Bringing the coffee to Kyle, Ryan and Megan somehow pass right by Eve, who is upset to learn that Peter's busy with Amanda. Jane rushes over to her and is all concerned about Amanda, thinking that of course Eve would be upset about Amanda too because they're so close, but Eve basically tells Jane to get bent as she stomps away. Michael and Peter emerge from the bowels of the ER to tell Kyle that Amanda's going to be okay, but she lost the baby. Peter wants Kyle to tell Amanda about the miscarriage; G.I. D'oh thinks that that should be Peter's job, and the wrasslin' champeens play "I'm Not Gonna Tell Her 'Cause it Ain't My Baby" until Kyle ends it by saying "You were the father" in the same kind of voice that Darth Vader used when he told Luke Skywalker to go to the Dark Side. The camera closes in on Peter, and we realize that this opening sequence must be almost over because everyone's there except Lexi.

I don't care what anyone says, I like the Old Navy ads!

No street scene with the credits this week. Instead, we have a sad sequence with Amanda sitting in a wheelchair looking sad, and Kyle standing outside the hospital looking sad, and sad music playing in the background, and Amanda getting into her hospital bed looking sad, and I am so sad I need to eat some Girl Scout Thin Mints to cheer myself up and is it just my TV, or does Amanda have a moustache?

Peter is glad to see Eve, but only momentarily, because she slaps him and accuses him loudly and publicly of knocking up Amanda. (Never a dull moment in this hospital, is there?) In the process, she reveals that she was the one who told Kyle about Peter and Amanda's "affair," which is the perfect opening for him to tell her that Amanda lost the baby. "There is no baby, thanks to you!" he shouts. "Kyle was in rehab! What did you think he was going to do?!" Taken aback, Eve admits that she's sorry the baby died, "but you and Amanda can rot in hell!" For some reason, Peter wants to continue talking to this psycho, but Michael sensibly convinces him to wait until things have cooled down a bit. Jane and Megan praise Michael's logic (considering how often we see that, I think this deserves a parade). Michael doesn't want to discuss the situation "on the grounds that I might incriminate my best friend," and I didn't know that Michael's penis was involved in all this! Oh, sorry -- wrong Peter.

Outside, Kyle tells Ryan the bad news, and although Lip Boy claims he doesn't know what to say, he sure talks a lot anyway. Kyle can't believe the baby was his, but he reveals that he has a "weird sense of loss in the pit of [his] stomach" that's separate from his feelings for Amanda. Perhaps Kyle needs some of my Tums. Never mind -- I need them for myself, because Kyle proceeds to reminisce about his and Amanda's hotel lovemaking extravaganza ("It was like nothing I have ever experienced in my life") and speculate that maybe something magical happened then. Helpful Ryan suggests that Kyle just wanted the baby so bad, he convinced himself that it was possible, but Kyle admits he can't figure out what's going on and resumes blaming himself for pushing Amanda away both literally and figuratively.

Peter's in his office cleaning up the debris from Hurricane Kyle when Michael wanders in to announce that Amanda's awake, and even though Michael appears to be the attending physician, could Peter please please please be the one to tell her about the baby? Michael admits that he reacted poorly when Jane had her miscarriage back in Season One (thereby winning the "Understatement of the Evening" award) and urges Peter to express his feelings to Amanda. Peter once again denies that the baby was his. He then perches on his desk and expresses some feelings to Michael -- namely, that he loves Eve and has shared more with her than he'd ever shared with anyone else (considering what Eve probably picked up in the pokey, I'd say that's a fair statement), but he can't understand why Eve immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion after overhearing one suspicious conversation. Now this has turned into Peter whining about how he can't understand why people don't trust him. I guess staging kidnappings and trying to murder people on the operating table aren't valid causes for mistrust. "Amanda needs to be told about that baby now," intones Michael, thankfully ending the pity party.

So of course the next thing we see is Amanda lying in bed as Peter comes into her gloomy hospital room. He breaks the news to her, and the Queen wants to know where Kyle is. Peter tells her that Kyle went off to think (yeah, right). He and Amanda then discuss the likelihood of the baby being Kyle's and if it's not Kyle's, whose is it? Peter says, "I haven't noticed any male guest stars lately..." Amanda gets offended. Finally, Peter agrees to trust her and stay with her for a while, because she needs a friend.

