Over at the only restaurant in town, Doy Boy has returned in all his black-leather-clad glory. He's sporting the James Dean/Dylan McKay look and requesting a bottle of scotch from the bartender. Upstairs, the Jailbird is singing some song about how lovers lie to each other, while her naive and doting Peter looks on with a lovesick look on his face. Does this guy have any life left besides his job and watching his wife sing? Eve does a bizarre mind meld eye thing to instruct Peter that Kyle has arrived and that he needs to go conference with his bestest bud. Immediately comprehending his master's command, Peter trots off after Kyle. "How was New York?" Peter asks. "Better than L.A." responds G.I. D'oh. D'oh proceeds to blither on all sad-sacklike about how his brother and wife came to find him at the hotel with two models leaving his hotel at 7 AM. Peter notices the pills that Kyle's new best friend Rikki G. gave him, and warns Kyle about taking pills with liquor. Okay, I get it. You prescribe pills to an alkie, and when he doesn't mix YOUR pills with his booze, but mixes someone ELSE'S pills with his booze, you get jealous. Makes sense to me! Peter tells Kyle that he's got a problem, and Kyle tells him that the pills make him feel better. When Peter threatens to tell Amanda the truth about Kyle's problems, the two boys begin to scuffle. Eve runs in to the rescue and gets between them, which gets Kyle so riled up he grabs her and kisses her! The horror! Eve and Peter rush out, leaving Doy Boy to knock books off his shelf in anger. I didn't know he could read.

And we get the credits.

Michael drives along in his new Ferrari with the stereo blasting "Volare." He gets to a red light, where two beautiful blonde women are sitting in a convertible looking at him with unguarded admiration. He smiles, guns his engine, and when the light turns green, leaves them in the dust. What an impressive guy! Just as he pulls up to his new bestest buddy Perry's place, Perry walks out of the house. Okay, now when someone walks out of a house talking into a cell phone and saying something like "Yeah; I'm putting in 200 grand of my own. It's a sure thing, and I don't say that very often. Listen - the guy I owe my life to is here. I gotta call you back," you have to wonder if it's coincidence or just a load of poop. My money's on the poop. Perry gets all bizarre and bug eyed, looking at the car, and telling Michael "Once you drive one of these you know what heaven is," and then he squats down in front of the hood of the car and with a big, open-mouthed, drooly, almost Larry Flynt-like grin, looks slowly back and forth across the hood as if he's a pedophile eyeing a playground. Very creepy, really. He invites Michael in, and Michael looks around with jaw-dropped awe at the opulence of Perry's palace. Michael tells his bestest bud that he's broke and just can't raise any cash, but could Perry perhaps lend him the money for the deal? Explaining that loaning money to friends can kill a relationship, Perry refuses. "Yeah, I value our relationship, too," says Michael in a tone that seems like he really means it, which is SO odd since they just met a week ago. Turning to leave, our dedicated doctor says that he needs to go save more patients' lives, sending a little dig Perry's way. Pretending to take the bait, Perry tells Michael that there is another deal in a couple of days that has a $150K buy-in, but if Michael can come up with $100K, Perry will kick in the $50K for free! Sounds like a reasonable idea to me! Michael vows to get the money and walks out all dreamy-eyed.

Walking across the 4616 courtyard, the Jailbird approaches the Queen. Eve: "Hey! Are you okay?" Amanda: "Why wouldn't I be?" Eve: "Well, I heard what happened in New York." Amanda: "Oh. Good for you. I'm late for a meeting." Eve: "Amanda, you can pretend with a lot of people, but you can't pretend with me." Amanda: "Okay, I married the greatest guy in the world and he cheated on me. End of story; end of marriage. I'm not going to lose sleep over it." It's nice to know that when she's down and out, she can still treat her only friend like dirt. The Jailbird tries to convince Amanda that Kyle must have some deep problems if he's drinking like he is, and she suggests that he needs help. Amanda, echoing my thoughts exactly, tells Eve that if D'oh can't talk to her about it, they don't have much of a relationship, anyway. You go, girl!

