Sam is in her Palm Springs hotel room when Billy calls to ask where she's been for the past 2 hours. She explains that she's been with Jeff Baylor and the newlyweds procede to get into their now-patented arguing that is now so stale I won't bother to regurgitate it. It ends with Sam hanging up on her husband followed by a knock on her door. It's Baseball Boy who's come by to apologize for making a pass at her earlier. Sam not only accepts his apology but plants a big, wet, icky kiss on him before giggling, "Goodnight" and shutting the door in his face.

At Peter's condo - you didn't think they could actually start an episode without it, did you? - it's late and there's a knock at the door. Is it Bob, back for more money? No, it's Daddy Dearest who has come by to pick up some legal documents from Lexi because God forbid anyone on this show should do business during regular business hours. Lexi goes upstairs to retrieve the papers leaving Tom and Peter time to verbally assault each other. Mr. Sterling abruptly leaves and when Lexi returns, she asks where her father went. Peter tries to explain that her father is a snake but Princess will have none of it and hisses that it's all Peter's fault and he needs to "fix it".

The following morning Michael stops by what used to be his practice to hit Peter up for a loan. He needs $500 to repay RhodaMom for bailing him out of jail. Peter begrudgingly complies but tells him "no more" as if those words have ever stopped a Mancini before. Michael thanks Peter and then takes it one step further by asking Peter if he can have some extra shifts in the ER since he needs to make some kind of living. Again, Peter agrees and Michael leaves. On his way out, he sees Megan talking to a new receptionist - no doubt he's thinking "Hey look - my newest wife!" - and tries to help Megan move into Michael's old office which now has the name plate "Megan Mancini - Office Manager". Coop passes by just long enough to make a crack about how Megan is still using Michael's last name before continuing on to Peter who is whining about Tom Sterling and their run-in the previous night. Coop again boasts about his wonderful relationship with his former father-in-law and the more I listen to his droning on and on the more he and Tom remind me of the "Ambiguously Gay Duo" from Saturday Night Live. Just a thought...

Back in New Mexico, Christine - who bears a striking resemblance to Kimberly - stops by to see Kyle and is surprised to instead find Amanda. Amanda informs her she's Kyle's fiancee and that Kyle went out for a jog but invites Marine Chick to come in and wait. Christine explains how Kyle's visit "opened old wounds" and, given the seriousness of her war injuries, I just hope she has plenty of Band-Aids on hand. She tells Amanda she wants to see Kyle one more time for "closure" but when Amanda suggests he might not be so willing to do that anymore, Christine convinces Amanda to talk to Kyle for her. Amanda agrees to "do what she can".

At AWA, Sam enters Billy's office and greets him with a kiss so I don't guess she went home when she got off the plane. They both apologize and I've seen couples living in geriatric hospitals with more spunk than these two combined. Predictably their mushiness turns to ugliness when Billy discovers Jeff made some drastic changes to the proposed layout. Pulling rank on Sam, Billy mumbles something about how she needs to clear such changes with him and storms out of the office.

Kyle and Christine are having lunch at the Halfway House Cafe - who thinks up these names, anyway? - which has been conveniently arranged by none other than Amanda. They talk and reminisce and catch up on the past 7 years when Christine pulls her hair back to reveal a hideous burn scar on her right temple. I told you she resembled Kimberly, I just didn't realize how much. We can only hope she goes psycho and sticks around for awhile. She tells Kyle of her long, agonizing nights in the burn center where she fantasized about committing suicide by parking her car on the train tracks outside. Between her stories and her scar, I've already lost my appetite and I'm not even eating. She then asks Kyle to catch up on his news so he tells her about his marriage and divorce, his restaurants, and his jazz club with Amanda. When he looks wistfully into Christine's eyes, she jokingly orders him, "Move on, soldier!" Jason Priestly has obviously been hired to do the writing on this show. And why not? After all, Potsie *did* direct it.

Kyle returns back to his hotel room where Amanda and a warm fire are waiting on him. They agree to leave the following day which Amanda eagerly anticipates. As she prattles on about work and their upcoming wedding, Kyle gazes into the fireplace while images of Christine, both past and present, flash through his mind. Amanda asks, "She's still in the room, isn't she?" which Kyle responds to by roughly grabbing his BACK INJURED girlfriend, forcefully shoving his tongue down her throat and making hot monkey love on the coffee table. Ooooweeee - nighttime television just doesn't get any better than this, kids!

