,--------------------------------------.
          )))    | So long and thanks for all the fish! |
         (o o)   _)-------------------------------------'
,-*--ooO--(_)--Ooo--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-.
*                                                                  *
| EDITOR'S NOTE:  This Blow-By-Blow synopsis marks the closing of  |
* Melrose Space so I'd like to take a moment to thank everyone who *
| helped make Melrose Space possible: Cindy, Lee, Jo, Danny        |
* Gonzales, Weasel Boy, Elizabeth, Graham, Steph, Kayt, Todd,      *
| Carol, Danny Horn, Gryphon, the folks at "Melrose Place" who     |
* give us something to write about, all our readers and ESPECIALLY *
| all our sponsors.  Should we ever find a way to make this a more |
* lucrative undertaking, we will definitely return.                *
|                                                                  |
* Peace,                                                           *
|                                                                  |
* Stacie                                                           *
| Editor In Chief, Melrose Space                                   |
* sam@intergate.net                                                *
|                                                                  |
`-*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*-'

After the commercial break we're treated to a hip-hop Christmas song complete with the same Christmas shots of LA they've been showing for years including one of that oversized Disco Santa. Obviously not as into the holiday spirit are Peter and Amanda who are, once again, inside their bedroom with Amanda running around getting ready for work and Peter lying in bed naked. Amanda informs Peter that she's concerned about his gambling, playing hooky and "this fear of surgery thing" so she made him an appointment with a therapist as "her way of helping". Peter is annoyed that "our" problem is suddenly "his" problem and tells Amanda that "a lot of men do this". Then, instead of having yet another argument over this, Amanda tells Peter quietly that she just doesn't want to fight anymore so Peter agrees to see the therapist.

Downstairs from all this marital bliss are Michael and Megan who just woke up in Matt's bed. Megan tells Michael that she'd prefer it if they stayed at her place since it's quieter and there's less chance of "Matt or one of Michael's ex-wives" walking in on them. Michael tells Megan not to be a nag which is Matt's cue to come barging into the apartment and, subsequently, the bedroom. As Megan slips into the bathroom, Matt apologizes and then asks Michael if Megan is, indeed, Megan which is pretty stupid when you consider the fact he gave her his apartment key the previous evening. Michael confirms that Megan is his "new girlfriend" so Matt remarks, "Go, Speed Racer" before heading for the closet to grab some more clothes. Michael is surprised to see Matt's new wardrobe which Matt quickly explains are "gifts from Dan". Michael, in his infinite wisdom, tells Matt how it is in the straight world: "I don't know how it works with your kind but if I bought a woman a closet-full of clothes it's because I'm interested in seeing her naked" which makes no sense at all. He finishes by telling Matt, "If you want to be a sex slave that's your business", before skipping off to join Megan in the shower. But, alas, enough of that nonsense sank in that a seed of doubt has now been planted in Matt. Oh the drama.

At D&D, Sam marches into Craig's office and tosses the key to her loft onto his desk. Craig snidely tells Sam that she's "oversensitive" and follows through by asking, "So what if I put the moves on you. What are you - a nun or something?" He confesses he expected sex from her because "that's what people do when they date" and that frame of mind is most likely why Craig is still single. Sam then turns her attention to the wall and tells him she wants her painting back but Craig refuses to give it to her. She storms out into the hallway where Billy approaches her and they briefly discuss what just happened before Sam exits.

At Shooters, Alison pauses for a moment to complain to Jake about everyone's "holiday spirit" -- God forbid anyone on this show should ever be happy. She asks Jake if he can get another waitress to help out so Jake announces to the entire bar that everyone's next drink is "on the house" which actually makes no sense as he's now just doubled her workload. Exasperated, Alison retreats to the back office and, naturally, Jake follows her. Alison immediately apologizes for being a "Scrooge" and explains that Christmas holds more negative than positive memories for her. She wishes she could just run away for awhile and "skip Christmas". Hearing this, Jake magically produces 2 tickets that he was going to give her on Christmas but, what the hell, "they can probably change the dates". Um, Jake, there's a reason everyone who travels during the holidays must make airline reservations months in advance but this is my last synopsis so I'll let it slide. The tickets are for Park City which, I presume, is some kind of ski resort. Alison is ecstatic and kisses Jake as she thanks him for "the best Christmas present he could have given her".

