Eve, having successfully avoided the grubby pawing of Rikki G's band, wanders back into Melrose Place looking for her bizarre husband in the wee hours. He hadn't come home last night, and she feared he had run off to the Bob Hope Golf Classic. To her surprise, Peter is sitting slumped against the wall, looking quite straggly. After she asks, "Where were you? Did you triple-bogey the 18th?" he replies with a casual "So you killed someone?" Eve, shocked that he knows, says it was an accident. Peter starts yelling, "What else have you been lying about? Your love? The fact that you're lip-synching every night?" Amanda, who of course has NEVER yelled in the courtyard in the middle of the night, comes out and tells them to keep it down. Peter says mockingly, "Well, well, look who's here! The best friend!" Amanda at first thinks that Eve confessed to Peter, and she's shocked to hear that Kyle did it. Frankly, so is Peter -- he thinks that his wife or Little Miss Matchmaker 'Manda should have told him. He stalks off. Eve goes to follow him, and Amanda tries to hold her back. A furious Eve blames Amanda for the situation: "I had no choice but to follow your orders like some puppy dog! You never give anybody any choice -- it's Alpo or it's nothing! From now on, butt out of my life. Woof!" Sure, Eve, it's all Amanda's fault: I must have missed those scenes where she put a gag on you every night to keep you from spilling the beans to Petey.

Here come the credits. Hey, Julie Adams is in this. She was the gal in "Creature from the Black Lagoon" back in the '50s. If she has any scenes with Ryan, then she'll have appeared with TWO wet-lipped wonders!

Amanda marches over to Upstairs first thing in the morning and sees Kyle sleeping it off on the couch. She hurls a bottle at the innocent wall and yells a line that Heather can probably do in her sleep by now: "You bastard!" G.I. D'oh snaps out of it, and she gives him hell for revealing Eve's secret. Saying she can't live like this anymore, she asks the groggy Kyle if he wants a divorce. He says, "Do you want to know why I've been like this? Do you want the whole sordid truth?" Just as he's about to tell all, the sticky Rikki G. -- music's answer to Mickey Rourke -- enters the room, and Kyle reverts to Pig Mode. Amanda leaves, unsure what to do next.

We jump over to the hospital, where all the doctors are attending a lecture on ... sexual harassment! The woman giving the lecture says that Wilshire Memorial "has absolutely no tolerance" for it. "Theft, malpractice, black-market baby rings, attempted murder ... they're OK, but sexual harassment is right out!" Doctors should never, ever fraternize with nurses, and several staffers are on a "watch list" for sexual troublemakers. Peter, who's in a bad mood to start with, replies, "Young lady, this is crap!" She retaliates by saying that he, as chief of staff, is "obligated to report any suspicious activity". Peter does his Dr. McCoy impersonation: "I'm a doctor, not a spy." Michael yells from his chair, "You tell her, Peter!" When you get encouragement from Michael, you know you're in trouble! As the meeting breaks up, the sweaty Dr. Visconti tries to add his two cents, but the woman says, "Dr. Puddles, you're already ON the watch list. Your intern-dating days are over." Michael, ever helpful, whispers to him, "Go for the candy-stripers. They're not technically employees!" He's great!

Michael rushes after Peter, who impatiently says he's heading up north to deal with some things. In fact, Peter is in such a weird mood that he tells Michael he can be Acting Chief of Staff while he's away! Oh, the humanity! In a couple of days, Michael can cause more havoc at that hospital than Marilyn Manson on Sesame Street. Peter accidentally bumps into the lovely new Nurse Audrey, who immediately shares a loving gaze with Michael. As Audrey walks away, Michael says conspiratorially to Peter, "Fresh meat from Pediatrics!" You're a big ho, Michael!

Over at Sterling-Conway, Megan tells the Empress that she's tiring of the manhunt. "Seeing these gorgeous men night after night, feeling totally exhausted all the time ... why, people will think I'm a hooker!" Lexi pleads with her to hang in there: "Megan, you're my best friend!" BEST FRIEND?! But what about when Lexi tried to steal Coop from her? What about ... uh oh, the feedback loop is kicking in ... "Scully, I have to tell you about the black oil." ... okay, I'm better now. Lexi says she's been burned too often to risk regular dating again. No, you're friggin' lazy! Get off that luscious butt! She wants just one man, with the guideline of "more Ryan McBride, less Peter and Coop." Megan, who saw that Ryan is the "perfect match" for Lexi, says nothing about that, but she still agrees to keep looking. When is Megan going to stop doing things for other people? You know she's going to eventually give up Ryan for Lexi's sake. Sheesh! Be selfish, dammit!

