Then these two guys, either executioners or IRS agents (no difference) wheel in what looks like the latest in exercise equipment too big to fit in your house and proceed to strap Lexi onto it. Lexi pleads, "Please, no! No more ab crunches!" as our priest calmly informs her, "This will be quick and painless." Believe me, I would not put this past today's IRS - death for fraud by next of kin. The priest simultaneously reads marital vows to the couple and last rites to Lexi. Very Stephen King-ish. As an ever-guiltier Megan watches, Lexi screams to be let go. As soon as Megan says "I do", Lexi gets the lethal injection and Megan wakes up.....

Gasping, as they always do after a nightmare on TV, Megan details her dream to Coop. She is hired as a writer immediately. Coop tries to comfort her as she babbles onward. He assures her "Lexi has an army of lawyers" and "she's not rotting in a jail cell somewhere". Now if they wanted to be ironic-funny they could have cut to Lexi rotting in a jail cell, surrounded by lesbians. But no, instead Megan insists that Coop should help somehow. But Coop insists he's only dedicated to Megan and will not cooperate.

Peter is sitting on the steps to Amanda's apartment, awaiting her arrival home when she arrives, tired from her flight. When she asks why he and a dozen roses are there he subtly replies, "I broke up with Lexi and I'm in love with you." A dumbfounded Amanda insists this notion is crazy as if her lovelife has been a barrel of stability. Poor Peter thinks Amanda is divorced from Kyle but she tells him they're not. If this were Ally McBeal or Looney Tunes, you could insert an anvil falling on Peter's head. She explains how she re-married Kyle "over there" and re-fell in love (shouldn't that be the other way around?) Just in time, Kyle walks in, greets Peter and invites them to their reception Thursday night. Excuse me? When did you plan this - while you were on the plane? Peter calmly accepts the invitation, says farewell and then throws the flowers to the ground as punishment for not doing their job and sweeping Amanda off her feet and into Happy Land.

Taylor, obviously the bearer of an excellent HMO, lays in her hospital bed. Pseudo-dad Michael walks in and Taylor is the only human actually happy to see him. "Its not everyday a girl gets an ultrasound", she reasons. Well it's not everyday you get knocked up, stupid! Taylor excitedly places Michael's hand on her tummy to feel the baby kicking. Michael replies flatly, "Of course he is - you're his mother. I'm surprised he's not screaming bloody murder or holding up a liquor store." This touching family moment is interrupted by the 40-ish Donna Reed looking generic doctor who arrives to perform the procedure. Curious, the doctor asks why Michael is there to which he replies, "I'm Taylor's pal." Oh so that's what they call it nowadays when you have irresponsible, unprotected sex thus creating a new life and spreading God knows how many diseases. Taylor proudly informs the doctor that she and Michael are living together and adds, "He's the daddy." Embarassed, Michael requests Dr. Generic not to tell anyone and tells Taylor to "put a cork in it" which she should have done with her uterus years ago. The doctor, obviously a regular viewer of the show when not working as an extra, is nonplussed. She squeezes the jelly out of the tube and spreads it on Taylor's belly. Guys, if you don't pick up any double-entendre or subliminal feelings here then you have no sex drive!! The doctor creates the ultrasound image on the screen, causing Taylor and Mike to quiet down and stare pensively, which they rarely do. She prints out a picture for Taylor, and then one for Michael. Michael reluctantly takes his photo and walks out of the room. Out in the hallway, he pauses to look at the picture and wonder if what he's looking at is really his unborn son or just Taylor's lunch.

Cut to Coach Jeff "Joe Torre" Baylor surveying his youths at Unknown University. He's explaining to one of his players that he must keep his grades up or else face a year suspension from the college ballteam, because after all, he could end up like Coach himself one day. After protesting the unfairness of this Jeff replies, "Life isn't fair and sometimes it can even be a real bummer." Let me get a pen so I can write that one down and remember it forever. Across the ballfield Jeff spots his Pocahantas girlfriend, complete with drab brown dress and PIGTAILS, chatting with a couple players so Big Bad Baylor tells them to "stop giving his girlfriend the once over". They're just admiring your achievements, Coach! Dopey Sam apologizes for being, well... Sam and assures Jeff she's still his bitch. She explains that she's an emotional mess from things like her impending divorce, personal life and basic arithmetic. She'd really like to leave Billy and her old life behind her and START OVER. This marks the 100th time Sam has decided to "START OVER" like this show is a game of Parcheesi or something. Jeff then takes her in his arms and tells her he'd like to now do all the things he wished he could do when they first met which apparently begins with humping in the equipment shed.

