Next we're treated to Eve caterwauling at the Upstairs, and what a treat this is indeed. Doy Boy and Wet Lips are at the bar talking about the crappy music acts - gee, I thought I was the only one to notice - but when Ryan tries to give Kyle some advice, Kyle gets his drawers in a bunch and tells Ryan to scram, which he does. Meanwhile, Peter looks proudly at the Jailbird, revealing to us that he's tone-deaf, and then turns to Kyle to warn him about mixing pills and booze. Kyle takes this about as well as he took Ryan's advice. Eve comes up, done with her set, and D'oh chastises her for not drawing a bigger crowd. Peter asks Eve about all the animosity between her and Kyle, hinting that perhaps there's some sort of conspiracy to keep the reason a secret, and Eve feeds him the story about Sleazy Tree Man hitting on her and Kyle coming to her rescue. Peter appears to buy it but suggests to Eve that Kyle may not be the best person to trust with these matters because he's not himself. Eve seems to be unaware of this, so we know she's as smart as she is talented. Do with that what you will.

For some reason, the Jailbird decides to confront an angry, drunken Doy Boy in his office. He bleats that he's sick of lies, but Eve chooses to ignore that and instead tell him that his drinking scares her. Kyle makes some comment about how when Eve gets scared, she pushes people off the bleachers, and then he immediately apologizes, possibly afraid for his own life. The phone rings, but Kyle won't answer it, so the machine clicks on and it's the Queen, who just called to tell her minion that she's going to bed but that when he gets home, she wants him to wake her in that special way she loves. She then announces that she wants to make a baby tonight, but she can't do that without Kyle. Alarmed by either all this personal information or the smoke coming out of Kyle's ears, Eve runs out of the office as Kyle throws the answering machine against the wall, which I'm guessing is not the special way that Amanda likes to be woken up.

L'Oreal commercial with Jennifer Lopez extolling the virtues of Vita Vive all in Spanish. Que bueno!

After some depressing opening music, Lip Boy is in the ex-hooker's bathroom and can't find his toothbrush, even though it's right there in the medicine cabinet. Megan suggests that perhaps all the sex has clouded his head, or maybe he drank too much at the club last night. I'm not the McBride with the drinking problem, retorts Ryan, stung. He then tells Megan that he's seen this kind of self-destructive behavior in Kyle before, and although he wants to help it seems to backfire every time he tries to do so. Our hooker with the heart of gold offers to talk to Kyle - oh, sure, that'll help - but Ryan just wants to hug her instead.

Michael and Jane are at the courthouse and have called off the divorce and are moving in together. It'll be just like the old days, too, because they're going to live in Jane's apartment. Everyone who really wants it to be like the old days with Kimberly and Sydney and Matt, say Me! Interrupting this snugglefest are the lawyers with their big fat bills, and the honeymoon's over in a hurry as Michael and Jane get into their first argument since getting back together two minutes ago. Hey, it really is just like the old days! We should have gotten divorced - one of us would have made out okay, muses Michael, but Jane reminds him that they did make out okay since they have each other, and I made out okay too because I have a nice big bottle of Tums sitting next to me for special moments like these.

Back at the Upstairs, Eve is rehearsing and pretending to sing and play the keyboard. Once again, the Empress enters and saves us from serious pain. "What'd you come here for, another beating?" snarls the Jailbird. "No, honey, you are the undisputed street-fighting champ", replies Lexi evenly, and then she reveals that she hired a private investigator to dig up dirt on Eve. Eve tells Lexi that no matter what, she won't win Peter back, but Lexi says she'll just be satisfied with Peter knowing the truth about Eve's past. Peter comes in on cue, causing Eve to plant a big one on him to mark her territory, and I'm almost expecting someone to pee on him next if this keeps up. Peter tells Lexi that he loves Eve no matter what, so there! Lexi, deflated, leaves, but Peter follows her and placates her by saying meaningless crap like "What I have with Eve, I wish for you with somebody else" and "You're a good person, and we had some great times together", but at least he apologizes for being a jerk before asking her to "Move on with your life and leave us in peace and show everybody what he fell in love with a long time ago". Hey, we don't need to see that!

