Michael and his medical bag enter the courtyard seconds later on his way to see Taylor when Jen - who is still leaning over the railing - notes how late it is to be "making house calls". He shoos her away and knocks on Taylor's door. She invites him in and tells him about the pains she's having while he examines her with a stethoscope. Even though her pregnancy was just diagnosed in the previous episode, Taylor's midsection is much larger and Michael can already hear the baby's heartbeat without the aid of electrical equipment! Amazing! Michael hands the stethoscope over to Taylor who listens to the heartbeat and gushes about how much this baby means to her and how she's a different person and how she's even going to make more of an effort to brush her hair and stop wearing Sydney's hand-me-downs. "For the first time in my life I have hope," she tells Michael who looks at her blankly and silently wishes for the days he had a real hairstyle and decent storylines.

The following morning finds Megan and Coop rolling around in bed smooching up a storm. Megan wants Coop to stay in bed but he insists he has "work to do" and has to get in the shower. I guess Megan doesn't have a job anymore since she doesn't appear to be too anxious to get anywhere. Between kissing and struggling to get out of the bed, Coop whispers sweet, romantic things to Megan like things he has to get done that day and his daily dose of Michael bashing. He finally manages to get away from Leech Woman and into the shower when the phone rings. When Megan answers it she discovers it's Dr. Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me from Philadelphia who informs her Coop has "made it to the next level". Coop is to fly to Philadelphia at once for some more interviews. He also informs her that it would be a really good idea for her to also attend and she promises to join him. Ecstatic, Megan gets off the phone, pauses for a moment to confirm she has less common sense than a goat, and runs into the shower to tell Coop the good news.

Lexi and Peter are in their new place where Lexi starts the day by immediately browbeating her boyfriend because she slept alone the previous evening. Peter is stressing bad about Michael's lawsuit and the fact Coop is leaving. Lexi decides to help out and informs Peter she won't let Coop leave because she needs him at her pharmaceutical company. Peter isn't convinced it will work so Lexi kisses him and coos, "I'll have him eating out of the palm of my hand."

Kyle passes Taylor's apartment on his way out to work when Taylor rushes out to thank him again for their dinner the other night. She tells Kyle how she misses his cooking so Kyle offers to make her dinner that night at the restaurant. "We'll eat in the kitchen like the old days," he tells her. Taylor excitedly accepts and he heads off to work. Not two paces away, however, does he encounter Jennifer who immediately asks how his plan is working. Despite the fact it must be 90 degrees there and Taylor's windows are ALWAYS open, she doesn't hear their conversation. Kyle tells Jennifer he's getting closer but Jen suddenly has a change of heart and reminds him Taylor is going to get hurt in the end. Not caring, Kyle tells her there will be "no mercy" for Taylor. I just hope she enjoys their music.

Sam walks into work and finds Amanda popping aspirin. After a brief conversation about hangovers and drinking too much, Sam follows Amanda into her office and shuts the door behind her. She tells her that she thinks Amanda should make an appointment with a psychiatrist. Sam also says she thinks Rory is a "creep" and reminds Amanda she's still married to Kyle. When Amanda notes how Sam isn't exactly an expert on fidelity, Sam proudly states that she and Jeff are over and she's committing herself to her marriage. She urges Amanda to stop punishing herself over Christine but Amanda doesn't listen and, instead, tells Sam to get out or get fired.

Despite the fact that Sam has officially ended her relationship with Baseball Boy, he STILL keeps popping up. Like right now. He's in his house doing some exercises for his knee when who should show up but Jennifer. She invites herself in and instantly starts babbling about Sam and Jeff's relationship. She tells Jeff that his marriage talk scared Sam but she still loves him because she "blossomed" while she was with Jeff. Excuse me? She didn't grow breasts or pubic hair until she had sex with a washed up baseball player? Once Jen confirms that Jeff is still interested in getting Sam back, she tells him, "leave the able part to me."