And, hallelujah our musical guest DAVE KOZ gets a genuine plug. They show his name on a banner at the entrance to the Upstairs and everything. Too bad I never heard of him. Inside, Lexi orders another martini since drinking makes tax fraud charges disappear. Megan, concerned, tells her to chill and have some coffee instead. Lexi plays the good drunk here, rambling on and on about Peter bailing her out, telling her self-pity story, inducing guilt, and slurring a bit. Megan walks over to the bar just as Coop enters ready to apologize for Megan - I mean TO Megan - for snapping at her that morning. Megan begs Coop to take Lexi home just as Lexi herself stumbles towards them, itching for a conflict. Megan hands her a cup of coffee which Lexi pushes away explaining how she gets all her coffee at Starbuck's since there's one on every street corner of LA. Coop angrily informs Megan that, not only does Lexi not need her help, she doesn't appreciate it. However Megan continues to plead so Coop finally agrees and drags her out. "Where we going? Dancing? Bowling? I'm up for anything!" Lexi slurs. Send her to the Bronx, Coop - I'm taking over!

The other Couple of Destiny walks in - Kyle and Amanda. Dave Koz has obviously paid the show some bucks since Kyle gives the happy sax man an unprecedented SECOND PLUG. Jen and her Barbie barrettes happily greet them and congratulate them on their re-marriage. Kyle hugs her and thanks her for her help. Jen then asks if he'll close up tonight since she's doing it for weeks. Weeks? Kyle was only gone for a few days. Amanda agrees to be the "understanding wife" which can only mean trouble since the word "understanding" isn't in her vocabulary.

Coop drags his drunken ex-wife into her apartment. If nothing happens here, this show is going soft on me. Lexi once again asks Coop to marry her to make her problems go away. What sheer irony, it usually works the other way around on MP. As she removes her blouse revealing a black nightie, she assures him it will all be "strictly platonic". I'm convinced... Coop reviles at the fact that some sick writers, I mean her sick father, would write that damned marriage stipulation into the will. Lexi believes he could pull this off since he's a good pretender. She is now more naked. Coop says no again - eunuch!! Then Lexi points off camera at something below her navel and says "Do you remember this?" Believe me, if she's pointing "down there", I'd remember it if it was Jamie Luner. Relax, though, she's only talking about the black lace teddy she's now wearing. He tells her, "Not only do I not remember but I could care less." The estate of Clark Gable is now preparing a copyright lawsuit, no doubt. As Lexi tries to sensually place his hand to her breast, he snatches it away (his hand that is), and tells her she is embarrassing herself. Seeing that seduction isn't going to work, Lexi plays her pity card as she throws herself against the breakfast bar and cries about how much her father hated her. Coop tells her this is not her fault, and that her father didn't hate her - he just wanted to manipulate her since he couldn't manipulate other parts of his own anatomy. The pity thing works as Coop says he'll be her friend and embraces her "platonically".

Finally a commercial. I can rest for a few minutes, unless I have to start writing about those too... No ideas, Stacie!

At Burns-Mancini-Cooper-Whoever-Else-Decides-To-Join-Us, Michael is using a string of pickup lines on the new receptionist, Kerry, who looks like a 90210 reject. "I'm a doctor, I'm rich, I'm single, I've got a big... house." Peter hears this through the usually soundproof plexiglass window and doesn't take lightly to it as he drags Michael into his office and chastises him. "I'm in a very dark place right now and watching you come on to our new secretary on her very first day doesn't help my mood," Peter warns but Michael wants to know what the big deal is. Come to think of it, so do I. I mean, all three of the previous secretaries were married to Michael so why not shoot for four, right? Michael accuses Peter of being jealous until he realizes he's still hung up on Amanda. Peter throws him out of his office as Michael offers wise advice against taking up with one's former spouse. Obviously an ironic precursor to Jane's upcoming return.

