You're back? Okay, let's begin. The episode begins with the lovely Queen and the conniving Tony Marlin (and I have to just interject here that having a guy who owns a cruise line with a fish name is pretty weak) toasting each other onboard the ship. He toasts the best cruise line, and she toasts the ad agency that can do it justice. We should toast the fact that Heather doesn't get more unflattering full-body profile shots like this one. Eat a steak, dammit! Tony's raging hormones scream out for the Jailbird, who appears on an upper deck with her snuggly-wuggly husband Peter. The sight of Peter tosses Tony into a frenzy. He whirls toward Amanda, growling, "When I'm in the sack with Eve, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder for her jealous husband!" Amanda says, "Well, yeah, you could hurt yourself twisting around like that!" The Queen of the Pimps assures him that she'll make sure that everything runs smoothly, and he'll have his greasy hands on her best ho in no time. You know, if this guy is so big, why doesn't he already have an ad agency? How did he promote his business before this? Supermarket flyers?

Then we see a lovely view of the Pool, conjuring up memories of Brooke's cranial clonk on the concrete. The camera guides us to Wet Baby Lips's apartment, where he is whining on the phone with Terri. He blithers that he didn't put Sarah on the plane because she didn't want to go. Hmmm. I never wanted to go to the pediatrician when I was a kid. I hated that guy in the lab who would stick a needle in my thumb to get a blood sample. And I hated my damn brothers who would go in there first and come out screaming that the guy was waiting for me in there with a jungle spear. I sure wish my parents had been reasonable like Ryan and let me dictate where I did and didn't go when I was only 10 years old. Anyway, Terri shouts, "Send her home now!" which is pretty odd, considering that you would think that Terri wouldn't want her young niece to fly alone, even though she managed to book a flight, get to the airport, fly alone, and find her way to Ryan's apartment all by herself. In the background, we see Megan tucking Sarah in, and the sweetness of this scene hurls me into diabetic shock. "We're gonna need a hell of a lawyer," Ryan says, hugging Megan. Now this occurs to him?

Over at the dreamhouse/charhouse/new-and-improved dreamhouse, G.I. D'oh sits in the open doorway of the construction office trailer. It's nice the way these construction companies let non-union labor join in on the worksite and then have the run of the place after hours. And what to our wondering eyes should appear but Jane. "This is nice," she says, looking at the skeleton of the building that doesn't really have any shape or form yet. "I thought you might want to talk," she adds, making me wonder what planet she's on where troubled heterosexual men want to sit and pour their souls out for nice little do-gooder women, and then I realize that I am watching Melrose and I reach into my snack bowl for some Melrose Mints. Gotta keep up with the calcium, ya know. "My marriage is over. Amanda and I are through," he unemotionally tells her, like a talking G.I. Joe toy that's stuck on one phrase. And let me just add right here that I completely and utterly oppose this entire storyline. Yes, they think that we will all get gushy and happy watching the "real life" couple get together onscreen, but I just don't buy it. The only way that I can possibly imagine Kyle and Jane getting together is at a much later date, which won't occur since the show was cancelled. So their getting together now either smacks of serious rebounding or of a quick end-of-the-series wrapup, which I find cheap and insulting. But that's just MY opinion. [Editor's note: It is cheap and insulting!] Anyway, so Jane tells him that Amanda blames Jane for breaking up the marriage. D'oh asks if there is anything between them, to which Jane responds, "You tell me." "I can't," he says, causing us to wonder if that's because he's truly not sure of his emotions yet or if he's lacking the electricity to fire up those two lonely brain cells residing in his near-empty brainpan. (Shoutout to BATTY!) Either way, I don't care. She leaves, and he leans up against the chain link fence, sliding down to the ground with a sigh.

And then we get our first round of commercials.