At Sterling/Conway, our favorite ex-hooker walks through the lobby in a conservative taupe twinset, quickly joined by the Empress in a brown and tan vertical pinstriped body tourniquet. Lexi insists that Megan explain and terminate the personal ad that she placed, and I just want to know how Lexi figured out that that was the specific personal ad that Megan placed, and if she is so anti-personal ads, why did she even look at them to begin with? Hmmm? Anyway, Megan explains that the interested parties are to call an 800 number to get a post office box, and send a letter and a picture. Lexi is furious until they walk into her office and find a huge stack of replies. I had no idea there were so many desperate men in the world, but I guess there are in L.A.! And anyway, if the letters were sent to a P.O. box, probably with a code number and not a real name, how did they appear on Megan's desk? Although obviously intrigued, the Empress complains that they are "probably all dorky, lonely, and ugly: all the E's." Megan reads the most bile-rising letter I have ever heard, and Lexi proclaims the man "a poet." Looking at his picture, which looks like a slightly more rugged and scruffy David Arquette leaning against a tree, she dubs him hunky. But looking at his address, she deems him "geographically undesirable," which is a term I haven't heard since high school. The Empress gives the ex-hooker leave to pursue this line of man-hunting, but warns her that if she is to "spill the beans," she will lose her job.

Knocking on Kyle's office door with coffee in hand, the Jailbird wakes up our hungover hero. All repentant, Doy Boy apologizes for his behavior the night before. Eve tells him that she has a plan to get the two lovebirds back together. All he has to do is "clean up; sober up," and she'll "deliver Amanda to the club." Hey! That's some plan! With her skill and ingenuity, she should start up HER own advertising agency! Kyle insists that he didn't have an affair with the two luscious models in New York, and Eve believes him.

Back at Wilshire Memorial, Michael is in rare form. He is on the phone with Jane's father, begging for money. You have to give this guy some credit for being the ultimate optimist. He has never really gotten the idea that Jane's family will never forgive him for all his antics with Kimberly and Sydney. He kind of reminds me of my puppy who is more than happy to shred a roll of toilet paper and then show me his work, looking for praise and a jerky treat. Michael's endearing like that. He asks Mr. Andrews for $100,000, and adds the incentive that "Jane will be very happy, and you wouldn't have to kick the bucket!" What a way with words! After getting hung up on, Michael is berated by both Peter and Nurse Amy, who is getting a record amount of lines this week. They both tell him to stop complaining, and Nurse Amy most slurpily smootches Peter's butt, telling Michael that he should be as kind and giving as Peter is, putting together that foundation for the poor children, and wasn't that Lexi's idea in the first place? But instead of correcting her, Peter asks Nurse Amy to dinner, and they walk off together. Then the sneaky spy music begins and Michael comes through for us again, thrilling us with his daring deeds. He sneaks off to Peter's unlocked office (cuz nobody needs to lock doors in L.A.!) and deftly embezzles funds from the Children's Foundation. Well, it's Nurse Amy's fault, you know. She DID bring it up.

Wearing a tight red V-neck sweater and black pants, Eve skips into Amanda's office, calling "Hey, you!" To our delight, Amanda, in her all-black business suit, is having none of the friendly attitude this week, and she snorts, "Before you say anything, I don't need any advice from a woman who's only had two relationships in her life and still thinks she's on her honeymoon." When the Jailbird insists that she "won't stop caring," the Queen snottily tells her to "care in someone else's office." ZING! Lip Boy walks in to join in Eve's battle. Her Royal Highness states that if her minion really cared, he could have called, sent flowers or muffins or something. Muffins? Ryan tells her that she could have done the same thing. Amanda kicks them both out and sulks.

Have you noticed that my Tums have stayed very conveniently in their serving bowl and have not yet once passed into my digestive system? Are you as impressed as I am? Well, hang onto your hats, cuz Michael's back to entertain us some more! Perry comes up to Michael at the hospital and accepts Michael's check. He tells his lucky investor that the money will be wire transferred to his friend in New York by the end of the business day. "You're going to be a rich man," Perry apprises his amigo. "I'm gonna owe you about ten dinners!" exclaims our ecstatic Michael. "I'll take `em!" bubbles his bud. They hug (like only gay men dating Matt do), Perry implores his pal to call him, and they part all sweetness and light.

