So another happy day dawns on the fashionable side of LA, and this is illustrated for us by the same old peppy music and the same old shots of people walking around looking aimless, and can we PLEASE get rid of the woman whose ass is showing through her ripped jeans? The montage keeps switching from black and white to color and back again, which totally confuses me. I'm in Oz! I'm in Kansas! I'm in Oz! I'm in Kansas!

I'm in prison! Peter is doing push-ups on his perfectly clean jail cell floor when Icky Police Officer #6 comes by and tells him that his "sexy blonde wife" is waiting to see him. Peter grunts, "Tell her I'll see her in court." Wait, is Peter suing Amanda now? I missed something! Peter asks when he gets his shoelaces back, pointing to his perfectly white sneakers which accessorize his spotless blue prison uniform. Why is Peter's jail cleaner than my house? Why do I pay attention to these things?

Well, I guess it's better than paying attention to the plot. Amanda is informed that Peter doesn't want to see her, which does nothing for her mood. Michael shows up, supposedly to show support, but Amanda accuses Michael of trying to convince Peter to tell Amanda to lay off of Kimberly. I think. I may have missed a step there. So Amanda grabs Monkey Boy by his lapels and slams him against the wall -- yes! That's my favorite Amanda superhero move! -- and she informs him that "either your wife gets her story straight, or I will hammer a ten-foot nail into her coffin." Michael's primary concern is for his suit, as is proper for a Melrose character.

Sydney and Jane walk through the forest squabbling, apparently having spent the night nesting in a tree. They hear a guy behind them say "Good morning," which sets them squealing, but then they realize that it's not Richard at all -- it's a dimwitted forest ranger! Hey Boo-Boo! Let's see if he gives them a pick-a-nick basket! Jane and Syd start babbling about a man trying to kill them, so Ranger Tom calms them down: "Well, you're in the hands of the National Park Service now, so you're safe." Wow, I certainly feel secure now. Might as well get saved by mall security.

So can we drag out this Kimberly's-testimony plot a while longer? Let's try. At the hospital, Mike and Kim have another confab about it. Her contention: If she tries to lie on the stand for Peter, she'll get confused and get him in more trouble. His contention: Stop whining and do as I say. The clear winner: Michael! Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. And now we leave Kimberly's lame storyline behind and move on to Matt's lame storyline. Michael is furious because he got a call from Matt's pharmacist, asking why he prescribed Benzedrine for Matt. You'd think if the pharmacist was suspicious about that he would have called Michael BEFORE filling the prescription, rather than AFTER, but who can say. Maybe he had a change of heart about it. Maybe he turned over a new leaf. Maybe I should stop trying to make sense of all this. Michael threatens to call the police, which sends Matt completely into overdrive, claiming that he'll get rid of the pills. Michael takes pity on Addict Boy and says he'll let this go for now, but tells him, "If you intend to graduate, you better clean up your act." Of course, Matt didn't hear a word, since Michael was shaking the bottle of pills around like they were maracas, and Matt was so distracted watching his last stash hit the road that he wasn't really listening.

Jane, Syd, and their ranger friend drive up to where they left Jane's car. "Psycho slashed my tires!" Jane huffs, as if that just proves it. He's a maniac! Syd notes that Richard must have a gun and a knife -- "That makes him armed and dangerous, right? Shoot to kill?" Ranger Tom blinks his eyes a few times and says, "Um, maybe the sheriff's back from lunch." A little bit in over our head, are we, Tom? "Don't worry, we'll get him," Tom promises, as if the Park Service is known throughout the land for catching dangerous criminals. Maybe after that we can give someone a citation for not clearing his campsite!