Across town at AWA, Michael wants to go out for a big steak dinner, but Jane wants to eat pizza and talk with Ryan about their tight budget. Michael states that "Life's too short for budget food", so we know that poor Ryan's money management advice will really go over well. At least Michael admits that "[Impulse buying] is the only kind of buying I do", so Ryan and Jane know what they're up against, but it doesn't get them anywhere because Michael practically throws himself on the floor kicking and screaming about how he doesn't want any lifestyle limitations. Rather than scale down his expenses, Michael vows to work double shifts in the ER and make Jane work overtime because "We are not poor people, and we will not act like poor people". Funny, I thought working extra shifts was something that poor people did. I can't believe that Jane got back together with this loser deliberately.

There is very loud music in Amanda's apartment, so loud that Angry Walk-on Neighbor #1 has come over from the next complex to bang on the door. Queenie, just coming home from work, promises to fix the problem, which appears to be G.I. D'oh (surprise surprise), claiming that the loud music helps him concentrate on the all-important task of throwing playing cards into a hat. Amanda informs Kyle that they have an appointment with a fertility specialist in the morning, but he wants to try making a baby the old-fashioned way first. Amanda isn't enthused because Kyle's drunk, so she tries to stall him, but he slams her up against the refrigerator and starts pawing at her. However, even a drunken ex-Marine is no match for Amanda Woodward, who throws him on the floor and stalks into the bedroom. Doy Boy looks like he's going to hurl as he realizes that he'll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

The Empress has summoned Hooker Girl into her office to declare her New Year's resolution: to snare a man. Always glad to see an independent woman secure in herself. Lexi wants a relationship with real respect and genuine love, but this is Melrose Place and we all know how likely that is. She's decided to go about this by writing a job description of sorts, and she wants Megan to do the, ahem, headhunting for her. Megan stalls, saying that she wouldn't know where to start, but I find that hard to believe, don't you? After some begging and negotiating, Lexi offers to put Megan's name on the door, saying If you find me a partner, I'll make you one. Megan, dying for respectability, finds that awfully hard to resist, and agrees.

At AWA, Amanda asks Ryan if he knows where Kyle is, because the bum failed to show up at the fertility doctor's appointment that morning. Baby Lips doesn't know but in turn asks Amanda if she's noticed Kyle acting strangely lately, and why does he even need to ask? He fills her in, briefly, on Kyle's dark moods, but unfortunately the only advice he can offer is duck and cover. "I just wish I knew where the hell he was", Amanda muses, and like magic we're transported to New York, where Kyle is in an empty bar scouting talent and looking for more pills. He calls his Bestest Bud Peter on his cell phone, because Lord knows there are no pay phones anywhere in New York, and asks him to phone in a refill to his hotel. Peter refuses, reminding Kyle that those tranquilizers were meant to be taken as needed (and Peter's incredible stupidity in prescribing something like that to someone obviously so addictive is a topic that I could fill a whole column with), and advises him to come home instead. Obviously, Peter hasn't been paying attention, or he'd know that Kyle doesn't like advice. Sure enough, Doy Boy reacts poorly, accusing Peter of being the root of the problem and hanging up, whacking his head on the lamp dangling over the pool table. Poor Peter then gets involved in another discouraging interaction when he confronts Michael about a large and mysterious charge on the corporate credit card. Michael, admirably honest but disappointingly unrepentant, freely admits that the charge is from his dinner with Jane the other night. "You and Jane, $625 - what are you, crazy?" demands Peter, but Michael justifies it because he's so destitute and all. Michael then hits Peter up for a loan, but Peter wisely refuses, telling Michael that he's acting like a spoiled child and advises him to tighten his belt and downsize. Well, we all know how this will be received. Michael stomps off in a huff, shouting "I'm the king of the world!" Well, not really, but it would have been fitting.

