Jane passes Wet-Baby-Lips by the mailboxes, saying "hello" and ever so gently segueing into the arrival of the long-unawaited, completely unexpected Mr. McBride. And as we all say “Isn’t that Kelly Taylor’s felonious father Bill from 90210?” we are reminded yet once again that all an actor has to do is appear on one Spelling show to secure a lifetime of future acting gigs. Ryan coldly greets him, asking what the heck he's doing here. "Hey do I need an excuse to visit my boys?" he replies. I'd call that excuse sweeps month! I hope he follows in the tradition of evil patriarchs so established by this show and Twin Peaks. Lip Boy’s in a rush and can't stay, though daddy tries to stall him. But Ryan tells him to go on up and see Kyle in his apartment. "Fine" says Pop, "but come on home early so we can crack open a few beers and get something to eat like old times." Ryan's enthusiasm is akin to that of a war prisoner. He heads off.

Up in the apartment, G.I. D’oh looks like he's JUST gotten out of 'Nam as he can't even decide what he wants for breakfast or hold a conversation. His Queen is quite accepting, though. Until now. Here's daddy at the door. No sooner does she open up, than daddy comes out with "You're not too hard to look at, are ya?" and walks on in. Amanda, dumbfounded as a federal employee, whirls and asks for an I.D. Kyle warmly greets his daddy and gives him a hug. Daddy intros himself to Mandy as Matt McBride. Amanda chuckles and says "pleasure to meet you." Yeah, in that case you can sexually harass me all you want!! Daddy McBride compliments her to death. He still hasn't revealed any real reason for visiting, just that mommy's away at her sister's place and he had some time to roam. He accidentally lets slip with Ryan had to run off, "jumping through hoops for some slave-drivin' boss." OOPS! "That would be me!" replies the Slave-Queen. She tells him Ryan's a key player in her company and that she can handle the boardroom. "How 'bout the bedroom - got a bun in the oven yet?" Pat Ireland and the Super Fems would have a field day if this guy were real. She says she's working on it. Daddy wants to go to the "head" to clean up "like a gent." To those of you in Rio Linda, CA - that means "bathroom" in more enlightened times. Her Highness likes him, she says. Why, we have no idea. Kyle says he thinks everything's gonna be alright, which means it's not. To the credits....

By the way, Heather's turn to be producer again...

Amanda pays a visit to the Burns-Cleary apartment haven to collect her rent check. The Jailbird, not wanting to be burdened with the stigma of creativity, tells the Queen it's in the mail. It's often very efficient to mail a check to a person who lives 100 feet away from you. Amanda asks to come in. Eve succumbs. Amanda says she regrets telling Eve to lie to Peter about her past. After some cajoling, Amanda agrees that she is apologizing. Eve would not have known what to tell the good doctor anyhow. Then we have to hear Amanda tell us again how domineering and overbearing (i.e. what a bitch) she is. Eve insists, however, that she is a GOOD bitch. The wicked bitch of the west (coast) hugs Eve and promised not to interfere in her life again. And let me just ask right here whether or not Eve is aware that her loving husband not only spent time in prison HIMSELF, but he also attempted to murder Amanda with a nasty syringe. Who’s keeping the more dangerous secret here, hmmm?

We're at Sterling-Conway-Netscape-AOL headquarters in the office of President/CEO/dateless Lexi. Megan enters with the bad news that she's spilled the beans about the Find-My-Guy marketing plan to Wet Lips. The Empress is reasonably upset, since Ryan could easily tell his slave-driving boss Amanda, who might use this info for nefarious purposes. Hooker Girl shows Lexi a photo of bachelor #3, a Hasselhoff- esque pharmaceutical dealer named Gary Johnson. An impressed Lexi tells Megan she'll have to play warm-up date again, despite her commitments to Ryan. Megan then garners the idea that they should double date this evening, to "relieve the pressure." The Empress, at first unwilling, gives in. But then Megan remembers that she has to meet Big Daddy McBride tonight and pushes the date off to tomorrow - Valentine's Day. She walks out before Lexi can get annoyed or my stomach can get rumbly enough to force me to crunch down another handful of those calcium-enriched Melrose mints.