As the music plays and the credits run, we all chomp down handfuls of Tums in unison as we are treated to a Baywatch-esque montage of Hooker Girl and Satan Spawn having oh-so-much fun together bonding, riding bikes, swinging on a swingset, and then finally sitting on a park bench and playing cat's cradle with a multi-colored shoelace. Clueless Lewis holds up her bound fingers and says, "This is called 'bondage,' Sarah. When you're older, I'll teach you how to do this with leather." Sarah tells Megan that spending time with her father and Megan is just like being with a "real family." Yeah, a family that shares a total IQ of about 45. The hellspawn says she has withdrawn her demand that her father not remarry. (NATO, unmoved, says it will continue the attacks regardless.) "Daddy!" she suddenly shouts, running to a pathetic-looking Baby Lips. Then Sarah notices a policewoman and a woman from Social Services walking behind him. Squealing like a frightened piglet, Sarah insists that she wants to stay. Yeah, and I want hardcore prescription drugs. We can't all have what we want. As Demonia leaves with the two women, Wet Lips and Hooker Girl hug.

Then we hear very sexual grunting noises, which turn out to be the Empress and her new slave Michael rolling around on her crimson satin sheets. "Let's go raid the fridge!" the Empress shouts, running to the kitchen. "24 hours straight! I can't remember the last time I did that with a man!" She doesn't share her experiences with women and animals, unfortunately. As she stands by the open fridge, wrapped in a crimson sheet, Michael appears wrapped in a bedspread decorated with gold foliage. If these two have been sprawling around naked for an entire day, why the sudden need to cover up just to walk to the kitchen? Oh, yeah. We're watching. Just as Michael holds up a squeeze bottle of mustard causing us to wonder if we are about to experience a twisted "9½ Weeks" remake, the doorbell rings. It's Julie, the receptionist who worked as a spy for Lexi at AWA and is now at Sterling/Conway boinking some doof after hours in the office. She informs her Empress that she has been calling and since Lexi wasn't answering the phone, she thought she'd stop by. She fills Lexi in on the whole Tony Marlin/AWA scoop and leaves. Lexi is thrilled, and so am I. There's nothing I like more than when the Empress wields her power for evil. "Time to go in for the kill!" she snarls. She reminds us that she already has Amanda's apartment complex; now she'll take her agency away from her. You go, girl! When Michael wants her to spend time with him in the boudoir instead, she gives us one of her best lines ever: "Good thing I do my best thinking on my back."

Back on the damn boat. Alien Eve is filming the commercial, doing a very good job of acting very poorly. Tony yells "CUT!" and she skips over to Peter. Since when does the client get to be the director? He's furious over Peter's presence. Eve and Peter chat, but she's called back for another take, and Pimp Amanda escorts Peter away. Tony the Director gets devious. "You're rushing the moment," he admonishes the actor playing Eve's husband. "Make her want you." He leans in slowly and kisses Eve all seductive-like. "Like that." he says, looking pompous and satisfied. Eve is left standing there looking confused and concerned. Yeah, it really does turn on most people when someone old enough to be their parent gives them a sensual slurp. Don't even get me started. Tony then walks over to the cameraman and says, "You're not filming her right. Make the camera love her ... like this!" "Yeesh! Get the hell away from me, pal!"

Wet Lips tells his Hooker buddy that the lawyer is on his way over. "It's my fault. I told you to keep Sarah nearby," Megan sniffles. No, it's Ryan's fault for being an idiot. You just gave him the idea, and he's the giddy little lemming that just did what he was told. The lawyer comes in, telling them that there have now been allegations of physical abuse toward the hellspawn. (Rotating the head and bouncing off the ceiling will do that.) Ryan insists that it's a mistake, and they need to get Terri out to L.A. to get everything worked out. Whatever.

Damn boat again. The Queen, in a non-matching lavender long-sleeved shirt and blue patterned capri pants, and her ex-minion are strolling about the deck, laughing and chatting about how they've played shuffleboard and hung out while Alien Eve has been busy sucking face with Tony and the crappy actor playing her husband. "I'm going to look for my wife," Peter tells her. Then they have an annoying "don't give me that look" "what look?" moment and Peter walks off. We next see Eve in the pool, fully clothed and giggly, drinking champagne with Tony, who looks on lustily from the side of the pool. Suddenly, he slips on a stray banana peel, causing him to do the Brooke Bonk on the edge of the pool, killing himself instantly! Then I return from my fantasy and he is still standing there, all lecherous and drooly. "I must be drunk!" Eve titters. Peter arrives, bellowing "Get out of the pool, now!" Tony, being his typical suave self, says something about just unwinding by the pool. "We'll be back in our room unwinding," Peter says, winding up and giving our sophisticated villain a stunning shove! The Marlin is in the water! Peter and Eve return to their cabin and start fighting, and he insists that it looked like she and Tony were about to share some monkey love right there in the pool. I'm glad they didn't, cuz the Pool God over at 4616 would have been jealous. Eve slaps him across the face and he leaves. Right on cue, Amanda walks into the room and asks Eve what's going on. Eve, all drunk again, tells Amanda that she finds Tony so fascinating and says some crap about Las Vegas. Then she remembers the kiss from earlier that afternoon. "I liked it!" she confesses, much to the Queen Pimp's delight. "Sleep it off. I'll take care of everything," Amanda insists.

