At Burns-Mancini-Cooper (or whatever it's called) , Megan is answering a phone that rings an awful lot, considering we hardly ever see any of these "Doctors" with "patients". Coop is trying to convince Michael to go to a conference in Santa Barbara. Michael says, "Forget it. These educational junkets bore me to tears. I already know everything I need to know about medicine." Either Michael is overconfident or feels he can hold up his end of the practice by "treating" such patients as Taylor (can you say "Dr. Love"?) but either way that is not a comment I'd like to hear my doctor make. Coop gives a disbelieving "uh-huh" and leaves Michael with the pamphlets. Megan, finished with the brief flurry of calls, comes up to Michael and she says she was on the phone with their therapist who wanted to schedule another couple's therapy session for tomorrow. Michael whines that they just went yesterday, but Megan says "I know, but things went so well I think our relationship is already getting better (after one day?) . Look, now is the time to forge ahead." Michael, who may know all he needs to know about medicine, should obviously brush up on his psychology. He says, "What's the point in rehashing a lot of problems that we've practically worked through?" Megan says the point is to keep working on them to explore their innermost feelings. Horn-dog Michael takes this as an opportunity to bring up sex, asking why they can't work through their emotions in a more intimate environment - the bedroom, but Megan deflects him saying that their therapist will never fall for his "double-talk pillow-talk.", like she does, "Although why, I'll never know." (Why she falls for Michael, or why the therapist does not. You be the judge.) Just then the phone rings again, this time Michael's private line. Michael uses this as an excuse to cut-'n'-run.

In his office Michael answers the phone. It's Taylor who skips the customary "Hello" and shouts "We have to have sex right away!" Michael must have selective amnesia because he says "Who is this?" I find it amazing that a woman with a line like that has trouble getting dates, and that's even more amazing when you check out the skin-tight camisole she's wearing. At first I thought he might be trying to fool Megan, but she is in the other room, too far away to hear anything. "It's Taylor, who do you think?" Taylor asks. "Now when can you do me?" Michael tries - again - to get out of it claiming a Chief of Staff meeting and a full schedule. Taylor barks that the next 48 hours are her "window of fertility" and that Michael has to get her pregnant. Maybe that's why she doesn't get dates, too much pressure, sheesh, even Michael is not a machine. During all of this Megan wanders into Michael's office and says "Do you need me to schedule you something?" Michael goes back to the "patient" excuse, (A patently false excuse since we haven't seen a real patient in this office since Peter was Kimberly's therapist. Couldn't the producers spring for a couple of extras once in a while? I bet it would make a couple of struggling actors really happy and it would make this synopsis a lot shorter too.) Talking to Taylor now Michael says, "We'll work something out. I'll get you in the next day or two," and hangs up, leaving Taylor's lips parted aghast and cordless phone in hand. Hey Taylor, ever think of just calling an escort service, I'm sure it's embarrassing to pay for S-E-X but much less embarrassing than having a child that looks like Michael, or worse, his sister.

Megan then pounces. "You have time for a new patient but not time for a therapy session to save your marriage? I swear, Michael, if your priorities are still this screwed up..." But Michael cuts her off, holding up Coop's Medical conference pamphlet and says he has to go and cancel everything for it, but he and Megan will go to therapy the second he gets back. He leaves her there confused, as am I.... First off, she handles his schedule and should know when he has a conference to attend...and second she was well within earshot when Michael turned the conference down to Coop ...and third, medical conferences aren't like trips to the movies, they have to be planned in advance, they don't just pop up like new actresses in the opening credits. But who are we to bring the harsh light of reality into 'Melrose', the best of all possible worlds?

Back at 4616, Amanda is intruding on Sam and Billy having breakfast. Amanda wants to take Billy to look at their new offices. Sam is shocked that they are so close to finishing the takeover and asks what it means for Craig. "It means I'm going to crush him," Amanda says. "and it serves him right." "Who died and made you cosmic judge?" Sam asks and Amanda replies with a line I'm sure she's used many times before: "Well, the position was open and I just took it." Amanda fills Billy in on her earlier confrontation with Peter and that she has no reason not to believe that Peter is innocent. Billy grumbles about a spy who's "feeding their plans to the other side" but Amanda is confident that Craig is beyond help. (I'm sorry to bring this up, but does anyone else remember that Craig is supposed to be a graduate of the Wharton School of Business? He can't be the complete chucklehead Amanda makes him out to be, can he? Well?) Anyhow, Billy agrees and, as he kisses Sam goodbye, says "It would be nice to know who the traitor is," not realizing he is kissing the traitor goodbye. As they leave Sam looks on with a stare...is that guilt in her face? Anger? Remorse? Heartburn? Only she (and possibly her hairdresser) knows for sure.

