The following morning, Michael and Megan are in bed giggling about the fact that Michael inadvertently spent the WHOLE night. They giggle about the lies Michael will tell his wife and with all this giggling I'm suddenly having flashbacks from the first season. A beeper goes off but much to Michael's surprise it's Megan's and not his own. She immediately jumps up and tells Michael she has to go. As she runs around the house getting dressed, he chases after her trying to guess why she has a beeper and what kind of job she has and why she has to run through every room of the house before leaving. Megan still refuses to tell him anything and gets annoyed when Michael points out that she can't really live there since all the drawers, cabinets and even the refrigerator are empty. Give it a rest already, Michael - if she were half as interested in you as you are in her, you'd dump her in a heartbeat. In a beautifully sarcastic tone Megan tells him, "Shame on you, Michael - now you've gone and pissed me off" and heads down the stairs for the garage. Michael continues the chase and shouts out ludicrous things about how "they connect" and he "can't stop thinking about her" and - this is my favorite - HONESTY! Megan gets in her car and tells him "goodbye" before driving off. Michael memorizes her license plate number vowing to himself to find out "who she really is".

Alison is bitching about Jake to, of all people, Billy, who is en route to the dumpster. Like me, he finds this odd and tells Alison he doesn't want to get involved. He does, however, promise to tell the police that Jane is psycho should they ever decide to question him. You know, in case they should just decide to stop by or something. Billy continues on to the dumpster where he finds Sam crawling around the ground looking for food. No, actually her trash bag broke. As Billy gallantly offers to help, he tells Sam that she was right about him not being ready to date and they decide to "be friends".

As Billy and Sam leave the courtyard, they pass Taylor who is wearing her "Barbie 'n Me" pink bikini for her morning swim. From above in his apartment, Peter sees Taylor swimming and shows no emotion about it as he snaps into the telephone that he needs extensions on his loans. Amanda emerges from the bedroom all ready for her trip and immediately starts telling Peter all the apartment-related errands he has to do while she's gone. They've been married less than 3 months and already she's a nag. She then tells Peter their joint-account credit cards arrived and presents Peter with his. Peter starts in again on the money thing but Amanda assures them that whatever they have is "our money". She kisses him goodbye and leaves, passing Taylor on the way out. Taylor stares at Peter and Peter stares at Taylor and when will this madness end?

At the hospital, Dr. Stein is telling Kimberly the results of her recent tests. As he shows her pictures from her MRI, he explains that the 5 centimeter mass behind her right eye is a malignant tumor and that, because of the "extent of infiltration", surgery is not an option. He tells her she's got "3 months, tops" to live and suggests she "get her affairs in order". Dr. Stein then offers to tell Michael but Kimberly tells him she'll tell him herself. She just needs some time.

Emerging from the doctor's office, a zombie-like Kimberly starts walking down the hall but is soon chased down by Michael himself. He instantly bombards her with his well-rehearsed lies about his whereabouts the previous evening, but Kim obviously could care less at the moment. She tells him it's OK and then excuses herself. Before Michael has a chance to react, he's accosted by an overly-excited Matt with his new best bud Dan in tow. He introduces Michael to Dr. Hathaway, whom he credits for his recent good midterm grades. Dan immediately excuses himself and Matt. In a private corner, Dan tells Matt he doesn't need credit for Matt's accomplishments. He then gives Matt the name of a new therapist but Matt is more interested in when he can see his former therapist socially. "Soon - very soon", Dan replies.

At Dumb & Dumber, Craig is in Amanda's office showing her his brand new airline ticket "with a seat next to Amanda's!" Seems he's decided to go along with Amanda on this trip to "help" and afterwards they can rent a car and go driving down the coast and even Billy's cheesy seduction tricks were better than this. Amanda turns him down, rips up his ticket and gives him grief for being the lowlife he is - pretty much the same speech she's been using on lowlifes for years. There's a knock on the door and in walks Billy with a storyboard for Amanda, so Amanda takes the opportunity to spew on both of them. She orders them to do a big project during the 2 days she's gone and tells them "no excuses" before waltzing out the door. Billy is virtually unfazed by this, probably because he's been through it so often and cooly turns to Craig and asks, "Well - 2 days to do 3 weeks of work - what did you do to piss her off?" Naturally, Daddy's Boy has no clue.