Wearing a completely inappropriate for the office black sweater with sparkly sequins all over it, Megan is on the phone in her office making reservations and booking a hotel suite "by the hour" and requesting that the bill be sent to her P.O. box. That P.O. box is getting a serious workout this episode. Wet Lips shows up and eavesdrops, holding yellow flowers (but no muffins). "I'll have to call you back," Hooker Girl says, and she hangs up. Lip Boy looks mighty uncomfortable and curious about the call. He asks her to lunch, which she declines, protesting that she has too much work. When he asks her for a dinner date, she says she'll be working some nights for a while. He asks her if she's going out of town, since he overheard her making hotel reservations. Megan says that he misunderstood and hurries him out the door. "Knock on my door when you get home. Don't worry about how late it is," Ryan insists. What? Knock on his door? Can't she just barge on in like everyone else does? Walking down the hall, Ryan bumps into the Empress, who is squeezed into a white body tourniquet decorated with a navy leaf pattern. He complains that Megan is overworked and he can't ever see her because of the big project Lexi put her on. Ever the instigator, the Empress casually replies that Megan doesn't have any special projects; she is only working with her usual clients. Perplexed, Ryan leaves.

Then we get a close-up of an UGLY pair of chunky black shoes, and the camera pans up to show us Amanda in her very conservative black business suit. She MUST be distraught if she's dressing like this! She flops down on the couch and hits "Play" on her answering machine. She hears Kyle's syrupy message about missing her and wanting to see her, and she looks reservedly hopeful and sad at the same time while she reminisces about the happier times like when the fake Christine got squished by the train and Rory tried to kill her and Taylor was always throwing herself at Kyle and stuff.

Down in the laundry room, Michael and Jane are doing some wash, about which Michael is grumbling. He says that soon they'll be rich enough to pay someone else to do that for them and may I once again ask just why the heck they're suddenly so broke and destitute? I mean, Michael has had the same job for 7 years during which time he's lived with an obsessive-compulsive Tupperware buyer, a Gidget-impersonating blackmailer, Mommy "Better Buy Stock In Toys 'R Us 'Cause I'm About To Wipe Out Their Inventory" Dearest, just to name a few, not to mention all the money he's invested in expensive dining, numerous engagement rings and weddings and the upkeep on his hideous haircut. He obviously needs to get some financial tips from the Empress who, according to my calculations, is the one who should be broke AND in prison. But I digress. Jane asks him what he means, since her father refused to give him a loan. Michael says that he scraped up the money (and why Jane doesn't immediately demand to know how is beyond me), and their troubles are about to be over. Jane realizes they are out of detergent and runs upstairs past Baby Lips who is on his way to "do laundry, watch T.V and go to bed alone." Michael asks him why, since he and Megan are back together, and I really don't know any heterosexual male who would even DREAM of asking that of another man, since he would probably get the "IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS" look, but remember, this is Melrose. Ryan asks Michael if Megan's past ever bothered him. "What, her being a hooker?" he asks. No, Michael, her living in a huge house with Shirley Jones. Michael says that it bothered him a bit at first, but he got over it. When asked if he thinks she'd ever do it again, he says no. Ryan tries to act like he's not at all worried, but then again, why did he bring it up? Hmmm?

At the Upstairs, the club is closed and G.I. D'oh is playing the blues. Literally. On the piano. Amanda walks in and looks all impressed-like at him, telling him that she didn't know he played the piano. Interesting. That's exactly what Jen said to him a few months ago. Kyle is obviously drunk, and when the Queen asks him why he's been drinking so much, he responds with, "I like to drink. Mmhmm. Gives me something to do. Dulls the pain." "What pain?" she asks. "The pain I feel when I look at you," he slurs. He tells her that the pressure she's been putting on him about the "baby crap" has made him nuts and he can't take it. He snarls that he's "so sick of being led around on a chain!" Amanda shouts "I want you out of the apartment and out of my life!" and she storms out. He keeps playing as she crumples onto the stairs and covers her face with her hands.

