We get another tempting view of the pool, sans corpses or catfights, and then we are in Peter and Eve's bedroom, where he is packing his bags. As he tosses a shirt at the bed, a huge stack of Poloroids showing Amanda and Peter enjoying some romance on the island appears. Now how exactly did these get here, and were they supposed to be some kind of blackmail thing or something? Anyway, he picks them up and looks at them, smiling ruefully. Eve comes home, calling out his name repeatedly. She enters the bedroom wearing a hideous Holly Hobbie-like nightgown looking lilac ruffly dress thing and gasps when she sees him packing. "This marriage is over!" Peter announces. "What's happening?" she asks. She goes on to tell him that Amanda set him up to get stranded on the island and that Eve was just a poor helpless pawn in the whole debacle. "She pimped me, Peter!" She then goes on to profess her undying love of her husband. "Let me show you much!" she says, pushing him down to the bed and straddling him like Deborah Winger on the mechanical bull in Urban Cowboy. Peter has a particularly freaky look on his face that looks identical to the one he had when Kimberly first threw herself at him when she stayed at his swank bachelor pad.

Hooker Girl and Baby Lips walk through a hall at AWA, and Ryan tries to discuss the morning's basketball brawl. Megan's in too much of a rush to talk, and she mumbles something about the film reels being delivered by a "phantom messenger" and they need to hurry up to watch them with their Queen. I just wonder why the Queen would want her finance guy and her ex-hooker/ex-receptionist/now-ad exec to view these, anyway. Wouldn't she have some marketing or art type people around to help out? Anyway, the film starts, and we see the ship on the ocean on obviously damaged film. "What the hell am I looking at? This film looks as streaky and nasty as Jane's hair did in the first season!" her highness haughtily huffs. "It looks like it was exposed to an airline's X-ray machine," the wall behind her replies. Ryan oddly insists that it probably happened in Mexico. Amanda asks the wall if all the film is ruined, and it replies in the affirmative. I just want to know how they could tell it was all damaged without looking at the individual reels. If the film were obviously damaged, why would the screening have even begun? Sorry. Using logic again. So Amanda whirls around to accuse Megan of working for the Empress behind her back and ruining her. Megan denies it as the Queen storms past, shouting, "It's over! I'm ruined!" She leaves the room, slams the door, and leans against it, looking rather Terryfied.

Amanda pulls up at Kyle's in a convertible just as Peter pulls up behind her. "You manipulated me!" he accuses. He informs her that he is aware of her entire scheme to get an account by making Eve into Tony's own personal Megan. "It's been a lousy day and I'm in no mood for this conversation," she says for the millionth time in the life of this series. "You only care about one person! Yourself! No wonder Kyle left you!" he shouts. "I'm sorry I ever met you. I'm even sorrier I ever loved you," he says, crushing her like a grape under a combat boot. He leaves, and she glares.

Walking into Kyle's, Amanda bumps into the restaurant's namesake. "I didn't know you were back in town!" G.I. D'oh comments, all friendly-like. "Yes, and I'm very busy, ex-minion. Send a bottle of Chardonnay over to my table," she commands. Amanda sits down next to Tony and blatantly lies about the dailies, shifting the blame to Eve's pathetic acting ability. She tells him that they were "God-awful," and that she destroyed the film, which would have been a really stupid thing to do if she had been telling the truth. "You want me to film the reshoot," states Tony. Amanda says that it is only reasonable, since she doesn't think it's right that she shell out another million to do it. In my opinion, it wasn't reasonable for her to shell out the money in the first place. And if it were that important, why didn't Amanda have the film with her and take it back in her limo? Why have it delivered? Pretty ridiculous, if you ask me. Anyway, Tony explains that he knows she doesn't have any more money, that she "blew [her] whole wad" on the commercial. "And I'd like you to move out of my townhouse by tonight. I'm through with you and your agency." Thanks for finally letting us know where Amanda has been staying since she left Jane's. We had been wondering. Lexi struts up in a tight shiny black dress and not-so-politely asks Amanda to get out of her seat. "You two know each other?" Amanda asks, stunned. After some catty banter, Lexi and Tony leave a miserable Amanda alone. D'oh comes up with the bottle of Chardonnay. "Do you still want me to open this?" he asks, twisting the knife just a touch deeper.

