When last we left off, D&D went bust; Michael was rendered useless as a surgeon due to the damage done to his hands when Peter pushed him threw a plate glass window; Peter took Taylor to a cliff with plans to push her off it but stopped short when she told him she was pregnant; Jake moved to Ojai with his son and his son's mother while Alison (who I have yet to see at an AA meeting) moved here to Atlanta (where I currently live); Matt lost custody of Chelsea only to have her mother pull a "Kramer vs. Kramer" and bail out at the last minute; Craig and Sydney got married; Amanda and Kyle both admitted to "needing" each other and then engaged in some hot monkey love on the sofa, and Sam - with her gun-toting father in tow - crashed Craig and Sydney's wedding... literally.

Did you get all that?

Well, tonight everyone's questions of "Who lived?", "Who died?" and "What are the latest Californian fashion trends?" are answered. We start with Matt driving wildly with Billy and Chelsea in tow to meet the ambulance at the hospital. Once there, Sam is wheeled in on a gurney and Matt tells Chelsea and Billy to stick together while he dramatically runs around doing a whole bunch of nothing. In the waiting room, a no-name generic doctor comes out to inform a distraught-looking Craig that his new bride is dead with all the compassion of... well... a no-name generic actor playing a no-name generic doctor. Matt emerges from wherever he ran off to and informs Billy and Chelsea that Sam is fine but Sam's father is dead. When asked about Sydney, Matt says "Not good news. She’s gone," and I’m wondering if he’s speaking as a doctor or as a MP viewer that her being gone is bad news. Billy attempts to console Craig but Craig stops him and proceeds to preach to all the Melrose "hypocrites" about how they never cared about Sydney, and that Syd was "better than all of you put together." I’m pretty sure he was referring to her acting ability, but he continues. He accuses Sam of being a "murderer" and vows, "Don't worry - I'll make sure Sammy pays" before wishing, "May all of you rot in hell".

The following morning, Amanda and Kyle wake up in her bed and begin recounting how they made love in the hallway, the bathroom, the kitchen and the couch before ending up in the bed. They left out the dining room table to "retain some dignity" because, after sleeping with every male member of the cast, that's about the only way Amanda is going to do it. Kyle and Amanda agree that "everything's changed" and I’m pretty sure that’s another reference to the Melrose Place cast. Then Amanda says she still has to fly to New York to turn down the job she was leaving for the night before. She picks up the phone to make flight reservations and girlishly tells Kyle, "I think... um... you know" to which Kyle replies, "Me too" and now I'm completely lost. Either they just professed their newfound love to each other or she's trying to tell him she's pregnant in real life and not to get too attached because she probably won't be around much longer.

Over in Carmel, California, Peter returns to his hotel room after taking a 2-hour walk to debate whether or not the child Taylor is carrying could possibly be a more horrifying mutant spawn than the one Brooke carried a couple seasons earlier. Taylor anxiously greets him and immediately tells him she's not lying and really is pregnant and is willing to prove it to him but Peter calmly tells her that won't be necessary because "he believes her" and has "always trusted her". You have??? Taylor echoes my thoughts as Peter spews a bunch of delusional nonsense about seeing things more clearly so it's obvious he's had WAY too much sun. Kneeling in front of the ol' dirtbag he hands her a ring and asks her to marry him. As Taylor gleefully says "yes" she hugs Peter but the smile on her face is quickly replaced by a much stronger look of concern.

Jennifer comes to visit Michael in his hospital room where his hands are still wrapped in such large amounts of gauze he looks like Mickey Mouse. Jennifer tells her big brother how Megan moved out of the beach house and in with Jennifer which I thought was funny because last I checked, Jennifer was temporarily living with Kyle. As she shoves massive amounts of something resembling cottage cheese into Michael's mouth, she offers to help Michael by convincing Megan what a swell guy he really is. She informs him about Peter and Taylor's engagement (amazing how fast THAT news traveled) and warns him that Megan could "join the other side" and if Megan has one ounce of sense in that blonde head of hers she'd leave and go back to being a prostitute because ANYTHING has got to be better than this. When Michael asks Jennifer what's in it for her she replies in her best "Godfather" voice, "One day I'll come to you for a favor and you will grant it to me no matter what, capiche?" and for a minute I thought she was back with Tony Danza on "Who's The Boss?". Michael reluctantly agrees and she skips out the door.