Kyle and Taylor and Taylor's cleavage are having their planned candlelight dinner in the kitchen. Kyle slyly brings up the fact that Taylor can't keep secrets from him so she confesses, "If still loving you is a secret then I'm guilty as charged." Excuse me while I hurl. They are obviously having a large block of cheese for their main entree. Jennifer shows up with a bottle of champagne and two glasses and is as surprised as Kyle when Taylor says she doesn't want any. She leaves and Kyle continues his plan of attack by telling Taylor she's working too hard and should get some extra help. He reminds her how she suggested hiring Nick a couple months back which panics Taylor as she emphatically states he's "not right for the job". Getting the reaction he wanted, Kyle backs down and agrees.

Over at the beach house, a pair of legs wearing black jeans and big ugly black excuses for footwear come sneaking into the back door of Michael's beach house while he sleeps peacefully on the sofa. The mystery guest quietly picks up a newspaper and starts slamming it on the coffee table to scare him awake. It turns out to be Jennifer who immediately demands to know what's going on between he and Taylor. Citing Michael's house call to Taylor, the fact Taylor turned down Dom Perignon champagne and the extra pounds Taylor mysteriously put on, she demands to know if Taylor is pregnant. Michael confirms she is and shares the worse news that he has a 1 in 3 chance of being the baby's father. Leaning his head on Jen's shoulder, Michael begs her not to abandon him. "Trust me," Jen tells him. "There's not a hole deep enough to keep a Mancini buried. One way or another we always dig ourselves out."

Amanda is doing her best impression of Alison as she trips around her apartment drunkenly while Rory watches on. He pulls her into his lap and gives her a big, slimy kiss. At first Amanda reciprocates, but when she stands up he tells her how it's about time they had sex. What a romantic - he obviously took courses from Coop. Amanda wanders over to the window and when she sees Kyle and Taylor coming home, she orders Rory to turn out the lights. Amanda watches in horror as Kyle passionately kisses Taylor and then turns and kisses Rory who has positioned himself right behind her. He asks if this means "what he thinks" and I don't know what he's thinking but I'm thinking she's headed for the toilet to throw up. Amanda tells him it was a goodnight kiss and asks him to leave.

Over at whatever goofball corporation Lexi is "running" she tells Coop she forbids him to leave because he "has a company to run". Funny, I thought that was her job. Coop instantly figures out that Peter put her up to this despite her protests that he didn't. Coop could care less and tells Lexi he'll sell his half of the company for $100,000. Lexi takes the deal and then hisses, "I'll take it, strip this company down and sell it." Coop tells her to do what she wants and walks out. So much for the palm of her hand - she'll just have to settle with farm animals eating from it.

Sam and Billy are in Amanda's office actually WORKING for a change. Amanda sends Sam off and holds Billy back to give him some changes on another campaign they've been working on. Rory enters and starts blabbing on about some kind of wonderful investment opportunity he's found that can turn $5000 into $10,000 overnight. Doormat - I mean Amanda - asks him who to make the check out to. Sensing danger - and a whole lot of stupidity - Super Billy puffs out his chest and says he's heard commodity investments can be risky. "Only if you're an idiot," replies Rory and, with perfect Melrose timing, Amanda hands over her check. Rory waltzes out so Billy asks, "Have you lost your mind?" "Looks like it, doesn't it?" Amanda calmly replies.

Coop slides into his office where Peter is still rifling through papers and stressing about his professional woes. Coop gives Peter grief for "pimping his girlfriend" to do his dirty work. At first, Peter plays dumb but it's obvious the charade isn't working with his soon-to-be ex-partner. Coop informs Peter that he sold his half of the company and advises Peter to settle his lawsuit with Michael. Turning to leave, he wishes Peter "good luck" and walks out.