Eve walks out of the 4616 courtyard in a small red slipdress and black sweater and bumps into Scary Christmas Tree Guy who is now a security guard. For some odd reason, the actor now thinks that it would be best for his character to become Barney Fyfe-ish. He is all goofy and drawly, and he tells Eve that if she sees any flashlights shining into her apartment, it will be Barney himself, checking in on her. Taking no crap and obviously teetering on the edge of insanity cuz there are only two shows left and it just wouldn't do to end the show without some more Kimberly-esque moments, Alien Eve warns him to stay away from him. He just stands there, baffled and dorky, shuffling from foot to foot.

Over at AWA, Ryan comes up to Megan, who's typing away on her laptop. "How's the eye?" he asks. "It's a little, um, black and blue," she replies, ignoring him for the most part, which is what I would have done in her position for the past, oh, let's say entire time he's been on the show. She tells him that she's writing her resignation letter, saying "Amanda's going to fire me in the morning, anyway." Wet Lips insists that he will be her champion and he'll talk to Amanda for her, and it's so hard to keep track of whether or not Amanda and Ryan like each other or hate each other, so I think I'll just stop trying to keep track. Hooker Girl quips that she wishes that Ryan had stood up for her in front of Terry instead. "Terry wants you," she says, surprising the horrifically empty brain panned Ryan. He then begins to accuse her of using Terry as an excuse to create distance between them because she's afraid of committing. Excuse me, Baby Lips? Isn't this the same woman who spent the entire montage section of the last episode frolicking with your Satanic Spawn of a child? Granted, she is clue-free and annoying, but does she really seem like someone who is afraid of obstacles and commitment? Hello? Whatever.

Okay, now I have to confess that Amanda and Peter are my favorite characters on this show (if you haven't been able to ascertain that from my recap sections already), but this scene was pretty weak. Amanda shows up at Wilshire Memorial and tells Peter that maybe she lied about a lot of things, but the one thing she didn't lie about was the sex. It was a profession of her love and stuff and they go to an abandoned hall and spout undying love phrases to each other and wildly tongue wrestle.

While Baby Lips is in the shower, moistening his lips further, the Treacherous Terry is skittering about in his bedroom wearing a red lace teddy, plotting for her prey to see her in her skivvies. When Ryan comes into his room, she stands in front of the closet and I kid you not, cuz I spewed popcorn all over myself when I saw this, puts her wrists under her breasts and PUSHES THEM UP, acting all "Oh my goodness I can't believe that you are seeing my tender scantily-clad body" and stuff while trying to create cleavage. I missed the aftermath stupidity cuz I was picking popcorn particles out of my puppy's fur. Sorry. [Editor's Note: You didn't miss anything. Wet Lips just stammers and makes a quick exit.]

Then we see the Empress, singing in a really bad lounge lizard voice in her shower. Michael, all hot and bothered as usual, tries to get in the shower with her, but she dismisses him angrily. He complains that she's still going after Tony Marlin, but says he's relieved that she decided not to have sex with him. "Oh no; I plan on sleeping with him," she purrs. "How come I don't get a show?" he whimpers. "That's cuz you're not a billionaire, and I don't want anything from you." He begins blithering about how they should be talking about their feelings at this point in their relationship, and he is quickly banished from the Empress's domain. Sputtering something about preferring his own non-mildewy shower to hers, Michael stomps right on out of there.

Amanda calls Ryan into her office and asks him how much money is in the company cash fund. "About $30,000," he tells her, adding that everyone is going to pull together and "hustle up" more business, which means Megan will be extra helpful, so they can pull the company out of this rut. Excuse me, but who would want to do business with a company that drops its clients with no notice whatsoever so it can go for a single account that it has no guarantee of winning? I sure would be confident about giving my money to an agency like that, wouldn't you? Anyway, Amanda tells him to divide the money among all of the employees equally. He protests, telling her that they can rebuild. "I'm not interested. I want out," she sighs. What?! Excuse me?!? Isn't this the same Blonde Queen who, just two weeks ago, ended her marriage because she was soooo professionally driven and her vocabulary-challenged husband couldn't keep up with her? It's bad enough when writers expect us to forget things that happened several years ago but, I gotta say, this is getting ridiculous. Amanda solemnly tells Ryan, "You've been a great right hand. Better than great. Better than Billy or Brooke or Kyle or anyone else I've called my 'right hand'." I think this is supposed to evoke feelings of sadness or sympathy from the viewer but, personally, it's only making me nauseous.