The following day Amanda is back at work limping her way around with a cane like that doctor on "ER" when Billy and Sam come into her office to whine about who gets more screen time this episode. They take turns complaining about the Jeff Baylor account so Amanda sends Billy out to his desk to get the spreadsheets because she heard the word used in a recent episode of "Dateline" and wanted to try it out herself. While he's gone, Amanda takes the opportunity to give Sam 3 days notice and requests she be her Maid of Honor. Sam is honored and accepts but mistakes the offer as a sign of friendship and starts bitching about Billy again. Amanda quickly lets it be known that, as Special Guest Star, she needs no friends and tells Sam to work with Billy that night and bring her the finished layout in the morning.

Michael is in the ER giving boxing tips to an inner city thug who punched someone with the wrong part of his hand, therefore breaking it. Thug Boy is immediately taken with Dr. Mancini and starts telling him how they need a clinic in his neighborhood and that a doctor with the "right connections" (i.e. him) could make a lot of money. Michael ignores the guy at first but when he mentions the word "cash" you can just hear the "ch-ching" sound in Michael's ears as the dollar signs flash before his eyes.

Taylor, whose hair is looking more and more like the Gidget 'do Sydney used to sport, giddily approaches Amanda at the Upstairs to get all the dirt on Christine. "Gossip is my lifeblood," she squeaks and she must have done a LOT of screaming when she was with Nick because not much of her voice is left. Amanda tells Taylor that Kyle's romance with Christine is over and she's so secure in her relationship with Kyle that she went so far as to invite Christine to the wedding. Naturally, Christine declined, making Amanda look like a saint which Taylor notes. Laughing, Amanda asks, "How would you know what a saint looked like?" and walks away.

Elsewhere in the bar, Jennifer is on the pay phone with her nagging Rhoda mother telling her how she and "Craig" will be home for dinner shortly. She hangs up the phone and runs downstairs where Billy and Sam are having dinner and working on the Jeff Baylor account per Amanda's orders. Jennifer begs Billy to go be Craig "one last time" but Billy refuses, citing how he and Sam have work to do. However, Sam insists he go help Jennifer and promises to finish the work herself. Billy is still hesitant so Jen gets on her knees and pleads with him and I'd be willing to bet if she stays in that position much longer she'll have a dozen other guys begging to "be Craig". Billy agrees but tells Sam she "better get this right" before leaving.

Peter is outside Tom's hotel room fiddling with a tape recorder which he turns on and places in his jacket before knocking on the door. Once inside, he tells Mr. Sterling how he loves Lexi and has no intention of going anywhere. Tom, however, insists he knows what's best for his "little girl" Brooke - errr, I mean Lexi - and the conversation quickly escalates into an argument. As Daddy Dearest begins to fly into a rage, he grabs the back of his neck and falls face forward into a table. "Dammit!" Peter hisses as he first checks for a pulse then calls 911 for an ambulance.

Look - it's "Who's The Boss?" Revisited! Jennifer, Michael and Mother Mancini are at the beach house making dinner when Rhoda complains that Craig should be there because he should "help with the meal". Jen insists he's on his way - to Hell maybe - so Michael takes the opportunity to change the topic of conversation to money. He tells his mother he has the $500 he owes her but suggests she invest it in his new "Mancini Medical Center". She starts to listen to his sales pitch just as Billy shows up. Having been in business with the real Craig once already (nevermind the fact it failed miserably), Michael gets Billy to support his investment idea. RhodaMom agrees and even offers to get another relative to invest his pension.

Another late night at AWA only this time Sam is there all by herself when Jeff approaches her and scares her half to death. What's the matter with this place - can't they afford decent security? Jeff tells Sam that, because of the discomfort between the two of them, he'll still do the advertisement but she can deal with his manager instead of him. A relieved Sam gladly accepts this offer.