Lexi pays Megan a house call and it's good to see she's stopped wearing Sydney's hand-me-downs. Not only that but she's actually SOBER. Ms. Accomodating lets her in which Lexi takes as a sign to pick up Coop's jacket and ramble about things like missing the challenges of marriage, impending prison time, her beloved wedding album and the IRS getting ready to seize her assets. I'd really like to seize her assets but I don't know if I'd fork over $10 million for them. Megan informs her that she already feels sorry for Lexi and, therefore, this song and dance is pointless so Lexi gets down to business and asks Megan to talk to Coop for her. "You're my last chance," she begs and then solemly adds, "I hope you and Coop have a happy life" as she exits.

At Kyle's, the same lady who was standing outside in line last week is still there - talk about lousy service! What does a girl have to do to get a table? Paint lousy paintings and sleep with the owner? Speaking of lousy paintings, Sam's (aka "Samuel Kirov") are still adorning the walls of Kyle's where Peter is sitting at the bar getting sloshed. When Kyle and Amanda walk in Peter over-excitedly greets them so Amanda suggests Kyle go get them a table so she can talk to Peter alone. He obliges and Amanda sets three things straight with her ex - a) I'm married, b) let go of the past and c) Jane is returning next week and she's blonde so why not pursue her. Peter explains that his therapy sessions led him to the conclusion that he still loves her. Amanda warns him to just "play by the rules" and if he's a good boy he can still come to the reception.

Taylor and Michael are in his kitchen and Taylor is playing with a pile of newly-purchased baby clothes while Michael lectures her for spending all his money. AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! TAYLOR, BRUSH YOUR HAIR ALREADY!!! Sorry, but it seems everytime Taylor is away from Kyle she lets her appearance go down the toilet. Taylor readily admits that she bought all this stuff to satisfy her own vanity (and having Michael's credit cards didn't hurt) while Michael complains that he doesn't even want a baby much less a closetful of baby stuff because babies cry and smell bad and are too expensive. Word to Michael: you should have thought of all this *before* taking off your pants. It immediately becomes clear that poor Taylor will soon have TWO whining babies on her hands unless she gets rid of Michael. She puts him in his place by telling him he needs to care about someone else's welfare for a change but after 6 years of being a horse's ass, I don't see that happening anytime too soon. However, I do have a new respect for Taylor's newfound maternal instincts. As she weasels some more money out of him for "licorice and liverwurst" (is this what Aaron Spelling's wife ate when she was pregnant? That explains a lot about Tori...) the ultrasound picture falls from his wallet. Taylor gets all sentimental as Michael tells her again it means nothing and wouldn't it be funny if it was a picture of someone else's baby - it would be like having another woman's picture in his wallet and, oh nevermind.

Poor Dave Koz is *still* playing at the jazz club -- I hope Amanda and Kyle give him some of their wedding cake -- and there's lots of anemic dancing with Amanda and Kyle swearing that this will be their last wedding reception together. Kyle's chef, Mario comes up all nervous because a hotshot food critic is there and he's cracking under the pressure of having to cook for her. (Insert "If you can't stand the heat, stay out of the kitchen" joke here.) Would Superchef Kyle please please please come down and save the day? Amanda understandably wants Kyle to stay at their wedding reception, but when Peter pops up over Mario's shoulder and offers to "keep Amanda company", suddenly she's fine with the whole arrangement. Kyle goes off to babysit Mario while Peter and Amanda have one dance "in the name of friendship". Peter replies to Amanda's comment with, "Friendships can move mountains, you know." What the hell does that mean? Peter tries to undermine Amanda's confidence in Kyle by describing how he himself would be such a lousy restauranteur due to his desire for a stable income, but Amanda sees though that with no problem. Peter insists that he's only concerned about Amanda's happiness and, referring to Kyle and Amanda's extremely recent divorce, reminds her that "when you glue things back together, sometimes they're not as strong" -- which is a really bad argument, because it applies to his relationship with Amanda as well. Amanda leave in disgust as Peter smirks.