Night falls, and it's time to catch up with the new meat. Amanda comes home from a long day of standing around in the prison hallways and looking pouty, and who does she find outside her door but everyone's favorite couple, Taylor and Kyle! Taylor introduces Amanda to Kyle, as if she cares. Then Taylor oh-so-casually inquires after Peter, saying, "I hope he wasn't too hurt the other day." Amanda just stares at Taylor, unable to comprehend that anyone could possibly be interested in this storyline. By the way, are we sick of wrapping up last year's stories? Yes, we are, but look at the alternative. Taylor and Kyle! Yep, it's gonna be a long year, kids. "Watch out for your nose," Amanda snaps as she slams the door in their faces. Taylor's just going to walk away, but Kyle eggs her on, reminding her, "In Boston, you wouldn't take that crap from anyone." Okay, Kyle, let's hear your master plan. Bust the door down? Level the building with atomic warheads? What? But Taylor doesn't want to harass a woman whose husband is in prison, decent normal human behavior which Kyle takes as evidence that something's wrong. What is she not telling him? Once again, she sidesteps, and apparently this character is planning to take her little secret to the grave, which frankly would be fine with me. Next!

Meanwhile, Jake and Alison are sucking face in her soon-to-be-ex-apartment, dreaming of the day when they get to "break in" her new apartment, Kyle-style! Their face-off is interrupted by a knock from Billy, who is becoming more of a stalker every day. They immediately stand three feet apart and try to act natural as Billy barges in and stares sullenly at Alison. Billy wants to help Alison pack or take her to dinner or something, so Jake tries to make a quick exit. But Jake isn't immune to the stalking -- Billy has tickets to the USC game, which I'm assuming is some kind of competitive event. (Don't they KNOW not to make sports references on Melrose?) Jake is too busy stealing Billy's ex-girlfriend to spend time with him, so he makes a lame excuse and leaves. Alison then tries to weasel out of dinner with Billy, but Billy zeroes in on an old soccer shirt that he gave her that's clearly in the junk pile. "You're not thinking of throwing this away, are you?" he says, accusingly. "I wore this the year we won the league, so I think you should keep it." Okay, Billy? Reality test here. It's multiple choice. You are: A) no longer Alison's boyfriend. B) THERE ISN'T ANY "B"! Get your stinky soccer shirts out of her apartment! But Alison doesn't seem able to break this simple truth to the boy, so she agrees to carry the damn thing around for the rest of her life. "So where do you want me to start?" says the boy who can't take no for an answer. Alison doesn't want him to help her pack, so he says he'll file her change-of-address form or rent a truck or something. Hey there, tiger, slow down! This is all getting a little too Single White Boyfriend for me, but Alison mentions that she does need a truck. Billy the puppy, happy to be of help, immediately goes off to call for the truck rental. Um, Billy? It's, like, midnight. They won't be open. Maybe you can stand outside and scrape the mezzuzah off Alison's doorframe while you're waiting for the sun to come up.

So I guess Jane and Sydney have spent a whole other day just stomping around in the woods, cause by now it's pretty late at night and they're still driving around with Ranger Tom. I hope they stopped at McDonald's or at least foraged for nuts and berries or something. Ranger Tom is going to drop them off so they can get picked up by Sam, and he also promises that tomorrow he'll arrange to have Jane's car towed to a garage, and he'll even make sure that Jane gets a good deal on the tires! What WON'T Ranger Tom do? Maybe he'll also vacuum the interior and rotate the tires for them if they ask him to. And to think Newt Gingrich wants to cut the Park Service budget. It's a damn shame. Anyway, as I say, they're driving along and Jane spots Richard's car parked in front of the Halfway House Cafe -- at least somebody's remembering to take care of his nutritional needs! Ranger Tom pulls over and confronts Richard, telling him to drop the bag of groceries and put his hands over his head. Richard wants to tell his side of the story, but just then, who should show up but everyone's favorite accident-prone target-roommate, Samantha! She drives up right between Richard and Tom, apologizing for being late. Don't worry, sweetheart, you're right on time for the gunplay! While Tom's distracted, Syd yells that Richard has a gun, so Tom immediately fires. He hits Richard right in the chest, and in his very last act before he dies, Richard shoots out both of Samantha's front windows. Kind of petty, if you ask me. Richard takes another slug in the gut and then does a slow and graceful dive backwards onto the pavement. Tom is shocked. Jane and Syd are relieved. Sam wonders why she keeps getting involved in this nonsense.