After the commercial break, we're back at 4616 where our faithful Queen, displaying those take-charge skills that make her such a successful businesswoman, is busy dumping Kyle's belongings on the couch. Wet Lips shows up, expressing disbelief that Amanda's giving up so easily, but she sets him straight by telling him that Kyle was the one who gave up, and by the way, here's his stuff. As Amanda marches into the bedroom and slams the door, Ryan winces, either because A) he doesn't like loud noises or B) he knows this means Kyle - and his stuff - will soon be living in the same apartment with Ryan.

Our favorite Idiot Doctor, Michael, zooms up to Perry's house only to discover movers there taking all the plants and furniture. Confused, he runs inside looking unsuccessfully for his new best friend, only to be told that this house had been used for a movie set and no one there knew any guy named Hutchins. Michael desperately calls Perry on the Batphone, only to find the number's been disconnected, and we all know it ain't because Perry's too poor to pay the bill. Michael takes off his sunglasses in bewilderment and now I'm beginning to think he must have wasted what few functioning brain cells he once had by sniffing glue while he slept and blackmailed his way through med school since it's obvious he has the I.Q. of beer nuts.

Lexi wants a report on "Operation Mr. Right," and Megan replies that she'll give her a list of five eligible candidates by tomorrow. Then Lexi springs it on Megan that instead of Lexi meeting these guys for herself, Megan has to go on the first date with them and check them out, thereby giving Lexi only the pre-approved ones. Somehow Megan doesn't see how this could be a bad idea, especially when Lexi reminds Megan that "Sterling-Conway-Lewis" has a nice ring to it. So does this: "pro-cure-ment." Some people never learn. Lexi's last helpful advice is as follows: "If you can get them to drink a lot, try to follow them into the mens room and just take a little peek." Megan wisely sets a limit here but then turns on her computer and discovers that Ryan is Lexi's "Mr. Right". Let the hijinks ensue!

Eve is lipsyncing, and badly too, when The Sharp Objects (the dreadful band from last week) straggles in, led by the dopest (or is that dopiest?) manager of them all, Rikki G. Eve can't concentrate with these guys staring at her, and I have to slightly revise my opinion here and say that any band that shuts Eve up like that is all right with me. Kyle staggers out of his lair, glad to see his New York pals and proud as a peacock when Rikki tells him that "This place rocks!" Funny how it was supposed to be a JAZZ CLUB. Unfortunately, the band has no lead vocalist, and Kyle the music industry expert informs Rikki that you can't make it in L.A. without a lead vocalist. Rikki asks Kyle if he could borrow Eve, because she's got a "hip sound" (snort) and her eyes "pierce [his] soul". Who said that nature abhors a vacuum? Kyle, who makes all of Eve's decisions for her, agrees to this arrangement, and Eve tries to get out of it but Kyle is eager to party and just waves her away.

For once, someone other than Eve is at the police station, and this time it's Mr. Beer Nuts, looking at mug shots. Not surprisingly, Michael finds Perry, who has a long history of scamming rich doctors. The detective can barely hold back his contempt for the glue-sniffing doctor as he explains that Perry's MO was to take lots of decongestants to bring up his heart rate, thereby faking a heart attack, and even though we all saw this scam coming I have to say I'm impressed at Perry's ingenuity here. "I think I'm going to be sick," moans Michael. "I'll walk you out," replies the detective, but when they get outside we see that Michael's car is being towed by one of the numerous repo agencies that roam the city. Giggling, the detective tells Michael that he'll take him home in the squad car, and that he'll even turn on the siren to cheer him up. Oooh goody! Maybe if he's a really good boy he'll get a lollipop, too!

The Jailbird is attempting to perform with The Sharp Objects (after learning all the lyrics to their songs in a single soundcheck), but they're getting overly friendly with her, licking her and crowding her personal space and making her lip syncing even worse than usual. Kyle is helpfully drinking with Rikki, who mauls Eve when she comes over to tell Kyle she's had enough. Eve stomps off, but Kyle catches up to her and threatens her with various things like being fired. Eve has a valid reason for not wanting to associate with these lowlifes - "I'm an ex-con whose husband doesn't know about my past," she reminds Kyle, helpfully filling in any new viewers. This goes nowhere, and she leaves. Lip Boy, who always seems to be lurking in the background, comes up and asks Kyle what's going on and oh, by the way, he has all Kyle's stuff because Amanda threw him out for good this time. GI D'oh, enraged, prepares to tear up his office again, but Ryan attempts to take him home instead. The brothers McBride scuffle briefly before Ryan gives Kyle his keys and skedaddles. Kyle throws the keys at the door where Ryan was and looks tormented.