Okay, do you want a stupid scene that will make your bile rise like a rocket up the back of your throat? You do? Great. Then this scene was written especially for you. Kyle and Jane are all snuggly wuggly on the deck of her beachhouse when Wet Lips arrives. He says something about the guys at the worksite saying that he could find Kyle working at Jane's place. "I don't call this working," Doy Boy laughs. "I'll second that! Ha ha!" Jane stupidly says with her ever-widening pregnancy face beaming at her real-life husband, and the sickly sweetness is making my flesh itch. Ryan starts to leave, and just as I start to wonder why the hell he even showed up, Jane says "You should go talk to him," so Doy runs after his doofy brother. Wet Lips informs him that the Queen has lost her queendom and she needs a friend. Kyle doesn't want to talk about it, so they stand and look awkward for a second, then Ryan is all "Are we still on for dinner?" and Kyle is all "Yup!" and the pain ends.

So Baby Lips, Demonia, the Treacherous Terry, and G.I. D'oh are eating dinner at - guess where? - KYLE'S! The only restaurant in town! Terry is chattering incessantly like a furby about how much she now adores California and how she never thought she'd see herself as a "California girl," but she just really sees herself staying there forever and ever. "You won't have to shovel the driveway any more," Ryan comments. "Oh, Daddy, the priests always do that," contradicts the Spawn. "Well, you won't need a winter coat. But you could use a robe, though," he adds, cruelly reminding us of the gut-wrenchingly WRONG scene with Terry in her lace teddy. Kyle asks Terry if the weather is the only thing keeping her there, and she admits that the thing she likes the most is spending time with her dead sister's shiny-lipped husband. Sarah and Terry excuse themselves to go to the restroom, and Ryan asks Kyle if he thinks that Terry likes him. Didn't we have to sit through this high school crap when he first decided he was attracted to Megan? Do we really need to be subjected to this torture again? "Is Terry hitting on me?" asks Wet Lips. "I'd say she's hot for you," D'oh replies. "Can this scene end please?" I ask. Fortunately, the answer is yes.

Kyle excuses himself and bumps into Peter at the bar. Peter tells Kyle he's meeting Eve for dinner. Kyle jumps on his white horse and tells Peter about Amanda's troubles, asking him to save her with his stacks of cash. Just then, Alien Eve shows up and slurps herself like a leech around her husband, acting like nothing's wrong. "Maybe we can make a night of it!" she giggles. Just then Peter announces that he's being paged. He calls Amanda at her office, and she tells him that she can't talk cuz she's at a business wake. She is obviously drunk (Melrose-style, you know, all slurry and stupid and not at all like drunk people really act). Her lease is up at midnight, and she plans on staying `til 11:59. How did she arrange to have her lease end so fast? What landlord is going to agree to such short notice? Arrgggh. Using logic again while watching Melrose. You'd think I'd learn. Peter gets off the phone and tells Eve that he has an emergency at the hospital and has to break their date. She looks very disappointed as he runs off to the Queen's rescue.

Peter arrives at AWA to find the Queen sitting on the floor. "Pull up a floor," she invites. "You're drunk," he responds. "Oooooh. Just numb." "You know that I have money." he begins. She refuses his offer. Amanda: "I have no place to live." Peter: "You have me." Amanda: "If Eve is included in that package, I'm not interested." Peter: "Do you love me?" zinc: "Didn't they already establish this seven scenes ago?" Amanda: "Yes." Peter: "I'm going to split with Eve." Amanda: "Maybe she'll push me off a bleacher. Do you love me?" Peter kisses her. Amanda: "I'll take that as a yes." And the scene ends with the two of them all snuggly and reunited. Hmmm. Wonder what's gonna happen when Amanda finds out he had her kidnapped? Maybe she'll forgive him as fast as she forgave him for trying to kill her with a hypodermic needle chock full of poison! When you think about it, murder is worse than kidnapping, so this should be cake for Peter.