Meanwhile, Eve is walking around on a lonely street, wishing she could sing as well as the woman in the background music. She's thinking about all the trouble she's been in lately, and -- guess what, Eve? -- it's all your fault! Finding a pay phone, she makes a call. "I know we're not supposed to talk to each other," she says to her unseen friend, "but I really need you...can I come over?" Finally, something interesting happens! I hope she's not going to see that icky Rikki G.

Poor Ryan comes home to find the Empress sitting on the stairs. Apparently, Lexi and Jane both have police scanners, because she too knows everything about the evening's mayhem, and she makes a pretense at taking responsibility for the mess. Ryan is not impressed. "Nobody loved each other more than Kyle and Amanda, and if those two can't make a relationship work, nobody can," he grumps. Whatever. "I know that there's somebody out there for me," replies Lexi, and excuse me girlfriend but who was talking about your pathetic love life? Ryan takes the bait and rambles on about his own failed serious relationships. Lexi perks up at that, plus she notices that Ryan's not spending the night at Megan's. "I think I'll sleep alone tonight," Ryan mumbles, missing Lexi's "Not if I can help it" look.

Eve is at the marina, and we see that the person she's visiting is her friend Jackie from prison. Jackie has come a long way from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air," where she was the last time I saw her, but she can still afford a nifty houseboat. Eve is worried that she can't make it on the outside, but Jackie reassures Eve that she'll do fine because she's "one of the righteous ones," and suddenly I am one of the nauseous ones reaching for my Dramamine. The Jailbirds Anonymous meeting continues with Eve being insecure and Jackie trying to give her spirits a boost. "You've got so much going for you," she tells Eve. "You're special." "It was easier to be special in prison," Eve replies. I'm sure it was. Is anyone else getting some interesting subtext here?

Back at the hospital, Kyle enters Amanda's room right after Peter leaves. She's glad to see him, but again not for long, as he accuses her of still loving Peter. Amanda, who knows full well that she's kept her pants on, tells Kyle that there must be a medical explanation for the pregnancy. (Either that, or somebody had better check that fetus for a "666" tattoo.) Kyle's not interested. He bluntly informs her that he's moving out and moving on. Amanda sighs in disbelief and frustration.

The next morning, Lexi shows up at 4616 looking like the trampiest lavender-wrapped mummy you've ever seen. I bet they find her when they open those Lost Tombs of Egypt on Tuesday night. Someone should also tell the Empress that the skintight look is not the most flattering for her. Kyle, loaded down with boxes, tells her that Ryan's not home, but she says she's actually there to tell Kyle that she was sorry to hear about "all the unpleasantness" and what happened to "somebody's baby." For some reason, Kyle doesn't throw her in the pool. The pool grumbles its disappointment. She follows him into someone's apartment (Ryan's?) and tries to convince him that she's worried about Ryan ("I bet he's not worried about you," says Kyle) and his history of defective relationships. She tosses out some of the vague statements, and Kyle conveniently and stupidly fills in the blanks about Ryan's broken engagements. It's all very irritating, and eventually Kyle kicks her out.

While Peter looks for Kyle's medical records over at Burns-Mancini-Your Name Here, Eve's parole officer shows up. Eve's missed her last two appointments with him, and unless she turns up soon he's going to issue a warrant for her arrest. This is what Peter gets for thinking that his day couldn't get any worse.

As we all know, Eve is on Jackie's boat eating a giant breakfast. Eve doesn't want to go back to Peter because of his supposed involvement with Amanda. Jackie remembers Amanda, and not favorably, from her visits when Eve was in the joint. "A chick who looks like that is always bad news," she warns Eve. "Just look at those black roots!" Rather than trying to work things out with Peter, Eve suggests that she and Jackie sail around the world like they always dreamed of doing when they were in the big house. I'm sure that when you're in prison, you have lots of interesting ideas, but that doesn't mean you should follow up on them. "We already know we make great roommates, except this time we won't be locked up. This time we'll be free!" Mm-hmm. Jackie is unsure, saying she has a job and a life now. (And if I had a job that let me live in a houseboat months after getting out of prison, I'd hate to leave that job, too!)

