After the commercial, we are treated to festive Christmas decorations around Los Angeles, and as soon as I saw the tacky inflatable Santa Claus on the median strip, I realized that this is the EXACT SAME FOOTAGE from the Beverly Hills 90210 Christmas episode like 3 seasons ago! Anyway, our travelling cameraman eventually brings us to Melrose Place, where the whole courtyard and all the apartments are covered with garland and lights and I'm wondering to myself, "Who did all this decorating?" Because Pool Boy is too much of a dumb jock to do it and Vic is in jail so my guess is that Henry must have come back to make retribution for being such a bad actor.

It's 6 a.m. and Amanda and Peter are in her bed talking about - of all things - Bobby "the good Parezi". Just as the 2 of them "stop talking" (if you know what I mean *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*), they are interrupted by someone pounding on the door NON-STOP so Amanda goes to answer the door and, hopefully, beat the tar out of whoever it is. Well it turns out it's Brooke who pushes her way into Amanda's apartment demanding to know why she sent Billy to Santa Barbara when he has no accounts there, so Amanda explains the whole "he went to help Allison" bit and I don't think I would have been even half as nice as Amanda was considering it was 6 o'clock in the morning and anyone banging on *my* door that early in the morning better have a serious maintenance problem or be close to death. Amanda then gets Brooke to leave and turns to find Peter dressing as he is "no longer in the mood" so Amanda literally *shoves* him on the sofa and attacks him, so it's obvious that she's not the one responsible for the Christmas decorations seeing as how she's so BUSY these days.

Back at the hotel, Mr. "I have no clue how to deal with emotional grieving women" Campbell is opening the window blinds so the sun is right in Allison's face, thus waking her up. Allison obviously doesn't remember much about the previous evening as she then asks Billy what he's doing there and he tells her "damage control....again" and why does he bother doing all this for her if all he's gonna do is belittle her for it later? Allison thinks they slept together and Billy quickly informs her "we didn't". He then tells her he's taking her meeting since she's in no condition to do it and if that's the case, then why the HELL did he wake her up in the first place? As if to only drive this point home, he then gives Allison more grief and then patronizingly pats her on the head before leaving, telling her to "sleep it off" and could this guy be any more of a dork?

At Hart-Mancini Jane is actually being *civil* to Jo (a point that Jo also makes) and asking for Jo's opinion on some designs or photographs or something. Jane then does some serious butt-smooching and apologizes to Jo for being so evil and Jo obviously buys it because the next thing you know, Richard pulls Jane into his office to inform her of his decision to dissolve the company but before he can do it, Jo runs in and stops him. After Jane leaves the office, she begs Richard not to drop Jane seeing as how it's Christmas and "everything Jane touches turns to lead" so he agrees and they hug and I half-expected them to burst into song.

Sydney is lying flat on her back on the sofa in Kimberly's office, having another session and recounting last week's events between herself, Michael and Jane at the restaurant. When she tells Kim that Michael threatened to throw her out, Kim tells Syd that Michael doesn't want her to leave as she is everything that Jane could never be - the "perfect doctor's wife". When Kim tells Syd, "Focus - what do you and Michael have in common?" Sydney replies with, "2 weeks ago I'd say it was hating you" and then turns to Kim and finishes with the obligatory "no offense". Kimberly informs Sydney that the correct answer to that question was "Michael's career" and then tells her that the hospital needs a chairwoman for the hospital charity Christmas party and then suggests that Sydney volunteer. Sydney is instantly overwhelmed and says "I can't do this" to which Kimberly replies, "You could sell porno to the Pope". Sydney is babbling and lies back down on the sofa, repeating her new "I'm crazy" mantra. So Kimberly writes out a prescription for 30 tranquilizers so Sydney can get some sleep and when Sydney balks at the idea of "drugs", Kimberly informs her that they are the same kind she had in the hospital and tells Syd "and look at me". Sydney, always the witty one, responds with, "Sorry but lookin' at you... that still kinda gives me the creeps".

Jake and Matt are running around like crazy at a crowded Shooters so I guess the key to getting more customers was, indeed, to go to a loanshark. Jake tells Matt that he got a double order of supplies to get him through the new year and Matt, aware of what Shelly did, tries to quit. When Jake asks why, Matt tells him that he knows Jake can't afford his salary, even though it is minimum wage. Jake tells Matt not to worry about it and then confirms that his fairy godmother came to Jake's rescue and I wish his fairy godmother would come visit *me*!

