After last week's flashbacks, which include a glimpse of Sam and Jennifer's strangely unsatisfying catfight, we pick up where we left off at Taylor's car under the pier. Considering all the dizzying red and blue trails following every motion, either I need to up my Ritalin or it's 3D Night on FOX. A shadowy figure approaches Taylor's car - is it the Cigarette Smoking Man? Della Reese? Ghost Dad? No, it's Michael! He yanks Taylor out of the car, administers rescue breathing, and (after some unattractive coughing by Taylor) reads her the riot act, reminding her that there's a child inside her and that it's her destiny to go pose in Playboy. Poor Taylor misunderstands and thinks that Michael's talking about their future together, which I really hope does not involve a Playboy layout. After some more unattractive coughing, we see that Taylor's rescuer is really the tow truck man, but strangely enough, she doesn't seem too concerned about *their* destiny.

Meanwhile, down in the Dominican Republic, we get to watch Kyle bust up Amanda's wedding and throw Rory across the room again, which is something I don't mind watching more than once. Unfortunately, rather than talking fast and giving Amanda the full lowdown on the Christine situation, Kyle babbles on about how Amanda needs to stop punishing herself and is hauled away by the wedding chapel security goons. Jarhead gone, Rory plants a big one on Amanda and says "It's over." Over? I thought they'd only just begun...

At the Upstairs, Jennifer is living it up in La-La Land as she serves up coffee to a sour-looking Billy while babbling on about being dumped as a kid. Billy complains that his life has turned into a bad FOX disaster special and wants to know why he never sees these things coming. That's easy - because you're Billy Campbell, King Idiot Boy of Melrose Place, with the IQ of bathtub mildew. Jen tells him all this thinking makes her head hurt (nah... too easy) and suggests they "run away for the day". She then challenges Billy to a smiling contest (he loses) and urges him to hold her as I run to the medicine cabinet in search of the Pepto Bismol.

Oh no... a mystery man being shown only from the knees down enters a hospital room while creepy music plays - could this signify the rebirth of good storylines? Sadly, no - it's just Michael sneaking up on Taylor for real this time. After waking her up by shining a light in her face, they begin an awfully cavalier conversation about her suicide attempt. Their irritating conversation centers around Taylor's dream/hallucination/fantasy/3D/delusion/whatever from the previous night with Michael unsuccessfully telling Taylor not to read too much into this. He then tells her he's checking her out under his name and strongly suggests she go home and "get a new lease on life". I myself think she should just move out and get a new lease on an apartment. As Michael leaves the room, Taylor gets all googly-eyed as she realizes her new reason for living is Michael. What?! If that's what happens when you overdose on carbon-monoxide remind me never to ride in a Pinto again.

Hey! Lexi is not only dressed but out of the condo, only to find that her office is being raided by the FBI. Lexi sounds like she has something caught in her throat as her lawyer explains how her father embezzled $5 million from the company and that she'll go to jail unless they straighten this out in a week. Man, if this isn't incentive to stay home in your jammies, I don't know what is. Judging from the look on Lexi's face, she's thinking the exact same thing and wondering where she put the phone number to order a pair of her very own Ally McBeal PJ's.

Jennifer answers the phone at the jazz club and it's Kyle needing bail money after his Punk-tossing expedition at Amanda's wedding. Jennifer asks if she should call Amnesty International as she pats her throat anxiously which makes me think she needs to call the pulmonary specialist or perhaps the gastroenterologist. Kyle replies that $500 wired to the Dominican Republic Jail for Ex-Husbands of Special Guest Stars will suffice.

Rory and Amanda literally wash up on the shore of their deserted honeymoon island. Amanda is being a real pill despite Rory's forced enthusiasm and is anyone else confused about why she agreed to marry this clown in the first place? She admits being preoccupied with Kyle's statement about her not being responsible for Christine's death until Rory points out the obvious - that Kyle has been repeating that mantra for weeks. Amanda flippantly comments, "I'm so tired of desperate, lovesick men" to which Rory provides the perfect comeback: "Lucky for you, I'm none of those things." So true - her 4th husband is anything but a man. Amanda announces that she won't stay on the island more than one night and Rory ominously agrees that "one night is plenty of time." Time for what? Time to check in with the Clue Police I do believe.

Peter's back at the shrink and is all a-bubble with his realization that his love for Amanda is the root of all his problems. The shrink, being better trained than most of the other doctors on this show, informs Peter that this explanation is just a bit too simplistic and actually creates a new problem since Amanda has moved on to someone else. (Actually, two someone elses, but who's counting?) Ever the optimist, Peter thinks that telling Lexi about his feelings for Amanda will help get his life back in order. As viewers across America shout "No, it won't!", the shrink attempts to reason with Peter, unsuccessfully, as Peter fires him and bounces out the door.

