Starting the festivities is Taylor who is at the jazz club to greet Kyle at the buttcrack of noon with a "Christmas miracle". Scrooge doesn't believe in miracles because, after all, if he did this show might have better writers. The miracle turns out to be Jon Secada who is onstage singing the longest and slowest version of "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" ever known to man. However, Kyle is delighted to see him and as he smiles I quickly realize it's been over a month since we last saw his teeth. As the song drags on, Kyle starts to reminisce about the good times he had with Amanda - all three minutes of it. The song ends and Jon, who turns out to be an old friend of the McBride's, comes down to the bar to chat with Taylor and Kyle. Taylor tells him how they lost the Boston restaurant and need to make some large "balloon" payment on the jazz club or they'll lose their mortgage. Despite Kyle's protests, she suggests they get Jon to do a special Christmas Eve performance the following evening and charge a cover so they can make tons o' bucks. Jon, who seems completely enthralled with Taylor, quickly agrees and asks where the phone is so he can call his band. As Taylor directs him to a pay phone on the wall, I wonder how much of a friend this guy really is if she won't even let him use the office phone. Or maybe Eric had that shut off too.

It's a beautiful new day at the Narcotic Condo where, not only are Peter and Lexi dressed, they aren't slobbering all over each other either. In fact, it seems quite the opposite as Ms. Paranoia immediately accuses Peter of "staring at her" because he's so amazed she can make it 5 minutes without taking a pill. Peter denies her accusation and explains that last week was a rough week for both of them and then gives her an early Christmas present - I hope he's not giving her Jon Secada, too! Nope, it turns out to be 2 tickets to Cabo for a sailing vacation and, given the bad history of boats on this show, I think he should have stuck to a land-only trip. There's a knock at the door so Peter "gets it on his way out" and what he gets - as well as all the rest of us - is a face full of Jennifer's cleavage. She ooh's and aah's about how his condo is very "Man On The Prowl" and quickly takes it back when she sees Lexi standing there. Again, Jennifer starts whining about how bad her relationship is with Craig and before we have to listen to this rehash there's another knock at the door. Lexi excuses herself saying, "Peter must have forgotten something" and if it's Peter then why the hell is he knocking on his own front door? It's not like he doesn't have a key. Besides, he didn't lock the door on the way out, either. Obviously no one else thinks of these things because Lexi seems genuinely surprised to see Coop standing there with her alimony check. Keeping the theme of redundancy, Coop starts spewing about how he has to live in a "tiny apartment" while she gets to live in the marina with all his money which he refuses to hand-deliver anymore. She reminds him that he has 5 more years of payments to make and, in addition, if he wins his case against Michael she's entitled to half of the profits. Never one to miss another's conversation, Jennifer listens intently as the ex-Bickerson's verbally duke it out. Exasperated, Coop tells Lexi she's a "parasite" and storms off.

At AWA, Billy is trying to coax Sam away from work so they can go pick out their "first Christmas tree together". What a sap... (ha! GET IT?) Sam, however, is unable to go because she's "swamped" with work and asks if they can go tomorrow. Billy starts to get annoyed as he notes, "This IS tomorrow" and worries that there won't be any trees left by the time they get there. Connie wanders out and adds fuel to the fire by bringing up her lameass ex-boyfriend Charlie saying how he used to do the same thing every year by waiting until the last minute so the only tree left was the scrawny one. Hmmm... I wonder if Charlie's last name was BROWN... Sam sighs and tells Connie to go with Billy to pick out the tree. Naturally, Psycho Hose Beast is all too willing to oblige but Billy would rather go with his wife. Connie then suggests that they go pick out the tree so he and Sam can decorate it the following evening. Sam thinks it's a wonderful idea so Billy reluctantly agrees.

Megan goes to Coop's apartment and asks, "As my doctor and my boss I was wondering if I could return to work." Coop agrees to let her start working half-days starting tomorrow so she thanks him and walks away. Sensing something else is bothering her, Coop walks out into the courtyard and asks just that. Megan explains that she FINALLY had the divorce papers drawn up but is having trouble signing them. Maybe someone should tell her which end of the pen the ink comes out of. She tells Coop how Michael helped "turn her life around" so Coop says he understands from his own personal experience but also suggests staying in a marriage out of a sense of obligation is a mistake. "You're doing the right thing," he tells her and then invites Megan in for a cup of coffee. She accepts but before they can get into his apartment, a delivery man carrying a 4 foot tall cone-shaped package for Megan appears. This must be the week for cluelessness because neither Megan nor Coop have any idea what it could be. Let's see... maybe one half of Madonna's bra? Megan opens it and guess what - it's a Christmas tree! Who would have ever guessed? It's already decorated, complete with an ornament that, when Megan presses its button, plays a recording of Michael singing "Jingle Bells". Coop thinks it's cheesy but Megan is delighted as she carries the tree up to her apartment.

