And just when you thought Billy was being cranky, wait till you see Kimberly, who's lying on her bed and staring off into space. Seems the medical board is reviewing her license -- no, really? After locking someone up under false pretenses and trying to give him a lobotomy? What fascists. Michael the horndog thinks that he can solve every problem by having sex with her, but she just asks him to hold her -- "They say that this kind of intimacy can be just as fulfilling as sex." "Oh, really?" says a confused Michael. "I never heard that."

So the next morning, all this crankiness has even affected sweet little Peter, who wakes up and acts like he fell out of the asshole tree and hit every branch on the way down. Kissing Amanda awake like he's a dog licking her face, he informs her that he's going to work to "reclaim the helm at Burns-Mancini." Yeah, go for it, Peter. Give 'em helm. Then he informs her that she should start packing, since he figured they should live at his place now that they're married. Amanda has this crazy idea that they should come to this decision mutually, but Peter has no time for this. "Meet me there tonight at eight," he announces. "We'll go over the particulars of merging furniture." He leaves, and Amanda raises her eyebrows like she's considering merging a chair with the side of his head.

And now back to the astonishingly successful relationship that Alison and Jake are currently enjoying! Seems he thinks they should "take a step back" and think about things some more. "There are a lot of other people involved," Jake says, as if they're both dating triplets. Romeo and Juliet never had all these problems. Alison realizes that Jake is trying to protect Jane for some reason which I've forgotten. "The only people that matter in this are you and me," she decides, as if this is some new kind of relationship that she's just invented. She rushes out to go patent it.

Peter breaks convention and shows up at work, finding that capable office manager Sydney hasn't done a darn thing while Peter's been away but take messages. She's got a stack of messages the size of, well, the phone book, and Peter snarls at her that she'd better return those calls. That's right, young lady, you just put them right back where you found them! Eager to end this conversation, Syd tells Peter that there's someone waiting in his office -- and yikes! It's Taylor! She won't leave us alone! Now, the rumor around town is that some people think Taylor is supposed to be Peter's ex-wife, back from the dead to haunt him. This is clearly ridiculous because of the following three hundred reasons: Number one, Peter's wife is dead. Number two, he's looking right at her and he doesn't recognize her. Number three, Peter was with his wife when she died. Numbers four through three hundred, keep repeating those first three reasons until you get a clue. Meanwhile, back in the world of reality, Taylor wants Peter to be her doctor because she's having problems eating with her impossibly bloated lips. No, sorry, we promised not to do the lip jokes. She's actually come because she says she has a heart murmur. "It's something I've had ever since I was a child, in Missouri. It's a family condition. My father had it too." I'm quoting this because she's giving us this real intense face like it's supposed to give us some kind of clue about what her deal is. I haven't figured it out yet, but if this has anything to do with Missouri, I'm not even going to bother paying attention. I'm a busy person; I don't have time in my life for Missouri-related storylines. Peter nods, "Why don't we make an appointment with the receptionist for a full physical, and then we'll take it from there." Wow, the receptionist is going to give me a full physical? What a novel idea. So Peter stands up and shakes her hand, and thus ends the shortest doctor's appointment ever. Taylor turns to leave and we can see a big zipper on her back, which means that tonight Taylor is being played by a short man wearing a Lisa Rinna costume.

Meanwhile, it's time for another turn on the Cranky Tilt-a-Whirl that is Melrose Place. Michael attacks Matt in the hospital hallway, telling him that he's in trouble and so are his "pill-popping friends." Matt brushes him off, of course, so Michael opens up and tells him that he took speed to get through med school too, until he realized that "the pills were in charge of it." Wow, this is getting to be like an ABC Afterschool Special. I may cry. Michael gives Matt a hit of Tough Love and tells him to get clean. Matt walks off down the hall, sweating and shuffling around and just generally looking worse than he ever has. Amanda didn't look this bad when she had cancer.

