Across the courtyard, Eve starts her day as Miss Morning Sunshine, hoping to see Peter, but all she gets is a note on the fridge. "Dear Eve, I'm taking Amanda to the loony bin to see Kyle. She has apparently forgotten how to drive, so I've volunteered to be a sap and take her myself. Feel free to develop any buried paranoia about my love for you. Yours truly, Peter. P.S.: Save me some orange juice." She crumples the note and considers going back to bed.

Meanwhile, Amanda visits Kyle at the Urkel Institution. "You don't look all that surprised to see me," she says. "Well, no, with those leather pants you're wearing, you can't sneak up on anyone." Kyle, who now amazingly maintains a 5 o'clock shadow 24 hours a day, awkwardly says he needs to meet with his therapist. Amanda, ever the sensitive one, wants to know what Kyle talks about with his shrink! When Doy Boy stares two inches above Amanda's head and blinks (the classic Kyle symptom of evasion), the Queen says, "It's about ME. You think it's my fault!" Kyle hems and haws a bit, but admits that she's kind of right. He feels he can't ever let her down, and that's why he didn't want her to come up today. Amanda leaves in a huff and squeaks down the stairs in her leather-bound thighs to find Peter waiting obediently by the car. When Peter asks how it went, Amanda distorts things a bit, saying Kyle was "hostile." She also tells Peter that she's sick of his advice. Peter counters, "You can't stand not being in control! For once in your life, let go! Reach out with your feelings." "Bite me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. For once in your life, Peter, shut up and drive."

A Melrosian rarity: The episode credits actually show cast members instead of the standard street scenes. We're back at Passion Island, where Lexi and Ryan are getting bare-nekkid massages -- at poolside, no less! I love realism. They relax in the whirlpool afterward, and Ryan says, "I like it when nearly naked women rub me with oil." "Then why did you demand that Hans be your masseur, sugah?" Defying all corporate protocols, they start tossing ideas for campaigns at each other. They both come up with the idea of a "Singles' Camp" campaign at the same time, which is exactly what Ryan feared would happen. The Empress suggests they flip a coin to decide who gets to keep the idea. Saying she hopes he'll "rise to the occasion," she strokes his thigh underwater. Tramp! Ryan accepts the challenge!

Later, at Upstairs, Amanda sees Eve in Kyle's office. Who the hell runs this place now, anyway? Amanda has her company, and Kyle is out of commission. They can't even dump this on Jennifer anymore! Amanda hopes Eve will reconsider her decision to quit. Not a chance, says Eve, who takes the opportunity to scold Amanda for grabbing her husband. "I got a crummy note - what's that all about?" Amanda, tired of the non-stop abuse, says, "I don't even know you anymore." Eve replies, "I'm someone who doesn't have to toy with somebody else's husband because I can't get my own marriage to work." Amanda quickly slaps her! Eve, without a bit of redness on her face, says, "You're gonna have to do a lot better than that. You're no Linda Evans. Now SHE could pack a punch!"

Megan "Color Me Clueless" Lewis speaks to Ryan over the phone. He tells her that his chances of landing the account are only 50/50. "Funny, that's what Lexi just told me, too." They trade standard "I love you" statements, and Ryan gets off the phone -- and we all see that Lexi is prowling around his room, pondering strategy in her blue bikini top. She apparently won the coin toss to keep the campaign idea, so Ryan has to come up with another idea before the account is awarded at a banquet tomorrow morning. The Empress is feeling generous and she offers Ryan another shot. Ryan suggests a drinking contest. Bad idea! BAD! Lexi says he's already lost, and Ryan tells Room Service to send up lots of tequila. Let's see that on the company reimbursement form!

As Michael goes over some legal paperwork at Burns-Mancini-[Your Name Here], he gets a surprise visitor: Audrey! "What are you doing here?" he yells. "If anyone sees you, our plan will be ruined!" "But I missed you," Audrey whines, and then asks suspiciously, "Are you back with Jane?" "Well, yes, but for professional reasons only. She has a medical condition." As Audrey compliments him on his work ethic, Michael solemnly says, "Easing pain is not just a way to do business." He promises to give Audrey her cut after the settlement. Audrey, in a horny mood, wants to take a page out of the "Jake Hanson Handbook of Sex" and do it with Michael on his desk. Michael, realizing both the danger and the fact that Audrey towers over him on screen, tries to rush her out, saying that Jane is on her way over. Audrey leaves, saying she's looking forward to celebrating. Michael, for the thousandth time, wonders why these schemes of his get so complicated!

