Billy is being interrogated by this week's cop of the week - and  both men are tapping themselves on the forehead with two fingers, clearly this is tv shorthand to indicate a stressful situation. Billy says that he doesn't know where Sam's father is. The cop tells him that Jim was spotted in LA that morning - "but you wouldn't know anything about that, wouldya?" And to show how potentially threatening he can be he crouches down behind Billy and gives him a scary little shoulder massage, causing Billy to wonder if prison-sex really is all it's cracked up to be. Meanwhile Sam's in the next room being interviewed by the female twin of Billy's inquisitor. I'm from England, and have never understood a word that sand-paper throated Sam has ever said, but the gist seems to be - "It wasn't me! I'm in trouble aren't I?" The female cop simply stares at Sam's red-check supermarket uniform in disgust causing Sam to do her best Alison side-ways eyes impression. Eventually the police get tired of this pathetic pair and release them. Outside Billy asks Sam if she had seen her father. Sam confesses that she did see him once, and they start arguing loudly in the police parking lot. Billy exits, enraged, leaving Sam to ogle his butt in bemusement.

Credits

Various weirdo names are credited after the main titles - Danny Darst, Markus Flannagan, Camila Griggs. The producer is apparently called Chip so that should give us some indication of what is to come.

Wilshire Memorial

Taylor, still wearing her "Beth hair" is listening to Michael explain to her what rage epilepsy is and how this is his plan for Peter. "You're gonna give Peter a disease?" asks Taylor, wondering if Michael intends to have sex with him. Michael explains that they're going to fake rage epilepsy for Peter. Taylor is unsure as this involves "screwing with someone's head" - a bit late for the woman who forced her husband to move across country to follow a man she's been secretly in love with for decades. Enter Peter who wonders why Michael and Taylor are talking together in the same room - they never share storyline space. Michael explains that he is trying to locate Peter for Taylor and the pair grin sheepishly. Taylor tells Peter she wants to make him happy by buying him coffee but Peter puts her in her place by telling her never to drop by the office again. "I just thought.." Taylor beings. "Don't think," Peter reprimands, leaving Taylor to do the sideways Alison look which translates to "any moral qualms I had about screwing with your head are now dealt with".

Ojai Diner

Jake and Alison are being shown round the diner they're considering buying. Jake is attempting to be positive - "see the garden, we can grow our own vegetables". Alison says "it needs a face-lift and a lot of paint, but it's kind of cute" - and for a moment we think she's talking about Jake rather than to Jake. They both agree to "go for it" and hug to celebrate. But their eyes are saying different things.

D+D Advertising

Craig shows a distraught Syd into his office, who confesses that she tried to "do right by him" but Harry the sleaze lawyer wants to go for the whole five million and is blackmailing her because she "slipped accidentally on purpose for money." Craig asks "are you saying this was all a set-up?" which is like asking "do we breathe air?" Syd tries to apologise. "This was all before I knew you, before I liked you." Then she comes out with one of the best lines she's had for a while: "I'll end up in the penitentiary, in a small cell, with Bertha! I'll be her bitch!" She collapses into a chair at this, while Craig almost corpses (an acting term for laughing out of character). However, Craig snaps back to type and tells Syd that he understands and he'll take care of Harry and Big Bertha.

Meanwhile, Amanda is on the phone to Kyle talking about their flight to Santa Domingo. The rest of the conversation is completely banal, concerning hotels and taxis and meeting in the courtyard at 10:15. Note to writers, more exploding buildings and splitting personalities, and less of this realism please.

Kyle's Restaurant

Megan comes to tell Kyle that he ruined Jennifer's life. Kyle says "that's a crock!" and that after he and Jennifer broke up she started dating all these Ivy League guys. Megan fills him on the truth, that she dropped out of school and started hanging out with the "wrong element" - like Michael and Megan. Kyle looks puzzled - "I just assumed Jennifer was telling the truth." Well duh! Megan gives Kyle the address of the strip joint where Jennifer's working and tells him to clean up his "mess". Kyle checks his crotch and goes for a Kleenex.

Strip joint

Hurrah! Sleaze! Jennifer's serving drinks and attempting to look harassed. Her boss suddenly appears and tells her "he's giving her a break in showbiz." It's her turn to do a pole-dance which is the phrase every enthusiastic employee hopes to hear. Jennifer suddenly gets into a moral panic, but before she can respond Kyle appears and slams the boss against the wall. Jennifer is impressed but feels compelled to complain that maybe she "wanted to strip". Kyle tells her that taking her clothes off to demean herself isn't going to solve her problems, and considering that this is what most of the Melrose cast do, weekly, for large amounts of money, I think there's a bit of Harriet Hypocrite in the air today. However, one of the bouncers from Jerry Springer decides he wants some of Kyle's marine ass. Kyle swats him with sneeze and an arched eyebrow and then escorts Jennifer to the door.

Shooters

Sam is crawling round Billy trying to make him forgive her. They notice that they're been shadowed by one of LAPD's finest who is looking out for Jim Reilly. Billy realises that drinking in Shooters and having your own police tail are about the two trashiest things possible on this show, and drags Sam home in disgrace.

