As the two begin to hoist the body down the stairs (we all know from experience how awkward that can be), they see Alien Eve hoisting Peter's golf clubs, then gleefully tossing them into The Pool. "Sink before I make you BLEED!!" The Pool responds, "More sports equipment. Yes, Yes! No one ever gives me food." Lexi, silently alarmed, whispers to Mike that she'll distract Eve while Mike keeps dragging. Considering that Eve is somewhere on Planet Claire with a third moon in Kimberly, I'd say Michael got the raw end of that deal! Lexi walks over and asks if she can help. Eve says, "You can help me throw out more of Peter's stuff!" "Uh, Eve, honey, don't you think you're being hasty?" counters Lexi as she nonetheless attains a grip on the sofa bed. Michael, as we see in the background, dumps Tony into a convenient shopping cart (huh?) and, after circling aimlessly as a Keystone Cop, eventually wheels him out of the courtyard! Eve smiles evilly, ranting about Peter and Amanda, and confides to Lexi, "You know what I'm talking about!" Indeed! Now I can't help but wonder whom Empress Landlady will pay to get all that furniture out of The Pool, but then I realize it's the next-to-last episode and she probably frankly doesn't give a damn.

At the Marlin mansion, Michael and Lexi drop the cruisin' cadaver into his chair. Lexi complains that Tony's getting stiff. Heh heh - she said 'stiff'. Honey, this likely wasn't a complaint for you an hour ago! Suddenly, they hear someone approaching in the hall. You mean this person didn't catch them on the way in?? Geez! Lexi dives into a closet, whilst Michael spins the chair around so that the back faces the entrance to the den, and he ducks under the desk. Into the doorway struts Tony's maid (complete in "French maid" regalia, no less). As she coos and unbuttons her top, it's obvious she's interesting in scrubbing more than the kitchen tiles. When she doesn't get a response from Tony, she asks if he's tired. Michael reaches up and nods Tony's head! Priceless! But these are LA girls, and it works!! She says she'll come back later, and Michael waves Fish Boy's arm. Lexi and Michael then try to get Tony's dead hand to hold a pen (oh yeah, he died the second he signed the contract -- absolutely, that's plausible!). The Empress then notices the stack of papers on his desk. "Michael, he has dossiers on Amanda, Eve, me, and Barbara Walters!" Shades of X-Files abound. Lexi immediately realizes the blackmail potential, and Michael is inspired: "You said you'd do anything. Well, I'll never have this leverage again -- marry me!" "What?!" "We're soulmates! We have larceny in our hearts!" Touched by Michael's proposal over a dead body, Lexi accepts and they start making out over the corpse as the credits begin.

[Sniff, I'll miss the shots of the overweight, aging bikers on their motorcycles ... can't we see this one more time before the end?]

Let's return to the Empress' Orgy Chamber (Casa Lexi) the following morning, where Michael and Lexi examine the dossiers. "Damn, Mikey, that Barbara Walters sure got around!" Michael briefly recoils when he learns that Lexi hasn't changed the sheets yet! But hey, this is not a class place like Super 8. The TV is on, and of course a Tony Marlin newsflash conveniently appears complete with magic automatic volume increase. The announcer reads, "Tony Marlin, head of his own cruise line and a major-league weasel who was despised by everyone, was found dead at his home in Beverly Hills. Police are at a loss to explain the frozen smile on his face." Michael, suddenly stimulated, wishes Lexi to demonstrate her patented deadly sex technique!

On the legal end, Eve is summoned to the courthouse where Peter wants to get the divorce proceedings underway. He wants to keep this civil, as he always has aspired to be, and says he chose the courthouse as "neutral territory." Leery Cleary gets in the ring, accusing Peter of attempting to intimidate her. He says, "Can't we stop hurting each other?" "Yeah, when you're dead and in hell!" Their lawyers stand dumbly, whereafter Peter tosses in the towel and heads for the hallway, where he's embraced by a waiting Amanda. Yes, Peter -- hugging Amanda in Eve's presence is just an ideal way to just get along - as well as a bolster for your case! As Eve steps out and sees them, however, she reverts to ... black and white! A younger Eve (portrayed by the same Rena Sofer in 80's hair wearing a dress out of Pleasantville) is escorted out of a courtroom and sees Amanda hugging Peter...or is it Peter? Before any revelation, she snaps out of her psychotic episode and departs the scene. [This black-and-white flashback was sponsored by Polaroid. Let's see what develops!]

