Back to the here and now, Wet Lips McBride is at the St. Agnes Boarding School and Penitentiary, where he's having a late-night chat with his little daughter (!) Sarah. Ryan hopes to introduce Sarah to his new "friend," Megan. "You and she have a lot in common, Sarah. You both smile a lot and have the wisdom of an 8-year-old." When he suggests that the three of them spend his next visit together, Sarah squeals, "No, Daddy! That's OUR time!" She asks if he feels serious about Megan. Ryan responds, "A little serious." "But not married-serious! That's our deal." "Yeah, yeah, you little brat...!" "What did you say, Daddy?" "Sure, sure, that's a fact!"

Terry, Sarah's aunt (and Ryan's sister-in-law), shows up and she's not happy. Nor should she be: She's played by Alexandra Paul, whose one-time promising career has now led to lame guest spots on cancelled shows. Terry is not happy to see Ryan and tells him to go: "Sarah needs her sleep so she can be even more annoying tomorrow." After leaving Sarah's room, Terry scolds Ryan for disturbing his daughter with this unannounced visit. Terry also whines about her own plight, saying she has to be both father and mother to Sarah. (Since this is Melrose Place, does this mean she gets to cheat on herself?) "That's right," says Baby Lips sarcastically. "Your sister's dead." Gee, this is not the way to get on Terry's good side. She quickly retorts, "And whose fault is that?" Apparently, she blames Ryan for her sister's death -- and so does he! Ryan says Terry can't keep him from his daughter, but she reminds him that she's the legal guardian and that he can only have Sarah three weeks out of the year.

Okay, let's go over the supposed facts here: Ryan was once married and had a daughter. His wife died, and he lost custody of the kid to an ex-Baywatch star. He occasionally dodges past the ninja-nun security to visit the girl and even gets to spend several weeks with her each year. And his idiot brother Kyle knows nothing about this? I don't know what's worse: Kyle's missing brain cells or Ryan's near-annual engagements that always end when his demon-child offspring reminds him of his promise that he wouldn't marry again!

Speaking of G.I. D'oh, back at the apartment complex he encourages Amanda to take a break from work and meet him for lunch that afternoon. The Workaholic Queen says she'll try, which of course means no, and leaves for the office even though it's about 10 p.m. In the courtyard, Michael gripes to Amanda about the "for sale" sign, worried that the new owner might kick him out. She ignores him, but then Eve steps out of her apartment. The Jailbird says that if Amanda is selling MP solely to get rid of her, then she'll leave on her own. (Well, check out Little Miss Ego!) When Eve again futilely asks for Amanda's forgiveness, the cold Queen quite rightly renders her imperial judgment: "Deal with it." At that moment, a couple of detectives stroll into the courtyard to take Eve in for questioning in the Jackie case! As she's escorted out, she pleads with Amanda to tell Peter what's happening.

Peter, who hasn't had the smoothest of seasons so far, finds himself at the police precinct yet again as he waits for the detectives to finish with Eve. (He's become such a familiar face that he even has access to the doughnut pile.) Although he's disturbed to see Eve in trouble, he's even more disturbed that this emergency interrupted his hour-long hair gel application. As Peter finishes sucking out the inside of a Boston Cream, the detective informs him that Eve is free to go. However, her recent violations have resulted in a parole board hearing tomorrow, and the detective believes that she'll go straight from the hearing back to jail. Peter is turned on by the thought of conjugal visits. Kinky!

Later, we see Kyle in the middle of the new framework for his and Amanda's dream house, version 2.0. He's setting up a table for lunch, complete with checkered tablecloth, wineglasses, a basket of food, and a jug of kerosene, just in case he decides to set fire to this one, too. Amanda calls him on the cell phone to say - surprise! -- she can't meet him for lunch. "That fool Ryan is missing in action. I don't care if he is your brother -- I'll teach that slave to defy his mistress!" She says she's swamped with work, and Kyle sadly accepts her apology. After hanging up the phone, Amanda talks to her good friend Jane (yeah, right!), and the Queen admits she isn't sure if she can pull back from her work as Kyle has. "I get such joy from tormenting my drones and watching them squirm. Domesticity would suck. Lick my boots!"

The camera then cuts to a slow-motion shot of Kyle as he s-l-o-w-l-y puts the wineglasses back in the basket, and we hear the soothing voice of Chris Isaak, who is performing at the Upstairs. Chris Isaak? What's he doing here? Shouldn't he be filming a "Where Are They Now?" special on VH-1? At any rate, it seems that "mellow" is back in fashion again at the bar. Pity the poor patrons - but at least Eve's not singing anymore.