Back at the hospital, nubile Nurse Audrey butters up Michael over his operation on a burn patient. "Wow, Dr. Mancini, that was amazing. I've never seen anyone apply salve like you! The way you rubbed it in while that man screamed for the release of death..." "Yeah, I am pretty good!" As Audrey walks off, the veteran Nurse Amy - who appears to have gone to the Mancini Weedwacker Hair Salon - gives Michael a dirty look. "Ah, c'mon!" he protests. "I'm a happily married man!" Jane picks that moment to show up, and Michael walks off with her. He wants to go out to a restaurant for dinner, but Jane says, "Honey, we're broke. We'll have to stick with takeout, even though that's pretty expensive, too, and it's only dumb Hollywood writers who think it's cheap." Michael poo-poohs the idea! "Hey, if the IRS could conveniently forget about Lexi, why should we worry about funds?"

Peter travels to Oakhurst, California, Eve's hometown. He looks over the microfilm records at the local library and reads about Eve's arrest and her "victim." As the young librarian tells him it's closing time, she notices what he's reading. "Oh, that murder! I know all about that! My brother went to high school with the boy who was killed. Isn't this a weird coincidence?" Peter says, "No weirder than Eve being completely paranoid about her past, yet neglecting to lie about her real name and hometown." "Uh, yeah, whatever. He was the son of the Demarr family. They own the biggest house in town." Peter then says he wants to talk to them, at which point she refuses to help him. However, since she's already told him they have the biggest house in town, Peter figures the Demarrs shouldn't be too hard to find. Oh, aren't you clever! Of course, in a REAL town, rich houses are surrounded by other rich houses. Lotsa luck!

Back at Melrose Place that night, a grimy Ryan has been working on his car. As he walks through the courtyard, he sees Megan saying goodnight to a muscle guy who gives her a kiss on the cheek. He walks over to her and starts fishing for answers, but Saint Megan is clueless. She gets all cutesy with him and entices him into the apartment. Lip Boy is still hoping to find out what's up, but he must battle the impulses of his lower half. After Megan walks into the shower to prepare for wild sex, Ryan wanders into her kitchen where he sees a letter from the phone company: "Dear Ms. Lewis, this is to inform you that you've been approved for an 800 number. Please tell your customers to use 1-800-LUST-MONKEY. In defiance of all reality, this service will be activated the instant that anyone reads this letter." Ryan picks up the phone, calls the number, and hears Megan's voice: "Looking for the woman of your dreams? Come to my pleasure palace where you'll be interviewed until you pass out." Ryan is convinced that Megan is turning tricks. He quickly yells an excuse to her about being paged by Mistress Amanda and he leaves. Megan steps out, wearing a black towel and wondering what to do with the strawberries and garden hose.

That clever Peter makes his way to the Demarr house, having narrowly escaped the pit bulls guarding the five other big houses he went to first. An older, slightly drunk lady (Julie Adams) introduces herself as Mrs. Demarr, and Peter sees that there's a cocktail party going on to celebrate the opening of a new hospital. Peter, never one to look a ridiculous plot device in the mouth, announces that he's a doctor and Mrs. Demarr immediately assumes that he's a guest of the party. How convenient! She and Peter make their way through the crowd, eventually winding up in the study, where a huge portrait of her dead football player son, Klod, hangs from the wall. "That was my only son," says Mrs. Demarr helpfully. "He was killed by his girlfriend -- a piece of trailer trash." As she goes into venomous details, Mr. Demarr wanders over and wonders who the hell Peter is and why his wife is giving him so many plot details. "I'm Eve Cleary's husband," Peter says smugly. He says he's looking for the truth, but that doesn't go over well with the Demarrs. As the stunned guests stop eating their brie, the thug-like sheriff escorts Peter out of the house and tosses him down the stairs. The sheriff says, "You tell that lying bitch of a wife of yours that if she shows her face in this town again, she's dead meat!" Hey, wasn't she MARRIED in this town? It wasn't such a big deal back when ... uh oh ... "Mulder, you're so paranoid!" "And you're hot, Scully!" ... okay, I'm fine.

