Over at the nearby playground, the Morons McBride are hanging around and having an emotional conversation from the heart, as we know all heterosexual males like to do. Wet Lips whines to G.I. D'oh that the Queen shouldn't have offered Megan a job at AWA. D'oh, in his MARINES shirt, advises his "bro" to tell Megan the truth about his daughter and be open with her about his feelings. He gives Wet Lips a sad look, obviously recalling when he hurled his wife through a plate glass window, causing her to miscarry his spawn. "Don't keep secrets," he sagely suggests. "Don't touch those!" I angrily growl as my puppy comes too close to the bowl of Tums from which I steadily feast. D'oh walks away just as Michael arrives, all eager and dorky looking. "How about some one-on-one? All I need to know is the house rules!" he chipperly chortles. "There's just one rule: no talking," responds the moist lipped wonder.

And then we get some commercials, including the now-not-squished-flat-by-a-train fake Christine speeding through town with two large bags of Taco Bell deliciousness. She arrives home just in time to beat the tenacious pup, and we are treated to Ricardo Montalban greeting us as he used to in the days of Fantasy Island. And that reminds me of when I was just a youngster with nothing better to do on a Saturday night than sit on the couch and watch the Love Boat/Fantasy Island two hour brain drain starring sorry TV and movie has-beens who had nothing better to do than star in cheesy TV shows. Now, all the has-been just star on those damn Old Navy commercials. Life was so much better to the has-beens in the 70's, ya know? Then we get that damn Pepsi commercial with that damn lip-synching girl who annoys the crap out of me.

And then I finally heave a sigh of relief to see that the commercials are over, but I sigh too soon, cuz soon I am greedily chomping away with renewed vigor at my Melrose Mints. Does anyone remember that ghastly scene a few seasons back when Billy was acting all macho and badass after Brooke died and, one morning after successfully seducing Alison, he saunters into his bedroom with a rose in his teeth claiming to be Rudolph Valentino, thus causing both Alison and half the Melrose-viewing public to involuntarily empty their stomachs? And remember how you thought that nothing on Melrose -- not even the sight of a naked Richard in bed with Jo -- would ever make you that nauseated again? Well prepare yourselves as what follows is unbelievably even worse...

Instead of the usual montage of random LA shots accompanying the opening music by an unknown band while the opening credits tell us that Alexandra Paul is still with us, we are instead forced to watch as Dr. Love and his Jailbird wife roll around in bed naked feasting on one another with the window open and the curtains flapping in the breeze. Can you say exhibitionism much? I guess it's supposed to be a romantic scene, but it's just so ghastly, and they keep focusing in on Eve's ENORMOUS diamond and her very uneven lengthed fingernails and Peter's wedding ring, and it's just so so wrong. I try to look away, but their gray geometrically patterned sheets make my eyes go buggy, but then they stop the slurping and begin yapping at each other. "I can't get enough of you," Peter sappily says. "It's like a honeymoon that won't end," Eve affably agrees. They begin talking money, and Peter comes up with the brilliant idea to put the money away, not touch it, and keep on with their lives as usual. Um, excuse me? What kind of idiots would keep throwing money away on rent when they could actually be earning some equity on a home? Ooops, sorry. Using logic again. Eve tells Peter that for two million dollars he can have her again, and I just wonder when she consulted Megan about the going rate for hookers, cuz that seems mighty high, but instead, Peter breathily responds with "You're worth it," and I avert my eyes as the slobbering recommences.

At AWA, Megan is settling in quickly. The Queen demands that Megan tell her the names of all of Lexi's clients who are currently unhappy with the service they are getting from Sterling/Conway. Our Ever Ethical Hooker with the Heart of Gold feels uncomfortable about this, and she changes the subject. "Where did you send Ryan on business?" she pries. "I didn't. He took personal days," the Queen tells her. Amanda goes on to inform Megan that she will tolerate no interpersonal relationships in the office. Hmmm. I guess she changed the rules since she and Billy were a thing, eh? She shoves Ryan and Megan in a conference room and tells them to work things out. As she turns around she sees a gray-haired gentleman who introduces himself as Liebeman, someone who wants to buy the apartment complex at the asking price. He tells her that he loves the place and has no intention of tearing it down or displacing any of the tenants.

