But that's nothing compared to the tummyache Ryan's facing as, three thousand miles away, Terri chews him out for upsetting Sarah and inciting her to run off. Lexi tries to stick up for him but is interrupted by Michael calling her cell phone to let her know the jig's up. Both Terri and Ryan want to talk to Sarah, but Ryan gets first dibs. He wastes his chance to have an interesting conversation by asking why she ran away - in my eyes, the most interesting question is HOW she got all the way to Melrose Place with no visible credit cards or maps, but that's what I get for thinking. Ryan asks Megan to take the demon-child over to Uncle Kyle's so she won't be exposed to Michael's corrupting influence, but this kid seems pretty shrewd already, and I wouldn't necessarily worry about that. After hanging up, Ryan continues to argue with Terri. Lexi sensibly (!) points out that the important thing is that Sarah's okay, but Terri says she won't rest until she knows that Sarah's "back here where she belongs." Ryan announces that where his little Demonia belongs is open for debate in his mind because, after all, there does appear to be a lot of space up there. Terri interprets this as a threat for a custody battle as Ryan and Mood Hair stalk out past the nuns. Lexi wants to speculate about what Terri may have said to frighten Sarah, but Ryan's mind is elsewhere. "I know you're up to your butt in all this," he informs her ominously before leaving her looking stunned in the hallway. She's obviously as surprised as I am -- who knew Wet Lips and his Spam-equivalent IQ had it in him?

Through the miracle of television, we are whisked back to the beach house, home of Jane "Treat Me Like A Doormat" Mancini, Amanda "OK, I Will Treat You Like A Doormat" Woodward and Kyle "What's A Doormat?" McBride. The Queen comes home to find Jane and Kyle opening the fold-out couch. Immediately suspicious, she makes some snide comments until Demonia comes out to meet her Aunt Amanda (snicker). Amanda pretends like she knew about Sarah all along and challenges her to a contest to see who can fall asleep first. (No contest - it's me.) Sarah wants Uncle Kyle to say her prayers with her, completely oblivious to the fact that he barely has his full name committed to memory, much less "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep". Still, he and Jane perch on the edge of Sarah's bed and recite the prayer while Amanda, shocked either by the realization it's taken 7 years to introduce the concept of God to this show or by the childless tableau that is her own life, watches with a frozen expression on her face.

Where do they consistently get such dreadful music for the opening credits week after week? No matter. The first thing we see after the music fades is - Pool Boy! Hooray! Unfortunately, then we have to deal with Peter and Eve drinking coffee and talking about how Eve is - ahem - "entertaining" Tony Marlin for Amanda. Peter is concerned but announces that he's not going to say anything so as to avoid an argument. Real smooth, Pete. The Jailbird reminds him that she's now Amanda's "Personal Entertainment Consultant", but to me it seems more like she's Amanda's one-woman escort service. Peter and I are thinking the same thing, although he uses he word "concubine", and he warns Eve that Amanda uses people to get ahead, especially in business. Eve assures him she won't get hurt, which lets us all know that this will end badly. Peter opens up the newspaper to drop two tickets to Maui in Eve's lap, and the lovebirds smooch. End of problem.

Michael and Megan are leaving their apartments at the same time, and although he tries unsuccessfully to sneak by her she corners him and demands an explanation for why Sarah knows him from New York. Michael blames Lexi for everything, which should surprise no one, and the next thing we see is the Empress telling Ryan the whole story as they fly back home. Cut back to Michael, continuing to blame Lexi, and then back to Lexi, and...oh, hell, this is too confusing to do this way. Simultaneously, Michael tells Megan the story of what went into hers and Ryan's breakup (blaming Lexi for most of the mess) as, on the plane, Lexi tells Ryan about her matchmaking venture, her meeting with his ex-fiancees, and how she and Michael broke into his apartment and dressed up as a nun and priest respectively to get access to the convent. Megan announces that she's ready to strangle Michael (don't announce, honey - just do), and Ryan tells Lexi that she's lucky the windows on the plane don't open. Ryan and Megan realize each other's pain, and the scene ends with the two of them saying "Poor Megan." "Poor Ryan." as Michael, Lexi, and I look nauseated.