Kimberly is sitting on the back porch of the beach house lost in thought and pondering what ever happened to her couch when an anxious Michael comes home and finds her. Idiot Boy thinks Kimberly is acting weird because he didn't come home the night before and once again starts in on his story because he's too stupid to know his redundance only shows his GUILT. Kimberly reassures him, "I'm not doubting your story, Michael" and then adds "unless you'd like me to" which makes Michael even more paranoid than before. He urgently insists it's "not a story" and now I'm hoping Kimberly will revert to her "No Victim Camp" days and kick his head in. Instead, she snaps, "I don't care, Michael!" and runs and locks herself in the bedroom. Michael chases after her (seems he's been doing a lot of chasing after women this episode) and tells her from outside the door that he "can't take much more". Much more than what? If split personalities, bombs, attempted murders, gay bashing, sofa fires and unnecessary lobotomies aren't enough, Michael, then you're in it for the long haul. Inside the bedroom Kimberly mumbles to herself, "Only 3 more months, Michael".

Craig knocks on the door of Samantha's apartment and asks her where Billy lives explaining that "Billy works for me". He does? Craig decides to try his miserable pick-up techniques on Sam and asks her to go to a concert with him, but Sam is hesitant. "How do I know you really work with Billy and aren't some kook?", she asks. Billy - again with his perfect Melrose timing - opens his own front door then and shouts out to Craig. Sam and Craig continue to chit-chat a little more which prompts Billy to shout, "What's goin' on over there?" Sam still hasn't committed to this date so Craig hands her one of his business cards and tells her to call him at the office tomorrow. He then heads over to Billy's and makes a dumb comment about how the building has "lots of charm". Good thing Billy is too stupid to pick up on reality.

Kimberly is in an empty church asking God why he chose her and, aside from the fact that she's wearing what appears to be her mother's old prom gown, there is absolutely nothing funny about this scene. A priest enters and offers his assistance to Kimberly who snaps, "I need a second chance - can you give me that, Father?!" She tells him of her tumor and wonders aloud if it's a punishment for all the mistakes she's made since signing her Melrose Place contract. The priest reminds her that God is forgiving and urges her not to give up hope. "God is alot more powerful than doctors", he tells her and if a miracle doesn't cure this woman and Marcia Cross actually leaves the show, she better damn well get nominated for an Emmy. Hell, nominate her anyway.

Jake marches into Jane's store, pulls Jane aside and tells her they need to talk, despite the fact that he's currently violating the restraining order she has against him. He tells her he "just wants a chance" and tells her he'll be at a particular restaurant the following evening. "Be there or not - it's your choice", he snaps before walking out.

Michael is outside Megan's REAL house where Megan herself is inside playing a grand piano amidst a bunch of candles, obviously practicing for an upcoming MTV video special. Michael knocks on the door and, at first, Megan and her ugly halter top are reluctant to let him in but she quickly gives in. Michael tells her how he thinks about her all the time and knows he should walk away but he can't because, as he says, "I have less control over my emotions than I should have." No, you have less control over your sex drive, doofus. Megan tells Michael that he's attracted to the mystery, not her, and now that the mystery is solved, the attraction is over. This is probably the smartest thing anyone has ever said on this show, which means she'll be gone soon. Can't have people spewing healthy nonsense on a show as dysfunctional as this. She explains that their affair was "an experiment... casual sex to the extreme" but that it got "too intimate". Michael finally concedes and tells her he'll leave her alone forever. But before he gets out the door, Megan changes her mind, stops him and they kiss.

Kyle is working in his restaurant kitchen when Sydney, who has no business being in any kitchen whatsoever, cruises in for a visit. When she asks where Taylor is this evening, Kyle explains she's "under the weather" and notes she's been acting strange since they moved to LA. This prompts Sydney to spout some nonsense about good marriages which she knows absolutely nothing about considering the one wedding she experienced was accomplished using blackmail. Kyle tells Syd about his affair - "a brief fling with a waitress" - to illustrate just what a loving and forgiving wife his Taylor is. Sydney is shocked at this news and dispenses these words of wisdom: "Temptation is a tough thing. It's like dandruff - you can't always see it but it's always there." Kyle laughs and tells her to get an apron because "they have work to do".