Lexi runs into the hospital where she is greeted by Megan who breaks the news that her Daddy had a stroke and that Peter and Coop are in with him now. Just then, Peter and Coop emerge from the ER and break the news that, "despite their best efforts", Tom died anyway. Lexi is devastated and breaks down in Peter's arms. As he and Coop console her, a nurse hands Peter's sports jacket to Megan.

The following morning at the condo Peter walks out to the porch where he discovers Lexi has been sitting all night. She tells Peter that she's making funeral arrangements in Cleveland and that Coop is going back there with her. Naturally, this doesn't please Peter but he does his best to be supportive. Lexi, grief-stricken, asks what happened between Peter and her father during his last hours so Peter lies that he went there to try to iron things out and that he and Snake Dad were hitting it off just when he had his stroke. Even though she's not blonde, Lexi buys it.

Megan is taking dictation from microcassettes and typing it into a laptop computer, and where she learned these secretarial skills being a hooker is beyond me. As she reaches for Peter's jacket, his tape recorder falls out along with the tape, so she takes it and puts it in her tape player assuming it contains something needing to be transcribed. Coop sticks his nose in her office just long enough to tell her he's going to Cleveland with Lexi because, after all, he and Tom were such good buds. He leaves and Megan goes back to her dictation but is surprised to hear the argument between Peter and Mr. Sterling instead of the expected medical notes. She quickly removes the tape from the player and shoves it in her purse replacing the tape in Peter's recorder with a blank. No sooner is she done does Peter himself enter and, noticing his jacket, asks if she's listened to the tape. She lies that she hasn't so he takes the jacket back to his office where he promptly removes the tape and destroys it.

Michael is giving Jennifer and RhodaMom the grand tour of the slums of LA where his new, nifty medical center is going to be. Both women have reservations about him doing business in such a shady part of town which, even by Michael's standards, is pretty bad. As he rambles on about getting rich and all the "good he's going to do for humanity", Super T Gangsta pulls up in his car to "welcome" the good doctor to the 'hood. He explains that it will be "good business" for everyone to see the two of them shaking hands so Michael obliges him and sends him on his way. I wonder how much his bill will be for that.

Sam is roaming around her living room wearing another one of her slip-dresses when Billy comes home. They kiss and make up yet again and as they're busy pawing and drooling all over each other, RhodaMom and Jennifer arrive home from their big day out in the ghetto. Seeing Billy and Sam, Mama Mancini goes postal, breaks into their apartment and punches Billy in the stomach for being a "two-timer". Realizing things have gotten out of hand, Jennifer confesses the semi-truth - that her "fiance" Craig blew his brains out and she got Billy to play the part of Craig to spare her mother the pain of knowing the truth. Not only does her mother accept this - she's actually HAPPY about it and the two Mancini women skip out arm in arm.

Tuck & Patti are playing at the Upstairs when Susan approaches and surprises Kyle. She explains she changed her mind about the wedding and wanted to be there to support him blah blah blah. Taylor walks up to them and fires off a couple typical Taylor remarks when the happy threesome is joined by Amanda. Poor Kyle is sweating bullets by this point and shoos Taylor away as he escorts Christine and Amanda to a nearby table. Taylor stops at the stage and requests some old love song of Kyle's and Christine's. As Tuck & Patti oblige her, Christine bats her puppy dog eyes and asks if she can dance with Kyle. Despite Kyle's protests, Amanda insists and off they go.

It's morning and suddenly Sam has nothing but time on her hands as she runs upstairs to Jennifer's to share some girl-talk about Jeff. There's a photo shoot later that day and she doesn't know if she should go or not - obviously she gets to make her own schedule now. She explains how she's attracted to him but loves her husband and given that she's talking with a woman who was liplocked with Billy just last week, she should be careful what she says. Sure enough, Jennifer encourages her to go to the shoot and partake in some "harmless flirting".

Lexi and Coop are leaving her father's funeral when Coop suggests they stop somewhere to get a drink before he takes her back to her hotel. Wait a minute - I thought she was from Cleveland. That being the case, doesn't she have any relatives or friends or someone she can stay with? Lexi agrees that a drink would be nice so Coop takes her to a "place she'll really like".