That night, Amanda stares out her apartment window as she tries to call Kyle at the institution. (Hey, Amanda, did it ever occur to you that these people need to Get Away for a while?) While on hold, she sees a bouquet-bearing Peter enter his apartment, but instead of Eve, all he gets is his original crumpled note, on the back of which Eve has written: "I hope you had a good time with Amanda. See you around breakfast...maybe. Your paranoid wife, Eve. P.S.: I drank all the orange juice." The Queen, having seen all this with her X-ray vision, frowns and is then told that Kyle is not in his room. "What?! He defies his mistress?!"

Actually, Kyle is shooting pool in the institution's rec room. As G.I. Doh mindlessly walks around with his clammy face and stubbly chin, his pool-playing buddy says this is his sixth time inside the place. "My old lady is always happy to see me go. She gets to hang out with her friends and do some wild nookie with a old buddy." Kyle, taking this WAY too personally, points at the guy with the pool cue and yells, "Shut up!" "Hey, buddy, I'm talking about my life, not yours." Kyle, unable to emote unless he's breaking down in tears, stares wildly and leaves. The man walks over to another guy and says, "Hey, you know this is my sixth time here?"

Lexi and Ryan are totally plastered in his room that night. Of course, they're not bloodshot; they just stagger around and do Andrew Shue impersonations. Lexi says, "Daah, mebbe it's time I go back to my room." "Ahhh, yeah, Alison, I mean Lexi, you should do dat ding. Gaaah!" Lexi "accidentally" walks into the closet. Ryan stumbles in after her. The next thing you know, they're going at it like drunken rabbits. Don't let a little thing like vomit burps get in the way of great sex!

The following morning, Peter shows his anxiety by letting his shirt hang out. He's on the phone, giving out Eve's many aliases in an attempt to find her. Eve then walks in, but she's in a pissy mood. Peter demands, "Where have you been? I've been calling hospitals everywhere! I even called General Hospital!" Eve says she was busy singing with "my old band." This is the same band that she was repulsed by several weeks ago, right? Pass the Tums! Nah, skip the Tums -- I need Mylanta! Peter points out that she missed a meeting with her parole officer. Oops! Peter doesn't understand her sudden nasty attitude: "Eve, why are you doing this?" She closes the bedroom door on him. Hey, Eve, you were the one who wanted Peter to make nice with the Queen. That's why these out-of-prison, into-marriage relationships NEVER work!

Lexi and Ryan are woken up in the closet by the maid. "Dios mio!" Lexi, groggy, suddenly remembers the banquet! They're going to miss it! They quickly compose themselves. Ryan grabs a shirt and shorts, while Lexi runs down in a bathrobe. Now that's professional! They arrive, but are WAY too late. The head of Passion Island already awarded the account to someone else. (You're kidding! There's a THIRD advertising company in the country? I'm shocked!) The two, ignoring the fact that their lust has cost their respective companies a ton of money, realize it's time to head back to L.A. Ryan cautiously says, "Mum's the word on this, right?" "Oh, yeah." Oh yeah, indeed.

Peter storms into Michael's office at Burns-Mancini-Help Wanted. He waves a legal document and says, "What's this?" "Oh, it's a lawsuit," replies Michael innocently. Peter tells Michael that he should be happy because he got his job back, but Michael replies, "You smeared my good name with innuendo." (Please - like Michael hasn't already done that to himself a gazillion times already.) Michael is graciously willing to settle out of court, for only $2 million! "That's crazy," yells Peter. "It'll cost you that much in legal fees to fight it," says a smug Michael. He suggests that Peter take the offer before the board "before I get really insulted and ask for a PlayStation and a DVD player, too." Boy, Peter is having a bad day! I should give HIM the Mylanta!