Connie and Billy are wandering around the Christmas tree lot where she tells him to "get used to" Sam working as much as she does. She notes how Sam has a tendency to "throw herself into her work" so Billy replies, "we're married now - some of that time belongs to me." It does? That must be a new clause in wedding vows these days. He picks a tree and as they head to the cashier to pay, Connie tells Billy he's a "good looking guy" and, therefore, Sam won't leave him alone for too long - "if she's smart". When Billy asks for clarification on her statement, she leans forward and kisses him. Dazed, Billy asks Connie why she did that, so she informs him he's under the mistletoe and quips, "Don't worry -one kiss won't give you the Christmas spirit."

Over at the jazz club, Craig aggressively pushes his way through 2 people to get to Jennifer and yell at her for not returning his phone calls. They get into an argument over whether or not Michael stole Coop's glove idea with the bottom line being about loyalty. Craig accuses Jennifer of being loyal only to money and accuses her of coming on to him in the beginning because she thought he had money. He tells her he's sure if, some guy with more money comes along, she'd dump Craig for him in a heartbeat. Hurt, Jennifer tells Craig if he really believes that, they have "no future" together and this girl must be really stupid since, last I heard, they were just going to be friends who slept together when they were lonely. It's obvious where all the brains went in that family. Craig storms off so Kyle walks up to Jen to ask if she's OK. She tells him she "should have seen it coming" because it's "tradition" for the guy to dump her right before the holidays. Turning to Kyle, she reminds him how he dumped her on Christmas Eve and then bought Taylor a diamond bracelet. Kyle knows when it's his cue to leave and he does just that leaving Jen to mumble to herself, "Yup - it's a wonderful life." Puhleez - you're cute, young, healthy and living in LA - everyone should have your problems.

The next day, Coop meets Jennifer in the park and immediately asks why, since they live in the same building, she asked to meet him there. Jen, who is disguised wearing a scarf around her head and some 50's sunglasses, explains, "You never know who's watching you" and I'd be willing to bet more people are looking at her in that ridiculous getup than would be normally. Coop sits down and listens as Jennifer offers to free him of his alimony payments forever. He asks what dirt Jen has on Lexi but, instead of telling him, she just tells him he has to drop his lawsuit against Michael and hand over his sketches. Coop wants to know "what's in it for Jen" since his "beef" is with Michael. Jen tells him, "When you attack my brother, you attack me." Such devotion - maybe she should marry him. They shake hands and agree they "have a deal".

Megan is back at work and enters Michael's office to drop off some files. Michael just stares at her and smiles so Megan asks him to stop and mentions that she saw a lawyer and needs to talk to Michael. He interrupts her and gives her another Christmas present - 2 birds in a big gold cage. Michael explains that they're lovebirds and their names are Michael and Megan. Megan accepts them but when Michael asks her what she wanted to talk to him about, she tells him it can wait until tomorrow and heads back to her desk. Coop approaches Megan to make his obligatory sarcastic comment about her pending divorce to which Megan replies, "I've signed the papers but I'm not going to serve Michael until after Christmas."

Lexi and Jennifer are out lamp shopping because obviously a glove company being sued doesn't need a secretary. Jennifer starts in on her now-familiar "You're so lucky" statements regarding Lexi and Peter's relationship. She comments about the vacation Peter is giving Lexi and then notes how she must need one after "all the stress she's been under after that nasty hit and run". Lexi's face goes white as Jen tells her she knows all about the accident and how she and Peter covered it up and lied to the cops. She finishes by asking, "How do you sleep at night?" and then answers her own question with, "The pills probably help." Jennifer offers to keep Lexi's secret but only if Lexi does something for her in return - "let Coop off the hook and say goodbye to your alimony". Lexi is obviously horrified, especially when she hears Coop's name but Jen insists she's the only one who knows about the accident... "so far". Lexi asks why Jen is doing this so she explains she's doing it to help out Michael. Lexi has the same surprised reaction as Coop did so Jen explains, "I would make a deal with the devil to help out Michael." Lexi replies curtly, "Well, you have." She quickly asks, "How do I know you're going to keep up your end of the bargain?" to which Jen flippantly replies, "You don't." She points out that Lexi really doesn't have any choice in the matter and reminds her if Jen goes to the police Lexi will go to jail and Peter will lose his license. Citing the fact that Lexi is "loaded" Jen tries to shrug the whole thing off and even goes so far as to tell Lexi not to "take it personally" because she really likes her. If this is how Jen treats people she likes, it's no wonder she's alone.