Coop returns to Burns-Mancini-Cooper and Megan hands him the phone saying "Your ex-wife...again." Coop finally gives in and talks to the "shrew," who is named Lexi, (Look! it's that new actress from the opening credits) and is demanding a look at Coop's financial records. When Coop claims to be as forthcoming as possible with his finances, Lexi says she is "forthcoming to Los Angeles" in the morning (both of them need to get a dictionary and look up "forthcoming"). Coop, who is about as bright as he looks, (that is too say, "not very") gloats that he will be in Santa Barbara at the conference for the weekend, and Lexi says "The Biltmore, I love that place." Coop, that sly devil, says, "I know. That's why I'm staying at the Regency." "Fine, I'll meet you there." She snaps and hangs up. Now Coop's brain kicks in and he gets Peter to take his place at the conference. Peter agrees to go to get away from the whole Amanda thing.

Thanks to the magic of television, in the next scene we are taken to the future home of "Amanda Woodward Advertising"...which looks like "D&D" painted pink with a frosted glass-brick wall in the middle. Great, hers and his ad agencies...Craig's baby blue, Amanda's pastel pink. I miss the boring beige of Dumb and Dumber compared to these newborn baby gift colors. "The leasing agent says we can occupy by Monday." Amanda says. Billy, rubbing his hands like a villain in some 40's film noir says "It shouldn't be a problem getting it furnished over the weekend." ("How are you going to do that Billy? Build some furniture out of Legos?" I shout, but he just ignores me and continues talking to Amanda.) As they prattle on, Craig comes into the room. How they missed him in an empty office suite I'll never know. He must have hidden behind the frosted glass wall. It turns out Craig leased the offices out from under Amanda, at 10% above market price (maybe the curriculum at Wharton isn't as tough as I thought). To Amanda, Billy, and Craig, this seems like a real coup, but I don't get it, now he has two offices, no employees and two leases to pay. Amanda pulls out her cell phone (yes, observant ones, it is the most expensive and smallest Motorola you can buy) and threatens Craig saying "wait until my lawyers get through with you." So now it's illegal to rent the space? Craig seems confident (renting the offices must be a misdemeanor) and says he has his bankers all lined up and has offered the clients deals Amanda can't match, so she might as well bow out gracefully. So he is in debt, and charging so little that he can't have much profit. (I'm starting to think that I must be wrong about Wharton, it must be a beauty school. I mean look at Craig's hair, always perfect, regardless of the state of his business.) Billy says "I don't think you've earned your bragging rights yet, Craig." Craig offers Billy one last chance to return to Sky High "at lower salary, of course." Billy decides to stay where he is, however, causing Craig to say "That's why you'll always be a second banana, Campbell." You know, Billy could have his own advertising company, and somehow, he would still be the second banana - it's in his genes. Meanwhile Amanda's on the phone to her fairy godfather, Eric, asking for more money and for help taking care of Craig. Eric says he'll see what he can do and "bring some pressure to bear," promising everything will be taken care of the second they're off the phone. Amanda hangs up, a smug grin on her face. Billy says, "What was that all about?" Amanda replies, "Having the best man in your corner...nothing beats it."

That night in the moodily lit offices of Sky High Advertising, Craig is sitting on a couch looking at a coffee table when Jennifer strolls in sporting her latest Shirly Temple hairdo. That must be why Craig wants the pink office - Sky High has no locks! Jen offers Craig a hand and he grumbles, "It's just paperwork." "But why are you so grumpy?" she asks in her best Shirley Temple pouty voice (to me he's closer to Dopey) and if someone doesn't put a brush through that girl's hair soon I'm going to scream. Craig replies he's had some "setbacks" today, his backers getting scared, and he doesn't know where the setbacks are coming from or who to trust, so apparently Amanda's phone call paid off. "Me," Jennifer coos. "You know to trust me." He agrees. Jennifer goes to get him a cup of coffee, rambling on about needing help, saying what he needs to do is get out the perfume or cover himself in "a beautiful friend." (I'll take a bottle of "White Shoulders" please.) She continues rambling down this twisted, illogical path, but when she gets back with the coffee Craig has fallen asleep (with her going on like that? I think he's faking until she goes away). She covers him in his jacket and smiles hungrily as he sleeps.

It's night time in the courtyard. Billy comes home to find Sam rummaging through a closet. When he asks her what she's doing, Sam says she's reorganizing her closet. "I always do that when I want to start my life over and make a new beginning." Billy seems happy for her, glad she's pulling "out of her funk," but Sam isn't done yet. Out of the blue, she comes clean and tells Billy that she is the spy...she told Craig about their takeover plans. Billy is shocked and in disbelief (oh, wait...that's the expression Andrew Shue ALWAYS has on his face). "You're supposed to be on my side." He says. "Why did you purposefully ruin everything for me?" Sam says, "I was just trying to bring you all together, and you can still do it. You and Amanda and Craig, you can form a new agency, all running it together, that way nobody wins and loses." Sheesh Sam, what show do you think you're on "Full House"? This is "Melrose Place" get real! If everyone could get together and run the agency this show would have been canceled the year Rhonda left, and that would be that. As she spouts off this Pollyanna nonsense, Billy strokes his chin, another surprisingly old movie-like mannerism. "Stop it! This is my life you're playing with! I could end up with nothing out of this!" Sam says "You would have me," and Billy replies, "Oh, great! We'll go get a job at the supermarket together." A low blow and, yet, so accurate. Sam says "At least we would still be together," but Billy says "You have no clue what you've done" and stalks off as if he already had that job at Ralph's and there was a cleanup in aisle five.

