Apartment Complex

Billy arrives home, and either he's trying a new style of acting, or he's trying to get a piece of spinach stuck between his teeth out of his mouth with his tongue. Samantha, who has been anxiously waiting for him starts babbling questions at him about Daddy, and Billy announces that he was "slugged" - which explains the tongue-mechanics. Sam can't believe that her father did it - "he's not violent, maybe you did something to provoke him". Billy finally tells Sam what her best friend can't tell her, and it's not that she's got body odour, but that her father is an evil ex-con who wants to run away with her. As Billy goes to get a piece of dental floss for that spinach, Sam leans against a convenient wall and starts to roll her head backwards and forwards. Welcome to method acting kids, the Billy and Sam way.

Peter's apartment

Peter wakes up to find himself lying on the sofa and the apartment in a mess. As usual, in tv shorthand this means that some continuity toadling has hung a picture at a jaunty angle and rearranged the cushions on the sofa in an "interesting" way. Taylor is meanwhile COWERING on a windowsill and begins to ooze subservience. "Please don't hurt me, I'll be good, I promise." As Peter approaches her, Taylor changes her tune and blubbers that if he comes near she'll phone the police. Peter doesn't understand so Taylor tells him that after a couple of drinks he went into a "crazy rage...or something". "This is crazy," says Peter. "No!" Taylor cries. "You're crazy, you're crazy!" That's the word "crazy" used four times in under ten seconds now.  I think we get the idea writers. Peter looks at his hand and notices that it's as swollen as Taylor's lips. "Leave me alone," Taylor begs. The "Arabian Nights" Beth refrain SWELLS to crescendo as Peter apologises. "We'll talk tomorrow, insists Taylor - who, what with the rest of her face now matching her lips almost looks in proportion. As Peter staggers off, Taylor looks through the French windows (an old Noel Coward device) at Michael who is giving one of his famous mischievious grins. This causes Taylor to attempt to cram her whole hand in her mouth. She succeeds.

Credits. It's an episode written by Frank South, so let's cross our fingers and hope it's a good one.

Jake and Alison's apartment

Jake is trying to talk about the advantages of doing business with friends, but he is even more inarticulate than usual. Perhaps Alison's cold stare is making him nervous. "I'm worried that you may be giving up what you want, to do the right thing," Alison blurts out. Jake opens his mouth, but no words come out. A knock at the door saves future embarrassment. It's Jake's ready-made family: Colleen and David, who are about as annoying as tertiary characters can be. "Tell him Mom," whines David. "Dad left us! We're moving to Hawaii." (Which is the first thing you do when a man walks out on you). Jake ushers in the discarded pair. Alison glares at the intruders, wondering if David is the mysterious 4th member of Hanson. She makes her excuses and leaves to throw some clothes on. Colleen explains she's had a job offer and they're leaving on Friday. Jake says that gives them three days together and they can have a good time, while Alison, of course, has lingered long enough to witness this sickening bonding, and doesn't have to take her appetite suppressant for a week.

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Amanda congratulates Craig on handling the whole Syd/insurance blackmail debacle while she was getting her divorce last episode. Craig suddenly introduces D+D's new "efficiency co-ordinator"...Syd, who announces that she's scheduled a meeting with Amanda to go over some "personnel changes." You have to hand it to Syd, she's only been there 5 minutes in tv-time, and she's already running the place. Amanda makes the sign of the cross and backs away muttering "no, no, no, no. Get this piece of garbage out of here now." Syd tells Amanda that her new job is part of her settlement contract. Amanda is defeated and makes a vague threat before slinking off in disgust. Craig and Syd high-five, clearly having enjoyed the beginning of what is hopefully going to be a long and pleasurable revenge.