Over at Wilshire Memorial, Lexi struts into Dr. Puddles' office and begins chatting. When he asks why she's here, she says, "Michael asked me to marry him." She hasn't a dollar to buy a clue, so she lists the All-Star lineup of men whom she'd always thought of as "the one": "Coop, Peter, Kyle, Antonio Sabato Jr (hitting cleanup)...." "Lexi, he's not on the show anymore." "A girl can dream, can't she?!" Visconti clears his throat, "Um, I was in there, too." Too bad, you were only a pinch hitter, Puddles! The Empress looks at him plaintively, "Louis, what's wrong with me?" Don't get me started - we're almost done with this show. He explains that she "overthinks" everything -- not a statement you can make about most residents of Melrose Place! Further, he says she's always trying to analyze who the perfect man would be instead of just letting things happen. As an exercise, he suggests she close her eyes and "think about [her] true love." Well, OK, but I'm sure we won't see Coop, since we'd have to pay him big bucks for a special guest appearance. She sees Michael, Kyle, and ... Peter, for real, who manages to softly intrude into Louis' office! At this, Lexi gets disgusted and busts out. Peter, unharried by this, desires to talk to Visconti about the downwardly spiralling Eve. "I think she's going off the deep end. Crackers. Nutzo. Bonkers." Bababooey. He asks the dear shrink to drop by the club that night and "casually" talk to her. Agreed.

At the Upstairs, world-renowned, jazz hall-of-famer, superstar Beth Nielsen Chapman is the act. <Long pause>. Who?? What the hell is this pablum? It's Sweeps Month, the series is going off the air, and the best that Spelling can come up with for musical guests is this chick and Living Valium himself, Michael Feinstein? Alien Eve, dressed in red, is giving nasty orders to her new underlings: "Wipe those tables before I make you BLEED!!" Remember, we're not paying you $4.25 an hour to look like pretty busboys... Puddles wanders over and tries to open up those hailing frequencies, but Eve is not in a good mood. Surprise. He smoothly persists, putting the onus on bad bad Peter, "I know how cruel Peter can be. Did I ever tell you about the cat o' nine tails and the strawberry jam? Oh, never mind." Eve relents and agrees to meet with him.

Back at 4616, which, by the way, is the average score of an NBA game this year, Wet Lips McBride walks in with the mail. "Hey, Terry, you got a notice from one of the schools you applied to." (Terry's been here for less than two weeks and she's already having mail rerouted from New York? I wish the Post Office worked that fast!) Treacherous Terry pooh-poohs it: "Oh, it's just another rejection. You can get rid of it." "No, it's bigger..." He opens it and sees that it's an acceptance, complete with job offer. "Terry, what's going on here? Have you been lying to me? Not that I would ever notice if you were, because I'm simple, but I'd just like to know." She says, "I love you, all right? I have always loved you!" Whitney Houston feels that she would have been betraying her sister's memory if she had said anything earlier, but "I can't keep my feelings buried any longer." Stop it with the pop lyrics, already! Ryan, for dramatic effect, turns around and talks to his intellectual superior, the wall: "I love Megan! I'm getting married to her in three days." When he turns back, Terry is naked! She then launches herself upon his puffy lips and -- of course -- Megan walks in the door without the use of a key at that moment! I think you can surmise that, no this is not a first in Melrose history. It's merely a sign to keep the Tums handy. Shocked and angered, Megan retreats, and Ryan follows behind her, saying (all together now) "It's not what it looked like!" You see, Treacherous Terry was seducing him, yet Megan wonders how Macho Dolt was unable to shake her off. (Good point!) Ryan complains that Megan doesn't trust him, she wonders how she possibly can, and they make their weekly vow to end the relationship. Where's Eve to make them BLEED?!

The next day, the ex-Baywatch bimbo goes to Megan's place and apologizes for her lewd and lascivious behavior. "I love Ryan, but he made it clear that he loves you very much. He needs that, and so does Sarah." Without the love of a family, of course, her blood will boil and she'll become Asphyxiana, demon priestess and sucker of large goats." Terry promises she's heading back on that next plane to New York, and begs for Megan's forgiveness for herself and Ryan. [Editors note here: Poughkeepsie is about 75 miles north of New York, and a world apart. They have actual farms! She may just as well be headed for South Dakota.]