At the Upstairs, we now get to see Chris Isaak and his croony old self while Megan and Michael chat over wine at a nearby table. She happily says that Ryan just came back from his sudden "business trip" and they're going to meet at a church in a little while. Good ol' Clueless Lewis doesn't seem to think there's anything particularly odd about meeting in a church at night. Michael is more concerned about events at the hospital, where the ultra-constricting Dr. Shulman plans to close the trauma center, with many layoffs to follow. Megan is worried about the nurses who'll lose jobs, but Michael pleads, "What about me?" She tells him that he should rally the troops and fight this. "You've always been great at helping the underdog. Look what you did for me!" (Are we supposed to believe that Megan's life is LESS painful since she met Michael? One word: Coop!) Michael, as always, responds fairly well to ego-stroking, and he leaves for the hospital. Lexi intercepts him on the way out and compliments him on his attention to Megan, saying he'll be in prime position to cushion the fall once Ryan dumps her. Michael scoffs, "He's coming back here to MARRY her, you moron." Supremely confident, Lexi strides over to the booth and sits across from Megan, who thanks her dear friend for everything she's done. Gag! "I don't know how I'll ever repay you." "One day you will, sugah!"

Over at Melrose Place, the Queen rejects another phone offer to buy the complex. "I won't sell this place so you can tear it down and build condos! It has historical value: It's the last place where Andrew Shue and Grant Show had jobs!" She hangs up, and Kyle questions her desire to sell. Amanda admits that she probably will miss this place and a couple of the people in it. When Kyle mentions Eve, however, she gets all feisty again. Doy Boy pushes the forgiveness mantra, saying that everyone (including the two of them) has made mistakes. "You forgave me, you gotta forgive her! Things like that make sense to me, honey, but then I'm simple."

Across the courtyard, Eve wants to get frisky with Peter, but he's extremely uptight. Besides the Shulman mess, he's worried about the Jailbird. "If you had taken my advice, we wouldn't be in this mess!" Eve is confused, and Peter relays the detective's dire prediction about her parole, adding that the parole board doesn't like Eve's "attitude." "Well, what the bloody hell does that mean? Smeg! I'll go over there and rip their heads off!" He says, "They think you're better off back in prison, where your aggression can be put to better use in daily catfights." "But you're a doctor! You can pay for lawyers -- and judges, dammit!" "Honey, I appreciate your crusade for morality in the legal system, but there's nothing else I can do."

Cut to the church, where Ryan starts to have nasty flashbacks of his wife and baby in a burning car. Before we can see further (even though it's obvious what happened), Megan bounces in, unaware of Wet Lips' dour mood. He starts off by grumbling, "Marriage has to start with honesty, right?" "Well, I really should buy the gown first..." After he mentions things that Megan doesn't know about, she casually dismisses it as him getting "cold feet." "No, damn it, Megan! You're not listening! My feet are warm!" He bluntly tells her that he slept with Lexi during the trip to Mexico. Megan is shocked! He says, "It's always gonna be like this! I'll find some way to hurt you! I'm nothing but a big pinch!" Megan gives him a sharp slap. "How could you do this?" she yells, and she runs into the rain as Ryan slumps and feels sorry for himself. Loser.

A short time later, Lexi answers the door to her condo and sees that it's Megan. (Where the hell is the building's doorman? Is he hired by the same company that gives Amanda her receptionists?) Megan sadly doesn't slap Lexi but does hurl out the great line, "You are such a BITCH!" She tells her what Ryan said, which does not please Lexi. Still, Lexi says, "Someday, Megan honey, you are gonna thank me..." "Save it. I am out of your life -- friendship, business ... I quit!" She leaves, and Lexi seems genuinely upset at the loss of her "friend." Puh-leeze!