Eve is having a late breakfast with the charmer, Tony Marlin, as Amanda watches from behind a potted plant. Eve is prattling on about how she got started on her illustrious singing career, which obviously has made all the difference in her life. Tony tells her that he did some checking and therefore knows all about her, including her time in the Big House. Eve is shocked, but Tony assures her that he still finds her impressive and all I want to know is when the writers are going to introduce a weak storyline (like the one about Bobby and Sydney getting tattoos to "show their love for one another" just so John Enos could wear short sleeves) to explain the tattoo on Eve's arm that looks more like something done with a Bic pen and a needle while she was in prison by someone named Bertha who wanted everyone to know Eve was her "bitch". But, again, I digress. Enter the Queen, apologizing for being late, but Tony is leaving, which should tell Amanda that pretending to be late will get her nowhere in the business world. She tells him that the commercial is coming along well and that she has an "incredible casting suggestion" for him. After Tony leaves, Amanda praises Eve for her "good work" and tells her that she wants Eve to be the star of the commercial. "I can't act," protests Eve, and I would just like to point out that she said it, not me. Amanda tries to convince her that all she's asking for is one week out of Eve's life, which again lets us know that this is going to be a huge deal somewhere down the road. They make fun of Kathie Lee Gifford as the scene ends.

Back at the shore, Megan, Jane, Sarah, and Kyle are playing on the beach as Megan goes back to the house to get a blanket and instead finds Ryan. They make some awkward small talk until Ryan apologizes. Megan tells him that she considers him to be the victim of Lexi's and Michael's scheme, but before they can get to any real making up the demon-child spots him, and he goes to hug her as Megan smiles beatifically at them. The really interesting part of this scene involves Jane and Kyle wrestling around in the sand in the background as Ryan and Sarah begin a game of Frisbee.

Michael pays a visit to Lexi in her new place, which is actually Amanda's old place while Amanda and Kyle are staying at Jane's place while Kyle builds their new place. Got all that? "It looks like a brothel in here," complains Michael. "You would know," retorts Lexi. Actually, I think Michael's right, on several levels. The place is the same shade of red as Lexi's mood hair on a good day so let's hope she doesn't get in a good mood anytime too soon lest she get lost in her own apartment. Michael and Lexi fuss about whether or not to abandon their plans to win back Megan and Ryan. Michael seems to think that Sarah will be an additional complication, but Lexi says that Sarah is actually the solution to their problems and will be instrumental in getting Ryan to marry her. Can't wait to see how this goes. Can someone remind me where Lexi's money comes from?

Amanda is working late at AWA when Kyle sneaks in with fun stories about his day at the beach and chastises her for missing a good dinner. Amanda is having her own fun day, going through her personnel files figuring out whom to fire so she'll have enough money to shoot Tony Marlin's commercial, and one of the people on the list is Jane, who much to my surprise is considered to be financially solvent right now. When did this happen? Kyle is stunned that Amanda would consider letting Jane go. Actually, I'm kinda surprised that she wants to fire Jane but keep the talentless, bar-owning, millionaire, doctor's wife, singing sensation that is Eve Cleary. At least Jane can draw. "She's your friend," Doy Boy points out about Jane. "We're staying at her beach house rent-free and besides all that, she's really my wife and guess what -- we're pregnant!" Amanda tells him that she's aware of that, but Kyle has already launched into a diatribe about how Amanda needs to focus more on friendship and loyalty and less on the bottom line. Amanda can't understand why Kyle's so upset about Jane being fired. "You'd think she was your mother, or your wife, or your lover," she says, and all I can say is, Careful there, Amanda. They argue about this very briefly before Kyle announces that if she lets Jane go, the two of them are through. So much for that "Nothing will ever come between us again" business from a few weeks ago.

Ah, the pool. The beautiful pool. Upstairs in his apartment, Wet Lips is telling Demonia to wear sunblock and she whines about how she has on so much sunblock she'll never get a tan and the pitch of her voice is at such an annoying level at this point that I can hear neighborhood dogs howling. Sarah goes on to proudly inform her father how she got to LA by cashing in all Terri's Frequent Flyer miles. This still doesn't answer all of my questions, but all right. There's a knock at the door, and Ryan is delivered an envelope which of course contains a court order demanding that he return Sarah to Terri immediately. Sarah doesn't like this idea. "They can't make me go back...can they?" she asks with a trembling lip as Ryan tries to reassure her.