Now down at Wilshire, in the nurses' locker room, Nurse extraordinaire Audrey is modeling lingerie for us, adjusting her leggings. Now the guys are saying screw the summary, get me the videotape! Just relax. Jane strides in to confront her. She introduces herself as Mrs. Mike and asks for an explanation. As she stands lovingly in her lace bra, she relays to Jane the "story." Michael harassed her, she said. Jane says, "You were bothering him!" Then Audrey re-states that Michael promised her a promotion in return for sexual favors - the one that instead went to Nurse Amy, whom no one wishes to sleep with. Depends on how you define promotion, I guess. Michael never used leverage, says Jane, to bed a woman. Well this smart, well- endowed cookie held out for her due. And then she seals it by revealing all the little titillating things Mike does for foreplay. "Enough!" says an angered Jane, who figures out what's goin' on.

Daddy, D’oh and Slave-Driver await Ryan at Kyle's. Ryan and the Missus walk on in. Daddy wastes no time laying it on with the ex-hooker. "You don't look like no librarian," he says. I was hoping for "You look hot enough to be a call girl." Mr. McB then takes aim at his bookworm son, saying he wouldn't want to spend a career hunched over a desk. "Better than being hunched over a pool table with your drinking buddies," counters Wet Lips. Ryan tries to bust out of there, but the Queen calms him down and sits him.

At the complex, Michael arrives home (so he thinks) from the gym to find that the locks have been changed. Jane opens the door, and instead of pillows, she is throwing his belongings at him. As tennis balls and clothing float peacefully in the pool, the Pool God is heard to rumble his approval: “Ahhh…I haven’t received such loot since Craig tossed me those wedding gifts! I will remember you for this, Jane Mancini.” Jane has no desire to "talk it out" with her philandering hubby. End of scene.

The restaurant follies continue. Mr. McB has downed a shot and is trying to change tune by complimenting his bookworm son. Ryan does not take it as such. Kyle goes off to check on dinner. Amanda asks the big guy about his Marine days. Daddy spews the old "semper fi" speech. He says you always stay true to your buddies and not "rat them out" like Ryan did with his corrupt Wall Street partner on trial. We knew that perjury was okay if it involved sex, but now we also know that it’s okay if it involves your close male buddy. "A man never turns in his friends," says dad. Our favorite ex-hooker breaks out of her shell and kicks in her defense, saying Ryan is indeed a man and that he's certainly more educated than his dad. Amanda tells her to cool it. Daddy strikes back saying "I don't need a woman to defend me." Ryan then ejects himself from the game, apologizing to Amanda.

As he and Megan storm out, she asks, in a serious mode mind you, that she hopes she hasn't made things worse. Hmm. Baby Lips was never dad's favorite - he never bragged about him to his drinking buddies, as if their memory retention exceeded an hour. It was always Kyle this Kyle that. Kyle Kyle Marcia Marcia Marcia!! Ryan peaks into a further rage, and swings hard, bashing the passenger window of his car. And cutting himself up. Oooh how manly. Megan tends to him, and Ryan affectionately tells her he's proud of her - since she was the first woman to ever stick up for him like that.

At AWA, Lip Boy and the Queen are discussing business when she informs him that they are planning a surprise party for Kyle’s birthday this eve and would like him to attend. Gee, how many more surprises can we take! And she calls Megan a troublemaker!! Ryan does not take this as a good idea, but after some convincing, agrees to attend.