Burns-Mancini

Michael apologises (and lies) to Megan for staying out all night. Megan tells him she doesn't believe him, resulting in more lies and indignant anger from Michael. Once Megan has apologised, they kiss. Peter arrives, looking sulky, and skulks into his office. Michael follows him and tells him that he looks " a mess". Peter doesn't appreciate Michael's fake concern, but has no-one else to turn to. He asks Michael if he's ever had black-outs. "No," says Michael. "Have you?" Peter confesses that he has, and starts talking about his "self-medicating" and the fact that he's been drinking too much scotch. Michael offers to do some "tests", but Peter says he can handle it, he just needs to stop drinking. However, this scene establishes Michael as Peter's counsellor in this storyline.

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Amanda is hosting a campaign meeting for Kyle's new Jazz club, filling her presentation with buzz-words galore: "pop culture", "refuge", "coverage". "We haven't heard Sydney's opinion on this," says Craig. Amanda does not believe this is necessary, but before she can go on, Syd barges in to complain about the cost-effectiveness of the project. "No offence Kyle, but you don't have two nickels to rub together." Finally! Syd gets revenge on everyone who's abused her this season. Amanda starts to defend Kyle, but Billy (surprisingly) agrees with Syd. Craig merely smiles, enjoying putting Amanda through the wringer. "I'd like to see some paper-work on my desk before we commit", Syd announces - proving that when it comes to business-speak, she beats Amanda hands down. Amanda calls the meeting to a halt, and starts putting stationery in her bag in a frustrated way. Once everyone has gone, Kyle asks Amanda if her frosty attitude has anything to do with the fact that Jennifer is living with him. Amanda freezes him out and leaves, saying "I've got work to do." "You would have made a hell of a marine," says Kyle - and I'm not even going to try to figure out what THAT means.

Cheap Motel

Sam is visiting with Daddy. "Did you hit Billy?" she asks. "He started pushin' and shovin'," Daddy drawls. "It makes me sick to have to put you in harm's way." (!?) Sam has had enough of this trailer-trash-talk. "When are you leaving town?" she asks. "When you're ready to come with me," Daddy tells her. Sam is dumb-founded, so Daddy goes on to explain his warped logic on the matter - "when you testified against me you ruined my life. Now we get a chance to make up. In Mexico! You changed my life, and now I'm changing yours." I suppose there is a sort of sick Kimberly-esque Season 2 symmetry in it, but really - how can anyone take a man seriously who says things like "I sure as hell am?"

Shooters

Michael and Taylor (resplendent in full Beth regalia) are having a "Mess With Peter's Mind Meeting". Michael wants a repeat performance of last night, but Taylor doesn't want the plan to go any further as Peter's only drinking orange juice (duh! This is foreshadowing) and is treating her with a new respect. "What about the Beth thing?" asks Michael. Taylor has to confess that it's still going on, but has promised it will stop. Michael warns Taylor that soon he'll have her playing Beth, Judy Garland and the Vienna Boy's Choir (been hanging round with Matt again eh Mikey?) Michael tells Taylor that they have to convince Peter that he's as sick as Charles Manson (who by the standards of the rest of the cast would probably be running a homeless refuge). Taylor simply stares into space. Michael grabs her hands in a gesture meant to reassure her, but Megan catches sight of his from the other side of the bar. She looks dumbly to the side, but all I can think is "why has she chosen to make an outfit out of a pair of my grandmother's curtains?"

Billy's apartment

Samantha arrives home and confesses that she's been with Daddy. They argue. "So you've found out what I really am. A white trash chick who's not good enough for ya," says Sam. Finally - someone calls a spade a spade. "I'm ruining your life because I'm a nothing," Sam continues. "A lying, dirt-poor NOTHING." And now this is all starting to sound a little bit too VC Andrews for my liking. Sam says that maybe she should leave, but Billy tells her that she is "sunlight" and "sweetness" (I'm not making this up) and that they're going to go to the police tomorrow. "Promise me that you'll always be with me," says Sam. Billy promises (remember, promises are only good for half a season on this show). They kiss.