In Dr. Puddles' office, Eve reminisces about the look she saw on Amanda's face as she hugged Peter. Alas, in a fit of recollection, she remembers now where she'd last seen it. 'Twas right after her trial -- but the man Amanda was hugging then was Mr. Demarr, "the father of the boy I supposedly killed." In a seamless fit of speculation, Eve begins to doubt that she even killed Klod! Doc suggests that Eve's subconscious is hiding something: for example, "Eve, why did you leave General Hospital? You had a good life there!" He recommends hypnosis. Eve doesn't like the sound of that. I do, because it opens up the possiblilty of supernatural occurences -- a nighttime soap phenomenon not seen since Dallas in 1992. "No way! You'll make me cluck like a chicken!", she anticlimactically responds.

In the hallway just outside, Lexi is trying to convince Michael to go into couples' therapy with her. He is five marriages too late for that. Therapy!? I wish Kimberly would return in "Crow" fashion, because there are folks in urgent need of lobotomies right now! The former Jailbird stalks out of Puddles' office with a nasty scowl. Michael is vindicated. "Ya see what happens when you go to Visconti!" The Empress, however, sees an opportunity: "What that woman needs is a friend." Do you believe that? Nah, neither did I.

Over at Kyle's Restaurant, Ryan announces a brand new job offer. He and Megan make up for the thousandth time and the wedding is back on. More than that, you needn't to know, and with just one episode left, I don't feel like giving the Lightswitch Couple more coverage. And neither does the lazy guy editing this paragraph.

Dr. Puddles, urinating (figuratively) on the doctrine of patient confidentiality, confronts Amanda (wow, we've gone a long time without the Queen this week!) and asks her about the alleged Demarr incident. She responds, "Foolish portly witch doctor! Who are you to question your superior?" Peter walks in: "I told him to, Mistress, uh, I mean, Amanda." Peter confesses that he's worried Eve's damaging behavior will land her back in prison and he needs some answers. Amanda begins to recite precisely the "official story" of how the Demarr boy tried to rape her and how Eve pushed him off the stands. Visconti coolly says, "Interesting. That's exactly what Eve said -- word for word." Amanda, caught off guard by someone actually standing up to her, says, "So! It must be true then," and she walks out, looking worried.

Everybody's "good friend" Lexi pays a social visit to Eve. She breaks the news that Tony Fish-Bait (get it? Marlin - Fish? huh?) had investigated her background and Amanda's. Lexi says, "Ah've seen the files, and it looks to me like you got a bad rap, sugah." Confused Eve says Amanda was good to her while she was in prison: "She visited me once a month for 15 years. She always brought Ring Dings and told me to stare at her pendant as she said, 'Eve, you did it' over and over again." "Maybe she felt guilty," replies the Empress. Suddenly, Eve's Polaroid brain kicks into black and white again, complete with camera flash humming sound! She "flashes" back to that fateful night, as Amanda warns her, "We have to get our story straight". Obey, slave! Eve sees herself rolling Kent Demarr's body into a trench, but she also sees a shadowy figure whose countenance she cannot discern. Lexi, envious of other characters' cool flashbacks, asks what she missed in Eve's fugue state. Eve relays the 15-year old hidden suppressions to her and adds that Dr. Visconti wants to hypnotize her tomorrow. Lexi is enthused: "You've got to show the world what an evil bitch Amanda really is!" Pot, meet kettle.

That night at Kyle's Restaurant, the McBride men and their clueless mates meet for dinner with Terry and the hellspawn that even bartender Moe could love. Little Demonia pleads, "Aunt Terry, can't you stay for the wedding? My time of Ascension is near!" "No, sweetie, I should go." She tearfully leaves the table (supposedly) on her way back to New York, and I'm half-expecting Saint Megan to say, "Oh, please, Terry, you can't go like this. Please stay and take advantage of my stupidity." Surprisingly, Megan stays put, and Terry leaves the restaurant, casting one ostensibly last glance at her family. Yes, HER family.