During tonight's first visit to AWA, Lex-an-khamen accosts Ryan with some bogus story about how his ex-fiancée wants to hire her agency for a campaign. She won't tell him which ex-fiancée is supposedly involved, making him play multiple choice so she can sneakily get the names of all three of Ryan's corporate honeys. Wet Lips, being a total ninny, falls for the bluff and tells her everything. Oh yeah, Ryan makes her promise not to tell Megan about his track record of broken engagements. Ryan thanks Lexi for being a good friend, and she thanks him for his honesty right before she runs out into the hall and writes the names on her hand. And isn't it nice how the head of a rival agency can waltz around Amanda's company without a problem?

Peter, Jane, and Michael are frantically searching Peter and Eve's apartment for clues about where Eve might have gone. Michael is, of course, holding a bra, and neither he nor Jane is being much help. Why are they there? We soon find out, because the mailman shows up with what we all know is this month's selection from Audrey's Yuckiest Home Videos, and Peter plays the tape in hopes of getting some information about Eve. Fortunately for him, that's not the nature of the tape, but this is unfortunate for Michael, who's caught red-handed (or something like that) in the sack with Audrey. Jane yells at him and demands a divorce (again), Peter demands the two million dollars back and fires Michael from the hospital and the firm (again), and we're all cursing at the TV (again). The one good thing for Peter is that now someone else is having a day that's about as crappy as his.

Eve and Jackie are having a gay old time on the boat drinking booze and planning their trip. Eve keeps thinking about Peter, but says that she still wants to go sailing off into the sunset with Jackie. After a really long hug accompanied by soft jazz, Eve heads off to bed and we're reminded that this is not a Cinemax film. She is distracted by a photo of her and Peter she has in her purse. (There must have been a golf tournament going on nearby, since Peter isn't even looking at the photographer. This is the best photo that Eve has?) She gazes at it sadly as Jackie watches her, unnoticed.

The next morning, as Peter arrives at the hospital, Jackie stops him. She tells him that she knows where Eve is. Being ever so snotty to the one person who can help him find his true love, he snidely suggests that ex-cons aren't supposed to hang out together. Yeah, that's good, Peter. Alienate the one person who can help you. Jackie asks, "Do you still love her?" He sputters out that she is his wife and that he needs to know where she is. "Is that concern or jealousy?" she asks. Jealousy of what? She tells him that she has a boat at the harbor, Slip 57. He rushes off like OJ used to do in those commercials at the airport.

Then we see the Empress having lunch at a restaurant in New York with three women. There's a redhead, a blonde, and a brunette. Looks like Baby Lips loves `em all! Anyway, Lexi tells them to push their chairs away from the table if they haven't had a thing with Ryan McBride. They all sit still, including Lexi. She proceeds to tell them that her "best friend" Megan is involved with Lip Boy, and she is concerned about his intentions. She implies that she is just a concerned friend, and she has never been with him herself. Okay, then why didn't she push her chair away? I mean, my best friend and I are close, but we don't go sharing our mates. Eeewwww. So the lovely ex-girlfriends begin reminiscing in a chipper manner about how virile in the sack our slobbery-lipped hero was. Then they all recount stories about how Ryan ran like a rabbit after they proposed to him. They all proposed to him? Wow. He does seem to like the aggressive type. No wonder Lexi's computer program suggested they should be together. So the Empress's evil plan is hatched: Get Megan and Ryan engaged, and he'll skeedattle. Sounds good to me!

So Peter arrives at Slip 57 to find Eve swabbing the deck or something. She is surprised to see him and frustrated that her Fresh Prince pal ratted her out. He tells her that he loves her and needs her to come back to him. I don't need you!" she retorts. "I'm finding it hard to remember why I ever loved you in the first place!" Peter walks off, dejected. Then, changing her mind in that endearing psychotic way we have grown to love, she calls out, "Peter!" running to him. She throws her arms around his neck, whimpering, "I'm sorry for everything I said. I love you, too!" And they embrace as I frantically scrabble for my after-dinner calcium-enriched mints.

