Megan isn't feeling any warm fuzzy "afterglow" after her sexual encounter with Coop as she stands by the window looking out at the moon wondering if she'll ever get a decent storyline again. Coop wakes up and asks her what's on her mind so she tells him her very sad story about how she's "courtship deprived" because she never dated. Coop tells her he's suffering from the same condition even though he's such a stud and "never had any problem getting women into bed". Yes, Coop, but you're a doctor - moving unconscious patients from a gurney to a hospital bed doesn't count. They agree to slow down and start dating so Megan goes home to experience countless hours of anxiety waiting for phones that never ring and flowers that never appear. As she leaves she blows Coop a kiss which he magically catches with his eyes as he does his take on an "I Dream Of Jeannie" blink.

Kyle is asleep on a chair in Amanda's hospital room where he is having a nightmare about the Gulf War. Remember last year when his old Marine buddy Nick showed up and started a bunch of trouble? Well, he's back, even if it is only in Kyle's head. Let's hope his re-appearance turns into something a little more exciting than the current Yawnfest. Kyle dreams about the 2 of them fighting in the war when Nick got injured. A few minutes later a woman in a jeep who bears a striking resemblance to Taylor drives up and shouts out to Kyle that she's on her way. Oh the horror - even in his worst nightmares he can't get rid of that slug. But wait - it's not Taylor, it's a woman named Christine who Kyle tries to stop from driving over a land mine to no avail. As Christine and her jeep go boom, Kyle starts mumbling "Christine! Christine!" in his sleep prompting Amanda to wake him up. But when she asks him who Christine is, a sweaty and disoriented Kyle replies, "I dunno" as he walks out of the room for some "air".

Coop and Megan are at the office cooing over some flowers Coop bought when Michael walks in and asks what "feats" Megan did to earn them. Before anyone can offer a rebuttal, Michael vanishes into his office instructing them not to interrupt him. Once inside, Michael calls his latest obsession - a stripper named Amber who has the same hideous blonde hairstyle as Kelly on 90210. I guess Spelling got some kind of group discount. Since it's only 9:30am, Amber is still in bed so we get to see her oh-so-nifty wall-sized tie-dye of a peace sign hanging over her bed. I'd be willing to bet if the camera panned around we'd see that old Carpenters poster Sydney used to have. Michael excitedly invites Amber to dinner at his place and, after he turns on the patented Mancini Charm (i.e. begging), Amber reluctantly agrees.

Peter stops by to check in on Amanda and tries to sugar coat the fact that Amanda may never walk again. He tells her how being in a wheelchair won't slow her down because there are all these great "wheelchair laws" and, besides, she's the Special Guest Star. Bob walks in the room so Peter excuses himself and escorts Bob out to the hallway where he inpatiently asks him what he wants. Bob tells him how his memory returned and he knows Lexi is the one who hit him. Peter shoves him into his newly reclaimed Chief Of Staff office where he asks what Bob wants in exchange for his silence. Bob proudly tells him he wants Peter to break up with Lexi so he can "have her to himself". Instead of bursting into laughter, Peter cooly notes he's being blackmailed in case someone watching who might also have the IQ of canned ham (like Bob) doesn't catch on to the obvious.

At the beach house, Michael is once again in an apron dancing around his kitchen while he cooks dinner and isn't it amazing how this man went 5 years without ever once being reduced to this and now we've seen him in this condition twice in the last 3 months. Amber knocks on the door so Michael greets her by opening the door and shouting, "HEY AMBER, COME ON IN!" in her face. Amber takes a couple steps into the beach house while Michael goes back to the kitchen, careful to tell her all his cooking secrets in the process. However, Amber is unimpressed as she tells him this situation "feels weird" and leaves.

Now Kyle is at home having Gulf War nightmares. In this one, he proudly shows a crutch-bound Nick some half-dead flowers he got on the black market for $100. He plans to give them to Christine until Nick breaks the bad news to him that she died. Kyle breaks down and cries, "I loved her so much!" as the two men hug at which point Kyle wakes up. He walks down to the courtyard, passing his very observant ex-wife's apartment on the way. As he descends the stairs into the laundry room, I notice it's still painted the same hideous bright yellow it was years ago when Jane and Michael still managed the place, despite the fact it's sustained a change of owners and a bombing. Kyle pulls out his foot locker and starts going through a stack of photographs taken of Nick, Christine and himself during their trip to the desert. Right on cue, Taylor tiptoes in and secretly watches him from above.

