Quick cut to Amanda and Kyle smooching in bed.  Quickly I distract myself from the smooching by asking myself mundane questions such as "What happened to the leopard-print sheets?"  And has Amanda always had that New Orleans bordello-style headboard?  Fortunately for my acid reflux, the lovebirds are interrupted by water dripping on them from the hole in the roof that Michael and Megan created a few months ago.  Just when they decide to ignore it and get back to getting busy, there's a knock at the door.  It's Michael, complaining that there's faulty wiring in his kitchen and a clogged shower nozzle in, presumably, the bathroom.  Shouldn't he instead be worrying about how he's going to pay his rent, considering he owes several creditors tons of money?  Instead he helps himself to coffee.  Mi casa es su casa, right?  Enter Megan, whose pipes have burst, and Peter and Eve, who have no heat in their apartment (in more ways than one, as Peter explains to Amanda that things between him and Eve are pretty chilly too).  Amanda and Eve exchange glares before Eve scrams.  Unless Ryan arrives complaining of hordes of black flies or blood coming out of the toilet, I'd say that's probably it for the opening sequence.

And we have commercials.

In general, I really like the trend of witnessing some California-ish activity during the credits. But Amanda and Kyle frolicking on the beach drawing hearts in the sand makes me ill.  Remember that Amanda has just fallen out of a window and had a miscarriage.  She carries Kyle piggyback for a while, which seems rather a bad idea.  The Queen and Doy Boy sit on a sand dune and vow to spend more time alone together, working out their inner turmoil without any help from Dr. Visconti, thereby confirming everyone's impression that he's utterly useless.

Back home, Megan's in a tizzy because she can't find her brown pumps, which I'm not sure would go with her outfit anyway, when Lexi arrives.  The cranky repairman who's also there tells Megan that her busted pipes "are from the Stone Age", meaning the 1980's I guess.  Lexi thus suggests Megan find a new place to live.  Megan claims that she's hooked on the quaint charm of the place, despite all the cheating, death, and other weirdness that goes on there (which leads me to a technical question:  Wasn't the whole place pretty much rebuilt after Kimberly blew it up?  If so, why is it so run-down all of a sudden?).  "This place needs an overhaul, and it's filled with obnoxious people," retorts Lexi.  Sorry, no Lenny and Squiggy... Instead cue Ryan in, looking for his briefcase, which for some reason is under the couch.  While Megan continues to run around looking for her shoes, Lexi tortures Ryan with memories of their night in the closet at Singles Camp.  Megan finally finds her shoes, Ryan finds his briefcase (and another shoe, this one his), and Lexi tells them that paying double rent to Amanda is ridiculous and they should just take the plunge.  Uneasy, Ryan bolts, and Megan snaps that she has no intention of letting someone else "gobble" Ryan up.  There's a really dirty joke festering in here, but I'm feeling generous this week and will let you phrase it yourself.  Go Monica.

Jane is moving into the beach house when she's approached by her new neighbor who, even though he's wearing a coat and tie, has zero social skills.  "I hope you packed a bikini," he drools within 20 seconds of opening his mouth.  Ewww.  Ignoring Jane's signals to get lost, Mr. Wrong embarrasses himself a little more and finally makes a crack about Jane's lack of male companionship (not that she ever really had any), prompting her to retreat into the house to direct traffic.  Amanda prances in with flowers and the edict that she needs Jane back at work at that very moment, even though Jane protests that she took time off to move.  "You can always unpack later," dictates the Queen, who goes on to remind Jane that her financial situation isn't the greatest and that she can hardly afford to jeopardize her job.  No sir - no threat there!  Amanda then springs the bulletin that the legendary revised Dream House is just half a mile down the road, and isn't it swell that they'll soon be neighbors again?  Jane spares a big fakey smile through her teeth.

The ER at Wilshire Memorial is flooded with patients - thus the name ER - giving Michael a chance to display his medical agility.  However, he's thwarted by Dr. Somebody-or-Other, Peter's former rival for Chief of Staff and now Head of Peer Review for some giant conglomerate.  I can't figure out her name, so I'm making one up for her, and apparently Dr. Bitch's job consists of telling the docs at Wilshire Memorial to send their uninsured patients to the County Hospital.  Michael, quite receptive to the idea of reimbursement right now, surprisingly challenges her authority and demands retaining all the patients, even the ones who can't pay.  Not a popular position these days.  Peter shows up and injects himself - into the discussion.  Quickly joining the fray is a teenager concerned about his dad, who lost his job and has no insurance.  Peter reassures the kid that his father's not going to die and then decrees that everyone stays, adding to Dr. Bitch that she either move it or lose it.  Michael purses his lips in consternation as she stalks away, vowing revenge.