Well, that's more than enough of that storyline; now back to Peter. He meets Amanda outside his house, and he picks her up to carry her over the threshold. But as he opens the door, two small children run out, followed closely by their parents. "You have squatters!", Amanda cries, as Peter tries to figure out why these people were in his home. The Bradys are followed by a spooky realtor woman, who tells Peter that his house was sold "while you were in-car-cerated," lovingly enunciating that final word as if just mentioning his prison term gives her an excuse to personally seize all his assets and sell them to the Hogan family. "From what I understand, his office manager authorized the sale", she explains. Peter's head explodes. He starts ranting and raving about how impossible this is -- and he's right, but don't mind that -- while Amanda guides him back to his car and tells him they'll work it all out tomorrow. The bitch goddess pushes her lunatic husband into his car and slams the door. Meanwhile, no sign of where Melissa and Timmy got to -- maybe they ran out into traffic or something.

And now for a spot of masochism. Alison shows up at Billy's apartment, supposedly to explain that she didn't tell him about sleeping with Jake for his own good. Really, she just wants to get yelled at again. She's not disappointed. I'll make it quick for us; here's his best line: "The whole time we've known each other, I had no idea you were such a slut!" The scene really doesn't go anywhere after that, and Alison ends it in the predictable way, stalking out of the courtyard. On the way out, she passes Samantha, whose entire life seems to consist of walking around on the edges of Billy's problems. Alison passes her without a word, and Sam shrugs at Billy: "She must have taken the same rude pill you did the other night." And we know what that means, don't we, kids? It's another Melrose rule -- when a man and a woman meet each other and are appallingly rude to each other twice in a row, we know it'll lead to them falling in love within two episodes. If they're REALLY rude, it'll be one episode! Let's watch on.

And now, make way for the executioner! Sydney strolls into the Burns-Mancini office where she is ambushed by Peter and Amanda. "Did you really think I wouldn't notice a family of FOUR living in my HOUSE?" Peter asks, quietly. Sydney whines that she had to do something to pay Peter's legal bills, because, as we all know, when a boss is in prison, it's up to the secretary to pay the lawyer. She informs "Mr. Tax Dodger" that his house -- and all its contents -- were listed under the corporation, and being the "part-owner/Office Manager" that she is, Syd had the authority to "sell any and all assets necessary to keep the business afloat." Wait a minute, ALL the assets? Does that mean little Melissa and Timmy are currently playing with Peter's collection of sex toys? This could get real dark real fast. Syd pauses and smiles, obviously proud of her work. Amanda -- already looking the role of frumpy housewife -- tells Sydney, "Well, I guess this solves the dilemma about where we'll be living," and isn't that pretty obvious by now? Amanda and Peter will have to live in his car. No wait, that's not an option either, as Sydney then informs him that he also lost the lease on his BMW and has two days to return it. So now I guess they'll have to move in with Sydney, and why not -- everyone else has. Peter tells Sydney she's fired, but she reminds him of their deal that he can't fire her because she'll scream "sexual harassment" if he does, and when did this blackmail start? I'll have to re-read some of the old synopses, I guess. Peter explains that, after his recent jail visit on murder charges, "a sexual harassment suit would be a walk in the park." He then barks, "GET OUT!" so she grabs her green plastic Happy Meal lunchbox purse and hops out the door.

At Kyle's -- the non-beer drinker's answer to Shooters -- Taylor is sitting at the bar looking at blueprints when Kyle himself emerges from the kitchen wearing his chef uniform, even though it's obvious the place hasn't opened yet. Unbuttoning his jacket, horndog Kyle says, "The construction crew is on its lunch break... let's christen the place," and must he have sex in every building he's going to spend time in? Makes me wonder about his bank, his church and even his local McDonald's. But we all know how dogs need to mark their territory! Kyle quickly realizes that Taylor is crying and asks her why and it's probably because she realizes she gave up a really good gig on "Days Of Our Lives" for THIS. She tells him it's nothing, but when he notes she's "been moody since yesterday", she makes up some crap about how L.A. is not for them. "We shouldn't have come here... the people here are inaccessible..." she says, and then asks how he'd feel if they packed up and went home. Guilt Boy immediately gets defensive and asks if this is some kind of test where he has to say yes to prove he loves her and then drones on again about that "ONE MISTAKE" he made. And, honestly, how bad can this mistake be, Kyle? Did you blow up a building? Throw your brother off a construction scaffold? Hit a coworker over the head with a shovel and then bury him alive? Nothing you did could be that bad, Kyle -- after all, you came in during the "more grounded" season. Kyle tells Taylor that moving to L.A. was their way of "starting clean" and, as he picks lint off Taylor's shirt, he explains, "I'll be damned if I'm taking a step back from this place". Taylor maintains that she thinks moving west was a mistake so Kyle consoles her by sticking his tongue down her throat and bending her head backwards -- perhaps he's practicing a new CPR move he read about in Playboy.

