Tonight's show begins with a barage of clips from last season to jog everyone's memory and I'd like to thank the powers-that-be for those clips because I've been so fried the past few weeks I can't even remember my co-workers' names.

We begin our show whisked away, Dynasty-style, to the lovely Dominican Republic (herein referred to as DR). Thus, we are either looking for Amanda or searching for Jeff Baylor's replacement in the outfield. Pan to one of those deadly sports utility vehicles pulling up on the beach front - wait a minute, what the hell is Matt doing down here? Oh wait, it's just Amanda and Rory. Amanda - wearing her standard divorce attire of skin-tight black leather pants - gets out of the car to stare blankly at the beach while a Melrosian flashback sequence lets us know she's remembering her last trip there with last year's "Flavor Of The Month" Kyle. Of course, the dulcet tone of Rory's voice brings her back to reality. He asks her what she was thinking about and, instead of being honest and telling him, "We're not even 5 minutes into the Season Premiere and already they're relying on OLD FOOTAGE!" she instead makes up some bunk about not having any bad memories and walks back to the car.

A frustrated Kyle stops by an equally frustrated Jennifer's apartment where the two commiserate like a country duet, alternating lines. Kyle bitches about Taylor's secret while Jen bitches about loving Billy and really all this scene needs is a fat lady singing soprano to make it a full-fledged opera. After about a minute of their tennis-style complaining, they each realize neither of them is listening to the other and who can blame them. Kyle believes Taylor is close to confessing her scheme but he needs Jen's help. Jen insists he save his hopes for Amanda and get his ass down to the DR. Kyle feels he must prove to Amanda that the death of "Mecha-Christine" wasn't her fault, thus the importance of his continued charade with Taylor. Jen agrees to help which, by her own track record, means she'll soon be bed-buddies with Amanda.

With all the comings and goings this season, I was actually looking forward to the opening credits. However, Stacie has been apparently working harder on her web page than the MP producers have been on that opening credit sequence. They didn't change a thing - same crap. Even 90210 changed their theme song at least once! And *still* with that annoying "Special Guest Star". I want that explained before I pass on or before the Mets win the World Series.

Peter is looking mighty rough in his shredded clothing as he hobbles to his condo entrance. Lexi opens the door and is aghast at his appearance so the good doctor explains how he was away with his inner self on vacation at some hideaway mountain fishing area when Michael came to visit unannounced, made Peter fall down a slope and break some bones, then ultimately "saved Peter's life" by dragging Burnsy to the Bar and Grill. For the record, neither of the two was made to squeal like a pig. Lexi apologizes for disclosing Peter's whereabouts to Michael but Peter isn't angry. He declares he was "out of line" with Coop and that his trip was a "catharsis" for him. Peter then follows Lexi inside where they presumably make hot monkey love on the kitchen counter.

Sam, however, is losing her touch. Sitting at their breakfast table, she's having a hard time convincing Billy she's on the phone with someone other than Jeff. Ya gotta be able to lie on a liar's show. So, if she isn't talking to Jeff, who *is* she talking to? Amanda's painter. Certainly she can do better than this. A pleading Sam begs Billy to believe she's severed all ties with Baseball Boy but Billy dispenses with the pretense and the acting and tells her, "I don't like you very much now." Welcome to "Camp DUH" Billy - go find a bunk bed.

Back at the Mayo Clinic or whatever it's called, Mike's name is going back on the door. Payback for saving Burns' life. His new/old/new partner Coop ain't too pleased, and doesn't like Mike's snide remarks either. But after threatening Mike's necktie, Coop backs off and tells Megan "I'm not gonna let him get to me, I'm just gonna get him." I want the copyright for that A.S.A.P. Mike needs an office, of course, and takes Megan's. He solves the "where does she sit" problem by demoting her to receptionist. Megan, however, does NOT use the Coop line and instead quits.

We revert to DR and Rory sips a drink at a tiki bar obviously frequented by former stars of the soap opera "Santa Barbara" and TV classic "Fantasy Island". He comments on the adjoining lady's lovely ring, which she obtained as "severence pay from her third husband". I would have commented on those two other things jutting out, but that's just me. Not bad for a 50-ish broad. Amanda walks over and kills the rap. By the way the Mets are winning 7-3. A hotel attendant informs Rory he has a phone call. He takes the phone. We learn through osmosis that the caller, "Eddie", wants Rory to fork over another 50K soon, "or lose everything". I hope this isn't a secret plan because Rory's really yelling at this point. The call terminates in "the hell with you" and a perverse beating to an innocent classic phone.