Some other band is playing at the Upstairs, and I'm so happy that I almost didn't see Eve on the phone.  For some reason, she's chosen a crowded club instead of a nice quiet pay phone to talk to Jackie, who's slaving at her dishwashing job and either peeling onions or crying about how it looks like she and Eve won't sail off into the sunset after all.  Eve gives Jackie credit for getting her and Peter back together, but that just depresses Jackie even more, before the surly Head Dishwasher grabs the phone and hangs up.  Eve turns around to see Kyle, and her day isn't gonna get any better, because he tells her that it would be best if she not sing at the club anymore.  Armchair critics across America cheer as Eve sadly agrees to clear out her dressing room.

During the commercial break, Kyle apparently high-tailed it over to the construction site, where he and Amanda learn to their dismay that their Dream House will take another 10 months or so to complete, seeing as how the first one got burned down and all.  Oops - are they gonna have to extend the show's contract?   Yet another hundred grand would speed up the process, say the builders, but for some reason that's problematic for the Queen and her Doy Toy.  Amanda asks to see the plans, thinking that perhaps they can simplify the kitchen, but Kyle runs over to help a workman put up a wall and hammer some stuff into place.  Union regulations be damned!  Rude awakening - Allah himself can't speed up the construction of a house when unions are involved.

Back at the hospital, Michael and Peter congratulate themselves on doing such a fabulous job saving all the participants in that accident.  Peter unfastens Michael's surgical gown in the back. Will things take an interesting turn?  No such luck - he's just being helpful.  Peter reveals that all night in the operating room he was thinking about his father, who never had insurance or a medical checkup in his life.  Funny how he's dead now.  The gruesome twosome make their way to Peter's office to discover Eve snoozing on the black leather couch.  Eve awakens and hugs Peter for being such a good doctor, and Michael of course demands a hug too.  Eve tells Peter about getting fired, and thus Peter wants to go speak to Kyle.  Then the door opens and Dr. Bitch comes in with some older fellow who looks mighty familiar.  What Aaron Spelling show was he on?  [Shoutout to Amanda for shedding some light on his identity. He was Joseph Campanella who played Harper Devereaux on "Days Of Our Lives".] Nonetheless, he proceeds to read Peter the riot act about treating all those uninsured patients, and Dr. Bitch chimes in with what I think are actually justified questions about letting Amanda ride in the Medivac helicopter and Michael's recent sexual harassment problems.  Hey, where are the FAA, EEOC, AMA, and the EIEIO?? After Dr. Bitch and Mr. Old Man leave, Michael and Peter brief Eve (and us) on the history behind Dr. Bitch's animosity toward Peter.  Michael simplifies it as "uptight woman who's not fooled by my slick Rico Suave routine" terms.  Don't worry, Eve.

Amanda arrives home to discover that the roofing man has deemed her roof not up to code, thereby putting her insurance in jeopardy.  She tries to bribe him but talks her way out of it when he threatens to report her.  Retrofitting the building to be up to code will cost mucho bucks, causing Amanda to look around helplessly at what seemingly overnight has turned into a giant stucco money pit.  Where's Kimberly when you need her?

At the Upstairs, Megan searches for Ryan but finds Michael instead.  Poor thing.  He asks if she thinks him to be "shallow".  She replies that, on the contrary, she finds him to be "quite deep".  Huh?  Compared to whom - Matt Dillon?  She manages to make his scheming and selfishness sound appealing by putting it in such positive terms that one suddenly realizes how being a call girl is ideal preparation for working in advertising.  Delighted, Michael gets Megan some wine, ignoring her protests that she has to meet Ryan.  They giggle about their past sex life and Megan's current one until The Lipster shows up and tells Michael to knock it off.  Michael nonchalantly continues to reminisce about his history with Megan, which pleases Ryan not a bit, and things look like they could get ugly until Lexi shows up and drags Michael out to the dance floor.  She tells Michael that he's not exactly "Happily Ever After Material", and though insulted, he immediately reveals why Lexi's statement is on target, as he bobs his head around like an angry dancing goose with no rhythm.

Meanwhile, back at the New Amityville Horror, Eve and Peter dine and discuss the benefits of Eve not working nights anymore.  Most of these benefits seem to involve sex, which for some reason doesn't seem to interest Eve.  Speaking of which, where's Jackie?  Eve grouses about her failed friendship with Amanda.  Get on the back of that line, will you? "She even had you first," she complains to Peter.  Don't feel bad, honey - Amanda got to lots of men before you did.  The pity party is broken up by a knock on the door.  Hey, look, it's Jackie, who apparently had the crap beaten out of her but still knew how to get to Eve's place!  Peter calls an ambulance as Jackie pants painfully and Eve tries to reassure her.