The following morning, Lexi is on the back porch reminiscing about her days on "Just The 10 Of Us" when Bob comes out and proudly hands her a cup of coffee. As she immediately starts bitching about the fact Peter spent the night at the hospital with his ex-wife, it's evident to me that this must be a twisted dream sequence of Bob's. Peter comes home and instantly gets into a very contrived argument with Lexi chastising her jealousy over Amanda. He storms back into the house to take a shower and return to work, leaving this ridiculous scene to end with Bob taking Lexi into his arms and comforting her with a hug.

Taylor pops into Amanda's room to check up on her and asks, "You're not going to DIE, are you?" Amanda tells her not to get her hopes up to which Taylor replies, "Well, hey, I happen to be a very practical thinker. I mean, if something horrible DID happen to you I would need to be ready." Ready for what? A personality transfusion? A good hair day? How about a new storyline already. Taylor notes how Amanda's health is affecting Kyle's health which prompts Amanda to mention Kyle's Gulf War nightmares. Taylor recalls he had those with her so Amanda asks if she knows anything about a Christine. Taylor doesn't, but it's apparent she intends to find out as soon as possible.

Hey look - now that the token gay character for this season is gone, Sam and Billy no longer have any purpose on this show. Witness this pointless scene. Sam and Billy are at home working on some ad when Sam shows Billy a storyboard she made that she "thinks Amanda would like". Billy reminds her he's the big ad man on campus and tells her he does the "conceptualizing" and her job is to draw it up. Sam angrily tells him to do it all himself and storms out of the apartment. Once outside, she sees Jennifer sitting by the pool drinking a cup of tea, all too ready to offer her unsolicited advice. She tells Sam how "Billy is a keeper" and raves about him for a few moments before falling back into her stale complaints about "Craigy Boy". Sam returns to her apartment - not so much because Jen suggested it but because she figures Billy is the lesser of 2 evils.

Lexi angrily storms into the hospital with Bob at her heels when she demands to know where Amanda's room is. A nurse points it out so Lexi marches in and discovers Peter there alone with flowers and a candlelight dinner for Amanda. Another forced argument ensues, so either this entire episode is a very bad dream sequence or something is up. Lexi demands to know if Peter is still harboring feelings for Amanda so he admits he's still in love with her. Hearing this, Lexi slaps him across the face and hisses, "Go to hell!" before storming out of the room. Alone with Bob, Peter quietly tells him, "You win - she's all yours" and Bob wastes no time running out into the hallway to collect his prize!

Coop passes Lexi and Bob in the hallway and makes a snide comment comparing her rapidly changing boyfriends to Kleenex as he continues on to the nurses station to talk to Michael. He tries to suck up to him and when King Suckup calls him on it, Coop tells him he and Megan are "taking things slow" and suggests he and Michael do the same. Michael isn't interested in dating Coop and turns down his invitation to go get some dinner explaining he has "other plans". When Coop tries to get details, Michael sarcastically explains he's dating Madonna and walks away. As if all this isn't silly enough, a nurse then invites Coop to join her and some other co-workers for dinner but suddenly Coop "has plans" himself.

At the strip club, Michael nearly knocks Amber over as he grabs her and gives her a handful of money for 5 table dances. Now, I'm female and have never been to a strip club so I'm wondering... if a man requests more than one consecutive table dance, does that mean she dances, takes off her clothes then puts them back on and does it all over again? No wonder the Velcro business does so well. As Amber dances, Michael demands to know why she isn't returning his calls. She tells him she's embarrassed about her job so he tells her she has a "fine occupation" and suggests they do the "let's take things slow and date" thing as well. What's with these people, anyway? This is "Melrose Place", not "Little House On The Prairie". They aren't supposed to "go a-courtin'" - they're supposed to have sex, get married, have affairs and THEN get acquainted - in that order. Again, Amber is hesitant but she agrees to go out with Michael the following evening. Coop appears but just long enough to spy on Michael and a now-topless Amber.