In Santa Barbara, Peter and Michael are at the conference. Michael asks Peter if he wants to go to a "gluteoplasty" (whatever) seminar together, but Peter declines saying he's playing golf that afternoon "but, by all means, take good notes." Michael walks off, staring at his bandaged hands, trying to figure out how to write. But since he's figured out how to dress himself, including how to tie a tie I bet he'll figure it out. Behind Michael, Lexi is talking to the registration people, looking for Coop. The registration lady says Dr. Cooper is still registered for the conference but hasn't shown up yet. "Can I give him a message?" the registration lady asks. "No you may not." Lexi replies haughtily and storms away bumping right into Peter. Peter says Lexi sounds in need of help. "Is there anything I can do?" he asks. Lexi says, "I doubt it" and walks off. I was hoping she was going to say; "You may not." but I guess two grammatical corrections in one scene would have made her seem cold and arrogant.

Coop and Megan are having lunch at Kyle's (I guess "Shooters" is a Laundromat by now). "My ex-wife is quite unattractive, both inside and out," Coop says and, having just seen Lexi, I think he's lying. He goes on to lament more about his failed marriage. Megan, now an expert in psychoanalysis after only one session (isn't it incredible what a person can learn?), asks Coop if he tried therapy. Coop says he did, then turns the conversation around, talking about Megan and Michael seeing a therapist. Megan says she thought things were going well but that she fears Michael is backsliding, canceling therapy to go to the conference. When Coop says Michael should have taken Megan with him to the conference, Megan said he was afraid she'd say no. "I do that a lot lately." Coop asks how long Megan and Michael have been having problems and Megan says "Since before Kimberly died." A-HA! Now Coop is where he wants to be. He asks how Kimberly died, and Megan tells him of the brain aneurysm. When he asks if Michael oversaw the operation, Megan says "No, Kimberly refused surgery." Coop says, "A good doctor never would have accepted that; the aneurysm probably clouded her judgment... but then I guess giving bad medical advice is one way to back out of a relationship." Megan, sensing Coop's accusation, says "Michael loved Kimberly, and so did I." Coop says, "You were friends?" and Megan tells him Kimberly introduced her to Michael. Coop says "She generated strong feelings wherever she went." Yeah... ell that to the inmates of the mental institution she hijacked. Coop changes the topic asking of the conference starts today and Megan says it does and that she is going to go up there and surprise Michael. "Life is short," she says and Coop replies "Unless you're the one left behind. Then the days can just drag on." Ahem, it's time for another narrative related tangent, didn't Kimberly die of an inoperable brain tumor?

At "Upstairs", some white guys play some really bad blues music while Kyle goes to the bar to talk to Jennifer. "So, I hear Amanda's playing dirty pool against Craig," Jennifer says. Kyle asks who told her that and she said Craig did and that Amanda was going after Craig like "a blonde ninja." Kyle says, "Amanda is no assassin, just a very good businesswoman." Jennifer concedes that possibility, then hits Kyle's sore spot. "Craig says that she's got this secret partner. I just wonder what his moral code is like." she says. Just then Amanda comes up to the bar. Kyle says he heard Amanda has "taken off the gloves with this thing with Craig." Amanda coldly replies, "Business is business. If Craig wants to play hard ball he's got to learn to take the fast pitches." (Who wrote this episode? I can't decide what's worse, some of this episode's dialogue or this horrible jazz music in the background.) Craig, drunk and overhearing this, comes over to Amanda and says, "Oh, I took them okay... right between the eyes." Craig then goes on to tell Amanda she won and how her "big-time New York boyfriend" forced Craig's banks to all pull out. Getting a sharp look from Kyle, Amanda says "He's not my boyfriend." "No?" Craig asks, "Personal loan officer then? So what do you owe him? Or did you pay him already? You took that little trip to New York, did ya?" Kyle has heard all he can and pushes Craig back, yelling for an employee to call Craig a cab. Craig says he'd rather walk so Amanda suggests, "Try not to chew gum at the same time." Jennifer rushes around the bar and, leading Craig out, says to Amanda, "Why not? Did you hire someone to break his teeth too?" Jennifer and Craig leave and Kyle says to Amanda, "So tell me, what exactly did happen in New York?" "Exactly nothing," Amanda replies. "Craig is just taking wild shots, which is what I'd expect from a loser like him." Even Kyle seems offended by this and says "He's a human being, Amanda. Have a little compassion." I was hoping she would say "He's not a human being he's a "Baywatch" automaton." But she didn't, she looked wistfully away, thinking....