Back at D&D, Craig walks over to Billy's desk and barks at him to get the entire office "into the 21st Century". From now on there will be no more paper memos - only e-mail! Hopefully Billy will subscribe to a Melrose-related mailing list and inform Sam she needs to learn how to dress. Speaking of Sam, Billy takes this opportunity to confront Craig about that painting he won't part with but he still refuses. "She wouldn't put out for a loft, she won't put out for a painting", Craig warns.

Jane is at Sherry's helping her pack for their big holiday vacation when she suggests they stop and buy a Christmas tree on the way back to her apartment. She excitedly rambles on and on about hot cocoa and holiday traditions "like it was when I was little" before stopping for fear she's hurt Sherry's feelings. Just then a man carrying flowers enters the apartment without knocking and asks Sherry if they're "still on for tonight" so either A) he's her husband B) he's her boyfriend or C) he's her pimp. Actually it's none of these - he's her neighbor and "friend" Ed. Sherry introduces Jane as her "niece" and he notes the strong family resemblance saying, "You two could be sisters" before leaving her apartment. Jane is hurt that Sherry lied and thinks her new mom is ashamed of her. Sherry is quick to explain that her own vanity is to blame -- after all, she couldn't possibly be old enough to be Jane's mother -- and that she'll "get better" in time.

Peter is in his kitchen telling Amanda all about his therapist's appointment and how well it went when he suggests Amanda join him next time. He's taken the liberty of making her an appointment for the following evening but Amanda tells him it will have to wait as she's going out of town to Santa Barbara in a few minutes - a small detail someone missed somewhere along the fairway. Amanda insists she told Peter, who argues otherwise when Craig knocks on the door to pick her up. Peter and Craig share some hostile comments before Amanda shoos him off to the car, giving her and Peter some quality fighting time of their own. He's outraged that Amanda has discussed Peter's problems with Craig and, opening the front door shouts, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out!" With that, Amanda heads out for her trip.

Now that Taylor has found more flattering ways to deal with her oversized lips and her Hurricane Hair, she's switched to hideous clothing. Wearing a puke-green velour jumpsuit, she marches into Kyle's and is immediately annoyed when she finds Sydney there making menu selections for a charity auction Kyle is catering. She pulls Kyle aside and asks him exactly what the HELL is going on, so he explains that Syd got them this great catering gig and, had Taylor been around more, he would have told her. Taylor angrily asserts, "Charity means 'how much is it going to cost us?'" and then tells him to "count her out" as this whole thing was his idea and not hers. Kyle is fed up and returns to the kitchen, so Taylor vents the rest of her emotions on Sydney. She asks which Kirov painting she likes best and, instead of saying "the one your husband and I had sex on", Sydney replies that it's the one of Marilyn Monroe's house. So Taylor grabs that painting, sets it next to Sydney and tells her it's her donation to the auction and finishes her tirade by yelling, "Get this piece of crap outta here!" before storming out the door.

Megan meets up with Kimberly at a random pier and is immediately informed that Kim has found a solution to Michael's financial problems. Because of her illness, Kimberly can't get any life insurance but she has managed to get a very nice accidental insurance policy. Megan has the IQ of zit cream so Kimberly explains that she's going to kill herself and make it look like an accident so Michael - the sole beneficiary of the policy - will receive tons of money. This upsets Megan, who asks Kimberly why she's telling her all this. Kimberly explains that, one day, she hopes Megan will tell Michael the truth and then he'll know just how much Kimberly loved him. I dunno, Kim - wouldn't it be easier to just send him an FTD bouquet? Megan becomes noticably uncomfortable and asks Kim not to tell her anymore details, lest she spill the beans to Michael. As she turns and walks away, I suddenly realized she's wearing a sweater I lost back in the 7th grade and never could find - I wonder if she's got my old earth shoes, too.