The next day, Eve and Peter face the three-member parole board. Amanda and Kyle take seats behind them. The senior member, obvious as the only one who got paid to speak any dialogue, asks Eve about the maps that were found onboard Jackie's boat: "Mexico, Guam, Area 51 ... these indicate that you're an accomplice and a flight risk." Eve makes a feeble attempt to defend herself, but the guy says, "You have repeatedly violated your parole, and you've played for a really terrible band that has been thankfully banished from the continuum. Can anyone give me one good reason for not sending her to jail?" On cue, Amanda stands up and, well, lies. She says Eve is an "entertainment consultant" for her agency, as well as a person of great character and morality. (Sure, as long as she's not asking Peter to buy some judges!) "I rely on her to keep me honest. It would be a terrible hardship if I lost her. I would also take out my rage by whipping all those around me." The senior guy says, "Well, normally I would ask for proof of your claims, but gosh darn it, you look honest and carry a whip well, so I'll just be stupid and assume you're telling me the truth." The panel briefly deliberates, and Eve thanks Amanda for what she said. They engage in mutual forgiveness. The senior guy says, "The majority of the board has voted to give you the benefit of the doubt. The other board member had Holyfield winning the fight by three rounds." Eve is free to go! Don King sets the time for the next parole hearing.

That night, the ever-active handyman Kyle is over at the beach house, repairing the patio stairs for new owner Jane. However, the torrential rains force him to postpone the work for now. Jane is busy in the kitchen, preparing dinner for her date. Kyle offers to help her spice up the sauce she's making, and Jane says she has some misgivings about the date, whom she met at the office. "He's a bit of an airhead." Yo, Jane! You stalked Jake, pined after Fashion Boy Richard, rubbed Billy's thigh, and married Michael Mancini -- twice! You are the last person to criticize anyone, so shut up! The phone rings, and Jane finds out that her airhead has to cancel: A mudslide is blocking the main road. Kyle knows this affects him, too, so he tries to call Amanda -- but the storm knocks out the electricity. Jane sighs in the darkness, "I don't suppose you do lighting, too?" "As a matter of fact..." He then proceeds to light the candles that Jane has set up. What a smoothie! Jane then invites him to eat dinner there, and they share an awkward glance. Gee, you'd think these two were married from the way they look at each other. Oh yeah, they are married! I wonder if they'll end up together by the series finale. I doubt Kyle is going to accept Amanda's workaholic lifestyle forever.

Over at the Upstairs, where there apparently is no storm, Eve and Amanda share a celebratory drink as Chris Isaak again desperately seeks air time. Amanda says they may have to come up with some cover for Amanda's "entertainment consultant" excuse at the hearing. Amanda goes to accept a phone call from Kyle, and Peter joins Eve at the bar. He's grumpy (as usual) because someone wants to buy his father's property in Texas. Eve thinks this would be a good thing, but Peter, who appears to have bogarted Amanda's martini, has no desire to return to that area to talk to the buyers. "Besides, Dr. Shulman has hired some hack from 'Chicago Hope' to take over the ICU. What is she thinking? That show will die before we do, damn it!" Eve tries to convince him to take a short break and go with her to Texas. "Come on! You were more open there than I've ever seen you. Think of it as a 24-hour getaway!" Is this something an ex-con should be saying? Can somebody say "flight risk"?

Ryan sits in his Melrosian apartment, tearfully returning to his flaming flashback, which again ends abruptly. Hey, Wet Lips, let's see the whole thing next time! A fuming Lexi enters the pad, angry that he told Megan about Mexico. "It was supposed to be our secret, sugah. Now ah've lost my best friend and #1 sap!" Ryan, in a weird, self-destructive mood, says, "Who cares? Now we can be together!" He grabs a rubber duck and starts putting some disturbing moves on her, and Lexi pushes him back. Ryan says, "Remember this trick?" He then rips open her blouse! "Hey, maybe we can have sex in the closet again, or how about a back alley?" he says nastily. Predictably, Lexi slaps him. "Hmmph," he says. "Even Megan did it better than that." Whoa! Lexi retaliates with a borderline punch! "Hmmph," he says. "Even my brother did it better than that." She storms out, saying, "I don't know who you are anymore." Left alone with his ducky, Ryan exudes self-contempt. He's not a great actor, but he does this better than Kyle -- and without the benefit of chin stubble!

Peter makes the long pilgrimage to his personal Mecca, daddy's trailer.  He and the financially astute Eve are ready to strike a non-deal when the cellphone rings.  It's Michael, and he's scared.  Apparently the bigwigs at the hospital are planning to say coup-de-ta-ta to Peter as indicated by their closed door meeting.  Pete tries to pawn it off on Mike until he gets home.  However, Mike persists, and finally Peter decides to hop on back home.  Eve decides to take the financial reins and handle the land sale herself.  Peter thinks the land is relatively worthless, thus his agreeability. Not even a Series 7 and she's striking deals.  Don't they do background checks anymore?