Now Brooke is in Santa Barbara banging NON-STOP on Allison's hotel room door. Brooke instantly jumps all over Allison, verbally assaulting her with all sorts of choice words, including, "first you seduce my father and then kill him and then 2 weeks later you're with my husband!". Allison is complacent and calm and responds with "Too bad you don't have a brother." When Brooke fails to get the joke, Allison tells her that nothing happened and assures her that "her precious puffboy is still her precious puffboy". Brooke tells Allison she doesn't believe her and then calls her more names like "perverted bitch" and, again, Allison is unaffected and replies with, "Yeah, it's a gift". Brooke says something else and Allison starts to lose her cool and then Billy walks in and "admits" that he and Allison had an affair and that it meant nothing. Brooke demands that Billy "take her home" and storms out. Billy follows, but before he can leave, Allison stops him and asks him why he did that. Billy's pathetic "I wish I had pubes like a real man" response was, "I put my entire marriage on the line for your career - don't blow it". And I wish someone would punch him in the face or at least send him back to being a cab driver like he was back in the beginning. At least then he had some COMPASSION.

Back at home the next morning, Brooke and Billy need to "talk it out", even though Billy never quite manages to look sincere throughout the entire conversation. Brooke whines that she wants to move and, as we already established a couple weeks earlier when they moved into *this* apartment, there is obviously no place else in the world for them to live. Otherwise, I'd think they would have moved out a looooong time ago. Anyway, Brooke tells Billy that, not only did she look at a house while he was away (for all of what - 2 days?), but that she *bought* one! So obviously she couldn't have missed him all that much. She then tells Billy that he was alotted one affair in their marriage (is that like in a marriage rule book somewhere?) and that he blew his with Allison. She goes on to tell him that, if he screws up again, she'll make sure he never sees his child and now I'm wondering if they can get a discount dysfunctional family rate with Kimberly.

Michael and Peter are at the office talking about Bobby when - lo and behold - in walks Bobby himself. He asks Peter to lunch, and Peter (obviously sensing some male inadequacy) turns him down. Michael, who sees dollar signs with this guy, immediately jumps in and takes Peter's spot. As Michael introduces himself to Bobby, he mentions the time that he and Peter saved Amanda's life, which of course if a lie since Peter was trying to *kill* Amanda and Michael is the one who saved her. But the writers *did* have the decency to not gloss right over the whole incident so some of them are obviously reading the Usenet newsgroup. Anyway, Sydney then breezes into the office, ecstatic that she has been chosen to be the Christmas fundraiser party chairperson. She introduces herself to Bobby and tells him "how sorry she is about his brother". So Bobby, obviously sensing B.S., asks if she knew him and Sydney replies, "Not well - we met while he was in a coma, but he seemed nice". She then asks Peter if she can hold the fundraiser at his house and he instantly turns her down, so Bobby jumps in and offers and, even though Syd turns *him* down, Michael intervenes and tells Bobby that they accept his offer. Michael and Bobby then go off to lunch, a fact that Peter is not any too happy about.

Allison and Jane are at Hart-Mancini and obviously no one else is there since Allison is blasting her mouth about Jane's "make Dick jealous" plan. Jane wants to grab a couple dresses for them for this big Christmas fundraiser shin-dig, but the door to the closet is locked. Ironically, the door to Richard's office *isn't* locked, so she goes in and, while rummaging around for the key to the other room, stumbles upon - yup, you guessed it - the legal documents dissolving the Hart-Mancini partnership. She says a few snotty things about Richard and Jo and I bet she's just bent because her hairdresser used a LAWNMOWER to cut her hair,

Allison is pulling a huge box up the stairs to her new (Brooke & Billy's old) apartment when Billy comes home and offers to help. Allison tells Billy to go away, but obviously he doesn't comprehend the English language because he DOESN'T LEAVE. As if he hasn't been ugly enough already, he tells Allison how he and Brooke are moving into a house and then spews up a few more snide remarks before ending with "I didn't sleep with you because I didn't *want* to sleep with you". Allison, who is quite refreshing in this "non-victim" mode, looks Billy dead in the eye and says, "In AA, we call that denial". Mr. Insensitive tells her how he's going to be such a great father and not "a sick joke of a parent like Allison's father and definitely not like Hayley" and what the hell kind of thing is that to say, anyway? As if he hasn't shown enough of his ignorance, he then starts whining about how he spends all his time worrying about Allison and how he won't give up his family and happiness because Allison's life is a damn mess and all I want to know is: MR. CODEPENDENT - WHO ASKED YOU TO DO THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE???!??!! Duh, what a putz. Billy finally leaves after Allison tells him his not wanting to sleep with her is "bull" and Billy, BIG MAN that he is, pulls the box down to the ground and storms to his apartment and you know what? He and Jo should get together and lock themselves in a meat locker and whine to their hearts' content.