Over at the bar Michael is on a date with Kerry and since when did either one of these people become such good friends of Kyle's or Amanda's? Kerry immediately eliminates herself from the "Mother Of The Year" competition by stating how "icky" babies are which ironically makes Michael want to get into her pants even more. Kerry suggests they spend the night on the beach (watch out for crabs) just as Taylor - who appears to have taken my hair-brushing advice - walks up and introduces herself as the mother of Michael's child. Annoyed, Michael quickly escorts Kerry out of the club leaving a pouting Taylor to eat cheese straws and listen to an endless sax solo.

Also at the reception, Megan and Coop are talking about Lexi's late-night visit to Megan's House of Benevolence. Megan insists that they have a responsibility to help Lexi, but Coop somehow thinks that his marrying Lexi will get in the way of his marrying Megan. Can't imagine how. Coop is full of plans for his wedding to Megan, but she's willing to make a small detour (I'd sure like to know what constitutes a *large* detour) for the sake of helping a friend. Continuing with the road construction imagery *and* putting in a subliminal plug for "Ally McBeal", Coop reminds Megan that he's been down this road with Lexi before and that it was full of dead ends (one of whom happens to be Kimberly). After some more persuasion, Coop agrees to marry Lexi just to make Megan happy, and I think Megan needs to work on her self-esteem issues because not only is she once again the Other Woman, but she's put herself in that role deliberately this time.

Billy and Jennifer are smooching in the pool back at 4616 in full view of Sam as she comes in from a hard day of something. She accuses them of flaunting their relationship, and Mr. Non Sequitur informs her that he's moving in with Jennifer because his mysterious friend Guy needed his space and it has nothing to do with having sex with Jennifer. We must have missed the sub-plot where Guy fell in love with Billy and tried to kill Jennifer out of jealousy. Having pooped Billy and Jennifer's pool party, Sam goes in the apartment and calls Jeff to tattle that Billy and Jennifer are being mean to her. As she goes on and on about how they persecute her and are out to make her life miserable, we realize that she's been watching the "X-Files" too much. Jeff's answering machine light blinks eloquently.

In the car on the way to the beach, Michael tries to explain the Taylor incident to his date, who immediately lets us know she's as naive as she is young by telling Michael "you seem like an honest guy". I missed the next few lines of dialogue because I was laughing so hard, but my attention quickly returned to the screen as Date Girl climbed into Michael's lap and began unbuttoning his shirt. Because Michael's a bit, um, distracted, he doesn't see the car about to cut him off as it swerves over to the side of the road. Narrowly averting disaster, Michael jumps out filled with road rage only to discover that the driver of the other car is just pulling over because his wife is about to give birth. Always the Good Samaritan, Michael tells him to go to the hospital, but there's no time, and it looks like Michael's going to get some much-needed practice on his roadside, I mean bedside, manner. The mother-to-be looks understandably nervous as the 2 men assist her into the backseat and prepare her for childbirth.

Megan and Coop go to visit Lexi to tell her the good news, and does anyone else have trouble understanding how this arrangement is in Megan's best interest? Lexi swears u cos only in it for the money as Coop reminds her that he's only doing this for *Megan*, and that he loves *Megan*, and that he could never love Lexi more than *Megan*, and all this preamble means that we all know how this is going to end up eventually. Saint Megan has even planned the wedding - tomorrow night, in Lexi's office - which is a really nice gesture, although I'm not sure I'd want to get married in a place where I was just arrested a week ago. Coop and Megan leave, presumably to book the caterer, and Lexi looks relieved to know that she won't be Sweetheart of the Cell Block after all.

Back at the roadside maternity ward, the pregnant lady is screaming, Michael's date is grossed out, and the new dad is being blandly encouraging. Why isn't Mom beating the crap out of him for getting her into this mess? Watching Michael guide the baby into the world, it occurs to me that Michael probably envisioned the evening ending this way in a general sense - him with a half-naked woman in the back of a car - but that the reality falls far short of his expectations. Congratulations, it's a boy! Michael looks vaguely doomed as he gazes upon the new happy family.