Kyle's Apartment

Kyle tells Jennifer that he's going to be out of town and she can stay at his place while he's getting a divorce, and when he gets back they can have a serious conversation if the writers are up to it. He starts talking about bed-linen, once again falling into banality. "There's no food in the refrigerator," he admits. Jennifer pulls a face as if to say "This is LA - everyone here has an eating disorder anyway. Why would I want to eat?" Kyle sends Jennifer to his restaurant to get some food, just in case she fancies throwing up later.

The Courtyard

Amanda and Kyle leave for the Dominican Republic as Billy and Sam arrive home to find Mr White Trash himself sitting on their sofa. "I climbed through the window" he says proudly. "Leave!" begs Sam. "For me." But Daddy wants "ten grand and a plane ticket" and blackmails Billy and Sam. Sam reminds her father that they're as poor as he is, so Daddy laughs maniacally and climbs out of the window. Billy promises to get him everything he wants as long as he leaves. "You have my word," says Daddy - "Scouts Honour". Billy and Sam hug as the Melrose Place guitar player interjects some "thoughtful" incidental music.

Dominican Republic airport

Establishing shots of chickens in cages so we know it's not some Hollywood set really. Kyle tells Amanda that their hotel is washed out, but their taxi driver has found them a beach-house for a 1000 pesos. Amanda is sceptical, but goes along with it. They go to fill in their forms at the airport's special quickie divorce counter and are told by Meester Stock Foreign Character that it will take a couple of days for the forms to be processed. This scene is played for comedy, but Kyle and Amanda are no Michael and Syd unfortunately. And the taxi-driver's character is almost bordering on racism!

Harry's office

Craig has broken in and is doing some "filing" of his own. He is surprised by a furious Harry who threatens him with the police. Craig offers him ten thousand to drop all charges, which does not impress Harry. So Craig pounces on him asking "what's it gonna be?" "I'll take the money!" Harry cries, as if he's in one of those 80s gameshows. "Good boy", Craig says, leaving. Goodbye Harry. You served your purpose, now you're written out.

Wilshire Memorial

Chelsea is having her hand bandaged while mommy Denise gloats in the background. A flustered Matt arrives, late, having been in surgery, prompting Denise to say "apparently your work is more important than Chelsea." Matt roughly drags Denise out of the room, which is probably something he learnt by watching Michael doing it to Kimberly. "Chelsea needs me!"  shrieks Denise. The pair hiss threats at each other, and the scene ends on Matt staring sideways and up into the air with his lips pursed to invisibility.

The Dominican Republic

Kyle and Amanda are on the beach - Amanda is less than impressed by the beach-house Kyle has found for them - it's a little like the one Michael and Kimberly live in, but after Betsy's set fire to it. Kyle sends the taxi away. Again, this scene is played for comedy. And again, it's about as funny as roadkill. Amanda goes to "sleep off" the nightmare while the audience are saved from having to watch any more by a commercial break.

Kyle's

Michael and Taylor are scheming over a quick lunch. Michael slides some prescription drugs across the table for Taylor to drug Peter with that evening. Taylor, remembering that about five minutes ago she drugged Nick, starts worrying that she's becoming a recidivist drink-spiker - "Oh Michael, I don't know if I can drug someone again!" she murmurs. Michael puts two and two together and works out that this was why "Mr Marine beat the stuffing out of Peter in the hospital parking lot." But Taylor doesn't want to reminisce about happier times and gives Michael one of those tacky "talk to the hand" gestures. To convince Taylor, Michael resorts to a cheap Hallmark homily which he probably heard on Ricki Lake's end-of-show monologue that morning - "What goes around, comes around." This convinces Taylor, and the pair bond, realising that they are both as evil as each other. "Your plan is very inspired, it's so sick!" shrieks Taylor gleefully. She decides to "reward" Michael by placing those inflatable lips around his head, while Jennifer secretly watches in horror as her brother is consumed alive!

Syd's apartment

Syd lets in Craig, who instantly puts on some mushy love-music on the stereo and starts bragging about how he sorted out Harry. He then gives Syd a cheque for 40,000 dollars and starts kissing her. "Why are you doing all this for me?" asks Syd, unable to believe her luck. She begins babbling about how many times she's been hurt by men (which could last the rest of the episode) but Craig silences her with another kiss - the mushy music cancels out the usual MP guitar player, signifying that this really is true love, and not just another bout of meaningless desk-sex.

Kyle's rented beach shack in the Dominican Republic

Kyle is attempting to light a fire, while Amanda crawls out of the shack, wearing a sort of pink towel - the sort of thing that Alison would have worn to work in her old D+D days. The pair exchange more banal retorts, and all I can think is that there are plenty of other things Kyle could be doing with his mouth rather than talking with it.