The next thing we know, Eve is at Amanda's hospital room. In less than an hour, she has decided not to split town, that Peter didn't cheat on her, and that maybe she owes Amanda an apology. Yeah, this is the kind of friend/spouse we all dream of having. Such loyalty! Such giving of the benefit of the doubt! The Queen gives the Jailbird a much less than toasty welcome, telling her that she in effect killed a baby. Good point. She insists that Eve leave, and the Jailbird walks away, tail between her legs.

At Burns/Mancini/Anybody Want a Job?, Peter's secretary whines that she has to leave so she can get to class. She tells him that she has gotten a recording every time she's called the VA Hospital, and they haven't returned her messages. Which brings up the stupidity of their sending a semen sample to a VA Hospital when they could just do it there in-house, I mean how hard it is to pour the stuff on a slide and look through a microscope to scrutinize for swimmers? But I digress. Peter lets her leave, and Michael comes in. In one of his most moronic speeches ever, Michael comes clean about the whole affair, pardon the pun. He tells Peter that he needed the money to pay back the Children's Fund from which he had embezzled, which Peter didn't even know about, adding more fuel to the fire. He admits that he pulled a scam on the hospital with Audrey's help, and he had to sleep with her when she was no longer satisfied with just the $300,000 she got paid. He begs Peter to have a heart, and Peter agrees! What kind of crap is this? So Peter tells Michael that he has to pay back the $2 million and the money he swiped from the fund. And Michael is all cheerful and bubbly, asking "So I get to keep my job?" Why the hell is he so happy? He developed this scam to pay back the $100,000 and the tons of money he and Jane owe their attorneys. Now he owes what he originally owed, plus the $300,000 he paid Audrey, plus whatever of the $2 million he has already squandered, plus new attorney fees since Jane is demanding a divorce. Where's all this joy coming from? Anyone else confused?

As G.I. D'oh storms across the courtyard at 4616, he bumps into the Jailbird. He tells her he's going back to Boston. Maybe that's where Taylor went with Michael's baby, and they will reunite! That would be just swell! Eve tells him that he should try to work things out with the Queen, since nothing went on between Peter and Amanda. Why is she all of a sudden so convinced that nothing happened when she was certain there was an affair just a day ago? Anyway, Kyle tells her that she's wrong and she should get out, too. And he leaves in a huff.

Amanda opens her eyes in her hospital room to find Kyle standing by her bed. He asks how she's feeling, and she says, "Better now," implying that just the sight of the stubbly faced lug is medicine to her soul. He plunks down the deed to the club and the keys, telling her that it's all hers now, and he's leaving her forever. She tries to get him to talk, but he's stubborn and stupid about it, turning his back and leaving. Aaargh! He says he needs to make a new start for himself. Isn't that what Taylor had said to him when they were leaving Boston to go to L.A.? How many new starts does a person need? And shouldn't he go somewhere new to get a really really fresh start? Oops. Sorry. Using logic again.

The Empress arrives back at Sterling who-the-hell-is-Conway, wearing a very tight blue knit dress with a matching sweaterlike thing tied over it. She plays with her cleavage oddly while talking to Hooker Girl, who is bound tightly into a sleeveless blue top with a V-neck lined with small sequins. I have no idea how Megan can speak her lines, let alone breathe in that outfit. At least the Empress's tourniquet clothing is stretchy. Anyway, Lexi tells Megan how lucky she is to have a great relationship with a dashing young stud like Ryan. Megan asks her if she was drinking on the plane. The Empress denies this, insisting that Megan needs to have Wet Lips commit to an engagement. Megan is surprised and tells her that their relationship is just fine, thanks. And after she fell through the roof half-undressed with Michael and Ryan boinked Lexi on the sink at the club, I would recommend these two take their time, too. Whatever. So Lexi tosses a bride catalog to Megan, telling her that she'll be working on this new account. Oooh, what a devious ploy!