Connie and Billy are decorating the tree because guess what - Sam is working late again with Amanda. Connie starts criticizing Billy's decorating skills first by telling him how Sam likes the ornaments placed and then how she prefers the icicles be hung strand by strand and if Sam is really that anal-retentive about her tree why the hell doesn't she come home and do it her damn self? Billy comments, "You didn't write the book on Sam" so Connie starts telling him how she's known Sam longer and seen her through several relationships. She goes on about how Sam "gets bored" with guys and "throws herself into work". Billy gets annoyed and throws a handful of icicles on one branch asking angrily, "How's that?" Connie immediately apologizes but Billy insists she's "trying to cause trouble" between he and Sam. When he tells her, "that kiss you laid on me last night wasn't innocent", Connie replies, "It was for me. But, if you're still thinking about it it must have really turned you on and that's your problem, not mine." Billy doesn't accept this explanation and accuses her of "coming on to him" since she got there. He finishes his tirade by telling her he wants her to move out after New Year's, grabs his jacket and storms out.

Meanwhile, over at "Amanda Woodward Prison For Those Who Have No Loved Ones To Hang Out With During The Holidays And The People Who Are Stuck Working For Them", Sam and Amanda are working late on storyboards for their oh-so-hip Seattle client. Sam mentions she's exhausted and, noting that they've been working since 8am, asks if Amanda is tired. "Tired is for losers," Amanda replies and then starts her annual "My Christmases Sucked As A Child" speech. Sam tells her how her childhood was pretty crappy too and how Christmas never really meant much to her and how all that's changed now that's married Billy. Remembering that Amanda and Kyle just broke up, she quickly apologizes for "going on about Billy". Amanda tells her not to worry about it and suggests she go home to her husband but Sam refuses to leave Amanda there by herself. Mr. Husband enters right then to steal his wife away for dinner, but again Sam insists on staying with Amanda so now I'm starting to wonder if maybe Sam doesn't have a thing for her boss and that's why she's working all these late nights. Amanda insists Sam go with Billy but politely declines their offer to join them.

It's 1:59 in the morning when Peter rolls over in bed and discovers Lexi not there. How do I know precisely what time it is? Because I can see the HUGE red numbers on the digital clock by the bed. As if that isn't enough, the camera ZOOMS in on it to make sure we all catch the fact it's almost - but not quite - 2am. Putting on his robe, Peter goes downstairs and starts to panic when he finds his medical bag opened with half the contents removed. Continuing through the house calling out Lexi's name, Peter discovers her unconscious body lying on the kitchen floor with an empty pill bottle in her hand. Peter immediately calls the hospital and tells them she's overdosed on sleeping pills. As he waits for the ambulance, he starts giving her mouth to mouth because it's impossible for him to be in a scene with his woman without having SOME kind of physical contact.

The following morning, Coop is standing over Lexi in her hospital bed when she opens her eyes. He quietly asks "why she did this" so she tells him, "You know why. You won and that's all that counts." She tells him he doesn't owe her anything and that she'll put that in writing. Coop insists he "didn't mean to hurt her" but Lexi hisses, "I wish I never met you." In walks Peter who angrily asks what Coop is doing there so Coop softly says, "Take care, Lexi" and leaves. Peter, who is sporting his "I used to work with Rick Springfield" leather jacket, puts down Lexi's chart which he's just reviewed and informs her she's going to be fine. He's obviously annoyed and tells her he doesn't understand why she tried to "bail out on him" because, after all, the world DOES revolve around Dr. Peter Burns. Citing how Lexi stole drugs from his bag she must be in a lot of pain and urges her to tell him what she was thinking. Lexi tells him, "I'm scared you're going to leave me someday." She mentions her "old baggage from her past" and then tells Peter she's not taking alimony from Coop anymore because she's "not interested in punishing him anymore" and wants him "out of her life". Lexi tells him how she knows he's not used to pansy wansy women especially since his ex-wife was such a "strong woman" but Peter insists, "it's OK for you to need me." He promises to never leave her but asks, "please don't do this again."