The Jailbird is stocking the bar when the Queen shows up and asks where Doy Boy is. Eve, of course, is the only one in town who knows, because Kyle put her in charge of the Upstairs before he went off to New York to book her replacement for the bar. She speculates that perhaps Kyle's erratic behavior is her fault for asking Kyle to keep her past a secret, but Amanda, with bigger things on her mind, dismisses that thought and vows to find out what's going on.

Back in New York, we get to hear the hot metallic grunge band that Kyle wants to book for what I still think of as the JAZZ CLUB. God help me if this band ever plays on the show again. "I think your band is awesome", blurts Kyle to the appropriately grungy twentysomething band manager, who ups the ante in the Generation Slang contest by informing him that "no, the band is the dopest". Glad we cleared that up. Is D'oh drinking the empties off the table? Bleah. Kyle's new pal Ricky G invites him to step into his office, which is actually the alley, and they talk a little business before Ricky offers him some pills. Kyle's having some withdrawal, but he declines, hereby making his first sensible decision of the night. Ricky invites himself and the band back to Kyle's hotel suite by saying, (and let me make sure I get this exactly right), "How about I bring the guys back to your suite, and we'll talk rock-and-roll business the way it's meant to be talked - loud, high, and all sexed up." Since he only mentioned bringing the guys, I'm wondering exactly what is meant by all sexed up, and if it means what I think it means I'm going to be really mad because poor old Matt was way better than this clown and never even had a decent kiss during his tenure on the show.

Some woman is talking about the Eiffel Tower and we realize that we're back at Wilshire Memorial, where our ears are still ringing from the loud music at the bar. Michael is burned up because the nurse can afford to go to France while he can't, and so then she lectures him on the importance of saving and for the umpteenth time tonight we get to see Michael moan and groan about how he's too good to compromise. Fortunately, we're interrupted by a patient screaming about how he wants to be treated by a real doctor - so they send in Michael? Go figure. The patient crashes briefly, but Michael zaps him back to consciousness instantaneously. You saved my life, gushes the awestruck patient, and I'm hoping that it's going to be like that Brady Bunch episode and the patient will become Michael's slave. Come to think of it, considering how cranky and whiny this guy was before, he and Michael are a perfect match. Michael compliments the patient on his expensive gold watch, to which the man replies I'd trade my whole fortune for good health, and why do I get the feeling that he's about to do just that?

So far there is lots of drinking and smoking, but no visible sex in Kyle's hotel suite, and HEY there are women there after all! Kyle lumbers into the bedroom and throws out some people who are trying to get all sexed up. Not "closing escrow" or "decorating the tree", but "sexed up". Let's keep track together. He then pulls out his cell phone and calls Amanda, because of course fancy New York hotels don't have newfangled contraptions like telephones in the rooms. Amanda is, understandably, pissed, and Kyle doesn't help his situation by making all sorts of lame excuses for his bad behavior. She asks him when he's coming back, and he replies that he's not sure, adding "I don't like being kept on a leash". I'm sorry, wasn't it Kyle who pestered Amanda into marrying him, and not the other way around? Some groupies stumble in with Ricky, and Kyle hangs up to watch the happy threesome take off their clothes and get in a contest of Me First - No, ME First! To get him to stop staring, Ricky offers more pills, saying, "It's just in my nature to help - the way my mama raised me", and I'm sure his mother would be so proud of him at this particular moment. Ricky and his girlfriends start making out on the bed while Kyle takes a couple of pills dry, wiggling his wattle to make them go down and looking like he's about to cry.

Megan and Ryan are practicing hygiene together in the shower. I take it the friendship has upped a notch. Megan inquires for tips as to where she can find a mate for Lexi that meets all those stipulations. Certainly not in this shower. Ryan intuitively remembers the corporate gym, certainly an ideal place to meet a moral, upstanding man with abs. Ryan tells Megan he plays b-ball with the execs in da hood there every Thursday. And since today is Thursday, she'd like to come watch - basketball that is.