Kyle is whistling like Popeye, flipping a bottle repeatedly as he enters Melrose.  His wife is atop the balcony, handling day to day duties, in this case expelling a resident.  She asks him how "the beach" was, and in typical style doesn't wait to hear his droning on answer, telling him she's late for work.  As she tries to exit her door, well, Megan's in the way.  In three seconds, she completely details her breakup with Ryan, and asks Kyle to pick up a bunch of personal articles for her at his place.  Kyle can't imagine why they have broken up, as if he doesn't know his own flesh and blood.  Megan says he'll have to find out from his "dysfunctional brother" himself.  He came back from New York "a completely different person".  Yes, I know the feeling...  Amanda attempts to hire Megan now that she's free of the Mood Hair Woman and her company.  Logically (for once) Megan declines lest she be near her ex.  Nor does she want to be hired and fired more times than Alison and Yankee manager Billy Martin.  Amanda says she was merely trying to capitalize on Lexi's misfortune.  "Business first", opines Kyle.

At the hospital, Peter arrives just in time for the meeting that started when he was still at daddy's farm.  Go figure.  Dr. Bitch conducts the meeting, and sarcastically greets Peter as he storms in late.  She begins by asking why so much has gone wrong on his watch.  Hey, maybe she should try dealing with all the broads Peter has to!  When the Heartless One gets around to Peter's "convict wife", Peter breaks out and warns her to lay off.  But she's got a point there about having a murderer on the board of the Children's Foundation.  When Peter's threats of a libel suit fall short, he angrily resigns to the dismay of Michael and the joy of the Board.  You know it's sad, because we got ourselves a doctor chick who can out-Amanda Amanda and here we are terminating the show.  Tsk tsk.

Back at Burns-Fork ranch, Eve and her potential buyer Mr. Stone sit at the diner counter pondering a deal.  Stone relays his vision of cattle grazing on the land.  I more likely imagine a hazardous waste dump.  Eve wavers on the given sum, saying the land is worth at least 70 grand.  Asked if she has a buyer, she gutsily claims that he's sitting right at the counter.  Stone hesitates at first, then agrees to the deal.  Smart guy - doesn't even ask who the other buyer was?!?  But wait.  As Eve looks outside, she sees Stone talking to a guy in a van identified as some kind of a geological survey company.  Eve looks panicked as she silently tries to sound out the word "geological".

Chris Issak is the musical guest today, and he's annoying the hell out of me. Only 7 more weeks of this.  Michael walks into the Upstairs and offers Megan a drink.  She passes.  Mike runs into Lexi, who explains why Megan's so sad.  Mike says this could be his chance to get back in with Megan because "timing is everything".  Tell that to the writers!!  Lexi explains that Ryan is in fact HER "scientifically-proven" Mr. Right, who, incidentally is commitment-phobic according to his three ex-fiancees.  But Lexi knows the two still have the hots for each other which, naturally, is all that's needed for a long, happy, successful marriage, right?. Michael, ever the overconfident one, believes he can win back Megan but Lexi isn't so sure. She wants to conspire with Michael to keep Megan away from Ryan but Michael insists he go it alone.

The little Ryanette has learned to use the phone.  She calls her daddy to say she loves him.  She wants him to come see her. Enter Aunt Darth Terry, taking the phone from her.  She chastises Ryan for contacting his daughter at such a late hour. Wet Lips hits a nerve when he says that her sister would never have wanted the demon-child to be kept from Ryan. And, if this is the case, why doesn't he have custody of the little rugrat in the first place? Aunt Terry gets angry at the mention of her crispy-critter sis and hangs up.

Now we are getting into folly again.  Kyle, obviously a follower of the world of virtual reality, has a projector and is viewing a beach footage on the front wall, complete with waves, birds, sound, etcetera.  Just to keep the spirit alive I guess.  He thanks Amanda for all she's done for him and tosses her another trinket, a silver chain that's supposed to "remind her of him every time she touches it."  Great.  He obviously missed the episode where Amanda made fun of Alison's first engagement ring from Billy. Apparently she's forgotten that too as she delightedly joins Kyle on the couch for a little action.