The next morning -- which now makes yet another full day that Jane hasn't been home to eat or change her clothes or anything -- we find Jane, Syd and Sam doing a little "I killed someone with almost no provocation" paperwork at the sheriff's office, just to tidy things up. The kids are free to go, but first Jane wants to view the body, alone. She wants to make sure Richard's really dead, cause, y'know, we saw him shot twice in the chest, but he could've just been faking the whole thing. You know these soap characters. Jane asks for a pin, so Sam hands over a brooch that she seems a little attached to. "It'll do," Jane says, and stabs Richard's corpse with it. All the air slowly leaks out of Richard and leaves a little wet pile of rubber on the table. "He's really dead," Jane smiles. Yes, dear, we know. Can we move on?

So remember all that stuff about Alycia knocking Bobby out a window and then running away and then getting hit by a truck before she could come back to confess? Well, don't bother dredging it up from the memory banks, since it's not even mentioned at Peter's hearing. Apparently the two people that you'd think would be important here -- the guy who's dead and the woman who actually killed him -- aren't even important enough to be mentioned. What is important, you ask? The WAITER. Peter's entire case is crumbling before his eyes because Kimberly is on the stand and she can't remember what color the waiter's HAIR was. Apparently, Arturo the waiter testified that he only served Kim, not Peter, on the night of the murder. (Oh, yes, there was a murder that night. Remember? I keep thinking that this entire hearing is just about whether Peter and Kimberly had dinner together or not.) The prosecutor gets Kimberly all rattled and finally gets her to admit that she doesn't really remember that night. "Your wife is DEAD," Amanda hisses to Michael.

But who needs rhetorically dead people when we've got real dead people to stick pins into? Sam, Syd and Jane are speeding away from the sheriff's office, happy as can be that they got away with murder. Sam's still got a bee in her bonnet: "I don't understand, I mean, why would you stab a dead man with a brooch?" Sam, let it go. As Jane points out, the point is that Richard's dead, so why not kick back and enjoy it? Just then, they hear a police siren signaling right behind them, and Syd and Jane kick right into Thelma and Louise-mode. "Step on the gas!" Syd yells, but luckily Sam's driving, so she just pulls over. The sheriff walks up and tells them they found a bag in Richard's trunk with Jane's initials on them -- damn that monogramming craze! Jane smiles a bit too wide and grabs the bag, stuffing it under her seat. Thanks, officer! The sheriff suggests they open it and check to see if anything's missing: "Fifty thousand dollars is a lot of cash to be carrying around." He points out that he's got a dead body back at the office and a couple of women with a bag full of money -- oh, God! The poor guy's trapped in a David Lynch film! "Are we under arrest?" Syd asks, but the sheriff decides he really doesn't need trouble like this. He lets them go, but tells 'em he never wants to see them again. Now there's something you don't see on TV every day -- a smart sheriff!

Back at Shooters, Matt's high on life again -- he's scoring more pills from his friend at the hospital, so he's zooming around the bar at a cruising altitude of forty thousand feet. Meanwhile, saucy barmaid Alison pauses to talk to Jake for two seconds, which means, of course, that Billy must be only moments behind. He turns up asking if Alison needs more help packing -- which she clearly does right now, considering that she's at work. She says she's all done, and she's moving tomorrow. Billy knows -- he already asked Amanda for the day off so he can help her. Yikes! He's thought of everything! There's no escape! Alison just gives up and moves off to serve a customer, and while her back is turned, Billy tells Jake that he's planned a moving-away party for Alison tomorrow night -- which ought to be one heck of a party, considering that she's only moving three blocks away. Okay, Billy -- you're clearly entering stalker territory here. There's no turning back, it's all Fatal Attraction from here on in. It's a good thing Alison doesn't own a rabbit.