Amanda and Peter relax with some wine just like in the old days way back in '97. Peter says he doesn't want to cause any more pain, so he wants to be generous with Eve in the divorce settlement. Penny-wise, pound-foolish as always. The Queen says, "Can we forget about Eve for one evening, and focus on something else?" What could that something else be, but sex, of course! They start rolling around on the couch -- just as Eve struts down the hallway outside and knocks on their door. Getting no answer much like a Jehovah's Witness, she goes outside the building and walks around to their window. Amanda on the first floor? Preposterous! They start their panting and -- bingo! -- more black and white! Eve of 1983 walks through the designated school senior makeout area, and there's Amanda willingly getting her panties detached by Klod! Rape - not! Eve snaps out of it: "They cheated on me ... Amanda and Kent!" Can we be honest - does one really repress obvious, non-traumatic, easy-to-remember events like this? I think not. Unfortunately for ratings, Eve does not leap through the window and rip out anyone's larynxes -- we still have time for that.

Finally, the beach house! G.I. D'oh and his wet-lipped sibling stroll the beach discussing a topic they pretend to know about: women. Ryan notes how cozy Kyle and Jane are, to which Doy Boy replies by sighing dreamily, "This is different." Wet-Lips asks for clarification so Kyle explains, "I don't have to be anybody special. I can just be my normal idiot self. I can drive slow in the driveway. I eat nuts and gum. Wapner in five minutes..." Ryan understands completely because, guess what - that's EXACTLY how his relationship is with Megan and isn't everything just so great now that the show is going off the air and we can all love one another and get along. Oh, who am I fooling... toss me the Melrose Mints, on the double! Kyle gives Ryan this banal pearl of wisdom: "Don't keep secrets." Speaking of secrets (and irony), we cut to Jane, standing in her bathrobe inside the house staring at a pregnancy stick test with a confused look on her face. Directions on the box, honey! Even Billy could figure this out! She figures out the BIG BRIGHT LINE IN THE MIDDLE that wasn't there 5 minutes earlier means the test is positive and she is, indeed, pregnant. Thank God almighty, they can stop using camera tricks and hiding her belly behind sheetlike garb and oversized T-shirts. Kyle and Ryan tromp into the house so Jane drops the test in her pocket and listens as Doy Boy gives his brother some more advice: "Always be honest. Always clean your plate. Floss. Stretch. Etc." Ryan leaves, and Kyle turns to his latest doormat and asks if she agrees with him so naturally she concurs, hugs him and tells him NOTHING about what she's just discovered.

On to the good stuff. Psycho Cheerleader has returned to Dr. Puddles' office so she can lay on his couch, telling him how she's "losing her mind" as she tries to sort through all those jpeg and gif images in her head and figure out what's real and what's Memorex. She babbles about Amanda knocking boots with Klod and some garbage about secrets and lies. Now her thoughts are coming faster than a tennis ball server and she's starting to give ME a headache. Visconti tells her to "focus on this light", which instantly burns out her retinas. "I'm going to count to 10, and when I get to 10, you will be completely blind." As the hypnosis is complete, we are alerted to a voyeuristic book in Visconti's bookcase with a red flashing light on it. Michael and Lexi are locked away in some remote hospital broom closet enjoying "the show". Dr. Puddles instructs Eve to "go back to the night on the bleachers". Painfully to us, she regurgitates the whole "I Pushed Klod And Rolled Him In A Trench" rock opera which, if truly realized, could probably outsell Tommy, Quadrophenia, and Rush 2112 hands down. Eve relates how she hid under the bleachers for a long time and then saw a figure, but she still can't seem to make out who it is. Is it Jason? Freddy Krueger? No, it's just Teenage Amanda who obviously lied about going home. Eve is upset and distressed so Puddles prepares to abort the mission. He tells her she is going to "wake up slowly" and *poof!* her eyes pop open 2 seconds later. Can't waste time with dramatics here - the finale is close at hand. Visconti books Eve the following day and tells her to bring along a momento from "those days". Eve agrees, saying she "saved a few things". I just hope they aren't currently at the bottom of The Pool. From the confines of the broom closet, Lexi concurs with Dr. Puddles and tells Michael the key to bringing Eve's memories to the surface is momentos and location and they "don't need Visconti" anymore because, in addition to being an Interior Designer, Advertising Executive and Apartment Landlord, apparently Mood Hair is now a Psychiatrist. Michael is as confused as I am as to why Lexi cares because, after all, she did destroy Amanda's agency AND buy her building so the Empress explains how Amanda "isn't alone" and Peter is Lexi's "destiny". Michael throws a temper tantrum and tells her "We're through!" as he goes to leave but when she replies with a lackluster, "Alright" he changes his tune and tells her they aren't "through through" and I guess what that means is that they're still engaged but "need time apart". Whatever. Lexi echoes my sentiments as she sighs, "OKbye" (all one word) and makes a hasty exit.