The Queen strolls into Wilshire Memorial in a conservative gray jacket and short short skirt with a white shell.  She's there to take Pete up on his breakfast offer. He cuts right to the chase, asking her how long she's going to hold a grudge against his jailbird wife. The Queen bristles, telling Peter that Eve's "subconscious wanted to hurt [her]." "She needs you," protests Peter. "She should have thought of that before she tried to destroy me," Amanda retorts. No kidding. Eve stirs up all this trouble, causes Kyle to go more nuts than usual and results in Amanda's miscarrying? Yeah, I can understand why Eve thinks Amanda should just forgive and forget.

Walking out of surgery, Michael utters "Nice job, people" to his co-workers. A woman in scrubs comes up to him and tells him that there's a surprise audit, and all the files and records are being studied, including the Children's Fund. Michael bursts into Peter's office, where one female and two male auditors look up with threatening looks on their faces.  I personally am an auditor, and I have never given any auditees a look like that. Now I have something to aspire to!  Michael rushes out, muttering "gotta stop this, gotta stop this." He leans against the wall and closes his eyes. When he opens them, he spies the fire alarm. I wonder if the fire alarms there squirt that purple dye like they do in school, causing you to get pulled into the principal's office cuz you are the only one in the school with hands that resemble Barney. "Don't even think of it, Michael!" Peter commands. He tells Michael that he already paid back the Children's Fund himself. When Michael gets all sappy and grateful about his good friend Peter, trying to hug him, Peter yells "No hugging!" and informs him that he only did it to piss off Schulman, so that she wouldn't have anything to use against him.

Speaking of Dr. Schulman, she just so happens to slink down the hallway near Jackie's room in time to overhear the two jailbirds fondly reminiscing about their days in the big house. They talk about how they both got to know the system and the rules and how it just got so easy. Yeah, frequent beatings and roach-infested food sounds like a great way of life! Jackie warmly recalls the second time she went to prison (yeah rehab works...) and found out that she was rooming with a murderer, none other than our sweet Eve. Schulman decides that she has enough ammo, so she sashays into the room, exclaiming, "So Dr. Burns married an ex-con!" "You can't use my past against Peter! It's not fair!" whines Eve.  But Schulman hops on her broom and flies away, cackling. Eve vows to get her back, promising that she'll "take care of her," but Jackie insists that she'll "handle it." Yeah, these two strike me as the types I'd want covering my back in a time of crisis.

Megan sits at her desk and looks at a cheesy picture of a bride and groom by a wedding cake. Predictably enough, the two people in the picture morph into Hooker Girl and Baby Lips, and they are having such a disgusting conversation that I had to turn my head and cover my ears, shouting "lalalalalalalaIcanthear youlalalalalalalala!" Unfortunately, I did hear Megan begging Ryan to "say it again," to which he responds, "Mrs. Ryan McBride."  Ugh! Sounds like that would make it hard to deal with phone calls. "Is Ryan McBride there?" "I don't know. Which one did you want? Mr. Ryan McBride or Mrs. Ryan McBride?" Michael - real and live - comes in and tells her he'd like to take her out to dinner and a movie since she's the only one who likes him anymore.  She confesses that she has plans to go to Jane's housewarming party. She hugs him, telling him that she didn't want to "bum him out," which is exactly what this scene did to me until Lexi came in to save the day, commenting that the sign on the door reads "Sterling Conway Enterprises, not come in and cop a feel."  Lead by example please, Lexi!  Michael departs, and Lexi insists that Megan propose to Ryan immediately, in fact, that very night!

Once more to Wilshire Memorial, where Eve informs Peter that Jackie is missing and also that Dr. Schulman plans on using her past to hurt him. He tells her not to worry for the 800th time. I'm sure not worried. Are you?