Nighttime at Peter and Lexi's condo and Peter doesn't seem too concerned that Lexi's drinking alone in the dark "admiring the view". View of what - the wall?. Then again, he's not even five paces inside the door before he's guzzling his own drink. Ignoring the obvious clues that something's wrong (no wonder Kimberly's therapy sessions went so poorly), he proceeds to tell Lexi that he's still in love with Amanda. She in turn proceeds to punch him in the face and throw him out and I'm forced to take back what I just said about Peter being a lousy therapist because that's got to feel good on so many levels. Lexi sinks to the floor, crying, and I feel vaguely sad too because this scene could have used some nice swear words but we won't get any since this is network TV.

Rory is schmoozing Amanda on their private "Discount Harry's Beach" and he's pulling out all the stops - candles, tiki torches (uh-oh this can't be a good sign - remember Jane?) and champagne. Amanda continues to be all snippy and I'm so tired of her crankiness I wish Rory would go ahead and kill her already. He asks his bride if the place is "growing on her" yet and, given the condition of the dump, I'd imagine several things are growing on each of them by now. He leans in to kiss her but Amanda pulls away - since there's no running water with which to brush his teeth, there's no telling what kind of monster breath he has. Amanda expresses her concern that Rory is trying to get her to fall in love with him with all his honeymoon plans but Rory stoically insists he understands their marriage is just a "partnership". Elaborating on this concept, Rory suggests Amanda give him half of her company because with a "sharp guy like him on board" she will make tons and tons of money. When Amanda informs him such an arrangement will never happen, Rory tells her she'll "regret" her decision. Amanda flippantly agrees and wanders off to test the "shower rig" while Rory tops off her champagne with some drugs.

And what exactly *IS* going on at her company while she's away? From the looks of it, not alot. A very somber Samantha enters an equally serious looking Billy's office and approaches the subject of divorce. Billy informs her he's already talked to his lawyer and it will take 6 months. Excuse me? Since when does a divorce on an Aaron Spelling show take more than 5 minutes? Billy then asks if Sam is moving in with Jeff but she's not ready for such a drastic change. She then asks the same about Billy and Jen and he explains they're still "in shock". Yeah... I imagine the whole idea of marriage, infidelity and baseball are a bit much to handle. Let's all go back to the days of bombs, multiple personalities and shady business deals. Billy insists Sam take the apartment since he's obviously not going to get anywhere in life by apartment hopping in the same complex for 7 years. Sam accepts his offer and quietly leaves.

Since Peter never knows when to leave well enough alone, the morning finds him knocking on Lexi's door with newspaper in hand. Lexi hisses at him to go get his stuff but Peter wants to discuss his latest discovery first. Seems he actually took the time to READ the paper today and, while doing so, found out about Lexi's legal problems. He calmly explains to her that she can get the money she needs and more if she just marries Coop. Since Lexi is clueless as to what he's talking about, Peter explains about the codicil left in her father's will stating that if she and Coop marry within a year they'll receive 10 million bucks. I've got to hand it to Dr. B - that information was given to him at least 6 months ago and yet he remembers it as if it were yesterday. Lexi thanks him for the tip as he heads into the bedroom to start packing.

Kyle approaches the hotel clerk to inquire about Amanda and Rory's whereabouts and is visibly wounded when he's told "Mr. & Mrs. Blake checked out yesterday". Kyle then asks about flights back to California but the clerk again delivers bad news when he informs him there's only one flight daily and Kyle has already missed it.

And speaking of Rory, he's sitting like a troll by a fire aggressively stirring a cup of poison tea with his little troll hands while his little beady troll eyes sparkle as if fantasizing about Lucky Charms. A sick sounding Amanda calls out to him so Rory takes her his love tea concoction and listens while she moans about fever and chills. He tells her if his magic potion doesn't break her fever, he's taking her back to the mainland but Amanda insists she's in so much pain she doesn't foresee body movement in the near future. Rory tells her to stop her whining and drink her tea like a good little girl or it's off to bed with no supper.

It's late, Coop is tired, and the last person he wants to run into as he leaves the hospital is his haggard looking ex-wife. Sydney - I mean Lexi (she looks so much like Syd in this episode it's easy to get the 2 confused) tells Coop she knows about the codicil and asks him to marry her. Coop turns her down citing the fact they have to live under the same roof for a year as specified in the codicil. That's it? How about rejecting her because A) She's a dog B) You are engaged to someone else or C) Because it's just plain ridiculous. "Your father was a sick man," he tells her. "I'm marrying Megan." At least she knows how to run a comb through her hair and has yet to rely on a dead castmember's wardrobe for clothing.