Amanda calls Kyle to tell him she can't make dinner that night with him and Christine. Apparently she promised him some crappy meatloaf dinner years ago and is taking this opportunity to follow up on it. Kyle begs Amanda to get out of the photo shoot and go to dinner instead because he'd feel more comfortable if she was there. Amanda gives Kyle grief for letting Christine stay in his apartment so Kyle explains that Christine doesn't have any money to stay in a hotel and, besides, he's practically living with Amanda anyway. Before these two can turn into Billy and Sam, Amanda tells Kyle she loves him and hangs up.

Michael stops a couple nurses in the hospital hallway to ask them if they want to come work for him at his amazing new medical center. They turn him down because, after all, he doesn't have the best reputation around that place. He returns to the nurse's station where that blonde Mary Poppins nurse who's been around almost as long as he has tells him they've cut her hours back and she's interested in working at his clinic. What? Cut her hours? She's the only nurse we see more than once on this show AND she's been around for YEARS. Michael tells her no deal until she explains she's got about $10,000 just sitting around collecting dust. Again, the ch-ching sound of money fills Michael's head as he agrees to take her on.

Lexi and Coop are sitting in an Irish pub in Cleveland which turns out to be one of the places they used to hang out in when they were still an item. Coop tells Lexi he's sorry for the whole Kimberly mess and Lexi tells him she really needs his friendship. Coop then changes the topic of conversation to Daddy Moneybags' stroke and thinks aloud, "How could this happen?" noting how healthy the man was. Lexi insists Peter would never lie to her about something like that but is doubtful just the same.

Well, it seems Jennifer has the answers to everything this episode - now it's Megan's turn to run to her at the jazz club for some girl talk. Megan tells Jennifer about a fictional movie that involves a secret that could hurt some innocent people. Jen, being the Mancini that she is, quickly realizes Megan is talking about a real situation and urges her roommate to "dump her secret".

For all the hype surrounding this photo shoot, it sure appears to be pretty lame. Whatever happened to Jo, anyway? She was only supposed to be gone for a year - maybe the jungle people captured her and ate her. The shoot ends, Amanda leaves, and Sam tries to make a quick exit but is intercepted by Baseball Brat Boy who insists on taking her out for pizza. At first she refuses citing her discomfort but he makes a nuisance of himself by begging so she finally gives in.

Christine and Kyle are at Kyle's old apartment finishing their dinner when Kyle comments about the new tablecloth. Christine explains how she bought it for this special occasion, along with a couple new CDs, so I guess she found a quick way to make a couple bucks. Maybe she filled the vacancy left by Amber when she left the strip joint. Christine asks Kyle how he liked her cooking and, despite the look of nausea on his face, he tells her it was great. He then suggests they take their wine and go sit by the pool so she tells him to go ahead of her and she'll be down in a minute.

At a local pizza joint, Sam and Jeff are enjoying their dinner when 2 old codgers approach the table and pretend to be halfway decent actors. They obviously know Jeff from way back when and ask him if he's told Samantha about THE PARK yet. She presses him for details so Jeff explains how he saved some local park for THE CHILDREN so now she thinks he's a saint. After the men leave, Jeff confesses he has feelings for Sam and has been having daydreams about her but not about the 2 of them in bed. Yeah, I bet he dreams about them having wild gorilla sex on the kitchen floor instead. He asks Sam if she has any feelings for him which she finally admits she does. Relieved to know he's not insane, he offers to take Sam home but she insists on "staying for dessert". (*wink*wink*nudge*nudge*)

Back at Melrose Place, Kyle is sitting poolside with the wine when poor, broke Christine descends the stairs wearing another of her latest purchases - a bikini. She slithers into the pool and, judging from the queasy rocking of the camera, must have the cameraman strapped to her head as she crosses the pool to Kyle. The two reminisce about the war because, after all, it was such a wonderful time for them both when Amanda comes limping in and interrupts. She quips something about how they aren't allowed to have glass around the pool - nevermind the fact that these 2 Marines survived a war, they might cut themselves on some glass - and then heads upstairs. Kyle, whipped puppy that he is, says goodnight to Christine and follows after Amanda.