Over at the beach house that Jane somehow bought even though it was on the market and sold immediately just a few weeks ago but we won't dwell on that, Jane is having her dinner party. Amanda, Kyle, Megan and Ryan are all there. They make a few toasts. Jane says that she's looking forward to not having to pull other people's laundry from the washer and dryer. Amanda complains that she's tired of everyone knowing her business. Jane mentions that the previous owner had a second bedroom built and she'll issue guest passes. Wow. So the last owners bought it, had a bedroom built, and sold it immediately, all within a matter of months? That sounds rational. Maybe Amanda and Kyle should get those folks to build their house, instead. Jane mentions that she wants to have steps built from the patio to the beach, but that she never could get Michael to do it.  I guess that would be during her stay there that lasted maybe all of 6 weeks, right? Which brings me to my next question. Why would Jane want to purchase a home originally owned by the woman her husband first left her for? Did the tech people figure there was no reason for a new set given the show's cancellation? Don't they have some old Casa Walsh leftovers from 90210? But I digress... Jane asks if anyone knows an inexpensive handyman. Kyle says he can and will do it. When Amanda asks when he'll have the time, he says that he'll get an assistant manager for the club and let the Super Mario take over more responsibility at the restaurant. Amanda asks Ryan if he has perused her finances. When he tells her no, she demands those figures immediately. Megan mentions to Ryan that Amanda sure knows what she wants, which probably brings her thoughts to a lifetime of slobbery lips, which prompts her to ask him to take a romantic walk on the beach.

Well, well, Jackie is holding a gun to Dr. Schulman's back.  Oh, yeah, that'll teach her and make everything all better for Peter and Eve. Yep, this IS a woman you want on your side in an emergency. Peter happens to be walking out in time to see, and he tells Jackie to stop, that he'll take care of their problems. She tells him that she can't, that she "need[s] her wheels." She drives off in the BMW, leaving Peter to try to comfort Dr. Schulman. Schulman is having none of it, telling Peter through clenched teeth, "I'm going to bury you, Burns. You're through."

Upstairs, where that ghastly Swirl 360 singer is looking pitifully in need of a square meal or seven, the Empress Lex sits down next to Michael. "Buy me a drink," she demands. "No. You're always insulting me," he complains. She orders a stinger, ignoring him. They go on to discuss good relationships, and Michael explains his theory of winning versus losing in love, which is all timing. One, he and Jane married too young the first time; two, Syd was too interested in being a madam (but the fact he was blackmailed into marrying her in the first place was obviously no big deal); three, Kimberly was on the brink of being a psycho even when they first hooked up and then was about to die the second time;  four, that he really loved Megan, but he cheated on her, and then when Coop left and Megan said he was the man of her dreams, Jane came back into his life, and now Jane was gone, too. And after all this crap I just went through, Megan is going to marry Ryan. Mike looks depressed, and Lexi doesn't appear to care. Come to think of it, no one should. Lexi tells him that Ryan and Megan won't get married, and that she knew she was right, cuz her timing is never off. Yeah, right. That's why she ended up naked and desperate in Eve and Peter's honeymoon suite.

Hooker Girl wears a gray jacket with a hood and LARGE pompoms - on the drawstrings - and  Lip Boy, in a brown suede jacket, walk along the beach. Megan starts to propose, and Ryan stops her, telling her not to "ruin everything." Feeling rejected, she makes a comment about "feeling cold outside". Alas, he stops her and tells her that he wants to do it right. "I'd love to spend the rest of my life with you. Would you marry me?" he asks. "Yes!" she blurts, and they co-slather.

At 4616, Eve paces in the kitchen. When she hears Peter enter, she runs to ask him "Did you find Jackie?" He tells her he hasn't and begins to blither "I'm a good Chief of Staff. And I'm not going down without a fight." He goes on to tell her that he's proud of her and that he is going to make everything all right again. Must be cool being a superhero in your own mind, eh?

Still in bed, our favorite ex-hooker calls the Empress to give her the "good news" about her engagement. D'oh!! When she tells the Empress that Wet Lips proposed, Lexi is disturbed, saying "that's not right!" Megan notices that Ryan is packing a bag, and asks him where he's going. When Lexi overhears that he is leaving town for some unexpected business, she is oh-so-jazzed. The wicked plan is coming along quite nicely! They get off the phone and Lexi caresses a picture of herself and Ryan at the Passion Island Resort, talking to it in that insane manner we all knew and loved from Kimberly. Foreshadowing of severe psychosis? I sure hope so! Anyway, Megan tells Ryan that she wants an engagement party, and she will even call Shirley Partridge to tell her about it! She then worries that he might be freaking out, but he assures her that he's not and that he'll return "before [she] know[s] it."

The Queen bumps into Baby Lips as he leaves his apartment, suitcase in hand. She asks him about those figures that she asked him to ruin, er I mean run!  She asks where he's going, and he tells her that he has to leave town for personal reasons, and his plane leaves in an hour. Do you wonder what your boss would have to say if you just hightailed it out of town without attempting to give notice?  Maybe if I coated my lips in Vaseline and put an insipid look on my face I'd get away with it just like Ryan. Anyway, he tells her that she has a second mortgage on the apartment building and she can't afford a third, so she should hold onto her assets and wait until Christmas to move into the new house. As he rushes off, the slapstick comedy continues! The sconce outside Michael's apartment falls off the wall! Oh the multiple coincidental bungles with the complex that all happen at the same time! The horror!