Daddy Wet Lips is sleeping peacefully -- and half-naked -- on the sofa when Aunt Baywatch Terry tiptoes over and picks his blanket off the floor to cover him up with. Apparently the sight of Ryan's naked torso is just as revolting to her as it is to me. Ryan believes this is a ploy to get close to him in bed. He quickly jumps up and tells Terry he's sorry if he misled her but wants to make it clear that he's in love with Megan. Terry explains that she's been trying to get closer to Hooker Girl but it seems Megan doesn't want to "know" her "or the Demon Child for that matter". Ryan defends his woman, saying that Megan is just giving the three of them some bonding space to be a typical 90's dysfunctional Melrose family. After all, since when does anyone not act like a jealous, raving lunatic around here, right? Aunt Baywatch doesn't buy this and cooly replies, "If I were Megan, I'd make it a point to get to know my boyfriend's family." With that, she and her scantily-clad body of bony-ness saunter past Ryan and out of the room.

At the Dinner Special Diner, Dr. Smooth and his soon-to-be ex-jailbird-wife are enjoying breakfast in their window seat with the beautiful view of the fresh roadkill on the street. Eve coos about how nice it was of Peter to take her to breakfast after he "worked all night at the hospital" because, apparently, she has regressed to Megan's level of naivety and just plain stupidity. Peter tells Eve he "cares about her" and has been thinking about their marriage. Eve mistakes this as a cue to talk about the foregone second honeymoon and starts suggesting a list of places they can vacation in: Hawaii, Tahiti, Jail Cell #57. Peter flatly tells her, "I'm not in love with you anymore. Please pass the Palaner's All-Fruit -- and don't call it jelly." Surprisingly, Ally McBeal's dumpster does NOT appear. Peter continues by telling her she can have "half of everything -- the money, whatever" making it painfully obvious he just wants to be rid of her. Eve's look turns to stone. "It's Amanda, isn't it?" she snaps but Peter denies it and gives her some more bunk about his feelings and not being in love with Eve and not wanting to hurt her but Eve's not buying it and at this point he could give her any song and dance about bunny rabbits being the problem and it just wouldn't make a bit of difference. Eve shouts, "You just hurt me more than anyone could!" and, just to drive her point home, she throws her large glass of California tap water in his face. "I hate you! And I hate Amanda!" she screams hysterically as she storms out.

At the beach house, Kyle is fixing himself a bowl of Waffle Crisp nastiness while on the phone with Ryan. Doy Boy is frantic that he can't get in touch with the Queen and looks even more forelorn when he hears she didn't get the money to save the agency. In walks Jane, looking like a wife already, so Kyle cuts the phone conversation short. Jane is starting to sound like a wife already as well as she starts whining about how "every guy in Amanda's life hangs on to her forever". Yeah, that's why Jake and Billy are still lurking in the bushes. The Doormat continues by asking Kyle what he plans to do when he finds Amanda -- "give her money? A warm bed? A shoulder to cry on?" He insists he's just trying to help a friend and adds, "I was married to her -- in fact, I still am." Nice one, Kyle, that oughtta score you some points with your new girlfriend. Jane retreats to the bedroom so Kyle reluctantly abandons his breakfast so he can chase after her to tell her he "can't turn his back on Amanda". Jane insists he can since that's what she did to Michael and then recites her one and only rule for a relationship: "It's only 2 people -- no ex's. No ex-lovers, no ex-spouses and no excuses" and if that's what she really wants then why EX-actly did she EX-change her most EX-cellent life in EX-citing Chicago for her EX-haustingly tedious EX-istance in LA? Kyle laments, "I can't give that to you -- be realistic" so Jane snivels some more about how she thought Kyle was "different" because, after all, she did know him for all of about 2 seconds before getting involved with him, but I digress. Doy Boy just stands there looking clueless and nodding to himself as if agreeing with all the voices in his head.