Back at the hospital, Billy comes in with a funky flower arrangement for Sam when he encounters the female detective working on Sam's case. He asks how much trouble, if any, his girlfriend is in and is told it's being deemed an accident and Sam is off the hook even though "this all could have been avoided if you two came to us in the beginning". Yeah yeah yeah... Billy wants to see his woman. He finally enters Sam's room where miraculously her hair has grown 6 inches overnight! She's worried she's ruined everyone's life but Billy mumbles some Pollyanna Suzie Sunshine nonsense about it being a "brand new day". He tells her it's "not too late" for the 2 of them as they embrace.

At the Upstairs Lounge we are treated to some blues music, and I can hear the new Melrose Place soundtrack now, "Melrose Place - Music From Upstairs" to go right along with the 90210 "Music From The Peach Pit" CD. Jennifer comes in and Kyle jumps on her for being almost an hour late to work and then asks if her reasons are that she partied too much the night before at the wedding reception. Jennifer breaks the news to him about the accident and Sydney's death and judging by the look on Kyle's face either he's devastated at hearing this news or he's just passed a kidney stone. He says aloud, but to no one in particular, how great Sydney was but his words fall on deaf ears as Jennifer just rolls her eyes and continues working. Kyle snaps out of his trance and barks at Jennifer to "get the bar set up". She obliges, but asks where he went the night before when he so abruptly ran out of the wedding. When she asks if it had anything to do with Amanda he heatedly tells her it's none of her business. This is all good and fine with Jennifer who informs her "loverboy" boss that, perhaps, he's "feeling guilty about being in another woman's bed while one of the many waitresses you had sex with and dropped was outside bleeding to death in her wedding gown." Kyle threatens to fire Jennifer and I can already tell this place is going to be the new "Shooters" now that Jake is gone. Jennifer is unfazed and tells him, "You're gonna be sorry you ever threw off simple girls like me and Sydney for a man-eater like Amanda Woodward" and if this scene is any sign of things to come, there could be hope for this show after all, especially where Jennifer is concerned.

Hey, wait a minute. We just went to a Spice Girls Pepsi commercial (ugh) but there wasn't one of those cheesy, black-and-white, slo-mo shots... (thanks to S John for pointing that out!)

In New York City, Amanda is being given the big office tour by Eric her new - but soon-to-be ex - boss. It turns out she worked for him 10 years earlier when she first got into the advertising business which is strange because supposedly she left Jack only 7 years ago and hadn't done any advertising work before that. But I digress. Eric shows her a picture he still has of himself and Amanda and tells her how wonderful it is to have her back where she started. Amanda interrupts him and tells him she has something to tell him. "Things have changed", she says. "I've found a reason to stay in LA." When pressed for details, she explains she and "a friend" have a club and she needs to stay there to help run it but respected Eric enough that she wanted to come tell him all this in person. Eric asks if this "friend" is really a relationship and when Amanda says it is, he angrily reminds her how he created this wonderful position for her a few days ago when she called him desperate for a job. He finishes his tirade by asking, "You're going to throw all that away for a guy you're sleeping with?" Amanda can only answer by telling him how sorry she is and leaving. Once gone, the camera holds on Eric a moment too long, letting us know we haven’t seen the last of him. Then, to prove us right, Eric's anger turns to rage as he grabs a flower vase and hurls it at the picture of he and Amanda.

Whoosh! Now we're in Cleveland, Ohio and I wish someone had told me we were going to be doing all this traveling this week so I could have packed some Dramamine. A man is at the grave site of Kimberly Shaw whose headstone reads "Beloved Daughter" so obviously whoever had her buried didn't know her all that well lest they would have included some of her other titles like "Queen Psycho Nutcase", "Doctor", "Bomber", "Homewrecker", "Lobotomist" and, my personal favorite, "Radio Talk Show Sex Therapist". As the man places flowers on Kim's grave he tells her, "Michael is going to pay for what he did. Goodbye Kimberly - I'll be back someday."