The following morning Michael returns home to find someone from the Baby Superstore broke into his house and threw up everywhere, leaving Taylor buried beneath the avalanche of baby toys. He comes grumping in, all cranky that his date was ruined because some strange woman was rude enough to have a baby in front of him. Who would have thought that being a doctor would involve yucky stuff like that? Michael allows himself for a moment to reflect on the miracle of life, but catches himself when Taylor attempts to generalize his experience to their situation. He complains that "all that yelling and screaming and wailing [is] really quite annoying", and I couldn't agree more: Someone tape Michael's mouth shut. Taylor, the voice of reason (now *that's* scary), reminds him that childbirth is painful, and he responds by giving her his best medical advice for coping with the pain - taking lots of drugs. Remind me never to give birth at Wilshire Memorial.

At the ad agency, Jeff drops by to see Sam with what looks like a bag of his laundry. She tells him she's on an emotional roller coaster and they kiss, but Billy walks through and Sam gets flustered. Jeff tells Sam to make her husband jealous with some other guy and leaves. Quick cut to Amanda's office, where the Bosslady is on the phone with Kyle talking about her plans for their romantic evening tonight. Unfortunately, Kyle's up to his rump roast in work because a local TV station wants to do a story on the restaurant, and even the prospect of eating caviar on Amanda's leopard-print sheets can't distract him from the publicity that'll bring. Sam barges in, which is always a bad idea, and demands that Amanda choose between her and Billy. Hanging up the phone, Amanda gets Samantha to repeat her threat and then explains she'd pick Billy over Sam because he's her "number one ad man" and has "been with the company for 5 years". He has? Funny, I thought THE COMPANY was less than a year old. "I saved your life," Sam bleats pathetically, and Amanda patiently informs her that that's why she gets another chance and now get the hell out of her office. Still stuck on her conspiracy theory, Sam accuses Amanda of abandoning her, but Amanda just rolls her eyes at that one.

Coop and Megan are sitting on the beach talking about how much they love each other, complete with modified wedding vows. Coop pulls out a pair of wedding rings that belonged to his dead parents which is odd since they don't match. They exchange the rings and Coop reminds her that nothing will ever come between them. Yeah, right. Megan tells him that any man who'd do as much for her as he has deserves her undying love, and this nonsense about how Coop's marrying Lexi is such a noble thing he's doing for Megan has just got to end. They smooch as the tide rolls in and washes away their picnic basket.

At the jazz club, an annoying news reporter is sucking up to Kyle when Amanda, taking a cue from Sam earlier in the day, interrupts to talk to Kyle. "Five minutes", the annoying interview lady says as Amanda leads Kyle to his office. She tells him that she's had a crappy day and is in a bad mood and it's all because she hasn't spent any time with Kyle lately. Given that they never consumated their *first* marriage I don't see why this is such a problem. Kyle kisses Amanda, tosses her on the couch and there's this weird moment where she sticks her foot in the air and Kyle takes off her shoes and throws them away like her feet smell bad or something. Besides, I thought men liked it when women left their high heels ON. Kyle pounces on Amanda as the cheesy guitar music tells us the newlyweds are about to make hot monkey love in the office despite the reporter's five-minute time limit and there's a joke there but Kyle and Amanda are too busy to notice it.

At Lexi's office, she and Coop are just about done with the ceremony when Coop realizes that he doesn't have a ring for her. Gee, I wonder where he could get one on such short notice? The symbolism is not lost on Megan when Coop flatly requests she return his mother's wedding ring so he can give it to Lexi. Lexi's "you may now kiss the bride" kiss seems a bit too enthusiastic, but money will do that. Lexi's lawyer reiterates the terms of her father's will and oddly enough it appears that he has no idea what's really going on, or perhaps it's Megan who's really been in the dark all this time. Lexi and Coop leave for the Palms, but not before Lexi plants another big one on Coop, and everyone walks away leaving Megan stranded at the altar, stunned, thinking for the first time that perhaps this wasn't such a good idea after all.

--written by Anthony and Ellen, edited by Stacie and Matt

Coop, Lexi and their lawyer are partying it up at the Upstairs when Megan "accidentally" spills a drink in Coop's lap; Peter grabs Amanda and kisses her - twice; sparks fly when Michael runs into Jane at his reunion.