Elsewhere in the hospital it's the Tedious Twins of Tumult Peter and Amanda. I wish they were named Tom and Tamara. Now I'll have to make this concise so the 'hurting' will stop. Dr. Smooth is looking at what appears to be the exact same x-rays of Kimberly's skull 2 years ago when the Queen enters asking why he summoned her there. Peter replies, "I've got a proposition for you" and then slams his lips against hers before asking if she'd like to be the new "Director Of Public Relations" at the hospital. This will be followed by appointing Michael as Ethics Director. Amanda notes the obvious -- that she knows squat about hospitals -- but, given that Lexi knows nothing period yet she's made a pretty decent living so far, I don't see ignorance as a major stumbling block. Peter kisses her again just as some intern-looking girl with greasy hair enters looking for Peter and interrupts them. Peter explains he's "conducting a job interview" so Greasy Intern Girl makes a quick exit instead of telling him what she wanted and I suppose I shouldn't let it get to me and should just be grateful this scene is over.

Wet Lips and Clueless have just finished tucking in the demon child when the lights suddenly go out, the walls start to bleed and Sarah starts speaking in tongues. Hey I'm only kidding!! I gotta do something to liven up this boredom. Work with me! Megan is going to go home because she can't be with Ryan on the night before their wedding because of tradition. Maybe I'm mistaken but I think that tradition is really only for the benefit of people who haven't once had sex with virtually EVERY MAN IN LOS ANGELES but that's just me. Ryan frantically asks in the finale spirit, "What if there's a tornado? Or what if I have a stroke?" Or what if my daughter grows 20 feet overnight and steps on me? I'm scared... hold me." There's a knock at the door and it's the Tedious Twins who have come to give the Lightswitch Couple their wedding present because they aren't coming to the wedding to which it appears no one was invited to anyway since Megan was too busy whining to send out the invitations. They explain that it would be uncomfortable with Kyle & Jane being there. Ryan proves he has the common sense of a lug nut by agreeing wholeheartedly with them and then telling them they should come to the reception as if the EXACT SAME PEOPLE who were at the ceremony aren't going to be the same people at the reception. But stupid is as stupid answers. Peter and Amanda will come to the reception after all - probably for that big mass murder scene the producers are planning. They agree that bygones should be bygones and hope that Eve will eventually come to the same conclusion and I'm just hoping Richard Fish from "Anorexia McBeal" doesn't sue them for stealing his lines.

And where's Eve? Well I'm glad you asked because this next scene is a bit frightening and you might need someone to hold your hand. Eve has saved more than a FEW mementos from school. Well it appears she saved EVERYTHING as the next thing we see is the camera panning very slowly along the dimly lit living room floor at Eve's apartment where she's spread out her pom-poms, newspaper articles, photographs, yearbooks and other miscellaneous items much the same way Bob Geldof did in Pink Floyd's "The Wall". Another rock opera by the way. Fortunately for us she hasn't shaved off her eyebrows or cut her nipples. She has, however, dressed herself in her cheerleader outfit complete with pigtails and some ghastly looking "Barbie 'n Me" lipstick that looks like it was applied by Sarah. As Eve sits on the floor meticulously cutting the Queen out of every picture she's in, Peter knocks on the door and starts to enter but stops when Amanda comes up behind him to remind him "we don't live here anymore". Since when has that ever stopped her? As Peter closes the door, we see Eve emerge from the shadows behind the door clutching her scissors. Outside, Lexi approaches her ex-tenants and asks if she can help them but they explain they were "just leaving" so the Empress quickly retorts, "It looks like you were just breaking and entering." They make a quick exit so Lexi takes this opportunity to peek in through Eve's blinds and is horrified to see the catatonic cheerleader looking out. She rushes in and after the obligatory, "You poor, sick baby" and "Amanda did this to you", she gently tells Eve that she can stay in the Lair of The Empress tonight. Realizing this hasn't fazed Zombie Girl one iota, Lexi smiles and tells her, "There'll always be another pep rally, ok?" Eve's head turns until her blank stare lands somewhere in the vicinity of Lexi's face and she nods in agreement.