At AWA, Office Girl Extra #412 is passing out copies of a memo to all the employees and no one looks very happy, especially Jane. The Queen emerges from her lair to announce that the company is downsizing and if your name isn't on the list, pack your things and find someone else who will pay you to worship them. After realizing Jane's name is on the list, Ryan, Megan and Jane form an impromptu "CoDependents Anonymous" meeting on the spot with each of them citing reasons about who deserves more to be fired. Jane sucks it up and leaves but runs into Amanda on her way out. The Queen tells Jane that it's "nothing personal" but Jane doesn't buy it. "Of course it is, and you you and I both know it," she snaps as she storms out.

For some reason, Sarah's hanging around the construction site unattended, making herself easy pickings for sleazy characters. To prove my point, here comes Lexi. "Remember me?" she asks with a fakey smile. "You're the one who pretended to be a nun, and pretended to be Megan. Who are you pretending to be today?" replies Demonia. Lexi is a bit taken aback by this, but here comes Kyle to save the day. The Empress tries to bribe Sarah with a trip to Disneyland, but Sarah tells her she's rather spend time with her dad, Uncle Kyle, and "the real Megan." As I snort my Diet Coke up my nose, Lexi looks even more taken aback. Kyle suggests they go for a walk, leaving Sarah in her tank top with the heart on it like the character in the "Cathy" comic strip playing alone in the sand. Kyle gives Lexi the bum's rush and disregards her assertions that children love her. "Outside of Michael, what children do you know?" asks Kyle, causing Lexi to leave. Sarah runs up and wants to know just when Kyle's going to take her to Disneyland, and he tells her that first he's got some more hammering to do, because he hammers in the morning and hammers in the evening, all over this land.

Someone's pouring champagne, but not for me. It's Eve and she's all excited that she gets to star in the TeeVee commercial, but Peter's not as enthused. "I know what you're thinking - I owe this to Amanda for all she's done for me," Eve begins. Whatever gets you through the day, Eve. She reassures him that he will always come first, and they drink a toast to Maui and the cruise line. They too dis Kathie Lee Gifford as the scene ends.

Poor Sarah's stuck working late at AWA because Ryan's stuck trying to pick a song for the new commercial. We learn this because Sarah tells it to Megan, who comes waltzing in. Thanks, Sarah! I can't for the life of me understand why this kid would rather do this than snooker a trip to Disneyland out of Lexi. Megan goes into the conference room and helps Ryan out by finding a CD that she used to play when they, um, closed escrow. They fall into each other's arms and talk about how aroused the music makes them and hey people don't forget the c-h-i-l-d in the next room! Actually, the c-h-i-l-d is now in the same room, asking questions. Megan, embarrassed, runs out as Sarah informs Kyle that she learned all about this in her sex education class. I feel really old all of a sudden.

Michael is griping about something, as usual, and it turns out that he and Lexi are trying to build a dollhouse. Michael looks up the Mommy doll's skirt to make sure she's anatomically correct. We never learn the answer to that question, but the dolls do resemble Ryan, Sarah, and Lexi, and that's no coincidence. These two have a great future in play therapy. Lexi reminds Michael that if this works, he'll soon have his own dollhouse, "with a nice little blonde ex-hooker to go with it."

Somewhere a fire is burning. It's in the fireplace at the beach house, and good thing it's there because the temperature drops about 20 degrees when Amanda enters and she and Jane face off. Amanda says that they'll move out in the morning unless Jane wants them to go tonight. "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" asks Jane. "You'd like me to throw you out so you'd look like the victim and I'd look like the bitch." Amanda and Jane then argue about why Jane was fired and whether or not she should take it personally. Jane brings up Kyle. "That is why you fired me, because you're jealous of our relationship?" She and Amanda discuss the nuances of friendship versus relationship, and then Amanda utters the "I shouldn't just fire you, I should kick your ass" line we've been waiting for all week. Jane tells Amanda to take her best shot and then taunts her by expressing out loud Amanda's insecurities regarding her business and her marriage. "Kyle is mine," snarls Amanda. "You go near him, and I'll eat you alive." She slams out of the room as Jane, who's wearing a lot of lip gloss, stares determinedly into space.