So if this isn't depressing enough for you, Peter's having a conference at the prison with Amanda and his weird-looking troll lawyer, and he's going on about how there's no way he'll get out now. Kimberly's testimony was useless, he'll go to prison, Amanda will find another guy, and he'll just rot away forever, blah blah blah blah. C'mon, Peter, you're really bringing us down over here. So Peter's got a great idea; he'll testify in his own defense. The lawyer and Amanda protest, but Peter says he's got to take control and do what he can to get out, now. Amanda finally agrees, so Peter starts sketching out his plan. Remember, Pete, if the gloves don't fit, you must acquit!

And then it's back to 4616, where pretty pinpushing Jane is just waking up. And what's this? It looks like she's wearing one of Richard's old shirts as jammies (eww...). She hears the sounds of zippers zipping and since we know it isn't a guy doing up his pants, it must be Samantha coming to her senses and moving out. (Does U-Haul have a contract with this apartment complex?) Samantha is busy shoving candlesticks into her suitcase and she informs Jane that she's got to move out -- this lifestyle is just a touch too "alternative" for her. Jane promises Sam that the craziness is over but we all know that's an enormous lie, seeing as Kimberly is alive and well, and after all, this IS Melrose Place, right? Samantha doesn't want to hear it, telling Jane that she needs to get away from Jane and her crazy sister and the shootouts and the dead bodies... what makes her think that moving anywhere else in LA is going to be any different? Bada bing! But the poor thing's having nightmares, and she needs to go somewhere where she can concentrate full time on getting a real personality. Jane cuts her off in mid-rant (why is everyone doing these Matt-on-meth impressions lately?), and asks her -- quite insipidly, I might add -- for another chance. According to Jane, Sam's good company and she loves having her as a roommate. Now, I need a time out here to think about this. Why does Jane need Sam as a roommate so bad? Why the constant sucking up? I'm really confused. Is there a plot here that I'm missing or did the writers forget something somewhere along the way? Anyway, now that my Matt impression is out of the way, let's go on. Since Sam is a spineless little jellyfish and hasn't yet justified being on the show (where is her plot? I'm waiting...), she agrees to stay. Jane hugs Sam, and tells her she won't be sorry. Sam gives Jane a half-hearted hug back, and looks sorry already.

Outside, Matt has resumed his new hobby of moving boxes around (this time out of Alison's place), when he spots WonderLips, er, I mean Taylor, knocking on Amanda's door yet again. Matt informs her, "FYI, Amanda left a few minutes ago. She had to go to court." And here's an FYI for you, Matt: Nobody actually says "FYI". Taylor oozes with falseness one more time, saying how sorry she is she missed her. And at this point I'd like to pause for yet another time out. What's Taylor's whole deal? I'm really really lost. I don't know if they're building suspense or just forgetting vital details, but none of these new characters have a real purpose and what scenes they do show up in are awkward and weird-sounding. Must be part of that "more grounded" thing. Matt oversteps his bounds and informs Taylor that Amanda's husband is on trial for murder and is testifying today. Taylor says she hopes everything goes well for Amanda, and as Matt scurries away to load Alison's stuff into the truck Billy booked, Taylor's lovely husband shows up with a bunch of their suitcases. He asks her to take them upstairs so he can wait for the movers, but she stammers an excuse about a problem with the restaurant's liquor license that needs to be fixed RIGHT now and rushes off, no doubt to stalk Peter and Amanda some more. That's Jane's cue to come out of her apartment and run into Jake coming down the stairs carrying... more boxes! Kyle actually has to squeeze past Jane and Jake, who are blocking the stairs -- this scene is so busy, they don't need a director, they need a traffic cop. As Kyle skooches by, Jake tells Jane he's sorry for what happened, and she unsuccessfully tries to keep an enormous grin off her face: "Yeah, it was pretty awful. But it's over now and Richard can't hurt me any more". Sure, but watch out for crazy roommates wielding antique Egyptian brooches! Jake asks Jane why she didn't say anything about Richard stalking her, and she tells him she was trying to protect him. Excuse me? Protect him from what -- the intense emotional trauma of a bed full of dirt? Alison comes traipsing down the stairs, just to see if they can pack so many people into this scene that it becomes the stateroom scene from "A Night at the Opera." Jane's grin just gets bigger and bigger as she chirps a sickening "Hi!!!" at Alison. Jake needlessly explains that he's helping Alison move -- no, really? I thought he was stealing her stuff -- and Jane tells Alison she's sorry to see her go. Alison tells Jane she's sorry for all she's been through and wishes she could have been there for her. Of course we all know she'd take that back pretty quickly if she knew that shovels, guns, and large sums of cash were involved. Jane seizes the moment of self-pity to apologize to Alison and Jake for pushing them both away during the whole Richard/rape fiasco, and says she's learned her lesson: "Secrets only get you into more trouble". That and tires for a volkswagon are really expensive.