The next day, Jane drives Michael to the hospital since she needs the car. That's fine, but does Jane have to walk into the hospital with Michael to say goodbye to him? Michael fears that he'll have to take (gasp!) the bus if their finances don't improve. They kiss goodbye, but as Jane walks over to the elevator, she sees him casually flirting with Nurse Audrey. Jane, Jane, Jane ... if you insist on putting yourself through another tortuous relationship with Michael, I hope you'll at least get twisted and go back to your evil stalking days!

Peter, staying at a motel in Oakhurst, gets a visitor -- a guy who says he was a friend of Eve's. This must be the only motel in Oakhurst, since Peter didn't exactly advertise where he was staying. The man says, "The Demarrs have their hand in everything" and that the family covered up many facts about the night their son was killed. "Klod was a pig -- boozing, swearing, cow tipping -- and he bragged to the guys that he would nail Amanda Woodward whether she liked it or not. Hulk thought he was talking about carpentry, but Hulk was wrong." As Klod tried to rape Amanda in the football stands, Eve came to her aid and pushed Klod off, killing him. The guy told the sheriff the truth, but the Demarrs squashed the facts, and the guy had to back down. He tells Peter, "She got a bad rap." Peter, realizing he's been a massive boob, thanks the guy.

Megan, wearing a tight-fitting black-and-blue number, walks over to Ryan's apartment that evening just as he's leaving. She asks, "What's going on?" He says, "Yeah, what's going on?" Oh, he's a sharp one, that Ryan! She apparently has work to do -- in that outfit? -- but she doesn't leave before Mickey Rourke, I mean Rikki G., arrives looking for the absent Kyle. Rikki leers at Megan, then tosses a package to Ryan, saying it's for Kyle's eyes only. All good drug dealers hand over narcotics to other people, right?

Back in Oakhurst, Peter walks across the deserted football field at night, reliving painful memories of his father ... oh, sorry, that was the deserted golf range. He turns around to find Eve, which is no big surprise. Much calmer now, he says, "I'm trying to imagine what it was like the night you killed Klod. I'm also trying to figure out when and how Amanda left California, went to Florida, and married Antonio Sabato Jr. before coming back to California." Admitting that he read about Eve in the library, he adds, "You can't always believe what you read." At that point, three -- count 'em, three -- police cars drive up, lights flashing. Before you can say "Walking Tall," the sheriff, Mr. Demarr, and a half-dozen officers step out, and the sheriff says, "You're trespassing on private property!" Peter gets his dander up (whatever that means) and lets them have it! He tells the sheriff, "Is that how it works here? The man with the money makes the rules? Well, I've worked for Aaron Spelling for years, and I can tell you that ... oh, damn, the man with the money DOES make the rules! Well, anyhow, you're not going to get away with it. You lay one hand on me or my wife, and I guarantee that there'll be an independent prosecutor sniffing around your clothes tomorrow." They back off! Peter gets cocky, puts his arm around Eve, and walks straight past the officers and Demarr. Eve thinks, "My hero!"

Kyle returns home and gets a package of drugs thrown in his face by Ryan. Wet Lips yells at him for getting hooked on this crap, and the staggering Kyle angrily says, "Don't mess with me, Ryan." Ryan shoves him, Kyle takes a pathetic swing, and Ryan shoves him again. After Ryan says, "You NEED that stuff," Kyle grabs the bag and flushes it down the toilet. He says, "I don't need anything or anyone, and that includes you, little brother." He slams the bathroom door and gets sweaty. Meanwhile, the L.A. sewer rats start popping pills.