Sam goes to Sydney's apartment to confront her about the missing Marilyn Monroe painting. I guess now that she's no longer spending time in her "Love Loft" she's got time to go visiting restaurants she's never been in before. Syd informs Sam that Kyle donated it which makes no sense to Sam since, as far as she knows, the painting was on consignment and legally still belongs to Sam. She quickly realizes, however, that Sydney lied and is outraged that her paintings have been sold yet she hasn't received "a single dime" for any of them. Syd pompously explains that Kyle is on a "payment plan" but, unfortunately, his payments don't start until next year. Sam isn't backing down and tells Sydney she will go to the auction herself and buy it back but is quickly discouraged when Syd tells her it costs $500 a person just to get in. Sam repeatedly mutters, "You are evil" as she walks out.

In Park City, Utah, Alison and Jake return to their log cabin where a fire is conveniently already "stoked" and waiting for them. Jake is recounting their wonderful day of skiing but Alison -- complete with her required ski trip braided hairstyle -- is content to focus her energy on the fact that the airline lost their luggage. She tells Jake how awful her childhood Christmases were so Jake counters with how bad his childhood Christmases were and suddenly I found myself crying and looking for a straight-edge razor blade. Jake tells Alison, "It's time to make our own traditions - we're family now." Alison replies, "I love you, Jake" and as they kiss, the camera pans to the right to show the snow falling outside while Christmas bells play. Really.

Even though it's late at night, Peter is on the phone at his office trying to drum up some business by calling other doctors and asking for referrals. Taylor enters the office and angrily confronts Peter about his lack of communication since last week's diary confession. "I saved your life, Peter", she tells him so he quips, "I'll make sure to get that 'Thank You' right in the mail". Taylor cries, "We are family!" but Peter has had enough and tells her they *aren't* family, Beth is DEAD and that he's not responsible for a "stupid schoolgirl crush" she had on him 10 years ago. Cue the creepy "Fatal Attraction" music as Taylor tells Peter this is no crush - she love's him. Peter must not hear it, though; he reminds Taylor for the 89642th time that he is with Amanda now and snaps, "I don't want you as a friend! I don't want you as a neighbor! Now LEAVE ME ALONE!" Taylor is now grasping for straws and pretty soon she's going to be gasping for air if she doesn't stop all this nonsense. She asks, "I put my marriage on the line for you and all you can do is hurt me?" Through clenched teeth Peter replies, "You've got a husband. Now go home to him - at least he wants you."

The following morning Billy is in the courtyard bouncing his keychain on his knees in true soccer fashion when he runs into Sam who has just returned from the laundry room. Sam seems to be having a problem holding her laundry basket as she repeatedly drops it on the ground while venting to Billy about how someone stole one of her sweaters from the laundry room and Sydney stole 6 of her paintings and Aaron Spelling stole her personality. Billy -- who looks like he's wearing "Jason Priestley Paste-On Sideburns" -- patiently listens as Sam explains about the Kirov story, Syd's lack of payment and Kyle's donation to the fundraiser. Since D&D is now using e-mail only, Billy suggests he pull a few strings and get a couple tickets for he and Samantha so she can go to the fundraiser and at least ensure her painting goes to "a good home".

Another year, another fundraiser and, ironically, it's once again been orchestrated by Sydney. Maybe this year she'll drug Taylor. Kyle is running around amidst total catering chaos as his waiters seem to be missing in action. He hunts down Sydney and tells her to "fix it - NOW" before running off to solve another food crisis.

Elsewhere, Dan and Matt are admiring the real Maltese Falcon piece when Dan tells Matt he's going to buy it for him. Matt turns him down politely but when Dan persists, Matt gets ugly and heatedly tells Dan that he's not some kind of plaything for Dan to dress up. Dan tells Matt they'll discuss this when he "gets off his high horse" but Matt informs him "this conversation is over" and walks off.

Taylor enters the fundraiser wearing what appears to be an opaque orange shower curtain and immediately notices that the waiters are all standing around clueless as to their duties. She barks orders to each of them before turning to Kyle to apologize. "With you is where I belong", she coos and a very relieved Kyle reminds her what a "great team" they are and now I'm wondering: who's running the restaurant back in Boston? They kiss like schoolkids which Sydney catches a glimpse of before taking her seat for the auction next to Billy and Samantha. First up is Sam's painting, which starts at $2000. A man across the room bids $2000, so Syd raises it to $3000 because, as she explains, she wants to boost the price so it will make Kyle look good. The bid-war continues and ends with the painting going to Sydney for $7000 which, as we all know, she doesn't have. Sam just looks sad that her painting won't be going to a good home and will, instead, be living next to Sydney's "Carpenter's" poster.