Michael is going through paperwork of his own at his beach house while Taylor dances around him with a feather duster cleaning his house. Why this arrangement is taking place is beyond me but it's entertaining nonetheless. Michael tells Taylor to stop cleaning and she excitedly tells him she's "nesting" which, as I understood it, isn't supposed to happen until later in your pregnancy. I guess since she's leaving the show we have to get as much storyline in for her while we can. Taylor is certain Kyle is the father of her baby but decides she needs proof before she can tell him. She demands a paternity test so Michael points out that she'll need a blood sample from herself, Michael and Kyle and getting the latter might be a bit of a trick unless she's a vampire. With wide, psycho eyes Taylor assures him, "Anything is possible if you're determinded enough."

Jen follows Kyle into his office where he is happily jabbering about all the progress he's made with Taylor. Jen tells him she has some news for him and tells him the truth - that Taylor is really a 2-headed alien inhabiting a human body and she hides her second head in her lips. Actually Kyle already knew that so Jen tells him about Taylor's pregnancy. She also reminds him there's a chance he could be the father. Having successfully ruined Kyle's day, Jennifer returns to work while Kyle contemplates what to do about his dinner date with Taylor.

*Whammo!*Presto!* Kyle and Taylor are leaving the restaurant so I guess he decided to waste more money on her and took her to dinner. As they walk arm in arm Taylor pauses and asks Kyle to kiss her like he did the previous night. He obliges her but stops when she bites him. She immediately apologizes and whips out a cloth handkerchief. She dabs the blood off his lip and then puts the hanky - which appears to have about half a pint of blood on it - in her purse.

At a bar that isn't Kyle's, the Upstairs or Shooters, Billy and Jennifer are having a drink and talking about their relationship. Billy explains that he's torn because Sam's not acting aloof anymore and besides all that he's leaving the show soon so he can go DO SOMETHING and, therefore, doesn't really care anyway. Jennifer begs him not to "shut the door" on them entirely. Billy agrees, kisses her and then heads back to work.

And what's going on at work while the Billster is away? The Jeffmobile pays Sam an unannounced visit that's what. Sam tells him that she's made her decision and is re-dedicating herself to her marriage. Jeff insists she still has feelings for him, apologizes for pushing to hard and promises not to do it anymore. "I need you Sam," he gushes, "because, without you, I have no steady acting job and will have to go back to doing strip-o-grams." Sam continues to reject him but, after he leaves, throws all her energy into extracting a single tear from her eye.

Michael is in his kitchen doing his best Julia Child impersonation cooking and cutting up vegetables while dictating his legal plans into a tape recorder. He's interrupted by a knock at the door and is surprised to find Kyle standing there on the other side. Mr. Marine pushes his way into the house and tells Michael he knows Taylor is pregnant, wants a paternity test and wants the results before anyone else - including Taylor. To ensure he gets what he wants, Kyle has a check made out to Michael in the amount of $2000 for the paternity test and Michael's silence. Michael agrees because, after all, money talks and big-lipped, pregnant, alien beasts walk (or drown in swimming pools - whichever is more convenient). Kyle is willing to give Michael the money now but only after they figure out how they're going to get samples from Taylor without her knowledge. Already one step ahead, Michael tells him of Taylor's vampire tendencies and pulls out the bloody handkerchief she dropped off earlier. Kyle hands over the check but tells Michael in no uncertain terms that if he goes back on their deal he won't live to spend a penny of that money.

Lexi marches down the hospital corridor to once again bitch to Peter about the fact she slept alone the previous night. Peter explains coldly that he slept at the hospital so Lexi instantly deduces he talked to Coop. Peter heatedly asks her if she's going to buy Coop's plane ticket as well and an argument ensues. Lexi insists Peter always needs conflict and Peter insists Lexi wants him to be perfect which, he notes, is the same thing Amanda used to do. Lexi hisses, "You have the problem," flips her hair and walks off.

Over in Philadelphia, fake snow is falling on a California set when Dr. Roaming Hands and Coop approach Megan outside one of the campus buildings. They inform her all went well with Coop's interviews and the doctor invites them to a party he's having that evening. They accept his invitation and he walks away leaving them to jump up and down excitedly and pee their pants at Coop's good fortune.