More surprises at the hospital, where Peter and Michael are sitting in at Michael's disciplinary hearing. The hospital bigwigs staunchly indicate that they will NOT be indemnifying Mike for any costs here. Mike looks shocked. After all, he's so talented. Can't we make an exception for me?? No, they say. You should have been listening to the 1-800-DENTIST woman at the seminar, Mike. Peter has no choice but to suspend Michael from his duties until the investigation is over. Mike runs out, followed by Peter. Guess what? This means Mike will have to relinquish his duties with the children's fund, which he defrauded. Michael insists on continuing, since he "loves the children" so much. But Pete tells him he's gotta hand over the books. Mike doesn't know where they are, he says. I thought they were on the computer.…

Michael reaches the end of the hall where he meets Nurse Amy and the crowd. It is at this point where he launches into one of the finer constitutional moments on any FOX show, defending at length a man's right to stare at buttocks and use slightly lewd language while patriotic music plays in the background. Bravo Michael! He gets a standing ovation from the assembled workmates - but of course they were already up.

Well, the foursome is on their double date at a venue other than Kyle's or the Upstairs Non-Jazz Club. Hooker Girl tries to make intelligent conversation, but the Empress keeps getting naughty, asking poor Gary if he can last all night, etc. Ryan comments on how well Gary is doing professionally. Lexi intercedes, "of course, or he wouldn't have made the cut!" Megan intercedes and brings everyone out to dance. As they begin to dance, Megan prays that Lexi can relax a bit. Wet Lips knows she's blowing it, though. After the guy laments about how every Valentine's Day is a bust, Lexi asks him if she is every bit the woman he expected. He tells her he admires her initiative, and she follows up by telling him to admire "this" - maneuvering his hand to her shapely buttocks. The fellow walks off, calling the whole thing a joke. Megan foolishly chases after him, as the Empress takes over with Ryan. Baby Lips believes she has purposefully screwed it up. As they dance, he proceeds to give her advice which hopefully will change her outlook on things, among his tips to "show a vulnerable side" so that guys will not be intimidated. She is obviously somewhat grateful as she gives him a big kiss. When Megan comes back, she says she can't believe what Lexi did to the poor guy. Lexi concedes defeat and once again reminds Megan what a great guy she's got there. As she walks off, she ominously watches them kiss on the dance floor.

Peter visits his Jailbird bride in her dressing room. As he comments on the scarcity of her outfit, she tells him that she and the band are planning a little tour to San Frannie for a few days with the Dirtbags. What I want to know is DID I MISS AN EPISODE? Why is Eve all snuggly wuggly happy sappy about hanging out with this loser band of guys who she previously hated who like to lick her on stage? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Now Peter is visibly upset that she's taking off and that they can't spend a little time together. And telling him it's OK with her parole officer only seems to add insult to injury. She says she needs a little freedom after 15 years of being cooped up in prison. Great reason to marry, girl! But she promises that she'll be back in time for them to resume some good relations and get back to married life.

Peter confronts Kyle in the club. Doy Boy introduces him to his dad, who comments on Peter's snazzy looks. When Kyle tells his dad that Pete was once married to Amanda and is now his personal doctor, daddy displays the same incredulity that we in the viewing public do weekly. Peter calls it "very L.A." Daddy summarizes it better than I ever could - "You people are too damn close to each other!" and walks away. This allows Peter to discuss Eve. Kyle believes she can handle herself on tour, but Peter of course disagrees. He asks why she can't have a little time off, but this only serves to annoy Kyle more. Peter sees that he has resumed the drinking and pills, but an apathetic G.I. D’oh tells him that its outside office hours and shut up already.…

Over at the Sterling-Conway offices (are we ever going to meet this Conway person?), Lexi is wearing some tight black mesh outfit, presumably left behind in the '80s by Siouxsie & The Banshees. She tells Megan she's ready for her next he-man candidate, but Megan makes a wussy attempt to drop out of the project, encouraging Lexi to step in directly. Lexi shoots down that idea, but she adds, "I can get back on that horse anytime. I'm not a bad rider." Megan replies, "You are a bad rider! You use that riding crop WAY too much! No wonder I can't find you a mate." "Hey, Megan, just hit me with your best shot." "This is not a battlefield!" "Hell -- Hell is for children. Are there any other Pat Benatar songs we can squeeze in here, darlin'?" "Hmmm, no." "Well, I need a lover who won't drive me crazy. Mr. Right has got to be on that list." Megan says, "Then you'd better find him yourself." "Fine!"