The following morning finds Eve having breakfast at Lexi's and looking more like Eve and less like something from "Return Of The Living Dead". Lexi is doing a great job of playing nursemaid to the Little Satanic Cheerleader Who Lost Her Way. When Eve thanks her for being so wonderful Lexi warmly replies, "That's what friends are for." There is no breaking out into song because, thankfully, neither Elton nor Dionne are hiding in the closet. There is little time to develop the newfound insta-friendship between these two crazies because the finale is 20 minutes plus a week away. Now we have to cram as much stuff as possible into each second of every show as if the producers and writers and directors must be saying "oh MAY 25, I though you said JUNE 25!" You know, there was a silent abyss of pain and annoyance known as SEASON 6, occupied by useless pawns called Taylor, Jen, Craig, and Coop, during which I'm sure they could have spread some of this out, but I digress. Eve reminds Lexi she has to go mind meld with Dr. Puddles and the more she talks, the more congested she sounds as if her sinuses are flooding with evil and suddenly went on strike. Lexi tells Snot Girl how she thinks Visconti's hypnosis is "messing with your head" and suggests Eve eliminate the middle man and take a trip to Oakhurst to remember whatever it is she's suppressing. Eve is against the idea, aware of the torched mob awaiting her soul to return. Nevermind the fact she was there twice in the past 3 months and NOTHING NEW resurfaced during either of those trips but hey -- those weren't the second-to-last episode -- so screw the logic! Lexi volunteers to go with Eve and tells her, "You find out what happened... and we'll make Amanda pay." A very sinister grin slowly makes its way across Eve's face.

At the hospital, Visconti tracks Burns and tells him that Eve missed her appointment and, because he "fears for her safety" he's breaking patient confidentiality. Escorting Peter to an empty hallway, Louis tells Peter how he hypnotized Eve "back to that fateful day 15 years ago" and for a split second I thought perhaps the ghost of Tony Marlin would make a brief encore appearance. Peter snaps, "Cut the melodrama!" so Puddles gets to the point, which is that Eve remembers the Queen being there that night after Eve pushed Klod into the trench. Peter doesn't buy it and reminds him how "unstable" Eve is right now as if someone who just had her whole world literally ripped out from underneath her without a moment's notice should be a pilar of strength. Whatever, Peter, you're just starting to get on my nerves! Visconti agrees, but pleads with Peter, "Look, I've worked on this show on and off for years with never so much as a real storyline and now they want me to wrap this up all nice and tidy before next week so if you could help me I'd really appreciate it and, oh, by the way, Amanda was there." A visibly shaken Peter NOW looks convinced.

Well, I guess Megan didn't send out any wedding invitations because she's standing on the beach with Ryan, Sarah, Jane, Kyle, a minister and some flowers. Not since Sydney married Michael have I seen such a pathetic scene. Oh yeah, where Homer Simpson's robe flies up - that's right forgot that one.... Ahem, the minister asks the Hooker Emeritus, dressed in white, if she takes Ryan, in sickness and in health, in slobbering and in burping, til finale or death, whichever comes first, do you part. Then she does this weird thing where she pauses, smirks, then looks at Demonia, then at Ryan and finally smiles and says, "I do." Talk about milking a scene for all it's not worth. The minister pronounces them married and tells them "you may kiss" which sounds alienating and incomplete. Kyle steps over to Jane who puts her arms around him and sighs, "Hold me."

Peter meets Amanda for lunch on the patio at Kyle's where she launches into some happy banter about how she needs an ad budget of $100K but it's obvious Peter is preoccupied so she asks him what's wrong. He wants to talk about "the Demarr boy" which instantly annoys Amanda so she snaps, "Why are we talking about this again? This is old news." Right, we don't have any time to waste being this close to the finale. Chop! Chop! Peter details Eve's therapy and how, under hypnosis, she remembered Amanda being "where the body was dumped". Amanda exasperatedly tells him Eve was either "hallucinating or lying because I was never at the trench." Junior Joe Detective is quick to point out he never mentioned THE TRENCH, but Amanda retorts that such info is common knowledge via the public trial. Peter, now appearing to get lip care pointers from Ryan and again resembling the pop star Jack Wagner we love from the 1980's, tells her Visconti is trying to help "recover Eve's repressed memory". So it'd be cool if she tried to remember things and not at all the least bit ridiculous or unbelievable given the fact she's already been caught lying about the entire scenario for the past 15 years. But Amanda is our Queen which she shows us faithful followers as she spouts this week's mantra again: "Kent tried to rape me, Eve pushed him and I ran home." She vows that's the last time she'll tell that story and storms into the restaurant.