At the Upstairs, Michael raps, half-wasted, to Eve about his travails with the Empress. "Lexi swept me off my feet. I hadn't felt that in a couple marriages. No offense to Jane... or Sydney... or Kimberly... or Megan... or Jane again." Eve just glares at Michael so he continues, "The ones you don't know -- they're dead" which causes Eve to glare even harder so he quickly adds, "I didn't kill them." Smooth. He continues to lament about Lexi so the Jailbird, sounding like the street-hardened con she is, snaps, "You've got my condolences but you're only gonna get your heart broken." She urges Michael, "Get past it, pal. Forget her... make her pay. It's the only satisfaction you're gonna get." Michael, for a minute, absorbs the evil. "Ahh, you've been there," he notes. "I'm there right now," she bitterly replies. Michael finally boards the Clue Bus as he observes, "You seem very bitter. I don't do bitter very well." Suddenly he decides to head out and try to win back the non-existent heart of Lexi, even if it means he'll have to stop her from cheating every day for the rest of his life, or for the remainder of this series. And given the fact there are only 2 episodes left, it does seem the odds are in his favor. Michael departs and Eve angrily knocks down some more liquor.

Back at 4616, Wet Lips is once again on the rooftop when he instructs Megan, who is climbing up the ladder, to close her eyes. Naturally, Clueless Lewis obliges him and I only hope it's not another faulty part of the complex that'll cave in. Ryan, who is sporting a tuxedo that looks like it's a size too small and was, most likely, the only thing the tux place had left seeing how this is prom season and all, leads Megan, (who is sporting a very unattractive and realistic-looking black eye) to a fancy table complete with waiter, champagne, flowers, candlelight, and some dweeb in the background playing a Casio keyboard. Turns out the guy is Michael Feinstein because Ryan used to be his stock broker. Any last scenes of realism are now dwindling to a precious few. Ryan tells Megan how having Demonia in his life "means nothing without [Megan]" which is actually probably not too far off the mark when you consider this guy ignored his spawn for an entire decade. Regardless, Wet Lips gets down on one knee and asks the Black-Eyed Beauty to marry him. She accepts, he gives her a ring, they kiss and Mr. "Ryan Made Me A Bundle" Feinstein continues plunking away at his keyboard and crooning some cheezy love song while I hungrily munch on my Melrose Mints.

Lexi is at Tony Marlin's place. The poor thing's nervous because she has yet to make a sales pitch without her staff around. I'll bet she's made a few without her clothes around though. He reassures her, bringing her a martini and asking her what she has planned. She wants to show him how sexy his commercial, and thus his cruise line, can be. She's gonna sing a song, but she says the lady singing it should be a "young version of Kathie Lee" and what is it lately with all the Kathie Lee Gifford references? Just because the guy owns a cruise line doesn't mean he wants a copycat ad campaign and if I'm already this tired of the references and I don't even own a cruise line, imagine how this guy must feel. Actually, Tony appears to be feeling pretty good and is all ears -- and other body parts -- as he anxiously awaits Lexi's big performance. She saunters over to the stereo and pops in a cassette as she tells Tony to "give tha audience what they want, sugah". The music starts and Lexi immediately starts disrobing as she saunters over to Tony while singing something about "Peel Me A Grape". If it weren't for the fact she has an incredible voice, I'd probably be howling right along with the dog. I can see it already - Melrose: The Musical. The Empress, now clad in only a black bra and matching panties, finishes her song by climbing into Tony's lap and kissing him. As she entices, a Peeping Michael appears outside the window looking both jealous and sad. He walks off disgusted just in time to almost get run over by a speeding car pulling into the driveway. He runs back to the window and tries to get Lexi's attention. Lexi sees him and ignores him as she continues making out with The Fish, so Michael runs back to his car and starts honking the horn. Both Lexi and Tony ignore the noise until Tony realizes his wife is home. The Empress, not wanting to be held at gun-shaped-cigarette-lighter-point again, quips, "Say no more" and runs out the back way. Michael swings by in his convertible, Lexi jumps in and they drive off.