Back at a restaurant that isn't Kyle's, (wow, two restaurants, L.A. must be a pretty big town) Billy and Sam are having dinner. Sam asks what was so important that Billy couldn't tell her over the phone, and Billy, giddy with success, gurgles that the takeover went through and he's now the number two man at the number one agency in L.A. Samantha says she's happy for him but, as you would expect from the spy, she asks where this leaves Craig. I guess there is a special bond that grows between two people when one of them has tried to run the other one over. Asking about Craig was obviously not the right response as Billy gets pissy and says, "Unemployed I guess. He's a big boy. I think he'll do O.K." Sam apologizes and says, "Please don't take my concern the wrong way. I wasn't trying to hurt you, I never wanted to hurt anybody." (She's going to have a harder time fitting into "Melrose" than I thought) Billy accepts the apology. Sam asks, "You really forgive me?" and Billy says, "Of course I do. I love you." Sam melts and says, "Promise me you'll never leave me." Billy smiles and says, "I'm not going anywhere. I'm here because I want to be, because I want to be with you, because I want... I want you to be my... I want you to be my..." Stupidly, Sam interrupts asking what he wants her to be, expecting the word "wife", a huge smile on her face, but Billy backpedals and says, "I want you to be there for me. I want us to be there for each other." Man, Sam should have kept her mouth shut. Clearly Billy was going to pop the question, and, even though he is a bore at least she could have quit her job at the "A+P" and traded in that polyester uniform for long "talks" with Poolboy, if you know what I mean...

Michael is having a drink at the bar when a hotel employee comes up and tells Michael that his wife is in his room waiting for him. Thinking Megan finally came around, Michael rushes off to his room. Not two feet from where Michael just stood, Lexi is having a drink. Peter walks in and, spotting Lexi, stands next to her at the bar. "Anything I can do now?" he asks. "If you're a doctor I don't even want to know you," Lexi replies. Peter chuckles and says, "Well you came to the wrong hotel on the wrong weekend." "This isn't the Bombay Polo Club?" Lexi teases and Peter says, "I'm afraid not, but they do make a pretty terrific gin and tonic here. For medicinal purposes, of course." (Wow, I wish I could make a good gin and tonic, but I always forget the ingredients.) Lexi doesn't smile at his joke so Peter tries another approach. Leaning in he sniffs his nose, not unlike a basset hound with a cold, and says, "Chanel Number 5." "'Obsession.'" Lexi corrects, and Peter says, "I mean 'Obsession.' I've been there." Lexi seems to find this clumsy persistence endearing (or maybe it's the suspenders) and she says, "I'm over mine." Peter, sounding like the master of bad pick-up lines, says, "I'm so glad. Now I know you have space in your life for me." Peter asks if he can buy Lexi a drink and she says, "No, but you can take me to your room and make love to me all night." Peter seems unsettled, saying, "I thought that was supposed to be my line." "No, your line," she says, "is 'I've been waiting for you my while life.'" Peter, seeing the night of sex ahead, would probably say anything to get her clothes off, so he leans in and, with as much sincerity as he can muster, says, "I've been waiting for you my while life. Hello, my name is - " but she cuts him off. "No. No names. Not even first names." Ooh, a mystery woman. Peter nods, and from the look on his face, he's either intrigued, turned on, or Sam's heartburn is catching.

While Peter becomes entangled with a woman of mystery Michael is being ensnared by a woman with far more pressing psychological issues. He rushes into his hotel palazzo (it seems gratuitously spacious) and shouts for Megan but gets no response. Upstairs he hears the shower running and, with a cat-that-ate-the-canary grin, he goes into the bathroom. "Party time!" he announces as he pulls back the shower curtain. Michael and I both scream. Michael because it was not Megan behind the shower curtain, but Taylor. I knew it would be Taylor, not Megan, in the shower but I scream because, naked and wet, Taylor is remarkably unattractive, it's all lips and dangerously sharp looking teeth and frankly I feared for Michael's life here. I mean some animals kill their partner after they mate right? Taylor smiles a hungry smile and says, "Come on, baby, I've got the shower all warmed up for you." Michael says, "I thought you were Megan." "Do I look like Megan?" Taylor asks. No, having seen Megan swimming at the apartments a couple weeks ago, I can say Megan looks much better when wet. Michael asks what Taylor is doing there and Taylor, once again, complains about her "fertility window" and that she got the room right down the hall so they could have sex that weekend. Ahem, sorry to interrupt at this critical juncture but this means Taylor told the hotel that she was Michael's wife (so they would let her into the room) and that she needed a room of her own? I thought that kind of 'swinging' went out with the bean bag chair. Michael again says "No." to Taylor's advances, but Taylor pulls him, fully clothed, into the shower with her. "Watch out!" Michael screams. "I can't get my bandages wet." (Gee Michael, aren't you worried about your shoes, your wallet, your watch?) In response Taylor does the stupidest thing I can remember seeing on this show (and that's saying a lot). She points her fingers, making her hands into "guns", into Michael's chest and says in a spaghetti western drawl, "Just keep your hands up, pardner, and no one's gonna get hurt." Then she leans in and envelopes Michael's whole face with her lips. I think the writer's have developed a real distaste for Taylor, but I'm not sure why.