Later, at Kyle's Restaurant, the psychiatric Dr. Puddles is sitting at the bar when he notices the luscious Lexi sitting alone at a table. He goes over and makes small talk, saying how it seems she's inviting someone to sit with her. "Like you, Puddles?" she says sarcastically. "Well, no, but I was curious as to why a lovely woman would go to dinner wearing gold chain mail." "This is the latest from Vera Wang, sugah!" Puddles tells the Empress that he doesn't hold any grudges "for the way you sexually manipulated me." You WISH she sexually manipulated you, buddy! He adds that she tends to frighten men with her bold, provocative comments. "You shouldn't be looking at the Coops or Peters, but at the shy, perspiring, tender types." When Lexi asks if he's advocating himself, the doc says no, but "as a Zen master once said: To catch a butterfly, you must wait with an open hand." At that moment, the lovely young woman from the escort service arrives and walks off with Dr. Puddles. You go, boy! The Empress looks on with amusement and envy. I'm just confused.

It's night at Melrose Place as we get an overhead shot of the Pool, which finished digesting the tennis equipment from two weeks ago and is looking forward to the annual catfight. Ryan walks over to Megan's with flowers: "Here you go, honey. Don't think I'm giving you flowers just because I had sex with Lexi or anything like that." "Of course not, Ryan!" He doesn't want to talk about his failure at Passion Island, and Megan hits him with the news that Kyle had a bit of a breakdown and is in an institution. Surprise! Megan says Amanda didn't want him to know while he was on the trip, but for some reason Ryan doesn't react well to that.

Just then, Amanda, wearing a super-casual sweater, walks over to Peter's in search of Eve. He moodily says she's not here. Amanda asks him to tell Eve that she'll double Eve's pay to return to Upstairs with the "house band." "Is that the rock house band or the jazz house band, Amanda?" "Don't get fussy with me, lowly one!" She does apologize for yelling at him earlier, and Peter invites her in. He tells her about Eve's recent mood and the fact that she missed a parole meeting. "What is it with us?" he asks. "Do we drive our mates away? Do we have such impossibly high expectations? Do we have many more months till the end of the series?" "I don't know. I can only shudder to think what's in store for us during the May sweeps." They share a friendly hug -- just in time for Ryan to witness this through the window in the courtyard. He walks into Peter's apartment, angry at Amanda for not telling him about Kyle and angry at Peter for hugging Amanda. "Getting cozy with your ex-husband while Kyle is in detox? And where's your wife tonight, doctor? And why am I getting so high and mighty when I just cheated on my girlfriend?" Where's Dr. Puddles when we need him, so we can learn today's new psychiatric term: projection. Ryan leaves, and an exasperated Peter decides to find Eve before things get any worse. He tells Amanda, "Make yourself comfortable." Why? Can't Amanda go back to her own apartment 20 feet away?

Kyle sits in the Alison Parker Commemorative Wing at the Urkel Institution, trying to call Amanda. This is after he already called his bookie, drug supplier, and loan shark. This place will let you call anyone, anytime! He calls Amanda at work, thinking she never leaves the office this early. For the first time in history, we see that a poor receptionist is working the late shift at Amanda Woodward Advertising. She says that Amanda is gone, but "if this is Dr. Burns, I have a message for you." Kyle, momentarily stunned by this transparent plot device, says, "Uh, yeah, this is Dr. Burns." "Miss Woodward says just stay in your apartment and she'll meet you there. Under no circumstances should Kyle get this message, since that would really freak him out and make him blink furiously." Kyle blinks furiously, which is the extent of Rob Estes' acting ability.

Eve is singing with "her" band at some dive. At least I think she's singing - I always reach for the Mute button whenever I see her holding a microphone. The crowd is a laughable mix of rappers, bikers, punks, goths, and Jewel fans. Suddenly, cops raid the place and start arresting everyone! Who invited Rudolph Giuliani? Eve, knowing the possible consequences if she's nabbed, tries to run but is caught by the fuzz.

After some commercials, Peter rushes into the police station to learn that Eve is back in the slammer for performing in an illegal rave club, which personally, I thought all of them were. No, Reverend Al Sharpton is not protesting her arrest. Her parole officer, Greg, notifies Peter that the charges have been dropped and that he's gonna "let this one slide". But next time she screws up, it's back to the can, where her nightly sleeping partner will be someone even dumber than Peter. Pete tells the PO that he'll watch his wife the best he can. Eve pops out of her cell and is ever so briefly happy to see her hubby. However, as soon as he gives her an ounce of "what for" by telling her to "get the rebel out of her system", she yells that she's tired of his overwatchfulness and nagging. Is she not living up to the Amanda standard, she snidely asks. That hurt. Peter begs her not to risk her life for a silly stint with a band, kinda like Gilby Clarke did for Guns N Roses. An unresponsive Eve brushes him off.