In the conference room, Wet Lips and Hooker Girl are discussing their professional attitude in the office, and we'll just leave it at that since my innards have been through enough already.

Back to Lieberman, he walks out to a limo, where we see him tell someone that "It's done. The building is yours," which we saw in a million commercials. Gosh, kids. Who do you think the owner could be?

At the Upstairs, Kyle is running around like the idiot that he is, all confused and busy. He all of a sudden can't manage his club on his own, and he asks Eve to help. Eve, with her back to the camera wearing white jeans that are giving her the most atomic wedgie I have seen in a long time, agrees.  Then Doy Boy gets a bright idea that he needs a partner, not just a manager, and he decides to sell part of the club to her. "30%? 40%? Whatever," he says. Wow. That's driving a hard bargain. I wonder if his wife, who owns half of the place herself, is going to be excited by his not consulting her. "Peter and I decided not to spend the money," Eve pouts. "You wouldn't be spending it; you'd be investing it," Kyle offers. "50%! I'm in!" Eve giggles. And these two wonder why they have problems in their marriages. Sheeesh.

Michael shows up at Ryan's with a six-pack of beer and a goofy grin. "Hey, neighbor! How ya doin?" he asks. Then he goes on to talk about how he knows that Lip Boy must be sad and lonely now after his breakup, which freaks out Ryan, causing him to get all droopy and ask "Do I look lonely?" Ryan takes a sip from his beer, moistening his already glistening lips. "Got any munchies?" Michael asks. I guess now these two are buds, and Ryan has forgotten all the bad blood between them. Wow. Anyway, Baby Lips trots off to the kitchen and shouts, "Tortilla chips." "Make sure they say low salt. And I like my chips in a bowl," Michael calls out, settling my tummy quite nicely. I have to say that I appreciate his character's existence, or my stomach would be in complete ulcerous ribbons. While Ryan pours the chips in a bowl, Michael drugs his beer. We see the Empress hiding outside, and then Michael flashes the lights in Ryan's apartment, and she comes in. Ryan is out cold on the couch, and our two detectives begin to toss the place. Michael comments that he knows the drug is effective because "Peter used it on [him] once. Knocked [him] out in three seconds flat." Gotta love the history among these people. Michael finds a plane ticket. Lexi finds a rental car map. Then they find the clue among clues: a visitor's pass for St. Agnes school. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door! It's Megan! Instead of just being quiet and ignoring it, Michael tries to rumple his shirt and act all drunk. She shoves a box of Ryan's things at him and storms out. Did I miss something? I thought they were getting along last episode. He chases after her, but she says, "I never loved you as much as I loved Ryan," deflating his poor ego. Meanwhile, Ryan is waking up, and the Empress takes this opportunity to straddle him. "I love you, Megan," Ryan mumbles. She jumps up, looks at a depressed Michael and says "Pack your bags; we're going to Poughkeepsie."

The Queen is reposing in a relaxing bubblebath while her minion gives her champagne. Amanda admits that although she's glad the sale will go through, she is "more attached to the place than [she] thought." Then she tells him that she's "always lived in rentals," and all I want to know is whether or not it's possible for the writers to keep any track of past events at ALL considering that she was married to Jack Parezi who was DAMN rich and I'm sure would never have lived in a "rental," so what the hell is that statement all about? Not to mention that we all know she grew up in a huge house with a fabulously wealthy family, but I guess she might mean "as an adult" so maybe I can cut a small slice of slack, but JUST a small one. Kyle tells her about the club, and her reaction is just as annoyed as we would expect. Kyle gets all snotty and tells her that she should call up her agent and go back on the deal on the complex if she's so set on keeping it. He snarls off in a huff and looks out over the pool. She comes up behind him and they snuggle and make up again. "Hold me; tell me we're doing the right thing," Amanda pleads, showing us that little girl squishy side. Whatever.

Lexi and Michael are in Poughkeepsie, where they have found out that no visitors except family or clergy are allowed at the school. They see a van with "St. Agnes School" painted on the side and lots of nun's habits and priest's garments inside. Hatching the obvious plan, the Empress comments that she's "always looked good in basic black."