Jen floats into "Kyle's" and tells Taylor how happy Kyle appears to be lately. That's always a hint. When she happily tells Taylor, "I guess congratulations are in order!" Taylor is shocked that Kyle told her about the pregnancy. Relax - we would've figured it out eventually, especially when the director starts shooting you only from the chest up or while wrapped in leopard print sheets. That spread in Playboy didn't hurt either. Jen implies, in too many words, that Kyle may NOT be willing to marry Taylor after all. Wha--? Did he get smart or something? Say it isn't so! Jen continues her girl talk by revealing that Kyle feels Taylor is holding back some information, perhaps concerning Mecha-Christine. Jen, again leading off with her tradewark "You know, if I were you" schtick, urges Taylor to spill the beans or at least make something up. She closes with "but that's just me.." - another one of my favorites - before skipping back upstairs.

And then it's back to the DR. Incidentally, we get no Frequent Flyer miles for this. Rory wishes to get even drunker on some champagne but Amanda refuses to join his pity party and tells him to snap out of his funk as she heads to the shower. Rory gets on the phone (one he hasn't assaulted) and tells Eddie he CAN get the dough by the end of the week after all. Hey Rory - get me 2 Powerball tickets while you're at it! Then it's off with the clothes and into the shower to make love to the cash cow.

Sam returns home a bit tardy and uses a simple, "traffic was unbearable" line as an excuse. Naturally, it doesn't work on Billy. He hands Sam a letter which she tries to discard as junk mail (ironically, she may be correct). Billy takes the liberty of opening and reading the letter - which turns out to be from Jeff - aloud, forcing Sam to sit down and listen. As if all this weren't punishment enough, it appears Billy is illiterate as he stumbles over every single word while he attempts to sound them out. The emasculating, "You said you never felt this way with Billy" line sends the adrenaline rushing. Billy launches into a tirade of quite better acting, culminating in, "How could you do this to me?! This is sick!!" I was impressed... seriously.

At the hospital, where she belongs, Taylor hears it from Michael about the futility of telling the truth to Kyle. Take it from the source honey! "Truth doesn't bring happiness", says Mike. "How would you know?", Lips asks. "Because I'm a guy!!" He hit it! Mike believes that Kyle is really looking for a way out of responsibility for the baby.

Peter is in Dr. I-Forgot-His-Name's office thanking the doc for the use of his cabin. He utilizes the word "great" seven times in descibing his current life situation. Shrink-Alert!!! Burnsy then comes clean and complains that everyone is getting things in life while he gets nothing, "big fat zippo". Listen douche, if I was getting "big you-what-whatted zippo Lexi" on a regular basis, I wouldn't be at a shrink or in the country!! Huff! But Peter admits finally that he is upset that Amanda is in the DR with Rory and agrees to chat with the shrink.

Speaking of which, Rory wants Amanda to try on a ring but she refuses. Rory then says he'll slow down if she wants but then declares his feelings for her about as convincingly as David Leisure on Empty Nest. Amanda doesn't buy it.

Jen confronts Billy at the Upstairs. In a nutshell, she comes right out and says she loves him. "That's a hollow word", says Bogart. He wants Jen to come clean if she has any secrets. Jen smartly admits she knew all about Samantha's extramaritals, even telling Billy of the little awards-night scandal (which worked out good for him). Billy then gets up to see how Sam is doing on tonight's dinner date.

Fireworks explode in the sky. Is this "Love American Style"? No, it's "Divorce Dominican Republic Style". Rory and Amanda are wandering around a carnival when he drags her in to see a fortune teller. Amanda sits down, picks the cards - the whole bit. The fortune teller then proceeds to summarize the Amanda character perfectly, adding that she needs "a lifelong friend" - someone to watch over her when others envy her. Amanda picks up on the obvious snow-job but is amused instead of annoyed and compliments Rory accordingly.

Billy tries spying on Samantha at her dinner date, but he can't even do that properly. As soon as he gets bored and pulls away, our resident Derek Jeter (Jeff) pulls in - to a parking spot of course. He runs out, grabs Sam and tells her he loves her. They embrace, they kiss, why elaborate.

Kyle comes in to see Taylor in the restaurant kitchen. They make out, and SHE wants to do it. HE says he wants her to be honest for once. (Isn't it usually the other way around in real life). She is hiding something and he knows it. Kyle's prying is useless, although she makes slip with the "MY BABY, er OUR BABY" line. Kyle only gets suspicious because the soundtrack music kicks in. She leaves and an unsatisfied Kyle abruptly clears some unnecessary items from a shelf sending pots and pans everywhere. Despite the fact that Taylor - who has proved in the past she has high-pitched dog-like hearing - left only seconds before Kyle's tirade, somehow she manages not to hear a thing.