"Dr. Shaw, we've called you here because of a report we've received made by a nurse formerly employed at a mental facility, Willow Bridge Institute," states the man in charge of Kimberly's review. Several people are seated around a large table in a private office where Kimberly -- along with her trusty sidekick, Michael -- is seated at one end. Mr. In- Charge continues that this nurse describes all the naughty things Kim did while she was in charge at Willow Bridge and because of that, they have no choice but to suspend her medical license for a whopping ninety days. Ouch! Kimberly calmly says that she's not surprised at their decision and, after all the terrible things that have happened during the past two years (namely the fact that "Brotherly Love" was cancelled as a result of airing at the same time as "Melrose Place") she is clearly not fit to practice medicine. (Medicine? Heck, she's not even fit to practice the piano.) "Effective immediately," she spouts, "I wish to surrender my medical license." This sends Michael into a panic, but Kimberly reassures him that "this is the right thing to do." So now I guess it's her turn to go get a job at Shooter's.

Sydney stops by "Jane's" for a visit, and has anyone else noticed that Jane is running out of names for her companies? What's the next one going to be called -- "Girl With Bad Haircut"? "Shovels 'R Us"? Ah, the possibilities. Jane thinks Sydney is there to demand payment on her loan, but Syd instead informs her big sister that she got fired. "Oh my God, you're kidding me," Jane says, with absolutely no surprise registering on her face. Sydney suggests coming to work for Jane, which Jane doesn't appear too thrilled about until Sydney offers to "waive the loan" in exchange for a partnership in the business. Jane -- who has NEVER had any luck with any business partnership she's ever been in -- thinks it's a great idea and accepts. She says, "It just gives me another opportunity to put the past behind me," apparently by making the same mistakes over and over again until she's forced to kill herself to stop the wretched cycle. Sam -- the only person who ever appears to be working here -- walks by, so Jane shares the news that Sydney will be joining them. Sam feigns happiness at hearing this, but before her forced smile completely fades, in walks Billy and this whole scene is so awkward that I feel like I'm watching a poorly-blocked dress rehearsal of a high school play. Billy (unconvincingly) cheers, "Nice store!" so Jane jumps on the opportunity to invite him to her grand opening party happening in two nights. After confirming that Jake and Alison will be there, Billy accepts the invitation and then walks across the store, on a beeline for Sam. Mr. Smooth tells Sam that he came there both to apologize and to ask her out to dinner the following evening, but Sam says she doesn't want to. "Why not?" he asks, stunned that someone might not want to date a man that has to replace his lock every time he comes home because he's too stupid to learn how to use a key. So Billy tries the Mr. Charm approach and explains that he's really not a bad guy and that he'd like to prove it to her, adding that he'd "like to hear her life story." Her life story takes a sudden turn for the tragic as Lonely Girl agrees to go out with him.

At a bar that ISN'T Shooters (and I thought they were going to be more realistic this season) Matt is socializing with his med school buddies, none of whom live anywhere near 4616. Amazing. Matt takes a swig of his beer and then announces that he's beat and leaves the table. His drug-pushing party animal pal quickly follows Matt and asks why he's "baggin' out". Matt tells him he simply doesn't have it in him to pull another all- nighter, but Drug Boy tells him, "sure you do". Matt quickly explains that he "almost got addicted" during mid-terms and, therefore, is trying to keep the drug intake to a minimum. But Drug Boy explains that what he has "isn't habit-forming... it's a one-time thing... a party favor," adding, "besides, there's someone I want to introduce you to at the club." With that he places a large orange capsule in Matt's hand. Oh God! Matt's freebasing Tang!