At Wilshire Memorial, the Jailbird tells Peter about her purchase of half the club. He's about as thrilled with the news as Amanda was. Before they can really get into it, Irene Schulman arrives and begins to grill Peter about a petition that the nurses have signed. His name is on the top. He gets all Dudley Doorightish on her and says that he supports the nurses in their fight. She heaves a huge angry sigh, and we notice that her typically flyaway hair is quite smooth and neat tonight. Big thumbs up to the hair stylist! "There's something I've wanted to say to you," Eve says. When Schulman turns around, Eve backhands her. Bellowing about assault charges, Schulman leaves. Eve snickers and I just want to barf.

Amanda, Megan, and Ryan are sitting around AWA talking about Lexi's clients. Why Ryan is present is beyond me. Megan informs Amanda that Jacoby Toys is the least satisfied customer on the Sterling/Conway roster. This is a very confusing scene, because how Megan would know this is again, beyond me. Ryan makes a snide comment about Amanda's strategy of stealing Lexi's clients, calling it "bottom feeding" and "unethical." "Sleeping with Lexi was unethical AND bottom feeding!" retorts Megan. You go, girl! She continues, telling him that he has issues with "keeping [his] manhood in [his] pants." Ouch.

Jane tells Amanda that she has an idea for a new account. There's this guy who runs Madison Galleries who converts old churches into art galleries. He doesn't have an ad agency and he really doesn't advertise. Hmmm. Wonder how Jane heard of him, then. Amanda praises her initiative and tells her to make a cold call. Jane is nervous but agrees.

The Empress and Michael are dressed as a nun and priest respectively. And I have to say that in my many years of Catholic school, I never saw a nun with anywhere near as much makeup as Lexi is wearing, but I guess since Vatican II, things are a bit more laid back, so to speak. They play hooky instead of going to Mass and bump into a gardener. They ask him if there is anyone there with the name McBride. "Sarah McBride," he says, pointing toward a teacher and a group of girls. They thank him and walk toward the group. "Sarah McBride?" Lexi asks Terry. Terry tells them that she's Sarah's Aunt Terry. They give her some lame story about writing a story and wanting to ask Sarah some questions about her opinions of the school. Terry walks off, leaving them to talk to Sarah. They introduce themselves as Sister Alexandra and Father Michael, so I guess in the seventh to last episode we finally find out what "Lexi" is short for. Thanks, guys. Sarah chats with them, telling them that she's been there for four years, ever since her Aunt Terry got a job there. She skips off, and Lexi gasps, "Holy Mother of Pearl; Ryan's got a kid."

Okay, now I am giving you fair warning, so you can't blame me if you regret reading this paragraph. If you have a weak stomach, please skip to the next paragraph. Really. This is your last chance. Still with me? Okay. Take a deep breath. Jane walks into a converted church/gallery. "Sorry, we're not open," a voice says. She sees a man standing there and gets the most frightening lovesick look on her face that is truly as if she watched old episodes of The Monkees and tried to emulate the look that Davy Jones would get when he would see a pretty girl and get all mushy and have that fake twinkly star appear in the corner of one eye. He introduces himself as Jim Rogers, and she keeps staring at him with that glazed look in her eyes and a open mouthed smile like a deer caught in the headlights and it makes me wonder what excellent prescription drugs she is on, and how can I get some, PLEASE? Jane complains that he didn't return her calls and tells him she already has great advertising ideas for his galleries since she obviously has nothing better to do than think up great advertisements for clients who don't even exist yet and if they're anything like her "Brown Is The New Black" fashion nightmares, this guy should run screaming from the building like his hair is on fire. But I digress. Jane continues that the ads would be "luring them through that door" and uses big words like "enticing", "religious" and "Zen-like". Taking Jane's hand, the creepy artist gushes, "An artist's hands. An artist's eyes." He asks her why she thinks that artists must create art. Because they don't know how to dress and need money to eat? "Passion for art. A need for expression," she responds, not taking her glowy dazed eyes off this really not better than average looking guy. "Loneliness," he says. "Really?" she asks. "Are you lonely, Jane?" he asks. "Sometimes," she replies. "Me, too," he confides. "Are you seducing me?" Jane asks. "Are you trying to make me lose my dinner?!?" I interject. "You seduced me the moment you walked in the door," he insists. They fall into each other's arms and begin tonsil wrestling and rolling around against the wall against a large canvas covered in wet paint that's supposed to be all artsy fartsy new agey but really looks more like the result of some Ritalin-deprived eight year old stomping on multiple packs of ketchup and mustard while someone else held the canvas nearby (shoutout to JEN!) After ensuring they are each bathed in paint, they slither to the floor and we are released from this horror as we go to commercial.