Matt's apartment

Matt is trying to be fatherly to Chelsea. "We've been having a lot of fun, haven't we?" asks Matt. "Yes," admits Chelsea, "But my Mom's arriving any second and it's her turn to be nice to me now." Matt looks as if she's slapped him in the face. Chelsea looks out of the window and attempts, in her teenage, awkward, poor vocabulary way that she loves him. They hug, and all I can think is "why are they even pretending to give Matt storylines any more?" Rollerblade girl gets more coverage.

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Syd tells Craig that she suspects that Amanda is ripping him off. She wants to challenge Amanda openly, but Craig is more war-weary - "she gets majorly vicious". "Are you afraid of her?" asks Syd - coining the title for the season finale. Craig says "no", and gives Syd some Kung Fu-esque advice. "Watch everything that Amanda does, learn from her. And when the time is right, Amanda will regret selling us short." Syd likes this plan. "You mean be sneaky?  I can do that." They seal the deal with a kiss, and of course Amanda walks past and witnesses the kiss (through those open horizontal blinds that have seen more action than a Texas whorehouse).

Police Station

Sam gives the police the address of her father's motel, and the address of where she's supposed to be meeting him. I notice that she's also had another make-over, perhaps to redress her "white trash" identity. The police are not impressed and tell her that she lied about not seeing him, when she clearly did. Billy attempts to defend her, which cuts no ice. The police say they'll meet Jim at the address Sam's given. "Don't hurt him," Sam asks, which of course now means that they will.

Apartment Complex

Jake and David are (literally) romping about in the pool together, almost in a homage to Season 1 when the Pool wasn't the gateway to HELL and this sort of thing used to happen at the end of every episode. Alison calls them into the house, away from the prying eyes of their neighbours. David tells Jake that he's had so much fun, and he hopes that nothing will change. He then calls Jake "Dad". "Is that OK?" Jake's eyes glaze over. "Perfect!" he purrs. But Alison, who has overheard this saccharine exchange, is almost bent double in pain.

Peter's House

Taylor is making plans, but Peter wants an early night. He disappears into the bedroom, just as Michael lets himself in. "I'm not doing this again," says Taylor. Suddenly, they hear a crash and rush to find Peter comatose again. "I sensed you'd get cold feet so I spiked his orange juice," says Michael. "Thanks for the info." Michael starts to drag Peter away, while Taylor merely looks worried.

Playground

It's the next day. Two children are watching Peter wake up. "Is he dead?" asks one. "I don't know, poke him with a stick." How charming. At least they aren't trying to steal his shoes. Peter sits up (banging his head on a climbing frame in the process). One of the children points at Peter's car - which is parked at an angle even worse than I can manage. "I'm sorry to tell you Dr Burns but you have FAILED your driving test."

Apartment Complex

Jake bumps into Alison as he is leaving. Alison has bought groceries for breakfast, but Jake is on his way to the bank, and then the zoo with David. Alison declines the invitation "I got things to do". They kiss, and Jake leaves. Alison goes inside and starts to unpack. Bad girl. It's orange juice and vodka. What is it with all the orange juice this week? Alison pours that first drink. That girl's fallen off the wagon so many times that she mustn't have an unbroken bone left in her body.

Burns-Mancini

A dishevelled Peter enters Michael's office and confesses that he hit Taylor during his blackout and doesn't remember doing it. He then tells Michael about last night's blackout which resulted in his little playground adventure. "And when I got home, Taylor's locked herself into the bathroom and is too terrified to talk." Michael offers to do a battery of tests, in secret. "We're friends Peter," he says. The slime!