In Oakhurst, Eve and Lexi are walking along behind the bleachers having what appears to be one of those "Summer's Eve" kind of commercial moments. Remember the last time Eve was there, how all the cops and the Coalition Against Cheerleaders appeared like instantly. Now in broad daylight it appears the public has forgotten. Eve explains how Amanda had met Klod there after the game to give him the heave-ho (think about that one). After that, a fight ensued which is where Eve got involved and... you know... Eve suddenly realizes she's at THE SPOT and points to the ground where they were laying pipe (I mean drainage, not sewer), thus creating THE TRENCH. As she once again returns to the land of black & white flashbacks, she now doesn't remember much and may very well have been in shock. But, no! Suddenly, she sees Amanda again, only this time she's *IN* the trench, standing over Kent. As she raises a huge rock over her head, Klod's hands reach up in an attempt to stop her but it's all in vain as Amanda brings the rock crashing down on his skull. Eve recounts all this to Lexi and repeats her new mantra which is, "Kent was alive! Amanda came back! I didn't kill him! I am good enough, smart enough and, doggone it, people like me!" Back in the technicolor world of 1999, Eve calmly states that she should have never gone to prison and sighs, "I should have been the Special Guest Star all this time..."

Megan and Ryan are in the driveway of the beach house getting ready to leave Demonia with her Uncle D'oh and Aunt Doormat for five days as they go on their honeymoon. What - no reception - no confrontations or instant divorces? Jane hugs Megan and gushes how she's "so happy" for her. Megan comments, "When you find the right guy, you gotta do whatever it takes to keep him, even if that means pushing him away for months and then letting him in and forgiving him for his repeated infidelity and then getting engaged so you can break up and sleep with your ex's and break lamps over each other's head." Jane smiles sheepishly at Kyle and says, "I have to tell you something," but before she can announce her pregnancy, they're interrupted by Terry who snatches Sarah and puts her in the back of her car. Ryan tries to approach Terry but she hops in the car and speeds off so Lip Boy hops in his "Just Married" car and chases her. Terry shows Demonia this great little number she's rehearsed where her personality changes each time she turns her head. When she turns her head to the right to look at Sarah, she's happy and chipper and loves her niece. But when she turns her head back to the left to look at the road, she's hysterical, upset, angry, and babbling incoherently. Right: "I missed you so much, Sarah." Left: "I can't talk right now because I'm a fugitive here." She dodges traffic with Ryan close behind until she spends a little too long on "Right" that when she turns back to "Left" she runs through a barrier and slams into a telephone pole. Ryan jumps out and runs to the car as we quickly fade to black. Look familiar? Does history indeed repeat itself?

--written by Ken and Stacie, edited by Anthony

THE FINAL EPISODE! Since they didn't show any upcoming scenes, I'll just reiterate what the announcer said: "No matter what you've heard, nothing will prepare you for the end of an era. Every confrontation, every relationship, ever Melrose moment has all led up to this. Be there for the television event." Actually, while he's saying all this they're doing this rapid fire of all these great scenes from the past 7 years and then they show 10 scenes from the finale in such rapid sequence that I had to literally slow my VCR down and watch it frame-by-frame to get it. Ready? Here goes: Peter is standing with Amanda and Peter looks both surprised and scared; Jane has poofy hair and looks distraught; Kyle dangles a necklace; Megan holds a crying Sarah as they stand by Kyle's van looking at something, presumably Aunt Terry's car; Amanda looks serious; Ryan smiles and looks like he's dreaming about pie; Lexi, wearing only a bra and panties, is bound and gagged in a bathtub; Eve raises something over Michael's head; Eve cries from behind white bars of some kind; a house is blazing out of control while a man walks calmly in front of it.