At the LA County Courthouse, Peter is testifying on his own behalf, in one of the few scenes this week that actually makes sense and is connected to a real plot. He recounts the story of the evening he and Kimberly had at the Flight Jacket Cafe. Kimberly arrived before him because he had been visiting a patient. And wait a second -- Taylor just snuck into the courtroom! Peter can't remember if Kimberly had ordered yet or not, but he thought she'd been drinking iced tea. At this point, Amanda sees Taylor with the eyes in the back of her head, and turns around to get a better look. She sneers the famous Amanda sneer, and begins plotting the tantrum she's going to throw later. Meanwhile, Peter is describing the waiter at the cafe as a blonde, and the lawyer points out that Arturo DiMarco -- the waiter who testified that he never saw Peter -- is a brunette. Okay, is it all really coming down to the waiter's hair color here? Do we want to mention the golf club? The window? Fingerprints? Motives? Anybody? Am I alone here? Then, stop the presses, Kimberly begins one of her now patented flashbacks. She remembers sitting at a table with Peter, and, yup -- you guessed it -- a BLONDE waiter. Kimberly stands up and says she can explain the waiter discrepancy -- because now she remembers everything. As the judge bangs her gavel and the other lawyer screams "objection" over and over until she loses her voice, Kimberly explains what happened: "There were two waiters. Peter was late and Arturo's shift had ended, so I closed out my bill for the tea so he could have his tip!" The judge tells Kimberly to sit down, but she's takin' a stroll down memory lane and nobody's getting in her way! "The second waiter was blonde, very good-looking, he might have even said he was an actor -- he was a lousy waiter." Well, let's all forget about the actual murder; at least we're getting the detailed scoop on this restaurant. Peter's lawyer asks for a recess to find the second waiter, but the prosecution says that Kimberly's outburst is inadmissible. The judge agrees, but allows Peter's side 24 hours to find this hypothetical blonde waiter. Looks like Peter's lawyer is going to have to start checking with theoretical physicists to see if they can prove the existence of parallel waiters. Let's all pile into the car and head over to Steven Hawking's house! I'll explain on the way!

Back at Melrose Place, Taylor is ordering an exhausted Kyle around, telling him where to put all of their boxes. He grunts and groans and asks why he's got to do all the work, and now we discover a disgusting new facet to Lip-Girl's personality: her baby voice. She coos, "'Cause oo wuv me!" which is a good enough explanation for her whipped husband who, after a kiss, continues moving the boxes. There's a knock on the door and it's Amanda, who barges in, demanding to know what Taylor was doing in court today. Amanda's convinced Taylor is after something, but Taylor denies it with a lame excuse about being there on business, so maybe SHE'S the blonde waiter they're looking for and she had a quick sex change in Boston over the summer. Amanda reminds her, "You're a tenant, not a friend," and storms out. Heck, Mandy, she's hardly even a tenant. Notarized the lease yet? Kyle also wants to know what Taylor was doing at Peter's hearing, so she jokes, "I was having a nooner with the judge," which apparently is some kind of coded sarcastic reference to an affair Kyle had, since he starts looking all hurt and pouty. I'm guessing here. Maybe he always looks hurt and pouty. I wouldn't know. "Why do I feel like I'm still being punished?" Kyle whines. I don't know, Kyle, maybe cause you're still married to this demon-woman. But Taylor's sorry she even brought up the whole mess, so she promises a clean slate as they drink beer and kiss. Anyone who wants to commit suicide at this point rather than face this storyline anymore has my complete sympathy. And remember, kids, the faster you dig, the faster you die.