Matt is on a date with Rudeboy (whose name has still not been clarified) and they are walking down the street talking about how they first discovered their homosexuality, which is a dead giveaway that the writers and producers have no CLUE about how to properly handle a homosexual relationship. Matt then decides to take Rudeboy to Shooters because of the "ambiance" and I just don't agree because the ambiance is gone now that Shelly's in jail and dance nights are over.

Amanda is setting the table at her place when 2 FBI slugs come knocking on her door. Citing the deaths of both her father and Jack Parezi, they warn Amanda to stay away from Bobby since they believe he's scum like the rest of the Parezi family.

At Burns-Mancini, Sydney has "Better than Martha Stewart" Christmas decorations strewn about the place. Michael comes in and discovers that Sydney has chosen him to give a presentation of some kind at the fundraiser. Michael is more concerned that Sydney "do her job" which obviously now includes washing Michael's car and running Michael's errands. She gets Michael to hold her purse while she digs around for his bank slip and cash when he looks down and discovers her bottle of tranquilizers with "K. Shaw" as the prescribing physician. Michael throws a hissy fit and drags her into his office demanding to know what's going on. Sydney tells him that she's seeing Kimberly and tries to convince Michael that their life is going to be wonderful as a result. Michael ain't buying it and fears Kimberly will use him for research purposes and he'll end up on the cover of "Whacko Weekly".

Brooke is at her OB/GYN's office when the doctor comes in to tell Brooke that, not only did her pregnancy test come back negative, but that she was never pregnant to begin with. Turns out there was a technician error and the original positive test was a result of switched urine specimens. The doctor then tells Brooke that she can recommend a good therapist if needed, and I wonder if she had Kimberly in mind. But Brooke turns down her offer and leaves.

Michael goes to the hospital and confronts Kimberly about counseling Sydney by shoving her into an empty room and yelling at her. Kimberly, however, maintains her cool throughout the entire conversation, even when Michael shows his inability to cope with the real world with remarks about her "fieldwork at Fruit Loop Farms". Kimberly is completely unscathed by his emotional babbling and even asks if he's afraid Sydney will get healthy if she stays in therapy. And, of course, the answer to that would be yes because then Michael would have no one to wash his car or run around doing his errands for his loser monkeyboy ass. But he tells Kimberly, "I am the only sane person I know" so now it's apparent this boy has no grip on reality. Before he leaves he finishes his little tirade by warning Kimberly that, if she ever hurts him (is it possible to hurt someone with no soul?), he will "personally remove the plate in her head screw by screw". But Kimberly just smiles, probably becase she knows that, even if there is a plate in her head, Michael is too inept to know how to use a screwdriver anyway.

Amanda stops by Bobby's where Sydney and her elves are busy decorating every square inch of the place. Amanda, obviously affected by the visit she received from the FBI thugs, asks Bobby to bring his account back to D & D. The two then talk about trying to live honest lives despite each of their fathers' crimes. When Amanda tells Bobby about her FBI visit, he says "They followed me" so now I'm thinking they must be from Miami. Bobby agrees to bring his account back to D & D.

Brooke comes home to find Billy playing Christmas carols and adding the finishing touches to their Christmas tree. He then jumps the gun by showing Brooke that he went out and bought some Christmas presents for their non-existant mutant spawn and then gives the whiny bitch one of her presents - a gold locket with their wedding picture in one side and a space for the baby's picture in the other. And Brooke just cries, especially when Billy says something cheesy about the "present she's carrying inside of her" and they hug and, naturally, she doesn't tell him of her recent NO BABY discovery.

Allison is watching "It's A Wonderful Life" and she's at the part where that little girl is saying the bit about the angel getting his wings and, even though she's really cute, her voice just gets on my last single good nerve and I want to kick the tv screen in. Allison, on the other hand, is sitting there on the sofa amongst used kleenex bawling her eyes out when Jane shows up wearing one of her ugly BROWN creations with a red dress for Allison. Allison isn't really in a "Christmas fundraiser at Bobby's" kind of mood, but Jane convinces her to go, telling her that they each deserve a good Christmas and that *not* going only let's Richard, Jo and Brooke "win". She finishes up with something about "givin' them hell" and all I really noticed was that Jane really has a beautiful smile, even if she *is* bald.