Michael sneaks into Peter's Chief Of Staff office by using his old key and Peter is obviously too stupid to have the locks changed, despite being on this show with Michael for several years now. Once inside, Michael finds a document with Peter's signature on it because he obviously never kept any of Peter's memos over the years. Using the document as a guide, he forges Peter's signature on several papers before slinking back out to the nurse's station where he hands the papers over to the Mary Poppins Nurse Ratchet who, astoundingly enough, now has a name - Amy! He explains that the papers are requisitions for new equipment to replace the equipment being donated "to charity".

Peter walks into his other office where Megan and, get this, REAL PATIENTS are waiting for him. Megan pulls him into his office, closes the door, and discloses the fact that she has his tape and the tape he destroyed was, in fact, a blank. Peter demands she hand over the tape but she refuses and urges Peter to tell Lexi the truth about what transpired between him and Mr. Sterling when he had his stroke. Peter refuses and tells her she will lose Coop and he will lose Lexi if they go that route, but Megan is willing to take that risk and stands her ground. The conversation starts to get loud when they're interrupted by Coop and Lexi who has stopped by to take Peter out to lunch. What? He just got to work and already it's time for lunch? These people keep weirder hours than I do.

Kyle and Amanda are having their pre-wedding dinner at Kyle's restaurant where, of all people, Taylor is waiting on them. As she circles the table pouring wine for everyone, she does everything to antagonize Christine and generally make nuisance of herself. Megan arrives so Peter jumps up and pulls her aside to once again demand she hand over the tape. Megan still refuses and again urges Peter to tell Lexi the truth because if he doesn't then she will. They return to the table where Taylor announces a toast should be made, but not by Christine because it's "in bad taste" to have your ex-girlfriend who you've recently been dreaming about invited to your wedding. "Dammit, Taylor, I said back off," Kyle hisses which Amanda follows up with, "This is none of your business, waitress. Now go get us more food!" Yeah and get a hairbrush while you're up. Christine stands and offers to make a toast anyway but halfway through it she bursts into tears and runs out the door.

The following morning Christine knocks on Amanda's door to apologize for her behavior the night before. Amanda accepts her apology and tries to get her to leave, but Christine gets a little pushy and gradually inches her way further and further into the apartment. Amanda reminds Christine that the war is over and she has a wedding to get ready for so Christine replies, "I would never do anything to hurt you" and leaves.

Lexi goes to Megan's office to ask about the argument she and Coop walked in on the other day when they came back from Cleveland. Megan pretends she doesn't remember so Lexi tries the "you seem like a decent person" tactic which must strike a nerve in Megan because the next thing you know she's whipping out that tape and playing it for Lexi. Just as the tape finishes, Peter enters and shuts it off desperately explaining to Lexi that he didn't tell her because he "wanted to protect her". Lexi storms out with Megan right on her heels. I don't guess they have any patients today.

It's the Open House for the Mancini Medical Center and no one has stopped by, injured or otherwise. Homey Grandmaster Funky Flash M, whose name turns out to be Spider, stops in to check out the place and make Michael an offer. He'll pass Michael a couple hundred dollars each month in exchange for his medical services on friends who are "legally challenged". Michael agrees to try it out on a trial basis. Jennifer, RhodaMom and Megan all stop by just long enough to criticize the place, ask where all their money went, and leave for Amanda's wedding. Michael asks Megan not to go to the wedding ("because it's not like Amanda hasn't been married before") and instead go to dinner with him but she turns him down.

And what a wedding it isn't. Amanda is wearing some funky fur collared dress while Sam picks at it as if it's covered with lint and telling her how beautiful she looks. Taylor walks in to give Amanda "something old" - a framed wedding picture of herself and Kyle and mentions that it's almost wedding time and the groom still isn't there. Amanda reminds Taylor that she isn't invited so Taylor gleefully leaves.

Kyle is descending the stairs from Amanda's apartment shouting out to Christine that they need to leave or they'll be late. Looking up, he notices her apartment door open and, when he gets no response, mutters, "What now?" and runs upstairs. Inside, he finds a letter that says in part, "I'm going to catch my train and end everybody's misery". He grabs the phone and calls Amanda to explain that Christine has run off to commit suicide and asks her to "delay people". With that he rattles off a quick "I love you" and hangs up the phone.