Oops, spoke too soon -- 'cause here we are at Shooters! Jane walks in and takes a seat at the bar where a very startled Jake stammers through a conversation with her. She invites him to her grand opening party, and he foolishly accepts. This show is quickly turning into "Bad Invitations and the Idiots Who Accept Them." With that, Jane hops off her barstool and leaves, passing Billy on her way out. So now it's Billy's turn to play Musical Barstools and time to watch "Awkward Conversation with Jake, Part 2". Sounds like fun! Jake tries to get Billy to talk about their situation, but Billy sneers, "Oh... how am I taking the fact that you're DOING Alison? It doesn't bother me." He then notes that he just saw Jane leaving and asks how she took the "happy news." Jake is quick to respond that she doesn't know yet, and would appreciate it if Billy didn't say anything to her about it. Billy tells Jake, "Well, you gotta be interested in something to want to talk about it -- I don't give a damn so you don't have anything to worry about!" Yeah, apparently that must be true, Billy, since you have such a rich and fascinating personal life these days. What a Zen master.

Oh no! It's a big monster truck and distorted camera angles -- I hope Jane is still on the roads. Matt is in his Bronco-looking vehicle swerving all over the place as he tries desperately to stay awake. He asks himself, "What was in that damn pill?" and I find it ironic that a guy who wants to be a DOCTOR took a drug without knowing anything more about it than the fact that it came from a guy who has the personality of cheese. Matt narrowly misses sideswiping another car and then we see the reason is that his face somehow got stuck to the steering wheel. Oh, I get it -- they want us to think he fell asleep at the wheel. My mistake; I thought Tang was an upper! Matt's car cuts across several lanes, drives over a curb and then neatly stops at a convenience store pay phone. Matt puts the car in park (no, really, he did), gets out, and dials 911 on the phone. Gasping for breath, he tells the dispatcher, "Help... Help... I c-can't... breathe..." Which is going to make it pretty difficult for him to tell them where to send the ambulance, so Matt's dead now, I guess. Another innocent life lost to Tang.

It's a beautiful morning in la-la land (a term which always takes on new meaning on Melrose Place) and we find ourselves in the Shaw/Mancini bedroom. Michael is just coming out of the bathroom, and he's being overly chipper this morning (no doubt to make up for the fact that Kimberly is now the most depressing person on earth). He's shocked to find out that she's awake and dressed in clothes that make her look like she's "...going to a job interview or something..." Mike tells her to put on her sweats and lounge or something -- after all, she's supposed to be taking a break. Yeah, right. I just lost my medical licence. I think I'll go Rollerblading. Michael dips into the closet for a jacket, lamenting that he has to go to work, and Kimberly gets herself all set to go with him. Michael reminds her that he's only going to work -- it's not like it's his first day of school or something (even if he does act like a six-year-old) -- to which Kimberly blithely replies that she'll be going along. Since Peter fired Syd, Kimberly will be the new secretary. Yes, that's right! The Wheel of Employment spins and spins, bringing us loads of yuks and grins. Then after she gets fired -- and she will, darling, she will -- then she can get a job at Shooter's and Alison can get fired at go work at Kyle's! And then Kyle can go work at D&D, and Billy can quit and go work at Jane's boutique! And we'll all just keep working for our friends because, folks, that's the way a market economy works. If it wasn't for nepotism, everyone on this show would be on welfare.