Kyle's Apartment

Saint Megan brings round some food for Jennifer, who starts boasting about how she is getting back together with Kyle. The deluded thing! Megan (who is wearing that 70s safari suit with the winged collars) tries to take an objective view: "having a guy rescue you from a strip joint is pretty darn romantic" (I think this only applies to L.A. and Las Vegas) "but he's moved on." Jennifer doesn't want Megan to rain on her parade, but Megan gets all Judge Judy and says "a guy who cheated on his wife isn't likely to have a serious relationship." Hello! You're married to Michael! Huge own goal. Jennifer can't wait to cause trouble, and spills the beans about what she saw last night: "Taylor had her BIG lips wrapped around Michael's." So it's true - loose lips do sink ships! Megan pulls the Alison-patented stare and blink combination.

Billy's Apartment

Billy arrives home from work to tell Sam that he's got the 10,000 dollars his father asked for. The pair try to think about how to give the cops the slip. Sam suggests that they "divide and conquer": Billy goes out the front door, while she slips out the back window - just like Daddy did earlier. Even she realises how stupid this plan is because she looks down dumbly and her words trail off incomprehensibly. However, Billy approves (surprise!)

Kyle's beach shack

It's now night-time so at least we have been spared a whole day of Kyle playing Man Friday to Amanda. Kyle toasts "one hell of a good day" and tells Amanda that he "had more fun with you than a whole troop of marines" (!) Even Amanda is impressed at her powers and makes a toast to "the end of old relationships". "Out with the old and in with the new," Kyle agrees, making this the third scene in ten minutes to contain a tired cliche. To celebrate his new freedom, Kyle makes a speech about "the end of love" and then throws his ring into the sea. He then fondles one of Amanda's lank, black-rooted strands of hair. But they both realise they "can't do this" and Amanda waddles off - still clad in the pink towel from the morning, back to the shack. Kyle looks after her, then into the sea, then back at Amanda, then back towards the sea - as if trying to decide which is the best choice. Sleep with Amanda, or drown.

Dominican Republic Airport

Kyle is now officially a free man, having had his divorce papers processed. Amanda is on the telephone to Craig who tells her that Syd's dropping the lawsuit. "I apologise for every mean thing I ever said to you", says Amanda happily. "Good work." Back at D+D, Craig hands the phone to Syd who hangs up. "You know," Syd grins. "I'm really gonna like it here!" Surely this was a song in Annie? As Syd starts to file her nails (slipping back into secretary personality already) the camera ominously pans down to her desk, where a large sign proclaims "Sydney Andrews Consultant!" And is it that surprising that she's working at D+D? I mean, she's about the only character who hasn't so far.

Shooters

Jake is showing round a prospective buyer who is smoking a cigar about as long as a pool cue. The buyer announces that he will turn Shooters into a dry-cleaners and leaves. "It won't be the same without Shooters", coos Matt, who can always be relied on to state the obvious. He then goes on to ask if Jake and Alison are planning on starting a family in Ojai (pronounced Oh! Hi! incidentally). At this point Alison steps into camera-shot and decides to listen to Jake's reply which is "that dream's over" whatever that means. Matt starts raving about how wonderful parenthood (i.e. Chelsea) is, but Jake says he's got Alison, what more can a man want. Alison looks (rightly) unconvinced.

Peter's House

The soundtrack goes into tension overload as Taylor drugs Peter's scotch. Taylor then does her Stepford Wife impersonation and tells Peter to relax and drink up. Peter sips the drink, and there's an unnecessary close-up of Taylor wetting those blubbery lips in anticipation.

The Courtyard

Kyle and Amanda have arrived home after their exciting divorce/holiday. They exchange goodnights, and Kyle looks at his ring-less hand poignantly. Amanda enters her apartment, and opens a window to tell Kyle she had a good time. But the moment is spoilt by Jennifer appearing to welcome him. Amanda hisses jealously and slams the window shut.

Laundromat

Billy's not here to wash his smalls but to meet Jim and give him the money. Daddy announces that he's not going anywhere without Samantha. "Get the hell out of our lives, man!" squeals Billy, who is floored by a punch from Jim the next second. "Tell Sam I'll be in touch", Jim threatens, leaving with the money.

Peter's House

Taylor lets Michael in, and they examine Peter who's out cold. Michael bangs Peter's hand repeatedly against the coffee table, to make it look bruised. Taylor is jealous that Michael's giving Peter all the attention: "Stop it already! I need a bruise too, don't I?" Michael wants to use make-up, but Taylor wants the real thing. "Hit me!" she begs. "Take your best shot!" And she's acting a little too enthusiastically for my liking. Michael can't, so Taylor hits him in exasperation. "If I can hit you, you can hit me," she instructs. "Welcome to my Theatre of Pain!" Suddenly Taylor has an idea, and runs to the front door. "What are you doing?" Michael asks. "What you couldn't!" Taylor replies, banging the door in her face and sending the sound-track guys into spasms. The door bounces off her lips and goes hurtling across L.A. while America cheers. Never has self-abuse been so rewarding. "I had to do it!" Taylor gurgles, clutching Peter's prone body, and there's that little Arabian Nights Beth Refrain to take us to the credits.

--written and edited by Paul