Tonight's episode marks the directorial debut of Thomas Calabro (Michael Mancini) and, while the storyline itself was pretty weak, I must say that all the women of Melrose were blessed with a very "good hair day".

Kim is at the station doing her little radio show when Vic, a regular caller, calls in whining about his girlfriend problems. Kim, using her most sultry sounding radio voice, pretends to be listening to him but really she's focused on seducing her producer who is in the next booth gawking at Kim as she starts to undress. Vic hangs up, the show is over, and Kim the nymphomaniac attacks her producer and they do it on the desk.

In addition to her numerous embezzlement skills, Shelly can also cook! She's cooking Jake breakfast at her place and, when he fails to fall at her feet and worship her for her efforts, she gives him a big, greasy bacon kiss and tells him "that's how you thank someone for slaving over a hot stove for you". Jake is obviously preoccupied and not impressed with her cooking as he then confronts her about the mysterious password she's added to the computer database. Shelly plays dumb (not a big stretch there) and tells him the password, insisting she's told him before and Jake and his low IQ believe her.

At Dyejob & Dangerous, Amanda is bitching on the phone to the police about her stolen car when Peter walks in to her office. Peter has come to tell Amanda that, although he hasn't changed his mind, he does want an explanation. And Amanda is obviously remembering her Wayne's World connection as she responds with "We broke up!" and I'm waiting for her to finish with "Are you mental? Get the net!" but she doesn't. So then Peter offers to help her with her car and her problems (but, mind you, he hasn't changed his mind... shyeah, right - and monkeys might fly out of all our butts) and Amanda turns him down since it's apparent what a desperate and lonely man he is. Then Peter gets right in Amanda's face and says "I'll miss you Amanda - very much" and these much be the magic words because Amanda suddenly looks like he smacked her upside the head with a dead trout but we're supposed to believe that Peter is finally "getting through" to Amanda.

At Hart-Mancini, Jane sees Jo talking to "Dick" so she picks up the phone and calls Michael's office. She has to go through Sydney to get him and, when she does, invites him over for dinner the following evening. When Michael hesitates, Jane gives him the option to turn her down, citing something lame like "his relationship with Sydney". Michael tells her "I'm not on a leash" (who writes this stuff?) and agrees to meet her at her place for dinner. Sydney walks into Michael's office after he hangs up the phone (good timing, Syd) and asks what Jane wanted. Michael makes up some B.S. about alumni mail, even though he hasn't lived with Jane for 3 years. So he and Syd muse about how "sweet" Jane is and Sydney says, "Chokin' on a huge piece of humble pie will do that to anyone" and then explains that Richard dumped Jane, which only intrigues Michael more. Sydney then tells Michael that she had some beef ribs flown in from Texas for their barbeque the following night, and Michael lies and tells her to put 'em in the freezer since he'll be in surgery the following evening. Sydney gets a little bent about the whole thing and Michael feeds her some line about what it means to be the significant other of a doctor and then walks out of the office and, from the look on Syd's face, she ain't buyin' a bit of it.

Back at D & D, Allison informs Amanda that she FINALLY finished moving the rest of her stuff out of her apartment and when Amanda starts giving her grief about not being able to find a renter mid-month, Allison tells her to keep her security deposit since she obviously won't be needing it. Brooke and Billy overhear their conversation and Brooke tells her hubby that she wants the apartment since it's a 2-bedroom. Billy tells her that it's not "affordable" so Brooke bullys her darling spaghetti-spine husband into "making it affordable" since Amanda and he are such close buds. Billy says no at first but quickly caves and after last week's episode I'm now wondering who really is the "slave" in this relationship.

Kimberly is at Shooters and discovers that Jake has no problem with her as the 2 of them participate in a little neighborly chit-chat. So now I guess it's just a matter of time before the 2 of them do the horizontal bop. Anyway, Nympho Woman turns to the guy sitting next to her at the bar and comes on to him. At first he seems interested, but then he abruptly ends the conversation and leaves, but not before telling her that he hopes to see her again or some nonsense like that.