At the Jazz Club, Jeff walks in and approaches Jennifer at the bar. He sadly tells her how their plan didn't work on Sam even though he "said everything Jen told him to say". He suggests he give up but Jen insists there is still hope. She offers to buy him dinner downstairs while they come up with a "Plan B".

Amanda is - surprise, surprise - getting drunk in her office when Kyle walks in. He tells her he doesn't like her excessive drinking nor her dating but Amanda brushes off his concerns. Kyle tries to tell her what he's been up to but Amanda beats him to the punch and tells him she "knows" he's sleeping with Taylor but insists it's ok since she's screwing around too. Rory Joe Cool breezes in and smoothly tells Amanda her investment came back 100 percent as he hands her a check for $10,000. Amanda happily accepts it and then complains about her last bad investment - the jazz club. Kyle tries again to talk to her but she tells him she doesn't love him and leaves with Rory.

Sam and Billy walk into Kyle's and are equally surprised to see Jennifer sitting at a table with Jeff. They walk over to say hello and inquire how they know each other so Jennifer lies that they just met upstairs and Jeff offered to buy her dinner. Sam and Billy walk over to their table and Plan B kicks into gear - make Sam jealous. Both Billy and Sam are staring at them but Billy tells Sam, "just ignore them" as if he thinks she'd have any reason to be jealous in the first place. Sam excuses herself to go to the restroom so Jennifer follows her in. Once there, Sam demands to know why Jen is dating Jeff when Sam is having an affair with him. Jennifer replies, "I thought you said it was over and what better way to commit to Billy than to know he's with someone else." Somehow I don't think that made her feel any better. Sam continues to express her displeasure so Jen tells her, "You can't have them both" and goes so far as to call her "selfish". Sam reaches her limit and pushes Jennifer but Jennifer pushes back and calmly states, "I don't like being manhandled - at least not by a woman." She heads for the door but Sam blocks it and makes a comment about how Jen is going for "leftovers". Slapping Sam across the face, Jen wags a finger at her and warns her, "Don't ever speak to me like that again" and walks out.

Kyle tracks down Michael in the hospital hallway and the two potential fathers-to-be enter the lab. Michael asks the lab technician for the Sample A paternity results and both men discover that Kyle is not the father of Taylor's baby. Naturally Kyle is relieved so Michael asks what he wants him to tell Taylor. Kyle suggests something very unthinkable - THE TRUTH - and then predicts Taylor will lie to him anyway and tell him he's the father. He hands Michael another check for $2000 to ensure his silence and goes to leave but Michael asks if he wants to know who the real father is. Kyle could care less and leaves so Michael heads back over to the lab tech and retrieves the Sample B paternity results. And for a man who supposedly can't practice in any hospital in the state, how is it he's getting blood tests done there anyway? He opens the envelope, reads the results and, when the lab tech asks if he's ok he replies, "I'm fine," and then continues under his breath, "for a guy who just knocked up a lunatic."

Out in the hallway Taylor has arrived for the paternity test results and finds Michael standing in the hallway still holding his envelope. She anxiously asks if Kyle is the father and Michael somberly tells her it's not Kyle nor is it him. Realizing Nick is the father of her baby, Taylor cries about how she's carrying "the demon seed" and hugs Michael for support.

Rory and Amanda wake up in her bed with the SAME leopard print sheets that have been there since the season premiere when she and Kyle rolled around in them all summer. Mr. Smooth croons about how amazing Amanda was last night by telling her she was "first class all the way". She's obviously been drinking too much and I fear she may be killing entirely too many brain cells if she's oblivious to what a low-class scum turtle this guy actually is. Amanda stumbles into the bathroom where she looks into the mirror and cries.