Jane and Sherry are busy decorating their Christmas tree when Jane starts asking questions about her birthfather the dead stuntman. At first, Sherry tells her his name was Tom Stevenson but when Jane hints that she wants to go to Chicago to find his family, Sherry confesses that she lied about him. Jane's true birthfather, as it turns out, was a B-movie producer Sherry slept with to get a part. She tells the torrid tale of how she won a beauty contest at 18, moved to LA, landed only a few bit parts and wrote home lying about the whole thing. When she got pregnant, she went home to have Jane and raise her, but opted for adoption because her family was so disappointed in her. After Jane's birth, Sherry returned to LA where she realized she was a better secretary than an actress and that's what she's been doing ever since. She lied about all this out of fear that Jane wouldn't love her but Jane hugs her and reassures her, "You're my mother and I'll love you no matter what."

In Santa Barbara, Craig and Amanda are sitting in a dimly lit restaurant waiting for their client who happens to be a jeweler. One of his diamond necklaces is on the table so Amanda asks Craig to help her put it on. Witness to this is Peter who drove there to tell Amanda "something very important" - presumably the whole Taylor/Beth thing. However, he assumes the worst and walks over to their table to confront his wife about this torrid love affair he thinks she's having. Both Amanda and Craig try to calm Peter down but to no avail. He flips a serving tray at a nearby table, tosses down some money to pay for it, and storms out.

Sydney cruises over to the mansion of the man she accidentally outbid in a desperate attempt to get him to buy Sam's painting. The guy - whose name turns out to be Walter - answers the door but it appears he's not Mr. Big after all as he humbly directs Sydney "this way to Mr. Gallavan". Out back, a young punk is skating around a homemade hockey rink complete with ego-inflating sound effects every time a goal is scored. We soon discover the young man is Carter Gallavan - a Virtual Reality guy being touted as the "next Bill Gates". Carter is happy to see that Sydney has brought the Marilyn Monroe painting and offers her $7000 for it, despite her request for only $6000. When Syd stammers at his offer, he arrogantly raises his offer to $7500 and if he's got this much money to piss into the wind, how about sending some of it my way so I don't have to shut down Melrose Space? Again, Sydney hesitates, so Carter tells her he'll give her $8000 if she can make a hockey goal. Naturally, she succeeds, and a check is issued.

Sam and her trendy leather pants go over to Billy's apartment where Billy is waiting for her with an open bottle of champagne. He tells her they have something to celebrate and then shows her her courtyard painting which he retrieved from Craig's office. Billy explains that he went "back to the e-mail concept" and, since all artwork must first be approved by the design committee, he e-mailed them and convinced them that Sam's painting should be removed. Sam gushes, Billy gets all mushy, and they kiss while making dumb jokes about what a "good fit" they are.

Peter comes home drunk and fumbles with his keys for a few moments before realizing Amanda has changed the locks. He starts banging on the door while yelling her name so she finally opens the still-chained door long enough to spit, "It's over, Peter!" before slamming the door in his face and didn't we see this exact same scene with her and Bobby last year? This time, however, the door doesn't get kicked in and Peter descends the stairs. Outside at the complex entrance, Taylor is coming in just as he's leaving so he immediately starts screaming at her. "She threw me out... isn't that what you wanted?!" Taylor tells Peter to "go to hell" and tries to pass him but he grabs her and slams her against the wall. He yells that it's all her fault and accuses her of throwing herself at him before desperately asking, "Why? Why did you do it?" As his anger starts to subside, his lips get closer to hers and he plants a big, juicy, revolting kiss on Taylor before letting go of her and getting into his car. Taylor is clearly in shock and stands there biting her knuckles which is exactly the same thing Amanda is doing upstairs in her apartment as Peter drives away.

--written and edited by Stacie, founder and Editor-In-Chief, Melrose Space

IN THREE WEEKS: Ed takes Jane to a seedy looking bar where Sherry is busy getting drunk; Alison and Jake are holding what looks like a check as Matt inquires about "Mr. & Mrs. Jake Hansen"; Samantha surrenders her innocence to Billy.