Back in the laundry room, Taylor is snooping through Kyle's foot locker and finds the photograph of Nick, Kyle and Christine. Turning it over, she reads the writing on the back which says "The Three Musketeers" followed by their names. As she realizes who Christine is, no doubt she's thinking, "So THAT'S why he always got me to dress up in camoflauge and shout, 'Kyle, I'm coming!'"

The next morning Taylor is swimming in the pool when Kyle walks down from his apartment en route to the hospital. Taylor asks him to stop by the restaurant since she's suddenly having all sorts of trouble there now that Kyle isn't around much. Kyle agrees and suggests she hire some additional help when Taylor responds with this nugget of nonsense: "I can't find anyone I trust... too bad you don't have more friends like your old war-buddy Nick. Where did he end up?" OK let's see... last year when Nick came to town he and Taylor did nothing but fight; he exposed Taylor's affair with Peter and, in the end, was asked to leave town by Kyle. Yeah, Nick WOULD be perfect, but only if he comes back with a wig and a penchant for setting things on fire. Kyle tells Taylor that Nick is in Dallas but she'll hire him "over my dead body". Hmmm... maybe Nick will set Kyle on fire and then he and Taylor can get married and try to kill each other while restoring this show to the level of insanity that once made it great.

Megan passes the McBrides on her way to Coop's apartment where she hands him a cup of coffee and tells him she's already paranoid about their new dating arrangement. She explains how she sat by the phone the previous evening and, even though it was their "night off", tried calling him 4 times and never got an answer. Letting insecurity get the best of her, she even went so far as to call the hospital to see where he was but to no avail. It's no wonder this girl was never Prom Queen - hasn't she ever read "The Rules"? Whatever happened to the "I don't need you" attitude she had when she first met Michael? If she reverted to some of that she'd have Coop, Kyle and maybe even Taylor begging to go out with her. Coop explains how he went out the previous night by himself and then kisses her which makes everything right in her shrinking, pasty world.

Peter enters Amanda's room with her chart in hand and demands to know why she's leaving for a rehab facility in Salt Lake City, why their storylines have been reduced to this and how she gets her hair so squeaky clean despite the fact she's been paralyzed for 2 weeks. Amanda explains that she'll be a burden to everyone including Kyle and, besides, she needs a place to escape to while she goes on maternity leave. When Peter asks if Kyle knows of her plans, she tells him he does not and then reminds Peter that, as her doctor, he is legally obligated to keep her secret. Yeah, right - as if a little thing like patient-doctor confidentiality has ever stopped this show before.

Lexi stops by Bob's place to pick him up although last I checked he was still living with her. Maybe he moved out last week when my goatboy roommate unplugged our VCR and I didn't get to watch the episode. Lexi tells Bob how upset she is now that Peter is gone because now she might actually have to go get a life. Bob admits he's in love with her but before these two can walk off happily into the sunset, Lexi needs to clean the slate by confessing about the accident. Bob tells her he doesn't care because he forgives her but somehow that's just not good enough for the princess who insists he let her do what Peter would not - go to the police and turn herself in. Knowing that would mean jail time and the end of his Melrose career, Bob urges her not to so Lexi offers a solution to their dilemna. They will go to the police together where she'll tell them she hit Bob but stopped and looked around and found nothing. Bob will corroborate her story but won't press charges citing the fact it was an accident. I suppose the fact she was high on pain pills and drove an extra half mile before stopping her car was an accident, too. Bob agrees to this arrangement and they head off to the police station.

At the Upstairs, the Comatose Quartet is playing while a spotlighted Boo Radley stands in the corner of the dance floor watching Megan and Coop dance. As they return to their table, Michael and Amber walk in and invite themselves to sit with Coop and Megan since suddenly the place is packed and all the tables are taken. Coop is all-too-eager to accomodate his partner and even orders a bottle of champagne for this unlikely foursome. Megan asks how Amber and Michael met but before Michael can answer, Amber quickly explains that she's his dental hygienist. Megan decides she wants to dance some more so she grabs Michael and heads back to the dance floor. Once there, she shows us another reason she never got asked out as a teen - she can't dance. It appears the only dance move she ever learned was the "Horizontal Bop". She chastises Michael for dating such a young tramp obviously forgetting that's exactly what she was when she met Michael. She heads off to the restroom but before Michael can return to the table, he's accosted by Jennifer. "I'm your sister, dammit!" she spouts. "So how come I haven't had more than one scene per episode for the past month?!" She reprimands Michael for dating a "brainless bimbo" and when he responds that's "what he needs" right now, Amber overhears and runs out of the club.