Taylor, who is now sporting a pink disco outfit obviously stolen from the wardrobe of Tori Spelling, stops by Peter's with a plate of food because she knew he was "baching" it for the night. In addition to dinner, she also brought Peter and Beth's wedding album. As Peter looks through the pictures, the phone rings and it's Amanda calling from Portland to ask if Peter is naked. Despite the fact that he isn't, Amanda is and she wants to have phone sex. No, really. As Peter tries to talk sexy, Taylor leaves and for a minute it looks like the girl grew a conscience. But, alas, it is not to be - she just went outside to ring the doorbell and impersonate a pizza delivery man so Peter could get off the phone. Peter hangs up and is instantly outraged at the fact he just lied to his wife. Taylor tells him, "I've made a mess of everything and that's the last thing I wanted to do", grabs the photo album and leaves. From outside, it's evident by her big-lipped grin that her last line was a lie.

Two-second scene: Michael is in his car driving by Megan's house at precisely the same moment Megan is in her car pulling out. As he starts to follow her, Michael mutters, "Let's solve the rest of that mystery".

Peter is in a mall jewelry store looking at diamond rings when none other than Taylor strides in exclaiming, "What a coincidence!" She proceeds to make Peter even more uncomfortable by mentioning the ring Peter bought Beth and how her father reacted. Looking down at the display of rings, Taylor picks up the largest rock available - 3 1/2 carats - and slips it on her finger, showing Peter how beautiful and frightfully huge it is. Peter tells the jeweler he needs some time and leaves. Once outside the store, he nicely but firmly suggests Taylor butt out out of his life and Taylor is all too willing to comply. She tells Peter, "I understand... you never get your second wife a nicer ring than your first" and walks off to go play in traffic.

Michael is still following Megan who is now at some fancy hotel. She enters a room where a man who insists she's an hour late starts beating her up. Michael hears Megan's screams, bursts into the room, and punches the guy in the face. Twice. Megan pushes Michael out of the room and follows behind him. As they walk away from the hotel, Megan angrily informs Michael that she's a prostitute and isn't it amazing how far down this girl has slipped since her first association with Michael only last week. "I get abused for a living - welcome to my world!", Megan snaps. Michael wants to know if their affair (notice I hesitate using the word "relationship") was along the same lines, but Megan insists it was different. "With you", she explains, "it was sex for pleasure, not money". Having recited more lines in this scene than she has in the whole show so far, she urges Michael to leave and he does.

In the hospital lounge Matt is chowing down on some lunch when Dr. Dan comes in. He tells Matt how proud he is of all he's accomplished, especially with his "positive attitude". Excuse me? Positive attitude? I suggest Dan read some back synopses and catch up on Matt's behavior this season. They talk about what makes a healthy relationship with the scene ending with Matt tenderly touching Dan's face and what I want to know is WHEN IS THE KISS???

Craig is walking Sam home from their big date and Sam is telling him what a great time she had and how "normal" Craig is. Normal? At first this startled me but when you consider she's comparing him to stalkers, killers and screaming dirt girls, it kinda makes sense. Craig tries to kiss Sam goodnight, but she resists and instead thanks him before escaping into her apartment. Craig then crosses the courtyard to Billy's apartment where he hands Billy a souvenier t-shirt to make up for being the slack-ass he is. Once inside, Craig sees that all the work they had to do has been done by Billy who makes it known that Craig will receive no credit for it. Craig makes a crack about Billy being jealous about Sam but willingly leaves.