And over at Alison's new place (which looks like a Knight's Inn without any signs), Matt, Billy and Jake are just hauling in the last of the boxes and I've gotta say: enough with the friggin' boxes! Billy says he's hungry, Matt says he's thirsty, and plans seem to be in the works for some post-moving chow at the snack machine down the hall or possibly elsewhere. Alison turns down an invitation saying she's tired, and Jake claims the same thing. So like a genius, he stands there right beside her waiting for Billy and Matt to leave. Not conspicuous at all. No way. Nobody suspects a thing. So Matt takes off, Billy reminds Alison to drop her keys off with Amanda the following evening at EXACTLY 6pm, and then asks Jake if he's coming home or what. Jake is headed for the door when Alison asks him to wait so she can give him her time card which she conveniently forgot to drop off at work today. She says it'll take her awhile to find it so Jake says he'll wait. But Billy says he'll wait too, because he's afraid to go out to bars late at night and wants Jake to hold his hand. With that plan down the drain, Alison says she'll drop off her time card in the morning. Billy and Jake leave, and Alison closes the door behind them and ponders which box she packed her batteries in.

Peter is in his jail cell having an intimate moment with the wall when his lawyer walks in to give him the latest news. He puts on a sad face for a minute, then lets loose that they found the second waiter. Don't toy with my emotions like that, lawyer boy. Turns out that the blonde waiter does indeed exist but was fired after only 2 days work which is why no one thought to look for him. But who cares because they found him and he remembered waiting on Peter on the night in question so now Peter can "go home to his bride". And for all that poor Dr. Burns has been through lately - kidnapping, electroshock therapy, attempted lobotomy, prison guard kickboxing - you'd think he'd be ecstatic to get out of there and go home. But he isn't and instead hangs his head between the cell bars while muttering, "That's it? They rip my life apart and then send me home...." and I think he's kinda sad because his jail buddies didn't throw him a Going Away party. What do you WANT, Peter? They're LETTING YOU GO. Y'know, here's your hat, don't bother to lock up, the whole nine yards. The lawyer offers to call Amanda to come get Peter and then offers to take him home himself, but Peter declines the offer and says he'd rather "walk awhile". The lawyer urges him, "Put this nightmare behind you and concentrate on your future with Amanda". And with that, Peter hangs his head even lower, probably because he knows "future" and "Amanda" don't belong in the same sentence.

Jane and Sydney are in the back room of Jane's boutique divvying up their $50,000 because, after all, hiding behind a curtain in a store is the safest place to do such financial transactions. Jane says that she owes the Mancini-Hart employees a 2-week severance pay and also must pay the payroll taxes that Richard screwed up, so her $30,000 is pretty much already spent. Oh, by the way, did we mention that Mancini-Hart is closed? It kinda snuck up on them while the two partners were out hunting each other in the woods for three days. Boy, if there's anyone I really feel sorry for on this show, it's those Mancini-Hart employees. Imagine trying to ask for references; first you have to stick a pin in your ex-boss to see if he's alive. Just imagine. Anyway, I understand that Jane and Richard were partners, but it isn't like he didn't leave behind any expensive material posessions - he did have a house and a car. Granted the Corvette may have a couple bullet holes in it now, but you could always bondo them out, right? So Jane and Sydney emerge from the back room, where Sam reminds Jane she hasn't yet received a paycheck. D'ohh! Jane starts in with the Mancini-Hart excuses, but Sam counters that she saw that "bag full of money". Hearing this, Sydney - who is busy shopping - chimes in, "Bags of cash just don't go as far as they used to, do they?" Jane offers to pay Sam's share of the rent for the next couple months and call it even, but for some reason, Sam just insists on actually getting paid. Kids these days. Just then, Sydney flings a few of Jane's ugly fashions in Sam's face and tells her, "I will take these... charge them to my account and have them delivered," and with an arrogant flair turns to leave. But before she goes, Jane asks her for a loan, which Sydney agrees to - at an interest rate of 8%, explaining that "blood only goes so far".