Ryan pays a visit to his brother at the addict mansion. Kyle wears his sweater proudly like a straitjacket on the ultra-sunny California day. Yeah, rub it in to the New Yorkers. Ryan is still upset that he couldn't be there for his brother in his time of need. Kyle somehow understands, although this is about the only rational thought he has this week. Ryan relays that Amanda's doing well - I mean it's been two whole days. Kyle regrets that he "pushed her away" when she tried to help and says that he just can't believe how far he's fallen. Ask our friend Shannen Doherty about that one. She'll be back... Doy Boy makes Ryan promise to take care of Amanda while he's de-narc-ifying. Ryan makes no play at double entendre and just says "no problem", embracing his brother. Hey, I'd really take care of her!

Over at the hospital, Peter, in the spirit of Ed McMahon, hands Michael a check for two million dollars. The check is not eight feet long, however. But it's real, and Mike happily accepts. But wait! Our daring dope asks for - an apology. Jane protests, but Peter says no biggie and starts with the boilerplate "on behalf of the department...". No no!! Michael wants a personal apology from Peter. Jane chimes in again, but Peter, after a stuttery pause, mumbles a "sorry" through his teeth that would make any ventriloquist proud. Peter asks the Mancinis to exit through the back door, so that they may avoid the swarm of reporters who have nothing better to report on than this pitiful story. Michael obediently does, but can't resist his 15 minutes, so he escorts his wife over to the media and blabs away.

Cut to Sterling Conway. Ryan looking for Megan - finding Lexi instead. What else is new. He desperately informs her that the sex was all just an accident - like his daddy thinks he was. She accepts this situation, but senses that something else is bothering him, and she implores him to "tell mama Lexi". Since this adds a sickening incestual dimension to this affair, I shall not dwell any further. Ryan is concerned about Dr Burns' close proximity to Amanda, especially while the cat (i.e. Kyle) is away. Ryan's paranoid that Pete might try to rekindle something. Lexi casually informs him that it's not paranoia and tells her out-of-context story about the two of them hugging at the Children's Foundation dinner and taking a key to go to a room together. She knows the two are obsessed with each other (as if she's never had that problem). All agog with this new information, Ryan rushes out, telling a startled Megan that he won't be able to take her to dinner.

Michael pays a visit to Audrey's apartment or hotel room or whatever it is. This time when she answers, we get a nice view of her shapely bottom half, through jeans of course. Did Wardrobe run out of undergarments for her to prance around in, or is it that they finally bought her some clothes? Ecstatic that she just got the lead in a third-rate play, she hugs and kisses Mikey. He can't stay, of course, he's only here to drop off the $300,000 he owes her. Does he not worry about anything - won't this transaction show up on some formal register? Of course, no one's discovered the missing orphans' money yet, either. As we know, money is this woman's true aphrodisiac, and sure enough she's all over him now. But Mike will have none of it - amazing, isn't it? - because he and Jane are an item again. Audrey is, oddly enough, distraught. As Michael walks out, he tells her, in the spirit of Casey Stengel, "you're A Great Kid And I'll Never Forget Ya."

As Lexi and Megan pore over meaningless photos, Megan finally asks about the trip and the Passion Island account. Hey, someone actually talking about business! Lexi says that her field goal attempt was no good because the competition was (snicker) "too stiff". The word "stiff" reminds Megan of something, and she comes right out and asks whether Lexi fooled around with Ryan at all. Naturally, the Empress tells her nothing happened. But why, says Megan, has Ryan been in and out of the office without staying? Lexi sprays a load of syrup about how how much Ryan cares about his brother, and how lucky Megan is, and how flowers smell better and food tastes better and all of California is a MUCH better place all because of Boy Wonder Ryan Wet Lips McBride. They embrace heartily while I reach for the Melrose Mints.