Papa Smurf McBride looks on as Kyle watches the crew of extras working on his dream house by the cliff. "Ya gotta stay on top of these guys, Kyle. One day, they'll be building your house. The next day, they'll be office workers on Charmed." Smurf gets introspective as he envisions Kyle and Amanda's future family: "Ah, your kids, they're a part of you..." "Uh, Pop?" "...Yeah, they keep growing and growing, resenting you all the time..." "Hey, Pop?" "...Then one day they dump you into an old folks' home and say, 'Bye, Geezer'..." "Yo, POP!!" Kyle tells him about how he feels he was affected by the Gulf War and how he can't have kids (or so he thinks). His good buddy Peter said so. Smurf is angry! There goes the legacy! He says with contempt, "You're scared! You're worried that if Amanda finds out you're half a man, she'll dump you!" He tells Kyle that he won't be a man at all if he doesn't have the guts to tell Amanda the truth. "Yep, you'll be some crazy cyborg thing ... cyborgs don't have kids, either, ya know ... god bless 'em..." "POP!"

The Jailbird is at home that evening, getting ready for D’oh’s birthday party, when Peter returns. He says he couldn't let her go to this thing by herself. She's happy -- and Peter then tries to guilt her into skipping her trip with the band and coming with him to the Foundation dinner tomorrow night. Smooth going -- you weasel! Eve confronts him on this, and he says simply, "I don't want the honeymoon to be over yet." As the whining guitar music kicks up, Eve purrs, "It's not over" and she lets Peter peel her out of her dress. Hey, don't you have a party to go to?

A short time later, a slightly tipsy Kyle walks into the courtyard to see Amanda sitting on the steps. He admits he's been drinking, but he says he needs to tell her something. His Queen smiles and says, "No, there's something I've got to tell you -- me first, because I'm the boss!" It's obvious that she plans to tell him that she's pregnant, but she's interrupted by Papa Smurf above, who leans over the railing and yells, "You two! Get up here -- fast!" They run into the darkened apartment and -- SURPRISE! Everyone is there ... even Jane and Michael?!? I guess Amanda would've fired Jane if she didn't come, but why invite Michael?

As people mingle, Eve asks a visibly uncomfortable Peter to try to break the ice with Amanda, but he's not into it. Michael tries to talk to Jane, but she walks away. Megan asks Jane what's going on, and Jane gives her the Cliff Notes version. Jane says that if Michael is indeed a cheating slimeball, then Megan can have him. If I were Megan, I'd be damn insulted! Amanda decides to approach Peter on her own. "Oh, Peter ... hey, you smell like you just had sex 15 minutes ago!" "Sex, uh, no. That's my new cologne -- Eau de Hefner." Peter is still scornful, but Amanda says, "I'm sorry I screwed up. I was 17." "Sorry, Amanda, I don't buy that -- or the arithmetic that says you're only 33 years old." Amanda gets huffy right back to him, and Peter yields. They forgive each other with a friendly hug -- which does not go unnoticed by a drunken Papa Smurf! "Look at those two," he says disgustedly to Kyle. "You'll have a kid all right, but it won't look like a McBride." Kyle, not wanting to get into a fight, steps outside, and Smurf staggers into the kitchen with the Queen and Lip Boy. "Hey, Ryan, why don't you hook up and give me a couple of grandkids. Are you packin'?" Ryan thinks he's being taunted. Amanda, fearing that Pop is making an incestuous pass at his own son, interrupts and Ryan stalks out.

In the courtyard, a fuming Ryan sees Kyle drinking, and they get into a stupid argument over who hates Pop the most! Ryan hates the non-stop insults, but Kyle says that he has it worse because of the constant pressure from Dad. Ryan whines sarcastically, "Oh, it must be tough being the perfect son!" Kyle punches him, they grapple, and they go tumbling into the pool! They stand up, glare at each other, then get out. Ryan leaves, snidely saying, "Happy Birthday, Kyle." Kyle thinks, "Hey, where did these tennis balls come from?"