At the hospital, Mike enters Rolex-Man's room, where he is sitting up admiring his hospital food's colors. Mike informs him of the positive results of the bloodwork, and Perry (the guy) is pleased. He wants to make it up to Mike somehow, but Mike just jokes with him to pay his bill on time. Perry then manages to get a little pseudo-political shot in at HMO's and malpractice, which are obviously driving up the cost of his bill. "Shame a dunce like me can make millions", he teases while a "wonderful, upstanding, caring (ahem) doctor who saves lives like Michael has to struggle". This is certainly beginning to look like Mr. Beck all over again.

Eve waits for her parole officer to see her. He finally calls her into his office. Now for the first time, a grouchy Eve actually sounds like an ex-con when she grumbles about the long wait and cancelled lunch. Officer Krupke asks if she has revealed her past to Peter yet. She tells him no, and would appreciate it if he didn't either please. He agrees. He inquires on about her budding singing career and of the propriety, shall we say, of the club she works at. She promises snidely that there are no illicit activities going on at Kyle's. Hah - if only she had to write up this column! Once again he recommends that Eve come clean about her past to her peers. The Jailbird issues her annoyed look to the sky and will probably change from the Incredible Hulk back to David Banner after leaving the office.

Knock knock. Whos there? Delivery kid. Kid who? No kidding - this goofy delivery kid tells Michael and Jane there is a gift out on the street awaiting them from a friend. Michael takes the small packet from the boy and sees it's from Mr. Perry Hutchins, a.k.a. Rolex-Man. We proceed to the outside of Melrose Place, which we are seeing for the first time in a long time. And it's - A NEW CAR. Start the Price Is Right showcase music, please. As Jane gawks, Michael explains to her how all this came to pass. Jane, now ever mindful of monetary concerns, stares at the still-retained sticker on the side window and marvels at the price. "We can't accept this", she says. "Yes we can", Mike responds. Then Jane's eyes light up as she remembers that they CAN accept the car - but to sell it and pay off the liar, er lawyer debt. Geez - five failed businesses and she STILL doesn't know how to file bankruptcy and win. Mike insists the car is a gift from the heart, something he wouldn't know about. It would be an insult to sell this car. You're telling me. They get in and it's real comfy. And look, there's a cell phone. You need that. It's got a note to speed dial Hutchins. Mike does so and thanks him cautiously. Hutch insists he keep the car and meet him at his Bel-Air place tomorrow. Sounds innocent to me. Hmm. The two lovers-ex-lovers-lovers again happily cruise down the block, which is clearly a residential street with no sign of an apartment complex.

Drunk Doy Boy is stacking shot glasses like an idiot in that unnamed NYC rock club. He emptied them of course. Kyle, being of sound mind and body, signs the band Sharp Objects to a contract at his club. He writes the check and explains that he is drawing on his mystical sacred Dream House account. Shaggy promises not to say a word. Kyle then celebrates by making out with the Elizabeth Hurley lookalike seated next to him. They knock over the shot glasses - good symbolism!!

The Queen stumbles upon Peter in the courtyard, drinking beer. In the old days she woulda busted him. Anyway, she tells him that Eve will be late because she's locking up the jernt in the boss's absence. Peter tells Amanda that his wife cancelled lunch for some reason. Amanda is in a rush and can't chat. As usual, Peter insists on knowing what's wrong. She lets out that she is frustrated that everyone is looking to her for help lately. Everyone from Eve to Chef Mario to Linda Tripp needs her assistance while Kyle parties in boogie-down NYC. Peter encourages her to go retrieve him. Amanda believes Peter knows something. He just tells her, "It's what he would want you to do." At that she goes.