Lexi and Bob return home from their trip to the police station and Bob is anxious to start their new life together "without Peter". Much to his surprise and disappointment, however, Peter magically appears with a bottle of champagne in his hands. He and Lexi explain that they set him up so he wouldn't have anything to blackmail them with anymore because, as Lexi puts it, "it's not nice to blackmail people". Yeah, and it's not nice to fool Mother Nature, what's your point? Peter hands Bob a check for $2000 and tells him to beat it. He leaves and Lexi apologizes to Peter for her unrehearsed slap the previous day. She then asks if Peter has any feelings for Amanda to which he assures her, "not the kind you have to worry about."

Remember that patient-doctor confidentiality thing that Amanda felt so secure about? Well, as expected, Peter breaks it and goes running to Kyle's to tell him Amanda is on her way to Utah and, if he hurries, he might make it to the hospital before she leaves. Luckily for Kyle he has wings because 2 seconds later he's in the hospital hallway pushing Amanda's bed back toward her room telling her she can't leave him. He tells her he loves her and then does the unthinkable - he asks Amanda to marry him. Crying, Amanda joyfully accepts. Let's hope for the sake of Amanda Woodward Parezi Burns that "the third time's the charm" will apply here.

Ugh... now that Bob is gone it seems Peter and Lexi have gone back to their old ways of nakedness and hot monkey love between the sheets. Thankfully, before I get to Dinner Revisited, there's a knock at their door. Thinking it's Bob, both Lexi and Peter put on their robes and run downstairs. They're relieved and a little embarassed to find it's Lexi's father who oohs and aahs over them until Lexi leaves the room. As she goes upstairs to get dressed, Mr. Sterling's tone quickly changes as he tells Peter, "I'll never like you." Oh darn - and I bet he had such high hopes. Hmmm... older doctor, younger high society snot-nosed brat, disapproving father... sounds like the perfect ingredients for a Melrose Marriage.

Taylor breezes back into Amanda's room to congratulate her on her upcoming nuptuals. As part of a pre-wedding gift Taylor tells Amanda all about how she and Kyle were "in Las Vegas doing the big nasty" when Amanda's helicopter crashed and what Taylor doesn't realize is that spending any amount of time with her is nasty regardless of what transpires. Thinking she was divulging some kind of big, painful secret, Taylor is disappointed when Amanda calmly tells her she already knows - seems Kyle did some confessing of his own. Upset, Taylor quickly exits and, seeing a pay phone in the hallway, goes over and calls Nick. Funny how she supposedly had no idea where he lived yet she has his phone number committed to memory. And, for all you folks living in the LA area, be aware that calling Dallas from pay phones is now obviously a free phone call since Taylor uses neither a handful of change nor a phone card. Nick answers and again we get to see some poor bedroom decorating except above Nick's bed hangs a U.S. flag instead of Amber's tie-dye peace sign. Taylor cuts right to the chase and ask who Christine is, citing Kyle's recent Gulf War nightmares. Nick tells her, "She's what you could never be... you don't want to know." With that he hangs up.

Michael runs into the strip club yet again only this time he stops Amber who has just come out on stage to begin her show. He tells her to move in with him and let him "take care of her" and drag down his floundering acting career even more in the process. Amber agrees and tells her boss, "I quit" as Mr. Romance scoops her up and carries her out.

--written by Stacie

One of the following people will die: Lexi, Craig, Jennifer, Taylor, Peter, Amanda or Nick. (My money is on Craig - anyone want to start a pool?) Craig threatens Jennifer's life; Taylor pays Nick a visit; Megan realizes Coop has been out to get Michael all along; Michael threatens Coop, Peter and Megan; someone has a handgun; Kyle's nightmares continue; Samantha is hurled onto a sofa and Amanda lies helplessly on an apartment floor screaming for help.