syd, when he's awakened by a phone call from his lovely fist-fighting ex-wife Jane. She claims she has a birthday present for him that she didn't want to give him at his party in front of all the guests, and asks if he'd meet her for dinner - "her treat" - at Anthony's (the restaurant they used to frequent when they were married). He agrees, and as Jane hangs up the phone she turns to Allison, who tells Jane that she was "very convincing".

Kimberly is in bed with Pool Boy, and as she "dismounts", she rejects Pool Boy's romantic after-sex advances, obviously not into the touchy-feelie thing. She then tells him "I was just interested in your body" and then instructs him to put on his shirt and get out. Pool Boy tells her, quite proudly, "I'm no dumb jock you know - I had a year of college", but somehow I get the impression that he was in college _because_ he was a jock. Still Kimmy rejects him so he leaves.

At Anthony's, Jane realizes she's got her work cut out for her when she does the ol' misty-eyed "doesn't this place bring back memories?" routine and Michael answers by saying "yeah - bad memories of you and me and no money" and then says something about how he was the best time Jane ever had. When Jane gives Michael his old fraternity pin as his birthday present, they recount their third date when Michael gave Jane the pin. While Jane tries the "falling in love" approach, Michael reminisces about what a "helluva night" it was and tells Jane he was happy to "get laid". So Jane takes Michael's hand and oozes some kind of bullshit about how you never appreciate something until it's gone and all I gotta say is that if Michael falls for any of this, he's not as smooth as he'd like everyone to think he is.

Peter goes to D & D and confronts Amanda yet again as to why she is giving him the cold shoulder instead of a warm piece of ass and explains that he's phasing Kimberly out of his life so he can spend more time with Amanda. Amanda tells hims that, not only does she not want to spend _more_ time with Peter, she doesn't want him around at all. Peter tells her he loves her but, not wanting to lose his manlihood, tells Amanda he's walking away before she gets the chance to tell him to just piss off.

Back in Miami, Jack's father is telling Bobby how he (Bobby) was named after royalty - Bobby Kennedy - and now I see that a low IQ has passed through the gene pool in this family. Slimeball attorney is also present, and he and the father tell Bobby that his "job" now is to go kill Amanda. Bobby is reluctant, so the lawyer tells him that Jack's death was no accident but instead he was murdered by Amanda. He then produces a week-old picture and gives it to Bobby, and all I'd like to know is how that picture was obtained in the first place since last I heard Mr. LawyerMan was screwing sheep and had no clue how to get anything from a woman.

Kimberly rips off her clothes and does some guy in the radio station, Jane tells Michael that she's lonely and needs to take comfort in the past and then asks him to spend the night, Loser LawyerMan tells Bobby "you are going to do this" and Bobby appears to be in a trance as he says, "I'll take care of Amanda"