Wet Lips walks alone on the beach the next morning, his eyes unfocusing in that odd way that can only mean ... flashback! (It's either that or an Andrew Shue impersonation.) Ryan thinks back to happier times with Megan, like when they made each other horny by discussing Christmas tree decorations. "Megan, your skin is as soft as tinsel." "Your lips are as sticky as tree sap." As his mind snaps back to TechniColor, his demon-child daughter Sarah stops her kite-flying and comments on his somber mood. She says, "You're funny. You love Megan. Megan loves you. What's the hell's your problem?" Ryan answers, "I just want to be sure"; he doesn't want to rush into a decision. When Chief Inspector Hellspawn gets her dad to uncomfortably admit that he knew her mom for a shorter time before then he's known Megan, she quips, "Lucky me." (What is it with this kid? She's in L.A. for 24 hours -- and the "frequent flyer" explanation is so bogus -- and already she's got the designer hairdo and the sitcom wisecracks!) She asks, "Is Megan a lot like Mom?" He compares the two, but he feels that Sarah is much more like her mom: "You say what you think, as opposed to me and your Uncle Kyle, who say without thinking." Sarah says she regrets the anti-marriage vow she enforced, but she confesses her fear that if he ever forgot about Mom, he'd eventually forget about her, too. Ryan says that'll never happen. Encouraging him to hook up with Megan, Demonia wraps it all up with another pun: "It's time to stop thinking and start proposing!" Again with the wisecracks! Burn the witch!

Nearby, at the beach house, Amanda greets Kyle: "Good morning. Sleep well? Here's some orange juice. And I fired Jane's bony ass!" They immediately argue about her motives and -- as is typical -- every argument ends with Amanda's threat to end the marriage! Sheesh, how did she deal with disagreements before she got married? Threaten to climb back into the womb? Kyle says they just can't give up on the relationship: "We fix it. We work on it. Wow, I guess marriage is like a carburetor." "Or," says the Queen darkly," we put it out of its misery." The debate continues into the driveway as Amanda gets in her car. Pointing at the house above them, she says, "Maybe your ideal woman is in that house." "You are my ideal woman, Amanda, and stop pointing at Mrs. Crabtree's home. Jane lives in the house behind us!" She coldly says, "I have too much ambition, and you can't deal with it. You can't keep up." She drives off, and an enraged Kyle picks up a small rock and flings it at the car ... incredibly breaking the back window! Call Mulder and Scully! Amanda keeps driving, obviously upset, as Kyle stares in disbelief and anger, and Jane looks down sadly.

What a lame development this is: After everything that Amanda and Kyle have been through in just over one year -- from the schemes of Lip Lass to the oily Eric Baines to the greasy paws of Rory -- it's hard to accept that it's all been for nothing. The writers knew long ago that this was the final season, so why not break them up months earlier and skip the whole pill-popping nonsense and the way-too-brief reconciliation?

Over at Ryan's pad, Sarah answers the door and greets Lexi, who comes up with another pathetic ploy to do the bonding thing. Every time Lexi suggests something like "Let's take a drive down Rodeo Drive" or "Let me show you where ah buy my trampy business clothes" Sarah turns her head and spits, "Ptui! I don't think so, you on-again off-again redhead." Lexi then tries to focus her attention on the doll house, but Demonia says, "Lexi, you don't have to do this." "Do what, sugah?" Sarah bluntly tells her that no matter how nice Lexi is to her, that won't change her dad's opinion of Megan. "She's the only one he ever talks about. From what I've seen, she's the one for him." Sarah shows a stubborn Lexi the door, but the Empress presses on! "How about lunch at Spago's? Tons of movie stars!" "Maybe some other time," she moans, rolling her eyes at Lexi's pathetic ploy. Poor Lexi -- she's now being upstaged by Punky Brewster.

At the Upstairs, the Jailbird finishes another song as Peter watches. As they come over to the bar, Kyle says he's made an offer to sell Eve the other 50 percent of the club. (Okay, so that now makes 100 percent of the club that Kyle is selling without Amanda's input. Communication, who needs it?) G.I. D'oh ducks Peter's questions about why he's giving it up. He leaves Eve and Peter time to think about it. As soon as Kyle departs, Eve gives Peter the completely unsurprisingly news that -- shock! -- the dates for the Maui trip conflict with the filming of the Tony Marlin ad on the cruise ship. Who could have guessed? Eve, completely reneging on her promise not to let business take priority, tells Peter that she can't ask Amanda to change the dates. A determined Peter says, "Well, I can! I can convince Amanda to change anything except those leopard-print sheets!"