Michael approaches Megan at work to give her yet another present and if this one is a partridge in a pear tree I'm going to hurl. Nope - it's even worse. It's a snow globe with a miniature replica of the beach house inside. Underneath is a brass plate that reads, "IT'S SO COLD WITHOUT YOU. COME HOME." Megan is getting a little uncomfortable with all the presents so Michael tells her, "wait 'til you get your present tonight" and leaves. Coop walks up and, sensing competition for his woman, asks Megan if they're "still on for drinks tonight". Megan says, "Sure" and walks out of the office but isn't even 2 steps away from her desk when her phone rings. I guess we're supposed to think she's either going deaf or just doesn't care about her job. Actually, given the conduct of the previous 2 receptionists, I wouldn't be surprised if it was the latter. I mean, why break tradition, right? Coop answers the phone and ends up talking with Megan's attorney so Coop tells him that Megan wants Dr. Mancini served tonight before he leaves town for the holidays.

And now for the "Velveeta Scene Of The Week". Billy and Sam are sitting on their living room floor doing some holiday smooching when Sam mentions that Connie will be home soon. Billy tells her he gave Connie a bunch of work to do so she won't be home for awhile. He continues that he's "tired of having a roommate" and informs Sam how he told Connie to leave after the holidays. Sam gets angry and tells Billy that Connie is "like family" and given Sam's history with family it's only a matter of time before Connie starts pointing a gun at Sam and/or Billy. Billy tells his wife how Connie "came on to him" when she kissed him the other night under the mistletoe and his lines are so poorly delivered one can only hope Santa brings that boy acting lessons for Christmas. Sam refuses to believe Billy's accusations so he calls her naive and she calls him selfish and she goes into the bedroom and slams the door and he walks out of the apartment and slams the door. Finally - some realistic holiday activities. Billy gets about 3 steps out the door when he gets a sudden change of heart and goes back inside where Sam has just emerged from what appears to be Connie's bedroom - I guess she got lost. They each apologize and hug and kiss and I fear I'm going to need an enema after all that.

At the Upstairs, Jon Secada is singing while Taylor does some kind of solo "Locomotion" train dance down on the floor. Amanda walks in so Taylor immediately approaches her to tell her they're "sold out" but Amanda explains she's there to see Kyle. Kyle walks over to them so Amanda asks if they can "speak privately". At first Kyle hesitates but when Amanda insists "it's important" he concedes and tells Taylor to "keep an eye on the bar". Taylor huffs, "Just for a minute" as Amanda and Kyle head back to the office. Once there, Amanda tells Kyle her Christmas gift to him is the truth, which is that she thinks about him all the time and misses him and needs him. Kyle is at first moved by this gesture but quickly falls back into "What You Did With Eric" mode. Despite Amanda's insistance that she didn't sleep with Eric, the fact still remains that she did go to his hotel room and get naked. Amanda sighs and tells Kyle "goodbye" as she turns and walks out. No sooner is the door closed behind her does Taylor burst in with a bottle of liquor and a bag of cash. She dumps the money out on the desk to show Kyle how much money they made and then pours 2 drinks so they can toast. Kyle downs his immediately and then tells Taylor he feels like drinking alone tonight. Taylor says, "Fine" and leaves.

Coop goes to Jen's apartment to tend to their "unfinished business". He hands over an agreement that he drop the lawsuit and then gives her his notebook of original sketches that he "keeps by his bed". I bet there's a lot more than just glove sketches in there *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*. Jen comments how he "did a nice job faking the dates" so Coop exasperatedly tells her to look on the back where they were notarized. Jen obliges and, as she does, she and her bulging cleavage are horrified to realize Coop has been telling the truth the entire time. Coop tells her Michael did, indeed, steal his idea but it doesn't matter anymore because, "you Mancini's only care about coming out on top. You don't care about the truth or the fact Lexi almost died." This is the first Jen has heard of Lexi's overdose so Coop tells her, "That's the price of doing Michael's dirty work - people get hurt." Megan enters the apartment so Jen shakily leaves for work. Coop and Megan exchange pleasantries for all of 2 seconds before there's a knock at the door. It's a delivery man who looks like he's with the Mafia and, as he hands over yet another Christmas gift for Megan, he tells her, "Dr. Mancini asked me to wait until you opened this. He hopes you'll be joining him at the beach house." Apologizing to Coop, Megan opens the box which contains an empty heart-shaped locket. Despite Coop's protests, Megan insists on going over to Michael's to talk to him. Coop angrily tells Megan "you know where to find me" as he stalks out of his apartment and down to his own.