And now for some more tips on How To Be a Stalker, starring everyone's favorite bad penny, Taylor! Today Taylor's going to teach us how to attach yourself to two people like a leech and make sure they never have a moment's peace again. Amanda's on her way to work when Taylor catches her -- she must have been watching her through a telescope -- and makes a proposition: Taylor had heard through the grapevine that Amanda was the only advertiser in this parallel universe, so she and Kyle wanted to hire her to promote their restaurant/den of iniquity. I find this very interesting, seeing as I had kind of assumed that D & D had spontaneously combusted or something, which would account for its suspicious absence so far this season. Maybe they're just re- painting the set. Who knows. Being the brilliant businesswoman that she is, Amanda stops Taylor cold by informing her that there's no way she'd be interested in a Mom & Pop organization like her restaurant (hey, there's good business). Taylor weasels Amanda into coming to the restaurant for lunch, and Amanda reluctantly agrees, after declaring that for an entire hour of her time, the food had better be fantastic. Good news for stalkers everywhere: the rule this episode is that you just have to ask people twice and they'll agree to do anything you say! Sam's going out with Billy, Jake's going to Jane's party, and now Alison is taking her life in her hands by eating at Taylor's restaurant. Maybe this could work for anyone! Hey, Aaron Spelling! Put me in my own show! Aw, c'mon!

Over at the hospital, Matt is getting dressed to leave after his late night drugfest went bad. Michael laughs at him for having thought he was having a heart attack -- well, we all need our little jokes to get us through the day. Mike clues Matt in that he's turning into a junkie. "Oh, honey, cut the drama," Matt snaps, in a rare moment of gay flair. He doesn't have any more PCP, and he doesn't want any more (yeah, RIGHT). Michael is as pleased as an eight-year-old telling on his classmate, informing Matt that he's going to tell Dr. Schulman about this. Matt flips out, slamming Michael against the wall: "You think you're some kind of moral barometer? That's a joke. You do anything to damage my med-school standing and I'll nail your self-serving ass to the wall by telling Schulman that you sold me that perscription. Hell, I'll tell her that you sold me that PCP I took last night. So drop the threat, 'cause it doesn't mean squat to me. And as a matter of fact, neither do you." Uh-oh. Looks like Matt is headed up the creek. And what's this? He forgot his paddle. Michael tells Matt he's on his own, and I can already tell this is going to get really ugly. Of course, if we look on the bright side, Matt's finally got a storyline of his own.

It's lunchtime, and Amanda has arrived at "Kyle's" to subject herself to ruffled curtains, cheap furniture, bad food and big lips. The restaurant looks like a nasty combo of Denny's and the Olive Garden, and the scenery only gets worse once you notice that Taylor is squeezed into what looks like a beige sausage casing with sleeves. Kyle simpers his way out of the kitchen and seats Amanda at a table, telling her that the dish he's prepared will make it worth her while. And damned if he didn't say that he's cooked Pumpkin Enya Latte, which near as I can figure is pumpkin floating in coffee served by an adult contemporary singer. Taylor pours the wine (a delightful Chateau Cucumber Sting Java, no doubt), and Amanda begins with the meaningless patter, inquiring as to how the husband/wife business team thing works. Kyle's the chef, and what does Taylor do? "Everything else," she says, which apparently includes the stalking. Amanda asks if it was Taylor's decision to move to LA, and at the risk of being too personal, Taylor informs Amanda that both she and Kyle thought LA would be the best place to make a new start since (here it comes) HE HAD AN AFFAIR. I wonder why. Boy, this is a new one -- if everyone on Melrose moved to a different city when they had an affair, half the cast would be living in Europe. Taylor preaches a little bit about how marriage can take a licking and keep on ticking, and Amanda shows her usual tact by stating in a less than quiet voice that if her husband cheated on her he'd be out on his ass before you could say settlement. Taylor smiles. I don't know why.

From lunch to dinner, we're in a restaurant at LAX where Billy and Sam are out for an evening of guilt, tinged with a few ulterior motives. Sam is doing her best to look like a child, stuffing her face with bread and talking with her mouth full. Billy - who is sporting what appears to be a poodle perm for this grand event - ignores her disgusting table habits and asks her to tell him about herself. Sam groans over the appetizers and then launches into her life story. When Billy asked for this, he was really just trying to get her into bed, but darn it if the girl isn't taking him seriously, mouthing off for twenty minutes about her boring past. Finally she notices that Billy is sleeping face down in his Pumpkin Enya Latte. She asks him if he's okay, and he says he doesn't think he can do this, not because Sam's motormouth turned him off -- which it did, but that's not the point -- but because the last time he was at this restaurant was the night Alison stood him up and slept with Jake instead, and he thought that by coming here with someone wonderful (whatever) he could get over it. So Sam suggests they forget it (sounding more sorry than mad), and they leave, as she casts a very longing glance at the rest of the appetizers on the table.