"Hey, Lexi, baby. You making me breakfast, babe?" Michael chauvinistically calls from Lexi's bed. She comes back to the bedroom wearing a black-and-white teddy with little black bows down the front. Michael gets jealous that she's dressed up to steal the Tony Marlin account, and she dismisses him, telling him to remember to lock up when he leaves. Gotta love that woman's style!

Over breakfast, Amanda advises Peter that he'd "enjoy the cruise a lot more if [he'd] stop being jealous." That's like telling the Party of Five kids to stop being depressing. Just then a crewmember stops by their table to inform them that there is a day trip on an island. Peter decides to partake in the trip, and he walks off. Tony walks over and orders Amanda to join Peter on the island and make sure he doesn't make it back to the boat on time. Eve shows up, and Tony tells her that Peter's on Deck Five. (How he knows that is purely beyond me.) He says that Peter is taking a day cruise on the island, and she should tell him to be sure to be back at the boat by 7 p.m. so he doesn't get left behind. Eve thanks the oh-so-kind Tony. Of course, the ship actually leaves at 5 p.m.! Now let me just interject here one cotton-pickin' minute. I have never personally been on a cruise, but I'd venture to guess that when you leave the ship, one of the crewmembers will inform you of when you should re-embark. I don't think they just hope that you somehow heard the timing from someone else somewhere along the way. But I digress. Eve finds Peter, apologizes, and they make up. He comments that they fight and make up all the time, and she explains it by telling him that she's still new to relationships. "Dinner in the cabin tonight? Just the two of us?" she suggests. "I don't know. Okay!" he chortles. They kiss, hug, and we get one of those concerned over-the-shoulder looks from both of them while they hug and the scene ends.

Megan is hanging out at Ryan's place when Terri arrives. Terri acts all nice and friendly like she isn't in a nasty custody battle with Megan's boyfriend. Ryan shows up, explaining that he went to family services to see Sarah. Hmm. I didn't know they allowed that. So Terri starts crying and Ryan holds her and she insists that she would never hurt her sister's child and Ryan says he knows that and Megan says "I'll go get you some water," looking pretty distressed about this whole hug thing, and Ryan tells Terri "We're going to work together," and Megan drinks the water herself and I help myself to a handful of calcium-enriched Melrose Mints and the scene thankfully ends.

G.I. D'oh bumps into Jane at a flower shop that she now manages. Wow. She sure does get around career-wise. Fashion designer, ad agent, now retail manager. She's almost as multi-faceted as Billy Campbell! "What happened the other night? I was thinking about it and I can't figure it out," D'oh says, desperately trying to fire up those brain cells. Jane says something about trying to be friends, but Doy Boy insists that he's "not going to blow this one!" and mumbles something ending with "lose you," and he grabs her and kisses her. Kyle always says goofy things like "I'm not gonna lose you," but he doesn't exactly have a great track record so far.

Amanda and Peter are laughing and having fun on the island, sitting and drinking piña coladas. "It's 5 o'clock," says Peter. "What are we going to do for the next two hours" is the ominous question. Amanda, obviously a fan of Sammy Hagar's new album, orders tequila. Doubles.

