At Kyle's office, Ryan tells Amanda that his father's gone (yay!) but that he doesn't know where Kyle is (uh-oh) as Amanda finds a bag of pills on Kyle's desk. Ryan initially tells Amanda he can't talk about it because his giant moist lips are too slippery for the words to come out correctly, but Amanda berates him for a few seconds and he immediately spills the beans about Kyle's fondness for better living through chemistry. Amanda sees the blueprints for the house and snatches them up, allowing us to see the lovely black feather trim on her outfit. "I know where he is," she says morosely.

Sure enough, Kyle is pouring gasoline all over the house (which is still just a frame), as Amanda shows up just in time to have a gas can land at her feet. She chases him through the house, begging him to be reasonable, but he waves her off and lights up. "This is our dream!" she shouts at him. "The dream is dead," replied Kyle, who then reveals that he's sterile. Finally. Amanda tells him it doesn't matter, which raises the question of just what she wanted to tell him last week, because if she were going to tell him she was pregnant, she would have (a) told him by now or (b) looked more surprised at Kyle's news. Torch in hand, Kyle heads off for Castle Frankenstein, leaving Amanda alone staring at the flames.

We're spared the usual opening montage so instead we can see the firefighters tending to the wreckage of Kyle and Amanda's dream house. Hey, Rob Estes directed this week's episode! Our Queen looks like Big Bird in mourning with her black feathers poking out of her yellow fire slicker. Ryan comes up and tells her that he still can't find Kyle, even though all he has to do is follow the trail of pills, kindling, and bad decisions. Amanda is, understandably, pissed that no one told her about Kyle's problems, and she doesn't seem to understand why Kyle might be afraid of disappointing her because she's such a softie and all. "All I want is him," she half-whispers as Ryan gives her a comforting hug.

Ryan sure is popular this morning, because Lexi's lying naked in bed thinking nasty thoughts about him. I feel vaguely embarrassed, like I'm intruding. Fortunately, the phone rings, and it's Megan, calling to say she won't be coming in because Ryan posted her on guard duty looking out for G.I. D'Oh. Lexi, thinking she knows more than she does, alludes to seeing Amanda and Peter in the hotel lobby, but Megan is confused and tells Lexi the real reason for Kyle's freak-out. Now everyone knows he's shooting blanks, and I'm sure he'll be so delighted when he comes back and finds that out. Lexi offers to call Ryan and volunteer to help. A regular Mother Theresa, that girl.

Michael is nervously hanging around the nurses' station as Nurse Amy reads him the riot act for being such a dumbass and all. The board members file out of their room without any signs of anything unusual happening, and Michael realizes that Audrey must not have held up her end of the deal. Maybe she's out looking for Kyle. Michael unobtrusively asks Peter about the board meeting, or at least he asks as unobtrusively as he can, and his suspicions are confirmed. He finds Audrey in the nurses' locker room. She has an excuse for missing the meeting, she says, and it seems to be that her nurses' uniform flew open and she can't figure out how to close it. No, wait, I'm wrong. Seems like Audrey did some thinking and has reconsidered their deal. "You're just about the most fascinating man I've ever met," she coos, and I feel an overwhelming rush of pity for her because obviously she has led a miserable and sheltered life until now. Dr. Beer Nuts, who is usually so quick to sense the pheromones, doesn't get it, instead offering her more money as a renegotiation. "Money may have nothing to do with this," she begins, but at that moment someone knocks at the door and Michael jumps out the window, landing in the bushes below. Why do I think that's not the first time he's had to do that?

At the Upstairs, Ryan is on the phone with Amanda, who's just learned that the police won't look for Kyle until 48 hours have elapsed. I suppose the fact that he's committed arson isn't enough of an incentive to send someone out. Ryan fills her in on business, which for the purposes of this episode is that the owner of Passion Island Resort is screening agencies for a new lucrative ad campaign. Amanda can't deal with anything right now and tells Ryan to put something together and keep her informed. Having overheard this conversation, the Empress slinks in, wearing the chestnut-colored tourniquet today, and tells him that she finally found her Mister Right, and oh yeah she's sorry about Kyle going nuts and all. Ryan tells her he's happy that she found such a great guy, and oh the irony because it's really him! "Is there anything I can do for you? I mean, my afternoon's pretty light...I could take off my clothes or something," offers Lexi, but Ryan just asks her to stay there and call him on his cell phone if something comes up. He leaves, and Lexi immediately picks up the phone - did Kyle pop out from under the bar when no one was looking? - but Lexi's just calling her assistant Julie to put out an APB on the Passion Island account.