Peter shows up at Amanda's to take her to the fundraiser and then announces that they aren't going. When Amanda asks why, he says he doesn't want to go to BOBBY'S so Amanda tells Peter about her decision to bring Bobby's business back to D & D and Peter throws a big fit but Amanda "kisses her way out of it" and at least this time she didn't shove him onto the sofa.

At the big Christmas fundraiser, Sydney is getting raves from all sorts of important-looking extras. Jane and Allison walk in, and Michael leaves Sydney and stays glued - literally - to Jane for the rest of the evening. Bobby then walks by and asks Sydney why she didn't want to have her party there and Syd explains that she *knows* he's "Amanda's mobster" but that his secret is safe with her and I doubt she even knows what that word means.

Amanda and Peter pull up outside and Amanda sees Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum, the FBI Doublemint twins, standing a few paces away with a camera. She goes marching over to them and knocks the camera to the ground before turning to go inside the house. Peter is eager to know who they are and how they know his and Amanda's names even though they don't really know Amanda's name because they insist on calling her Parezi. Amanda tells Peter it's a long story and now I'm wondering exactly what happened between her and Bobby and the FBI oh so many years ago in Miami.

Back inside, Richard, Jo and Allison are standing together upstairs looking down on Jane and Michael while Richard and Jo make all sorts of nasty comments about Jane's schmoozing so Allison excuses herself and Jo does this stupid looking Mickey Mouse grin.

Peter and Bobby are out by the pool and Bobby is saying he wants to be friends and Peter is in Bobby's face telling him that the FBI slugs wouldn't be harassing Amanda if she weren't involved with Bobby. Amanda walks out and catches Bobby saying something about "not being too fond of Peter either" so she interrupts them and Peter storms back into the house saying he's leaving and that Amanda can come with him if she wants. Amanda tells Bobby that if she and he can't convince Peter that they can work together, that something will have to go and it won't be Peter because she loves him. She then follows her insecure boyfriend and leaves the party.

Sydney is sitting watching Michael and her very intoxicated sister dancing, if you can even call it that, because Michael is showing everyone that he has no rhythm and Jane is bumping into everyone and falling on the floor, obviously having a balancing problem now that she lost all that excess hair-weight. Anyway, Sydney has obviously had enough of it and she puts some of her tranquilizers in a glass of champagne, which she then takes to her sister who is just stupid enough to drink it.

Matt and Rudeboy are at Shooters and when Jake asks why they aren't at the big Christmas fundraiser, Matt explains that he wasn't invited so Jake says something like "You're always welcome here" and then gives them each a free beer, so it appears that Matt is Jake's only friend in the whole great wide world now. But what I want to know is, if a former hospital employee who is now a medical student isn't welcome at a hospital fundraiser, then what the HELL are people like Jane, Richard, Jo, and Allison doing there? Matt and Rudeboy then give each other goo-goo eyes and decide to go back to Matt's place.

Jane is "all warmed up for Michael" and she tells him this, so the 2 of them sneak off upstairs together. Kimberly walks up to Sydney and tells her what a "great party" this is. Sydney then asks Kimberly about the pills and Kimberly advises her against taking one tonight since she's been drinking and the combination of pills and alcohol would be dangerous. Some woman comes along then and tells Sydney that it's time for the presentation, so Sydney walks up to the podium. We then see Michael and Jane in the guest room ("hey, we're guests!") ripping off their clothes. Sydney announces that this year's scholarship is going to be presented by her "personal physician", Dr. Michael Mancini. Everyone applauds, but naturally there is no Michael because we now see that he is rolling on the bed with Jane and has just discovered that, not only has Jane passed out, she has no pulse. Out loud he says, "Oh my God I killed her". The music is building now as we see an irritated Sydney once again announce "Dr. Michael Mancini!" Michael, in nothing but his boxers, then runs out of the bedroom screaming down to a room full of people waiting on him to "Dial 911!". He's looking down and Sydney is looking up at him and the room does a big collective gasp as we fade to black.

**NO PREVIEWS** which is actually a relief since next week is my birthday and it will be nice to have a week off from doing this. :)