He heads straight over to AWA, where Amanda is having yet another late-night meeting with this week's "Number One Account," Tony Marlin. Peter walks unannounced into the conference room and happily says, "Eve and I will be in Maui." Tony, who practically drools whenever Eve's name is mentioned, is annoyed and leaves this matter to Amanda to straighten out. The visibly ticked Queen yells, "Foolish ex-husband slave! I need your wench Eve to secure the account and to make my agency the top one on the West Coast!" "Yeah, yeah, we hear the same speech every other month, Amanda." Realizing he's getting nowhere, Peter says, "I'm asking you as a friend." "And if I say no, you'll hate me, just like Jane, just like Kyle. Well, I don't care. I just want to be left alone." Peter, stunned, asks her if she's split up with Kyle. "Yes, my marriage is over -- and I couldn't be happier. Look at me jump with joy. Woo hoo." Peter walks out, but not before giving her a final glance of pity. Amanda shrugs it off.

We return from the commercial break to be assaulted by another slow-motion sequence! AIIEEEE!! A lonely Kyle sits in the framework of his dream house. A lonely Jane flaps her arms at the beach, presumably hoping to catch up with the other migrating geese. A lonely Amanda sits sadly in her office throne, while attendants paint her toenails and color her roots. I, once again, become physically ill and must reach for the Melrose Mints as this continues.

Eve, who is still going on the Tony Marlin cruise, is packing some kinky lingerie that Peter had bought. When Peter sees this, he understandably gets annoyed, but Eve says she's doing it because she wants him to come with her. Peter stammers, "But you'll be working. What will I do?" Eve coos, "There are 24 hours in a day. I only work 8 of them." Peter does the math! Let the multiplication begin!

Down in the Kimberly Shaw Memorial Laundry Room, Michael and Lexi continue to bicker while loading clothes into the washers. Michael lambastes the Empress for her goofy and failing plans, and she mocks him for expecting better from Megan who is, in the Empress' eyes, "a slut." (This is like Hannibal Lector calling Wile E. Coyote "finicky.") They continue to argue ... while they strip off their clothes! Lexi conveniently puts a box of detergent atop the washer before she removes her bra. It's her laundry room now, so she can do what she wants! She and Michael suddenly stop arguing and start gyrating on the cold floor. I wonder if they're using "cling free" sheets.

Ryan and Megan sit at the airport while Demonia seeks out a candy bar and new victims to torment. The flight to New York will soon be boarding, but the clueless couple first want to make sure they avoid problems like the one they've just been through. Wet Lips promises that he'll never do anything to hurt Megan again. Because they're idiots, they accept that as a start. (Clueless Lewis seems to forget that Ryan's first two pulsating encounters with Lexi happened before Ryan remembered his promise to the demon-child. Translation: The guy is skanky, Megan!) Sarah returns, saying, "You wouldn't believe how much they charge for candy here! Of course, how would I know, having been locked up with a bunch of nuns all my life! Boy, I'm sassy! When do I get my spinoff?" She doesn't want to go back to New York, and Ryan tries to console her. Megan, forever the goof, says, "Oh, look at the two of you. I say if you're going to fight for custody, then fight it from here." Ryan, ignoring the fact that this would constitute kidnapping in any courtroom, agrees: "She's worth it, damn it." "Yeah," says the hellspawn, "I'm worth it, damn it! Give me a bicycle!" So back home they go, even though the evil ex-Baywatch sister-in-law does have custody of Sarah and could have Ryan's pretty-boy self tossed into the slammer for not returning her!

Amanda walks into the empty Upstairs. She pauses and her eyes stare into space -- yes, it's two flashbacks in less than half an hour! In black and white, she remembers when she and Kyle first agreed to be partners in the club. In present time, Kyle walks in and asks what she's doing here. They both apologize for the things they said and threw, but they realize that it's over between them. Kyle says, "Somewhere down the line, I lost you." "You lost the fantasy of me," says Amanda. Well, you both lost me! What in the name of Ricardo Montalban are they talking about? Must have Tums. Kyle tells her that he's offered the rest of the club to Eve, and that he'll use the money to buy the Queen's half of the dream house, which probably should be called Nightmare Castle by now. Amanda pleads, "Don't hate me." Why shouldn't he hate her? I'd even go up a notch or two to "despise." Unfortunately, Kyle is nice to her, and they agree to be friends -- and we all know how nice Amanda is to her friends! Is this a step up? I don't think so! She says, "I feel empty." "I know what you mean. My head is one big echo." She asks for forgiveness, which Kyle gives (wuss!), as they hug tearfully.

--written by Ellen and Ken, edited by Stacie

Four episodes left! Courtney Thorne-Smith shares her favorite Melrose moment. Who cares? Next time: Peter joins the cruise, and Tony Marlin isn't happy about it! Kyle and Jane ponder the future for them, and Lexi entices Tony, leaving him high and thigh!