Our favorite glue-sniffing doctor is standing around the nurses' station surrounded by heavenly looking nurses and Nurse Bad Hair Day. He announces that, as Acting Chief Of Staff, he's taken the liberty of promoting one of them to "Head Floor Nurse." As he stands facing Nurse Audrey/Jennifer he smiles and proudly talks about all "she's" done and how hard "she's" worked so naturally everyone thinks this newcomer who's been in all of 2 scenes and whose most significant work so far is kissing Michael's ass is the one getting promoted. But, no, the promotion goes to Nurse Amy who, ironically, Michael has had his back to the entire time. Everyone oohs and aahs and congratulates her with the exception of Audrey who, instead, slaps Michael across the face shouting, "You bastard!" As she walks off in a huff, she passes Peter, who immediately demands to know what's going on. Michael explains about the promotion and guesses that Audrey is envious, so Peter runs off after her. Lucky for him, she's just boarded a magic elevator - you know, the kind that don't move and the doors don't start to close until just before the hero gets there to stick his arm into the metal jaws, thus stopping the elevator and saving the day. Peter tells Audrey how he can understand her disappointment, especially seeing as how she's only been there "a couple weeks" but if she just sticks around for 7 more seasons she, too, might get promoted and I'm sorry but if I was running the only hospital in a city as big as Los Angeles I wouldn't waste my time coddling a new-hire. Doesn't he have better things to do like save lives or attend power lunches or something? Audrey replies, "Then Michael shouldn't have made me those promises," and exits the elevator which, again magically, has arrived at her floor in all of 2 seconds. Before the doors close, Peter asks her what promises she's referring to so she tells him solemnly, "He promised me the world."

Ryan goes to visit Lexi at her Mood Hair Advertising Agency where she's wearing a see-through black blouse and a pale blue skirt that closely resembles a bath towel wrapped around her waist. He tells her he's having problems with Megan's "new assignment" (even though Lexi told him that there WAS no new assignment just last week), so Lexi urges him to tell her all about his relationship problems. For whatever God-forsaken reason, Lip Boy tells her about his non-existent sex life and confides that he thinks Megan is hooking again. The Empress scoffs and reminds him that Megan is her "star accounting executive" and, besides, she "hated that life" and would never return to it. She adds that such behavior would be considered "moonlighting," which Lexi doesn't tolerate and would, therefore, get Megan fired immediately. This ridiculous explanation seems to satisfy Ryan who then eats Chinese food with Lexi. Whatever!

Michael is in the courtyard leaving his apartment just as Peter arrives home. Michael tries to make a clean getaway but Peter stops him and asks if there's "anything [Michael] wants to tell [him]." Michael mistakenly thinks he's referring to the missing Children's Foundation money and starts to explain but is cut short by Dr. Foot-In-Mouth who brings up Audrey's name. "Oh... you're talking about Audrey," breathes a relieved Michael. Peter pleads for the truth to be that Michael didn't make promises to her or sleep with her because the last thing the hospital needs right now is a sexual harassment suit, despite the fact it would be an exciting storyline. Michael denies all of this saying, "She's a whacko," which, according to his own track record, can only mean it's just a matter of time before he's married to her. Michael walks off, and Amanda comes down from her apartment to ask Peter how he and Eve are doing. He tells her everything is just peachy-keen, hunky-dory fine and explains how he went back to Eve's hometown, met the Demarrs and learned THE TRUTH - not just about Eve but about Amanda as well. He then proceeds to attack Amanda for not standing up for Eve, and Amanda is quick to point out that she did testify on Eve's behalf. "You did everything but share the blame. Everything you've done for her is out of guilt - especially those ridiculous Loreal commercials!" Peter bellows and then turns to go in to his apartment leaving a dumbfounded Amanda speechless.

Kyle arrives at his partially built house frame and is surprised to see Amanda there as well. Doy Boy explains that he's supposed to meet the architect there, but it appears Amanda had the architect call so she could talk to Kyle herself. Apparently it's easier to arrange meetings with estranged spouses on cliffs in the middle of nowhere instead of just walking across the courtyard and knocking on their door. Amanda asks what Kyle wants to do about the house, which Kyle says "got off to a good start." "Sort of like our marriage," replies Amanda who then apologizes for coming on so strong about the baby and the house and not letting him "explain about New York." She finishes by telling Kyle how she misses him and loves him and wants him to come home. Kyle agrees, and they cautiously hug one another.

Peter is sitting on the side of the bed where the Jailbird is sleeping peacefully when she wakes up and asks what's bothering him. Peter asks, "Why weren't you honest with me?" to which Eve replies, "How do you tell the man you love you were in prison?" Carrier pigeon? Singing telegram? Eve explains that she was afraid Peter would reject her and she "didn't want to lose [him]." "I don't want to lose you either," Peter mumbles and they hug and look thoughtful.