At some expensive looking hotel, Kyle walks in and knocks on #27 which is answered bluntly by Peter who is wearing an expensive looking robe. He stammers for a second until Amanda walks up behind him wearing an equally expensive looking matching robe. That was a quick "get caught". Through clenched teeth, Kyle says, "I heard about your agency closing down and I was worried about you, but I should have known better. Wherever you are, Burns isn't far behind." He pauses, apologizes for interrupting and leaves, so the Queen chases after him. I don't want you to go away angry," she tells him and thanks him for his concern. Kyle angrily replies, "I'm not angry" so obviously he's just jealous because he and Amanda never had matching robes. "I'm embarassed," he continues. "Embarassed that I came here in the first place. Embarassed that I no longer have a decent storyline. And most of all I'm embarassed because everytime my new girlfriend wants to make love, we have to find weird things to roll around in. Last night it was peanut butter and jelly -- I don't know how much longer I can stand it!" Calming down, Doy Boy wishes Amanda happiness and quickly leaves.

Michael Feinstein is now appearing at the Upstairs for ONE WEEK ONLY because, after that, the Upstairs will be blown to tiny pieces which will then be auctioned off on the Amazon.com web site. Jane walks in and sits at the bar which Kyle is presently stocking with even more liquor for Eve to get smashed on. He tells The Doormat how great she looks so she jokingly replies, "I was hoping to pick up a great guy." Jane tries to apologize to Kyle for their earlier argument but he beats her to it. He has SEEN THE LIGHT and promises a clean break from Amanda. Jane, intuitive for once, asks if he went to see Amanda. Kyle admits that he went to her hotel room to make sure she was alright and reveals that he caught her there with Burns who was wearing a matching robe. Just as he divulges this information, the Jailbird walks in and overhears him. She continues EVEsdropping as Kyle tells Jane he's not sorry for what he saw and is glad that Amanda has "someone to lean on". Doy Boy asks Jane to dance, and as he escorts Jane to the dance floor, he walks RIGHT PAST EVE but is obviously blinded by Jane and all her brilliantly shining beauty. Eve, who is holding an empty wine glass, walks to the bar in a daze -- the psycho glare is back. As she stands there looking at nothing in particular, she crushes the glass in her bare hand and as the blood oozes out between her fingers she wonders to herself, "Oh cool. I wonder if my blood is acid like Ripley's in Alien Resurrection. Imagine the fun I could have then."

Michael is at the Lair of the Empress opening a bottle of wine when he admits he really was jealous the night before and he doesn't want to share her. As he crosses over to the sofa, we get an obnoxious butt shot of Lexi who is turned around backward on the sofa so she can play with her fishtank. Turning around, she promises he has nothing to worry about anymore and shows Michael the unsigned contract. "Unlike Amanda, I'm willing to admit when I failed," she sighs. Lexi admits how humiliated she was the night before and, crossing her heart, promises to "throw in the towel" and focus her sexual energy on Michael and only Michael. "I've been humiliated long enough," she sighs. "If I can't have everything good in life well, at least I can have you." Classic. The doorbell rings before they can get down to business and it's -- guess who -- Tony Marlin who has arrived with flowers and an apology for last night. He wants to "pick up where [we] left off last night". The Empress quickly changes gears as she introduces Michael as "one of her tenants" and hurries him out the door. Once outside, Michael whines but she quickly tells him, "When it comes to getting something that Amanda wants I'm like a pit bull in heat!" and pushes him away. When she goes back in, Tony asks her why she has two plates out for dinner. She says she knew he'd be around because, in addition to having mood hair, apparently she's now psychic. Obviously she has herself confused with Counselor Troi from Star Trek - The Next Generation. Lexi puts on some tango music as The Fish tells her he'd rather feel their psychic connection in bed. Too bad Dionne Warwick never thought of that approach. The Empress saunters off to the bedroom while Tony takes a minute to pop some extra Viagra pills that actually look like orange Smarties candy. Entering the bedroom, he discovers a naked Lexi lying on the bed with the contract strategically spread out on her body. "Sign on tha dotted line and ah'll show you the time of your life," she coos, careful to point out the fact that the pen is a rollerball. He obliges her and, as he signs in "all the right places", Lexi sighs and giggles.