In Peter's room, Peter seems to be trying to envelope Lexi's face with his undersized lips, (guess he's used to mating with Taylor) but he doesn't have the collagen for it. Mid-kiss, Lexi sighs and pushes Peter away. "I don't do things like this," she says, changing her mind. I was hoping "Melrose" was hopping on the "Ellen" bandwagon and Lexi was going to announce her preference for women, but no instead some moody film-noirish music starts up and she confesses; "I've only been with one man in my entire life." Peter starts to laugh at this line but, seeing the look in Lexi's face, believes her. Peter, horny and pissed, says, "I know EXACTLY who you are. You come from a lot of money. And it's summers at the Vineyard but it's a bore. And you think you should adopt another charity, and your degree is from Smith, or is it Bennington? But you don't do much with it. And you definitely don't do this kind of thing." Sorry for sounding like a snob but this is a pretty ritzy life for someone from Cleveland (no offense to Cleveland). And Peter just really doesn't know that a sentence should have a subject and a predicate part in it. "No, no, no, never this." Peter continues, "Except sometimes late at night when you can't sleep and you wonder what you're waiting for." Wow, this is like a scene from "The Big Sleep"; I was disappointed the colors didn't fade out to black and white. Lexi, not to be outdone comes back with, "I know who you are too. You're the prep schools and the country clubs and the over-achieving that was never quite enough. (And sentence after sentence that begins with the word "and") And you never do anything that you weren't good at: golf, surgery..." Peter finds it necessary to add "sex" to that list. Well hello Mr. Goodbar! "I also know that some woman must've torn your heart into a thousand pieces." Lexi continues. Peter corrects her by saying "Two women actually. One of them's been dead for five years, but your tormentor's still very much alive isn't he?" Lexi loses this battle of the near-psychic insights and, on the verge of tears, says, "I trusted him. I opened myself to him, every hidden, tender corner of my soul. He just disregarded me like a bad meal (what did he do, try to send her back to the kitchen?), like it didn't matter how much I hurt. Being with you in some anonymous hotel room is just cheap, and it's not me." I wonder if she would have felt the same way if she'd been in Michael's super-deluxe suite? Peter, not giving up, says, "There's nothing cheap about the way I feel right now." In Beverly Hills those feelings my not be cheap but in L.A. he can probably work through those feelings for $50 - where's Sydney when you need her? Lexi says she'll call Peter in his room the next morning and leaves. Still no names....

The next morning at the hotel pool, Peter walks over to Michael and says, "Did you see me here with a woman last night?" Michael, paranoid, says, "No - did you see ME with a woman?" A hotel employee comes over and says, "I have a message for a Doctor ...." Peter cuts him off, forgetting he and Lexi don't know each other's names, and says "Burns." The employee says, "I'm sorry, it's for Dr. Mancini. It's your wife, doctor. She's waiting for you up in your room." Unexcited, Michael says, "Again? Okay, I'm on my way. See you later, Peter." Evidently "Dr. Love" makes housecalls. Michael leaves but Peter continues his search for the mysterious woman of unrealized all-night sex. Going over to the morning bartender Peter says, "Do you remember seeing me with a woman last night?" "You bet I do." the bartender says, smiling at Peter. So was the bartender following Peter around all night? Gay subplots abound now that Matt's gone. "You wouldn't happen to know her name, would you?" Peter asks and the bartender says, "I wish I did." "So do I, my friend, so do I," Peter says. Michael walks into his suite, a lost look on his face. He sighs and goes upstairs, where the shower is once again running. "What do you think I am, some kind of love machine?" Michael asks as he pulls open the curtain to find Megan, who coos, "Mmm...I sure do." Michael says, "Megan! What a surprise." and smiles (obviously because Megan DOES look more attractive naked and wet than Taylor does, but then, so does cinnamon toast). Megan says she came because of Michael's progress in therapy, and invites Michael to join her in the shower. Just at that time the door of the suite opens and Taylor shouts, "Michael! I'm here!" Megan doesn't hear this because of the shower water, but Michael does. "Babe," Michael says to Megan, "I'll wait for you in the bedroom," and leaves Megan to shower. Michael runs downstairs into Taylor's waiting arms. Taylor wastes no time once again trying to kiss Michael on the lips, but Michael uses his arms to push her away. "Michael, what are you doing?" Taylor asks as she struggles to kiss him. Michael, pushing Taylor out the door, says, "Shhh. Megan's in the bathroom." As Michael shuts the door in Taylor's face, Taylor says, "Well what about me?" Seeing that didn't work she screams, "What about my ovulatory cycle?" Michael slams the door. Yep, Taylor definitely offended the writers somehow, maybe she cut in front of one of them in the buffet line.