Allison pulls into the driveway of her new home and is greeted by Hayley and some potential buyers of the mansion that Allison didn't know was now up for sale. She pulls Hayley aside and makes no secret of her discontent about him not telling her about this and then jumps on him for not "consulting" her first, which probably isn't too smart considering she just gave away her big security deposit to Amanda. Hayley has to get forceful with Allison in order to get her to shut up (had plenty of practice on that one with his brat daughter) and then urges her to sign some papers that are supposedly quit claim (not "quick claim" - thanks to Christine Heycke for pointing that out) deeds to the house. Allison signs the papers without reading them, which means that the papers are probably not the deeds as Hayley claimed but, instead, new contracts that will end Allison's Melrose Place career.

Billy surprises Brooke when he takes her to their "new" apartment, which means that their "old" apartment will now be vacant and ready for some new psychopath to move into. Brooke does a strange little hopping dance around Billy and for a minute it looks like she's impersonating Gilda Radner's old SNL character that used to dance around in that Brownie uniform. As Brooke runs into the bedroom to check it out, Billy stands in the living room looking around obviously reminiscing about his days there with Allison, and my only question is "Is this the ONLY 2 bedroom apartment currently available in all of L.A.???" Brooke returns from the bedroom and sees Billy lost in thought and asks if he's going to be ok with them living there. Billy tells her "we'll be happy" and Brooke says "we'll be happy" and then, for the first time ever since Kristin Davis joined the show, she ends her scene with a SMILE! No pout! No smirk! Just teeth!

Mr. "I Wish I Were A REAL Man" Attorney returns to Bobby's L.A. hotel room and has scrounged up 2 guns with which to kill Amanda. As he stands in the room aiming one of the guns at an imaginary target and wishing he didn't look like such a dork-boy, he tells Bobby that he wishes he were part of the family business so he could have killed "the bitch" himself. Bobby, obviously aware that he is sharing a room with a raving psychopath, takes the gun from Loozer Lawyer's hands and explains that he killed for his country and doesn't want to kill for his family. So, for a minute we are tricked into believing that maybe Bobby is the exception to the Parezi family rule-of-thumb. But when the attorney asks Bobby if he's going to go through with "the plan", Bobby says "I'll take care of Amanda" and, unless he's planning on pampering her with an expensive health insurance plan, it's clear that he plans to kill her, despite his previous objections to murder.

At Burns-Mancini (notice how the Mancinis always get second-billing in their business practices) Kimberly is waiting for Peter to show up for her "session" and tries to make nice with Sydney by initiating some "girl talk". Sydney launches into a larger-than-life description about how wonderful her life with Michael is, making sure to tell Kimberly how great and joyous their sex life is. She then smugly asks Kimberly, "How's your love life?" to which Kimmy responds "quite satisfying" but before she can explain how satisfying it is to have sex with strangers, Sydney cuts her off and says, "Look - we've done the chit-chat thing. Do us both a favor and go read a magazine or something because I don't care about your sex life" and then, after a pause, adds "or whether you live or die". Before Kim can think of anything witty to say in return, an FTD delivery man (sans FTD gold tights) shows up with flowers for Sydney with a card from Michael saying some B.S. about how sorry he is about missing his BBQ rib dinner with Syd. Kimberly leans in to Sydney and plants a seed of doubt by telling her that, when Michael sends flowers, it means he's cheating. Anyway, Peter comes in 15 minutes late for his session with Kimberly, and Kimberly decides that she doesn't need the session after all and that perhaps Peter should help someone who really needs it - like Sydney - and then leaves. Sydney hands Peter his messages and, desperately seeking validation about the flower thing, asks Peter what it means when he sends flowers. Peter comes up with some romantic-filled answer he obviously got from an episode of Oprah and then says "unless they're from Michael - then it means he's probably cheating."

