For some reason, Michael bails an untidy Matt out of jail and then tries to leave without talking the whole thing through. But Matt won't let him off so easy: "Michael, I got busted last night for picking up a hustler, and I was so stoned I don't even remember it. I have hit bottom. I need your help." No, dear, I'd say bottom is at least three more steps down from here. You haven't even gone to work at D&D yet! Michael finds himself in the unfortunate role of being Matt's new mom, and he doesn't seem thrilled about it.

When last seen, Alison and Jake looked perfectly able-bodied and healthy to me, but we now cut to Jane sitting in a waiting room at Wilshire. I guess they're being treated for secondhand smoke inhalation or something. Samantha and Sydney burst in to pick up Jane, and Sam is in full babble mode: "What a streak of bad luck you're having! Fires are SO dangerous. I took fire safety once and they said to check your nose hairs to see if they're singed, cause your lungs could be damaged." Sydney shoots Sam a what-planet-are-you-from glare, and quickly gets rid of her by dispatching her to go check on Jake and Alison. When Sam runs off to have her spaz attack in a different direction, Sydney grills Jane on whether she was responsible for this particular piece of "bad luck." Jane insists that it was an accident and asks Sydney to drive her back to her car. Syd does, mumbling, "Promise me this is not a getaway."

And now we see the tragic effects of Sydney's cruelty. She selfishly rid herself of Samantha by loosing her on some unsuspecting hospital worker, and now we have to watch a whole new annoying Sam scenario. As Sam tries to badger a nurse into spilling the Jake and Alison info, Billy shows up and banters with Sam about how drunk and rude he was at the party last night. He doesn't even know why he's here now -- and neither do we, Billy -- but he's here, so that must mean he still cares. Whether we do or not is another story.

Meanwhile, Jake and Alison are getting the results from their medical tests, and the diagnosis seems to be that they were in the middle of a fire. Jake is still rubbing his eyes, apparently unaware that the fire was put out hours ago. Alison starts whining about how she was barely moved in and now she's lost everything, as if losing everything after being moved in for two years would have been much less inconvenient. Now she has no possessions and no apartment -- essentially, she's a homeless person! It's Alison as we always dreamed she would end up. Alison starts wondering about Jane's part in the fire -- "I saw her anger! It was real!" But Jake has no time for such foolishness; he's full of downhome wisdom and tells her just to be happy that they're alive. And really, telling Alison not to complain is like telling the ocean to make up its mind and stop all that annoying washing-in-and-out stuff, but she manages to shut her yap long enough for him to shuttle her out of the hospital room and into the hallway, where Billy watches them walk out arm in arm, and there's so much emotion in his face that a passing doctor tags him as Dead on Arrival.

And while we're speaking ill of the dead, let's check in on Kimberly's career. At the Burns- Mancini office, Michael harshes on new secretary Kimberly, who doesn't know how to file patient charts but seems unable to take responsibility for her filing failures. Michael makes a crack about her failing in the wife department as well, and she moans, "Michael, I do want to have sex with you. I'm just afraid it'll open up a can of worms." Which is unpleasant and explains absolutely nothing. Anyone remember what this storyline is all about? Meanwhile, Michael complains about Peter being gone, and Kimberly announces the name of Peter's hotel in Santa Barbara as the irrepressible Taylor McBride saunters in. Remember that moment, kids, it's a plotpoint. The ever-enchanting Taylor verifies that Peter's in Santa Barbara, and horndog Mancini asks if he can help, eyes zeroing in on her ample bosom. Taylor saucily says she can wait for Peter to come back before making a graceful and well-appreciated exit. Kimberly, reading her husband up and down like a thermometer, advises Michael to watch his bedside manner.

Meanwhile, on "Santa Barbara" -- I'm sorry, I mean IN Santa Barbara -- two white people wearing white clothes toss themselves down on a white bed in a white hotel suite. My God, either this show is about chameleons or I've gone blind. But the smooching noises seem to belong to Amanda and Peter, so I'm sure they're in there somewhere. Room service arrives, and the waiter asks "Ms. Woodward" for a signature. Saucily exposing a nipple to room-service boy, Peter states that she's not "Ms. Woodward," she's "Mrs. Burns." This goes on for several minutes and ends with more groping.