It's morning in the "Blonde Haired Blue Eyed House Of Happiness" (their motto: we'll make you so nauseated with sweetness before your first cup of coffee you'll most definitely want to stab us in the eye with a fork!). Coop is standing in the kitchen telling an invisible Megan how he thinks she should stay home and raise kids. Excuse me? Am I the only one who doesn't see this happening? Obviously not because Megan comes flittering out of the bedroom wearing a black outfit obviously stolen from Jen's closet - the same woman responsible for getting Megan her latest job. Seeing her, Coop isn't too thrilled with the idea of drunk men groping Megan at work but finally drops his objections after they each confess how "crazy in love" they are with the other. Now... where's that fork...

Jennifer and Kyle bump into each other while exiting their respective apartments so Jen takes the opportunity to grill Kyle about his progress with Taylor. A frustrated Kyle tells her his plan didn't work and he's on his way to drump her. Jen wishes him luck and leaves as Kyle pauses to knock on Taylor's door. Taylor - who has miraculously gained about 3 months worth of pregnancy overnight - answers the door and invites Kyle in. Kyle proceeds to dump Taylor explaining that he can't shake the feeling she's hiding something from him regarding Mecha-Christine. This prompts Taylor to finally spill the beans regarding the entire Christine/Nick/not-Christine story from the ugly beginning which involved her sleeping with Nick the Mutant King and ending with the creation of Christine Pancake. Finishing her story, she breathes a deep sigh and tells Kyle "what a relief" it is to finally get that out in the open. However, instead of getting the love and forgiveness she so stupidly expected, she instead gets a disgusted Kyle telling her, "You are evil and you make me sick." He also tells her he knows the baby isn't his and has known all along. He storms out of the apartment with a hysterical Taylor running behind him yelling, "I'm nothing without you!" Kyle - as if reading my mind - replies, "You're nothing period" and walks out of the courtyard.

Jeff is at home lugging around a couple duffle bags when there's a knock at his door. Is it Avon? Pizza boy? Landshark? No, it's resident nuisance Jennifer who is there to make one last attempt at reuniting Jeff and Sam so she and Billy can run off into la-la land together. She confesses she's been sleeping with Billy and tells Jeff he should be the one to tell Jennifer because, after all, it's "all the ammo he needs". Jeff calmly tells her he's given up on Sam and he's not interested in anymore of Jen's plans as he escorts her out of the house. Jen, however, won't give up as she compares love to a boxing match: "That's what love is all about - getting in the ring with Mike Tyson and coming out with all your limbs intact!" Unimpressed, Jeff shuts the door in her face.

At the Upstairs, Michael is getting drunk when he notices Megan working there. Not one to let the chance to make a public ass out of himself slip by, he stands up and tells everyone in the bar what a lousy waitress Megan is. As Megan grabs him by the necktie - a trick she obviously learned from her boyfriend - he slips up and makes a comment about Dr. Lerner (the slime from Philadelphia who almost raped her last season). Infuriated, Megan uses this piece of information to blackmail Michael into behaving. She agrees not to tell Coop but reminds Michael that, should a time come when she does share this with Coop, Michael will lose his practice, his hospital job and will be back in the city running another "'Hood Healthcare" clinic. This seems to sober Michael up enough to shut up and leave her alone.

Now we're in the harbor and as the camera pans slowly across all the boats, we're forced to listen to Lexi moaning and telling Peter what a great lover he is. Finally the camera makes it into their bedroom where Lexi has a really good case of "Just Had Sex" hair as she kisses Peter all over his body. Peter, on the other hand, looks about as enthused as a piece of dead wood. Again, I must ask - he's bagging a babe like this and he thinks he's "getting zip"?

Kyle calls Amanda in the DR to inform her he's got the dirt on Taylor and Mecha-Christine and is on his way down there. Amanda angrily tells him not to waste his money and not to ever call her again before hanging up on him. She then walks out to the sofa and tells Rory she needs some champagne and if this is how their marriage is going to start, do they really stand a snowball's chance in Hell of making it more than 2 weeks? Actually, this might be the perfect marriage for Melrose. As if reading my mind, Rory tells Amanda he knows she doesn't love him but also knows they can give each other what they need. In her case, that would include a "friend she can trust" as well as great sex. For him, however, it's just great sex. Amanda jumps on top of Rory, tells him they have a "deal", and proceeds to suck the lips right off his face.