Eve has moved downstairs to Kyle's bar where she's downing shots of what looks like Green Martian Kool-Aid in record time. She's like a composite of Alison and Jake now. Kyle approaches her and asks why she's drinking, completely ignoring the fact her glass-crushing hand is now wrapped in gauze. She explains that she's "celebrating" the end of her marriage and explains how Peter dumped her "over breakfast... over easy." Some drunken laughter follows so Kyle offers to take her home but she frees herself from his grasp and angrily tells him, "that's the last place I wanna go!" The Jailbird continues downing her shots as she wonders aloud how long Amanda and Peter have really been together. Doy Boy tries the sympathy angle and tells her he "knows how [she] feels" and urges her to "let it go". Eve hisses, "It's gone!" and the proudly announces the fact she has a date. Turning macabre, she slurs, "Did I ever tell you when I was in high school I was a cheerleader?" Like an idiot, Kyle shakes his head as if he is the only person in the country who hasn't heard this story ten-thousand times. "I dated the captain of the football team," Eve continues. "Then I killed him." She drops her shot glass for emphasis and cackles evilly. In walks her date, Officer Christmas Tree. Kyle is ready to beat him up but Eve holds him back, explaining that he's her date, careful to point out the fact he's "practically a cop" because he's now a proud member of the L.A. Patrol. I think that kinda means auxilliary police which, in New York, is the equivalent of a glorified usher. "Let's go, darling," Patrol Guy says in his bad Southern accent as they leave a dumbfounded Kyle standing there.

Back at the apartment, we see a moonlit shot of the pool as we hear moaning - Lexi's to be exact. She's apparently on top of Tony and mentions the fact she's "doing all the work". When Tony doesn't respond, she stops moving and starts repeating his name as the camera pans down to a still, non-blinking, open-eyed Tony. Frantic, Lexi phones Michael to tell him Tony's not breathing and she "thinks [she] killed him!" Add that to the resume, Lexi! Michael rushes over with his handy medical bag and, as he checks for a pulse, Lexi slaps Tony's face because, after all, that's the first thing they teach you to do in CPR class, right? Michael sarcastically praises the Empress for her "good diagnosis" and then informs her, "he's dead." Lexi looks horrified as her mood hair quickly changes from red to black.

The show is rapidly turning into a Stephen King thriller as Peter walks into his darkened apartment silently calling out Eve's name. Carefully stepping over what appears to be his packed suitcases, he walks further into the apartment until he hears laughter coming from the bedroom. Flipping on the light switch, he discovers Eve in bed with Mr. Barney Patrol. Shocked, Peter can't think of anything better to say than, "You're the Christmas Tree Guy, huh?" Eve calls him "the best sex she's ever had" and, considering she's spent most of her adult life in prison and her only sexual experiences are high school football players and Peter, that isn't really saying much. Peter begs Eve, "Don't do this to yourself" so she snarls, "Why don't you get the hell outta here!" Peter is only too-happy to oblige her as he quickly exits. She turns her attention back to Patrol Guy who tells her she "fulfilled all of [his] fantasies" which apparently consisted of making it with one of his ex-cons. Now it's payback time as the Jailbird asks him to fulfill one of hers. "I want you to make my ex-husband and his blonde slut pay for hurting me," she croons. "I want you to make them bleed." Patrol Guy is hesitant and asks if there's "something else" he can do instead since he's suddenly such a great, stand-up kind of guy what with "turning over a new leaf" and all. Eve throws a fit and yells at him to "GET OUT!" He, like Peter, is eager to get out of there and tells the psycho ex-con, "Lady, you're a real looker but you're off your rocker." Eve throws a bottle of wine at him which shatters beautifully all over the wall as he hastily runs out of the apartment and she screams, "Get out before I make you bleed!" What is it with this woman and her sudden fascination with bleeding? A calmer, but obviously psychotic, Eve sits up on her bed and says, "I don't need you. I don't need anybody. I'm a cheerleader!" The crazed look that once posessed Kimberly now returns in Eve's eyes as she recites, "Two... Four... Six... Eight... Who can I annihilate?" I don't ever remember hearing that cheer at my high school football games...

--written by zinc and Anthony, edited by Stacie

2 episodes left! Heather Locklear shares her favorite Melrose moment which, surprisingly, is a scene that doesn't involve her. Next week the hijinks continue as Lexi pleads for Michael's help in dealing with Tony's death, a naked Terry kisses Ryan and a psychotic-looking Eve lurks behind her apartment door just as Peter and Amanda enter.