Michael is home from a rough day at Chumps Anonymous. For some reason, Jane's glad to see him, and she's all excited because she bought them matching Rolexes like they've always wanted because she believes in him, and since she believes in him so much she had the watches engraved so now they can't be returned. This is vaguely reminiscent of that story "The Gift of the Magi," except that Michael has nothing to offer in return except the revelation that he embezzled $100,000 from children, gave it to a stranger, and got laughed at by a policeman, but he keeps this to himself so as not to spoil the mood. Michael is overcome with emotion as Jane promises him "no more laundry, no more takeout, and no more cheap watches," and the funny part is that Jane's right because in their current state they can't afford those things at all. Besides, since when is getting takeout a sign of poverty? If Jane had pledged "no more eating cold Spaghetti-Os out of the can," well, that I'd take seriously.

Amanda knocks on Ryan's door, but gets a nasty surprise when Doy Boy pops out like a hungover jack-in-the-box. They're vaguely civil to each other at first, and Kyle sort of makes an attempt to gain her forgiveness with the lame explanation that he's "going through something," but the Queen dismisses that and says "I don't know you anymore." Taking the bait, Kyle tells Amanda that he's glad she didn't get pregnant, because no child could ever live up to her expectations. Everyone who thinks she's already knocked up, raise your hand!

At Wilshire Memorial, Dr. Glue-Sniffer has volunteered to be the Treasurer of the Children's Foundation. There's some discussion with Peter because the auditor's coming over this morning, but basically we all know what's going on here.

I hear the Beastie Boys, and this tells me we're finally away from the Upstairs and at another nightclub. Yay! Ryan is having a drink with a prospective client when he spots Megan with one of Lexi's dates and immediately suspects the worst. Funny how he's not worried about Megan seeing him at the club with a guy. Ryan's client excuses himself to make a "pit stop," which to my poor addled brain sounded like "piss stop," but we don't have time to dwell on that because we're whisked over to Megan's table where she's trying to explain to the date what the real situation is - i.e., that she is the "warmup date" for the woman who placed the ad. Oddly enough, he doesn't get up and leave, letting us know that he's really A) stupid or B) desperate. He asks if they can go to a restaurant instead and she agrees, so he gives her some money for the valet and she takes it. Witness to all this is Lip Boy who does his best to look alarmed.

Amanda is in her office in the dark when Jailbird Lip-Syncing Sensation Eve comes in and tries to reassure her. It doesn't work, because Amanda blames herself for the dissolution of her marriage and every other relationship she's ever been in. As the bosom buddies stare out the window, Amanda looks all sad because her marriage is kaput, and Eve looks sad not because of Amanda's marriage but because those vertical blinds remind her of her old prison bars.

Peter is getting takeout from Kyle's and gets the added bonus of Kyle grilling him about where Eve is. You'd think that with Kyle being a jerk and all, Peter would avoid the place, but oh that's right there are no other restaurants in L.A. since Jake sold Shooters. Peter advises Doy Boy to leave Eve alone and to lay off the booze and pills, so of course Kyle completely reforms on the spot. Yeah, right. "Don't believe everything the songbird tells you... or should I say jailbird," warns Kyle, and Peter makes Kyle explain that by threatening to tell the Queen about Kyle supposedly shooting blanks. Since Kyle is just dying to tell Peter anyway, he spills it as church bells and angry guitars clash in the background. Peter looks stunned as we fade to black.

--written by zinc and Ellen, edited by Stacie and zinc

An unshaven Peter confronts Eve, Michael gets into a sexual harassment mess with the woman who used to be Jennifer on "Days of Our Lives", Ryan and Kyle throw each other around the apartment, and Amanda and Kyle talk D-I-V-O-R-C-E.