In her office at Sterling/Conway, the Empress is seductively stripping to some music, waiting for Tony Marlin to arrive. Strange that Julie gave her so much information but didn't bother to let her know that Tony was away filming a commercial on a cruise with three people that Lexi usually knows all about. Anyway, a middle-aged woman in a red suit walks in, surprising Lexi. Ya gotta love that building security! "I'm expecting someone!" the Empress tells her, inviting her not so subtly to walk right on out of there. "I know. My husband," Mrs. Marlin tells her. She says something about hearing the message on the answering machine, which is odd that Lexi would have called his home instead of business line, but let's just suspend our disbelief here cuz it's the Empress, and she does rule. Mrs. Marlin grabs Lexi's discarded business outfit and begins threateningly popping the buttons off with a letter opener. "Can we be frank, Miss Sterling?" she begins. She waxes poetic about Tony's affairs, his use of Viagra, and his lousy singing career, and then she pulls a gun. Hot damn! This is like Melrose in the old days! "Several of his associates have had accidents," she warns. Lexi cowers and huddles back. Mrs. Marlin pulls the trigger, showing us that it's just a lighter. After some light and tasty banter, she turns the music back on and walks out, leaving Lexi alone with her adrenaline.

On that damn ship, Eve, in a skintight lilac dress that shows that the temperature in that room must be subzero, opens her cabin door, expecting to see Peter. Instead, Tony walks in, wearing a dark and debonair suit. He tells her that Peter and Amanda are still on the island, rambles on about their being married before, and tries to get her jealous so that she'll be whipped into such a froth that she'll tear off her tourniquet dress and mount him like a trophy fish on a lodge wall. He nuzzles her shoulder. Eve just stands there, uncertain. "You're not ready. Don't worry, we have plenty of time," he assures her. Yuck.

Back on the island, a tipsy Peter grouses that they missed the boat cuz Eve gave them the wrong time. "At least the hotel had two rooms," the Pimpette says cheerfully. They do a stupid going to the door, Amanda going in, Peter almost knocking on her door, Amanda bolting the door and leaning against it dreamily thing and Peter finally walks back to his hotel room.

The next day on the island, the heavily accented hotel guy tells Peter that due to a labor strike, the good doctor and Amanda are stuck there for at least a week unless one of them can manage to purchase a private plane before then. Peter is displeased, even after the hotel guy cheerfully offers him fruit. Amanda comes up with good news: She used her Queenly powers to persuade the cruise ship to circle the island and pick them up tomorrow night. Not like anyone on the cruise ship has anywhere to be or anything. Peter still thinks that tomorrow night is too late, but the hotel guy is delighted and invites them to his daughter's wedding that night. He chuckles off to tell his wife as Amanda forces Peter to go shopping for a wedding gift, and let me just say that I hope Mrs. Hotel Guy reacts better than I would, because I am getting married in just over three weeks and am planning the whole damn thing myself and anyone who prances in hours before the ceremony and tells me that they've added two total strangers to the guest list will get thrown out the window faster than you can say "Bobby Parezi."

Back on the mainland, Megan arrives home after what I'm sure is a tough day at work doing whatever it is she does these days. Even though it seems to be pretty late at night and her bag doesn't match her outfit, her cell phone rings with a business call. Because the connection is apparently bad and we need something to move the plot along, Megan talks REALLY LOUDLY and thereby announces to the entire apartment complex when and where she's going to pick up the film from the cruise line commercial. Lexi listens smirkingly from behind her curtains, and you can almost see her Mood Hair change color before our very eyes with the deviousness of it all.

Terri has hung a "Welcome Home" sign for Sarah in Ryan's apartment, and she and Ryan sure seem to be burying the hatchet awfully fast considering they've hated each guts for close to a decade. Wait -- all that hostility couldn't have been masking sexual tension, could it? Nah. Nothing like that ever happens on TV, and certainly not on this show. Megan comes in, breaking up something that could have been pretty interesting, and is happy that Demonia is moving in. She is less happy to learn that Terri is taking a leave of absence from St. Agnes and will also be staying all summer. Suddenly: "I'm back!" crows the hellspawn, as if we couldn't already tell she was back by the blood coming out of the walls and the hordes of black flies on the windows. The social worker escorting her beats a hasty retreat as Ryan makes the child apologize to Terri and promise to tell no more lies. "I just wanted you to see that Dad's not so bad," pouts the child. "He's not bad at all," Terri agrees, looking kind of google-eyed at Ryan, and Megan gets an oddly pained look on her face as the happy family hugs and she realizes what will inevitably happen on next week's episode.