And hey, look, D&D still exists! Billy walks into work for the first time this season, and a fuzzy-haired receptionist hands him a message from Ms. Woodward. Um, excuse me, it's Mrs. BURNS now, we just spent a whole scene establishing that. Amanda's note tells Billy that she's on her honeymoon, and asks him to cover for her. Then Billy wanders into an open office and finds the mysterious Arthur Field, accompanied by a Baywatch lifeguard. For those of you who haven't been keeping score, it was pretty well established for a couple of seasons that Amanda was the president and unquestioned big kahuna of D&D Advertising, until all of a sudden in the middle of last season, this guy Field shows up and starts throwing his weight around. Apparently he's the head of the Board of Directors and Amanda's boss, and he was just beamed down from his spaceship to join us here on Earth. The Baywatch boy is his son Craig. Get used to him. He'll be around for a little while. Field asks for Amanda, and Billy lies that she's out with a client. Craig sneers as Field orders Billy to find Craig a desk -- he'll be working there now. "I don't expect to be treated any differently just because I'm the boss' son," Craig announces with a smirk, "but I do like cream in my coffee."

Okay, and is it too much to ask to have some new characters come in who I can watch without vomiting? Just when I'd gotten over that entry, now I'm forced to watch another Taylor and Kyle scene. Kyle is slaving over a hot stove working on the food for the new restaurant, but Taylor has a big idea -- and guess what it is! That's right! She wants them to go to Santa Barbara! Apparently she and Peter don't spend enough quality time together, so she wants to follow him everywhere he goes. At this rate she'll be following him to the bathroom by Thursday. And by the way, can we get this plot moving in any direction? It's been five episodes so far, and there's really only so far we can go with this stalking storyline. Kyle thinks they need to work more on the restaurant before they go anywhere -- and there's a newsflash! "Kyle thinks!" But Taylor just makes another nasty crack about his infidelity, and we know how it goes from there. He gets pissy, she gets pissy, they kiss, he agrees to anything she wants. This is the point at which you start wondering if Melrose is now being written by a computer program.

And apparently it's a computer that's plotting to take over the Earth, for how else can we interpret the mind-twisting storyline that pits Samantha against Sydney for Jane's affection? Syd and Jane are out on the patio having some girltalk when Sam comes out with a big ol' bowl of chips and salsa for them. Then she starts chirping about an idea for a new window display for the boutique, which Sydney instantly badmouths but Jane thinks is swell. Score one for Samantha's team! Then Jake and Alison walk by, and Alison insincerely "thanks" Jane for saving them from the fire. Then Jane insincerely apologizes, and tells them that she feels just great about Jake and Alison dating, and Jake just thinks that's awful nice of her, and they head off to bed in Jake's apartment, and Jane happens to notice that they're living together now, and Alison explains that it's just because of the fire, and Jane seems really, really fine about it. And Jane is such a good friend that she offers Alison some clothes from the shop if she needs 'em, and Alison says thanks, and good night, and everyone's just so gosh-darn pleased with everything that it looks like the three of them will never have another problem for as long as they live. Isn't life peachy?

At the Hathaway Rehabilitation Center, Matt is begrudgingly filling out the admitting paperwork, all the while insisting to Michael that he is not an addict. Michael - who has suddenly become Mr. 12 Step - informs Matt that he's in denial and that this was part of their "deal" although I myself don't recall seeing Monty Hall lately. Matt uncharacteristically whines about how he used to work with "these kind of people" during his social worker days and wonders aloud what "people will think" about this rehab stint. He insists that his medical career will be over but Michael counters that his own career will be over if Matt doesn't "stick with the program".

In lovely Santa Barbara, Peter is sitting at a patio table having a hot and heavy conversation about GOLF with none other than Taylor and Kyle when a visibly annoyed Amanda joins the fun. Taylor picks up on the sudden chill and tells Amanda she hopes she and Kyle didn't intrude and someone needs to give this chick a clue biscuit and what is it with this show and unsuccessful honeymoons anyway. Amanda assures Taylor they did intrude and waltzes off with Peter to do "secret newlywed stuff".

Craig - the latest greasy (a la Patrick Muldoon) addition to D & D - walks into Billy's office which, ironically, says only "Billy Campbell" on the door. You'd think it would have his full name and maybe even a title, but with an office that changes ownership every 3 months (Alison, Brooke, back to Alison, then to Billy) they probably got tired of having to re-paint the door. Anyway, Craig does a bad job of schmoozing as he tries to pump Billy for information on "office politics" and more to the point - Billy's fling with Amanda last season followed soon thereafter by Billy's career demise. An annoyed Billy refuses to divulge any information and instead reminds Craig "we aren't buddies".

Jane and Sydney walk into the boutique where Sam is busy wrapping mannequins in red tablecloths for her big window display. Sydney is urging her sister to get over Jake but - surprise surprise - Jane says she's already forgotten him and, in fact, has invited Billy over for that evening. She then asks her roommate to "make herself scarce" that night which makes Sam notably uncomfortable. Sydney - who has no more use for Billy than a decent hairdresser - picks up on Sam's tension and suggests that Jane is "cramping Sam's style". But Sam is quick to defend herself and explains that she just doesn't want to do the sorority girl "tie on the door" routine, but also adds that Billy is immature so that's our clue that she's really jealous, despite the fact that she and Billy have never successfully completed a date. The Billy Segment now complete, Sydney walks over to Sam's window-in-progress and inquires about a painting sitting in the corner. Sam proudly informs Syd that she painted it herself, so Syd wastes no time verbally trashing it. Sam asks Jane's opinion and is told to leave it in the window.