Okay, now here is a scene that I actually enjoyed quite a bit. Strap on your seatbelts, cuz it's quite shocking to see both Jane and Kyle in a scene worth dwelling upon. Kyle is over at Jane's to begin building her steps. Jane, wearing a jean jacket with a gray sweater and a kerchief tied jauntily around her neck a la Fred from Scooby Doo, spots Brad coming up the beach to hit on her again. Forewarning Kyle about his unwanted advances, Jane frowns and looks helpless. Kyle walks into the house and when Brad shows up, he walks out, zipping up his jeans, saying "Sweetheart, that was the best sex we've ever had." Leering at Brad, he introduces himself as Jane's boyfriend and says, "Thanks for the taffy. I had a couple of pieces in bed last night. It was GOOD!" he exclaims. "Yeah, it was GOOD." Jane echoes, laughing. Brad apologizes for bothering them and leaves.

After that refreshingly amusing scene, stupidity reigns yet once again. Eve arrives at 4616 to see Jackie in the courtyard. Jackie tells Eve that she carjacked Dr. Schulman's BMW just so she could have a free ride back to the slammer. When Eve tries to convince Jackie to get a good lawyer, Jackie insists that she just can't make it out in the real world (hey, wasn't she the one who just last week didn't want to take off for Mexico with Eve cuz she had finally gotten her life together and was living on a rad boat?) The police come squealing up to the curb, and Jackie walks out, hands in the air, arrogantly demanding, "What took you so long?"

Over in Poughkeepsie, NY, Lip Boy walks through a pristine tiled hallway and bumps into a nun. The nun asks him why he's there so late, since visiting hours are over. He says that he's there to see "Sarah", which is amusing, since his priest character on Models, Inc. was dating a character named Sarah. He promises not to wake her, saying "she's my daughter." He walks into a bedroom and views a little girl sleeping peacefully. He smiles at her, and the scene ends.

Back at 4616, the pool is eagerly licking up along its tile side, hoping to get a taste of Amanda, who's sitting in a melancholy manner on the stairs by her apartment. We see a flashback of the day she bought the complex, complete with Alison and Billy looking amazed and confused when they hear the news (actually that was Alison looking amazed and Billy looking confused). Doy Boy sits down next to her, asking her what's on her mind. She tells him what. She admits that she used it to get herself into everyone's lives, which I thought was an interesting confession. Sadly, the only things she can think of NOW are the bad things that have happened there, like Brooke dying in the pool, Kimberly blowing the place up, and Kyle (here she mumbles something and he nods his head, grunting his agreement). Wait. I thought she said she could only remember the BAD things. Those were the highlights of the show! I can still remember the dull thwack of Brooke's cranium as she was sacrificed to the pool god. Those were the days!!  The Queen says that this place has "wrecked [their] lives." Her minion adds, "...and our dreams." "There's only one thing to do," Her Highness proclaims. "It has to be your decision," Kyle says. Okay, so we obviously know that she's going to sell the place, and that really speaks volumes of her confidence in Ryan's skills, since he's supposed to be this big Wall Street financial guru guy, and he told her in no uncertain terms to hang onto the place. Yeah, it's good to be Queen and ignore the advice of your educated subjects. "Let them eat Tums!"

Down in a storage room that I don't remember seeing since Taylor was digging for some Christine info in Kyle's footlocker, the Queen and her minion search frantically for something. Then they pull it out. It's a For Sale sign with Hollywood West Real Estate's Agency's name and a 555 number on it. They carry it out to the front and hang it on the gate. Do ignore the implausibility of a) the real estate agency leaving their sign behind and b) putting the place up for sale with an agency without even contacting the agency to let them know that you are putting it on the market, and just savor the moment. "This is the end," says Amanda. "No, this is the beginning," says Kyle. "Give me some antacids," says Zinc (that's me) . And the episode ends.

--written by Ellen and zinc, edited by Anthony

We get a bizarre montage-ish preview, telling us that we have seven more episodes to slog through until the show meets its untimely demise. The Queen declares that she needs some cutthroats, Megan screams "How could you do this?" and slaps Ryan in a church, Eve bitchslaps Dr. Schulman, and Lexi gets her blouse torn open. And we have to wait til whenever for our next episode! Hang tough, Melrosians!