Peter arrives home from his little impeachment to find Eve.  After complaining, he asks her how the land sale went.  She tells him she decided to lease it instead.  A teed-off Peter (no pun intented) reminds her that he wanted to get rid of the land, remember?  But, alas she got a better deal!  How good?  "How's this check for five million dollars look, Peter??" the Jailbird croons.  Apparently Eve, despite the fact she's unable to match her own clothes, figured out the geological surveyor outside the diner had been eyeing Peter's land and Mr. Stone was the evil profiteering middleman whom she cut out of the deal. "We're rich and sitting on black gold, baby! Texas Tea! Just ask Jethro!" After Eve reveals that this check is only the first, Peter is ecstatic.

Back in the land of people who work to earn millions of dollars, Kyle enters Amanda's office to witness her dishing out orders to her subordinates.  She has completely forgotten about lunch, which won't be possible now.  Plus Ryan is late again.  As she apologizes to Kyle, her secretary is ominously eavesdropping in the doorway.  The Queen shooshes her.  I get the feeling this may play a role in something.  Amanda reminds Kyle that when "you take me, you take the whole package", work and all.  Kyle, who is rapidly taking over Billy's role of "Boy With No Spine", concedes and they kiss.

At a restaurant, Peter tells Eve that his father began to hate him after his mother died.  Most of us fans hated Peter right from the start.  Eve says sometimes people find it hard to show their love for someone in person.  Never mind this, what are "we" gonna do with the dough, says Eve.  She can't believe she's gone from prison to Boardwalk/Park Place "without passing go".  He plans out his future out loud, which includes Europe and lots of golfing.  Then Louis trots in, in a congratulatory mode.  He relays to Peter the news of the impending protest from the hospital workers.  Peter, of course, is resigning, so this means diddly to him.  Louis tells him he should stay on because being a doctor is what Peter loves, especially if surgical procedures using writing utensils are involved. Dr. Puddles reminds Peter about "all those lottery winners whose lives went south after the money was spent". Seeing the reason in this, Eve urges Peter to reconsider.

Back to Chris Issak, singing about "one more chance".  Michael has a bunch of protestors with him, who he's encouraging to go out and do a good job while he hits the bar.  "Some altruism," jokes Megan. She asks why he wanted to meet her so Michael explains how he wants to cheer her up over her loss of Ryan. "Thanks for caring", Megan DimWit replies. Has she learned nothing? Michael tells her how he never got over her which explains why he turned her down shortly after reuniting with Jane, right? He continues that his failure to reunite with Megan was a result of incessant "bad timing". Michael insists he's not trying to seduce her which, as everyone knows, is the first thing he says when he's trying to get a woman into bed. Megan resists first mentally, then physically - right down on the floor at Lexi's feet. How symbolic! And, yes, he's ready to conspire now.

At the protest, the workers chant as the Evil Dr. Schulman threatens them via megaphone to return to their jobs or face disciplinary action.  This lady won't last a minute in New York, where you gotta side with the pseudo-socialists to look "compassionate".  As Peter steps in to confront her, she calls him a non-entity since he has already resigned.  At this Peter walks onstage and rips up his resignation, claiming his intent to stay and focus his attention on fixing up this hospital.  "I'm not leaving until we fix up this place! Better pay! Better hours! Better storylines for everyone!" Yay!!! The crowd loves him again.

We're on the basketball court but no one is shooting.  Ryan sits against the post as Kyle approaches him.  Doy Boy tries to comfort his brother over Megan, not knowing the mini-epic material that awaits him.  Wet Lips relays the story of how, when he was 18 and Kyle was away with dad, he fell in love with Kelly and got married and had a baby.  He then tells how they were driving and a deer came out of nowhere and caused Ryan to swerve into a tree.  Go to flashback mode.  Why the car is in flames is beyond me - maybe they hit Rudolph. Ryan rescues the baby first but fails to get Kelly out of the car before it explodes. Kudos to the makeup guy who made Ryan look 18 again. His guilt is tremendous for not saving his wife and how one manages to keep this from an entire family for years is beyond my comprehension, but pretend to believe. Ryan tells Kyle where his demon-child is and explains about the court fight. He then says Megan was the first time he felt the love he felt for Kelly. However, he could not bear to tell his daughter this, fearful the demon-child would rip off his head and spit down his neck. Besides, he promised the little brat he'd never get remarried. The two brothers cry in slow motion but, surprisingly, the Chris Isaak music is nowhere to be found.

--written by Ken and Anthony, edited by Ellen and Stacie

7 EPISODES LEFT! A suave, older fellow wants to buy the complex from Amanda; the demon-child gets a visit from Lexi posing as Megan; a strange dude seduces a more-than-willing Jane; the suave guy tells a mystery person in a limo, "It's done - the building is yours."