At Shooters, Matt asks Jake about Shelly and the missing password. Jake tells Matt that he got the password ("bartabs") and that he still thinks Shelly is legit. Matt, undaunted, pushes on and offers to look at the computer database sometime when Shelly is away running errands. Jake turns down the offer and tells Matt to "do his job", which obviously does not include playing computer games.

Michael is having dinner at Jane's apartment, and it seems Michael may actually be good for Jane as she has fixed and even _combed_ her hair for the occasion. They talk a little, and drink a little wine, and then Jane tells Michael she's lonely and invites him to spend the night - on the sofa. Michael agrees, obviously thinking he may be able to convince his scheming ex-wife into giving him a little nookie if he stays.

Amanda is tooling around in her new convertible and is on the car phone talking to Billy's answering machine asking if he wants to "take a spin in her new car", as if something that lame would ever come out of the mouth of either Amanda OR Heather Locklear. We then see Big Evil Hitman Bobby behind the wheel of the car following her, obviously waiting for his perfect moment to kill her. Amanda cruises past Peter's house and, while looking at him through his window instead of watching the road, accidentally runs over a motorcycle we later find out belongs to Peter's neighbor. When Amanda is jolted back into "the now" and gets out of the car, Bobby also stops and gets out, armed and ready to shoot his beloved ex-sister-in-law. But before he can finish the job, Peter walks out to see what's going on, thus causing Bobby to retreat back into his car and drive away. Peter offers his help and Amanda, obviously quite embarrassed, let's him call a tow truck.

Jane and Michael's trip down memory lane is interrupted by a phone call from Allison, who wants to whine to Jane about her relationship woes. Jane tells Allison that Michael is with her and is spending the night, and they do a little dirt-dishing before agreeing to some girl-talk at a later date and all I noticed was that they were both using identical pretend cordless telephones.

Amanda and Peter are sitting on his front steps waiting for the tow truck when Amanda starts telling Peter about an imaginary poodle she swerved to avoid, thus hitting the bike. Then, realizing how absolutely ludicrous and unbelievable that is, she bursts into laughter, and for a moment she stops being Amanda and appears to be the jovial Heather Locklear - smiles and all. She then tells Peter about her abandonment issues, which should be no surprise to Peter considering he's now a big pretend psychiatrist. And then the tow truck comes and, thankfully, this scene is over.

It's the morning after, and Michael is sleeping awkwardly on Jane's sofa when he's awakened by his beeper. Jane, wearing a skimpy satin looking piece of lingerie is sitting at the window peeking out at Richard and Jo, who is busy fixing Richard's hair despite his protests. Jane seizes the moment and, dragging Michael out of bed and pushing him out the door, tells him that she's in a hurry and he needs to go and she's late and rush rush and what a heap of bullshit. Michael, who is half-dressed and still half-asleep, trudges out of the building, past a very shocked Richard and Jo, and I kept waiting for Michael to say something like "Dad let's me drive slow in the driveway" since he is the spitting image of Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man". Jo obviously doesn't see this similarity tho' as she cops an attitude and gets Richard to admit he's a "little jealous" and even when he admits it, she still doesn't feel any better and now I'm wishing Hayley tricked _Jo_ into signing those end-of-contract papers.

See Dick. See Jane. See Dick drool when Jane walks into Dick's office and asks him to pin the neckline on her clingy dress. See Dick's dick go SCHWING when Jane removes her bra to "make it easier" for him. See Jane give Dick grief when he asks if she loves Michael. See Jo walk in. See Jane leave. See Jo cop an attitude. See Dick patronize Jo and kiss his skanky whiny girlfriend. See Jo wipe the kiss off her cheek immediately when he turns around. See Moj get on a plane, fly to California and smack some sense into Daphne Zuniga, who was once a secure, strong, self-assured character on this show.

At Shooters, Matt tells Jake that he logged onto the computer earlier, despite Jake's earlier protests against it. Matt then informs his new boss that the balance was under $1000 and that he suspects foul play on Shelly's part. Jake is obviously annoyed, but agrees to Matt's suggestion that he (Jake) go to the bank and check it out, telling Matt that he'll go to the bank so he can prove Matt wrong and then threatens Matt that, if he brings it up again, he's fired. Wow. What a big man Jake is.