Michael approaches Peter in the hospital hallway where Peter immediately reminds him of their pending lawsuit and how, therefore, they shouldn't even be seen together. Michael asks him to hire him back and when Peter starts angrily spewing some very valid reasons why he shouldn't, Michael notes his high stress level. "You're my problem!" Peter shouts and even more loudly launches into a monologue about how Michael has always been a problem and he can't get rid of him. "For years now you and I have stuck it out on this lousy show and it appears that soon you will be the only remaining member of the original cast!" Michael tries to defend himself which only makes Peter angrier as he grabs Michael by the collar, slams him against the wall and yells, "I WILL FIGHT YOU ALL THE WAY!" A couple doctors pull Peter off Michael who walks away after telling Peter what a nutcase he's become. Just then the hospital psychiatrist who also counseled Michael and Megan magically appears and tells Peter he thinks he's having a nervous breakdown and should, therefore, come see him later that afternoon.

Coop and Megan are at Dr. Lamer's - I mean Larner's - party when the host himself approaches Megan and asks if she's having a good time. He hints that he'd like to have an even better time by informing Megan how beautiful she is and that his wife is out of town. "How about you come here later wearing nothing but a smile and we smoke some crack and get funky?" he asks her but not exactly in those words. He does, however, tell her to come back later after all the guests have left or Coop won't get the appointment. Citing Megan's past, he tells her he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal and tells her, "I'll see you tonight" before walking away.

Back at the hospital, Stress Junkie Chief Of Staff is venting his frustrations to the psychiatrist. He quickly rattles off the fact that Coop is leaving, Michael is suing him, Lexi is bugging the crap out of him and at the same time turning into his ex-wife Amanda who, he confesses, he still has feelings for. Sounds like someone could definitely use an International Coffees moment. The doctor suggests Peter take some time away and offers him the use of his cabin in the woods where Peter can be alone to meditate and clear his head. Peter jokingly asks what will happen if he doesn't go to which the psychiatrist somberly replies, "There's always electroshock therapy." Nah, that won't work, Doc - remember, Kimberly/Betsy already took him there.

Billy and Jen are having yet another secret rendezvous at some kind of lake. Billy explains how he's trying to make it work with Sam but she is unpredictable with her moods towards him. Jennifer tells him she knows exactly how it feels because Billy is also "running hot and cold" on her. Billy informs her the rest of the story - that all his thoughts and feelings are about Jennifer - "the only person he can trust". Looking deeply into each other's eyes, Jennifer tells Billy she doesn't want to get hurt. Billy replies that he doesn't want to hurt her and they follow-up by slamming their mouths together and hugging the life out of one another. When Billy notes he doesn't know what to do next Jen tells him, "we hold on to each other for dear life."

Megan shows up at Dr. Lamer's house to "correct his misconception" about her past but he immediately let's it be known that she can cut the crap because he knows everything and even has police records and names of clients as proof. When Megan asks, "Why are you doing this?" he replies, "I have needs and so do you." He explains that her "need" is to see Coop get this appointment and assures her there's nothing to worry about because he's a "gentle lover". Oh puke - just the thought of him naked... OK, chunkage contained, let's continue. Mrs. Lamer pulls into the driveway having returned home from her trip a day early so the doctor escorts Megan out the back door but reminds her she'll "do what I tell you" before pushing her out the door.

Whip out the firehoses kids - it's raining on the 4616 courtyard but hardly any water is touching the roofs of the buildings. Inside Taylor's apartment she and Kyle are having dinner when she breaks the news of her pregnancy. "For real this time," she tells Kyle which surprises me because, to the best of my knowledge, only Michael knew her miscarriage was a lie. Kyle seems oblivious to this so I'll let it slide - for now - and asks who the father is. As predicted, Taylor tells Kyle it's his and she made sure before she told him. Kyle mentions the bite the previous evening and she confesses she needed the blood for the paternity test and hopes he isn't mad. Kyle tells her he's happier than he ever was when they were together which actually shouldn't be too hard to accomplish since he was miserable almost every day of their marriage. He continues that he feels closer to her now than ever before and promises that, once his divorce from Amanda comes through, they will be a family. Kyle finishes his charade by kissing Taylor goodbye and going home.

--written by Stacie