Colleen's hotel

Alison staggers into Colleen's room and says "It's time the ladies of the house had a little pow-wow." Colleen can't help noticing that Alison is a little "looped". Alison tells her that she's been celebrating "the bond between a man and his son". Er, Okay. Colleen "senses" Alison's jealousy and says that she doesn't want to mess anything up between her and Jake. "That would be mean," Alison slurs, "And you're NICE! Sho, did Jake tell you what a bitch I was?" Alison asks. "Did you really want Jake out of your life? I need to know?" Colleen admits that she didn't want to lose Jake, but accepts that he is married. "Don't accept anything round here," Alison tells her. "Things change!" What! After 5 seasons, that's the most profound thing she has to offer.

"Upstairs"

Welcome to Kyle and Amanda's new jazz club. Amanda isn't impressed with the act who are auditioning. Kyle can't work out her problem. "This is about something else. When we were in the Dominican Republic, I thought like we were connected." Amanda tells him that it doesn't have anything to do with Jennifer, but she's not ready to give up her vow of celibacy. "You're a control freak," accuses Kyle. "That's why we haven't kissed, because you're afraid of losing control." Amanda rises to the bait and they kiss. Amanda feigns a non-reaction, but once outside, it's a different story. She bites her lip and looks skyward like a teenage girl at the prom. My partner started making comments about trails of slime at this point, but as this is a family update, I won't pursue that thought any further.

Burns-Mancini

Michael tells Peter that the test results are back and he has "rage epilepsy". Peter has read about it and knows there is medication, but Michael recommends a stress-free life. "You should let go of some of your obligations." Peter goes home early, and Michael gives Megan Peter's file. Megan starts to warn Michael about trust. "Trust is more important than the air that we breath." Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. Megan complains that she never sees Michael, and to make matters worse, Michael tells her that he's going to be late again tonight, but will make it up to her. Once he's left, Megan throws a vase at the door after him. Hey, maybe Kimberly really IS her guardian angel. Megan's certainly starting to act like her.

"Upstairs"

It's the grand opening, and assorted extras are pretending to enjoy themselves. Kyle is welcoming everyone. Jennifer makes friends with Billy and Sam, who isn't interested because she's still worrying about her Dad. Kyle asks Jake where Alison is. Jake says that she "came down with something pretty lousy" I think it's time for him to wake up and smell the vodka. Amanda arrives "fashionably late" and Kyle scoots over to flirt with her. The pair seem to be getting on well until Amanda notices Jennifer serving drinks behind the bar. Amanda is furious "It's sick!" They argue and Kyle walks off. Jennifer cackles with laughter, having watched the whole scene.

Lycee

The cops are waiting for Jim Reilly in a deserted part of the city. They receive a radio message that he's been sighted in an alley, but when the police go after the suspect they find it's just another ancient extra in a baseball cap. "I'm Fred! Some guy told me to meet him here about a job." The cops start arguing amongst each other "If his DAUGHTER told us that he'd be here then why wasn't he?" "Samantha Reilly who is his DAUGHTER, his DAUGHTER etc". The camera pans down to Jim Reilly who is hiding in the bushes and has overheard the whole conversation, especially the bits involving his daughter. Isn't this a little bit too similar to a Season 5 opener storyline involving Syd and Jane meeting Richard in the "garment district"?

"Upstairs"

Syd goes to "confront" Amanda, who is slowly getting drunk. "Nice club Amanda." "Thankyou. Go away." Syd crows that Amanda's losing her touch. "There I am criticising your every move and you can't get rid of me." Syd gloats that Craig is now on her side. "You think that just because you jumped in the sack with Craig that you're the all-powerful Oz," says Amanda. "You're a pathetic substitute." "It is really sad to see the old lioness losing her teeth, sitting her getting sloshed", gloats Syd. Amanda has had enough and staggers over to Craig. They dance. Craig tells Amanda that he'd pick Sydney over her any day. Amanda doesn't care and laughs bitterly. But Syd has seen enough and walks out in disgust. "I'm starting to think you really are evil!" cries Craig as he runs after Syd. Amanda spins round to see Kyle also watching, and disapproving. And I guess nobody's going to get any sex tonight. Orange juice anybody?

--written and edited by Paul