At the "His" ad agency, Craig is on the phone with "George," one of his backers, saying he understands "No one could have withstood that kind of pressure." Craig hangs up and tells Jennifer (packing Sky High into boxes) that his last backer bailed out. Jennifer asks Craig why he's being so nice to his backers who backed out on him at the first sign of trouble, and Craig says, "Cuz you never know who you might need someday." "Isn't that the truth?" Amanda says as she barges in (like I said, no locks). Craig asks if Amanda came to gloat, but Amanda says she came to apologize. "I said and did some things that I'm not terribly proud of, and I wanted to say 'I'm sorry.'" Jennifer says, "I think you have a lot of nerve coming in here." Amanda again picks up the line and says, "And Craig showed a lot of nerve by putting up the kind of fight that he did." Amanda then offers Craig a high level job (Higher than sitting in a lifeguard chair? I doubt it.) as an executive at the "Hers" agency (aww, Polyanna, I mean Sam, was right). "What's the matter, Amanda? Trying to save your soul?" Jennifer asks, fighting yet ANOTHER one of Craig's fights for him. Amanda says, "No, just making a peace offering from someone who doesn't have to offer. What do you say, Craig?" Craig, Jennifer unable to answer for him, handles himself nicely by saying, "I'm saying you must be kidding because I wouldn't work for a snake like you if you were the last one on this earth" (the last what? The last snake, the last peroxide blonde, the last Special Guest Star?) Jennifer misses the lost "last one" comment and cheers, "Go Craig!" As I was retching at Jennifer's puppy-dog loyalty, Amanda re-offered the job in case Craig changed his mind, as if Craig's mind works quickly enough to change in one scene. Craig says, "You know what's going to happen to you someday, Amanda? I'll crush you flatter than spit. Might not be next year, might be 20 years from now, so you better keep your eyes open because the day that I show up for pay back is the day that you're gonna fall." Hey, Craig, a tip: You should hurry before she pulls a Josie Bissett and takes maternity leave, never to be seen again. Amanda sighs, "Whatever," and leaves. However, it's a pretty good bet what the 'Melrose' ten year anniversary show will be like.

Michael and Megan are drinking wine in bed at the hotel. Megan says that she has not totally forgiven Michael yet, but in light of recent developments she is willing to call a truce. She says their therapist said since Michael did "so well with the exercise not to lie for 48 hours that he thinks we should try extending it for a whole week." Michael says it's fine by him, that he'll call it a "no-lie" zone if it will get Megan back. They kiss and agree not to lie and quicker than you can say "ovulatory cycle" Michael is forced to lie. The phone rings and Michael answers to hear Taylor say "You can't put me off any longer, Michael. Your place or mine?" Michael hangs up and (bzzzt) tells Megan it was his answering service and he needs to call the ICU. He says he'll make the call from downstairs so not to ruin the romantic mood he and Megan have set. He goes downstairs and calls Taylor who demands, in an incredibly kittenish and seductive way (not), that he get his "butt among other things" over to her room. Michael tells her not to call while Megan is around. Taylor tells Michael that he better not be "wasting your manly essence on a wife who doesn't even want to get pregnant." (I bet Taylor will think twice before she parks in some writer's space on the old "Melrose Place" parking lot.) Michael says he's trying to save his marriage, so Taylor resorts to blackmail. "If you don't walk through my door and have me this instant, I'm going to walk through your door and I'm going to tell Megan everything. Now, which door do you think is going to save your marriage?" Taylor hangs up and Michael goes back upstairs to Megan. In a fake accident Michael knocks over their standing champagne holder, knocking the bottle and the ice onto the floor. Despite Megan's protests, Michael insists on getting more ice so the evening can be perfect, leaving a frustrated and confused Megan holding two glasses of champagne, not to mention a bucket of ice melting into the carpet. Michael runs, literally, to Taylor's room. Taylor opens the door and, grabbing at Michael's crotch, she says, "Ooh, she got you all ready for me." Michael says, "We gotta do this fast." Taylor kisses him and says, "Fast is your specialty." Ouch! Michael then says they have to also get in the shower, he needs to soap down fast too. "Soaping down is my specialty." Taylor says breathlessly between kisses. (If I were her I would definitely send a candygram to the writer's offices.)