Christine is sitting in her car which is parked right in the middle of some train tracks while a speeding train rapidly approaches. Luckily for her, Super Kyle speeds up just in time to pull her out of the car and to safety before the train smashes into it. As they roll around on the pavement, Christine repeatedly cries, "I love you!" Really? Well you certainly do have a strange way of showing it, lady.

The following morning, Kyle finally returns home to Amanda's where she has been sitting waiting for him all night. He immediately apologizes and after Amanda confirms that Christine is in the hospital and OK, she angrily tells Kyle of her embarassment at having to postpone their wedding. She tells him he needs to get over this wartime romance thing and until he does, their wedding will be postponed indefinitely.

Megan calls Coop at home to ask him out to lunch but he turns her down because "Lexi is still a wreck". He hangs up the phone just in time to answer a knock at the door which turns out to be Peter in search of his girlfriend. Coop tells Peter that Lexi spent the night there, that he slept on the sofa, and that she doesn't want to see Peter right now. Peter doesn't give a rat's ass what his "partner" thinks and goes back to the bedroom to see her anyway. Sure enough, she's upset and tells him he should have had faith in her love for him but now all she feels is sorry for him. Peter tells her he loves her but Lexi tells him to just leave her alone so he goes.

Jennifer and Sam are in the laundry room recounting the previous night's events with the postponed wedding and Christine's attempted suicide. Sam confides in Jennifer that she and Billy haven't had sex in weeks which is certainly more information than I needed to hear. She continues that she's constantly thinking about Jeff so Jennifer gently urges her to "seize the opportunity". Being married, Sam can't, so Jennifer advises her to continue flirting. OK, hold on a sec. This girl has been on the show less than a year and during that time her boyfriends and ex-boyfriends have consisted of a married playboy restauranteer and a grieving widower who blew his brains out in the front seat of her car. So why does everyone keep coming to her for relationship advice?

Spider drives up to Michael's clinic with a friend of his who's been shot. Michael immediately orders Amy to call the paramedics and the police because all gun shot wounds have to be officially reported. Spider insists they "had a deal" but when Michael refuses to stop the phone call, Spider changes his mind by putting a gun to his head. Michael tells Amy not to call but warns Spider that this is the last time he's doing this and their deal is off. "You will learn to appreciate my friendship," Spider warns as he goes to the waiting room to wait and look at the pretty pictures in the magazines.

Here we go with Jennifer's Love Advice again and this time it's a double-header. First, Kyle is complaining about what a louse he is for screwing up his wedding by bringing Christine back into his life so Jennifer tells him not to beat up on himself and then heads over to Billy. Billy instantly starts confiding in Jennifer about how he and Sam aren't having sex and, therefore, he's getting suspicious of Jeff and why he's telling her all this is a mystery to both him and me. Jen the Relationship Guru tells him to "give Sam space" and finishes by telling him, "If you ever need a friend, I'll be there."

Megan goes to Michael's clinic just as he's closing up to take him up on his previous offer to go to dinner. As they walk toward his car, they are jumped by 2 thugs but before they can do anything, Spider pulls up in his car, pulls out his gun and the thugs go running off. "What's happened to this neighborhood?" Spider sighs. Michael instantly accuses Spider of setting up the whole mugging to make himself look like a hero which he emphatically denies. Turning to leave, Spider tells him, "You don't want me for an enemy" and then tells them to "hurry on home".

It's late and some stranger is roaming the halls of the hospital. Better yet, this stranger is in Christine's room and, given that she's just attempted suicide, she should at least have somebody watching her room. Christine wakes up and discovers it's no stranger - it's just some weird guy from the war named Nick. She smiles and asks him why he's there which he responds to by saying, "I think you know" and pushing one of those modular wooden hospital chairs in front of the door. Good thinking, Nick - Lord knows Bubba the Security Guy couldn't push a door with one of THOSE behind it. Returning to Christine's bedside, Nick starts kissing her and it's quickly obvious this isn't the first time these 2 have been intimate as she coos, "I miss this."

--written by Stacie

It's a night of cheating hearts as Christine asks Kyle to spend the night, Sam hops in bed with Jeff, Megan kisses Michael, Jennifer dances with Billy and Kyle kisses Christine.