Over at the beach house, Michael has bought out Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sydney's House Of Style of every Christmas decoration he could get his hands on. Dressed as Santa, he dances around the house singing "Jingle Bells" while he adds the finishing touches on the Christmas decorating. There's a knock at the door and, assuming it's Megan, he gives his best "Santa" voice as he says he'll be there in a minute. Kinda cute and still pretty pathetic in it's own right. Michael opens the door but, instead of Megan, it's a man who hands Michael his divorce papers and tells him, "You've been served." Enraged, Michael proceeds to tear down all the decorations and burn them in the fireplace along with part of his costume. I hope he left a deposit on it when he rented it because those kinds of burns are really hard to disguise.

Taylor walks into Kyle's office to find him passed out in his chair right where she left him. The liquor bottle she brought in earlier is now almost empty and the money she scattered all over the place is still on the desk so she puts it all back in the money bag and heads for the safe in the wall. However, instead of putting the money away, she takes the money and mumbles, "I'm doing this for us, baby."

Billy is kissing on Sam in bed who insists she "needs to recover from last night". Billy agrees to go make some coffee and as he heads out of the bedroom the camera is aimed at his legs only - at least they seem to do a better job of acting than does Billy's face. He opens the door to find his storyboards wrapped in a big red bow, obviously put there by Connie. Sam tells Billy she thinks he should apologize to Connie and thank her and heads out to make the coffee herself so he can go grovelling to his demon seed roommate - funny how he seems to keep attracting Satan's children. When his knocks on Connie's door go unanswered, Billy opens the door and is shocked to see Connie lying naked in her bed, supposedly asleep. Billy smiles and closes the door quietly and after he does, Connie rolls over to face the camera where her eyes magically pop open and she lets out an evil laugh reminiscent of Kimberly's (hey - I can hope, right?)

Jen marches over to Michael's beach house to spend Christmas beating up her older brother. She repeatedly slaps on him while she tells him she's "through with him" because he lied. Naturally, Michael denies this but her slaps must start to sting because he quickly admits Coop thought of the glove idea first. When Jen notes how "it's stealing and it's wrong", Michael can only point out how they "won". "Don't you care about anything else not even me?" she asks and then points out how she broke up with Craig because of Michael and Lexi OD'd. Michael tells her "tough break" but doesn't understand what Lexi's overdose has to do with them. "I blackmailed her to protect you because I'm stupid and I believed all that stuff you said about the Mancini's sticking together!" Jen replies. Michael again insists, "the important thing is we got what we wanted - nobody died" so Jen sighs, "you're beyond saving" and walks away. Michael chases after her and begs her to stay for breakfast or at least stick around to open her Christmas present. Jen keeps on walking so Michael plays his pity card by telling her Megan filed for divorce. "Good for her," Jen replies. "She'll be better off without you. So will I."

Kyle is at the bar munching on aspirin for breakfast when Taylor breezes in and tells him to give her the money so she can take it to the depository. Kyle panics and scrambles around the office looking for the money but it's nowhere to be found. Assuming he's been robbed, he sighs how Taylor "came up with a great plan" but he still "managed to blow it". Amazingly, Taylor isn't pissed about the fact they just "lost" thousands of dollars and instead suggests they go to Las Vegas to play craps and win back their money. Seems they did the same thing a long time ago in Atlantic City and made their "seed" money for the Boston restaurant that way. For whatever reason, Kyle doesn't object to this ridiculous idea.

Michael pounds on Megan's door and angrily "thanks" her for the divorce papers. Megan tells him they weren't supposed to be served until after the holidays but the end result is the same as far as Michael is concerned so he demands his presents back. She hands him the tree and the locket and offers to mail back the globe, but she keeps the birds telling him, "You kill everything." Michael storms out and passes Coop who is on his way up to see Megan. Michael pauses at the bottom of the stairs to watch Coop hug Megan and enter her apartment. As they close the door, the christmas tree starts playing that recording of Michael singing just as Amanda enters the courtyard. He hurls the tree into the pool and storms out as Amanda, who appears to suddenly be retaining water, mumbles, "God bless us everyone." I bet she's just thankful to see a talking tree sacrificed.

--written by Stacie

IN TWO WEEKS: Kyle and Taylor go to Vegas and roll around on a bed full of money; Kyle calls Amanda and tells her he's made mistakes and wants her back but Amanda tells him it's too late as she boards a helicopter; the helicopter springs a fuel leak with Amanda and Sam aboard and crashes as the announcer asks, "Who will live and who will die?"