At 4616, Jane is not looking for Kyle, but instead is wearing a serape and holding a daquiri and dancing around to tropical music in her apartment as Michael peeps in her window. They argue, she closes the blinds, and he leaves, only to run into Peter and Amanda, who respectively tell him that no one called for a recommendation and the rent's due. Michael sulks off while Amanda invites herself to Peter's place for a glass of wine. "You knew about Kyle's problem the whole time, didn't you?" she asks calmly, and Peter fills her in. Amanda doesn't seem to be too mad at him because she's too worried about Kyle, and she and Peter hug.

Kyle's sitting against a basketball goal drinking and saluting imaginary sergeants when Ryan finds him. "I had a feeling you'd be here," he says, and why did it take him 10 hours to come up with that feeling? Kyle whines and bleats about how crappy his life is, so Ryan (who has apparently had training in play therapy techniques) picks up a basketball and goads him into talking about what bothers him. "She needs perfect!" shouts Kyle, but Ryan retorts that that's not true, and I'm not so sure about that - Amanda has had men killed for much lesser offenses than burning down her dream house. After a lot of screaming and crying (and that's just from me), Ryan tells Kyle that the reason he's so hung up on everything being perfect is that their father never let them be anything but perfect, and the only reason Wet-Baby-Lip Boy escaped this horrible trap was that he went off and forged his own life while Kyle tried to live up to these impossible expectations. "I hate you," cries Kyle, but Ryan hugs him, and we have a nice tableau as the scene ends.

After the ads (thank goodness we're spared the "World's Most Shocking Medical Videos" commercial during this blitz), the next thing we see is Kyle on his doorstep, with a note pinned to his shirt saying "Please take care of this bear. Thank you." Amanda is glad to see him, and they trade apologies about who screwed up more. "I wanted to be your perfect man," Kyle explains. "You are the most perfect man ever," she replies, but I bet he doesn't smell so perfect right then. He promises to stay with her and get off the drugs and booze, and they hug. Lots of hugging in this episode.

Ryan has infiltrated Sterling-Conway, but just to see Megan. Lexi tries to make some time with him, but his mind is elsewhere. In Megan's office, Ryan tells her he has to go out of town for the Passion Island Resort ad campaign (gee, tough job) as Lexi's assistant Julie sneaks in and, pretending to get a file from Megan's desk, actually turns on the speakerphone feature so Lexi can listen to their conversation and play "He loves me, he loves me not" with a rose in her office. Ryan wants Megan to come to the resort as the representative from Sterling-Conway, and gee I wonder who's going to get loaded down with lots of work all of a sudden. Megan asks Lexi about handling the Passion Island account, but Lexi won't let her do it because of a possible conflict of interest with Ryan. "Spit gets swapped, ideas get swapped..." elaborates Lexi, in case someone didn't understand. This is actually a legitimate excuse, but of course the first thing Lexi does after Megan leaves is have Julie book her own travel plans to Passion Island.

At the Upstairs, Rikki is reading a review of the band's performance in San Francisco. The reviewer must have gone to a different show, because the article mentions the lead singer's "sultry get-down good looks and soulful renditions."  Amanda comes in and confronts Rikki about his giving drugs to Kyle, to which he retorts that he and Kyle "share a passion for having a real time," and at least he's not lying and covering up and keeping secrets like some people on this show. Amanda fires him and the band, much to everyone's dismay, so Eve corners Amanda in Kyle's office to protest. "You can't do this - this is my career you're messing up!" Eve says angrily, and wasn't it only recently that she was worried about violating her parole by hanging around with these losers? Eve asks if Peter put Amanda up to this, but Amanda denies it, and she (along with the rest of us) can't understand why Eve isn't more sympathetic with Amanda's desire to get rid of the bad influences in Kyle's life.

Yay, the pool! Nothing and no one floating in it this week, though. On dry land, Megan finds Ryan leaving for the airport, and though she's a bit surprised that Jane's going along, she doesn't seem overly concerned. Once again, here comes Michael to trade insults with Jane. I won't bore you with the specifics. This exchange is mercifully short, as Ryan and Jane don't want to keep the limo driver waiting, and Megan and Michael are left alone in the courtyard. Megan immediately notices that Michael's wearing his "I'm gonna get lucky" cologne, to which Michael gripes "I can't get away with anything with all the ex-wives hanging around" and stomps off.

Kyle's at home watching a poor-quality TV, which I find surprising seeing how Amanda likes things nice. Must be his TV. Or maybe it's the cable, and they need to get one of those satellite dishes. The picture keeps fuzzing out, so Kyle hits the set a few times, but the static grates on his nerves, and he can't get the sound to go away even when he turns the volume all the way down. Then turn the thing off, you nitwit! That's not logical enough, so instead he opts for the vodka in the freezer. Unfortunately, he smashes the bottle against the counter, giving himself a bad cut that makes me woozy even though I know it's not real blood, and I have to go lie down now.