Matt's Doctor-Teacher-Woman flags down Michael in the hall of the hospital and asks for his help. She has reason to believe that one of the interns on her shift is abusing prescription drugs and I honestly don't know how she ever came to THAT conclusion. Michael doesn't understand how that involves him, although the beads of sweat forming on his face would signal otherwise. She tells Michael that the intern in question is Matt and asks Michael to talk to him since he knows him. Michael hesitates and tells her it's "not his area of expertise." So she uses the old "a Chief of Staff could handle it - isn't that what you want to be when you grow up?" line so Michael agrees. She finishes with, "if he's on drugs, I want him expelled. And if there's a doctor in this hospital providing him, I want him arrested." Well, o-KAY! Aren't WE a little judgemental these days? Just because there's an illegal drug cartel among the med students, that's no excuse to start pushing people around like you're the Roseanne of the medical world. Take a pill. Oh, I'm sorry -- that's what's getting us into trouble in the first place, isn't it?

And now it's time for the most confusing, jumbled scene ever to appear on Melrose Place, and that's saying quite a lot. I've watched this scene about twelve times so far and I still can't figure out what's going on half the time. Let's watch. We start with Alison cautiously walking into the Melrose Place courtyard and feigning surprise when half of LA jumps up and screams "SURPRISE!" at her. Then, out of nowhere, Matt runs and tacklehugs Alison, babbles something about music, and then runs across the courtyard and tacklehugs Amanda - and aren't amphetamines great? Looks like Matt could be Kimberly's next test case. Back to the party: Alison asks Billy something I myself was wondering - "WHO ARE ALL THESE PEOPLE?" I've never seen half of the people there, so I'm guessing they're the D&D extras since we haven't had a D&D scene yet this season. Billy points out Taylor and Kyle and then introduces Alison to them. Then we see Matt and Jake drinking beers, and Matt kind of pokes his beer at Jake for no apparent reason. Alison says all of two words to Kyle and Taylor before she excuses herself to go return her keys to Amanda. Amanda is worried because Peter was released from jail and still hasn't come home (um, doesn't he still own a HOUSE elsewhere?) but then - abbracadabra - Peter walks into the courtyard. Amanda goes to her husband, as does Taylor who just stands there staring at Peter like a teenager stares at a rock star. And come to think of it - he WAS a rock star once, wasn't he? While Amanda and Peter head upstairs, Alison stands at the bottom and stares off into space, obviously completely uninterested in talking to any of her guests. Meanwhile, Kyle picks up on Taylor's fascination with Peter and notes, "You acted like you knew him." Actually, she acted like he was her zombie slave master, but I guess it would be rude to say to your wife, "You acted like he was your zombie slave master." Taylor denies everything, so Kyle shrugs and says, "Let's go get a beer," which seems to be his answer for everything. But who really cares about all this nonsense because now we have comic relief walking into the courtyard - Sydney and Sam. Sam points to Billy and asks Syd, "Who's the dreamboat?" to which Sydney replies, "Oh...THAT? That's just Billy, but don't even bother with him - he's totally devoted to the guest of honor, Miss 12-Step." Sydney then introduces Sam to Billy by saying, "Billy, meet Samantha - Jane's new roommate. She thinks you're cute." Then Syd wanders off to cause more adorable mischief, leaving Billy and Sam to exchange awkward hellos. Elsewhere, Alison is already as bored of this party as I am of writing about it. She grabs a pen and scribbles a message on a napkin which she then sets down in front of Jake who is sitting at the makeshift bar. Jake looks down to see her message: "Meet me at my place in one hour!" Billy walks up to the bar just then, so Jake strategically places his beer bottle over the message - ooh Jake, you are a smooth one! Billy orders a beer from the resident speed-freak Matt who, in his hyperactive and wired state, manages to rearrange the bottles and napkins so Billy ends up with Alison's napkin. And no, it's not that our description is inadequate; it really IS that contrived. I think I saw this on a Three's Company rerun yesterday. He reads it, looks across the courtyard at Alison and gives her a very over-exaggerated wink as if to say, "I am the Bill-Stud and I won't let you down, baby". And when Andrew Shue recently described Billy as "back to being pathetic" he truly wasn't kidding.