Megan and Jennifer are sitting at home drinking coffee when Jennifer decides it's as good a time as any to start in on her plan to get Michael and Megan back together. As she flips through a fashion magazine, Jennifer - whose own shirt is falling off her shoulder - asks Megan about her fancy wardrobe and says, "Seems to me you always dressed like money." Well, it seems to me she always dressed in polyester jumpsuits from the 70's - but I digress. Jennifer continues on saying, "I'm going to find me a rich husband and stick by him and his portfolio". Obviously hitting the right nerve with Megan, Jennifer apologizes for her insensitive comment and tells her sister-in-law, "you're one of the most moral people I know. You're deeper than I am - you stand on principle". She continues on about how it doesn't matter that Michael pulled Megan off the street and saved her because in the end he destroyed it all with his lies. Shocked, but not off-balance, Megan emphatically replies, "Yeah, he did!" Jennifer tells Megan how she admires her and tells her "Michael is a rat" and hopes Megan will be happy without him. "Don't worry - I will", Megan replies as she walks off to take a shower.

Craig is greeting people at the church as they come by to pay their final respects to Sydney when Billy and Sam pull up. Billy asks Sam one final time if she wants to be there as he thinks it's a bad idea what with her just getting out of the hospital after running Sydney over and all. Sam insists she's all right and that she wants to be there so they proceed to walk up to the church but only after Billy sets his car alarm because you just never know who might steal your car in broad daylight in a church parking lot. Naturally, Craig is none too happy to see Billy, much less Sam, and he makes no secret of his feelings. He tells Billy to go back to the agency and run things until Craig gets back from Chicago where he's returning Sydney's body to her family. Sam starts to tell Craig how sorry she is but he snaps, "I don't want you here! You killed her! Isn't that enough?" Upset, Sam runs off so Billy tells Craig, "You know in your heart you can't blame her" and walks away.

Taylor and Peter are in their hotel room while Peter watches golf on television and Taylor complains about the fact they "haven't done it once" since they've been there. Peter tells her he wants to wait until after their wedding tomorrow but Taylor tries seducing him anyway and in the process spills wine on his shirt. Annoyed, Peter takes off his shirt while Taylor goes to find him a clean one. She opens his suitcase and discovers a bloody shirt so now she's probably hoping someone gets her a really decent washing machine as a wedding present. Peter walks over and asks if she wants to know about the blood but she shakily replies, "You cut yourself shaving, that's all" and if he lost that much blood from a shaving nick then I think it's time he switched to an electric razor because he's obviously not doing it right. Peter tells her he and Michael had a fight over the Chief Of Staff job and that he thinks he gave Michael a bloody nose but he's not sure because, after all, Peter has that Rage Epilepsy thing, right? Taylor just agrees with him but starts to look scared as he solemnly thanks her for pointing out his illness and tells her, "I won't forget it - ever".

We've had a funeral and a guy at a grave site so the one thing left to make this Death Theme complete is - you guessed it - a cremation. Sam and Billy are at the crematorium where her father is about to be cremated. A man tells them it will take about 20 minutes and they can watch through the window if they want - sorta like at the deluxe car wash I guess. As the cremation begins, Sam starts to recount the good ol' days when she was 8 and her father would take her out on the bay on his boat. "But something was wrong with him", she tells Billy, "and now it's in me". Billy tries to convince her otherwise but she continues, "He died but he poisoned me first. He covered me in his hate. He ruined me." And why? "Because I loved him". As she bangs on the window she looks down at her father's burning coffin and shouts, "I loved you! Why did you do that to me?!" and I guess this is all supposed to be deep and meaningful but I just kept thinking how cool it would be if they played "Disco Inferno" ("Burn, baby, burn!")

The following morning Sam is still looking distraught so Billy kisses her goodbye and reminds her she can "call him anytime". After he leaves, Sam calls her mother back in Maryland and warns her the "police will be contacting her soon". She explains how her father escaped from prison and came to see her and tells about the accident that cost him his life. She finishes by telling her mom that she wants to bring her father's ashes home to Maryland but her mother wants nothing more to do with him. Panicked, Sam pleads she doesn't know what to do and feels like it's "all her fault" again but her mother tells her, "I'm sorry - I can't help you" and hangs up.