Michael's at Audrey's again. She offers him a drink but then remembers she doesn't have any booze, so he suggests that they just talk. "Who are you, Michael Mancini? Who are you really?" she asks, I wish philosophically, but no such luck. Michael's response, delivered while looking out the window, indicates that he's been reading too many Mickey Spillane novels: "I'm no different than anybody else. We're all rotten, inherently - I mean, just human nature. Some people lie better than others, but me - I'm like a volcano. I just go along dormant, and then, kablooey - I erupt." Audrey apologizes for stringing him along and then reveals that what she's been holding out for all this time is him. They kiss, and the cheesy guitar music tells us that Michael's lucky cologne has worked tonight. Speaking of erupting...oh, never mind.

Amanda comes home and sees the broken glass and blood in the kitchen. Somehow Kyle has managed to keep from bleeding all over the rest of the apartment, so it takes Amanda a while to find him balled up on the floor in the bedroom, his injured hand wrapped in her non-leopard-print bedspread. He cries and apologizes, and I'm wondering why with all the doctors they know neither of these two geniuses thought to get medical advice for getting Kyle sober.

Over at Wilshire Memorial, Peter is escorting a bandaged G.I. D'oh down the hall, telling Nurse Amy (who has an amazing amount of lines these days) that he needs a blood workup. As Kyle walks away with Nurse Amy, the Queen comes up and asks why he's ordered the tests. Peter tells her that Kyle is checking into the Erwich Rehabilitation Center in Pasadena. "How you doin'?" he asks. "Last night was pretty scary," she admits, getting all dependent and squishy, setting the stage for more jealousy and misunderstandings. "That's why he'll be better in a facility," he replies, all manly and comforting. As they join in a hug, Kyle turns around and watches with a disgusted sneer on his face. He sighs and turns away, and I wonder why this man's acting ability has degenerated so rapidly, especially in an episode that he himself directed!

So then we arrive at Passion Islands Resort. Skippy, our very friendly and dorky salt-and-pepper bearded tour guide, takes Jane, Lexi, Ryan, and a group of extras pretending to be advertising execs around a very very overcrowded pool area. I can understand that the agencies would like to have this resort's business, but let me just tell you that the idea of going to a resort where you can't even get an arm's length away from all the other sweaty and libidinous patrons would really give me the willies times ten. Skippy informs them that they will be playing beach games early in the morning. "Better get some sleep; you'll need it," he suggests. Thanks for the advice, Skip. After he trots off, the Empress proclaims that she's "tired of kissing his butt." Jane goes to off to bed; Lip Boy wants to turn in for the night, too, but the Empress suggests a walk on beach. "Sure, why not?" he replies. And the plot thickens.

Michael walks into Audrey's place with an armful of flowers, and we see a lot of stuffed animals on a shelf that were not there previously. Hmmm. Fishy. "Last night awakened real feelings in me," he lies poorly. She tells him that last night awakened some extra greedy financial feelings in her. She now demands that $300,000 in payment and a continued relationship with Michael, Lord of the Sheets. I swear, this guy should write a book or give lessons. No wonder his ego is so huge. "I know you were planning on getting your wife back, but do you want someone back who didn't stand by you?" she reasons. She gets all slinky sexy and pulls off her top to reveal a shiny fuchsia bathing suit looking piece of lingerie that makes me wonder if someone in the costume department thought that Audrey was supposed to be one of those singles at the island resort. She asks if Michael agrees to her terms, and he mumbles something about having no choice, and like we expect from Id Boy, he falls back onto the bed with her. As they begin frantically flossing each other's tonsils, she turns on a video camera that's cleverly hidden in a stuffed animal, and I frantically grab for my extra large bottle of extra strength Tums.

The Empress and Baby Lips are strolling on the beach. "Tell me about this guy you found," he says, making conversation. She says she doesn't want to talk about it and jinx it since they haven't had their first date yet. The Empress's for-once-not-tourniquet pale blue thin strapped dress with embroidered top and crepe bottom shimmers in the moonlight. "How does anyone know if someone is your perfect mate?" she queries. "The only requirement I have for a mate is that she never stops surprising me," he replies. Wow. That sounds like fun. So if a woman were to date Ryan, all she'd need to do to keep him are things like dump cold buckets water on him while he's in a hot shower, steal all his valuables while he's at work, or whip out his credit cards from his wallet shouting "Surprise! I maxed you out!" That sounds like a good relationship on both sides! Lexi leans in and kisses his big ol' wet baby lips and he freaks. She apologizes, and then asks if she surprised him. Wow, that's cleverly veiled, Lexi. He tells her that he's more surprised by her apology than anything else and walks away. She smirks, and the scene ends.