Amanda and Peter are in her apartment and having some wine and looking out the window and it's obvious that Amanda is hoping for a romantic "first night together as husband and wife" but Peter's heart (or any other body part) just isn't in it. Amanda asks what she can do to help his hurting -- and I think we know what their little code means -- but Peter just wants to go take a shower. Amanda follows him, thinking perhaps she can be the soap, but she finds him sitting on the bed and brooding about all that's gone wrong with his life. He tells her, "I've got nothing left - they took everything" so Amanda replies with the expected, "You still have me" which we all know never means much as far as Amanda is concerned. He could burn the toast in the morning and she'd high-tail it outta there. Peter tells Amanda if she wants to leave him he'd be OK with it because he has "no practice and no money" so obviously he must just be unlovable. Amanda tells Peter that she loves him and not his practice or his money (shyeah, right) and that "the smartest thing I ever did was marry you". She continues, "You're stuck with me. For better or worse, TIL DEATH DO US PART" so now I'm thinking Peter should go hide all the knives. Peter tells Amanda, "I love you, too" and as some of the cheesiest music ever played on this show swells, the 2 newlyweds HUG! (They've obviously been taking pointers from Matt and his boyfriends.)

Billy walks into Alison's apartment where he finds music playing, candles burning, and a large bouquet of flowers. Taking a rose from the bouquet, he heads back to her bedroom where he finds Alison stretched across the bed lighting more candles. Billy tells Alison that she obviously wants to get back together but the startled Alison can only ask, "What are you doing here?" Billy tells her, "I got your note," and just then Jake swaggers in. The lightbulb over Billy's head goes on as he gets a clue and he asks, "the music and candles aren't for me, they're for Jake?" Alison says yes, they are. (Translation: Duh!) Billy sneers as only Billy can, then crosses the room, where he suavely punches Jake in the face. Boom! And it's the fight of the century, ladies and gentlemen. In this corner, the king of the sucker-punch, Billy "Glass Jaw" Campbell! And in this corner, weighing in at two billion and three pounds (or slightly less since the haircut), Jake "Power Punch" Hansen! Billy takes about twelve swings at Jake, which collectively move him backwards about one inch, and then Jake finishes it off with one decisive punch in Billy's gut. The winner and still champeen, Jake Hansen! Billy doubles over, then decides to leave before he embarrasses himself. As Billy slinks out, Jake lamely calls out, "Billy, c'mon, we're friends." And with friends like these, who needs punching bags? "Yeah, you're my friends," snarls Billy. "Go to Hell." Cut back to Jake and Alison with sad expressions, and at this point, it looks like they'll NEVER break in the new apartment.

--written by Danny, Jo and Stacie

Michael tells Matt, "You're hooked and you leave me no other choice but to report you" so Matt slams Michael against a wall (they do that a lot this season, don't they?) and threatens him. At a party, Billy toasts Jake and Alison "hoping their sex is still as good as when everyone knows about their secret affair". Hearing this, an angry Jane turns on Alison and Jake like a rabid dog. Looks like fun.