Hey look it's Sydney! Seems she is going to show up on 90210 this season to raise a little hell. Finally, a decent trade - Jason Priestly for Laura Leighton. Sounds good to me...

Peter is lying on Dr. Who's-He-What's-It's sofa lamenting about how Lexi "isn't the one". The doc then asks if there's another woman in Peter's life or if he fantasizes about someone other than Lexi. Whoa, doc, that's more information that I needed. Just the thought of Peter playing "Yanky My Wanky" creates an image *I'll* have to go into therapy to erase. Peter confesses he sometimes fantasizes about Amanda and that he thinks about her all the time. Suddenly it dawns on him. "That's it! I'm still in love with her!" Woohoo 2 points for Bobo the Circus Boy.

Rory is talking with Tattoo's long-lost cousin regarding private beaches he can spend his honeymoon on. The man informs Rory that there are several isolated islands that require a boat to get to and have nothing in the way of nutrition or indoor plumbing. Rory thinks this is perfect and hands the man a $100 bill to ensure his silence.

Michael and Cooper are arguing about Lord-knows-what when it escalates into a shoving match. Lucky for them, the Almighty Megan shows up just in time to screech, scream, cry and break up the fight. Asking for an explanation, Coop informs her how Michael just spent $5000 on a piece of equipment he insists they don't need at the office. Megan looks at Michael sternly, silently reminding him of her threat, and suggests Michael wait a few weeks to get settled in before making such big decisions. Michael agrees, apologizes to Coop and walks away leaving a very bewildered Coop wondering how the hell Megan pulled that off since he's positive he didn't see her blink her eyes or wiggle her nose. Megan explains, "We have an understanding" and then escorts him out to lunch.

And will the madness never end? Sam arrives home to find Jeff standing at her front door waiting for her. Annoyed, she tells him Billy is right behind her and he needs to leave but he refuses. Sure enough, Billy walks in, sees Jeff and Sam and fires off a few more nasty remarks about infidelity which is ironic given that's exactly what Jeff has come to discuss. He tells Sam about Billy's affair with Jennifer which causes Sam to explode. She screams, "You hypocrite!" in Billy's face, enters her apartment with both men close behind and orders Jeff to pack her bags while she goes upstairs. Billy, however, won't allow Jeff into his bedroom so a push/shove/pretend fight breaks out. Meanwhile, Sam pounds on Jen's door until she finally comes out. Once confronted with Sam's latest discovery, Jen happily says, "I'm so relieved this is out in the open." Funny... I think I remember Taylor saying that exact same thing earlier this episode and it backfiring in her face. Sam pounces on Jen and the two struggle dangerously close to the railing but, unfortunately, neither one of them goes over. Downstairs, Billy and Jeff pause long enough to realize their beloved Sam is upstairs fighting. Billy gives Jeff one last punch in the face before running upstairs to peel his wife off Jennifer. He shouts at Sam and tells her it's their own fault their marriage went down the toilet. With that he escorts Jen away, leaving Jeff to comfort Sam. He tells her to move in with him but she has other ideas. "I just want to be alone," she tells him as she pushes him away and walks downstairs.

Michael is in his car cruising along listening to an affirmation cassette and repeating "I am invincible!" as if his ego needs any help. Luckily, Taylor calls to interrupt this nonsense. She tells Michael, "I just called to say goodbye. Thanks for being my only friend." With that she hangs up leaving Michael to the next affirmation: I am a deceiptful lying worthless dog wilderbeast with a bad haircut.

See Amanda. See Rory. See the generic preacher pronounce them husband and wife. See Kyle come running in just as Rory goes to kiss the bride.

Taylor is still sitting in her car parked under a bridge. Slowly she finishes putting on her lip gloss and fixing her hair, pauses to look at her stomach, and then turns the ignition. Naturally, suicide is at hand here, but in case anyone needs specific directions, the MP producers have taken the time to show a garden hose attached to the exhaust pipe and leading into Taylor's window.

--written by Anthony and Stacie, edited by Stacie

Kyle punches Rory and tells Amanda she's not responsible for Christine's death as he's escorted away by security; Peter tells Lexi he's still in love with Amanda so Lexi punches him and tells him to "get out!"; Rory tells Amanda to give him half of her agency but she refuses - shortly thereafter he drugs her drink

IN THREE WEEKS: Josie Bissett returns!