It appears that the demon child stopped off at the beach house on her way home, because there's a wide trail of blood on the floor. No, wait, it's rose petals. My mistake. Jane walks in and quickly notices that the trail leads to the bedroom, so naturally she goes to investigate because no crazy psycho rapist would ever break into your house and do something nutty like this. Has she forgotten about that obsessive artist from a couple of weeks ago? He's got Vic from North Hollywood potential if I ever saw it. And didn't the evil Angel torture Giles with this on "Buffy" last year? Where's the originality? In the bedroom, Jane of course finds more roses, and Kyle sneaks up behind her and kisses her. This turns Jane on, because it reminds of the fun days when she stalked Jake. They discuss whether his buying all the flowers was a "nuts" kind of crazy or a "crazy about you" kind of crazy, and even though I think it's the former, I am outvoted. Kyle is just crazy about Jane, and it just warms my heart to see him recovering so quickly from the umpteenth breakup of his marriage to Amanda, especially because they swore so many times that nothing would ever separate them again. No matter. "You are so easy to be with," Kyle murmurs in her ear, and really that's because Jane is such a DOORMAT. He assures her that they're going to be "best friends who make love every night like it's the first time," and I reach for the comfort of my Melrose Mints as Kyle and Jane sink to the bed and begin going at it like crazed weasels. And as they roll around the Rose Petal Massacre it occurs to me that sex with Jane just wouldn't be the same unless she had something like mustard or paint or flowers to roll around in. I wonder what it will be next week -- toothpaste and tartar sauce?

Amanda and Peter are sitting around at the wedding reception when Hotel Guy taunts Dr. Mope for not being "man enough to show your woman a good time." Peter tries to explain that Amanda's not his woman, but the Father of the Bride waves him off and says, "Sorry you're here with a dud" to Amanda. Man, if this guy only knew Peter like we do. Fed up, Peter asks Amanda to dance. She is wearing a tight white low-cut gown that would be rude to wear to a wedding that's not (a) on a tropical island or (b) somehow associated with Melrose Place. It's also nice to see that Peter and Amanda pulled a "Ginger Grant" by packing several changes of clothes for a three-hour tour. They begin to slow dance, and Amanda is just a little too into it, stroking his neck and gazing dreamily into space. Mm-hmm.

Meanwhile, on the cruise ship, Eve has apparently been getting fashion advice from Lexi, because her dress is waaaaay too tight and barely covers her butt. She meets Tony by the rail and tries to give him the brush-off in a nice way, but he informs her of his "deal" with Amanda: "She gets my account, I get you." Eve is shocked, but quickly grabs him by the yoo-hoo and sets it, uh, I mean him straight. "That really doesn't feel good," croaks Tony. "Wait till I press it into a license plate," she snarls. "Eve, I just realized you're really not my type," Tony manages, but she doesn't let go until he fibs and tells her that it was Amanda who arranged for Peter to miss the launch from the island. Let the catfight begin!

On the island, Peter walks Amanda to her hotel room, and she looks at him anxiously. He comes in, and after a few moments of staring, they kiss. Peter's lower lip sticks out all funny in a most unattractive way that reminds me of a David Cronenberg film. Ewwww. He picks her up extremely awkwardly, as though she weighs 400 pounds and has steel rods in her back, and lurches over to the bed, where they too begin going at it like crazed weasels and we thankfully break for a commercial before we're treated to another lovemaking scene like Peter's open-window romp with Eve a couple of weeks ago. Yeesh!

The next morning, Peter is dressed and looking morosely out the window. Amanda, on the other hand, is naked under the sheet and doesn't seem to feel one bit guilty. "You're getting a divorce from Kyle. You're free, but I'm not," Peter intones, perching on the edge of the bed. I didn't even know that he and Kyle were married. And poor old Matt never even had a decent kiss! What? Oh, I get it now. Amanda tries to explain it away -- the booze, the island paradise, the bad writing -- but Peter doesn't buy the "Blue Lagoon" defense. Amanda admits that perhaps she was still in love with Peter like Kyle always said, and he pats her hand to comfort her, informing her that he's going directly back to Los Angeles because he can't face Eve. The camera lingers on their hands, adorned with what sure look like matching wedding bands. Foreshadowing, anyone?