Back at the St. Agnes Boarding School and Penitentiary, "Sister Lexi" sneaks into Sarah's room and wakes up the demon-child. Lexi reveals that she is not a nun, but cheerfully says it was the only way that she could meet Sarah: "I love your daddy very much." Sarah understandably asks, "You're Megan? Daddy said you were beautiful!" "Yeah, well, I work out," says Lexi, who doesn't correct Sarah's mistake. "My daddy also said you had dark roots." "It's a common thing, sugah." Lexi adds, "Your daddy won't marry me or anyone because of a promise to you." Sarah mopes, "It's not a promise. It's just the way he is. My daddy's all messed up in the head." This little brat's a liar! She said just last week that it was a promise! Lexi swears that Ryan won't love Sarah any less if he and Lexi marry, "and ah promise that once we get married, you'll see him more than evah." The Empress is afraid of being spotted by the rigid nun security, so she says goodbye to Sarah, who now thinks about what a nice person "Megan" is!

Over at the Amanda Woodward Advertising ("We Whip Your Ads Into Shape"), Clueless Lewis is still complaining out loud about Wet Lips! "Ryan was such a different man when he came back from New York, talking about strange things ... Amanda, what's a bagel?" The angry Queen says to her, "Foolish wench! I ordered you to stop your whining about him! You should be like Jane over there: She landed the studly Mr. Rogers without falling in love with him or having sex with him." Megan says, "Where, Mistress Amanda? I don't see Jane. All I see is this walking Impressionist painting ... oh, there she is! I was staring at Jane's back!" Amanda tells her to nab the Jacoby Toys account -- even though Lexi has already made a deal with that company.

Across the hallway, a turpentine-soaked Jane meets with Jim Rogers in the conference room. The nutjob artist dreamily says, "Last night was incredible for me ... I was dizzy, and colors flew before my eyes!" "Uh, Jim, that's because we were rolling on wet paint." "You're so smart. I love you, Jane. Will you marry me?" Jane's eyes widen as though she's just been told that Lisa Rinna won the Oscar for Best Actress! She thinks that Vincent Van Gone here may be moving just a tad too quickly, and she says so. Undeterred, Jim says, "I thrive on impulse, Jane. Just yesterday I slammed my head against a cinderblock just to see what it would feel like. Will you at least consider a relationship with me?" She hesitatingly agrees. He says, "Great! So, dinner tonight? I'll come by your place!" He does a drive-by kissing, then moves past the stunned Jane.

Over at Wilshire Memorial, the ultra-anal Dr. Shulman again addresses the board, which is growing weary of her high-intensity griping. "And another thing," she says, "orderlies can no longer have facial hair -- and that goes for the men, too!" The only board member with dialogue, Joseph Campanella, says, "I swear, Dr. Shulman, your ass is wound so tight that if you ever relaxed for a minute, your butt would blast you to the moon." Peter then walks in, much to Shulman's annoyance, and he says, "I've spent the past few hours in negotiation with your bosses. I just bought the hospital!" Shulman reacts with horror and disbelief, and Peter smugly says that he's come into "some money" lately. Turning the screws even tighter, he tells Shulman, "Everyone who works here will have the right to buy shares. From now on, this will be an employee-run hospital." Shulman reels! Campanella says, "So ends your reign of terror, Dr. Shulman." Hey, buddy, if you really didn't like her, you could have silenced Dr. Constriction much earlier!