Back at the Melrose palace, Peter enters his apartment and calls for Eve. Once again, he's failed to lock the door, and Ryan follows him right in. Guess Peter hasn't viewed the home safety video from the National Crime Coalition. Ryan angrily accuses him of tinkering with Amanda. Eve, sound asleep in her bunk, er bed, awakens to the hollering and begins Eve's-dropping. Sorry - couldn't resist. Anyhow, Ryan relays the story of the hotel check-in, which is all news to Peter since it didn't happen. Ryan accuses Peter of a vast hospital-wing conspiracy of doping up Kyle and sending him off to rehab so Peter can have Amanda for himself. Has Ryan forgotten Rikki G and those far-more-powerful New York pills? Eve looks worried and confused - no surprise there. After the Lipster leaves, Amanda calls, adding to the confusion. Pete answers, thinking he's still alone. Think it'll be an incriminating, out-of-context, one-sided call? Yep! Amanda has tested positive on the old E.P.T. Peter says incredulously, "You're pregnant?!... No, I wouldn't tell anyone about this." He heads out to meet her at the hospital, leaving Eve to misinterpret. I'll bet she wants to go back to prison now.

At the drug palace, Kyle reads quietly as the nurse announces the arrival of his wife. He is, of course, shocked when Eve comes in instead. Thank God he's not nearsighted or he'd accidentally have sex with her. Eve gets to the point and bluntly informs him of all the evidence of Peter's alleged affair with Amanda. To his credit, Kyle does not believe himself a victim of intentional drugging. However, when Eve implicates Hillary, I mean Amanda, in the situation as an accomplice, Kyle perks to life. When she tells him Amanda's pregnant, Kyle grabs Eve's keys and insists on going back - alone - to confront Peter, leaving Eve to finish his rehab for him.

Lexi shows up at Dr. Puddles' dimly lit office and asks him to explain what he meant at the restaurant in layman's terms. He issues the layman's terms "Please leave", insisting that office hours are over for the day. She won't, threatening to shed clothes in the excessive heat of the office. Moody Girl lounges on the coach, hinting that she's willing to trade sexual favors for psychological favors, and is anyone else amazed that she can move around without bursting out of her dress? Not surprisingly, the doc gives in, instructing her not to "chase after men so much - let them come to you." But what if they won't, she questions, commenting on all the lonely women out there. "I mean, what about women like Alison? She walked away 2 years ago and, aside from a poorly written send-a-fax storyline last summer, hasn't been mentioned since?" Puddles tells her, "Sometimes walking away is the sexiest thing you can do." Lexi insists that's just because he likes WATCHING her and her tourniquet wardrobe from behind. She thanks him anyway and "repays" him by exiting slowly, pausing only to confirm the good doctor is enjoying the show.

Kyle invades Wilshire Memorial, putting his Gulf War training to good use. He threatens poor Nurse Amy to make her tell him where Peter is. When she doesn't know, he knocks clear her receptionist's desk with one swipe. This catches the attention of Michael, who is not much help anyway. They call security. Doy Boy bashes down Peter's door and proceeds to trash his office better than Eve's band ever could. After Kyle rushes out to destroy Tokyo, Michael grabs the busted phone off the floor to call Amanda. He warns her that Scud missile Kyle is on the way to the club to attack Peter "Saddam" Burns.

Back at Audrey's den, she screens with pleasure the home movies she made with Michael, adoring his "methods". Bleah. When she extracts the videotape, she sees the news footage of Michael, gloating and marginalizing her to the reporters. She also hears the amount of the settlement. This puts her into action, addressing a confidential envelope to Peter Burns. Hopefully it will arrive while he's still alive.

Actually, he's drinking a beer at the club when Kyle shows up. They wrassle each other, and Pete is putting up a pretty decent fight for a wuss. All that's missing is BAM and THWOK from "Batman". When the bartender tries to break them up, he gets tossed and broken up. Amanda rushes in and jumps on Kyle, grabbing him by the neck to stop him. Now this looks JUST like Wrestlemania, except in Wrestlemania they don't get thrown through the window like Amanda just did. She lies, unconscious, on the ground, as the music swells.

--written by Ken and Anthony, edited by Ellen

Amanda lies comatose. Eve finally slaps Peter, accusing him of adultery, and runs away, catching the ire of her parole officer. Peter views Michael and Audrey's "home movie". Jane lashes out at Michael - again! Kyle decides to return to Boston, where he can worry about simpler things like not winning a pennant for 81 years.