Michael enters Peter's office in time to catch him reading Taylor's paternity test results. Michael grabs them, shreds them, then collapses in a chair as he realizes Peter is about to blackmail him with his newfound discovery. Peter, however, insists he's not out to blackmail Michael and extends his LEFT hand as proof. "I'm giving you an opportunity here to handle this like an adult - not the sniveling coward that you are," Peter urges. He then adds, "Tell her... or I will."

Back to Discount Harry's All-Alone Island where Amanda's moaning is getting a little louder and a lot more desperate sounding. "Please help me," she begs which seems to humor Mr. Goat Turd. He informs Amanda that he poisoned her with a lethal dose of Digitalis and when they - whoever "they" is - find her dead, rotting, bloated carcass the drug will be hard to trace and instead "they" will concur with Rory that Amanda caught some kind of "jungle virus". He must have gone to that Sally Struthers Correspondence Medical School. Rory defends his actions by informing Amanda, "All I wanted was a job, an office, and half of everything you owned, including your Special Guest Star status and my own set of your leopard print sheets." Amanda promises to give him whatever he wants and not tell anyone about the poisoning if he'll just get her some help. Rory isn't willing to take that risk and tells her he'll tell everyone he tried taking her back but the boat got shredded on rocks. With that he proceeds to repeatedly assault the lifeboat raft with a knife while yelling something about his mother and not being breastfed enough as a child.

Kyle corners Tattoo's cousin and lies that he knows where Rory and Amanda are. Seeing his schocked reaction, Kyle slams "Puke Face" against the wall and demands to know how much Rory paid for his silence. PF finally tells him which island they're on and how to get there just as security comes up to check out the situation. Kyle hands Tattoo Jr. some money as he finishes his "business transaction" then heads down to the dock to rent a boat.

Michael calls Taylor to inform her of the latest MP development. "You and I have been elected the best comedy team on this show and, therefore, we will start behaving like a couple of goofball idiots at least for the remainder of your time on this show." He then blurts out, "There was a mixup at the lab and - no big deal - I'm the father and not Nick gotta go!" Taylor is ecstatic to hear her child was co-created by a doctor and not a Nick but Michael insists, "This doesn't change anything - you're still raising that child by yourself." Even a statement like this doesn't curb Taylor's happiness so Michael quickly excuses himself to an emergency surgery that doesn't exist.

Kyle shows up at Honeymoon Hell where Rory greets him with a "Thank God you're here!" He immediately launches into his rehearsed "Amanda is sick and our boat was attacked by rabid knives... I mean rubber-eating fish... I mean it got shredded on the rocks... yeah that's the ticket." Kyle rushes in to see Amanda who, despite her pasty complexion and almost inaudible voice, manages to warn Kyle just before Rory comes up from behind to whack him upside his head. A fight ensues with Rory swinging a knife and Kyle dancing around like a kickboxer taunting Rory to grow a penis and fight like a man. Soon this song and dance ends with Kyle kicking Rory who goes flying in one direction while the knife goes flying in another. However, as Rory rolls over on his back, the knife has miraculously entered his stomach. With a badly-acted heave-ho, Rory dies while Kyle whisks Amanda away.

Michael returns home to the beach house to find Taylor cooking away in his kitchen. Don't any of these people know how to lock their doors? Michael looks defeated as he flops himself into a chair and compares his request that Taylor leave him alone to "asking an ape to do algebra". Somehow I fail to see the correlation. Taylor plops herself into Michael's lap and tells him she just "wants some company" during her pregnancy and besides she thinks he should be around during the birth. Slapping Michael's chest Taylor exclaims, "I have another bombshell for you!" to which Michael replies, "Nuke me." Taylor ignores him and gleefully continues that she had an amniocentesis done and her - their - baby is a boy. "My very own little Mikey!" she exclaims as Michael silently plots his own suicide.

Mmmm what's for dinner at Kyle's tonight? Judging from the looks of the couple sucking each other's face off in the corner, it's Human Flesh Tartar! Samantha stares at them taking mental notes before returning her attention to Jeff to tell him she and Billy are getting a divorce. Between bites of her food she explains it will take 6 months because that's California law and not even being on an Aaron Spelling show will make it happen any faster. When Jeff asks if there's a quicker way (do the words Dominican Republic ring a bell?) Sam goes nuts insisting he's trying to push her into getting married which she's not ready to do. Somebody hand me a gun so I can put this couple out of my misery. Just as Sam settles down and suggests they enjoy their evening, Billy walks by and heads up to the Upstairs. Sam sighs, Jeff sighs and I breathe a huge sigh of relief because finally this tedious scene is over.