A cocky Peter walks into his office and is followed by Shulman, who realizes she's kaput. To her surprise, though, the bizarre Dr. Burns says, "Actually, Irene, $200,000 buys you a place on the board." He wants her to stick around, because of her dissenting opinions! He says she'd "keep me on my toes." Shulman, who until now has considered Peter a scum-sucking, lying, backstabbing, lecherous buffoon, does a complete turnaround and compliments him! "Money usually corrupts people, but I think it's made you a better man." (Well, I guess I'd call my worst enemy a "better man" if he let me keep my job -- but not at the cost of 200 grand!) Peter thinks, "She wants me."

Jane prepares for her evening out with the Impressionist idiot, Jim Rogers. He shows up at the beach house and says cheerfully, "I've decided to paint a portrait of your house, Jane. One day it'll be blue; the next day, I'll paint the same exact thing, only it'll be green. Isn't that artistic?" Jane notices that he's bought a bag full of clothes. When she asks, he matter-of-factly says, "Well, since I'm staying here..." Jane gasps, "You're moving in?! No, no, no, no..." "Sure, Jane, you jump in with both feet, that's how it's done." I think this guy has jumped in head first more often, if you get my drift. Jane tells him to chill out. "My divorce isn't even final yet. And I can't marry someone who's been around for half an hour -- I need at least two weeks for that!" Jim mopes: "I guess I let my feelings carry me away." He grabs his stuff and leaves, saying, "I'll call you tomorrow to plot a new course." Set sail for oblivion!

Megan puts on the Sydney Andrews Memorial Ninja-Wannabe Turtleneck, as she sneaks into Lexi's office to swipe the Jacoby Toys account. [Lessons from Melrose Place, #165: Feel free to wear nothing but black clothes when you walk into buildings late at night. Not only will the security guards not stop you, but they'll even forget to check your ID.] She's having no luck breaking into Lexi's locked cabinet. She hears a noise and quickly steps out of the office -- just in time to see two office dweebs come out of the conference room after doing their best impersonation of Jake and Amanda, circa Season 2. Terrified that Lexi will punish them for having sex in the office (hey, it never bothered her!), they plead with Megan not to say anything: "We'll do anything you want!" Megan mischievously says, "Anything?"

Later, Amanda, Eve, Peter, and all the other residents of Melrose Place gather in the courtyard that evening, in response to a written announcement that the complex's new owner would greet them. In strolls Lexi! Amanda tells her to vamoose, but Lexi declares that she's the new owner! Amanda, stunned, claims it was an older man who bought the place, but Lexi says that he was only the middleman. No one seems happy about this news, even when Lexi announces she's cutting all the rents in half! "Now ah just have to figure out which apartment ah'll move into." "Take mine," says Amanda. "If you're moving in, I'm moving out!" "Good," replies Lexi coolly, "it saves me the trouble of tripling your rent." Amanda lunges at her, but Michael holds her back. "Ah want you out in 30 days," says Lexi. Amanda spits, "I'll be out in 30 minutes!" Everyone else is disgusted, and they just wander back to their pads and a lone Lexi calls out, "I'm going to liven this place up. We'll have pool parties, barbecues, archery catching ... really!" But there's no one left. Awww, poor Lexi. She sniffs, "So. It doesn't matter. It's mine. All mine. Waah."

The next day, at Kyle's Restaurant, Megan is just concluding a successful business meal with the Jacoby Toys folks. Lexi runs in and yells, "You thieving whore! Those are my clients!" Not anymore! The toy guys say they've just signed with Amanda's agency! "Contracts, schmontracts -- who needs 'em? We can break them any old time!" Lexi tries to attack Megan, but Michael appears conveniently out of nowhere to restrain her. (Two lunge preventions in one day! Not bad!) Michael drags Lexi out and immediately congratulates himself on being the white knight for Megan. Lexi is less impressed! She really wanted to throttle Megan for stealing her clients. Michael beams with pride when he hears about Megan's actions. "Oh, that's right," snorts Lexi. "You're attracted to deceit." Lexi realizes that she and Michael have to stick to the long-term game plan, but she says, "Tell Megan that if she breaks in again, I'll press charges." The Empress storms away, just as Megan comes outside to thank Michael for helping out. Thrilled by her victory over Lexi, she says, "I feel like celebrating!" "Well, you can't do that alone," says Michael. Megan coyly encourages him to join her at the bar, but she reminds him that she doesn't hold liquor well and says, "No sex on the rooftop." Michael replies, "Cross my heart ... and hope to get lucky." You've got to love this guy!