Love them dream sequences. So Doy Boy in a straitjacket is being taken by two large orderlies down a prison hallway with laughing sweaty guys, including a version of himself, leering at him. At the end of the hall, he sees his Queen and his bestest bud Peter making out. They see him, turn, and smile sweetly. He wakes up in a car with Amanda, who's driving him to the rehab center. When she pulls up to the clinic, he says "Let's just say goodbye here...I just need you to believe in me." They hug. "Close your eyes and don't open them `til I'm gone," he instructs. He leaves, and Amanda opens her eyes to see that he's gone. How dramatic.

And we get some commercials.

Back at Wilshire Memorial, our satisfied Audrey goes to Peter and tells him that she made the whole thing up. "I just wanted that promotion, I just knew that to get it, I'd have to cut corners," she blithers. She continues to apologize and whimper and stuff. Peter looks at her with a pleased smile on his face and a devious glint in his eye. "I'll take care of Dr. Mancini," he ominously promises.

At the beach, a starter pistol goes off, and the three-legged race begins! Jane and Lexi are paired up, Jane in a conservative overall short outfit and Lexi in a blue bikini with an oversized "boy brief" bottom. Ryan and Skippy are paired up, too. The tension mounts, as the pairs are neck and neck. Then Jane falls and hurts her ankle, causing Lip Boy and Skippy to come in first. Ever the gentleman, Ryan helps her walk off while Lexi either fumes or gloats, I can't tell.

At Burns/Mancini/This Space For Rent, Peter walks in, causing Michael to grab the phone and pretend to be desperately groveling for a job. He certainly does have enough practice groveling. Peter tells him that Audrey confessed, and he personally apologizes. He tells him that the board will apologize also and reinstate his position. "Sure you can apologize, but I don't think you know what this has really cost me...will a formal apology get me my wife back?" Michael complains, all self-righteous and puffy. He says he's calling his attorney, to which Peter replies "Whatever you want." "That's exactly what it may come down to, whatever I want." Michael retorts. You gotta love this guy when he schemes. 

Later that evening, Jane comes to Michael's apartment on crutches. "I'm sorry, I feel awful about it. I was judging you for who you used to be, not who you are...You must be pretty pissed," she eloquently confesses. Um, Mr. Spelling? I know you promised us a spine-filled Jane this time around, and we have waited patiently and all, but since your show was CANCELLED for chrissakes, could we see some symptom of this soon?!?!? Michael goes on to tell his adoring wife that losing his job wasn't a big deal; losing her was. "I'm right here," she says. They kiss, and he carries her off to the bedroom where they make out and turn off the light. And I pour the rest of my minty calcium yummies down into my poor rumbling innards.

Over at the Upstairs Not Jazz Club, the Queen is in the office when the Jailbird comes in. Amanda asks her to sing with a new band if she can get one. Eve says she's going to quit, because she's tired of Amanda running her life. After some more assorted harsh words, Eve storms out. "Rikki, you booked the band anywhere?" she asks her new buddy. As he tells her he's working on it, he manhandles the Jailbird and asks her where the Queen is. He storms back to the office, and says he deserves a check. She says she's leaving, and she'll send him one. "Two grand...make it out to cash," he demands. "Take it out of dream house account like your husband did...you have two seconds to write me a check," he threatens. Eve goes outside and gets into a car with Peter. "What's the matter?" he asks. She looks nervous. Amanda writes the check, and tells Rikki to leave. "You like bad boys, don't you? Or at least you used to...partying, rough sex...." Could he be referring to Tommy Lee? She slaps him, letting him know that maybe Pam will take that kind of crap, but not our Queen! You go, girl! "Cool, foreplay!" Rikki greasily chortles, pushing her onto her desk, apparently planning to have his way with her. She cracks a VERY heavy-looking crystal ashtray against his head, shattering it. Unfortunately, she's just shattered the ashtray, not Rikki's head. Not even dazed by the blow, he pulls her down onto the sofa with him. Peter rushes in and beats the poop out of him. Amanda clings to Peter, her wedding ring obvious and shiny against his collar, as Eve looks on all jealous and concerned. Hey, we all know what happened the LAST time someone rescued Amanda from an attempted rape, so I can surely understand her anxiety. Can't you?

--written and edited by zinc and Ellen

Ryan catches Amanda and Peter hugging and accuses them of sending Kyle away to rehab so they can do the horizontal bop! Michael tells Peter that he will settle out of court if he gets two million big ones! Amanda takes a home pregnancy test that tells her she's got a bun in the oven! Kyle accuses Peter of impregnating his wife!