Upstairs Billy approaches Jen and tells her about the divorce. She replies by expressing concern that he's been wearing the same shirt for 2 days. This is a problem? When's the last time she washed that black leotard-looking top of hers? When he tells her sheepishly that he and Guy aren't the same size, she gallantly offers to go to his apartment and pack his things for him. Wait a minute - back it up. Who the hell is Guy? No clues are given as Billy turns down Jen's offer and then asks her to dance. Once on the dance floor, it appears neither of them remember a single thing they learned at their dance classes last year as they stumble and fumble with each other. Sensing how ridiculous they look, Jen makes a last ditch attempt to save the scene (she fails miserably) by singing to Billy. Here's a thought - why not go back to things you're good at like sleeping with married men and slinging drinks.

Kyle is pacing outside Amanda's jungle hospital room when Detective Panama Jack emerges from her room to tell Kyle his story "checks out" and he's free to go. Kyle hurries into Amanda's room and rushes to her side so he can FINALLY tell her why he came down there. Amanda, however, doesn't care but seeing as she's in a hospital bed, she really has no choice but to listen as Kyle continues with Story Time. He tells her the truth about Christine and Not-Christine and Nick and Taylor and tells her ONE MORE TIME how she wasn't responsible for anything. Unimpressed, Amanda reminds him how people die when they're around her and Kyle. Actually, people die when they're contracts are up - the fact you and Kyle are around is merely coincidence. Rolling away from Kyle, Amanda asks him to leave and, surprisingly, Kyle obliges.

The following morning finds a much healthier looking Amanda upright and packing her bags when a nurse comes in to let her know her cab is waiting downstairs. Amanda asks if Kyle is still around and looks disappointed when she's told he left the previous evening. Isn't that what you wanted, Missypants? Make up your damn mind already. The nurse leaves, Amanda tosses her wedding ring on the bed and walks out.

Back at the Beach House from Hell, Michael wakes up to find Taylor finding pleasure in even the smallest things like brushing her teeth. Michael tells her, because she is the best comedy partner he's had since Sydney, she can stay until the baby is born. After that, he informs her, he will support the baby financially but nothing more because he's just not the "nurturing" type unless it involves a skinny, large-breasted blonde in the sex business. Despite Taylor's protests that Michael would make a "good daddy", she reluctantly accepts his terms... "for the time being".

Amanda's mud-encrusted sports utility vehicle cab drives down to the beach causing her to erupt in hostility since she demanded to be taken directly to the airport. Just as Gypsy Psychic Friends Fortune Woman did last week, the cab driver suddenly speaks no English. Spotting a figure sitting on the beach, Amanda hastily gets out of the car and walks across to Kyle to let him know he's insane for his non-stop pursuit of her. She apologizes for being so mean, for taking up with Rory, for renewing her Melrose contract and for dragging out this sad storyline as long as she did. Kyle pronounces her "absolved" of all her actions and reminds her this is the very spot he fell in love with her. Amanda finally gives in and the 2 lovebirds suck face in celebration.

A drunk Lexi stumbles Upstairs where she is instantly spotted and approached by Megan. Lexi informs her she's about to go turn herself in since Coop won't help her. Seeing Megan has no clue about the codicil, Lexi fills her in on the details, going so far as to explain half of $10 million is $5 million and if Megan can't do that kind of simple math, I certainly hope Kyle isn't letting her handle money. Megan is obviously stunned to hear this information and sits down just as Coop breezes in. Lexi tells him it's his "last chance", he turns her down again, they call each other names and Lexi spits on him as she walks out. Oh the drama - "Just The 10 Of Us" was never this much fun!

Two seconds later Lexi magically appears in her office where her lawyer and the FBI agents are waiting on her. They read her her rights and cuff her as a teary-eyed Lexi stares blankly into space - no doubt, once again "enjoying the view".

--written by Ellen and Stacie, edited by Stacie

Billy spots Jeff kissing Sam at work which must prompt some kind of big bruhaha as we next see a weepy Sam march into Amanda's office demanding she choose between Sam or Billy; Lexi - sober this time - approaches Megan again about the codicil; Michael performs a sonogram on Taylor's baby; Peter shows up at Amanda's with roses, informs her he broke up with Lexi and proclaims his undying love for her.