At "Upstairs" the same lame blues band is playing the same lame blues and, again, Kyle is talking to Jennifer at the bar. Kyle remarks that it is a slow night (could it be that wretched band? Nawww) Jennifer, at work, is writing a letter to her mother. Jennifer can write? I guess she learned something at Boston College after all. Kyle asks Jennifer to tell Mrs. Mancini that he says "Hi." "My mom hates you," Jennifer says. "Then tell her hate is a non-productive emotion." Jennifer uses that to change the subject informing Kyle that Amanda offered Craig a high-level (Sky-High?) job. "You been giving her Zen lessons too?" Jennifer asks, but Kyle ignores the sarcasm, happy that Amanda would do that. "You have to give the devil her due." He says. "Huh?" I say. Then Kyle asks Jennifer to close up for him so he can visit Amanda, and leaves.

Precisely 58 seconds since we've seen Michael last, he slips out of Taylor's room and sprints down the hall, looking tired and sore. He barely has the energy to climb up the stairs to his bedroom, ice bucket in hand. He says "Hi baby," between gasps for air but Megan is silent. Michael makes up some lie (bzzzt) about having to go down four floors to find ice and, when he did, he spilled it again and he had to go back down for more. Megan , flipping through a magazine and eating bon bons like an upscale Peg Bundy, says, "That's all right, I'm not in the mood any more anyway." Michael says, "Oh, I understand completely. I made a mess of this whole night, didn't I? I wouldn't blame you if you just wanted to turn out the light and go to sleep." Megan seems fine with that idea until Michael touches her arm with his bandaged hand. Megan asks why the bandage is wet, and Michael says it was from him getting the ice and he couldn't keep the bandages dry. Megan is impressed that he went through so much trouble to keep their champagne cool (and their carpet soggy), and says "C'mere" and pulls him on top of her kissing his lips she says, "I just love starting from scratch with you," and Michael looks in pain as we fade to commercial.

Michael is in the Chief of Staff office when Taylor comes in. Michael jumps back saying, "No, no, no, no, Taylor, please, no sex. I'm tapped dry, please." Wow, begging NOT to have sex, the total opposite of MY life. Taylor says, "That's just it. You don't have to perform anymore. It happened. I'm with child." This strikes me as an incongruously demure way to announce her expectations considering a few scenes ago she was screaming about her ovaries in a hotel corridor, but "Inconsistency" not to mention "Insanity" seem to be Taylor's new watchwords. Michael says, "How do you know?" and Taylor says, "A woman just senses these things." Michael chuckles and says it's medically impossible for her to know, that it would take 2 weeks for anything to show up on tests, but Taylor insists, "I could feel the moment of conception. Anyway, I just came by to thank you for all of your hard work," no pun intended, I'm sure. Taylor continues "Making love with you was pretty fabulous." Michael starts to get cocky (again, no pun intended) and, looking smug, he says, "Well, I can't say that love had anything to do with it but I do my best." Taylor says that was what made it so good, that there were no emotions or attachments. "You can just focus on the mechanics without all those distracting feelings. So, bravo, Mr. Mechanics" and she leaves Michael there, again speechless.

It's morning in the courtyard and the camera is swinging across the sparkling blue pool and up to Sam and Billy's door. Inside, Sam is bringing Billy breakfast in bed. "This is great," Billy says, and Sam says, "No, you're great." Then she spills the breakfast all over the bed. If she loses her job at the grocery store she should NOT follow in her mother's footsteps of waitressing. Even with the mess Sam can't stop laughing in fact she jumps up and down so much she reminded me of a character from "Ren and Stimpy", I wanted to shout "Stop jumping up and down you bloated sack of protoplasm." in a fake Mexican accent, but I didn't. That would have been rude. Anyway, Billy asks what's going on. Sam spouts nonsense about wanting to tell him this for the past couple of days, but Billy says, "Tell me what?" Sam jumps into the mess on the bed and announces, "We're gonna get married." Not noticing Billy's look (either disturbed, confused, or more heart-burn) Sam rambles on that she knew he wanted to ask her to marry him the other night, but after thinking about it she wants to be his wife. She kisses him and Billy just says, "Marriage?" Not getting it, Sam continues to glow and says, "I've just never done this before." Billy repeats, "Marriage? That's like a big step." Still oblivious Sam says, "I know, it's huge," and giggles. Resorting to bluntness, Billy says, "Honey, I can't do this." Sam, even still oblivious, says, "What do you mean?" Billy says, "I'm flattered of course, and I love you, but I'm feeling like totally out on a limb starting this new agency. Everything's up in the air, our life is completely unstable." Sam interrupts, "You mean I'm unstable." Yes, and this cartoonish behavior is proof of that, but Billy denies it. "I don't know what tomorrow's gonna bring. The agency could fold. I just think we need to be cautious for a while." Finally realizing it, Sam says, "You don't want to marry me." Trying to cover up Ren (I mean Billy) says, "I know we're going to get married some day, I just think we need to wait a while. I'm going through a crazy time right now." Seeing the hurt on Sam's face, Billy says, "I love you." "No problem," she replies and walks off.