The Morons McBride prepare to play on the basketball court, and Kyle says he and Amanda are going to stay at Jane's place until the dream house is finished. (In Melrosian time, that should only be about three weeks.) Ryan then shows Kyle a letter he just received from his daughter Sarah, saying that she wants him to marry Megan! (Oops! This was not in the Empress' grand plan. And just how did Sarah send this letter so quickly? Does the convent have a FedEx account?) Ryan says he's confused, which makes sense, since the combined IQ on that court is about equal to a comatose raccoon. Kyle thinks this is good news, and he suggests that Ryan go for it.

Amanda, almost true to her word, has the last of her and Kyle's stuff taken out by the movers that morning. She pauses to take a last, sad look around the now-bare apartment. A triumphant Lexi stands in the doorway. After Amanda makes a snide comment, Lexi cheerfully accuses the Queen of being a sore loser. But Amanda gets in the best dig of the day: "No matter what you do or how hard you try, Lexi, you'll never be me. You'll always be a distant second." Amanda leaves. Yeah! Stick her where it hurts!

Later, we see that Amanda's mood hasn't improved at the beach house. She comes out of the shower, complaining to Jane that she ran out of hot water. "How can I practice scalding my disobedient slaves if I don't have hot water?!" Jane says that's something else for Kyle the Handyman to fix. Amanda then answers her ringing cel phone. Guess what? Mr. Rogers has trashed the neighborhood! Jim has decided not to use Amanda's agency. Jane rolls her eyes, "I knew this would happen." Amanda, ever the unhappy taskmaster, says it was Jane's duty to dump this guy after he sealed the deal: "You do whatever it takes to get him to sign." Hey, what's the big deal about signing contracts, anyway? Jane tries to say that Jim was a major weirdo, but Amanda won't hear excuses, calling Jane an empty-headed fool. Kyle, who entered toward the end of this, is a little repulsed by Amanda's logic and tries to defend Jane: "Well, if the guy's a jerk..." "Silence, traitorous husband-slave! You don't know what you're talking about, and neither do you, Jane! Now I'm going to blow-dry my hair until it screams for mercy!" Kyle follows her into the back, trying to find out why she's so upset (it's because she lost Melrose to Lexi, you moron!), but the Queen has little patience for him. Kyle retreats to the patio, where a depressed Jane looks toward the ocean. Jane says Amanda is absolutely right -- you have to be a treacherous, deceitful person to succeed. (I thought that was a job qualification for the hospital?) "Advertising is manipulative," she says. "Roger that," says Kyle. "Why, just the other day, I watched the premiere of Family Guy on Fox, but it was the same damn thing they showed after the Super Bowl! Now that's manipulative!" Kyle does agree, sadly, that this suits Amanda perfectly. Jane asks, "Aren't you worried that you'll never measure up?" "Every day." "How do you deal?" "I just deal with it day by day. Also, having my dummy younger brother around often makes me look good by comparison."

As for Wet Lips, he walks across the courtyard to Megan's place and knocks on the door. Megan answers, wearing her robe and looking a little flushed. He says he wants to talk to her for a bit. (Lexi, who probably has 24-hour surveillance of all the apartments now, sees this from her window.) Megan thinks this is about the work environment, but we know that the doofus is working up toward another proposal. Ryan notices that Megan seems really anxious, so he marches off toward her bedroom before she can stop him. He sees the sheets, then turns and opens the closet door -- behind which stands an embarrassed (and bare-assed) Michael! Tsk tsk, Megan! She stares wide-eyed at Ryan, while Lexi appears -- for no reason -- in the bedroom doorway behind her. Fade out. Grab the Tums.

--written by zinc and Ken, edited by Stacie

Six episodes left! Eve tells a concerned Amanda that she should stop worrying about Kyle -- who is about to kiss Jane! Megan drops a vase on Ryan's head, and Amanda may have to try out her "sex until they sign" policy, if guest star James Darren has his way.