Jane shows up at the restaurant just in time to see Jake walking out. She apologizes for being so late and explains that she was having a fashion crisis deciding what she should wear. Instead of going back into the restaurant, they decide to take a walk, and it's quickly obvious that Jane thinks Jake wants to get back together. Jake tells her he doesn't love her anymore and that he's in love with Alison, but Jane insists him he's wrong. Jake tells her it's never going to happen but Jane yells, "It has to happen! Stop lying!" She turns to run away but Jake grabs her arm and suddenly Jane slithers to the ground as she cries, "You ruined my life! You raped me, Richard!" Despite her blood-curtling screams of "I WANT YOU DEAD! I WANT YOU DEAD!" no one comes rushing to her rescue except, of course, Jake who holds her and reminds her that Richard is dead.

It's morning at the Mancini household and Michael is in an uncharacteristic rush to get to work. Kimberly wants him to slow down because she has something she has to tell him and starts stammering as Michael impatiently waits. She finally tells him that she thinks she's "better" as she wraps her arms around his neck and for the first time in his life, Michael turns down sex. Alert the media. Kimberly tries to persuade him to go into work a little late but Michael tells her he "can't turn it on and off like that... I need some time." And Michael needs about as much time as it takes to make instant soup. Maybe less. He tells Kimberly he may "warm up to the idea" after he's had the whole day to think about it and then runs out the door.

Sydney goes to Kyle's looking for Kyle but instead finds only Taylor. She tells Taylor there's "a delay on the new Kirov" but Taylor and her dead fish personality could care less. Sydney tries to strike up a little friendly conversation by mentioning how amazing it is that 2 people can live and work together. Then, in true Sydney style, she slips about Kyle's affair and as she tries to back-pedal her way out of it only ends up digging herself into a deeper hole. Taylor isn't any too happy that Kyle divulged this information to Syd and it's good to see Taylor getting a dose of her own medicine for a change. Peter shows up then, so Sydney splits but watches from outside as Peter shows Taylor the big 3 1/2 carat ring he bought Amanda after all.

In the police parking lot, Jane is apologizing to Jake and Alison for being the crazy psycho hose-beast she has been. She tells them she dropped the restraining order and admitted to stalking Alison and Jake. As Jake walks Alison to her car he insists the Jane incident is over, but a more cautious Alison says, "We'll see". So does this mean that even though Jane isn't causing problems that Jake and Alison may actually break up? God I hope so - there are so many new women on the show for Jake to sleep with it'll take him months to catch up.

Amanda returns home early from her Portland trip and finds Peter lying on the sofa drinking beer and watching sports on TV. Amanda is exhausted and wants to take a bath, but first Peter presents her with her engagement ring. Amanda thinks it's beautiful but tells Peter they have to take it back because she wants to get out of debt first, despite the fact she just spent $2500 for dinner at Kyle's. Peter doesn't see the big deal so Amanda snaps, "Is this shopping excursion the only work you did?" Hurt, Peter grabs the ring and leaves to return it immediately.

Michael is at Megan's banging on the door and yelling like a lunatic so she has no choice but to let him. She couldn't call 911 or anything like that, right? Michael confesses he "can't get her out of his mind" but Megan insists a relationship with her wouldn't work because of her line of work. Michael tells her, "I've had a lot of practice with women who, shall we say, stray from the norm" and insists he'd have no problem with the fact that dozens of strange men would be pawing all over her body. For whatever reason Megan feels compelled to branch off into a tangent about the sad story of her childhood, which includes a broken home, running away at 14, and the fact her father needs a new liver. Michael asks if he can stay the night, but Megan has a client coming over so he can't. They agree to get together tomorrow night and as they hug - something I forgot Michael was capable of doing - Kimberly watches from outside. Michael leaves and seconds later Kimberly enters the house. Megan doesn't seem any too surprised that some strange woman just walked into her house and it's quickly evident that they aren't strangers. Kimberly asks if Michael's "figured it out yet" but Megan tells her "No". Relieved to hear this, Kimberly says, "Good - because we need to talk".

--written entirely, completely, and without any assistance from anyone else by our completely exhausted and burnt-out founder, Stacie

Kimberly tells Megan that their business arrangement is over and orders Megan to cut Michael loose, but Megan insists that, because of her incredible sex, it won't be that easy; Amanda confronts Peter about all the time he spent with Taylor while she was in Portland and informs him if he has anymore lies, he'd better 'fess up now.