Kyle is at "Kyle's" to talk to Taylor about "Upstairs'" menu for tonight. Kyle remarks that Taylor is in a chipper mood and Taylor, dressed in a modest bare-midriff maternity outfit from the "Cher" collection at "Frederick's of Hollywood" says, "I felt the baby today. You wanna feel?" Kyle declines but Taylor says, "Come on. It's your baby too. Feel it," and slaps his hand on her naked stomach. Kyle, winning an award for beating Jake in stupidity, smiles foolishly - as if he felt something in Taylor's stomach (maybe Taylor had gas, or is her Egg Mcmuffin shifting towards her small intestine, I wish there was a doctor I could ask?) At that moment, Amanda walks in. "Oh, Amanda," Taylor says, "would you like to feel Kyle's baby too?" Amanda says, "No thanks." Kyle tries to leave with Amanda, but Taylor says, "I just think the miracle of pregnancy is something that every woman should experience. You outta try it, Amanda. It makes you - how can I say it - a real woman." Amanda and Kyle leave, but I'm laughing that this speech about pregnancy is being given to the pregnant member of the cast. And judging from Taylor's appearance, collagen injections are what make her feel like a "real woman."

At his office back in L.A., Peter finds Coop fighting with his ex-wife about money. Mid-argument Coop says to Peter, "I'm sorry, you two haven't met. Peter Burns, Lexi Sterling." Recognition crosses both Lexi and Peter's faces but they shake hands and say "nice to meet you." Lexi says she has to leave and Coop sarcastically says, "So soon?" Lexi turns to Coop and says, "I'm staying at the Royal Beach Hotel, room 254." She turns, walking past Peter out the door she says, "Stay in touch," and I'm not sure which doctor she intended it for. Coop sighs, "What a hag" and walks off, but Peter looks off longingly after Lexi. I bet he's thinking, "Finally, a woman with as much venom and hatred as Amanda. I must have her."

At the "Hers" agency, Kyle, Billy, and Amanda are taking ownership of the new offices. "I'm sure we'll be happy here for a very long time," Amanda says (how many more episodes does she have left? Since her midriff is surprisingly covered we'll have to rely on "The National Enquirer" to answer that question). Billy, showing the American work ethic, asks if he can leave early (their first day??) because Sam has been having a lot of ups and downs (man is she still jumping around the apartment?). Amanda lets Billy go home giving him a list of huge tasks to complete before he leaves. Left alone, Kyle turns to Amanda and says, "I am very proud of you and I love you." Amanda puts her arms around his neck and says, "I couldn't have done it without your support." Just as they are about to go all kissy face Eric interrupts saying, "Or without mine, I might add," and walks into the office. Amanda is surprised to see him but introduces Eric to Kyle. Amanda asks if he's out in L.A. on business and Eric says, "Yes, and I like what I saw, so I'm going to move out." He tells Amanda he has moved to Los Angeles to stay, then leaves Amanda looking shocked and Kyle looking worried. "How long until "Silk Stalkings: The Movie" goes into production" he's probably wondering.

That night Coop is sitting at a desk on the phone with Ms. Shaw, Kimberly's mother, who is sitting in front of almost every head shot Marcia Cross has ever done. How did Kimberly have time to pose for all those photos between Medical School and her coma? Ms. Shaw said she was worried about Coop when she found out he left Cleveland. Coop tells Ms. Shaw that he's moved to L.A. and is in a practice with Michael Mancini. Ms. Shaw is horrified and warns Coop not to get involved with Michael saying, "That is what killed Kimberly." Coop tells Ms. Shaw not to worry, that he has everything under control. Picking up a random framed picture of Kimberly (I think it's from the "Miss Ohio" pageant, 1986) , Ms. Shaw says, "That's what my daughter thought too, but once you get caught up in that man's webs, you can never break free." Coop says, "I've got a few webs of my own, Ms. Shaw" and hangs up without saying "Goodbye." Wait, Coop has webs? Between his toes? Wasn't Patrick Duffy "The Man from Atlantis?"

Billy returns home shouting, "Hey Sam, are you home? I'm gonna take you out for the best dinner you've ever had!" Aww, honey, dining IN at Burger King again? Billy then finds the note and reads aloud, "Dear Billy: I hope this makes your life more stable. Goodbye. Love, Sam." Billy opens a closet door to find Sam's clothes are gone, Billy shouts "Sammy" and then, throwing his head back he growls like a werewolf. I don't know why - maybe to promote "An American Werewolf in Paris." One more second and I'm sure fur would have sprouted from his hands, but I really don't know. He's been behaving strangely this whole episode. It's like he's finally decided to 'act' but has no idea how.

At the "Royal Beach Hotel", Peter knocks on Lexi's door. Lexi opens and Peter walks right in. "I'm Peter," he says. "I'm Lexi," she says, and then, kissing wildly, they fall to the floor. But not before Lexi can flash a wicked smile towards the camera, will she devour him or just break him. Stay tuned....

--written by Arnie and Lee, edited by Stacie