Our dynamic duo, Hooker Girl and Lip Boy, complete another platonic friendship sex therapy session. Megan rolls over and twice we just miss seeing her partially nude. Ooooo how racy this show is! Ryan believes that having her watch him play b-ball has enhanced her sex drive. Hey, thank God that NBA strike is over, guys. She goes off like a good girl to fix breakfast. Then as Ryan gets up, he notices Megan's laptop, and her portable computer. Ha ha. He sees the Lexi Manhattan Project data on Megan's screen. Stuff like height, weight, age, etc. Megan catches him chuckling, tells him not to snoop, and shuts the thing off. All the while some poor jerk is knocking on the door furiously. Yes, it's Amanda. Wet Lips tells her he can't do any work now - not that he ever does. But she is really concerned about Kyle's well-being, and would like Ryan to accompany her to New York. After some convincing, he agrees to go.

In the space of one set of commercials, they fly to NYC!! They are, despite lack of information, in the right hotel at the door to the correct room. Those friends of Kyle strut past Ryan with their arms around each others waists, which real life women never do, as he gawks at them. "I love this city", he says. "It never sleeps". On behalf of all of us New Yorkers, please get a new line, sir. Despite the Citibank commercial, we do try to get 6-7 hours a night just like the L.A. snobs, thank you very much. The Queen pounds on the door and G.I. D'oh answers. Oh no. Indeed, guy. She laces right into him for cheating and running off. And she smacks him around too! As she storms off, Ryan asks him who those women were. Guess he wants more dates. Kyle does not remember a thing, he just screams for Amanda. Ryan fends off some irate hotel guests and brings his brother inside to sober him up.

Mike has arrived at the Hutchins Rolex-Man Bel-Air cottage. It's in fact a mansion. Hutch claims that the hired help are all out helping the wife at a function. Put your scandal sensing caps back on folks - I smell one. Just cuz you haven't worn them since the elections of 1996.... Mike explains his dilemma about Jane wanting to sell the car and his lack of funds. So illogically the guy asks him if he would invest $100K to make a quick mil. How? Simple - stock going public in 24 hours. I could get arrested by the Securities and Exchange Commission just for writing this. But where will Mike get the money? We ponder this as they toast each other poolside with mimosas.

Baby Lips is in the lobby with the Queen. He is arguing on his brother's behalf and says he's arranged for the two of them to meet for lunch and make up. Kyle wants to explain everything. Amanda references Clintonisms as she foresees Kyle explaining what his definition of sex would be. Ryan McCurry believes the president, er Kyle did not cheat on her. Amanda does not agree. As they step into the elevator, Ryan picks up his phone to cancel the lunch date. The doors close on them.

Peter is at his computer when Michael walks in and asks him to check on a patient that needs Chief of Staff authorization. Peter dopily asks Mike to shut down his computer. You know, the one with critical info on it. Mike agrees, then proceeds to hack around. He discovers the Lexi-Manda Children's Trust fund. He looks at the digital $300,000 then changes his mind...for now.

Megan enters Ryan's apartment and is happy to see him back early. After getting her tongue out of his mouth, she sits him down and gets him to fill out one of those Lexi find-a-guy forms. He thinks it's for a market study. Heh heh. Mr. Attentive can't get beyond question one (gay or straight) before turning to his girl for more activity.

Well Kyle is back in L.A. as well. He walks up the stairs to his apartment. The key still works but Amanda's got the chain locked up. She won't let him in, even though the poor jerk wants to talk. It's my house too, he states. But no opening. She complains that his overly obvious outright cheating disgusted her. Kyle begins to get violent as the closing theme kicks in. He threatens to break the door down. "Go ahead, Marine", she says, "it won't make me love you though." He says he didn't think he needed her permission to take off spontaneously like a lunatic to New York on alleged business. She knows he has a much bigger problem than he admits, and one that she can't help with. I'm sorry, we won't see any demonstrations of upper leg muscle strength tonight. He just sits down in front of his door, busted and disgusted.

--written by Ellen and Anthony, edited by zinc

Mike pulls up in his new car next to some hot blondes who are not Jane. Hutch promises Mike that $100K will make him a million. Mike scams the Children's Fund for said amount. Amanda confronts Kyle on his behavior and wants an end to their marriage. Kyle gets mad. Ryan inquires about Megan's propensity to return to her old professional career. Kyle swears to Eve that he was true to Amanda.