Alison opens the door at her new place (that's 4616 Nowhere Street), to find Jane standing there. But don't worry, this isn't for a catfight -- Jane wants to check out her new place. She tells Alison she loves it with a huge fake grin, and leaps right into a heavy conversation about how she wants to rekindle the friendship that she personally stomped on and threw in the dumpster a few months ago. Jane invites Alison to the store grand opening, and gives her a huge hug, thanking her for being such a good friend "in spite of everything that's happened." Then, after that twenty-second reunion, Jane says she'd better get going, and Alison makes absolutely no move to persuade her to stay. They've just rebuilt their entire friendship and Alison hasn't even invited Jane to sit down yet. Jane hops along on her merry little way, and finds one of Jake's shirts lying around. Alison says he must have left it there while he was helping her move, and Jane says she'll return it to Jake for him. She walks out with it -- I guess she's planning to dust it for prints or something.

It's another pointless gathering of extras, and this time the occasion is Jane's grand opening party. Hello, extras! So nice to see you again. Jake enters and is instantly sniffed out by Jane, who greets him with a big hug. They walk over to the bar where, at the other end, Billy is busy drinking himself into oblivion. Alison then enters and walks directly over to Jane and Jake and I can already tell this scene is going to be as painful to recap as last week's surprise party scene was. Bear with me and I'll do my best. Alison and Jake exchange awkward hellos, which Jane picks up on. She then tells Alison that she was just about to invite Jake to a post-party dinner and invites Alison to join them, but Alison declines with the lame standby excuse of "I'm tired." Jake follows suit, explaining that he has to close Shooters. Well. What an astonishing coincidence. Before this pointlessness can continue, Sydney interrupts and tells Jane that there are some folks that want to talk about, of all things, DESIGN and asks that Jane go take care of them. Now in the hot seat, Sydney takes the opportunity to tell Jake and Alison about her latest business venture with Jane. When Alison remarks that she didn't realize Sydney and Jane had gotten so close, Sydney explains, "We've done a lot of bonding lately," and then asks, "I guess I could say the same thing about you two?" With that she walks away from the now-speechless Dynamic Duo.

Sam walks over to Billy and tells him she wasn't sure if she'd see him there and after their pathetic date, why should she even care? Billy tells her, "I had to come -- if nothing else, to give you this," and hands her a ticket to a sold-out Sting concert. He explains that he "cashed in a favor" because he felt he had to make up for the fact that he screwed up their dinner. When she notes that it's only one ticket, he tells her there's a catch -- she's "stuck with him" for the duration of the evening. Run, Sam, run!

Jane starts clanging on a glass so she can get everyone's attention and proceeds to make a little speech about how pathetic her life has been but how now, thanks to a partnership with her sister -- the same sister who, mind you, drugged and subsequently paralyzed Jane less than a year ago -- she's starting a new chapter of her life and thanks all her friends for "being there" for her. Billy then picks up where Jane left off and toasts "to Janey, who has great taste in clothing and lousy taste in friends." He quickly follows up with, "Here's to Jake and Alison, hoping that their sex is still good after everybody knows about their secret affair." The room suddenly fills with the sound of loud whispers and Billy's obnoxious cackling and it's almost too much for poor "Janey" to take. She walks over and confronts Jake and Alison, who instantly try to defend themselves, but it's no use. Jane snaps, "Get out of my store!", which is such a great line that I think I'm going to start using it every chance I get.

Sam, obviously disgusted with the entire lot of folks she's gotten herself involved with, turns to Billy and asks, "Are you an idiot or just plain cruel?" to which Billy's response should be "Yes." He pretends that what he did was normal human behavior, so she just returns the concert ticket. There's only so much that girl will put up with for a Sting ticket. She still has a shred of integrity.