Ryan goes to Megan's and asks her point blank, "Are you hooking again?" careful to mention her new 800-number, hotel suite, the fact she's out with a different guy every night and the fact he saw "money changing hands" the previous week at Not-Shooters-And-Not-Kyle's-And-Not-The-Upstairs bar. Megan is understandably defensive until Ryan lets it slip that he's in love with her. The conversation then goes off on a brief tangent while Megan goo-goos, "I love you, too," and the dysfunctional couple kiss. Returning from Never-Never-Land, Megan explains that she's interviewing men as Lexi's potential "Mr. Right," comparing the entire process to a game show with Hooker Girl as the host and the Empress as the prize behind door #3. She then thanks Ryan for his inspiration because he's such a swell guy and I not only overdose on my trusty Tums, I also call my broker and buy stock in the company.

Peter, Michael and a bunch of stuffed suits are sitting around a table discussing the money for the Children's Foundation. Peter asks Michael repeatedly to tell him how much money they actually have and, after some hemming and hawing, Michael tells him it's in the ballpark of $300,000. No sooner does he get the numbers out of his mouth when Nurse Whacko runs in demanding to speak with Peter immediately. Dr. Smooth tries to get her to postpone her spewage until a more appropriate time, but Audrey decides it's now or never and tells everyone how Michael promised her a promotion in exchange for sex... more than once. As she starts listing all the places they've been, Michael pleads with Peter, "You know me! It's a lie!" and given Beer Nuts' history, I don't think that line is going to work. Ironically, a no-name doctor at the table says just that so Michael boldly states, "I swear I never had sexual relations with this woman." OK... did you ever share cigars with her? Audrey snaps, "Call it what you will. I slept with you, pleasured you, closed escrow with you, decorated the tree with you..." Peter pulls Michael out into the hallway where, despite his pleas of innocence, Dr. Glue Sniffer is suspended on the spot, pending a full investigation.

Over at the Upstairs, the Jailbird is sporting a new leopard print blouse crafted from Amanda's old sheets and a Sydney-esque bouffant hairdo as she whines - errrr, sings - "...always out in the rain..." The song is pretty awful but, lucky for us, Rikki Dude's crap house band is playing along. Hard to believe this caliber of entertainment is FREE. The song ends and Eve breezes over to the bar where her Smooth Doctor husband is sitting and plants a vaccuum kiss on him that threatens to end his own singing career. He praises her work, she thanks him for being there, and I wash down my Tums with a bottle of Maalox. Eve heads for the bathroom leaving her dear hubby wide open for the Attack Of The Mood Hair Empress. Lexi slithers over to Peter and states, "I think you owe me an apology." WHAT?!?!? No "I told you so?" No biting sarcasm? Pardon me for a moment while I struggle not to shut the television off right here. Peter oozes, "You're right - you were telling the truth for a change" as I toss the remote control across the room to resist the unbearable temptation. Lexi remarks that his apology is "lame" but accepts it anyway. She then asks if Peter is still in love with Eve or if he's doing some kind of "community service give an ex-con a home." Peter just laughs and says, "I really love her," so Lexi tells him, "Then I'm really happy for you," and suggests he buy her a drink as part of a truce. He agrees, they shake on it, and Lexi turns to the bartender to order a "Sex On A Beach." Now THAT'S more like it!

The Queen and her faithful Doy Boy are busily moving his stuff back in to her apartment amidst some very awkward tension. Amanda tries to put both herself and Kyle at ease by suggesting they order a pizza, but Kyle isn't hungry. As he goes out to get the rest of his things (funny how he didn't seem to have this much stuff when he moved OUT last week), Amanda takes an unopened wine bottle sitting on the kitchen counter and returns it to the wine rack. Kyle returns, so Amanda suggests watching TV but since there's nothing on this late except for reruns of Aaron Spelling shows, she settles for some music and flips on the stereo. A syrupy ballad is playing with some guy singing about "the first time I saw you," so Amanda anxiously suggests she switch the station. However G.I. D'oh who, by the way, isn't wearing his Dylan McKay black leather jacket for the first time in weeks - tells her to leave the music on and the happy couple dances as we fade to black.

--written by Ken and Stacie, edited by zinc

Next week Melrose Place will not be shown so that FOX may bring you "Another Awards Show You Don't Want To Watch." However, in two weeks, Pop McBride comes to town, Michael tells Jane about his lawsuit but she doesn't believe him, Kyle's dad urges him to tell Amanda he's sterile, but just as Kyle goes to tell Amanda she tells him, "I've gotta tell you something, too."