Finally, we get a scene involving someone who's not Amanda, Peter, Tony, or Eve. Unfortunately, it's mostly a throwaway, with Megan going to pick up the cruise line commercial footage but finding out that it's already been picked up. Where could that film be?

Quick cut to -- who else? -- Lexi at the hospital. She sneaks into the X-ray room with the film cans, where Michael is setting up the equipment. The plot is to ruin the film without making it seem like the cans were tampered with. Why not just steal the film and avoid this process? Because then we wouldn't get to see Michael in his Nehru jacket lead vest. For some reason, this turns Lexi on, and she unbuttons her shirt and she and Michael sink to the floor in a passionate kiss as Michael zaps the film. Radiation be damned!

Out on the beach, Ryan thinks that Jane and Kyle look cozy together, and isn't it funny how Ryan not only doesn't feel bad about the breakup of Kyle's marriage but also isn't concerned about his own butt at work? Oh look, Demonia has a sand castle ("Daddy, see my chamber of death!") and oh look again, here's Terri! See Josie Bisset hiding her rapidly expanding real-life pregnant stomach behind a lawn chair as Terri pumps her for information about Ryan. Megan shows up and gets a big hug from Sarah. As she tells Ryan about the film fiasco, Terri grabs him and purrs that dinner's ready. Because it's pretty obvious she's got the hots for Ryan, I wonder briefly why he's not picking up on that, but then I remember that he's used to dealing with Lexi's seduction attempts and probably just doesn't know how to interpret Terri's subtlety. Jane briefly talks to Megan about the situation and then announces "I'll go help Kyle with the burgers" as though that will somehow fix Megan's problem. Megan watches Terri, Sarah, and Ryan sadly, realizing that their little family party is No Blondes Allowed. Well, okay, No Artificial Blondes Allowed.

Suddenly, we're at Los Angeles International Airport. In case you weren't sure, we're given a helpful caption informing us that we are indeed at Los Angeles International Airport. Tony Marlin emerges from a hangar and gets into his limo, only to find Lexi in what initially appears to be a sequin-encrusted bathing suit. She introduces herself. "I've heard about you," he says. I bet he has. Lexi uses all sorts of innuendo to get his attention -- "keep me in mind for a backup position", "a fabulous body...of work" -- and as she shifts position in her seat we can tell by the look on Tony's face that she's not wearing sequin-encrusted underpants to match her outfit. "You got my attention," he rasps, probably thankful that she's not using the "turn your head and cough" routine that Eve pulled (sorry) on him earlier. Pleased with her basic instinct, Lexi gives him her card and gets out of the limo, watching with a satisfied smile as it drives away. Either she had collagen injections while she was in the hospital screwing around with Michael, or she needs a new shade of lipstick, because her lips looked really weird in this scene.

On the ship for the last time this evening (thank God!), Eve is packing when there's a knock at the door. Those of us who've been following the plot are not surprised to see that it's Amanda and that Eve is not thrilled to see her. "Where's Peter?" the new Kathie Lee demands. Amanda, who is wearing a fabulous bra under her tight white T-shirt, makes up some story about a hospital emergency and asks where Tony is. Eve tells Amanda that Tony left and that she knows about the deal Amanda and Tony had. Amanda tries to explain, but Eve hurls a vase in her general vicinity and accuses Amanda of not caring about anyone but herself. She viciously grabs the Pimp Queen by the neck and yells, "Get out before I do a Patrick Swayze and rip your throat out!" Amanda is so frightened her black roots disappear! She leans against the door looking scared as the fun ends for this week.

--written by zinc and Ellen, edited by Ken

Three episodes left! Wah! Jamie Luner and Rena Sofer reminisce about their favorite Melrose moment, which of course is their catfight. Prepare for more yowling next week as Amanda tells Peter she never stopped loving him, Megan feels sorry for herself, Ryan and Terri see each other nekkid, and Eve crushes a glass in her bare hand after learning that Peter and Amanda were together in a hotel room.