Back at 4616, Amanda is giving a back massage to Peter, who is busy complaining about the size of their apartment. The conversation turns to "What Marriage Means To Me" so Amanda seizes the opportunity to let Peter know that things like abuse and infidelity will quickly usurp the "till death do us part" crap she was cooing just last week. Peter assures her that neither of those are applicable and then tells her "it's in poor taste to discuss a divorce before we've even been on our honeymoon," and I think I read the same thing in last month's issue of Modern Bride. But wait -- they can't go on a honeymoon because Peter is broke and spending Amanda's money is out of the question. Thankfully this redundant discussion is interrupted by a knock on the door and surprise, surprise, it's resident stalker Taylor! And she's brought a cake! Kyle made a cake for Amanda to thank her for coming over to play, and, y'know, any excuse to make Amanda and Peter's life a living hell... Before Amanda can say anything, Taylor waves and says, "nice to see you again" to Peter who is still laying half-naked on the sofa. "Thanks for the empty calories!" Amanda chirps, then slams the door in Taylor's face for the millionth time. Returning to the sofa, a perplexed Amanda sits down next to Peter and asks when he and Taylor became best buds. He explains that she's just a new patient of his, but the gears are already churning and Amanda blurts out, "Let's do something NORMAL!" No, Amanda -- anything but THAT! She continues that she wants to go on their honeymoon right now -- get in the car and start driving tonight... to anywhere. Yeah, real normal, dear. Try going to work once in a while.

Next we travel to what appears to be a gay bar, but it's so well lit and quiet that it looks more like a Gay Denny's. Matt is seated at the bar having another round of whatever it is he's drinking when a guy from across the room spots Matt and sits down next to him. He tells Matt that he "looks like he has a lot of energy" and it doesn't take long for Matt to realize the guy is trying to pick him up. But wait, there's a catch: "You're a hustler?" Matt asks, which the guy smoothly denies. And isn't this a wholesome little scene for the kids. Remind me -- this show IS on at eight o'clock, isn't it? Remember, we still can't see Matt kiss, but apparently we can watch him pick up a weird-looking hustler. After a long pause -- during which time Matt takes another sip of his drink and makes a lot of strange noises -- he tells the hustler, "What the hell, there's a first time for everything!" and the two head for Matt's Monster Road Ranger. Matt unlocks his car door and the hustler just opens his -- he must have a carjacking business on the side. Once inside, Matt asks how much "this sorta thing" costs and is told "50". So Matt giggles and pulls $50 out of his wallet while making a comment about "what a bargain" this is. He hands the money over and immediately after he does, Mr. Hustler flashes his badge and informs Matt that he's under arrest for solicitation of prostitution.

Jane goes to Alison's apartment to give her grief for sleeping with Jake, even though I distinctly remember a scene last season in which Jane TOLD Alison and Jake to sleep together. Alison explains that she and Jake didn't get together until after he and Jane had broken up and Jane counters by reminding Alison that she was raped and needed time to heal. Alison insists they did nothing wrong while Jane maintains that Alison stole the man Jane loves. "I love him -- and you have him -- and it's not fair!" Jane cries just before leaving. Jake conveniently emerges from the bathroom just then and asks Alison what's going on. Alison just glares at Jake like he's the plague and heads for the bedroom, so Jake follows.

From outside, Jane can hear Jake's voice so she goes to the bedroom window and sees Jake sitting on the bed with Alison consoling her. Upset, Jane quickly turns and unknowingly stumbles over an electrical cord that, although attached to nothing, is still plugged into the outside electrical socket. Coincidentally, the electrical cord is surrounded by several cans of flammable liquids and a pile of oily rags, so when Jane trips over the cord, sparks shoot out of the socket and ignite the whole pile into an instant bonfire. But Jane is clueless to any of this and doesn't see the fire until she's safely reached her car one story below where, instead of getting help, she just stands and watches the flames. And isn't that just the perfect revenge fantasy? You see your ex-lover sleeping with your best friend, so you light them on fire and watch them roast like hot dogs. You rock, Jane. Now get out of my store!

--written by Stacie, Danny and Jo

Jake and Alison battle the fire from within her apartment and hope that help will make it there on time; Jane tells Billy that they each miss Jake and Alison and suggests they do something about their pent-up emotions as she runs her hand up his thigh.