Matt is in Michael's room telling him about an AIDS research facility in San Francisco he wants to train at and how he needs doctors' signatures on his application and who better to do that than the Chief Of Staff? Without the use of his hands, however, Michael can't sign anything but offers to call the guy in charge over there since it turns out the 2 went to medical school together. Matt is shocked at Michael's offer so Michael explains, "You had the opportunity to train under the most ruthless doctor in California but if you want to be a do-gooder, who am I to stand in your way?" Just then there's a knock at the door so Matt leaves as the guy who was visiting Kimberly's grave earlier walks in wearing a white lab jacket. He introduces himself as Dr. Brett Cooper, a new surgeon who just wanted to stop by and visit the Chief Of Staff. He informs Michael he's having dinner with a hand surgeon from UCLA and offers to mention Michael's case. Naturally, Michael accepts.

Back at the Upstairs Lounge, Kyle and Jennifer - now wearing her official "Tori Spelling Fan Club Yellow Daisy Barrettes" - are doing inventory of the bar. In between counting Jennifer inquires about Amanda's whereabouts and quips, "20 bucks says she dumped you". With precise Melrose timing Amanda walks up at that exact moment and kisses her new boyfriend. Perturbed, Jennifer asks dryly, "Are we working or are you going to mate right in front of me?" Kyle tells her to "go find a case of McBride" which, ironically, is what it appears Amanda just did.

Now for the scene of the week. In a church in Carmel, Taylor walks down the aisle to marry Peter and this wedding must have a Hawaiian theme because her hair is pulled up on top of her head like a big pineapple. The preacher starts the ceremony by mentioning the fact that none of the witnesses there really know Peter or Taylor yet somehow have managed to "come to know the commitment and devotion this couple shares". When he gets to the part about "If anyone here knows a reason why these two should not be married..." Peter startles everyone by saying, "Actually, I think I do." Taylor leans forward and mumbles, "Peter, that's not funny" but Peter insists it's hilarious. He suggests she think about it for a minute and as she does he tells her he knows all about what she and Michael did. "I know about the lies. I know about the drugs. I know about the fake beatings and how you wanted to ruin me... all as part of your sick fantasy to marry your dead sister's husband". As he grabs her and pushes her to the floor he shouts, "You're a joke and it's hard to believe you were ever related to your sister!" Taylor cries for him to "please stop" but he's not finished yet. "You ruined my marriage to Amanda and then you tried to destroy me and now you want me to believe you're carrying my child? That's beyond pathetic! The thought of you being pregnant with my child is enough to make me want to vomit!" Go, Peter, go! He tells her, "I hope you get a ride back to wherever you came from" and storms out of the church, leaving a pathetic Taylor wailing on the floor.

Matt is pushing Michael around the hospital in a wheelchair despite the fact that it's his HANDS that are injured and not his legs or feet. Matt doesn't understand why Michael is so anxious to get to his Chief Of Staff office so Michael explains he "just knows" Peter is bound to come back and settle the score and, besides, he wants to make sure all of Peter's "crap" is out of there. "Oh I see so it's all about wallpaper", Matt comments as he pushes him through the already opened office door. Inside they find Dr. Cooper - "Coop" - waiting to see Michael who quickly tells him, "You need to make an appointment". When Coop informs him that the hand surgeon will gladly see him, Michael's cold attitude instantly warms up as he thanks the new doctor and tells him, "I owe you one". Coop tells him he's looking for a cheap apartment so Michael immediately offers him Matt's apartment. Matt doesn't understand because obviously in his head 2 and 2 don't make 4 so Michael tells him he got the job in San Francisco. Elated, Matt thanks Michael and hugs him which is Coop's cue to leave. Michael tells Matt what a great friend he's been and that he'll miss him and asks, "After you save the world come back and help me corrupt it". Matt agrees before running off to get packing, leaving a handless, wheelchair-bound Michael to sit and make up allowable curse words before shouting for a nurse to come help him.