All tennis equipment and traces of McBride have been removed from the pool by the time morning comes around. As Peter makes coffee, Queenie visits. "Eve asked me to check in." Eve's gone already? Did she leave at 3 a.m.? Tums Alert! Peter wonders what happened to all the McBrides last night. As always happens whenever Peter and Amanda are on speaking terms, there's a little sexual tension. The Jailbird calls up and asks Peter if he can come up to the band's late performance that evening. Peter says he can't make it because of the Foundation dinner, but he promises to try the next time. Eve wants to speak to both of them, so Amanda and Peter stick their ears to the phone and she says, "I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm happy we made it through all the bad stuff, and I love you both." Awwww!

Back in Lexi's office, a computer geek is moving the "Project" files. "So you see, I've transferred all the data from Megan's hard drive to yours. I've also installed a series of Star Trek icons and sound files. It's really neat." He runs the program again to see who turns up as The Empress’s Mr. Right, and up pops Ryan! "Gee," says the geek, "I thought Megan wanted this one deleted." Lexi thinks there must be some mistake, but the guy says, "Nope. He's the one. Say, you interested in a game of Quake on the network?"

Jane, at work, receives a hand-delivered bouquet of flowers from Michael, but her mood doesn't improve. Michael pleads, "Audrey is suing me for $3 million!" He asks that she support him during the trial. "You want me to testify?!" "No! Just stand there and look at me lovingly! Trust me!" That's the last straw for Jane. She tells him to get out. "You make me feel like a fool for loving you. I'm sure there's a Michael Bolton song in that line somewhere."

As the Foundation dinner winds up that night in a hotel ballroom, renewed pals Amanda and Peter leave the room, but they're interrupted by Nurse Witchiepoo, I mean, Amy, and another nurse who are holding up the producer of Hyperion Bay. "He's afraid the show is about to be canceled, even with Carmen Electra," says Amy. "He's completely wasted, but he's also donating thousands to the foundation." Amy suggests that Peter go to the front desk and get the guy's room key and retrieve something. Off Peter and Amanda go. Well, just as luck would have it (!), Lexi is wrapping up a meeting with some Japanese businessmen in the same hotel at the same time! Of course, I'm assuming they were Japanese guys; judging from the outfit Lexi's wearing, they could have been emissaries from Atlantis. She then sees Amanda and Peter across the lobby as they take a key and head for the elevators. Holy Disastrous Jump to Conclusions, Batman!

In Kyle's office at the jazz/rock/polka club called Upstairs, Kyle and Lip Boy mutually apologize for fighting last night. Unfortunately, Papa Smurf walks in and ruins the moment. "Hey, who's up for poker?" Ryan tries to leave, but Kyle asks him to stay. A pain shared is a pain doubled, I say! Almost immediately, however, the boozing elder McBride starts taunting Kyle, dropping hints about his lack of potency, shall we say. Kyle tells him to shut up, but Pop says, "You mouth off to me again, and I'll slap you across the face!" Gee, that's the real macho thing to say, right? What will he threaten next -- to put Kyle in a dress and call him Sally? Smurf tells Ryan to promise to have lots of kids since Kyle is "shootin' blanks!" Kyle leaps out of the chair and decks Dad. Ryan holds him back, but says, "Is it true?" "It's true!" yells Pop. "Your brother's a gelding!" Wow, again with the horse imagery tonight. Stay tuned for next week's episode: "Mr. Ed's Revenge."

Michael, meanwhile, walks down a hotel corridor (presumably not the same hotel as the Foundation dinner). He knocks on a door -- and Audrey answers! Michael apologizes for being late. "I had another fight with the wife." "Aww, I'm so sorry." Big smooch! Cue the wailing guitar! What is that scum Michael up to now?

written by Anthony and Ken, edited by zinc

Kyle sets fire to his dream house. That shouldn't be hard -- it's still nothing but 2x4's! Audrey and Michael discuss sleazy strategy! Lexi makes a move on her "Mr. Right" Ryan, and Rikki G -- blissfully absent from this week's story -- attacks Amanda!