Back in Santa Barbara, Peter is on the phone with Kyle excitedly talking about - yes, you guessed it... GOLF - but explains that they should wait until they all get back to LA since, after all, he's on his HONEYMOON! Once off the phone, Peter is subject to Amanda's annoyance as she suggests the McBride's butt out of their life. Peter asks what's going on between her and Taylor and Amanda asks Peter the same question and this merry-go-round is making me nauseous. Amanda suggests Peter take his new wife golfing (as opposed to Kyle), despite the fact she's never touched a golf club in her life. The phone rings and it's Billy rambling from his car phone about the new guy Craig and how Billy doesn't trust him and is this really an emergency? Amanda obviously thinks so as she tells him to keep her posted.

It's night, it's dark, it's D & D After Dark - oh no wait, that's 90210. Craig walks into Billy's unlocked office and starts poking around in drawers until he discovers Amanda's letter to Billy informing him of her sudden honeymoon. He reads it aloud - just in case any of us missed its contents the first time - and after saying the word "emergencies" suggests aloud, "That would be me".

With perfect Melrose timing, Billy shows up at Jane's just as Sam is being a good girl and doing what she was told and leaving, but not before getting a few jabs in about Billy's "date". Billy naturally denies it and is so convincing that he manages to secure yet another date with Sam. Once inside, Jane seats Billy on the sofa and proceeds to pour him a Big Gulp glass of wine. She tells him, "I miss Jake, you miss Alison" and then makes a pass at Billy while muttering nonsense about how they can help each other through their pain. Surprisingly, Billy sees through Jane's manipulative attempts and calls her on it. Jane is surprised and tries to convince Billy by using lines like "they're running like pigs behind your back!" Billy maintains that it's a bad idea and encourages Jane to "get over it" as he makes his exit. Jane closes the door and watches him through the blinds as he returns to his apartment which is also conveniently the precise moment Jake and Alison decide to come home.

Once inside their apartment, Jake and Alison kiss their way into the bedroom since Jake is incapable of having a relationship that requires anything but sex. Just as they get to the bed, the phone rings and, despite Jake's protests, Alison answers it because "it could be Shooters!" But whoever called isn't saying anything, and then we see Jane silently holding her phone, deciding whether she should breathe heavily in Alison's ear or abruptly hang up. Thankfully, she chooses the latter.

Peter is teaching Amanda how to play golf when her cellular phone starts ringing. Despite all this talk about honeymoon vs. work, Amanda answers it and probably instantly regrets it as her goon boss Arthur Field is on the other end. He first gives her grief about her honeymoon and then orders her to return to work that afternoon so she can fire Billy. She tells him she'll try to "rework her schedule" but after hanging up informs Peter that she's not going back to LA until she's ready because, after all, "the honeymoon's not over until I says so!"

At the beach house, Kimberly finishes a phone conversation with her therapist and then turns to Michael to spew a bunch of psychobabble he's obviously not interested in about how she can conquer her intimacy issues through non-sexual techniques. To keep his attention, she starts to unbutton and remove her blouse and then lays on the floor so they can swap back massages. Michael kneels down and half-heartedly starts rubbing her back which brings annoyingly loud moans of pleasure from Kimberly. Luckily, it doesn't last long. Michael's discomfort quickly surfaces so he makes some lame excuse and leaves to go running.

Back at Alison's alma mater - rehab - Matt is frantically thumbing through a magazine and it's obvious he hasn't had his daily dose of Thorazine. At that moment, in walks Mr. BJ and the Bear himself - Greg Evigan - and I must say that man just gets better looking every time I see him. He strikes up a conversation with Matt first by inviting him to play stupid games like shuffleboard and then by stating the fact that Matt isn't going to his therapy sessions. Mr. Denial just hisses back at him that it's none of his business so Greg informs him that he's the doctor who owns the "joint" (drug reference) as well as a former addict. And, as one who has been in 12-step programs for several years, I gotta wonder about the credentials of someone who "WAS" an addict. Then again, on a show where bombers become psychiatrists, anything is possible. Back to the show... Matt informs Dr. Hathaway that he's leaving tomorrow as he's practicing the 2-day miracle cure known as "willpower". Dr. H. continues his attempts to "reach" Matt with his recovery lingo but doesn't make a connection until he says, "You remind me of me". Deep.