Back at the apartment, Matt knocks on Amanda's door and, when she doesn't answer, quietly leaves a letter on her door. He pauses on his way back down the stairs and takes a final look around the courtyard so Chelsea asks her uncle if he's OK. Matt explains, "I was just planning on saying goodbye to everyone and nobody's home". Matt pauses and I am thinking the only people he’d really want to say goodbye to are Amanda and Billy anyway. Matt then tells Chelsea, "I have never lived anywhere like this" (no - really?) "It's a special place... amazing people have passed through here... some died, some married and moved on. I'll remember them all - the old and the new." I wipe a tear from my eye as I think of the writer who, realizing the entire cast change in this show, feels like a baton needs to be passed to give the new Melrose Placers some credibility, and thinks Matt’s farewell is the place to do it. He concludes this scene with, "I will always remember this place" - as if he could ever really forget it - "It's where I really grew up". With that he and Chelsea walk out and head for their "new life" in San Francisco - and Matt never gets his kiss.

At the Upstairs Lounge, Taylor approaches Kyle and angrily tells him how his "trampy bartender" (I assume Jennifer) took 2 bottles of liquor from the bar downstairs and how that isn't "kosher". Kyle tells her not to "get her panties in a knot" and promises it won't happen again. He then inquires about Peter so Taylor informs him, "I'm through with him". Amanda walks up to join this happy conversation and upon hearing about Taylor and Peter's split she suggests, "then let's try to see less of each other". Taylor, however, informs Amanda that this might be difficult seeing as how Matt just rented her Jake's old apartment. This appears to be news to Amanda, so Taylor says, "He WAS the manager wasn’t he?" and I’m thinking he was a damn good manager at that, having rented out his old apartment, Jake’s old apartment, and found a place for Jennifer, all in the first 45 minutes of this episode, before he leaves for good. Amanda, despite all the rent money she’s going to make, doesn’t look happy about this but before she and Taylor can really get into it Kyle intervenes and asks Amanda to dance. They snuggle and kiss on the dance floor while a jealous Taylor watches on.

It's 1:06 AM and Billy awakes to find Sam missing from their bed. He finds her in the other room painting frantically and asks if she's OK. She tells him she had a sudden "burst of creative energy" and wanted to get it down on canvas. Kissing Billy, Sam promises to return to bed soon and only after he's gone do we see her latest work of art: a frightening painting of her in her work uniform (they just had to get that uniform in this episode somewhere) engulfed in flames with a man's hand covering her mouth.

Craig is at home in Sydney's old apartment looking at all the wedding gifts when he suddenly flies into an emotional rage, opens the door and starts kicking all the presents in the pool (Pool Boy, if he didn’t leave with the rest of the original cast, should love skimming THOSE out in the morning). Jennifer enters the courtyard and tries to stop Craig when she spots a gift to Craig from Sydney. Opening it, they discover a pocket watch with the inscription, "Time doesn't matter - our love is forever". Kneeling next to Craig, she hands the watch to him and urges him, "Don't destroy this. Treasure it and it will live forever". Craig breaks down and sobs in Jennifer's lap while she holds him and thanks God because this is the closest a man has gotten to her private parts in a long time.

Over at the hospital Michael is sleeping peacefully despite the fact he has a 75 watt light bulb shining directly in his face. Suddenly two hands are around his neck choking him and we soon discover it's Peter - decked out in Rita's (one of Kimberly's alter personalities) old black leather jacket. Peter informs him, "You've got a lot of pain coming your way, Michael, and I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it" before letting go of his neck. As Michael coughs and catches his breath, Peter warns, "I'd stay awake if I were you. You never know who might sneak in" and leaves.

--written by Stacie, edited by Arnie

Megan tells both Peter and Michael they've acted like insane idiots to which Michael replies, "What if that's what we are?"; Craig cries to Jennifer that all he wants to do is hold Sydney again so Jennifer tells him, "You can" and kisses him; Taylor tells Kyle the baby is his and not Peter's but Amanda ain't buying it and threatens to expose Taylor; Kyle warns Amanda, "Taylor loves a good fight" so Amanda tells him, "then maybe she'll get one"; Craig tries to run over Sam with his car while muttering how she's going to die the same way Sydney did.