Over at the VA Hospital, Lunch Boy is STILL eating since the last time we saw him. As he greedily shoves food from a greasy brown bag into his gaping pie hole, Peter berates him for not sending over the file. Then the ridiculousity factor goes through the ceiling. Lunch Boy gives Kyle's file to Peter, who opens it and reads a sheet of paper from the top. The sheet says that a clerk made an error and that the information previously given on Doy Boy is erroneous; he has a normal to high sperm count. Okay, now since Lunch Boy had originally grabbed the wrong McBride file and read the info over the phone to Peter while shoveling grub down his gullet, how would anyone have known he gave out the wrong info? He had just put the files back together on his desk. HE sure wouldn't have been responsible enough to figure out his error and write up that form. Implausibility much, writers? The form says "sorry for the inconvenience," and Peter shrieks something about losing a human life being more than an inconvenience. He runs off, folder in hand.

G.I. D'oh and Lip Boy sit together in the airport, bonding and waiting for Kyle's plane to board. They tell each other how much they'll miss each other, and I feel my innards a-rumbling. Ryan tells Kyle that he's going to give his notice to Amanda, since he can't work for her any more. Don't you love the way people just jump to conclusions about everything? But you know, I have been thinking. <getting up on soapbox> The characters on this show have never been written as anything but vehicles for the action. We have never been able to predict what anyone will do, since the characters are not well-rounded, defined beings. And that, I believe, is part of the downfall of the show. We can't relate to any of the characters, we can't have the fun of trying to predict anything, since all we can know for sure is that something outrageous will happen, and the characters' motivations are completely non-existent. It's like reading a mystery novel without clues. When Kyle keeps saying that Amanda's true love is Peter, we have no idea if he's right or not. For all we know, it COULD be true. She doesn't act like it is, but it all depends on what wild hair crawls up the writers' hindquarters that week. And THAT, my friends, is what has always gotten my undies in a bunch about this show. <stepping down from soapbox> So Doy Boy and Baby Lips hug and get all squishy, and thank all that is holy, this scene ends.

After arriving back at the hospital with the infamous McBride file, Peter apparently had to go into emergency surgery and couldn't ask anyone else to drop off the file with Amanda. When he finally gets out of surgery and arrives at her room, she is dressed, wearing a skintight white shirt with little silver closures down the front. He shows her the file, and she is astounded. He tells her that times like these are when being Chief of Staff is valuable. Thanks for that reference, Pete. We had almost forgotten who had that job again. He grabs the phone and makes quick hero-like plans for the Damsel in Distress.

Michael pleads with Jane to listen to him. He tells her the same thing he told Peter, which was ridiculous then, but for some reason worked. This time, Jane isn't listening. She tells him that she wants out (I bet her attorney is going to dance a jig when she hears this! More cash flow from the Mancini household! Oooeee!) Jane also informs him that her father wired her the money to buy their old beach house, and she is on her way there. How that's possible is beyond me, considering that that horny real estate agent sold that house immediately to another family just a few short weeks ago. But let's not dwell on past events. The writers sure don't.

Amanda arrives at the airport in the helicopter that Peter arranged for her. I sure hope that no one needed to be medivacced out of anywhere in the meantime. So she runs up to the plane, where Kyle is just about to board. She calls to him, sprinting up the stairs. (Since when does a cross-country flight force passengers to board from the tarmac and not from the gate?) She shows him the file, proving to him that the baby was his. He gets that stupid, confused, blinking look on his face and realizes that he killed his own baby. "Our baby died because we couldn't trust each other," she says. Wait. I thought she was the one who DID trust him and wanted the relationship to work, and HE was the one who tried to beat up her supposed lover Peter and inadvertently tossed her through a window? But hey, all the other women on this show take the blame for the men's actions, so she's just following suit. "I'm sorry; I'm sorry about everything," he blithers. They hug, and their black leather jackets melt into one.

--written by Ellen and zinc, edited by Ken

The Queen and her minion decide to have a family, but not to rush things this time. The Jailbird's past is revealed to Peter's co-workers. Lip Boy proposes to the Ex-Hooker. Amanda and Kyle decide that 4616 has too many bad memories attached, and there's "only one thing to do." Ritual suicide?