And then it's off to Kyle's - the restaurant where the lights are always on, the kitchen is always cooking, and the front door is wide open, despite the fact that it still HASN'T OPENED YET. Sydney walks in and starts calling out to thin air that she wants some takeout. Kyle emerges from the kitchen in that same unnecessary chef's jacket to inform Syd that his restaurant isn't open yet. He does, however, violate several safety and health codes and invites her to come back to the kitchen where they proceed to make goo-goo eyes at each other while Sydney taste-tests the food. Kyle practically shoves a spoonful of sauce into her mouth and in the process manages to dribble some of it on the front of her suit. Always the gentleman, Kyle immediately grabs a towel and starts cleaning her up while Sydney stands there giggling and blushing like a schoolgirl. This part of this scene extends for a few extra seconds as if to drive home the point that, finally, Kyle may actually have a storyline of his own. When Sydney mentions that she "owns" the boutique, Kyle remarks that he likes the painting in the window and would like to get some similiar pieces for his restaurant. Sydney boasts that she "represents" the artist and then tells Kyle she can "get him a deal" and that's pretty much where this scene ends.

At D & D, Craig and his father are in Amanda's office (sans Amanda) having a sexist conversation about women and business and their plans to overthrow Amanda. Billy - again with his Melrose timing - wanders past her office at the same time and manages to overhear most of this conversation. Mr. Field continues his rant by informing his son that he'll "find someone else" but Craig assures Daddy, "I'll do it".

Amanda is in the D & D garage when a big limo carrying a big asshole pulls up. The back window rolls down and sure enough - Mr. Field tells Amanda to get in. He proceeds to chastise her for being a day late and then gives her grief for not firing Billy as instructed and she hasn't even had her first cup of coffee yet and she's being subjected to all this. Sheesh. Mr. Unhappy threatens to fire Amanda as well so she threatens sexual harassment and then he threatens insubordination and it's all happening so fast I'm getting dizzy. They settle on an agreement: Amanda demotes Billy and gives his best accounts to Craig and in turn, Amanda gets to keep her job.

Michael is running on the beach which is surprisingly filled with people when a cute blonde jogs past him. He catches up with her and introduces himself but before he can get her name, she runs off. He calls out to her, "And you are?" and instead of yelling back "Out of your league!" she just keeps jogging, but confirms that she "runs here every day".

And then it's back to D & D - a location that is obviously getting overexposed this episode to make up for its absence so far this season. Craig stops Amanda in the hallway and tries schmoozing her but she's not buying it and walks off. Craig follows her to her office and asks if they can "start over" and near as I can tell, they've only known each other a total of 20 seconds. Amanda, however, accepts his offer and tells him to go order lunch for the noon meeting. He exits, Billy enters and Amanda closes the door. Billy is ready to tell Amanda his "news" but Amanda gets right to the point of demoting him and informs him that his office and his top 3 accounts have been given to Craig. When Billy objects, she tells him it's a "probationary period", noting his recent failures. When Billy threatens to quit, Amanda goes soft and urges him to stick it out. She then asks about his news but he tells her it's nothing and sullenly walks out.

Peeping Jane is back at it and this time she's outside Jake's bedroom window watching Jake and Alison in bed. Moments later, a brick goes through the window and almost immediately Jake and Alison start the Jane vs. Billy debate. Alison is positive that Jane is responsible for this drive-by bricking and marches over to her apartment to confront her on it with Jake scampering right behind. Jane answers her door wrapped in a towel and informs them that she was just about to take a shower, but plants a seed of doubt by telling them that she just saw Billy run by. Jake storms off with Alison now chasing him while Jane, now safe behind her closed door, drops her towel to reveal her street clothes underneath.

Samantha and Billy are trying their hand at this dinner date thing once again, only this time things seem to be going more smoothly. They both agree that it's harder to make friends in LA and Billy makes some comment about losing them. So Sam enlightens us all with her philosophy about how our lives are measured in phases by the friends we kept at the time. Billy informs her that he got demoted and Sam offers to listen, stating, "maybe this is the beginning of my Billy phase."

Jake is outside his apartment sitting and waiting for Billy when he and Sam come home. Jake promptly grabs Billy and slams him against the door while he demands to know where he's been. Billy tells him about his date, which Sam confirms, but Jake still believes Billy is a bricker and tells him to stay away from he and Alison. Billy and Sam are understandably confused and walk off. And guess who witnesses this entire scene from behind her window blinds - if you guessed Jane the Dirt Girl, you are correct.

--written by Stacie and Danny

Jake catches Jane stalking he and Alison; Amanda accuses Taylor of fawning over Peter; Michael and the blonde jogger tear each others' clothes off as Michael informs her he's married.

COMING IN NOVEMBER: Taylor reveals her shocking true identity to Peter; Kimberly gets the surprise of her life; Jane discovers her secret past