Allison is sleeping peacefully while Hayley rants and raves into the telephone, thus awaking his wife. When he discovers that Allison is awake, he tells her that they're going on their second honeymoon and to pack her bags, even though it is the middle of the night. Hayley comes up with some crock of a reason why they need to leave right then, and Allison appears to comply with him and I'm wondering, how the hell can she just pick up and leave? Doesn't this chick like have a JOB??!?!??

Kim is doing her radio show when Vic the psychopath from North Hollywood calls to tell her that her advice sucks, that all women are whores and that Kimberly is a dirty, filthy slut (one out of 3 ain't bad) and we see that Vic is the same guy that Kimberly tried to pick up at Shooter's the previous evening. Despite the fact that Kimberly keeps hanging up on him and her repeated requests that he stop calling, Vic continues to hit the redial button, so she breaks for a commercial so she compose herself before going back on the air.

Jake's counting money at Shooters - hey, Jake can count??!?!? - when Shelly strolls by announcing she's going to the bank. Jake informs her that today it will be _he_ who goes to the bank so, after he leaves, Shelly runs into the back and uses the computer to transfer $3000 from her account into the Shooter's account. At the bank, Jake requests an account balance from the teller, who writes it down and hands it to him. Jake must then buy a CLUE because he next asks her to tell him what the balance was earlier that morning, and this time the teller BLURTS OUT the amount as well as the fact that $3000 DOLLARS was transferred into his account shortly before he got there. We then see the little lightbulb over Jake's head light up as he realizes that Matt was right and that Little Miss Eyebrows is indeed an embezzler.

Later that night at Shooters, Kimberly approaches the same guy who she met there a few nights earlier, completely clueless to the fact that it's VIC FROM NORTH HOLLYWOOD. She tells him to take her back to his place, which he does, and she tells him she's "fearless" and then satisfies her Nympho Lust by telling him she "likes it loud" as she rips off his shirt and then jumps his bones.

Peter and Amanda are leaving a restaurant after a nutritious but low-conversation meal, and Peter urges Amanda to talk about her real feelings. Amanda then tells Peter about her "first love", a man she gave her heart and soul too and he stomped on them and walked away, never looking back. Mr. Sympathy then suggests that they go back to his place and stop the talking that he so desperately seemed to want earlier in the episode and Amanda turns him down when really she should have just kicked him in the head.

Shelly comes home and finds Jake sitting there waiting for her. He confronts her about her embezzling, showing her the one-way ticket to the Virgin Islands he found in her apartment. Shelly tries to create a believable story on the spot, but fails miserably. She then grabs a big kitchen knife and the laptop and threatens to kill Jake if he tries to stop her escape. After a very weak and disappointing struggle, Jake subdues Shelly and calls the police.

Kim wakes up in Vic the Psychopath's bed to discover he has tied her wrists to the bedpost. Vic then dubs her "Sleepyslut", shoves a sock in her mouth, and then introduces himself as Vic from North Hollywood, much to the shock and horror of the Nympho Chick.

Bobby shows up at Amanda's apartment, sending Amanda into hysterics. She runs to Bobby swinging and yelling "How dare you!" so Bobby grabs her arms and temporarily restrains her. As Amanda collapses into Bobby's arms crying, she sobs "I thought I'd never see you again" and, apparently Bobby is the "first love" she was referring to earlier in the evening.

"There are 7 deadly sins and, next Monday, Melrose Place has them all".... Amanda jumps back from Bobby when she discovers he's carrying a gun; Vic threatens to punish Kimberly for every woman who's ever hurt him; Hayley goes overboard and Brooke attacks Allison for "killing her father"; Jane continues her Michael Mancini use job; and Shelly takes an ugly pill and is told by Jake to "rot in hell"